LOVE:CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS

Is it possible to attract a romantic partner from out of thin air? I believe it is. The conditions are that (1) you have a real desire for a romance relationship, and (2) you are able to discover a corresponding wanting element in your being and reverse it. As a result, the man or woman of your dreams can emerge from out of nowhere.

In the German romantic comedy, Mostly Martha, Martha Klein is a workaholic chef, single-mindedly obsessed with the perfection of her culinary creations. After her boss, restaurant-owner Frida, catches her arguing with a pair of customers over the quality of her cooking, Martha is ordered to see a therapist to try to work out her control issues and poor interpersonal relationships. Meanwhile, Martha's sister, perhaps her only connection to a world outside of her job, dies in a car accident, leaving Martha in charge of her niece, the sullen and broody Lina.

Martha finds it extremely difficult to emotionally bond with Lina, demonstrating her psychological problems. Martha's world is then further turned upside down when the owner of the restaurant hires funloving and unorthodox Mario as a sous-chef to replace one of the workers there. Along the way, Mario challenges Martha's defenses and bonds with Lina, who begins to accompany Martha to work.

Martha begins to relax and open up to the possibility of a romantic relationship with Mario. However, after a second romantic interlude, it seems her psyche just cannot handle that possibility, and she in essence forces Mario out of her life.

One day after Lina tried to run away to Italy to visit her true father, Martha has an emotional catharsis and deeply bonds with the young girl. At that very instant, Mario knocks on her door, rekindling their relationship, which soon leads to their happy marriage.

What happened was that at the very moment the standoffish, obsessive, compulsive Martha gives into her feelings toward the young girl, the man of her dreams appears at her door, leading to the marriage and happy life that was unavailable to her until that point. By overcoming a deep-seated wanting attitude, life responded and brought the man of her dreams to her doorstep, when the relationship seemed all but over. That is the power we evoke when there is an aspiration for romance matched by a reversal of a limiting part of our being. Life immediately moves on our behalf, attracting the man or woman of our dreams out of thin air.

Here are several other examples of this dynamic:

A mean-spirited retired military officer shifts to goodness by helping a young friend in a trial, and suddenly attracts the woman of his dreams on the way out of the courtroom.

A man who is deeply in love with a woman is unable to win her over. But when he stands up to an abusive boss, from out of nowhere she immediately appears at his doorstep, confessing her love.

A man in love with a woman is unable to win her over in full. However, when he refuses to give in and mock another woman when the entire group gathered at a reception does so, he attracts someone who causes the woman whom he adores to suddenly show great interest in him, leading to their marriage.

When a man who has had a number of failed relationships finally gives is and works hard to earn a living, he attracts the most romantic relationship of his life.

A man changes his arrogant and haughty ways, and suddenly finds out that the woman he adores who has rejected him in the past, now wants him, leading to their romance, marriage, and his greatest happiness and fulfillment in life.

A woman, surrendering to the truth, finally acknowledge the questionable behavior of her family, attracting a wealthy man out of nowhere, leading to their marriage, their deep fulfillment, and vast prosperity for her family that had been teetering on failure.

In each case, an individual had an aspiration for romance, plus made a decisive change in their attitude that attracted their dream partner literally from out of nowhere. That being the case, ask yourself this: Do you aspire for romance? And if so, what key wanting attitude about yourself, life, or work needs to be changed? If you make that adjustment, life can reward you with the most fulfilling romantic relationship of your life.

LOVE;WHAT IS LOVE?

For 2.000 years we in the West have heard that genuine love is unselfish. You should – “think of others, not of oneself”. A man who loves his wife does not do it for his own sake, the song goes. He does not love his wife because he gets pleasure from sleeping with her. His love is, if it is pure, “spiritual”, unselfish and clean, not “carnal”, selfish and vulgar.

But is love unselfish? *Can* love be unselfish?

Well, try to imagine what it would mean to love another person without there being “anything in it for you”.

You meet a woman. She is fat. She has pimples. Her clothes are dirty and unkempt. You feel no attraction to her at all.

But you feel sorry for her. You think – “According to the Christians and socialists I should think of *other* people´s happiness, and not my own. I should sacrifice myself in order to make others happy. And I should “lift up” the lowly and depraved. This woman does not care. She does not bother to make herself attractive for a man such as me. So I must help her. I must give her a hand. I must say to her that I love her. I must be kind to her. I must be unselfish. I shall put her happiness above my own. I shall give her a happy life, without there being anything in it for me. I shall be a good person, according to the altruist conception of the good.”

So you take this woman out to dinner. You give her flowers. You whisper sweet words in her ear. You date her. Eventually you propose to her. And she does not realize that you are unselfish. She takes it for granted that you would not propose to her, unless you *wanted* to marry her, because she made *you* happy. So she answers – “yes” – to your proposal.

You marry each other. And you yourself are not happy. You are barely able to carry out sexual intercourse with her, since it does not give *you* any happiness to sleep with her. You feel that each day that goes by in her company is bleak. You begin to become depressed. But you pretend that she makes you happy. You keep up a front. And it is all because you want *her* to be happy.

What do you think will happen? This unselfish “love” will not accomplish anything good. Sooner or later your wife will realize that you only married her because you pitied her, and because you wanted to make *her* happy. Do you think that she will thank you for it, when she discovers the truth? No, she will curse you all she can. She will think that you were a dirty rotten swine. Her heart will break.

So you see? Unselfish “love”, by its nature, is an impossibility. But you may say – “No, it was not the *unselfishness* which was the problem in the scenario above, but rather the *dishonesty* and *duplicity*.” But the truth is that the concept of “unselfish love” itself *cannot* be anything but a lie. Because selfishness is an inseparable part of all love. To love another person is one of the most selfish actions that a person ever can commit.

When you love a man or a woman, you care about him or her because his or her happiness respectively, means everything for your *own* happiness. A man or a woman, who loves his or her partner, is grieved and depressed, if and when the partner gets cancer, or dies in a fire, or develops Alzheimers. As these examples demonstrate, it is obvious that when you love your partner, the partner´s wellbeing means enormously much for *your* own happiness.

