JOURNAL: LAST DAY OF VACATION

I feel like crap. I was thinking of my wife.....why did she leave. Got a call from my lawyer.....she put in her net worth. That is what trigger it

THOUGHTS: CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

Little A: why does everyone leave me?

Big A: I am not leaving you

Little A: I am scared..I get frighten...and alone. I will starve and be homeless.

Big A: You won't...i won't let that happen to you.

Little A- i am unable to take care of myself..I don't know how. Where am I going to sleep? Who is going to feed me?

Big A: I will feed you and bath you and you can always sleep with me.

Little A: I am never good enough...that is why everyone leaves me. I am not beautiful enough. Everything I do is always wrong. I am not smart enough. Even mom and daddy said so...all the time to us. We can never get anything right...even the simple thing or big thing. We couldn't get a job without daddy...we couldn't have brought the house without daddy. We couldn't do anything without mom and daddy helps.

Big A: There is nothing wrong with you Homan. I know you always do the best you can. You are who you are..it not like you are lazy. I see you do your best. I see you try not to hurt anyone. I think you are perfect to me. You are so handsome...your beautiful eyes and black hair....always smiling. I love you.

Little A- I can't be myself...i need to fake being someone else. No one like me..when i am me...I have to project a different person.

Big A: You don't have to be anything but yourself with me. I will love you no matter what. Believe me when I tell you this...because it is true.

Little A: Even Laleh thinks she is better than you...and you are older than her.

Big A: Laleh isn't better than you...she is just different.

Little A: Our wife left us...and we were so much better than her in every way possible....looks...money..and family.. What does say about me?

Big A: It doesn't say anything about you. She is making a mistake.

Little Homan: I guess i want affection..or sex because that is how i am preceived as OK. If someone is loving me...then I must be OK...that they want to be with me...that I am not ugly enough to be with.

Big Homan: You aren't ugly. I have seen pictures of you...You are so handsome...very attractive.

Little Homan: You are just saying that.

Big Homan: No i am not...i started to look at pictures and we look OK.

Little Homan: I am trying to be my partner servant so they won't leave me...that they need me.

Big Homan: You don't have to be anyone servant. I will love you when no one will.

Little Homan: Mommy tell me that everything I do is wrong and she just trying to help me.

Big Homan: she has her own issues. She is projecting.

Little Homan: Am I defective? Do i have a defective gene? Because everything I do is constantly wrong!!!!!!!!!

Big Homan: There is no such thing as a defective gene. There is nothing wrong with you.

Little Homan: I am so weak...unable to take care of myself....that is why I constantly need someone.

Big Homan: You need me. You can rely on me. 

Little Homan: I can't trust my decision...i am afraid of making mistake and the being attacked and told that I was stupid and I didn't know.

Big Homan: I will support your decision. You know what is best for both us...you always did. You are so smart...

Little Homan: I am constantly in need of mommy approval and daddy approval. Afraid of their criticism.

Little Homan: I don't feel like doing anything ..but sleep

Big Homan: That is not good for you...you can't hide forever

Little Homan: I just can't believe she left me...All i did was to help her..but she would lie to me constantly. I couldn't trust her.

Little Homan: Another weekend is coming and I will be alone

Big Homan: You won't be alone. I will be with you

Little Homan: I feel lost...abandoned like when I got lost in the department store or in the street one time.

Big Homan: But this time you are not a child...you are with me. I will hold you and talk to you..and take care of you.. You know Homan...she didn't really love you and took care of you...our wife. She won't be coming back again...she wasn't good for us. You know that. Instead of her taking care of us...you had to be adult and take care of her constantly....remember. You were constantly stress out.

Little Homan: You are right...I had to act like the adult with her. But why does my heart beat so fast..why am i nervous?

Big Homan: You been hurt...and you think I will leave you...you are worried....but i won't leave you.. I love you.

THOUGHTS/JOURNAL: THOUGHTS ABOUT MY MARRIAGE

There something happening to me..my wife left and i am unlovable. I failed yet another relationship.

