LOVE LETTER: I WANT YOU

To My Dearest Love:

I have loved you for so long now, yet never had the courage to speak my mind, nor act in accordance with the desires of my heart. Though I have told you how I feel, I have restrained myself. I have refrained from racing to your side, just for the pleasure of being near you, giving way instead to the petty dictates of my life. My courage has failed me time and again, keeping me confined to the familiar prison my life has built around me. Where has the spirit of abandon, that sense of boundless adventure that is the hallmark of youthful passion gone? If I could, had I the courage, I would throw fate to the winds and love you to the fullest extent that I am able. If I could.

Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can see you there sitting next to me. I am holding your hand as we speak, savoring the delicate softness of your fingers pressing into mine. Try as I might, my attention keeps slipping away to be caught up in the play of your lips as your voice tumbles over them, a soft contralto reaching out to bridge the gap between us. Your words, unheard, caress my heart and remind me of all the reasons I have to love you. Your soft gentle lilt washes over me, easing my woes and soothing my spirit. Unconsciously, my thumb strokes the soft skin across the back of your hand.

You have stopped speaking now, a gentle smile playing across your lips. I have been caught watching you. Vaguely aware that you had asked me something, I search my memory, struggling in vain to recapture the words spoken, but they have fled unheard. Embarrassed, I try to withdraw my hand from yours, only to find it caught as I have been caught by you. Startled, I look in your eyes, and for the first time see something else, something undreamed of, behind your gentle gaze. Unnoticed before, I see a tenderness, an affection for me that reaches beyond the bonds of friendship. My breath catches in my throat as my heart stutters it's way up to a staccato rhythm of hope.

Trembling, afraid to believe, I cover your hand in mine, clasping it tightly as I have always hoped to clasp you to me. Smiling, you cover my hand with yours. Uncertain, heart racing, I am at a loss for words at this unexpected turn of events. I am conscious of your warm hands holding mine. Looking at you, I wonder if I have the courage to believe that you might return my feelings in some small way. I wonder if this is the extent of it, or if there could be more? Having taken this small step, I find that I need to know.

I reach out to touch your cheek. You turn your head, laying your face against my hand, then turning further, kiss my palm. A feather's brush of breath sends goosebumps racing up my arm, and with it, a thrill of anticipation. Dare I hope, am I brave enough to believe that you love me, even as I have loved you? With a sense of wonder, I caress your lips with my thumb, feeling their warmth. They are soft and sensuous, without a trace of lipstick to stain their natural hue. I have dreamed of feeling them, tasting them for so long now that I am almost afraid to let this most cherished fantasy go. Yet to feel that fantasy made flesh is too much to resist. You are too much to resist. Trailing my fingertips across your cheek, I caress the line of your jaw to brush your mouth, finding it tender and yielding. Your lips part slightly, taking my touch into a small kiss, an acceptance of my affections. I lean towards you, a mute request, for more.

You return my caress, cupping your hand around behind my head, long fingers entwining themselves in my hair pulling me closer. Your gaze is locked to mine as we close the last remaining gap, those scant few inches between us. Our lips touch and I am immediately lost in you. Your eyes, bright with emotion, are my world; your kisses greater than all my fantasies taken together. The taste of wine slips into my mouth, carried on your soft tongue. Our kiss continues, questing and deepening, a bright spark lighting a flame in the night. I cannot believe how tender your kisses are, yet with the capacity to draw such passions from me.

I am conscious of your body, your every whisper carried on wings of softest breath. I trail my hand down your neck to caress and stroke your back, a gentle touch that pulls your body into mine. I love the feel of your muscles as they ripple with your motion, a motion that speaks volumes of that lithe strength that I have long admired. I had never been able to resist watching you as you move. The grace and beauty of your body, revealed in stolen glances numbered by the hundreds, served to excite my imagination and fill many a night. My favorite peeks came on warm summer days, when your blouse invariably had a few buttons undone. I looked forward to those times when you would lean forward, or (oh, please!) drop something on the floor. The view down the line of your neck and under your shirt would keep me awake that night, without fail and without recourse.

Sliding my hand down further, I follow the line of your back to your jeans, replacing wild imaginings with the tactile sensations of feminine strength. Continuing my languid journey of discovery, I follow your body's flow, tracing the roundness of your bottom. I pause here for a time, massaging and exploring that delicious shape, the unwitting victim of yet more stolen glances (and not a few outright stares). The rocking of your hips excites me, encouraging me to grip and hold you tightly. However, my hand has developed a will of its own, and after a time continues its slow languorous exploration across your hip. You flex in response to my touch, enticing it upwards, drifting to the dip of your waist, that sensual line that defines the curve of your hips and the swell of your breasts.

I can feel your ribs rise and fall with each breath you take. Shifting your position slightly, you turn so that your breast falls into my hand as I continue to travel the sultry shapes of your body. Surprised, I stop, a deer caught in the headlights, mesmerized by the warmth caught in my hand. A pant restarts my heart, and I kiss you again, deeply, reveling in the fullness, the weight that seems to have been created for my hand, and mine alone, such is the perfect fit that we make together.

As our tongues slip together, drinking deeply of each others kiss, so does my hand slip over the curve of your breast, pressing into that full softness, that quintessential representation of all that is woman. Pressing and massaging even as our kisses press and rub against each other, my hand cradles that wondrous orb, feeling the thin cotton of your blouse slipping over the smooth fabric of your bra. I can feel upper edge of that garment, a line that marks the absence of barriers. This line marks the entry to a new realm, beyond which lies the province of tender flesh, the fruits of my desire.

With trembling fingers, I begin to undo your buttons. My need for you burns hot now, hot enough that my hands are shaking for the power of it. After a moment you cover my hands with your own. Moving them aside, but not away, you begin to undo the buttons, one at a time. With memories of stolen glimpses in my mind, I break away from our fervent kisses to see the rest of you revealed for my pleasure. As more of your porcelain skin is exposed, I am unable to tear my eyes away.

Taking the edges of your blouse, I unwrap this gift you have given me, revealing all that had been hidden from my view until now. Resting my hands upon your bare skin, I marvel at the luxuriant softness of it. You sit still, allowing me to take in my fill of this glorious sight, my eyes unable to rest in any one place for long. From the firm strength of your stomach to the swell of your breasts, my eyes take it all in. I am especially taken by the sight of my hands touching you, wandering the landscape of your body, feeling you for the first time. Seeing my hands upon your body is the a thing of beauty to me, speaking with an eloquence beyond words of my love for you.

Slipping your shirt from your shoulders, I continue to marvel at the beauty revealed. Smooth skin laid over feminine muscle, your curves and slopes, your essential femininity is displayed for the first time before my eager eyes. This glowing vision alone is enough to light my every night, for the rest of my life. As delightful as my fantasies have always been, the truth, the reality that is you is so much more. Your shape leads the eye on a tantalizing journey, rising up from your hips through the dip of your waist, around the outer swell of your breasts to follow the gentle slope of your chest to your neck. The lines of your throat lead my eyes back down to savor the valley found in the swell of your breasts. I continue tracing you with my eyes, down across your stomach to end at the waistband of your jeans. The lines of your body disappear within, hinting at more discoveries to be made in the length of your legs, the smooth strength of your denim sheathed thighs. My eyes filled with this vision, I look up to your face, unable to express how blessed I feel for the gift you are giving me this night.

Wrapping my hands around your bare waist, I return my attentions to kissing you. Save that now my intention is not to limit my kisses to the sweet wine of your lips, but rather to shower adorations upon the rest of you. Trailing kisses down your face and neck I allow my hands to come up your body to cup your breasts, embracing their warmth. You are still wearing your bra, and for the moment I don't mind. The fabric slides against my hand as I trace the curve of those delightful globes. My fingers find the edge of the garment and taste the velvety smoothness of your breast for the first time. I am enjoying this slow exploration, this gradual revelation of your treasures.

