My wife had a anembryonic pregnancy.She will have a miscarriage. I am so sad...I thought I was going to be a daddy, and I found out that i will not be one.
Blighted Ovum
Despite the fact that it is a fairly common complication, few people have heard of blighted ovum, also known as an anembryonic pregnancy. Simply put, a blighted ovum is when normal conception, implantation, and growth of the placenta happen but no fetus develops. A blighted ovum always ends in a miscarriage within the first trimester and is in fact the cause of 50% to 60% of all first trimester miscarriages. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done to prevent it.
What happens with Blighted Ovum?
Since the implanted egg is fertilized, it is natural to assume that everything should progress normally with the pregnancy. With a blighted ovum though, the body can detect that something is wrong with the fertilized egg and therefore stops developing it. It is your body's own way of ensuring you have a healthy pregnancy and baby.
While it is not known exactly what causes a blighted ovum, most experts believe that some sort of chromosomal abnormality with either the egg or the sperm prevents the normal development. However, this abnormality is not indicative of future problems. Although a blighted ovum is common, it usually happens no more than once. Therefore, your health care provider will not refer you for genetic testing. If you experience two or more consecutive miscarriages though, then you may be referred for genetic testing.
It is also possible to have a blighted ovum with a twin pregnancy. In this case, one of the fertilized eggs does not continue to develop while the other does. The blighted ovum does not affect the second fertilized egg.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
JOURNAL
Dear God,
This year made me value my healthy even more. The last few months...I had some medical problem and all the work up done showed nothing, Most likely it all due to stress, but i have nothing to really worry about. I am healthy. I have my parents and sisters, I have a job, I have an apartment in the city, I have my BMW car, I have saving, I am debt free, now a great smart phone. I have friends who love me and I have alot of love in my life. Thank you God for my blessing.
One regret was I didn't put any money in vanguard index fund in April, I thought the market would go down and stay down for a long time.
What I hope for the future: More health, my parents and sister (family still alive and prosper was well), I hope to sell my apartment in the city this year and buy a house in long Island, I want to be a daddy this new year for sure. I think I am going to see a therapist this year also to deal with my stress (I think it mostly from work, patients are just not nice anymore..this EMR shit is overwhelming and I am tired of seeing 35 patients or more everyday.)
I need to relax more and not get angry so quickly (anger managment?)
I wish everyone the best. And have A Happy New Year
This year made me value my healthy even more. The last few months...I had some medical problem and all the work up done showed nothing, Most likely it all due to stress, but i have nothing to really worry about. I am healthy. I have my parents and sisters, I have a job, I have an apartment in the city, I have my BMW car, I have saving, I am debt free, now a great smart phone. I have friends who love me and I have alot of love in my life. Thank you God for my blessing.
One regret was I didn't put any money in vanguard index fund in April, I thought the market would go down and stay down for a long time.
What I hope for the future: More health, my parents and sister (family still alive and prosper was well), I hope to sell my apartment in the city this year and buy a house in long Island, I want to be a daddy this new year for sure. I think I am going to see a therapist this year also to deal with my stress (I think it mostly from work, patients are just not nice anymore..this EMR shit is overwhelming and I am tired of seeing 35 patients or more everyday.)
I need to relax more and not get angry so quickly (anger managment?)
I wish everyone the best. And have A Happy New Year
Monday, October 26, 2009
JOURNAL
Dear God,
My MRI came back negative. Thank you for that. I went to the sleep study this weekend and that turn out to be negative. Thank you again.
God...I have a stalker and I need your help. She looked at my blog LESS THAN A WEEK and wanted me to stop the blog and just focus on her.... She thinks she is my beloved and i should drop everything and giver her all my attention. And get this...I have never met this girl. She think I have time to drop my job and everything and be in the phone for hours with her Who does she think she is ...the president? Seriously I am a busy person..do i have time to feed some pyscho 's ego. I think NOT. She think I am not a doctor and I am a fake. She think that I am making money off this blog which isn't true...I don't have any ad sense from google or anything else on my blog. It just get worse...she hates that people can call me from my blog. She says the movies are not mine....and she is correct...but the sites i get the from...like youtube or whatever allow you put the codes in your blog..my space..or whatever. She thinks i am a midget and short...FUNNY. She going to report to me to google because the picture that I put up are not mine...she need to look more at any blog ....almost every blog is using picture without copyright. She mention that she will get a lawyer. So let me ask you...does this sound like a rational normal woman... who found me less than a week? NO. Hey if she has all this time....Go For It. She even call me a criminal...what a joke She think my blog is dirty and nasty..Personally God, I think she is unstable. I told her to leave me alone and she doesn't. She think it is her job to protect the innocent.. from what? ....words....pictures.....
My MRI came back negative. Thank you for that. I went to the sleep study this weekend and that turn out to be negative. Thank you again.
God...I have a stalker and I need your help. She looked at my blog LESS THAN A WEEK and wanted me to stop the blog and just focus on her.... She thinks she is my beloved and i should drop everything and giver her all my attention. And get this...I have never met this girl. She think I have time to drop my job and everything and be in the phone for hours with her Who does she think she is ...the president? Seriously I am a busy person..do i have time to feed some pyscho 's ego. I think NOT. She think I am not a doctor and I am a fake. She think that I am making money off this blog which isn't true...I don't have any ad sense from google or anything else on my blog. It just get worse...she hates that people can call me from my blog. She says the movies are not mine....and she is correct...but the sites i get the from...like youtube or whatever allow you put the codes in your blog..my space..or whatever. She thinks i am a midget and short...FUNNY. She going to report to me to google because the picture that I put up are not mine...she need to look more at any blog ....almost every blog is using picture without copyright. She mention that she will get a lawyer. So let me ask you...does this sound like a rational normal woman... who found me less than a week? NO. Hey if she has all this time....Go For It. She even call me a criminal...what a joke She think my blog is dirty and nasty..Personally God, I think she is unstable. I told her to leave me alone and she doesn't. She think it is her job to protect the innocent.. from what? ....words....pictures.....
Monday, October 19, 2009
JOURNAL
Dear God,
I took my MRI on Sat. I realized during this period of being ill that my dad was right..."Everyone is out for their own self interest except for your family".
I feel so much better today, I feel like my old self. Thank you God for my family, my job, my health, my car.
My tooth hurt a bit..even after seeing the dentist a two weeks ago.
I am taking a sleep study test this Satur.
Had a crazy day at work today. I was over booked. A patient burst into my office after he was told on the phone first that I won't be able to see him today. The guy got into his car came to the clinic and passed my Medical assistant into my office. The guy went nuts...what is wrong with people? I have always respected doctor, teacher, police all my life. I decide to never treat the patient again.
I love you God.
I took my MRI on Sat. I realized during this period of being ill that my dad was right..."Everyone is out for their own self interest except for your family".
I feel so much better today, I feel like my old self. Thank you God for my family, my job, my health, my car.
My tooth hurt a bit..even after seeing the dentist a two weeks ago.
I am taking a sleep study test this Satur.