Truth: my wife left me                             False: My wife
left me because I am unlovable.                         She left me over the house

Truth: only my marriage is ending              False: My life is ending

I guess what is brother me is that fact that my wife left me and I find that unacceptable. I am just focusing on my picture of my life.

Being spiritual...i have to believe that everything that happen as it should be. Nothing happens by accident. Right now ..i don't any reason why I must go through this pain..i just don't. It is hard to trust God right now when you are in pain. If i step out of my ego and trust the universe....i would feel better. Why is this happening to me....why am
I being mistreated.
My life shouldn't be like this...I am suppose to be married like everyone else and have kids..and not I am left behind. I am spending all my energy to try to change the outer reality of my life. When we're attach to something...we resist any outcome different from the one we want.

I keep telling myself...this can't be...this is unfair...this is not what is supposed to happen to me. This is not how I planned my life...it's not suppose to look this way and feel this way.

I have to believe that God has my happiness in his or her heart. Although I feel alone...i am part of whole world. I am like a wave of the ocean of GOD.I have to trust that there is a greater plan for me and it will unfolded in time.

You can't force someone to love you if they don't. You can't for someone to be with you if they don't. Everyone has the right to do what they want. I can't force my wife to come back. You can't make someone be honest with you when they want to lie.

I have to let go of this....

What am i resisting in my life? I am resisting being on my own...and be independent.

What am I afraid of? Being homeless and not loved and alone

What will happen If i surrender to this situation? I will have to start cooking for myself, I will be unable to save money, I will have to sleep alone..., i will have to start all over again and date.

Who is getting hurt? ME

What obstacles need to be removed before I can surrender? I guess..my fear that I am unable to handle being alone, that I will die if i am alone, that I don't have the skill to survive...that I will have to work more and do more instead of resting.



The positive things:
-I don't have to take care of her
-Stress level is down
-I don't have to deal with someone who lies to me
-I don't have to deal with someone who doesn't listen to me.
-I have more time for myself


I guess if I let go....and surrender...i will be face with something I can't handle. I have been living in fear...and have constant anxiety. I need to get to the bottom of this: What am i afraid of?

fear of the unknown
fear of doing without
fear of the future...the uncertainty.

1-I will never get married again and I will be alone forever.
2-I will never have a family of my own
3-I will have to start dating again
4-I will be unable to take care of the house myself
5-I am unable to feed and cook for myself.
6-I the clinic close...i don't have a support system
7-I have to start paying for my health insurance
8-I will be unable to save money


If all of my fears came true what steps do i need to take:
1-get on dating sites online
2-learn how to cook online and get cook book
3-if i lose my job...rent the house and use some of the money to rent
an apartment
4-Start saving....

JOURNAL: REFLECTION OF MYSELF THAT I HATE

When I got married..i blamed my wife for everything. I was the good guy and she was the bad girl. We are all one. You are within me. When I see someone being generous...i would think I am generous.But when I see someone be angry, selfish, or lying....i would think that isn't me..but the things is ...every quality that exist in another person..also exist in me...even though I might now express that trait at the same moment under the same circumstances...i would probably display some version of the same behavior in another time and place. You contain everything you see in others. All that i see and conceive is  reflection of my inner world. Every emotions i have ...there is opposite.

When I point the blame to my wife...i became powerless. Everything I love and everything I hate is simply a mirror of my internal self and enables us to stop projecting the unwanted and disowned aspect of myself to others. Since we can't see ourselves by ourselves, we are creating a reflection in others. The outer world is a mirror. When i see your kindness ...i see mine..when I see your angry...i see mine. But when you see qualities in your partner that you hate...you are seeing parts of yourself that you have buried away. If you wife lack integrity..and it upset you...it is because you can't be with your own lack of integrity. You are either denying it or hiding it or suppressing it. But it is the quality that pisses you off the most is the quality that is unhealed...that has energy. The only way to heal this reaction is to unhealed part of yourself.

We draw people in our lives to see the part of ourselves that we denied. Instead of accepting our disassociated part, we project these qualities onto our partner.

quality my wife had:
-lie
-be inconsistent
-abandonment
-not listening to me
-selfish

quality my parent have
-lie
-be inconsistent
-abandonment


So here come that hard part...do you love yourself when you lie...or when you are inconsistent or selfish? When you say "I'm not like that"...it means you are.