Kissing your throat I feel your pulse, quicker now, against my lips. Your chest rises in a deep breath of pleasure at this touch, pressing you firmly into the cup of my hands. Soft yet firm, the velvety smoothness of them excites me further, calls me to lavish my worship upon them. Tongue trailing a glistening path down across your chest, I gently lay you back, exploring and tasting your skin as I go, until finally my questing mouth arrives at its destination. My hand, still massaging and rubbing, pushes the swell of your flesh out of your bra slightly to meet the heat of my breath.

Kissing exposed skin, I reach around behind you to undo your bra. My hands are steadier now, and accomplish the task with only slight fumbling. I am steadier now, firm in my purpose, confident in your welcome. Your hands stroke and caress the back of my head, guiding my kisses to where they are most wanted. Your bra undone, I slide it off of your shoulders, brushing my fingers down the length of your encircling arms as I go. Nestling my cheek in the delicious valley unclad, I gaze at the soft mount presented to me with its perfect temple perched at the tip.

Your bra abandoned to the floor, your hands once again take my head, fingers gripping my hair, and turn my mouth to the flushed heat of your flesh. I can taste the salty tang of your sweat, smell the deep musk of your desire building, a faint trace of your perfume underlining and punctuating your essence. I trace the swell of your breast with my tongue and lips, circling the base, an explorer embarking upon an historic journey to the top of a fabled mountain. Gradually, with your encouragement and guidance, I trace my way to the erect nipple at the top.

Heart hammering, my breath coming hot now, I circle your nipple with my tongue, enjoying the textures of the aureole. Mounting the peak, I stroke your nipple and, closing my mouth over it, taste its full sweetness. It is hard now, harder than I knew possible, pressing against the motion of my tongue. I scrape it lightly with my teeth, causing you to gasp, a sharp inhalation of breath that presses you further into my mouth. Eagerly I take in all that you have until I can hold no more. Suckling as hungrily as any newborn infant, I pull my head back, drawing out a moan from your throat, a sigh of pleasure that is not so much heard as it is felt deep within my core. Lips and tongue sliding over every inch of your breast, I strive to bring forth that pleasure in you again, and succeeding, continue to tantalize and taste you.

Massaging and rubbing, I pull your other nipple, twisting it lightly until it is as fully erect as its sister. I trail kisses across your chest, through that wondrous in between to climb this new mount. Repeating my earlier attentions on her sister, I savor your taste, your smell. Every texture is committed to memory, lest this be not only the first time, but the last that we can ever meet this way. I want to memorize every detail of the luxurious landscape that is your body, never to forget. Once a dream, I am afraid to lose the reality, and so force myself to go slowly, an act of worship at the temple of your love.

As I lay my tender affections upon your flesh, your hands grasp me and pull me closer. Once in a while, when I give you a light nibble, your nails will briefly dig into my scalp, a sharp pain that only serves to intensify my pleasure, and with it, my desire for you. You draw your hands down the back of my neck to my shoulders, holding me tightly. Continuing downwards you find the hem of my t-shirt. Hooking it with your fingers, you pull it up, dragging your nails along my back as you go. The sensation causes me to shiver and groan. I am forced to stop tasting your sweetness as my breath stutters into a pant.

This brief respite from my ministrations gives you the opportunity to tug my shirt up the rest of the way, until I have to remove myself from the delights of your skin allowing you to pull it up over my head. Taking advantage of the space between our bodies, you lay your hands upon my shoulders and, pushing me back slightly, allow your eyes to trace the muscles of my chest and stomach just as I had done to you. Pushing me back further you swing your leg over mine, straddling my hips, and lean down to kiss me, deeply, passionately.

I am beginning to lose my sense of self to you. Your hands on my chest, your lips against my face, mouth and neck are the whole of my existence. The brush of your breasts on my chest combines with the heat across our hips to make “us” the only world I have ever known. My hands find their way to rest against your hips, riding the slow undulations of your desire as you flex against me. I wrap my hands around the firm round of your ass, gripping it, enjoying the ripple of muscles as you grind your hips against mine.

We enjoy our kisses for some time, neither hurrying, content to be lost in each other. Our hands wander, touching and reaching, discovering and exploring what delights we can give to the other. A thin sheen of sweat adds a sensuous texture to our motions as we slide, skin to skin and denim to denim, against each other. Now the soft silk of your hair, then the hard ripple of your back, slippery smooth, each touch is an experience unto itself, and yet is but one part of a greater whole. Each new sensation only adds to the heat generated by our lips and tongues as we continue to taste each others elixirs. Your kisses, it seems to me, are a fiery wine that is slowly consuming me, a willing sacrifice to your most passionate demands.

Slipping from my lap, you sink to your knees, touching and kissing as you go. Pausing at my chest you kiss and nibble me, sending shivers of delight through my body. After a moment you continue downwards, your hands stroking across my ribs, stomach, then on over and past the front of my jeans to rub my legs. The sensation of your hands on my thighs inflames me more than I had ever thought possible. Stroking and rubbing, your hands find their way to my crotch, rubbing me through my pants.

Looking down at you, I can see a small Mona Lisa smile playing across your lips. You like what you feel, and that makes me happy. You kiss my tummy in that sensitive area just below my navel, sparking a pulse of heat through my groin, before beginning the slow, luxurious return journey upwards until you are laying atop me, our lips once again meeting in an electric union of love and lust.

Lifting you to your feet I sit up and begin laying a new trail of kisses down your body. I make every touch, every caress and every hot breath a sensual experience unto itself as I once again travel across the nuances of your body. Through hill and valley, mount and dale I experience this landscape of dreams to its fullest until, dropping to my knees, I arrive once again to the borders of the unknown territories marked by the waist of your jeans.

I bring my hands around to the front of your body, a stroke of passion that starts at the small of your back, traverses the curves of your ass and hips, to finish at the gates to your temple of delights. Undoing your button, my fingers lightly tickle the exposed skin of your tummy. Your zipper is drawn down, revealing smooth black fabric under the denim fortress that has guarded your love for so long.

A shiver of anticipation washes over me at this sight. Hooking your pants, I draw then down to your ankles, a smooth motion neither fast nor slow. Stepping you out of them, I lean back to take in the view now revealed to my hungry gaze. Long legs, smooth and shapely and beautiful, greet my eyes. You are almost completely undressed now, and the sight of you has made me harder than I have ever been in my life. Smooth alabaster skin interrupted only by black satin, an enclave guarding the altar of my love, an altar that it has been my life's desire to worship at.

Hands grasping you firmly, I pull this final gateway to ecstasy to me. Kissing you there, my lips press against the precious mound underneath. Your heat bathes my face, an exciting radiance that mingles and joins with the hot pant of my lust. I can taste you where your moisture has escaped to dampen your panties. I can smell the musk of your essential self, your sex. As I press my face against your crotch you let out a soft groan. Your legs, so beautiful and strong, tremble slightly. Entwining your fingers into my hair, you pull me to my feet until we are standing together, faces flushed with the heat of the moment. Taking you into my arms, I lift you off of the floor to carry you into my bedroom. Your legs wrap around my hips, an clenching embrace that tells me not just that you accept my love, but that you want it, need it as badly as I do.

Entering the bedroom, I am reluctant to let you go. I sit on the edge of the bed holding you against me. I slip my fingers under the hem of your panties to caress the shape of your ass, questing and exploring a brand new realm of delights. Finding the join of your cheeks, I press my fingers down into that closed valley until my hand is filled with you. Our position does not allow me to reach any further forward, the press of our bodies making a barrier that I cannot push through without hurting you. I rub and tease everything that I can reach as I lavish more kisses on your breasts, now ideally positioned to receive such attentions.