Had a crazy day at work today. I was over booked. A patient burst into my office after he was told on the phone first that I won't be able to see him today. The guy got into his car came to the clinic and passed my Medical assistant into my office. The guy went nuts...what is wrong with people? I have always respected doctor, teacher, police all my life. I decide to never treat the patient again.
I love you God.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
JOURNAL
ME: God, thank you for a wonderful day. I am getting a Scan done on my brain next week.Thank you for my health...my job...my family...my car...my apartment. I learn today it better to be silence a meeting. It's cold outside...my nose is stuff. I love you God...please help me
Saturday, July 18, 2009
JOURNAL:
There is something deeper in me..an underlying feeling, gut feeling at who I am. I am not enough and I am too much at the same time. Not rich enough, not smart enough, no handsome enough. This result in shame.
If I was a better person, whatever that means...life wouldn't be hard...right> I wouldn't have so many struggles. there would be less sorrow in my heart. Why do my days seem so unimportant, filled not with adventure, but with duties and demands? I feel unseen..and I feel uncertain. Aware of my deep failing...but the desire set deep in my heart seem like a luxury, granted only to those seem to have their act together.
I was brought up to believe that the heart is central...above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Because God know that our heart is core to who we are. It is the source of all our creativity, our courage, and our convictions. It is the fountainhead of my faith, my hope and of course...my love.
If I was a better person, whatever that means...life wouldn't be hard...right> I wouldn't have so many struggles. there would be less sorrow in my heart. Why do my days seem so unimportant, filled not with adventure, but with duties and demands? I feel unseen..and I feel uncertain. Aware of my deep failing...but the desire set deep in my heart seem like a luxury, granted only to those seem to have their act together.
I was brought up to believe that the heart is central...above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Because God know that our heart is core to who we are. It is the source of all our creativity, our courage, and our convictions. It is the fountainhead of my faith, my hope and of course...my love.
Friday, June 26, 2009
JOURNAL; MICHAEL JACKSON
I was on my way home yesterday and the radio was playing P.Y.T> Pretty Young Thing and I was singing in my car and then they play BAD. At this point I didn't know he was dead. When I got home and put on the T.V. I found out he was died. The news of Michael Jackson's death yesterday threw me off. At first I thought it was a rumor. But alas, no. I grew up with his music and have many favorite songs. Indeed, I consider him the King of Pop. His death was a big surprise,
Words are not even good enough to describe Michael Jackson. An almost impossible pill to swallow when an era of your life has ended and especially so abruptly. I am a huge advocate of true talent and having a purpose when one has such influential power. MJ was one of the very few who embodied those things. Michael IS the music video era and he IS the definitive example of a pop culture humanitarian icon who has single handedly influenced the entire world. But even though Michael’s gone, we still can remember his sacrifices as a child to give us the music we love and the talent that not one person can or ever will replace.I understand that last night, MTV played non-stop Michael Jackson videos (it better have, since the late entertainer made that network!
Like a lot of you, I imagine, my mind this afternoon keeps drifting back to childhood memories of Michael Jackson. So my memories start around the time of “The Wiz” and “Off the Wall.” I never did get enough of that album’s delirious dance numbers, pure exuberant joy on vinyl (though I felt a little uncomfortable when Michael got all choked up at the end of “She’s Out of My Life”).
Then “Thriller” came out and took over the world. I remember watching “The Making of Michael Jackson’s Thriller” on VHS over and over again one night at a church lock-in, staring with slack-jawed amazement each time they showed that clip of Michael when he first busted out the moonwalk on that Motown TV special. (Yup, MJ at a church lock-in. Remember when Michael Jackson was the sweet, good one your parents liked and Prince was the bad, filthy one? Boy, things change.)
It was all downhill from there, more or less. I enjoyed seeing some of the videos from “Bad” on MTV — “The Way You Make Me Feel” had a certain charm — but excessive plastic surgery had turned his handsome young face vaguely reptilian. The last time I paid any attention to his work was when he premiered the “Black or White” video on Fox before a “Simpsons” episode, choosing to follow his upbeat plea for racial unity with four minutes of inexplicable crotch-grabbing and car-smashing (the racist scrawls that provide some motivation to his actions in this version of the video were added digitally after the first airing). It was clear he was losing his grip on the public imagination, and maybe on reality, even if you tuned out the increasingly disturbing reports about his personal behavior. So that was pretty much it for Michael and me.
When Jackson announced that he was doing 10 shows — and eventually 50 — at London’s O2 arena a few months ago, my friends and I talked about how great it would be to finally see him live, but I could never imagine them actually happening. He so desperately wanted to get back to that “Thriller” level of fame and artistry, and there was no way the 50-year-old Michael, with years of rust and bad press and drug abuse and ill health and disappointing records behind him, was going to be able to pull it off. When the first shows were pushed back a few weeks ago, the doubts really started to build. In the end, it seems, he preferred to die rather than disappoint us.
Thank God we’ve still got the records and clips of those remarkable performances. As a human being, the guy was a mess. But as a musician, dancer and all-around performer, the dude was one in a billion. I’m glad I was around for Michael Jackson. Aren’t you? I think I’m going to go listen to “Off the Wall” now.
Words are not even good enough to describe Michael Jackson. An almost impossible pill to swallow when an era of your life has ended and especially so abruptly. I am a huge advocate of true talent and having a purpose when one has such influential power. MJ was one of the very few who embodied those things. Michael IS the music video era and he IS the definitive example of a pop culture humanitarian icon who has single handedly influenced the entire world. But even though Michael’s gone, we still can remember his sacrifices as a child to give us the music we love and the talent that not one person can or ever will replace.I understand that last night, MTV played non-stop Michael Jackson videos (it better have, since the late entertainer made that network!
Like a lot of you, I imagine, my mind this afternoon keeps drifting back to childhood memories of Michael Jackson. So my memories start around the time of “The Wiz” and “Off the Wall.” I never did get enough of that album’s delirious dance numbers, pure exuberant joy on vinyl (though I felt a little uncomfortable when Michael got all choked up at the end of “She’s Out of My Life”).
Then “Thriller” came out and took over the world. I remember watching “The Making of Michael Jackson’s Thriller” on VHS over and over again one night at a church lock-in, staring with slack-jawed amazement each time they showed that clip of Michael when he first busted out the moonwalk on that Motown TV special. (Yup, MJ at a church lock-in. Remember when Michael Jackson was the sweet, good one your parents liked and Prince was the bad, filthy one? Boy, things change.)
It was all downhill from there, more or less. I enjoyed seeing some of the videos from “Bad” on MTV — “The Way You Make Me Feel” had a certain charm — but excessive plastic surgery had turned his handsome young face vaguely reptilian. The last time I paid any attention to his work was when he premiered the “Black or White” video on Fox before a “Simpsons” episode, choosing to follow his upbeat plea for racial unity with four minutes of inexplicable crotch-grabbing and car-smashing (the racist scrawls that provide some motivation to his actions in this version of the video were added digitally after the first airing). It was clear he was losing his grip on the public imagination, and maybe on reality, even if you tuned out the increasingly disturbing reports about his personal behavior. So that was pretty much it for Michael and me.