The Christians and the socialists devalue and despise love when they say that it should be “unselfish”. To pick a man or woman to be *the one* who means more for your own happiness than any other person besides yourself, that is to confer a sublime honor on the other. But to say to a man or woman – “I love you without having any interest in your fate. My happiness does not depend in any way on your happiness. I love you without any gain. I do not become happier when you do.” – does that sound appealing? No, it is a way to drag love down into the mud.

No, when 2 people love another, the one of them becomes happier when the other does. Love is an expression of mutual self-interest. When you love another, your own happiness becomes intimately intertwined with the loved one´s happiness. Your own happiness comes to depend largely on the other´s happiness. That is why a man or a woman is often willing to die for their loved one´s sake. A selfish person safeguards the things that he values. So when a man risks his life to save the life of his wife, for example if she is drowning, he demonstrates that he is selfish, and that his wife is one of the few values which he ranks as being as important as life itself.

If a man values an antique car which he owns, then he will show it with the extensive care which he devotes to the car for the sake of his own happiness. He devotes several hours every Saturday to waxing and polishing the car. He washes the windows of the car carefully. He spends many thousands of dollars a year keeping the car in good shape. In a similar way a man demonstrates that he values the woman whom he loves, when he showers attention on the woman for the sake of his own happiness. He takes the woman out to fine dinners. He gives her beautiful flowers. He always remembers her birthday. He spends thousands of dollars buying her beautiful clothes and jewelry. He gives her tender kisses and caresses every morning when she wakes up. The only difference between a man´s love for his antique car, and his love for the woman that he loves, is that of course he loves his woman enormously much more than he loves his car. Many men would give their lives for their woman´s sake, but there is hardly any man who would give his life for the sake of his antique car!

The philosopher Ayn Rand expressed this principle eloquently in her novel The Fountainhead. One of the heroes says there – “In order to say `I love you´ you must first be able to say `I´”.

The philosophical principle is that a *value* presupposes a *valuer*, i.e. a subject for which the value is good. A man or a woman cannot be a value, cannot be loved, unless there is a woman or man for which she means something. For to value and love someone, you must yourself derive some value from the love, otherwise the “love” would be indifferent. And “indifferent love” is a contradiction in terms.

So genuine love *cannot* be anything but selfish.

JOURNAL;Harder for Americans to Rise From Lower Rungs

Harder for Americans to Rise From Lower Rungs

By JASON DePARLE



WASHINGTON — Benjamin Franklin did it. Henry Ford did it. And American

life is built on the faith that others can do it, too: rise from

humble origins to economic heights. "Movin' on up," George

Jefferson-style, is not only a sitcom song but a civil religion.



But many researchers have reached a conclusion that turns conventional

wisdom on its head: Americans enjoy less economic mobility than their

peers in Canada and much of Western Europe. The mobility gap has been

widely discussed in academic circles, but a sour season of mass

unemployment and street protests has moved the discussion toward

center stage.



Former Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, a Republican candidate

for president, warned this fall that movement "up into the middle

income is actually greater, the mobility in Europe, than it is in

America." National Review, a conservative thought leader, wrote that

"most Western European and English-speaking nations have higher rates

of mobility." Even Representative Paul D. Ryan, a Wisconsin Republican

who argues that overall mobility remains high, recently wrote that

"mobility from the very bottom up" is "where the United States lags

behind."



Liberal commentators have long emphasized class, but the attention on

the right is largely new.



"It's becoming conventional wisdom that the U.S. does not have as much

mobility as most other advanced countries," said Isabel V. Sawhill, an

economist at the Brookings Institution. "I don't think you'll find too

many people who will argue with that."



One reason for the mobility gap may be the depth of American poverty,

which leaves poor children starting especially far behind. Another may

be the unusually large premiums that American employers pay for

college degrees. Since children generally follow their parents'

educational trajectory, that premium increases the importance of

family background and stymies people with less schooling.



At least five large studies in recent years have found the United

States to be less mobile than comparable nations. A project led by

Markus Jantti, an economist at a Swedish university, found that 42

percent of American men raised in the bottom fifth of incomes stay

there as adults. That shows a level of persistent disadvantage much

higher than in Denmark (25 percent) and Britain (30 percent) — a

country famous for its class constraints.



Meanwhile, just 8 percent of American men at the bottom rose to the

top fifth. That compares with 12 percent of the British and 14 percent

of the Danes.



Despite frequent references to the United States as a classless

society, about 62 percent of Americans (male and female) raised in the

top fifth of incomes stay in the top two-fifths, according to research

by the Economic Mobility Project of the Pew Charitable Trusts.

Similarly, 65 percent born in the bottom fifth stay in the bottom

two-fifths.



By emphasizing the influence of family background, the studies not

only challenge American identity but speak to the debate about

inequality. While liberals often complain that the United States has

unusually large income gaps, many conservatives have argued that the

system is fair because mobility is especially high, too: everyone can

climb the ladder. Now the evidence suggests that America is not only

less equal, but also less mobile.



John Bridgeland, a former aide to President George W. Bush who helped

start Opportunity Nation, an effort to seek policy solutions, said he

was "shocked" by the international comparisons. "Republicans will not

feel compelled to talk about income inequality," Mr. Bridgeland said.

"But they will feel a need to talk about a lack of mobility — a lack

of access to the American Dream."



While Europe differs from the United States in culture and

demographics, a more telling comparison may be with Canada, a neighbor

with significant ethnic diversity. Miles Corak, an economist at the

University of Ottawa, found that just 16 percent of Canadian men

raised in the bottom tenth of incomes stayed there as adults, compared

with 22 percent of Americans. Similarly, 26 percent of American men

raised at the top tenth stayed there, but just 18 percent of

Canadians.



"Family background plays more of a role in the U.S. than in most

comparable countries," Professor Corak said in an interview.