Taking my head in both hands, you tilt me back. Leaning down over me, your hair cascading over us like a curtain, you treat me to yet another tantalizing kiss before continuing the motion, laying me down beneath you. Slipping down to kneel between my legs you undo my pants, revealing my erection to your examination. Laying your hands on my groin, encircling the base of my inflamed member, you bring your head forward. Your hair falls to obscure my view, intensifying that first delicate touch of your tongue to an experience of electric sensuality such that I am almost undone then and there.

 The intensity of sensations that you are sending through my body rob me of the strength to do anything but lay there groaning, and allow myself to taken in by your tender mercies. As you take me into your mouth your hand shifts to grasp the base, trapping and controlling me for your pleasures. Your lips stroke the remaining length as your tongue plays across the head, circling it and rubbing it, smooth and wet in a slow rhythm that holds me on the edge of Nirvana for a seeming eternity. As you sense that I am approaching climax, you pull your head back, freeing me from this most captivating of kisses. Tossing your hair to the side, you allow me an unobstructed view as you lick and kiss your way down to the base. Both hands free now, you take the edge of my pants and tug them down. Lifting my hips allows you to draw my pants down, but after a moment my strength flees once again and I drop back to lie prone and helpless to the bed. Drawing your tongue back up the underside of my desire, you finish the stroke by planting a small kiss on the throbbing tip before stooping to finish pulling my pants off.

Looking at you now, standing before me, lust and desire return to me all the strength that you had taken just moments before. Sitting up, I take you by your hips and, in your turn, lay you upon my bed. The memory of my brief sojourn across your panties draws me now, threatening my self control. Your musk lingers in my nose still, and I want more. Growing impatient, It is my turn to kneel between your legs, and pull your panties off. I pause for a moment to take in the revealed beauty laid out before me, reasserting a measure of control. Every nerve, every fiber of my body is aflame for you now, and mastering my base desires is difficult, but taking a deep breath I somehow manage it.

Lifting your leg, I lay a kiss on your ankle. My hands find their own way as I follow the line of your calf to the inside of your knee, where I have to pause again, as my control is perilously close to evaporating completely, such is the force of my desire. My hand has already traveled onwards and upwards, past your knee, to sample the velvety smoothness of the inside of your thigh.

Self control reasserted for the moment, my lips follow the questing hand's path. I taste your growing heat as I sojourn ever upwards. My hand has found that triangle of hair that lays nestled at the joining of your legs. It is soft, lightly curly and luxuriant. I rub the mound above your sex, delighting in the shapes and textures found there. Inadvertently, my thumb brushes the protruding lips of your inflamed labia, causing you to gasp, my only signal that I had touched that most intimate of spaces. The texture found here is unique, silky slick with moisture, soft, yet firm, protruding from within the nest of curls that have hidden and protected it for so long.

Having discovered this new delight, I am incapable of straying far from it, stroking the lips and discovering the hard nub perched at the top of your innermost flower. This touch brings forth a gasping spasm from you, first arching your back before drawing your knees up to your chest. I am forced to follow you if I wish to continue tasting the sweetness of your thighs. From this new position, laying above you, your heat and scent draw me down and away from the succulent line of your leg into the delicious valley between until my mouth finds that sacred space nestled between their meeting point. The raw heat and deep musk of you serves to dissolve the last of my controls. I am now completely at the mercy of my desire to taste you, to experience you fully and in all fullness.

Seeing your innermost self laid open before me is more than I can resist. I descend to kiss these other, more precious lips. Tracing their outer edges with my tongue causes you to gasp and thrust again, pressing you to my mouth. My lips caress the hard button of your arousal, delighting in the taste and texture, reveling in the physical reactions that they can produce in you. Your hips have taken on a life of their own, gyrating and pressing against my mouth with a rhythm of desire that is hard to follow, and even harder to resist.

Placing my hands behind your knees, I spread your legs a bit more and press down in an attempt to restrain your motions, keeping you under my tongue a bit longer. I run the tip, stiffened to hardness, down between the lips to encircle the entrance to your core. Closing my mouth, I kiss you again and again, stroking and teasing you. Sucking your lips into my mouth, I hold them there, washing them and stroking them with my tongue, fully exploring their creases and folds, before slipping upwards to focus my attentions exclusively on your fully erect delight.

Sucking that center of pleasure into my mouth, I lightly tickle the underside using the very tip of my tongue. Your groans and gasps intensify as I continue to suck that tender protrusion of flesh. Your hands have taken hold of my hair again, locking me in place to lap up your precious elixirs as they flow from deep within you. A light scrape of my teeth causes a particularly strong reaction from you, overcoming the strength of my arms. Your legs, now freed from the restraint that I had them under, clamp around me, rendering me completely incapable of being anywhere but here, worshiping at the altar of your love.

The truth, of course, is that there is nowhere else I would rather be than here, drinking in your pure essence. You are intoxication personified, a drug to which I would gladly throw my life away for the least taste. A willing prisoner to the power of your desires, I continue to lavish my kisses upon these, your most secret of lips. I have discovered that, at least in this moment, I love nothing more than kissing and tasting your deepest self. The feel of you pressed against me, the sweet moisture bathing my mouth and tongue, coating my face, the music of your groans, moans and gasps all combine to spur me to greater effort. My only wish is to fulfill your desires in their entirety. Your body begins to shudder and shake as your groans deepen into a long drawn out moan. I reach up, taking your breasts in my hands, roll your nipples between my thumb and forefinger. You stutter for a moment as your breath catches at the this new stimulation, before resuming your song of love.

As the culmination of my worshipful service approaches your moaning rises up into the drawn out crescendo of your climax. Your back arches with the power of it, lifting us both off of the bed. You shudder and shake as the orgasm washes over and through you, until the last pulsing wave of pleasure recedes, leaving you laying upon my bed, sweat soaked and spent. After giving you a few moments to rest I resume washing you with my affections, in the hopes of bringing you back up the heights of ecstasy once again. You, however, have a different idea.

“I want you”

These are the only words that we have shared since that first tender kiss. They are also the only words that matter, have ever mattered to me. I know that they are an expression of more than simple lust. They are a statement of the depth of your love for me, and mine for you. A declaration of needs that go beyond the mundane and the physical, these words contain within them all that I have ever dreamt of. These are the words that I have yearned to hear for time uncounted, and hearing them now I am powerless to resist your siren's call.

Panting, face coated with your essences, I lift myself up, and following the length of your body, lay my self back down upon you. My love, hardened by lust, is close to spending just at the thought of entering you. Struggling for restraint I slowly, gently press myself into your most secret of spaces. Sliding smoothly to my full depth, the entry eased by your wet heat, I am soon enveloped by a silken glove that encompasses all that I am. I am so inflamed by my desire, a desire held in check for too long, that I know I will not, cannot last. Nonetheless, I make the effort, drawing myself out slowly, before pressing back into you. Your hips rise to meet mine, your legs wrapped around me pulling me in tightly. Once, twice, three times I stroke you in this fashion and I am done. Done, but not spent.

Such is the effect you have on me that I do not lose my erection (much to my intense relief). After a moment's rest, we are able to continue our lovemaking, a slow undulation, bodies entangled until it is impossible to tell where you begin and I end. Now that our immediate needs are satisfied, my awareness can expand again. I am conscious of your breath, hot on my neck and your voice, low and soft in my ear. Wrapped up in each others embrace, bodies locked together, we fall into a gentle rhythm, an sinuous wave of amorous union that transports us beyond the realms of the ordinary and into a timeless space inhabited only by the person that is us.

Our limbs entangled, bodies entwined, our sweat and essences paint a landscape upon the sheets, a map of our journey from the fulfillment of need and lust to the mutual gifting of pleasure and love. Time passes unnoticed, each moment blending into the next, one long beat of the heart pulsing with vitality, a gentle affirmation of life and love, awash in bliss. Eventually we settle into a steady rhythm of thrust and counter thrust, unhurried and eternal, a fundamental beat to the music that we are making. Soft groans and wordless whispers fill the air with a melody punctuated by delighted grunts and gasps.