When Jackson announced that he was doing 10 shows — and eventually 50 — at London’s O2 arena a few months ago, my friends and I talked about how great it would be to finally see him live, but I could never imagine them actually happening. He so desperately wanted to get back to that “Thriller” level of fame and artistry, and there was no way the 50-year-old Michael, with years of rust and bad press and drug abuse and ill health and disappointing records behind him, was going to be able to pull it off. When the first shows were pushed back a few weeks ago, the doubts really started to build. In the end, it seems, he preferred to die rather than disappoint us.
Thank God we’ve still got the records and clips of those remarkable performances. As a human being, the guy was a mess. But as a musician, dancer and all-around performer, the dude was one in a billion. I’m glad I was around for Michael Jackson. Aren’t you? I think I’m going to go listen to “Off the Wall” now.
AE Houseman captured the transitory nature of fame in his poemTo an athlete dying young.
The time you won your town the race
We chaired you through the market-place;
Man and boy stood cheering by,
And home we brought you shoulder-high.To-day, the road all runners come,
Shoulder-high we bring you home,
And set you at your threshold down,
Townsman of a stiller town.Smart lad, to slip betimes away
From fields where glory does not stay
And early though the laurel grows
It withers quicker than the rose.
Jackson was quoted by TMZ as saying, Jackson was “looking forward to doing a lot of great things. … I think the best is yet to come in my true humble opinion.” Maybe this was the best he could hope for. No slow decay of rented cars or mocking stares but the gentle hands of family and friends.
Eyes the shady night has shut
Cannot see the record cut,
And silence sounds no worse than cheers
After earth has stopped the ears.
In the weeks before his death, we might have said we didn't know how we felt about Michael Jackson. He'd become so bizarre, so pale, so foreign and different from the musical genius some of us once worshipped. We thought that we hardly thought about him, except perhaps as a punch line. We felt that we felt nothing. But when news of Jackson's death broke yesterday, it turned out that we were wrong. Fans and unfans alike, all around the world, all felt something, and sometimes very deeply.
I am still in shock with Michael Jackson sudden death. Off The Wall was the second LP I ever brought. I remember playing the LP. I remember all his video. I was his biggest fan. When I was a teenager, I was obsess with him. He was amazing...but changed after his Bad album.
Honestly, who could not see this coming with the many cries for help along the years that Michael Jackson put forth? Does anyone think that such behavior is normal, even from Michael? Sadly, with all the abuse to his body and the drugs, no one was able to step in and intervene to help this poor lost soul. Those around him did not help, they appeared to have made matters worse. In the end, another generation has a talented entertainer that defined the late 70’s and 80’s die too young.
-he spent money he didn't have
-he keep asking for problems when he continue allowing kids sleep in his bed.
-taking drugs
-married his second wife....who he didn't really love. She was just a baby machine.
I feel sorry for him. I do blame his father who mess him up. Father hitting him. I am crying for the inner child in him. But I love his music.
Brian Oxman, Jackson family spokesman and attorney, reacted to the tragic news of Michael Jackson's death on CNN. He said he was "stunned" and that he cried with the family. He also said that the people surrounding Michael were "enabling him" and that he "warned" the family that Michael may have been abusing prescription drugs.And he had too many millions of dollars for anyone around him to ever say "Michael-- you idiot--a what are you doing?" His family deserves most of the blame. Noones ever heard of an intervention??
Personally, I think we will find out that the doctor who was with him and gave me the dermerol injection was the one who killed him.
Honestly, who could not see this coming with the many cries for help along the years that Michael Jackson put forth? Does anyone think that such behavior is normal, even from Michael? Sadly, with all the abuse to his body and the drugs, no one was able to step in and intervene to help this poor lost soul. Those around him did not help, they appeared to have made matters worse. In the end, another generation has a talented entertainer that defined the late 70’s and 80’s die too young.
Friday, February 1, 2008
REVIEW: MY PER SE FOOD REVIEW
Per Se
10 Columbus Cir, 4th Fl
New York, NY 10019-1158
Phone: (212) 823-9335
Per se restaurant in the Time Warner Center. Per Se did not disappoint. Whilst I truly feel that no meal is worth almost a Grand, the experience was something we'll never forget..Each person is served at the exact same time The service and presentation were both phenomenal.You will get the $275 prix fixe menu, because there is no other choice. Some of the entree add on made the $275 go up to $375 per person.. It comes with 9 courses and it took about 5 hours to dine (.Tip: Please do not go here with strangers, it's a looong meal to be savored) The wine list is very expensive so expect even a low end bottle to be over $100. The menu is always changing everyday. There are only 14 table total in the resturant. The only bad thing was the view. I thought I would see the Columbus Circle...but you can only see the park.
The food is excellent--- examples:Amuse bouche of an ice cream cone topped with a salmon mousse & creme fraiche inside, pearl tapioca with oysters & topped with caviar, an egg shell that contained a black truffle like gravy & a custard on the bottom and inside of this mix a chip made of chive. Next I chose a corn polenta & she chose foie gras. Fish: a crispy skin fillet of royal dorade with radishes & pistachio butter & nicose olive oil. That dish was okay but the next bit of seafood was magnificent - butter poached novia scotia lobster with chesnut ravioli & brown butter emulsion. Meat: pan rosted breast of farmers quail-the quail skin was a little rubbery for our taste. Second was a rib-eye of veal served with lentils & pearl onions in a veal sauce. It was a very good, substantial piece of meat cooked perfectly pink. Dessert was also good. The service was all timely & refined. As we left & they gave us a bag with cookies for the next day -
10 Columbus Cir, 4th Fl
New York, NY 10019-1158
Phone: (212) 823-9335
Per se restaurant in the Time Warner Center. Per Se did not disappoint. Whilst I truly feel that no meal is worth almost a Grand, the experience was something we'll never forget..Each person is served at the exact same time The service and presentation were both phenomenal.You will get the $275 prix fixe menu, because there is no other choice. Some of the entree add on made the $275 go up to $375 per person.. It comes with 9 courses and it took about 5 hours to dine (.Tip: Please do not go here with strangers, it's a looong meal to be savored) The wine list is very expensive so expect even a low end bottle to be over $100. The menu is always changing everyday. There are only 14 table total in the resturant. The only bad thing was the view. I thought I would see the Columbus Circle...but you can only see the park.