Skeptics caution that the studies measure "relative mobility" — how

likely children are to move from their parents' place in the income

distribution. That is different from asking whether they have more

money. Most Americans have higher incomes than their parents because

the country has grown richer.



Some conservatives say this measure, called absolute mobility, is a

better gauge of opportunity. A Pew study found that 81 percent of

Americans have higher incomes than their parents (after accounting for

family size). There is no comparable data on other countries.



Since they require two generations of data, the studies also omit

immigrants, whose upward movement has long been considered an American

strength. "If America is so poor in economic mobility, maybe someone

should tell all these people who still want to come to the U.S.," said

Stuart M. Butler, an analyst at the Heritage Foundation.



The income compression in rival countries may also make them seem more

mobile. Reihan Salam, a writer for The Daily and National Review

Online, has calculated that a Danish family can move from the 10th

percentile to the 90th percentile with $45,000 of additional earnings,

while an American family would need an additional $93,000.



Even by measures of relative mobility, Middle America remains fluid.

About 36 percent of Americans raised in the middle fifth move up as

adults, while 23 percent stay on the same rung and 41 percent move

down, according to Pew research. The "stickiness" appears at the top

and bottom, as affluent families transmit their advantages and poor

families stay trapped.



While Americans have boasted of casting off class since Poor Richard's

Almanac, until recently there has been little data.



Pioneering work in the early 1980s by Gary S. Becker, a Nobel laureate

in economics, found only a mild relationship between fathers' earnings

and those of their sons. But when better data became available a

decade later, another prominent economist, Gary Solon, found the bond

twice as strong. Most researchers now estimate the "elasticity" of

father-son earnings at 0.5, which means that for every 1 percent

increase in a father's income, his sons' income can be expected to

increase by about 0.5 percent.



In 2006 Professor Corak reviewed more than 50 studies of nine

countries. He ranked Canada, Norway, Finland and Denmark as the most

mobile, with the United States and Britain roughly tied at the other

extreme. Sweden, Germany, and France were scattered across the middle.



The causes of America's mobility problem are a topic of dispute —

starting with the debates over poverty. The United States maintains a

thinner safety net than other rich countries, leaving more children

vulnerable to debilitating hardships.



Poor Americans are also more likely than foreign peers to grow up with

single mothers. That places them at an elevated risk of experiencing

poverty and related problems, a point frequently made by Mr. Santorum,

who surged into contention in the Iowa caucuses. The United States

also has uniquely high incarceration rates, and a longer history of

racial stratification than its peers.



"The bottom fifth in the U.S. looks very different from the bottom

fifth in other countries," said Scott Winship, a researcher at the

Brookings Institution, who wrote the article for National Review.

"Poor Americans have to work their way up from a lower floor."



A second distinguishing American trait is the pay tilt toward educated

workers. While in theory that could help poor children rise — good

learners can become high earners — more often it favors the children

of the educated and affluent, who have access to better schools and

arrive in them more prepared to learn.



"Upper-income families can invest more in their children's education

and they may have a better understanding of what it takes to get a

good education," said Eric Wanner, president of the Russell Sage

Foundation, which gives grants to social scientists.



The United States is also less unionized than many of its peers, which

may lower wages among the least skilled, and has public health

problems, like obesity and diabetes, which can limit education and

employment.



Perhaps another brake on American mobility is the sheer magnitude of

the gaps between rich and the rest — the theme of the Occupy Wall

Street protests, which emphasize the power of the privileged to

protect their interests. Countries with less equality generally have

less mobility.



Mr. Salam recently wrote that relative mobility "is overrated as a

social policy goal" compared with raising incomes across the board.

Parents naturally try to help their children, and a completely mobile

society would mean complete insecurity: anyone could tumble any time.



But he finds the stagnation at the bottom alarming and warns that it

will worsen. Most of the studies end with people born before 1970,

while wage gaps, single motherhood and incarceration increased later.

Until more recent data arrives, he said, "we don't know the half of

it."

JOURNAL;Wall Street Is An Illegal Cartel That Needs To Be Busted Up: William Cohan

The big Wall Street banks have achieved so much control over their industry that they amount to an illegal cartel, says William Cohan, a former banker and the author of many books and articles about Wall Street, including "Money And Power," a book about Goldman Sachs.

The pricing power and profits that the big banks have is similar to that of Standard Oil, Cohan argues, referring to the gigantic oil monopoly owned by John Rockefeller that was broken up a century ago.

Cohan observes that prices of transactions like IPOs and M&A deals are basically fixed across the industry and produce humongous profits. And smaller "boutique" firms are not able to compete on price because they lack the distribution and influence of the biggest banks.

Cohan believes that the government should intervene, breaking the cartel's stranglehold. He notes, however, that a prior case brought against the industry 60 years ago failed. And even if the government were to successfully intervene, the specific remedy is not clear.

JOURNAL:What the Top 1% of Earners Majored In

What the Top 1% of Earners Majored In

By ROBERT GEBELOFF and SHAILA DEWAN



12:21 p.m. | Updated to add a fuller list of majors at the bottom of the post.



We got an interesting question from an academic adviser at a Texas

university: could we tell what the top 1 percent of earners majored

in?



The writer, sly dog, was probably trying to make a point, because he

wrote from a biology department, and it turns out that biology majors

make up nearly 7 percent of college graduates who live in households

in the top 1 percent.



According to the Census Bureau's 2010 American Community Survey, the

majors that give you the best chance of reaching the 1 percent are

pre-med, economics, biochemistry, zoology and, yes, biology, in that

order.



The 1 Percent



Looking at the top of the economic strata.



Below is a chart showing the majors most likely to get into the 1

percent (excluding majors held by fewer than 50,000 people in 2010

census data). The third column shows the percentage of degree holders

with that major who make it into the 1 percent. The fourth column

shows the percent of the 1 percent (among college grads) that hold

that major. In other words, more than one in 10 people with a pre-med

degree make it into the 1 percent, and about 1 in 100 of the 1

percenters with degrees majored in pre-med.