As the end of our night long operetta approaches, you are resting atop of me. Gazing at each other, we both intuitively know that it is time to cement our union in one last ecstatic effort. Your breasts gently sway and bounce as you gradually increase the rate of our lovemaking. Sweat glistens between them as your soft moans are joined to the ever increasing tempo of our bodies slapping together, a clap of joy celebrating the release of a love, once held in secret, now freed to find its exuberant expression in our lovemaking.

The sun breaks over the horizon, streaming in through the window. Its light kisses your face, bathing you in a golden glow as our climax reaches out to take hold of us. My hips rise and fall in tempo with yous. Your hands upon my chest curl into a grip, nails digging into me as our fire rises, adding its light to the morning's glory. A long, drawn out moan shudders, though I cannot tell where it comes from; you, I or both of us. When at last the end arrives, we finish together, two bodies locked into one flesh. In that moment we are one mind, one body and one person, an explosion of light and sound that proclaims our existence to the heavens with such fervor that even the angels are made to turn and look upon us with wonder at the purity and joy of our love.

The phone is ringing. As I shake myself from this most cherished of fantasies, I am left with one final image. You are laying upon my bed, bathed in the sweaty afterglow of our lovemaking. The sun is shining fully upon your lithe form, illuminating your body much in the same way that our love has blazed into the darkness, a herald declaring that life is so much more than my dreams have ever foretold. Your lines and curves, still faintly glistening with the sheen of night, awaken a faint stirring deep within me. However, we have loved enough for now. There are many more nights to come, a lifetime's worth of joys to discover, ours and ours alone to sample and savor

This is my fantasy, to love you like this for the rest of my days. If I could, I would fill your nights with such loves as these, and your days with dreams of rapture. I would demonstrate by word and deed that your grace upon this earth is the source of all my joys, and the fulfillment of my life's purpose. I would show you the full depth of my love, without reservation.

If I could.

LOVE: MOST WOMAN ARE RIDICULOUS WITH THEIR LIST

Most woman  really do abandons their standards for really good looking guy.If you want to have standards, have standards. But standards only prevent you from being used and abused if you stick to them consistently. The whole “I refuse to settle” argument is so flimsy and disingenuous.

 After 35 every single woman must “settle” in order to end up in a serious relationship If a good looking woman in her mid to late 30s wants to find a smart, funny man, who has a job, and that she personally is attracted to, to have a serious relationship with, why shouldn’t she wait for ridiculous standards like he must make six figures, look like George Clooney, be as funny as Conan O’Brien, blah blah blah.

 Someone says “settle” and most woman think it that I am  suggesting  is to find some schmuck and get him to marry you.  When women automatically assume that that’s what “settle” means, that is usually an indicator of the fact that those women try (and chronically fail) to date out of their league. Most woman don’t seem to be getting it. It’s not that there is a limited supply of men who want to date you. It’s that there is a limited supply of men who want to commit to you or anybody else. And if they do want to commit, they either are probably going to do it with someone under 35 so they won’t be rushed into settling down and having kids OR they are guys that you have blown off and passed over as you wait for your funny, attractive, educated, employed, charming Mr. Right. Many women have been listening to tales and fables from their friends about that one woman in their office or second cousin or sorority sister from college who found Mr. Right. They are exceptions to the rule. Not the rule.

If there are so many options for you ladies, then where are all the stories of courting and wooing? about some dude who beds you and disappears Why is online dating a billion dollar industry? Why is there a new dating blog popping up every ten god damn seconds deconstructing all the bad dates that women have? The days of marriage and commitment being  a given or a must have are over.  So many woman been  saying they didn’t need a man and had plenty of time to find someone that they completely missed the part when men started thinking the exact same way. Men have learned how to use the overage of single woman in the market place to their advantage. Now they’re winning. Now they’re being taken care of by desperate women who would rather support some leech than be alone. Or they’re dating multiple women who, like them, don’t want commitment. Or they’re juggling multiple women who do want commitment and then dumping them and then starting over. There’s a constant supply of single women for them! And by “them” I mean the men that most women want. The ones with options and charm and looks and money and stability.

 Since no one gets EVERYTHING they want in a partner, then by definition, EVERYONE settles. LIke everything else in life, relationships are about tradeoffs. What can I live with in order to get the things I can’t live without.

It’s amazing to me that not only is this a foreign concept for otherwise “mature” adults, but that something that is essentially a truism should spark such incredible rage and emotion in some people. Do you also become outraged that the sky is blue and that the sun sets?

When anyone interprets settle as just taking the first guy that comes along, it indicates her rigidity and failure to understand the give and take in any relationship. It indicates her lack of ability to communicate well. We have to listen and go with the flow of the conversation, too.

The cold harsh truth is that we are always settling our entire lives. Each of us is one person on a planet of billions. Even insanely wealthy and powerful people have to settle. They still don’t get things exactly their way.

There is no one on this planet that exactly fit our criteria. And our criteria doesn’t even stay the same. No one should compromise on matters of principle, but matters of taste are an entirely different thing.


most women don’t like the idea of “settling” because they don’t understand that when you are looking for a committed relationship, you are by definition settling. Always. Every time. You are settling by precluding an opportunity with someone who might be better. And there’s the nub. If you haven’t managed to land a committed relationship or marriage by 35, you have been and continue to be holding out for someone who might be better.

Consciously or not, you’ve been critically evaluating every guy you’ve dated or had a short-term relationship with. One guy might have a good job, be smart and funny, but are you attracted enough to him? The next guy might be funny and very attractive, but maybe not as ambitious in his work or have a higher degree. The thing is, no matter who you’re with, you’re looking for faults and comparing every man you’re with to a theoretical “better” man. Which is why the word “settle” upsets you so much.

By always looking for the “better” man, you leave yourself open to being played while looking for ways to reject the men that would be good for a long-term relationship.

Instead of critically evaluating every man against your 462-point checklist, try this challenge: with every guy you are attracted to, focus on his good qualities, and actively look for those good qualities. If you can do this consistently, you will invariably find that you’re even more attracted and realize that you’re not “settling,” you’re accepting a person and building them up so that they become the “better” man. You’ll be happier and more likely to find that genuine committed relationship you seem to be looking for.


The other thing I have been seeing is women trying to do things like men. Trust me ladies, you don’t necessarily want to do that. That’s not what the feminist movement fought for. Equality does not mean doing things the same way. Ex, I have been looking at online profiles. Its amazing the age ranges I see women seeking in men. Does that slightly overweight 45 year old really think she can get an athletic 38 year old man to commit to her? He may do sex, but commitment, hardly likely. It’s just unrealistic. Men in the over 35 age have too many options. And the younger guys are no help. They are generally never going to give you what you really want.

it still comes down to bargaining chips. If you are 45 and desperately want commitment, you will have better chances with the guy over 50 than the guy below 50. I keep seeing profiles of women where the upper end of their desired age range, is their age or no more than two years older than them. There are even some women listing years younger than themselves as their upper end. What people forget is that if they are 42, they will be 45 at some time and they will feel pretty much the same way about themselves. So really, nothing is wrong with the 45 year old guy. Even guys these days are starting to list five years older as their upper end.

The bigger problem with settling though, is that people are really not looking in the mirror. They are often asking for a standard that they can’t give. It’s the 5ft 2in girl asking for a guy over 6 ft.. It’s the 42 year old woman with a kid asking for a man with no kids. It’s the slightly overweight woman that wants a buff guy. It’s the woman with non-negotiables and disclaimers asking for an easy going drama-free guy. It’s the woman going on numerous dates with various guys asking for a one woman man. It’s the woman wanting a guy who will pay her bill, but want no part in paying any man’s bill. And finally, it’s the woman who has few or no potential suitors interested in commitment, demanding that very desirable guy who she knows has endless women throwing themselves at him.