I am selfish
I do lie
I am inconsistent


You have to see the gift that selfish and lie.

JOURNAL:MY FIRST POST

Today I went on a date...it didn't got well. Once again..a woman said that she was ready for a relationship and get married and have kids.....wasn't ready for me. But guess what...I am not upset. It;s her loss. I am moving on with my life. It been over two months since my wife left me. I notice that the med. are helping me. I am at the house on the weekends now. A big step.

JOURNAL/THOUGHTS: WHY I WRITE

I write erotica the way I do because I am sharing the inner emotions of the erotic in my heart and mind and in my experience. The essence of my expanded awareness exudes from those words…even though they are baudy or explicit. That grabs you. I know it does. So…you become curious on some level and then you keep reading. You can’t help yourself. *naughty grins*

I write posts on how spirituality, relationship and life experiences effect my bliss. I do that because I need to express this joy the same way a person who loves to sing uses their voice to express something important to them. I write like its a song to me. I sit here and I let the thoughts and emotions of the moment flow out of me. Sometimes that’s silly and succinct, like yesterday’s post. Sometimes its just a bit of fluff like the stumble upon posts. Sometimes it just really deep stuff. Sometimes its intensely erotic. I let the words come as the spirit moves me…and I try to give those I love enough privacy while carrying on with my writing purpose.

My purpose? It is to heal and to teach and to help others expand their awareness. It is to share love. Because that’s the most basic message of what I write. I am exploring and expressing my joy in loving and in living. Simple as that.

THOUGHTS: THIS NEW YEAR: THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR

You didn't go to sleep hungry last night.
You didn't go to sleep outside.
You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning.
You hardly broke a sweat today.
You didn't spend a minute in fear.
You have access to clean drinking water.
You have access to medical care.
You have access to the Internet.
You can read.
You have the right to vote.
Some might say you are rich, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

JOURNAL

Today was good day. I feel reflesh. My mind is more relax. I was exhausted yesterday. I had to take another nap in the morning, but after i did, it was like my mind was clean. I notice the difference. I was able to sleep that night as well. Some night when I try to sleep, there seem to be a wall in my head that won't let me go to deep sleep. It might be I am tense. I am tense. Always worried. My muscle is most tense in my neck.

I developed an abcess under my left arm pit. I been putting heat compression on there. I will never shave my armpit again. I learn my lesson. This might be another expression of my mental state.

I worry that I might repeat myself over and over again in my blog....but so what?

I finish uploading alot of my audio books in Google music.

I went to a boat ride last Friday. It went around the city under all the bridges in the city. I was exhausted.

So, I worry. I worry about my parents dying. I try to enjoy every moment with my parent every weekend. I love them. I love them so much.

OPRAH FINAL SHOW...GOOD BYE OPRAH

I can’t deny that I have enjoyed her show. Oprah has managed to stay real by allowing her viewers to see her struggles: Her abused childhood. Her weight. Her early struggle to gain the confidence to succeed in TV. Her messages are generally universal in nature and empowering—find your inner spirit, forgiveness is empowering, believe in the power of redemption, and so forth. But it’s more than that, too.

As I was watching the celebrity-filled United Center send-off—yes, the celebrity shows are fluffy, but you have to admit it’s cool to see the range of celebrities who came out for her farewell—it occurred to me: there is no other show which has her capacity for social impact.

As they showed people—mostly women and children, but definitely men as well—from around the globe who have been touched by this show, it became clear to me what her departure from the stage will mean.

What other show has the capacity to put someone on screen, and almost instantly raise awareness of an issue to that degree? What other host has the leverage to get major corporations to donate hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars, to her specific causes? Who else can effect change so quickly and dramatically?

More than the celebrities, or the screaming women receiving free gifts, is the commitment to use her platform to improve the world. To speak out against abuse. To fight hunger, spread literacy, and provide a voice to others who felt they had none. To recognize so clearly that there were viewers at home who would identify with those on stage, who struggled with the same issue, and who might just use that particular episode as a lifeline to keep them afloat.