Of course, choice of major is not the only way to increase your

chances of reaching the 1 percent, if that is your goal. There is also

the sector you choose.



A separate analysis of census data on occupations showed that one in

eight lawyers, for example, are in the 1 percent — unless they work

for a Wall Street firm, when their chances increase to one in three.

Among chief executives, fewer than one in five rank among the 1

percent, but their chances increase if the company produces medical

supplies (one in four) or drugs (two in five). Hollywood writers? One

in nine are 1 percenters. Television or radio writers? One in 14.

Newspaper writers and editors? One in 62.

Undergraduate Degree Total % Who Are 1 Percenters Share of All 1 Percenters

Health and Medical Preparatory Programs 142,345 11.8% 0.9%

Economics 1,237,863 8.2% 5.4%

Biochemical Sciences 193,769 7.2% 0.7%

Zoology 159,935 6.9% 0.6%

Biology 1,864,666 6.7% 6.6%

International Relations 146,781 6.7% 0.5%

Political Science and Government 1,427,224 6.2% 4.7%

Physiology 98,181 6.0% 0.3%

Art History and Criticism 137,357 5.9% 0.4%

Chemistry 780,783 5.7% 2.4%

Molecular Biology 64,951 5.6% 0.2%

Area, Ethnic and Civilization Studies 184,906 5.2% 0.5%

Finance 1,071,812 4.8% 2.7%

History 1,351,368 4.7% 3.3%

Business Economics 108,146 4.6% 0.3%

Miscellaneous Psychology 61,257 4.3% 0.1%

Philosophy and Religious Studies 448,095 4.3% 1.0%

Microbiology 147,954 4.2% 0.3%

Chemical Engineering 347,959 4.1% 0.8%

Physics 346,455 4.1% 0.7%

Pharmacy, Pharmaceutical Sciences and Administration 334,016 3.9% 0.7%

Accounting 2,296,601 3.9% 4.7%

Mathematics 840,137 3.9% 1.7%

English Language and Literature 1,938,988 3.8% 3.8%

Miscellaneous Biology 52,895 3.7% 0.1%

Source: 2010 American Communty Survey, via ipums.org



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THOUGHTS/JOURNAL: RELATIONSHIP INVENTORY

Relationship Inventory:

1-What I like about the relationship

-someone to watch movies with

-someone to cook for me

-someone to do my laundry

-someone to have sex with

-someone to have meals with

-someone to come home to

2-Positive Qualities:

-sometimes she was nice

-when i was sick she cared

3-5 things that she did special for me

1-My back

2-dinner for anniver

3-customs for sex

4-massage during vacation

4-List of things that my family liked 

-sister like when she listen to her

5-Family didn't like

-she was fake

-talk about things that were inapproiate.

6-List of neg about the relationship:

-I had to do everything

-clean up her mistakes

-

7-List of my wife's neg qualities:

-unreliable

-lies

-cheap

-not loving

-bad manners

-doesn't listen

8-List of my ex's positive qualities that turned neg:

-giving in the beginning with attention

-sex

-listened

9-warning sign:

-made me pay for parking in first date

-need to sleep early and she didn't give a shit

-Christmas gift

-lies

10-5 hurtful incident

1-christmas

2-want to sleep

3-her going to drink during CME

4-leaving me without telling me

5-unrelible

11-What i did wrong: 

-controlling

-being in a bad mood

-putting her down

-not trusting her

THOUGHTS: DESTINY

In our lives, certain things may lead us to believe that our lives are mapped out, are predetermined by some higher authority. Other things may make us think that our lives are decided solely by our own actions, by our own free will. In my opinion, I believe that our lives are a concoction of both. There are times in our lives when we think that the decisions we make our purely our own, but are they really? Are we ALWAYS the ones who “decide” what is best for ourselves? I think certain choices and actions are left up to us. The real question is: which ones? How do we know which choices are our own and which ones are already decided for us? That is a question that only He can really answer.

To me, our lives are mapped out, to a certain degree. We have many aspects of our lives predetermined. For example, I think that the field in which we work is already decided for us. I think that God has planned for me to become a nurse, and that He has planned for my best friend to be a psychologist. I also believe that our soul mates are already chosen for us. There is a reason people meet and marry, and there is also a reason people meet and break up. When people break up, it is God’s way of showing us that this person is not our soul mate. Let’s say that you break up with someone, and then you get back together. I can’t see why God would “let” you get back together for any other reason than to show you that this other person is, in fact, your soul mate. When it comes to moving and relocating, I believe that this is also already established. For example, I have moved three times in my life so far, since the age of eight. There has to be a reason for that. God decided this for us; these types of things happen for a reason. Sometimes these reasons don’t seem fair or just, but there is always a reason. As E.B. White once stated, “I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority.” To me, he understands our lives are already determined for us, and that we should just respect God’s plan and not try to change things for what we think would be better for us.

When it comes to simple, everyday choices, I think that they are made by our own hopes and dreams, by our own free will. Things like which movie to see or what to eat for lunch are simple decisions that people make everyday. Choices such as whether or not to study for a final exam, or to drive or walk to school, are ones that really have no effect on your future. Decisions that we make each day, ones that hardly require any debating about, are the ones that are so minor that they could, in no way, effect the outcome of our destiny, of our future. As Sir William Osler once said “Live neither in the past nor in the future, but let each day's work absorb your entire energies, and satisfy your widest ambition.” To me, he is saying that we shouldn’t live our lives thinking about the past, nor thinking about the future. Is seems to me that he knows that our lives are basically mapped out for us, and that we should make our present decisions based on today, and not based on what we think will happen due to this decision in the future. He believes that we are left to make up our own minds about these simple decisions, and that God wouldn’t let us make them if they would, in any way, effect His plan for us.