When people self sabotage they are still, as ever, acting in their own interests, the thing to figure out is what interests specifically they might be. I’ve also noticed that as women’s options decrease, the demands get ramped up when they should be reduced. Women have a hard time dating online at all, its an admission of defeat in itself, as is any organised dating activity. It isn’t what Disney or TV promised would happen. Its also a wrench because the experience of younger women is clearly better than that of older women, I’d imagine it might be quite hard to face up to things having changed and wondering why all of a sudden men got so lazy and ill mannered (‘where have all the good men gone?’). So even if you’re getting dozens of replies, there is something painful about the whole experience anyway which is why, IMHO, we have these endless debates about how women have it just as bad online as men even if they are showered with attention. Its like getting a good performance appraisal in a job you never wanted.

So what is going on is a kind of internal poker game where the stakes are ego and the currency is some sort of pain. I date online but I have really high standards is a way of rationalising the whole thing and protecting the ego. The problem is that the worse it gets, the more painful it gets, so the higher the standards get which can sometimes get to the point of being quite comical to the onlooker (definitely one of those ‘you’re always the last person to know’ things). You have to understand at this point the dating profile has long since ceased to be written for a guy to actually read, its only for the person writing it to look at. It doesn’t annoy me, I just feel a bit sorry for someone in such a bind really. The only way people move on from something like this is that either they are capable of a bit of introspective inventory-taking or more usually, the pain of moving forward is outweighed by the pain of standing still.

People will go to endless lengths to avoid any sort of pain like this, its what ‘cognitive dissonance’ (a constantly misused term) is actually about. In Leon Festinger’s book that coined the term, the UFO cultists weren’t beamed up on the appointed day. Could they face up to having wasted their time and being fools? No. They made up a story that their actions had actually saved the world, they were right all along and this was a sign to actually stick even more closely to being UFO cultists. I’d have thought the parallels here are fairly obvious.


On the issue of standards/settling, I think the best standards to have are about yourself and what this person does in relation to you, rather than some objective, standalone standard. For example, I’d say it’s more important to find someone who (assuming you want it) is able to intellectually challenge you and broaden your horizons than it is to find someone with an Ivy League degree. Likewise, it’d be important to find someone where, with combined incomes, you’d be financially stable and capable of living the kind of life you want to enjoy, rather than them having an X-figure salary just to have one. Like, if the two of you with 5-figure salaries would be able to live comfortable, then why are you trying to find someone in the low-to-mid 6-figures? What’s the point? Likewise, sharing particular tastes in this or that is ultimately meaningless, if the person’s communication style is totally incompatible with yours. I mean, sure, you can talk about how you both love XYZ indie rock band, but if you’re incredibly animated and the other person is incredibly subdued or taciturn, would it be a good fit?

So, I’d say the standards to compromise on are the external hard-line standards (up to a point, of course), and that those standards should be compromised on in pursuit of the more important ones about how you feel with that person.

POETRY: HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU

The stars in her eyes dance like wild fire.
Her hair long and soft.
Her lips are soft as rose petals.
Where does this beauty come from
besides my dreams?


2

As the years go by, I've wished...
                   I look for you everywhere.
                   Around all the street corners
                   Through all the shop windows.

                   Love is all around me
                   Everybody is finding it.
                   And I sit here all alone
                   Just waiting for my chance.

                   When I finally find you
                   I will embrace the love.
                   I will never let you go
                   For you are my soul mate.

                   I know my turn will come
                   For now, I spend my nights alone.
                   You will be only in my dreams
                   Forever-until you come.




3

Play my life
Make my longing music
Sweep your bow across the strings of my being
Give song to my soul again
You play so effortlessly
Studied and patient
Your hands are sure, I sing without reservation
Sharing this music with you
My life flowing through this and you
An endless symphony only you can hear
You compose me, everything I am
I listen for you carefully
You create what you will with my life
And your love

     

4

dly I was thinking
About what to get for you
To get the greatest gift I could
Around the time of yule

I thought of getting regular stuff
Like flowers and chocolates and things
And then I thought of extraordinary stuff
Like emeralds or diamond rings.

Then I thought of the perfect gift
Though you'll probably thnk it's cliche
I'm sure you've heard it a million times
But I'll tell it to you anyway

I'd hang the moon for you to have
I swear this is no lie
And I will also get for you
Every star that's in the sky

And then I'll gather all the clouds
And shape them all into one
And then I'll reach into the sky
To give to you the sun

The moon, the stars, the clouds, the sun
All parts of heaven it's true
But heaven came down to Earth
When it took the form of you

I thought it would be the perfect gift
To reunite you all again
I hope that it will show
How much I love you,


5

Sometimes
Women remind me of the sun...
As I bask in their warmth, in their comforting glow.

Sometimes
Women remind me of overcast skies...
mysteries veiled unto themselves, not knowing what form
 they will take next.

Sometimes
Women remind me of a light breeze...
Refreshing as it washes over my body. It carries me away,
makes me soar. I feel I can do no wrong.

Sometimes
Women remind me of a tornado...
Randomly scattering my emotions wherever it chooses to do so.

Sometimes
Women remind me of a summer rain...
Nourishing me, seeping deep into my pores.

To me, women can change as easily as the weather.
One day, I hope to feel a gentle breeze and nice summer rain
 against my body,
Leaving a stunning rainbow inside my heart.



6

A certain time, a certain place,
Hey wait a sec I know that face.
I sat alone one day and she came to me,
this beautiful person that I know to be.
A mysterious girl I briefly met one night,
who would take me away on some crazy flight.
Thru things that I`ve hardly embraced,
things it would be a shame for one not to taste.
Though I`m unsure of the path I take,
because of hurtful things before I tried to make.
But now here you are with my heart in your hand,
I have yours too, that I understand.
As long as we`re careful not to stumble and fall,
I know mine's in good hands, and I shouldn`t worry at all.
But I know all too well that things can hurt bad,
and now that I`m not around you, you know I am sad.
For the times spent together you should know are cherished by me,
I hope you know how much I care, I hope that this you can see,
that I`m not going anywhere, I like things the way they be.
So here I write a mushy poem early in the morning,
I sincerely hope that it isn`t too boring.
I feel really stupid but I`ll send it anyway,
`cause I hope in this thing we have that you will stay.
I`ll go to bed now and I`ll be thinking of you,
I wonder now if you did the same about me too.


7


Fiery tears stain your face
Reappearing in wine finger fashion.
Next to me your body, like warm wild honey
Woven together in your irresistable embrace.
Your mouth, a delicately petaled flower
Breathing in the winds of an Indian Summer.
I again ponder winter's silent song
Now ablaze in a robust bloom.
Spring in all its glory
Sights set, your words a jadeite saber.
At ready to pierce my heart
Your eyes sparkle with stardust.
Orbed beauty viewed in heavenly colors
Of sapphire, violet, and indigo hues.
This garden of earthly delights
This Life
This Love
This You.


8

Loss, in a river of longings.
In the pool of moments
I once belonged.
Oceans of remembrance
produced rainfall of tears,
For your presence
I seem to have lost.

These hide and seek
games and gimmicks, love affairs;
Love on the run, tricks
you played with my mind,
Sank my heart...receding from
growth to decay, and
I lost direction from
pleasure to pain.

At last night's
love interlude
I witness our
penultimate solitude.
Like two opposite worlds
we went our separate ways
And my soul wept,
For I really loved you.


9

I  can't tell you how many times
your kisses have breathed life back into me,
how many times your kind words have saved me,

the sound of your voice
helped see me through dark places,
and your hugs squeezed life back into me.

The longer I love you, the longer I can't even imagine
how I ever got along without you.
I just wanted to say I love you so much.