The key principle of her show, she tells the audience frequently, is intention. The good she has done with her fame and fortune is massive. Whether it is building a school, or giving away her favorite things, she is leaving a legacy of excellence and generosity. (Don’t you know how much I would have liked to be in the favorite things audience...screaming and head exploding like all the rest?) She has allowed herself to be known, glamorous one minute and flannel pajamas the next, and let us see her without makeup. She has built an audience so loyal that she seldom had to worry about ratings, but she vowed to present shows that had value for the viewer and she has done that extremely well. And let’s not forget that she got people to read and made a lot of authors’ careers.
.

Yes, I will miss her. I will miss her like a dear friend with whom I can laugh and cry. I have come to love her humor, her passion for her dogs, her straight talk and her intention to live her best life. I wouldn’t mind trying to live her best life – but I will continue to try to live my best life as well as I can. She has inspired that in me, and for that I admire and thank her. She will no doubt surprise us with her next chapters.

 Just like Mary Hart...I will miss Oprah. Little by little....my childhood is going. The world is so uncertain....what is happening.

~ ~ ~ ~

As Oprah’s show has wound down, one specific episode really struck me.

When I heard that James Frey, the now infamous author of A Million Little Pieces, was going to be on her show again in the final weeks, I couldn’t believe it. How could she give that guy who lied in his book, and then presumably profited even more from the controversy, more publicity? I hate when people profit from bad behavior—see the financial collapse of 2008—and was upset that Oprah would give him this platform again.

(If you were absent from Earth and missed the James Frey controversy a few years ago, click here for a summary, or click here for the transcript of the January 2006 interview in which Oprah scorched Frey.)

But I watched the latest James Frey interview.

And it was riveting.

For starters, Oprah was much more low-key than she was when Frey came back to her show during the heat of the controversy in 2006. Back then, she tore into him for embarrassing her and deceiving her readers; now, sitting in a quiet hotel meeting space, with no studio guests, both Oprah and Frey were reflective on what happened. They both reflected about that famous day on her show, how the whole situation came to be, about all of it.

Interestingly enough, neither watched the show after it was first broadcast; Frey still hasn’t. (I wouldn’t, either; if there’s only pain and negativity in the rear-view mirror, take the lessons you need to get out of it and just look forward.)

He acknowledged, when asked, that he was not aware of the lion’s den he was about to walk into that day, that the producers had not told him the details in advance. Oprah then asked him essentially the same question in different ways at multiple points throughout the interview: Did he feel ambushed by the questions she asked him that day? Did he feel it was unfair? Was he upset afterward?

Every time she asked, his response always came back to this:

“Whatever happened that day, I brought on myself.”

He said it not in a diplomatic-but-quietly-I’m-upset kind of way, but in a way that suggested he really meant it. He did not communicate any feelings of anger over what happened, never once expressed displeasure with her producers for not preparing him.

So why did he come back that day, even when his attorneys advised him not to, telling him that he would expose himself to lawsuits and more?

“I came because I think I owed it to you to come,” he told Oprah. “When this was all happening, I kept saying to myself, ‘How did you arrive at this? How did you do this?’… I knew that what happened was my fault. I created that mess, I created that situation. And that if I had to come bear the responsibility of what I had done, that I should do it.”

Wow. I was stunned as I watched that.

We live in an age where we teach our children, and teens in particular, to make good decisions, to take responsibility for their actions. Yet all around us we see the opposite. We see athletes who get caught cheating yet continue to lie. Politicians who get caught yet continue to deny. People who simply refuse to say, “I made a mistake,” or more importantly, “I’m sorry.”

Frey did none of that. Over and over, he simply said it was entirely his fault. He explained that shifting the book’s genre to memoir would make the story more inspiring and thus increase sales. Once the book took off and was chosen for Oprah’s book club, things had spun out of control and there was no turning back. But all of that, he said, was on him.

Oprah, for her part, also expressed regret. She acknowledged the criticism she received after that show, that people said she judged him too harshly. Now, looking back, she said what people saw that day was a lack of compassion, for which she apologized to Frey. Also impressive.

