DATING: SENDING OUT WORDS OF LOVE

Sending out words of love is like firing a coded message with a faulty transmitter, always unsure of how it would be received yet one nevertheless had to send, like the dandelion releasing numberless spores of which only a fraction would reproduce, a random, optimistic telecommunication effort - trust in the postal service. So I am sending out this message to the universe in hope that someone out there understand me and realize that I am the one for them. Perhaps it is true that the easiest people to fall in love with are those who tell us very little about themselves beyond what we can read from their face or voice. In fantasy, a person is endlessly, love-ably malleable And perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone there who can understand what we are saying, in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved

I have alot of people who swear by online dating. After all, they are in successful relationships because of online dating sites. My experience with online dating? Not so fairy tale-like. After trying on various free and paid online dating sites, I was beyond frustrated with the women I encountered there. It was like trying to push matching ends of a magnet together – the women I met shared my goal of finding some form of companionship, but all they ended up doing was repelling me by their less-than-flattering behavior.

The beauty about online dating is that you can list your deal-breakers in my profile. Some of mine include smoking, excessive drinking, wanting to have kids, living within 20 mile radius of me. I also mention that I don't believe in chemistry and I will not just met to pass some chemistry or physical attraction test or if you respond please leave your number. Where’s the mistake? Many woman I encountered ignored everything i wrote because they liked what they saw in my pictures. So I hence decided I will not sent anymore picture. The worst are when woman responding with their opinion and comments or well wishes which i never asked for.

A person should be able to put in their profile what they want.We all have a personal preference and a free will and different ways of doing thing.  If a person’s profile offends you then, clearly, they are not the one you are looking for. If I read a profile and see that someone doesn't like something, or has a different way of doing thing and isn't looking for someone like me, I MOVE ON. I don’t get offended. Preference is an individual choice. We don’t all drive the same type of car, live in the same type of house or buy the same type of laundry detergent. So… why do we have an issue about what another’s preference when it comes to dating/relationships?

I am usually never the one who initiated contact. But when someone initiates contact with me, I always assumed that they are serious about me and understand where I am coming from and will leave a number for me to get a hold of them..Most don't. Listen I know most women are reluctant to give out their numbers for several reasons, the most important of which is safety, or lack thereof. I have heard all the excuse ( The last thing a woman wants is to hand over an invitation for a stalker to jump on her bandwagon.) But if you even have the slight thought that  i am a serial killer or stalker then don't even respond to begin with

I do believe in the universe... and relationship are mirror image of who you are. I sent my energy or vibration through these words. Maybe this I why I haven't found her. I have choices all the time to meet a lot of woman and go out with them and have sex and lie and play games, but I don't. I really want someone like myself: attractive, intelligent, health conscious, have money, have asset, have parents who are still married, family that is close, don't drink, don't smoke, don't take drug, have no drama, have moral and home body. But I have to tell you...i barely can find two of the items I just mention,

My pessimism stems from just three problems with today’s modern, American woman:

1. “Never settle!”

2. The demand for instant chemistry

3. Extreme selfishness


“Never settle” must be met with “everyone settles”.

The demand for instant chemistry must be met with “stop thinking with your genitals”.

Selfishness must be met with “that’s for children, grow up.”

A few years ago, I went through a horrific break-up with my ex-wife. It tore my heart to shreds when I realized just how badly I had been betrayed and disrespected. I swore that if I ever seriously dated a woman again, it would only be with a quality woman. Otherwise, I would prefer no woman at all. The decision was absolutely clear to me, for life. Options in the dating market can be great if you are in it just to date randomly,while quantity in dating can be good, it often pales in comparison to quality.

Sometimes when you are single there is no worse feeling on earth than feeling alone and unloved especially when everyone around you seems to be attached, walking down the street hand in hand with their girl or sitting on the park bench kissing with her whilst you are stick out in the crowd being the only single person around, Here is how many singles see the world of relationships: “God created earth—that’s 199 million square miles, for the record. Then God created my soul mate and put her out there somewhere. My job is to find her, and God’s job seems to be to hide her from me for as long as physically possible. It is a delicate matter. If I sit at the wrong table during lunch, or do not keep my eyes constantly scanning, I might miss her. Destiny could slip between my fingers because I was careless. I’m prepared to exhaust myself until I find her.”

And then I remembered what Mother Teresa used to say of acceptance:“Every day we have to say yes. To be where God wants you to be. Total surrender: If he puts you in the street—if everything is taken from you and suddenly you find yourself in the street—to accept to be put in the street at that moment. . . . To accept whatever he gives and to give whatever he takes with a big smile. This is the surrender to God. To accept the people that come, the work that you happen to do. Today maybe you have a good meal and tomorrow maybe you have nothing. There is no water in the pump? All right. To accept, and to give whatever he takes. That’s the surrender. And you are free then.”

So right now I am embracing this season of singleness.Somewhere out there is my future wife but at this moment I just don't know where you are, the one thing i know for sure is that if I am looking for you then you must also be out there looking for me .Finding you is a matter of a process of elimination. Eventually you will read these words where other have ignored them and my words will resonate with you and you will know that I am the one.