10

She swore off love
To protect her mortal soul
Thinking nothing could hurt her
If she was so bold
She had experienced tragedy before
And wallowed in the pain
Agony and angst = love
With herself to blame
Now she is untouchable
Or so she seems to think
But her whole life changes
Within the time of a blink
Then she finds that person
Who seems to set her free
From the heartaches long before
That brought her to her knees
Now trust is an issue
She must learn to face
But she embraces all his efforts
With eternal grace
Had he not come into her life
GOD knows where she'd be


11

As the day creeps closer,
to finally being with you.
My nerves are going crazy,
I don?t know what to do.

My feelings are getting stronger,
with every breath I take.
When I sleep I dream of you,
I wish I would never wake.

When I finally wake up,
you are still on my mind.
You are the most perfect woman,
A truly extraordinary find.

After looking for years,
You were right in front of me.
I regret the time we lost,
The years I couldn?t see.

I wish I could give it back,
We could make up for lost time.
Those days are gone for us now,
But now our love is in its prime.

My heart is hopelessly devoted,
To the only woman I love true.
My whole heart is always yours.
I?m hopelessly devoted to you.


12

Sweet dreams that motivate the right decision
True vision that gives the right direction
Bright eyes that give clear vision...
Are lucid manifestations of your love.

A melodious voice that sends whispers of silence
An inferno of gladness quenches the fire of sadness
A garden of flowers that smells like expensive roses...
All solid perceptions of your love.

An ocean of emotions that stirs up the well of passion
A smooth heartbeat that restores the solitude of love
Perfect hope that beams bright, like snow...
Are durable conceptions of your love.

A gentle touch that leads to sweet surrender
Love kisses that generate sweet delight
Beaming light that creates sparkling eyes...
Are all perfect descriptions of your love.



13


It's easy to know
  you love someone,
  possibly,
  difficult to explain why,
  sometimes the right words
  won't come out,
  no matter how hard you try.

  Some people say
  your actions speak best and
  possibly,
  this could be true;
  but, I believe you'll do better,
  often telling her,
  "I love you".



14


This rose is a symbol of my love to you,
When I am not near.
When you are full of fear.
When you are sad.
When you are mad.

Pick up this rose and remember;
I love you with all my heart.
We will never be apart 'cause our souls have grown to one.
One that we will be for eternity!



15


He that loves easily gives up not,
But perseveres and hopes for a lasting change;
And, after realizing the truth can be found,
Pursues love til all is at hand.
He that loves has no reason to fear,
But believes and gives all within his power;
And, after giving love a lucid chance,
Knows that feeble love will finally disappear.
Yet, let no man be consumed by pride,
To feel he has the best of love to give.
He?s a fool, who thinks love will not prevail,
Over the moving force of tricks and games.
Strong love stands the test of time...
And survives the fierce turbulence of life.
When it?s thought that the end is in sight
With perseverance, love prevails at last.




16


From the silence I sense
Words slipping away
'Tween your heart's fray
And that of mine--
Into the silence.
Our eyes interlock
With conversation unheard,
Attentive to every movement,
Expressing what words
cannot grasp.
I reach for you;
I close my eyes,
And enjoy the warmth
Of your breath
On my face.
Our hearts keeping time
With His patience,
Yet racing ahead
To better days of life and love
And the Lord's own Beauty.
The deepest of sighs
And heartfelt bliss
Realized within a kiss,
And I hold you close
To my heart's rhythm.


17

Is it possible to exhale a tolerable amount of relief?
I wanted for so long to prolong,
THIS LOVE FASCINATION.
Time waits for no one,
but I still sit in anticipation.
Your presence is my ground for which I touch base.
Reality is so blunt,
blatent and obvious.
But the longing of confidence and desire are acute.
I can't seem to cover myself if with this mask of negativity.
With every downfall I become even further of an apparition.
There's more than I expected in life,
So help me continue on.
This is an aspect that is not quite apparent
Your absence compels me to endeavor what we can acquire.
Every glance of you encourages me to embrace every second
of love I can recieve.
Although we don't always come to terms,
we comprehend each other.
Since at this moment I can't have You...

         I DESIRE YOUR PRESENCE


18

I know we've never met,
But one day we certainly will.
We'll gaze into each other's eyes,
As the world seems to stand still.

The first time we talk it will seem,
As if we knew each other a lifetime.
Up my ladder of love,
You will surely climb.

So I thank you in advance,
For the new life you'll bring me.
For the love you'll teach me,
And the gorgeous couple we'll be.

For the kids we'll have,
And the memories we'll share,
Especially for always letting me know,
In my time of need, you're there.

When I call out your name,
You'll stand right by my side.
Always keeping your arms,
Warm, loving, and wide.

JOURNAL

The words of Marie Curie — “Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.” It reminds me of a Star Trek epsiode as well.

God...another weeks has pass. I am trying to control my thoughts instead of going auto pilot. My mental motto is "Thank You God". I know you are talking to me through other people, movies, and books. I am trying to listen. I want to thank you for
-gas in my car
-my job
-my parents
-my sister
-heat in my house
-a working car
-my health
-having food in the car
-savings in the bank
-my house

LOVE LETTER: MY MIND AIMLESSLY DRIFT TO YOU

As the day wears on my mind aimlessly drifts amid the endless possibilities of its end. I think of holding you closely as to never let go. I see the smile that makes its way onto your face and the gleam that sparkles in your eye as I softly whisper I love you. I think of you with every passing minute as if were the last. As day's end draws near, I think endlessly of you.

The yearning inside me to fulfill your every fantasy explodes in rage and yet is subtle and subdued in your presence.

The way my heart falls when I imagine your touch humbles me as I am reminded that only a man. The long nights warm, yet peaceful, linger as if to haunt me of my own desire. Patiently my desire holds as fantasy takes over my mind.

I place you amongst the clearest of silk white skies and a warm, yet gentle summer night breeze blows thru the windswept corridors in a picture perfect Victorian setting. Carelessly are they, the dream cast shades of white that drape atop the windows. Dancing seamlessly through the shadows as if orchestrated by the wind and time its conductor. Your silhouette is dreamlike, cascading across the memories that once inhabited this room. Gracefully as you make your way, this beautiful setting comes alive with passion. Almost with your every breath, time and all that surround us hang hopelessly awaiting. Shadows of iridescent light linger as if they had waited an eternity for this night to dance around you. Every element indescribable, how do such beautiful sights go unnoticed, for they cast themselves onto me as if they will never be forgotten.

My pace seamlessly lends confidence, as I closer myself to my every dream. Only to be humbled once again with one glimpse of the beauty that stands before me. You appear unattainable yet so very approachable, all attempts to forward myself halt. I stare in awe of this scene before me, as if written by Shakespeare only to be lost in the folds of time, to be revealed as if preserved for a lifetime awaiting only my arrival.

Gently my fingers lay onto yours and release a since of being indescribable, passion ignites in my eyes as they look deeply into your soul searching for the hidden desires they yearn to unleash from within. Feelings explode from the depths of your love only to be overcome by the softness of my voice and the softness of my lips as they come to rest with yours. Deeply again I look into your soul of adoration you hold for me. So gently my lips wet themselves as fingers make there way slowly and deliberately tracing the silhouette that longs for my touch. Shudders I feel from within your body speak volumes as you feel my love arise. Passionately I touch you, allowing my lips to gently fall from your lips to your neck. The warmth of my breath as it passes gently over your ear resounds deeply as it heightens in desire as images of taboo race through my mind.

Decisively and abruptly I walk you towards the dimly lit throw, confined are the deeply embedded feelings of lust that lay untamed within for me to bare. As time begins its decent from thought, I bare witness to the beauty you behold before me. Intrusting me your love, I slowly draw you down to your back as my lips again find themselves resting on yours. Shaking and nimble as if I, the artist wheeling the tools of unspoken desire, lay in front of me the Mona Lisa untainted and pure to the world. I slowly pull my lips away from yours as my eyes see yours open very nearly as to see new light for the first time. I gently allow my body to lie atop yours releasing my inhibitions as I feel you give yourself to me completely. The warm summer night breeze gently crosses over your skin now bare bringing with it a memory that will forever last and not be forgotten. Fingertips hypnotically trace over your every contour leaving nothing unexplored. My lips follow as your back arches, pushing your chest to me as my teeth close gently yet firmly on your breast. My tongue slowly, passionately and with the greatest of detail begins its journey to taste this beautiful woman that lie beneath me. My eyes not leaving the desire I find in yours invite them as well to follow. Very slowly I make way towards the most forbidden of all your love. As I near, your shudders rise to convulsing erratically.