I love stories of redemption. But more than that, I love stories where people take responsibility for their behavior and try to make things right, especially if it leads to the repair of a relationship. It’s so simple, so obvious, yet so rare.

I am leaving for CME this week. Thank God....I do need a break from work. These past few days I been sick with a cold. I need to relax more

IT WAS 30 YEARS AGO ......(PRINCE WILLIAM WEDDING)

I remember Princess Diana wedding about 30 years ago. I was just kid. God...how time has pass by. I still remember that day...we used our VHS recorder to record the wedding.

I woke up 4:45 this morning and got to watch part of the wedding because I had to go to the city to see a doctor. I am happy for Prince William

MY BIRTHDAY

Today was my Birthday. I was surprise at work today...a medical assistant put up a banner saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY and later on in the morning...gave me like 50 cupcakes. I share the cupcakes with everyone in the clinic...they had to stop at my office...and wish me Happy Birthday. It really touch me alot. Today was a good day

JOURNAL

I saw TRON today...It was great...i remember watching the original when I was a kids. I just feel stressed out. I am not happy right now...

I am watching..."The Greatest Story Ever Told" and I wish I was like Jesus...i could give all my possession away and let go of EGO and save people. Give them the peace they want...and seek.

I want to try to form a company online, but I have no idea where to begin or how...even thought I had many books on how to start a business.

You can never tell what people are thinking and feeling unless they tell you, and usually they lie. you ask them, ‘Whats wrong?’ and they say ‘Nothing’. You accept this because it’s easier than digging for the truth. People smile when they want to cry, they laugh when they want to scream and shout. They pretend like nothing is wrong because they don’t want to face the truth. Things aren’t always rainbows and butterflies, sometimes you gotta scream and cry your anger and sadness to the world, because you can only hold it in for so long before something in you snaps. so when you want to cry, cry. When you want to scream, scream. Don’t hide behind fake smiles, it’s ok to not be alright.

JOURNAL/THOUGHTS: FREE CLINICS IN NEW YORK CITY

Free Clinics in New York City
The New York City Free Clinic
Sidney Hillman Health Center
16th East 16th Street, 3rd Floor
Manhattan, NY 10003
Saturday morning hours
An appointment is necessary
917-544-0735 (4-6 pm weekdays and 9-12 Saturday) or (212) 263-1001 (alternate #
between the hours of 4-6 PM weekdays)
Accepts uninsured and underserved

The Walton Free Clinic (ECHO Free Clinic)
Walton Family Health Center
1894 Walton Avenue, corner of Walton Avenue and 177th Street
Bronx, NY 10453
Saturday morning hours
Call 1-800-836-1316 to schedule an appointment or 718-583-3060
Walk-ins are accepted, but it is best to make an appointment
Accepts uninsured and underserved

Bronx Community Clinic
953 Southern Blvd.
Bronx, NY 10459
(718) 741-4900

Bedford Stuyvesant Family Health Center
1413 Fulton Street
Brooklyn, NY 11216
Phone: 718-636-4500
Brooklyn Community Clinic
1205 Sutter Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11208
Phone: 718-647-2600


Dental Health Clinic: NYU (New York University) Free Dental Clinic
Location: Manhattan at 345 East 24th Street (on the corner of First Avenue).
Tel: (212) 998-9800
Hours of operation: Monday through Thursday, 9 a.m. to 7 p.m., and Friday, 8:30 a.m. to
3 p.m.
Walk-in registration is available; emergency care available do not need an appointment;
Accept insurance.


2
Mental Health Free Clinic: Fieve Clinical Services, Inc.
226 East 79th Street New York, NY 10021
(212) 772-3570
Monday: 9:30 AM to 6:30 PM Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday: 9:30 AM to 6:00 PM
Friday: 10:00 AM to 4:00 PM
Free medical and psychological evaluations.
Websites: www.fieveclinical.com & www.depression-md.com

STD Clinics
Harlem
The clinics listed below are all located in the Harlem neighborhood. The doctors at theseclinics have been trained to work with teens and young adults. You can go to these clinics for a health check up or if you feel sick. All of the clinics listed offer urine screening tests for STDs (which means that the doctors find if you have gonorrhea or chlamydia without a full exam).