In the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: “Look not mournfully into the Past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the Present. In is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy Future, without fear, and a manly heart.” Basically, don’t dwell on what happened in the past, but try your best at whatever comes your way in the present. By doing this, you will meet your future (which seems to say that your future is already a thing, already known by God) ready and expecting. Once the time comes to meet your future, you will be prepared for whatever is handed to you. Your destiny is something that is mostly decided for you. It is something that you can’t change, no matter how hard you try. Life is full of choices you think are totally dependent on you. The truth is, the REAL choices, the life altering ones, are determined before you make them. God makes them a reality. He creates our fate.

LOVE/ THOUGHTS:SOUL MATE ARE REALLY PEOPLE TOO

 A good friend of my is divorcing her husband because she bought into the lie that God wants us to "be happy" in marriage and freed from her current spouse to find her one, true "soul mate." Like most other people, she has this fantastical, unreal notion that God brings together two lost hearts who experience true compatibility in all the deepest longings of their being. Most people think that your soul mate is someone that you never argue with and spend endless days of hand-clinching romantic walks on the beach with. No hardships, no struggles, just starry-eyed wonder for the next 80 years. The truth is, a soul mate isn't someone you find, it's someone you intentionally and prayerfully become.

Anyone in a successful marriage can tell you that "success" in marriage doesn't come from finding that one person you were meant to be with. It only comes from giving up the selfish behavior that served you while you were single, and focusing on selflessly serving your spouse instead. A happy marriage requires a completely different mindset than the 50/50 concept most couples enter into marriage with. The idea that if I do my 50% and Sabrina does her 50%, we will have a happy marriage is ridiculous. The only way to have a happy marriage is if I take the selfish focus off of myself and put 100% of my energy into serving each my partner and she does the same with me. If I am focused 100% on serving her I don't even realize when my needs and desires aren't being met, because I'm not focused on my needs and desires, but hers.

Nowhere in the Bible does God say anything about soul mates. God gives us the simple details on how to have a great marriage. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Wives, respect your husbands. Both of these are intentional acts of selfless sacrifice that will guarantee us to have a happy marriage.

JOURNAL/THOUGHTS/LOVE: WHAT I LEARNED

I spent most of my time in my late teens and early twenties on finding love, or so I thought at the time. In actuality I was seeking self-acceptance, approval and identity. I was deeply insecure and had a great fear of being alone. I jumped from relationship to relationship, all the while searching for myself. But the act of seeking self-worth through my external relationships took me further from that which I longed.

Whenever I found myself in a relationship, I would drop everything that was important to me and would focus exclusively on the person I was dating. You see, I didn’t respect myself, and I thought that finding someone to love me was more important than anything else. During these time-consuming romantic courtships, I was distancing myself further from my passions, my purpose and my true self.

Looking back, I had entered many of these relationships out of infatuation or loneliness. It was the fear of abandonment or the guilt of obligation that kept me in these relationships. I often got into and remained involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. I would convince myself that no one else out there would love me, and so I settled. Despite my surface appearance, I was deeply unhappy.

My freedom day came in a state of deep depression over unsatisfied relationships and through a growing despise of my gross dependencies on them, a miraculous understanding came to me and I experienced a moment of clarity. At that moment I made a vow to end the pain

It was through the state of despair and depression I was in that the pain I was experiencing helped to nudge me into sudden clarity about what I’ve been doing wrong all these years.  It was an exceptionally exhilarating and liberating day for me.

From that day on, my life has never been the same.  The cycle of destruction had finally come to an end. Sometimes, life can only turn around when you’ve hit rock bottom. The insecurity of not being liked, of not fitting in, of not belonging, of being alone, of not being loved. Through much realization about myself in the past few days, I discovered that I used to have a psychological dependency on men, or the idea of having a man there for me.

In the most extreme sense, it was as if my entire self worth relied on this dependency, on this idea of support. Once that dependency is challenged and uncertainty is added into the equation, I become this insecure little boy, unable to continue. I scramble, I panic, I look for plan B, I start to seek out alternatives, replacements … pads to protect my body from shattering into little pieces should I fall from that balcony of visions that I’ve created.

Visions and fixation, of hope, of ideals, of situations, of longing… all of which I have projected onto this woman who is the current holder of my self-worth and whom I’ve depended on such that I cannot function normally without. In a deeply unconscious state, without knowing it, I’ve asked her to put an invisible leash on my self-worth and my security. As a result, she’s got all of my time, my attention, my heart, and my love and a momentary pause has been placed on my true passions.

I have goals, but in the pursuit of keeping her happy, I set aside my goals and grace her with my attention and time. Deep down, secretly, I feel that without her image around, I will not be able to excel, and that I will not be okay. This of course is a false illusion, but because it’s been deeply buried in my subconscious, I have not been aware of it until now.

With each partner, when their true, ugly qualities re-surface above the perfect image I’ve projected upon them, I abruptly leave and start seeking the next holder of my invisible leash.

Today, I declare to the Universe that with this self revelation, I shall let this go, completely. I do not need it in my life, for it is no longer serving me.

My true self worth comes from myself, my heart, and my perception of my world. I adore myself, I love myself, and I am a wonderful being with lots of love to share.

I am in complete control of my life and my experiences. I gain more security in myself each time I do something that pleases me. I gain when I read wonderful books and learn new things. I gain when I am writing and exploring my feelings. I gain when I re-organize my life (living space, routine, health, goals). I gain when I think about all the wonderful blessings in my life. I gain when I take pictures that capture truth. I gain when I have meaningful conversations. I gain each time I accomplish a goal. I gain each time I think – with absolute faith that – I will always end up in the best possible place no matter what happens. There is something wonderful and valuable from every situation I encounter.

I learned something today:
Love yourself, and love others as if they were me.
Smile lots, and spread joy.
Be truthful, be compassionate, be patient, and be forgiving.
Live with the big heart you were born with.


Problematic Relationship Patterns

Let’s first look at some common relationship problems and why many romantic partnerships do not work out.

1. Ego, Fear, & Emotional Insecurities

As with material possessions or professional achievements, relationships give our ego a method by which to identify who we are to the outside world. The problem is that we attach so much of our identity to the external appearance of our relationships that we lose touch with the parts of ourselves that are wise and conscious. The attachment to this false identity leads to a feeling of desperation rather than fulfillment. After all, without the relationship, or the job, or whichever other false identity we have chosen, who would we be?