Submissively your hands fall to follow the path I have chosen to your love. Hesitantly your fingers make there way thru my hair as I feel your body wanting more. Teasingly my tongue has come to trace its way along what will bring every bit of woman inside you to show itself. What had once quietly and discreetly passed its way over your delicate lips turns much more abruptly from the soft murmurs what had started, now to echo lightly through out the room. Your fingers grasp tightly to a handful each of my hair as you pull me closer to you, your body heaving uncontrollably as this agonizing look of ecstasy made its way onto your face. Just as I had pictured so many times every fiber of your being was invaded and taken over by my love. As you feel this building inside you a look of considerable fear steadily made its way onto your face. I looked again softly into your eyes assuring you that no harm would makes it way to you. I watched your eyes as they roll back, flickering steadily.

This feeling of something uncontrollable happening inside you begins to fall in waves, one on top of the other seamlessly as my tongue delved quickly into what had been until now, untouched. My hands on either side of you grasp firmly as to assure that feeling of safe has not been since lost. A woman this way comes now, my tongue makes it way from the bottom to the top just grazing the top of your skin coming abruptly to a halt underneath the swollen hood that so readily awaits the attention it will so deliberately receive. I place my hands one underneath each of your knees in wait that the ecstasy will begin to dissipate. Your convulsions have settled to shudders, unaware what lies in store you feel your knees move upward and apart. More openly your body than you felt comfortable, I allowed you no chance to respond as I began to instill a feeling inside of you, one in which would completely take over your body and render you momentarily helpless.

Flat my tongue lay against what soon it what part, the tip of it enticingly teased you making you cry out. Slowly the tip of my tongue curled its way to part your love, it made its way inside you at an almost evil and teasingly rate. Deliberately I taste every inch of you as this uncontrollable urge to explode from within has made its way up from your feet to the pit of stomach. So very badly do you want to tell me to stop yet coherency has long since vanished as my tongue continuously curl's its way up to the swollen womanhood that now lie within unprotected.

Letting my hands gently make there way down what has now become your very rigid and stiff legs, the tip of my tongue finally comes to rest where it diligently brings you time and again. I slowly drag one finger up from your backside very gently to meet with my tongue, it parts you and easily makes it way inside to explore you. Your body heaves and convulses as I easily but firmly withdraw my tongue and bite down on the swollen hood that graciously welcomed the though of my tongue gently massaging it. As my eyes rise again to your eye level, torment begins to show on your face contort thru many violent orgasms ripping thru your entire body.

I now lay beside you gently running my fingers up and down your love slower and slower until you subdue enough to come to. Spent you lay as if oblivious to the world around you, as if to start anew. Unaware as to time and place, you begin to come to slowly. What had just taken place begins to replay thru your mind and you begin to shake again as I rest my hand upon yours reassuringly of my love and the trust you confide in me.

As I lay next to you lost in your beauty and innocence, the images again dance thru my mind leaving behind the most insatiable fantasies but very taboo. The look of pure ecstasy contorts your face as I take you very demandingly time and again I bring you just far enough to keep you there helplessly yearning for me to bring you again.

Your eyes I catch watching me as my mind aimlessly wonders off again searching to renew lost memories of you. As we lay staring into each other's eyes, without a word one being spoken, we share the most private and intimate moment two people can share. Seductively you breathe as if the thought of my touch alone had swept you away. Your eyes speak unheard words, leading me into a fantasyland of constant and forbidden lust. My body longs for the softness of your touch as firm my love grows to be. My mind begins to race seductively with lust filled fantasies of taking you at my every whim. Again with no avail my eyes lock onto yours and they begin seduce me. I find myself all to often lost in fantasies having touch you a certain way only to have you submissively give yourself to me in everyway I want you. Impatiently I rise to my knees above you, carefully straddling one leg over the top of you sitting just inches off your chest and arms penned out and away from anything you can grasp. Somewhat surprised yet anxious your eyes watched me as to see what would come of this situation, then revealing itself to you the look of pure unadulterated lust and desire making its way onto my face brought a most uncertain look of despair to follow upon yours.

My look directly into your eyes with absolutely no expression, as my lips neared yours with every passing second brought the fear of the unknown to the surface and quickly. You act coy as if to say you can have me, maybe. I leaned completely down to you not allowing time for words to escaped your lips and buried my tongue into your mouth with such passion and desire that I put you in a daze. Still bound, your arms beneath my knees you struggle to free yourself yet to no avail. You realize now the intentions I have, I am going to take you right here, right now. As you watch helplessly I bound your arms away and above your head very securely with little or no movement left at all. Quickly I turn myself facing opposite of your arms and proceed to insure that your feet are bound just as securely. I slowly turn once more to face the most uncertain look on your face and I thought I was going explode from within I was so turned on by you bound, laying there helpless yet submissively. Suddenly the softness and seriousness of the words you spoke snapped me out of this dark fantasy I was fulfilling. As your soft and gentle voice registered flowing seamlessly as if there was never a doubt in your trust in me, the problem registered as well. I cut the bounds that hold your arms so securely in place, bound again your arms beneath my knees as I look to again tie them down this time leaving some room where as not to hurt you. I have bound your arms again this time knowing you have no recourse you anxiously watch my every move.

Seeing you bound helplessly with little covering your body, blood rushes areas in parts of my body that alone will take me over the edge. Careful as to get directly into your line site I stand there and slowly take my shirt off. I take my time teasing your eyes yet leaving much to your imagination as to what lie ahead for you. My clothes completely removed, my excitement abounds unable to hide even with the thick material that I had just removed. My fingers graze from the top of my shoulder down across my chest as I stand directly over you. Slowly I turn to the end of the throw where a chair sits alone. I bring the chair up to sit next to you, just out of what little reach you do have, I casually sit in the manor I usually do as I watch your body yearn for my love. I stare across the picturesque setting with every inch of me wanting to take you right now.

You are impatient not knowing what I am going to and start to get restless and jittery so I pull my chair to where the end seat hits you eye level and slowly work my way back into the chair. My knees I spread upward and away from myself revealing all of my love as it throbs with blood pulsing heavily thru veins the width of a dime from top to bottom. My hand slides down and past my waistline slowly and the anticipation of what I am about to do sends shivers through body enough to cause an uncontrollable convulsion as your back starts to arch slowly then releases it self again. My fingers slowly tease each of us purposely and deliberately just grazing enough of the top of my skin to cause chills to visibly shoot thru my entire body. Your eyes mock the movement of my hand as slowly my fingertips I allow to graze gently across the thickness and length the likes of which you haven't seen in a very long time. As my fingertips teasingly graze across the head of my love and looking as though it is about to burst, my hand slowly opens to sheathe it as my fingers deliberately work there way inch by inch slowly to the base. I then allow my fingers to grip firmly the base of what is soon to be felt inside you. What will be responsible for making you feel like the woman you are and the woman that only my love will find and bring you many times to know.

PERSONAL/JOURNAL: I STILL WANT TO FALL IN LOVE

I never thought this whole process would be so hard. You can guess my chagrin when I refer to marriage as a "process". Growing up on heavy doses of romantic movies, There were dreams of finding someone amid picturesque hills and valleys. Unfortunately, in the frantic bid to establish a career and standing on my own feet, a lot of my dreams have met the Grim Reaper; and one of those is that of meeting someone who will steal my heart away, right under my nose. The truth is, between an excrutiatingly busy career and a non existent social life, it has been impossible to meet someone. That is not to say, I have not tried the dating sites promise to find you the "one", but I think most of them are mirages that serve best to keep my hopes of finding a life partner alive but have so far not given me any tangible results.