Helen B. Atkinson (HBA) Health Center
81 West 115th St.,(212) 426-0088
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday 9-5, Wednesday 10-6, Friday 9-1, Saturday 9-4

Sydenham
215 West 125th St., (212) 932-6500
Monday through Friday 8-8, Saturday 8-4
NYC DOH Adolescent STD Clinic
2238 Fifth Avenue,(212) 690-1760
Wednesday 1-5

Drew Hamilton Health Center
2698 Eight Avenue,
at 143rd St.
(212) 939-8950
Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday 8:30-5, Tuesday 11-7


The Young Men's Clinic
21 Audobon Avenue,
btw. 166th & 167th Streets
(212) 342-3201
Monday 4-8, Friday 1-5
3
Manhattan
•Central Harlem
2238 Fifth Avenue (137th Street)
New York, NY 10037
phone: 212-690-1760 - Call before attending
o STD Services & HIV Counseling and Testing:
Monday thru Friday — 8:30- 4:30
o Travel Information: #2 train to 135th Street

•East Harlem
158 East 115th Street (off Lexington Avenue)
New York, NY 10029
phone: 212-360-5962 - Call before attending
o STD Services:
Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday — 8:30-4:30
HIV Counseling & Testing
Monday thru Friday — 8:30-4:30
o Travel Information: #6 train to 116th Street

•Chelsea
303 Ninth Avenue (28th Street)
New York, NY 10001
phone: 212-239-1725 - Call before attending
o STD Services & HIV Counseling & Testing:
Monday thru Friday — 8:30- 4:30
Saturday — 9:00-2:00 P.M.
o Travel Information: C or E trains to 23rd Street or
#1 or #9 to 28th Street

•Riverside
160 West 100th Street (between Columbus/Amsterdam)
New York, NY 10025
phone: 212-865-7757 - Call before attending
o STD Services & HIV Counseling & Testing
Monday thru Friday — 8:30-4:30
o Travel Information: #1, #9, B, C, to 96th Street
Bronx

•Morrisania
1309 Fulton Avenue (E 169th Street off 3rd Ave)
Bronx, NY 10456
phone: 718-579-7714 - Call before attending
o STD Services & HIV Counseling & Testing:
Monday thru Friday — 8:00 A.M.-4:00
Saturday — 8:30 A.M.-1:30
o Travel Information: #55 or #15 bus to 169th Street/3rd Avenue
4
Staten Island

•Richmond
51 Stuyvesant Place (Wall Street)
St. George, NY
phone: 718-983-4515/ 4513 - Call before attending
o HIV Counseling/Testing:
Monday thru Friday — 8:30-4:30
STD Services:
Monday — 1:00-4:00
Thursday — 1:00-4:00
Brooklyn


•Crown Heights
1218 Prospect Place, 2nd Flr. (Troy Ave.)
Brooklyn, NY 11213
phone: 718-735-0580 - Call before attending
o STD Services & HIV Counseling & Testing:
Monday thru Friday — 8:30- 4:30
o Travel Information: #3, #4, A, or C trains to Utica Avenue

•Fort Greene
295 Flatbush Ave. Ext. 5th Flr.
Brooklyn, NY 11201
phone: 718- 643-4133 - Call before attending
o STD Services & HIV Counseling & Testing:
Monday thru Friday — 8:30-4:30
Saturday — 8:30-1:30
o Travel Information: #2, #3, #5 trains to Nevins Avenue
N, R, D trains to Dekalb Avenue

•Bedford-Stuyvesant
485 Troop Ave. - 1st Flr.
Brooklyn, NY 11221
phone: 718- 574-2482 - Call before attending
o HIV Counseling & Testing:
Monday thru Friday — 8:30-4:00
o Travel Information: C train to Throop Avenue

JOURNAL

So this past Wednesday...on Sept 1 I sign a contract on a home. I can't wait to move in. I will finally be a home owner. No more apartment. I will invite my parent over as soon as i move in.