Besides the ego identification, it’s easy to develop a dependency on companionship. That independent person that we once were starts to evaporate. Our mind becomes fogged and as our self-identification begins to attach itself to the other person, unconsciously or consciously, we become afraid to lose that person. We become dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness.

Out of our emotional insecurities, we start to become needy and to seek out validation from our partner. So, instead of focusing on thecelebration of love and partnership, it becomes a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.

2. Communication of Needs

Out of a desire to avoid appearing needy and out of a fear of losing our partner, we start to filter what we say. In doing so, we do not communicate our needs clearly, openly or bravely. We somehow become convinced that our partner will magically know what to do to fulfill our needs. When our needs are not met, we secretly blame the other person and begin to resent them. When we are unhappy, our partner will pick up on the cues, and in turn, secretly resent us, thus starting a vicious cycle in the silent destruction of a romantic partnership.

So much of what needed to be said was not said, and bad feelings are bottled up and start to accumulate for both parties. Have you ever had a friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are unhappy about with their partner? Those are the kinds of things they should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.

Worse yet is when one partner openly communicates their needs only to find that the other party is simply not listening, or does not fully acknowledge what was said, or makes them feel guilty for having those needs.

3. Bad Fit and Settling by Default

Deep down, we are all really good people. But this doesn’t mean that any combination of two good people will make a good partnership. There is such thing as a bad fit, and it is okay to admit it.

The best fits are ones where the most important values for both people are met. They must have life goals that align with one another and have a mutual attraction, understanding, and level of respect for each other. Both people must be committed to making the partnership their top priority.

Sometimes, even when we realize that our relationship isn’t a good fit, we justify staying in it with what seem like logical reasons. We may feel that we won’t find another person who accepts and loves us as much as the current partner. Or we may be afraid to be alone, so we simply settle by default. Each time we are reminded of the bad fit, we brush it under the rug and distract ourselves with some other thought.

We may feel that we are doing a service to the other person by staying in the relationship, but in reality, we are hurting them by not being honest with them and ourselves. And we are accumulating bad feelings and bad energy in our inner space.

Who Is Your Ideal Mate?

We all have a rough idea of what our perfect partner is like: beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or petite, or pale, or dark, or handsome, or fit, with this car, or with that house or whatever else that strikes our fancy.

The problem comes when we find ourselves in a relationship and we are constantly comparing our partners with this conjured-up ‘perfect’ person. When that happens, we stop appreciating our partner for all the beautiful qualities they do possess.

The truth is this perfect person does not exist. More importantly, we may not actually need all of these qualities in a partner to beextraordinarily happy.

What we need is to identify the most important qualities that we must have in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled (more on creating a must-have list below). By not having identified the must-have qualities in our chosen life partner, we end up settling, and since the person cannot give us the things we truly need, we start to resent them. This will snowball into larger issues.

For example, if height is something that is really important to you, and your partner does not meet that height requirement, regardless of how much they try, they will never grow taller or shrink shorter, and this will bug you and affect your union.

In life, we will get random results if we have not specified what we want. Identifying and understanding what it is that we need in a relationship, allows us to set clear intentions, and in doing so, moves us closer to realizing our intended desires.

Identifying Must-Haves


Step 1. The Perfect Image

On a blank piece of paper, list out all the qualities that your ideal partner will have. What kind of characteristics and qualities do you truly desire? Be creative and open. Use a bullet pointed list, not sentences. List out as many as possible, and use as many pieces of paper as needed.

Be as specific as you can. Get into details like physical attributes, values, lifestyle, views on money, spiritual beliefs, personality traits, hobbies, abilities, age, habits, profession, tastes, etc.

For physical attributes, include things like height, weight, body type, hair color, ethnicity, or anything that you would want if you had your choice in creating your ideal partner.

Step 2. Minimum Requirements (MR)

Minimum requirements are qualities you need from your partner, and without them, you will feel unwell or unsatisfied.

Go through each quality from step 1 and test it with this question:

“Would I rather be alone than be with a person who wasn’t [insert quality]?”

If the answer is yes, mark MR next to the quality, otherwise, leave it blank.

Don’t worry if your list sounds superficial or ridiculous. One MR item on my list is “Great dancer with rhythm and groove”, which may seem like a trivial or petty quality for some people, but is a deal breaker for me.

Step 3. Screening MRs

Now, filter through the MR list, for each item with the MR label, ask the following question:

“If a person had all the other qualities on my MR list, am I willing to let this quality go?”

If the answer is yes, cross out that MR.

The Selection Process

I believe it is crucial to identify and clearly communicate our relationship expectations and personal timelines early on in the dating phase. So often, we get into relationships with silent expectations of a future event that is important to us, thinking that our partner will come around to it when the time is right, only to find out several years later that things will never work out the way we expected. Some common unspoken issues of this nature revolve around marriage, children, financial goals, and even which city you settle down in.

First, be clear with yourself on these types of issues. Understand what kind of commitment you are looking for in a relationship, how you feel about children and where you plan to live. There are no wrong answers, but be honest and specific about what you are looking for in the current stage of your life.

Next, tell yourself that on all of your first dates, you will be clear with people about your relationship expectations and timeline, if any. It can be a scary and awkward experience at first, but it will become less of a nerve racking experience over time. And just think of all the time and emotional energy you are saving by being open from the get-go, instead of setting silent expectations that can lead to disappointment.

On my first dates with any girl, I found that telling them my expectations was pretty nerve-racking, especially for women I was really attracted to, since they could potentially run the other way. I would begin to tell myself that this would be too much of a shocking conversation for most people to handle on a first date. Why not just wait until date 5 or 6, when I know that she really likes me? The answer is that by then I would have emotionally attached myself to this person and would then be in a situation where I would either have to settle for less than what I wanted, or break it off. It would have been much better to have learned on the first date whether or not we were a good fit.