I used to think finding love would be an easy thing. Think about it. I am a  attractive,  good health, well educated.. a doctor, have a house, car, and a great family.  A lot of girls would love to marry me. Well, I was so wrong. I had the fatally wrong notion that in the  I could snap my fingers and get the girl I want. Anyways, years ago, I gave in to the pressure of my loneiness and got married and realized she never really did love me. I won't ever settle again.

I think it's important to find love. I can't imagine what will replace not doing that, because I've done everything else I've wanted to. I think it's the sense of belonging I hanker after. I finally got to the point where I began to get at least a basic understanding of who I myself am and and the forces that made me what I am, I finally had the experience of meeting someone I loved purely for herself and not through the distorting mirror of my own psyche. For a variety of practical reasons it couldn't last long, but I remember one day in particular when we took a long walk by a river, when I had an overwhelming feeling of completeness, as though I had finally managed to accomplish something Nature had programmed me to do. And I felt very grateful for that experience, in many ways it didn't seem to matter how long it lasted, just to have had that day was everything.

I see lots of ads  where people describe in detail the type of partner they think they are looking for, it makes me sad because when you really love someone it's always a surprise. It could be anyone. For example....my best female friend (total babe) is married to an "ugly" bloke she disliked for weeks when they met at work, would never have dated him but then she left her long term boyfriend to be with him after they got closer and closer. As she said "I started having feelings for him and told myself not to be stupid...he's no Brad Pitt..." So she went from "Yuk" to "He's a good friend - he's alright" to "I really want to have sex with him" to "I want this man to be the one I spend the rest of my life with " in the space of 6 months.


The woman who do respond to me...it seem ... want more pictures...want to met up ASAP without even knowing anything about me...the person inside. They don't care about anything else except for Chemistry. You either have it or not. And I believe that real love takes time...you can't just know with one meeting, but you shouldn't be wasting peoples' times if your heart is close. Love is a choice. You choose to love someone when you're ready for a mature commitment, you want to build a family, and you want to grow together with someone you're compatible with (intellectually, sexually, spiritually, etc.) You get to a point in life when you want and desire a true, deep, meaningful, monogamous relationship that exceeds superficial fantasies. Deep within all of us (or at least I believe so) is an innate hunger to become entangled physically, emotionally, and spiritually with the one person you have decided to unite with in marriage even when all hell feels like is swirling around you.

I do believe in the term the "one". The one emphasizes you are the one I choose to dedicate myself to even when I sometimes feel like there could have been another one. Love/marriage exists when we can honestly say, I don't feel like loving you but I choose to because you are the one I choose to love. Maybe we have some instinct the kick in to tell us, this person is the right one. Maybe the instinct comes from life lessons from our parents or some other life lesson from whoever. And when we make that decision based on our heart, mind, and instinct, we open up and hopefully the other person is equally open to the love. We feel somewhat sure that this person is the one, no one can tell us different (if it's not the one, we have to find that out somehow). If it don't work we feel bad about it, lick our wounds, and start over again. If it does work, we act right and hope the other wants to act right too


 I want to meet someone.

Those five words lingered in my head, even as I tried to ignore that they were there. I distracted myself with thoughts of other things and by making to-do lists in my head. I pretended this desire wasn’t bubbling beneath me. couldn’t stop the message my heart sent to my mind.

I want to meet someone.Though powerful and constant — it’s not a helpless feeling or a dissatisfied longing. It’s different than it was years ago. I don’t feel like something is missing or part of me is still void — I’m not lusting after every woman. I feel no rush and no pressure, no need to speed along a road that I’m not sure how to navigate yet. I don’t believe it’s impossible to find happiness and I do believe I’m meant for a marriage– and still. Still – after (many) failed relationships, and one failed marriage I still want it.

I still want to fall in love.

But the craving has changed. It’s not wistful and romantic (well, only a little). I’m not looking to be completed. I’m not hoping to make a married woman out of a woman doesn’t even know how to love, is selfish or is totally emotionally unavailable. I’m not making myself something I’m not so I can be granted the so-called coveted title of boyfriend to just get sex

Instead– I want to meet someone… like me?

Someone with a heart that often feels too big for her chest. Someone who can see the good – the possible — in every part of her life, and especially with me. With us. Someone who captivates me, pulls me close and lets me fly. I want to meet someone who accepts herself and does what she can to understand the world. Someone who likes to read and run, travel and learn — explore and make mistakes, dream and slow down. Someone who makes me want to be a better me and be part of a better we than she has before. I want to meet someone who knows how to love– who wants love– who may be afraid of it, but tries it anyway. Who knows how important it is. Someone who has goals for herself and plans she will break for the right thing, the right person, the right place – the right time. Someone who is happy with the someone and the something and the somewhere she is.

I want to meet someone who likes the way the world rests on Sundays and how it’s the perfect day to wake up late, make love and eat pancakes. Someone who wants a family just as much as they want an amazing, fulfilling career, and knows you’ll never be able to be perfect at either. I want to meet who has her act together like I do. Someone who wants to try new things but also likes to be a regular at places she can’t and won’t stop going to. Someone who knows how to kiss h and knows that love isn’t always enough– but it’s always worth whatever it brings or makes you learn.

I want to meet someone who challenges me and yet, makes me feel comfortable in my sweat pants, without any hesitations. Someone who wants to know what I know, who wants to see the town I grew up in. Who can’t wait to be friends with my sisters and or go on a walk with my mom. Someone who comes from a place I admire and has a laugh I long to hear. Touch I want to feel. I want to meet someone who is strong enough to stand next to me and sweet enough to let me fall into her when I need it. Or even when I don’t, but want it. Someone who remembers the things I say and can hear the things I don’t, someone who will be there today, tomorrow – always. I want to meet someone who wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here, with me.

I want to meet someone.

Someone out there in this big world, living on some street I’ve crossed a million times, taking some train at the same time, thinking about when she would meet… someone like me.

JOURNAL: STOP CHASING SEX

I wasn't always after having sex on the first date. After the relationship with Melissa....something changed in me. I was in a loveless relationship and I stayed because of the sex. Melissa..stop loving me...but kept coming back. Why did I let her ruin me? or rather ..why did I let myself change to something I don't like.

Maria..did love me.

My wife didn't

I don't want to be used....or rejected. So many woman are just not nice at all. They have this sense of entitlement.

I've come to the conclusion that we are all damaged during our childhood in some way. But to blame our parents...only keeps us as victims.

I finally understand now..when my mom kept telling me that family is so important when you get married. You don't only marry the person but you are marrying your partners' family...and all their friends, and entire past life. I thought she was just trying to scar me, but when you think about it. Your world looks and feels a certain way. Then you met and fall in love with someone whole world looks and feels completely different from yours. In the beginning that doesn't matter because the physical sensation of being in love is so great....but then all of sudden, you realize what your partner is the way they are by their family.

It so stupid to think..that if I had this certain person...my life would be great or complete.You should be complete without them.

I guess I didn't love myself enough to leave Melissa, to leave my ex-wife when I knew from their action..they didn't love me. I stayed because I didn't want to be alone....I didn't like being with myself...or maybe that I won't be able to handle life on my own. I didn't think I could handle a house on my own...but I am. I didn't think I can handle problems on my own. My biggest fear is losing everything...my family, my house..my health...and being homeless. It that stupid voice of the ego...that voice that tells me I am ugly..I am nothing. Why do I listen to it? a stupid little voice in my head that tells me....whatever i do..isn't good enough. When I think about it...i probably have had that little voice..my whole life.

It seem that the feeling of fear seem to creep into my life more often than the feeling of love....I need to face it...

"Hello fear...nice to meet you..i am confident in my ability here, so I don't need what you are selling me today."