The food is excellent--- examples:Amuse bouche of an ice cream cone topped with a salmon mousse & creme fraiche inside, pearl tapioca with oysters & topped with caviar, an egg shell that contained a black truffle like gravy & a custard on the bottom and inside of this mix a chip made of chive. Next I chose a corn polenta & she chose foie gras. Fish: a crispy skin fillet of royal dorade with radishes & pistachio butter & nicose olive oil. That dish was okay but the next bit of seafood was magnificent - butter poached novia scotia lobster with chesnut ravioli & brown butter emulsion. Meat: pan rosted breast of farmers quail-the quail skin was a little rubbery for our taste. Second was a rib-eye of veal served with lentils & pearl onions in a veal sauce. It was a very good, substantial piece of meat cooked perfectly pink. Dessert was also good. The service was all timely & refined. As we left & they gave us a bag with cookies for the next day -
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
JOURNAL: I GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS
This year has been an amazing year. I am blessed. I have the apartment I want in the city. I have the car I always wanted. I am married to a beautiful and compassionate woman. I have my family. I have my health. I have a great job. Everything now is extra.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
JOURNAL: I GOT ENGAGED IN CENTRAL PARK TODAY
Today I proposed to my girlfriend in Central Park. I got down on my knee and ask her to marry me. I didn't feel nervous or scared. There was no voice in my head of fear or anything. I felt peace. I felt I was doing the right thing. I am so happy and blessed. People around us clapped and wanted to take picture of us. Thank you God for this day. After she said yes, we took a boat and row near the boat house in Central Park. We held hand and pray to God for a good fortune.
I want to lie with you in green pastures,
Swim with you in fresh, blue water.
I want to hold you until all times end,
I want to know you forever and be your friend.
Love me will you, this I ask,
Open up to me,
Kiss me, love me, my love for you never dies
Like a candle that never goes out,
My love for you burns on and on.
Please say yes as I ask you this,
Sweet angel of God, pure precious dove,
Will you marry me my Love?
Will youI want to share my life
Will you come and live with me
And be forever my wife
I want to be your husband
And have many children together
We will always share our dreams
And be there for each other
I want to grow old with you
As we share our happyness and love
I will care for you in sickness
And pray to God up above
So I am standing here believing
How happy we will be
As I give you this ring with a question
Will you Marry me?
Spanish: Te Casas Conmigo?
Esperanto Ĉu vi edziniĝus kun mi? (
Japanese: "watashito kekkon shite kuremasuka? "
Finnish: Haluatko naida minut?
German: Willst Du mich heiraten?
Italian: lo sposerete?
French: Veux-tu m'épouser?
Portuguese: Você casar-me-á?
Greek: Θα με παντρεψετε;
Danish: Vil du gifte dig med mig?
Russian: будешь ли ты моей женой?
I want to lie with you in green pastures,
Swim with you in fresh, blue water.
I want to hold you until all times end,
I want to know you forever and be your friend.
Love me will you, this I ask,
Open up to me,
Kiss me, love me, my love for you never dies
Like a candle that never goes out,
My love for you burns on and on.
Please say yes as I ask you this,
Sweet angel of God, pure precious dove,
Will you marry me my Love?
Will youI want to share my life
Will you come and live with me
And be forever my wife
I want to be your husband
And have many children together
We will always share our dreams
And be there for each other
I want to grow old with you
As we share our happyness and love
I will care for you in sickness
And pray to God up above
So I am standing here believing
How happy we will be
As I give you this ring with a question
Will you Marry me?
Spanish: Te Casas Conmigo?
Esperanto Ĉu vi edziniĝus kun mi? (
Japanese: "watashito kekkon shite kuremasuka? "
Finnish: Haluatko naida minut?
German: Willst Du mich heiraten?
Italian: lo sposerete?
French: Veux-tu m'épouser?
Portuguese: Você casar-me-á?
Greek: Θα με παντρεψετε;
Danish: Vil du gifte dig med mig?
Russian: будешь ли ты моей женой?
Sunday, June 17, 2007
JOURNAL: I WILL BE AWAY FOR ONE WEEK ON VACATION --FLORIDA
I will be away....God I need it. I am so burned out from work. I need this. I hope all of you a great week.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
JOURNAL
As I was looking at my photograph...i wonder is anyone ever alone. I sometimes feel alone. But our feelings aren't trustworthy. I look at my picture as a child, teenager..and now adult... I notice every form self I have left behind is a ghost. My body is no longer the body of a child. My thoughts, desires, fears, and hopes have changed. It would be terrible to walk with all the dead selves holding on. I have to let go. Even the self I am today is a ghost. So what does that teach me? That death has been with me every moment of my life. I have survived thousands of death every day as my old thoughts, my old cells, my old emotions,....and even my old identity passed away.
Sometimes my ghost seem real...as real as dreams. We are not the same person we were five, ten of fifteen years ago. Our personalities are constantly evolving, transforming, growing. What holds our ghost is memory. We continue to remember how the old life was. When we die.....the afterlife will become real and the physical world will become a dream. It's just a matter of perspective. When we are in a physical body...our perspective makes physicality real. When we are dreaming at might, the dream state become real. When we cross over.. both waking and dreaming are unreal. Consciousness is convinced by its own creations.
Sometimes my ghost seem real...as real as dreams. We are not the same person we were five, ten of fifteen years ago. Our personalities are constantly evolving, transforming, growing. What holds our ghost is memory. We continue to remember how the old life was. When we die.....the afterlife will become real and the physical world will become a dream. It's just a matter of perspective. When we are in a physical body...our perspective makes physicality real. When we are dreaming at might, the dream state become real. When we cross over.. both waking and dreaming are unreal. Consciousness is convinced by its own creations.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
JOURNAL: I BROUGHT AN ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT ON THE UPPER WEST SIDE
So this week... I brought an aparment in the upper west side. I can't believe it. Within 6 month I brought my X3 BMW and one bedroom apartment. It is one of the biggest commitment I have ever made in my life...but i am excited about it. I have a great view with my apartment. This was many years in the coming. I sacrificed alot and saved as much as i could for this. It seem that this year will be even better than last year for me. I am on the right track with my life. One thing is still missing.....love....a wife and partner. I still have hope that by the end of year...i will at least get enagaged. This is the biggest purchase I have ever did. Presently I am broke now.....I can't go anywhere...or buy anything really big. But within a few month I will have some saving. I can't believe how quickly things can change.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
THOUGHTS: IF IT'S THE LAST GOOD BYE **MARIA BREAKUP***
Everybody's got something they had to LEAVE behind
One REGRET from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use LOOKING back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find WAYS to let you know
Even though I PRETEND that I've MOVED on
You'll ALWAYS be my BABY
I never found the WORDS to say
You're the one I THINK about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A PART of me will always be with you
Somewhere in my MEMORY
I've LOST all my FEELINGS
And so my road can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
You'll always be the dream that fills my HEAD
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never FORGET
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say GOODBYE
On Sunday night, I suddenly woke up from my sleep due the stress in me. I couldn't breathe properly and started sweat profusely.Alot of things went through my mind at that point of time. I still have so many things on hand that are going to due for deadlines! I am like oh so dead.The whole thing is draining me emotionally. Do you know hard it is to see you for just a few days and then have you ripped away when I am most happy? Do you realize how difficult the following weeks are for me after you leave, trying to get back to some normal semblance of my life, As much as I want to see you and be with you, it's killing me this way. I can't just have you around a little here and there. I need something consistent....do you understand my hungry for you?
I can't deal with a compromise. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Do you know how that feels, to wake up and long for the touch of somebody you know won't be there? To want to race home after work and share my day only to find an empty room and nobody to share it with? I miss our phone calls at night. I can't do it. I thought I'd be stronger but I'm not. Not when it comes to you.