Personally, I was looking for a wife and to start a family. I would tell them that I wanted to get married within a year. “Are you okay with that timeline?” I would ask them. The men who were okay with my timeline stayed and the ones who weren’t went away. No hurt feelings and everyone wins.

Many of us have latched onto this concept of finding “the one” person out there for us, and so we linger in every relationship that pops up, fearing that we might miss out on “the one”. Think about the fact that there are 6.8 billion people on the planet. Doesn’t it make more sense that “the one” is more likely to be “the one-hundred-thousand”? I genuinely believe that there are a countless number of people out there who will be great fits for us, and it’s just a matter of filtering through potential partners until we find one of them.

As such, communicating your desires, needs and expectations, ahead of time, becomes crucial. For example, if having children is of utmost importance to you and your partner is set against having kids, then likely the relationship will not last and both parties are wasting time in the process.

Dating shouldn’t be about settling out of a fear that a better fit might not come along. I believe that dating is about identifying the qualities you need in a person and in a relationship, and then “filtering” through as many people as it takes until you find someone who possesses all the important qualities that you need.

Have you ever had the experience of shopping for a car, and found that once you targeted in on the exact make, model, and color you wanted, you began to see that car everywhere? From my personal experience, I found that once I became clear with what I needed and expected in a partner and in a relationship, more eligible bachelors who had those qualities started showing up in my life.

JOURNAL/ THOUGHTS/LOVE: TRYING TO FIND LOVE AFTER DIVORCE

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You worry about your ex finding love before you do, you worry about being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well at night.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and wariness. “My ex never liked broccoli. Why the hell does this one eat so much broccoli?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very jarring. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and in dire need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to suffer from a bout of amnesia. You’re going to poke and prod at your lover’s body and be like, “Wait, how do I do this again? How do I love you? I think it starts with us having a moment together in some coffee shop, right?” It’s going to feel scary at first. Falling in love is sort of like riding a bike though. You never really forget.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’ll be a more sane person. Your first love is when you get all of your insanity out. You behave like an insane monster because your mind is freaking out about all these new powerful feelings. By the second time, however, you have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. It’s by no means perfect. The insanity will make a cameo at some point. “Peek a boo. I’m here! Hope you didn’t forget about me!” But you can usually shoo it away after awhile.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you will hopefully have better sex. Do not quote me on this.

The second time you fall in love with someone will still be exciting and you might even talk about moving in together or marriage. It will feel more “adult.” You have no idea what adult love actually is but you think it involves making coffee for each other in the morning and maybe even getting a dog. “This is my dog, Xan. I got him with the second person I fell in love with because that’s what you do! The first person I was in love with would’ve killed a dog.”

The second time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The second time can involve some amazing love.

THOUGHTS: CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

Little A: I was hoping still she would come back and something will trigger in her to contact me.

Big A: You need her for what

Little A: For acceptance. It Outer Homan who want sympathy...not me

Big A: I don't think she will come back. We been doing great...in Florida...relaxing..going to the pool..eating and hanging. You still had  good time without her. It was only when the Lawyer called did you get sad again.

Little A: Yes...because now it seem like she will not come back. The vacation also remind me of our time in Miami.when we dated.

Big A: We will form new memories...with someone else. I love you...and I will take care of you. I know she wasn't all bad...but she made your life stressful. She didn't love you enough to stay and make it work. You need to let go of her..you don't need her to feel safe....I will watch over you. I am your anchor. I love you Homan. I won't let anything go wrong with you.

I am grateful for:

-health

-parents

-sister

-my job

-my car

-my house

-food

-clothing

-eyes

-hearing

JOURNAL: LAST DAY OF VACATION

I feel like crap. I was thinking of my wife.....why did she leave. Got a call from my lawyer.....she put in her net worth. That is what trigger it

THOUGHTS: CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

Little A: why does everyone leave me?

Big A: I am not leaving you

Little A: I am scared..I get frighten...and alone. I will starve and be homeless.

Big A: You won't...i won't let that happen to you.

Little A- i am unable to take care of myself..I don't know how. Where am I going to sleep? Who is going to feed me?

Big A: I will feed you and bath you and you can always sleep with me.

Little A: I am never good enough...that is why everyone leaves me. I am not beautiful enough. Everything I do is always wrong. I am not smart enough. Even mom and daddy said so...all the time to us. We can never get anything right...even the simple thing or big thing. We couldn't get a job without daddy...we couldn't have brought the house without daddy. We couldn't do anything without mom and daddy helps.

Big A: There is nothing wrong with you Homan. I know you always do the best you can. You are who you are..it not like you are lazy. I see you do your best. I see you try not to hurt anyone. I think you are perfect to me. You are so handsome...your beautiful eyes and black hair....always smiling. I love you.

Little A- I can't be myself...i need to fake being someone else. No one like me..when i am me...I have to project a different person.

Big A: You don't have to be anything but yourself with me. I will love you no matter what. Believe me when I tell you this...because it is true.

Little A: Even Laleh thinks she is better than you...and you are older than her.

Big A: Laleh isn't better than you...she is just different.

Little A: Our wife left us...and we were so much better than her in every way possible....looks...money..and family.. What does say about me?

Big A: It doesn't say anything about you. She is making a mistake.

Little Homan: I guess i want affection..or sex because that is how i am preceived as OK. If someone is loving me...then I must be OK...that they want to be with me...that I am not ugly enough to be with.

Big Homan: You aren't ugly. I have seen pictures of you...You are so handsome...very attractive.

Little Homan: You are just saying that.

Big Homan: No i am not...i started to look at pictures and we look OK.

Little Homan: I am trying to be my partner servant so they won't leave me...that they need me.

Big Homan: You don't have to be anyone servant. I will love you when no one will.

Little Homan: Mommy tell me that everything I do is wrong and she just trying to help me.

Big Homan: she has her own issues. She is projecting.

Little Homan: Am I defective? Do i have a defective gene? Because everything I do is constantly wrong!!!!!!!!!