Now we do what we always said we would do – move on. Slowly wean ourselves off each other. Which i don't want. You told me I am strong and that I will get over you....you are so mistaken.It's so weird it is ending like this. Every woman I have dated, every woman I ever called my girlfriend, ended because she wasn't kind or a liar or too much of something I didn't like. There's none of that with you. That's why it's so…hard. I wish you put me in at ease, even now, when it's all falling apart like I did for you when you were falling apart,...but you don't care. You don't want to see the pain and destruction you left behind....maybe that is why you dump on the phone rather than person. It was easier for you to do that.I had seen a different and unknown side of her. The only thing i dream about is you holding me and finally telling me you love me. Ii think of telling her, but i know if i tell you how bad my heart hurts just thinking about life without you, youll just get weirded out and stop talking to me....which you did. i would never live down baring my soul for you if you rejected me. i hate this
I am just going through the motions. My life has become very passionless, this is so disheartening. If anything sparks something in me though, I'm going to run with it. I just feel like I'm pushing through, running in water. All of my dreams are stressful and are direct mainfestations of how unfulfilled and unstimulated I am feeling lately. It has become physically impossible for me to get a decent night's sleep because of these stressful dreams. I wake up hourly. This is just very bizarre for me. I have honestly never felt like this, at least so consistently. My days are completely void of any sort of joy of any degree. I never really knew that anyone could continuously live like this, but it seems that I am.
I mainly just feel nothing - not apathy, because apathy to some extent is a mode of being, not necessarily outright sad because it's not a sharp sadness - I just mainly feel shut down, numb. On some level I am aware of this, and part of me feels terrified and frantically trying to figure out how to change this, while another part of me has seemingly accepted that this is what it is - just my new way of living. this is completely twilight zone times for me.
The only real emotion or feeling that occasionally breaks through the emptiness is the most intense longing for another person that I've ever experienced. Ok, so it happens more than I'd like to acknowledge. When it hits, it can be a staggering blow. Realizing just how intensely in love with someone you are after they've left and are living a whole new life without you, and you're trying to convince yourself that they are undoubtedly moving on, you will never be an integral part in their life again, and they will grow beyond you to the point where you are just some sad relic is definitely enough to make a person close up emotional shop for a while. I think sometimes if I could just get out of here, if I could just meet new people, if I could just do something new... I know that I can't deny how much of it is because of the lack of my best friend, amazing lover, ultimate accessory, fellow conoisseur of the good life, and comforting and
fulfilling companionship. I think Maria presence intensified the good, and could negate the ill for me.
I hope that sometime soon I get my foothold and can pick back up with being my normal self again. My coping mechanisms aren't honed so well now. I feel weak and uncertain and this is not how I know myself, and not how I would like to see myself. I guess the only thing I can do is
keep pushing through, keep going through the motions, and sometime I suppose I'll start feeling alive again.Regret. The word that i'm afraid of the most. It is worse than being haunted by ghost. It is an emotion that won't let u off and rational thinking can't solve.
Everything's been said and done and I'm still here
I'm here dazed and confused with what's going on in this world...
you can't see the dreams I've made for you,
Oh and I can't imagine a life without you..
Are you still there my love?
I can no longer see you, could no longer grasp you..
Is there a way to get to you?
coz I can't imagine life when you're gone...
I can't imagine life without you...
Hold your soul open for my welcoming.
Let the quiet of your spirit bathe me
With its clear and rippled coolness,
That, loose-limbed and weary, I find rest,
Outstretched upon your peace, as on a bed of ivory.
Let the flickering flame of your soul play all about me,
That into my limbs may come the keenness of fire,
The life and joy of tongues of flame,
And, going out from you, tightly strung and in tune,
I may rouse the blear-eyed world,
And pour into it the beauty which you have begotten
heart:
Once loved, Once broken,
Once torn, Once taken, Once trusted,
Once exposed, Once opened, Never closed....
Some days are worse than others.
Sometimes I can't catch my breathe,
I can't hold back the tears any longer,
I can't stop the pain in my heart from missing you,
I can't stop my mind from thinking about you.
Even now after everything, I can't imagine life without you in it.
I can't picture myself waking up next to anyone else but you.
I miss holding you every morning and waking you up with my kisses.
I miss the sound of your voice in the dark as you tell me you love me
every night.
Everyday I still pray to God that you are safe,
That you will find your way and be successful in everything you do,
That you will find your true love and happiness,
And that I will stop loving you as much as I still do.
Romance is dead, yet i'm trying to live its dream. Oh why do I live in death?Moving on with life without you being in front of my eyes has just become the harshest ever punishment. Happiness hurts. The enormity of which i need not tell you. Just feels like asking for more pain.... just pain.. you're a piece of puzzle in my life . without you, everything is impossible. Here i am again. after a being deprived of what at one time was my sole comfort when i needed to just talk about the simplest and the most complex things that could possibly occur inside my small little head.
How you void me of inspiration. How you heal me and then un-heal me. how the days go by slowly. And my life seems stationary. I don't belong here. And I don't belong to you anymore. But I still feel you pulling at my heart. You left me when I was at my worst. And someone cursed me. And all I can feel is this breeze and I pretend to be fine when people look at me trying to search for a sign of weakness. But days go by and here I am.
I want to sing you're a lazy lullaby and see you fall asleep on you bed. I want to strum on a guitar and see your body move gently while you breathe. I wish I could kiss you while you sleep and walk with you in your dreams. And days go by and I used to think that I could never not think about you. And I'm thinking about you now. You make every word sound like a whisper and make every sentence seem like a word. You make music my food. I know I tremble under your finger tips. Your kisses once pulled at my skin. And you bring out the worst in me. Someone must have cursed me. Days go by and I never thought I would feel this cold in this bitterness. And I'm frozen.
I feel like this must end. Days would go by and I thought I could never live my life without you. But here I am. Living without you. And someone inside me wants to stop breathing
One REGRET from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use LOOKING back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find WAYS to let you know
Even though I PRETEND that I've MOVED on
You'll ALWAYS be my BABY
I never found the WORDS to say
You're the one I THINK about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A PART of me will always be with you
Somewhere in my MEMORY
I've LOST all my FEELINGS
And so my road can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
You'll always be the dream that fills my HEAD
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never FORGET
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say GOODBYE
On Sunday night, I suddenly woke up from my sleep due the stress in me. I couldn't breathe properly and started sweat profusely.Alot of things went through my mind at that point of time. I still have so many things on hand that are going to due for deadlines! I am like oh so dead.The whole thing is draining me emotionally. Do you know hard it is to see you for just a few days and then have you ripped away when I am most happy? Do you realize how difficult the following weeks are for me after you leave, trying to get back to some normal semblance of my life, As much as I want to see you and be with you, it's killing me this way. I can't just have you around a little here and there. I need something consistent....do you understand my hungry for you?
I can't deal with a compromise. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Do you know how that feels, to wake up and long for the touch of somebody you know won't be there? To want to race home after work and share my day only to find an empty room and nobody to share it with? I miss our phone calls at night. I can't do it. I thought I'd be stronger but I'm not. Not when it comes to you.
Now we do what we always said we would do – move on. Slowly wean ourselves off each other. Which i don't want. You told me I am strong and that I will get over you....you are so mistaken.It's so weird it is ending like this. Every woman I have dated, every woman I ever called my girlfriend, ended because she wasn't kind or a liar or too much of something I didn't like. There's none of that with you. That's why it's so…hard. I wish you put me in at ease, even now, when it's all falling apart like I did for you when you were falling apart,...but you don't care. You don't want to see the pain and destruction you left behind....maybe that is why you dump on the phone rather than person. It was easier for you to do that.I had seen a different and unknown side of her. The only thing i dream about is you holding me and finally telling me you love me. Ii think of telling her, but i know if i tell you how bad my heart hurts just thinking about life without you, youll just get weirded out and stop talking to me....which you did. i would never live down baring my soul for you if you rejected me. i hate this
I am just going through the motions. My life has become very passionless, this is so disheartening. If anything sparks something in me though, I'm going to run with it. I just feel like I'm pushing through, running in water. All of my dreams are stressful and are direct mainfestations of how unfulfilled and unstimulated I am feeling lately. It has become physically impossible for me to get a decent night's sleep because of these stressful dreams. I wake up hourly. This is just very bizarre for me. I have honestly never felt like this, at least so consistently. My days are completely void of any sort of joy of any degree. I never really knew that anyone could continuously live like this, but it seems that I am.
I mainly just feel nothing - not apathy, because apathy to some extent is a mode of being, not necessarily outright sad because it's not a sharp sadness - I just mainly feel shut down, numb. On some level I am aware of this, and part of me feels terrified and frantically trying to figure out how to change this, while another part of me has seemingly accepted that this is what it is - just my new way of living. this is completely twilight zone times for me.
The only real emotion or feeling that occasionally breaks through the emptiness is the most intense longing for another person that I've ever experienced. Ok, so it happens more than I'd like to acknowledge. When it hits, it can be a staggering blow. Realizing just how intensely in love with someone you are after they've left and are living a whole new life without you, and you're trying to convince yourself that they are undoubtedly moving on, you will never be an integral part in their life again, and they will grow beyond you to the point where you are just some sad relic is definitely enough to make a person close up emotional shop for a while. I think sometimes if I could just get out of here, if I could just meet new people, if I could just do something new... I know that I can't deny how much of it is because of the lack of my best friend, amazing lover, ultimate accessory, fellow conoisseur of the good life, and comforting and
fulfilling companionship. I think Maria presence intensified the good, and could negate the ill for me.
I hope that sometime soon I get my foothold and can pick back up with being my normal self again. My coping mechanisms aren't honed so well now. I feel weak and uncertain and this is not how I know myself, and not how I would like to see myself. I guess the only thing I can do is
keep pushing through, keep going through the motions, and sometime I suppose I'll start feeling alive again.Regret. The word that i'm afraid of the most. It is worse than being haunted by ghost. It is an emotion that won't let u off and rational thinking can't solve.
Everything's been said and done and I'm still here
I'm here dazed and confused with what's going on in this world...
you can't see the dreams I've made for you,
Oh and I can't imagine a life without you..
Are you still there my love?
I can no longer see you, could no longer grasp you..
Is there a way to get to you?
coz I can't imagine life when you're gone...
I can't imagine life without you...
Hold your soul open for my welcoming.
Let the quiet of your spirit bathe me
With its clear and rippled coolness,
That, loose-limbed and weary, I find rest,
Outstretched upon your peace, as on a bed of ivory.
Let the flickering flame of your soul play all about me,
That into my limbs may come the keenness of fire,
The life and joy of tongues of flame,
And, going out from you, tightly strung and in tune,
I may rouse the blear-eyed world,
And pour into it the beauty which you have begotten
heart:
Once loved, Once broken,
Once torn, Once taken, Once trusted,
Once exposed, Once opened, Never closed....
Some days are worse than others.
Sometimes I can't catch my breathe,
I can't hold back the tears any longer,
I can't stop the pain in my heart from missing you,
I can't stop my mind from thinking about you.
Even now after everything, I can't imagine life without you in it.
I can't picture myself waking up next to anyone else but you.
I miss holding you every morning and waking you up with my kisses.
I miss the sound of your voice in the dark as you tell me you love me
every night.
Everyday I still pray to God that you are safe,
That you will find your way and be successful in everything you do,
That you will find your true love and happiness,
And that I will stop loving you as much as I still do.
Romance is dead, yet i'm trying to live its dream. Oh why do I live in death?Moving on with life without you being in front of my eyes has just become the harshest ever punishment. Happiness hurts. The enormity of which i need not tell you. Just feels like asking for more pain.... just pain.. you're a piece of puzzle in my life . without you, everything is impossible. Here i am again. after a being deprived of what at one time was my sole comfort when i needed to just talk about the simplest and the most complex things that could possibly occur inside my small little head.
How you void me of inspiration. How you heal me and then un-heal me. how the days go by slowly. And my life seems stationary. I don't belong here. And I don't belong to you anymore. But I still feel you pulling at my heart. You left me when I was at my worst. And someone cursed me. And all I can feel is this breeze and I pretend to be fine when people look at me trying to search for a sign of weakness. But days go by and here I am.
I want to sing you're a lazy lullaby and see you fall asleep on you bed. I want to strum on a guitar and see your body move gently while you breathe. I wish I could kiss you while you sleep and walk with you in your dreams. And days go by and I used to think that I could never not think about you. And I'm thinking about you now. You make every word sound like a whisper and make every sentence seem like a word. You make music my food. I know I tremble under your finger tips. Your kisses once pulled at my skin. And you bring out the worst in me. Someone must have cursed me. Days go by and I never thought I would feel this cold in this bitterness. And I'm frozen.
I feel like this must end. Days would go by and I thought I could never live my life without you. But here I am. Living without you. And someone inside me wants to stop breathing
THOUGHTS: IF IT'S THE LAST GOOD BYE (MARCH 12, 2006) **MARIA BREAKUP***
In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’
Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna , just ’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now.
PART II
Life without you is like living without oxygen,
Devoid of pleasure, comfort and smile;
Hence, here is a tribute to all that you've given,
Because of you, my life had been worthwhile.
Love is the quality that keeps our passions burning,
Nature is the gift of beauty from the one above;
Seared in memory is the tender soul of a being,
So warm and radiant, like roses and sweet love.
There is a place in this world we all know of,
A place to bury ourselves in timelessness;
In you I felt some kind of bliss that's soft,
Like the feathers of the birds oh so harmonious.