Big Homan: There is no such thing as a defective gene. There is nothing wrong with you.

Little Homan: I am so weak...unable to take care of myself....that is why I constantly need someone.

Big Homan: You need me. You can rely on me. 

Little Homan: I can't trust my decision...i am afraid of making mistake and the being attacked and told that I was stupid and I didn't know.

Big Homan: I will support your decision. You know what is best for both us...you always did. You are so smart...

Little Homan: I am constantly in need of mommy approval and daddy approval. Afraid of their criticism.

Little Homan: I don't feel like doing anything ..but sleep

Big Homan: That is not good for you...you can't hide forever

Little Homan: I just can't believe she left me...All i did was to help her..but she would lie to me constantly. I couldn't trust her.

Little Homan: Another weekend is coming and I will be alone

Big Homan: You won't be alone. I will be with you

Little Homan: I feel lost...abandoned like when I got lost in the department store or in the street one time.

Big Homan: But this time you are not a child...you are with me. I will hold you and talk to you..and take care of you.. You know Homan...she didn't really love you and took care of you...our wife. She won't be coming back again...she wasn't good for us. You know that. Instead of her taking care of us...you had to be adult and take care of her constantly....remember. You were constantly stress out.

Little Homan: You are right...I had to act like the adult with her. But why does my heart beat so fast..why am i nervous?

Big Homan: You been hurt...and you think I will leave you...you are worried....but i won't leave you.. I love you.

THOUGHTS/JOURNAL: THOUGHTS ABOUT MY MARRIAGE

There something happening to me..my wife left and i am unlovable. I failed yet another relationship.

Truth: my wife left me                             False: My wife
left me because I am unlovable.                         She left me over the house

Truth: only my marriage is ending              False: My life is ending

I guess what is brother me is that fact that my wife left me and I find that unacceptable. I am just focusing on my picture of my life.

Being spiritual...i have to believe that everything that happen as it should be. Nothing happens by accident. Right now ..i don't any reason why I must go through this pain..i just don't. It is hard to trust God right now when you are in pain. If i step out of my ego and trust the universe....i would feel better. Why is this happening to me....why am
I being mistreated.
My life shouldn't be like this...I am suppose to be married like everyone else and have kids..and not I am left behind. I am spending all my energy to try to change the outer reality of my life. When we're attach to something...we resist any outcome different from the one we want.

I keep telling myself...this can't be...this is unfair...this is not what is supposed to happen to me. This is not how I planned my life...it's not suppose to look this way and feel this way.

I have to believe that God has my happiness in his or her heart. Although I feel alone...i am part of whole world. I am like a wave of the ocean of GOD.I have to trust that there is a greater plan for me and it will unfolded in time.

You can't force someone to love you if they don't. You can't for someone to be with you if they don't. Everyone has the right to do what they want. I can't force my wife to come back. You can't make someone be honest with you when they want to lie.

I have to let go of this....

What am i resisting in my life? I am resisting being on my own...and be independent.

What am I afraid of? Being homeless and not loved and alone

What will happen If i surrender to this situation? I will have to start cooking for myself, I will be unable to save money, I will have to sleep alone..., i will have to start all over again and date.

Who is getting hurt? ME

What obstacles need to be removed before I can surrender? I guess..my fear that I am unable to handle being alone, that I will die if i am alone, that I don't have the skill to survive...that I will have to work more and do more instead of resting.



The positive things:
-I don't have to take care of her
-Stress level is down
-I don't have to deal with someone who lies to me
-I don't have to deal with someone who doesn't listen to me.
-I have more time for myself


I guess if I let go....and surrender...i will be face with something I can't handle. I have been living in fear...and have constant anxiety. I need to get to the bottom of this: What am i afraid of?

fear of the unknown
fear of doing without
fear of the future...the uncertainty.

1-I will never get married again and I will be alone forever.
2-I will never have a family of my own
3-I will have to start dating again
4-I will be unable to take care of the house myself
5-I am unable to feed and cook for myself.
6-I the clinic close...i don't have a support system
7-I have to start paying for my health insurance
8-I will be unable to save money


If all of my fears came true what steps do i need to take:
1-get on dating sites online
2-learn how to cook online and get cook book
3-if i lose my job...rent the house and use some of the money to rent
an apartment
4-Start saving....

JOURNAL: REFLECTION OF MYSELF THAT I HATE

When I got married..i blamed my wife for everything. I was the good guy and she was the bad girl. We are all one. You are within me. When I see someone being generous...i would think I am generous.But when I see someone be angry, selfish, or lying....i would think that isn't me..but the things is ...every quality that exist in another person..also exist in me...even though I might now express that trait at the same moment under the same circumstances...i would probably display some version of the same behavior in another time and place. You contain everything you see in others. All that i see and conceive is  reflection of my inner world. Every emotions i have ...there is opposite.

When I point the blame to my wife...i became powerless. Everything I love and everything I hate is simply a mirror of my internal self and enables us to stop projecting the unwanted and disowned aspect of myself to others. Since we can't see ourselves by ourselves, we are creating a reflection in others. The outer world is a mirror. When i see your kindness ...i see mine..when I see your angry...i see mine. But when you see qualities in your partner that you hate...you are seeing parts of yourself that you have buried away. If you wife lack integrity..and it upset you...it is because you can't be with your own lack of integrity. You are either denying it or hiding it or suppressing it. But it is the quality that pisses you off the most is the quality that is unhealed...that has energy. The only way to heal this reaction is to unhealed part of yourself.

We draw people in our lives to see the part of ourselves that we denied. Instead of accepting our disassociated part, we project these qualities onto our partner.

quality my wife had:
-lie
-be inconsistent
-abandonment
-not listening to me
-selfish

quality my parent have
-lie
-be inconsistent
-abandonment


So here come that hard part...do you love yourself when you lie...or when you are inconsistent or selfish? When you say "I'm not like that"...it means you are.

I am selfish
I do lie
I am inconsistent


You have to see the gift that selfish and lie.