Sunny and clear or cold and bitter,
You seldom expressed your exhaustion from burden;
But it doesn't matter now even that you're not here,
For as long as you're cherished you will never be forgotten
I have always been the one to cry during movies or at weddings. Crying and open displays of vulnerability. After a lot of introspection and years of intensive self therapy, I have realised a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and having been raised in a family where I was my own source of solace and comfort. My parents raised me as best they could and to the best of their knowledge. There were no child-rearing handbooks at that time and some of the techniques of discipline which they dispensed would nowadays be looked upon with disdain. I love my parents deeply, but the emotional scars still run deep and it is a journey on my part to rid myself of the damage and pain that still resides in me. I am working towards that goal, and part of the journey is realising that I still associate feeling and emotional availability to vulnerability and to a difficult past. Over the years and over time, you build up a protective wall, and unchecked, that wall becomes menacing and prevents you from getting inside yourself. I have also realised that the pain and sorrow that we keep in ourselves become insidious and malignant, seeping into different aspects of your life without you even realising it. Like a cancer, it overtakes you and soon you lose site of the good and beautiful things that exist around you. And those walls were broken down my Joanne, Melissa, and Maria.
Yesterday after Maria called me the night before I suddenly became acutely aware of my surroundings and where I was in my life. My personal history, my childhood, my job, my relationship and my future all loomed over me and it was overwhelming and I experienced a panic attack. I became dizzy and nauseous. My heart was racing and my breathing was laboured and I began to feel waves of emotions that I had never felt before.I called my sister up and she took hold of me and helping me breathe and telling me to relax and to let things go. She responded with such kindness and compassion, and suddenly the floodgates opened and I began to feel things that I had never allowed myself to feel before. I began to cry.
But it was no ordinary cry, for it was no ordinary moment.
The years of untouched emotional sediment began to come undone and the emotional sludge began to loosen. So much pain. So much hurt. So much unacknowledged emotional baggage began to release itself. The pain coursed through my body and I responded viscerally. My Soul began to weep and sob and I remember sobbing and screaming that it "hurts so much", and Maria had someone how touch a core in me. My sister telling me to "Let it Go". I released with such ferocity that my body convulsed and every ounce of energy that I had put into keeping that wall up, was let go.
Twenty or thirty minutes later the sobbing stopped and quiet fell in my exhaustion. I could barely move and the weight of my body pulled me into a deep sleep. Realising that a large part of that emotional barrier had been removed, was profoundly intimate and calming. I went to sleep early last night. When I woke the following morning, I felt different. There was a new sense of understanding in the knowledge that I HAD acknowledged my past and present and that there was a future for me. For many years I was always aware of myself, but rarely did I ever Acknowledge myself.
Without sounding like a new-age nut, I feel different. Things are even brighter than they were and the sensation and touch of my new found spirit is exciting. I can't describe it intelligibly, but I suppose it can be likened to an archaelogical expedition, where you are in search of a long lost treasure. I have found that well of emotion that I have hidden for so long and am now beginning to make peace with it.
Though there times when i can actually post an entry and share whatever goes on my mind, but i preffered not to. I write about relationship and love and sex...and not really write about me...my writing is raw and scary. I am emotionally, physically and academically stressed. I feel danger, angst, paranoia, rejection and loneliness. But now i am ready. Ready to let the whole world know what i want them to know and what i want them to see. I am alone.
Now i know what my fear is. I fear losing people. I fear rejection. I fear being lonely. I am selfish, i know. I was never contented with my disposition in life...maybe that is why when I felt Maria wasn't into me enough...I felt like I had to talk her into spending more time with me..... like a saleperson...trying to sell myself...I went back to online dating. I felt one day she would leave me and she did. She didn't want to get married in one year but in two. She really didn't want to live in Long Island. She had driving issues with coming to see me. She had issues about being with her and her family. She had issues about me. She didn't want me at the end.She had family issues that effected her. She couldn't commit to me. When someone loves you...they want to be with you all the time. Yes..we did talk on the phone everyday, but I needed more. I felt so rejected.
Call me stupid for not being able to understand things. Call me immature for not taking your decisions in a matured way, i just can't. Call me selfish for not being able to let you go in my hands. Call me pathetic for not moving on life without you. Call me anything you want, but please never call me your "ex-friend".
I want to hate you, but i couldn't. I want you not to leave me, but i couldn't. I want to put things on where they used to be placed, but i couldn't. I want to pretend that i'm ok without you, but i couldn't.
I don't want you to see me in a pitiful state but if this is the only way for us not to drift away, then i will.
Please, don't say goodbye.
You've said your goodbyes, your farewells. But i never say mine, 'cause i don't want to drift away. Away from you, away from our bond and away from our love
Where is me? Isn't it unfair on my part making a desicion like this without me how and why this love will end. I knew your own reasons, but have heard mine? You never did. I understand.
Don't call yourselves "unworthy" for the love, you were. Don't call yourselves "not good enough", 'cause you were.
We are all selfish, admit it. That's why this "drifting" doesn't give much "ok-ness" on us.
You are selfish 'cause you wanted to search for your identity. You were selfish for having the decision without thinking (i'm not actually saying "without", but partially, i think) the consequences after the decision-making. I was hurt. I am hurt. She is hurt, i know. And you, i don't know if you were hurt or what, 'cause it's your decision, right?
You, you are selfish. I know you. You pretend that you are ok and things are ok. You pretend that you can leave alone thinking and thinking. But admit it that your "thinking" makes you realize how lonely you were. Loneliness, i know you hate it but you resist the idea, right? I am selfish for not moving on life without you. Selfish for making me feel that i'm not enough. I am selfish 'cause i don't want to suffer this feeling.
We are all selfish. But one should go down to fix things up.
Maria told me I should start a new life without her cos "you want me to be happy"...I try to be logical and tell myselft that it won't be forever, but that's not much comfort when I really need to touch you and kiss you and love you...Sometimes I close my eyes and hold a picture of you in my mind and imagine all the things I'd say if I had you here....but no matter how beautiful the picture is, it will never compare to the real thing, to looking into your eyes and whispering your name and kissing your lips...I miss her so much and I can't wait for the day when I can stop holding on to a daydream and start holding her in my arms again...forever but it won't happen
I wish I could go back in time...back to those unspoiled moments in our relationship....because if I could go back and start from those moments once more, I would hold you longer, never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me...and I would never, ever let you down...But I know we can't go back to those days. I know I can't wake up and find that it was just a dream (of losing you). I can't go back there again...I can't take away the pains....and I can't go back to the fearful days we both had...I can't go back and make it better for us.
Sometimes I find myself talking to you thoughout the day - imagining conversations we might be having...Sometimes I walk into a room, Barnes and Nobles ,Banana Repulic, and hope you will magically be there...and run to me and ease the emptiness I feel without you...Sometimes, no all the time, I miss you more than words can express...But more than that, always
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
I heard the words come out
I thought that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret I cry I don't want to lose you.
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry..
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
(c) Evanescence - Forgive Me
You know, when it rains, it pours
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’
Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna , just ’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now.
PART II
Life without you is like living without oxygen,
Devoid of pleasure, comfort and smile;
Hence, here is a tribute to all that you've given,
Because of you, my life had been worthwhile.
Love is the quality that keeps our passions burning,
Nature is the gift of beauty from the one above;
Seared in memory is the tender soul of a being,
So warm and radiant, like roses and sweet love.
There is a place in this world we all know of,
A place to bury ourselves in timelessness;
In you I felt some kind of bliss that's soft,
Like the feathers of the birds oh so harmonious.
Sunny and clear or cold and bitter,
You seldom expressed your exhaustion from burden;
But it doesn't matter now even that you're not here,
For as long as you're cherished you will never be forgotten
I have always been the one to cry during movies or at weddings. Crying and open displays of vulnerability. After a lot of introspection and years of intensive self therapy, I have realised a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and having been raised in a family where I was my own source of solace and comfort. My parents raised me as best they could and to the best of their knowledge. There were no child-rearing handbooks at that time and some of the techniques of discipline which they dispensed would nowadays be looked upon with disdain. I love my parents deeply, but the emotional scars still run deep and it is a journey on my part to rid myself of the damage and pain that still resides in me. I am working towards that goal, and part of the journey is realising that I still associate feeling and emotional availability to vulnerability and to a difficult past. Over the years and over time, you build up a protective wall, and unchecked, that wall becomes menacing and prevents you from getting inside yourself. I have also realised that the pain and sorrow that we keep in ourselves become insidious and malignant, seeping into different aspects of your life without you even realising it. Like a cancer, it overtakes you and soon you lose site of the good and beautiful things that exist around you. And those walls were broken down my Joanne, Melissa, and Maria.
Yesterday after Maria called me the night before I suddenly became acutely aware of my surroundings and where I was in my life. My personal history, my childhood, my job, my relationship and my future all loomed over me and it was overwhelming and I experienced a panic attack. I became dizzy and nauseous. My heart was racing and my breathing was laboured and I began to feel waves of emotions that I had never felt before.I called my sister up and she took hold of me and helping me breathe and telling me to relax and to let things go. She responded with such kindness and compassion, and suddenly the floodgates opened and I began to feel things that I had never allowed myself to feel before. I began to cry.
But it was no ordinary cry, for it was no ordinary moment.
The years of untouched emotional sediment began to come undone and the emotional sludge began to loosen. So much pain. So much hurt. So much unacknowledged emotional baggage began to release itself. The pain coursed through my body and I responded viscerally. My Soul began to weep and sob and I remember sobbing and screaming that it "hurts so much", and Maria had someone how touch a core in me. My sister telling me to "Let it Go". I released with such ferocity that my body convulsed and every ounce of energy that I had put into keeping that wall up, was let go.
Twenty or thirty minutes later the sobbing stopped and quiet fell in my exhaustion. I could barely move and the weight of my body pulled me into a deep sleep. Realising that a large part of that emotional barrier had been removed, was profoundly intimate and calming. I went to sleep early last night. When I woke the following morning, I felt different. There was a new sense of understanding in the knowledge that I HAD acknowledged my past and present and that there was a future for me. For many years I was always aware of myself, but rarely did I ever Acknowledge myself.
Without sounding like a new-age nut, I feel different. Things are even brighter than they were and the sensation and touch of my new found spirit is exciting. I can't describe it intelligibly, but I suppose it can be likened to an archaelogical expedition, where you are in search of a long lost treasure. I have found that well of emotion that I have hidden for so long and am now beginning to make peace with it.
Though there times when i can actually post an entry and share whatever goes on my mind, but i preffered not to. I write about relationship and love and sex...and not really write about me...my writing is raw and scary. I am emotionally, physically and academically stressed. I feel danger, angst, paranoia, rejection and loneliness. But now i am ready. Ready to let the whole world know what i want them to know and what i want them to see. I am alone.
Now i know what my fear is. I fear losing people. I fear rejection. I fear being lonely. I am selfish, i know. I was never contented with my disposition in life...maybe that is why when I felt Maria wasn't into me enough...I felt like I had to talk her into spending more time with me..... like a saleperson...trying to sell myself...I went back to online dating. I felt one day she would leave me and she did. She didn't want to get married in one year but in two. She really didn't want to live in Long Island. She had driving issues with coming to see me. She had issues about being with her and her family. She had issues about me. She didn't want me at the end.She had family issues that effected her. She couldn't commit to me. When someone loves you...they want to be with you all the time. Yes..we did talk on the phone everyday, but I needed more. I felt so rejected.
Call me stupid for not being able to understand things. Call me immature for not taking your decisions in a matured way, i just can't. Call me selfish for not being able to let you go in my hands. Call me pathetic for not moving on life without you. Call me anything you want, but please never call me your "ex-friend".
I want to hate you, but i couldn't. I want you not to leave me, but i couldn't. I want to put things on where they used to be placed, but i couldn't. I want to pretend that i'm ok without you, but i couldn't.
I don't want you to see me in a pitiful state but if this is the only way for us not to drift away, then i will.
Please, don't say goodbye.
You've said your goodbyes, your farewells. But i never say mine, 'cause i don't want to drift away. Away from you, away from our bond and away from our love
Where is me? Isn't it unfair on my part making a desicion like this without me how and why this love will end. I knew your own reasons, but have heard mine? You never did. I understand.
Don't call yourselves "unworthy" for the love, you were. Don't call yourselves "not good enough", 'cause you were.
We are all selfish, admit it. That's why this "drifting" doesn't give much "ok-ness" on us.
You are selfish 'cause you wanted to search for your identity. You were selfish for having the decision without thinking (i'm not actually saying "without", but partially, i think) the consequences after the decision-making. I was hurt. I am hurt. She is hurt, i know. And you, i don't know if you were hurt or what, 'cause it's your decision, right?
You, you are selfish. I know you. You pretend that you are ok and things are ok. You pretend that you can leave alone thinking and thinking. But admit it that your "thinking" makes you realize how lonely you were. Loneliness, i know you hate it but you resist the idea, right? I am selfish for not moving on life without you. Selfish for making me feel that i'm not enough. I am selfish 'cause i don't want to suffer this feeling.
We are all selfish. But one should go down to fix things up.
Maria told me I should start a new life without her cos "you want me to be happy"...I try to be logical and tell myselft that it won't be forever, but that's not much comfort when I really need to touch you and kiss you and love you...Sometimes I close my eyes and hold a picture of you in my mind and imagine all the things I'd say if I had you here....but no matter how beautiful the picture is, it will never compare to the real thing, to looking into your eyes and whispering your name and kissing your lips...I miss her so much and I can't wait for the day when I can stop holding on to a daydream and start holding her in my arms again...forever but it won't happen
I wish I could go back in time...back to those unspoiled moments in our relationship....because if I could go back and start from those moments once more, I would hold you longer, never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me...and I would never, ever let you down...But I know we can't go back to those days. I know I can't wake up and find that it was just a dream (of losing you). I can't go back there again...I can't take away the pains....and I can't go back to the fearful days we both had...I can't go back and make it better for us.
Sometimes I find myself talking to you thoughout the day - imagining conversations we might be having...Sometimes I walk into a room, Barnes and Nobles ,Banana Repulic, and hope you will magically be there...and run to me and ease the emptiness I feel without you...Sometimes, no all the time, I miss you more than words can express...But more than that, always
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
I heard the words come out
I thought that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret I cry I don't want to lose you.
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry..
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
(c) Evanescence - Forgive Me
You know, when it rains, it pours
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