Alot of people think that that more people they go out with, the better chance of them have of meeting Mr./Ms. Right. If that is what you believe then go ahead and do it. I have tried that and it left me with dating burnout. I prefer to met a one person who seem right "on paper" than dozens of people who sound "nice" but will never turn out to be a good match for me. Dating isn't a numbers game --I am looking for one lifelong partner, not 100 cups of coffee.

My approach is this. If you had enough of going on dates and wasting your time and want to finally settle down and have kids then maybe this is the reason you happen to find me today.We talk, we met and become a couple from day one. So the question is..can you falling in love with somebody you've never met'....but a better question is can a blind person fall in love? And the answer is YES!!...but alot of people believe that love is only legitimate if you’ve seen or been in the presence of the other person. However, they are mistaken..just watch the movies like- "You Got Mail", "Message In A Bottle", and "The Lake House". I do believe in the term the "one". The one emphasizes you are the one I choose to dedicate myself to even when I sometimes feel like there could have been another one.

The thing is that If I decide to met you..it means that you are special. I know what you are thinking right now,  "How will you get to know me before meeting me? "...you get to know me by talking to me and reading my blog. When I share something with you, it is like i am tossing a line from me to you and when you share something with me, it is like you are tossing a line from you to me. And when there are enough lines between us we have a bridge. And when we met..that bridge become our bond, If you come to me with doubt and mistrust..then I am not the one for you. If you think my approach is wrong...has your approach work? If it did...why are you here then?

Most people will interprets what I am saying as settling as just taking the person that comes along. The cold harsh truth is that we are always settling our entire lives. Each of us is one person on a planet of billions. Even insanely wealthy and powerful people have to settle. They still don’t get things exactly their way.Since no one gets EVERYTHING they want in a partner, then by definition, EVERYONE settles. Like everything else in life, relationships are about trade offs. What can I live with in order to get the things I can’t live without.

And my trade off is character, kindness, honesty, and respect for chemistry, selfishness. I am not going to lie. I can't be with someone who 250 pound, but it's not what you think. There are people who make absolutely no effort with their physical appearance yet expect their someone to see past the sloppy clothes and the extra 50 kg's and to recognize their inner beauty as they are "oh so lovable". If you don't take care of yourself and love yourself...how the hell will someone else love you? They can't.

I really don’t care about how funny or witty you are, or how good of a storyteller you are. Your stories don’t really interest me. I don’t care about all the “cool” things you have done or experiences you have had. I don’t care how smart you are. Whether you have the Book of Ecclesiastes memorized or you have studied quantum physics at MIT is of no moment to me at all.

Here’s what I care about:Do I like spending time with you? Are you nice to me? Are you helpful to me? Are you an asset to me? Do you fit in well with the way I live my life? Do you refrain from hassling me and nagging me? Are you smart with your money? Do you care about me and how I live? Can you cook? Can you manage money? Can you clean and take care of a house? Can you live on a budget? Can you solve problems at our house while I am away?

LOVE: WHEN WE MAKE LOVE

Each time I saw her smile, hope and joy rose up inside me I was reminded by her beauty, and by her gestures, which were so dear to me, and by her luminous skin, that the center of the world, the center to which I must travel, was at her side. What I wanted to say was, It is enough for me to sit beside her.When we were naked, finally, we were standing up, and then she had her hands on my back and she was kissing me....I was thinking: she can have every inch of me.. To have her here in bed with me, breathing on me, her hair in my mouth—I count that something of a miracle. Our lovemaking is so stormy and theatrical that we keep tearing into each other, I think we’re trying to find each other’s souls, knowing they must be in there somewhere, close to our undernourished hearts .I loved her body and I could never have enough of regarding it as a world in which I could wander and wander without fear. That sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer. At the heart of sex is something intrinsically spiritual, the desire for a union so primal it can be called divine and as the minutes passed I became acutely aware of her breathing—even, rhythmic—and soon found that my own had matched her tempo. How she could soothe me, without even trying, how we connected on this most basic frequency made my heart ache for something impossible...and then my soul saw you and it kind of went “Oh there you are. I’ve been looking for you.” So yes, we could kiss. I could kiss her and she would kiss me and we would collide, like atoms in some scientist’s wet dream. We could start a new universe together. We could mix like a disease. And if we do, I hope we never get better. It may have just been a moment to her, but it changed every single one that followed for me. She was the best parts of all the songs I love.I could feel her. Every part of her. Her soul was sewn to mine. Her heated blood flowed through my veins. ... There was no part of me that was not her. The only jewels she wanted was my eyes regarding her with admiration; the only necklace that of my breath on her skin as I kiss her throat; I want to go back to bed and get inside her. That’s the only time there’s anything approaching peace. She is closer to me than my skin—that’s how much she was a part of me. I did the simplest thing in the world. I leaned down…and kissed you. And the world cracked open. Our kisses delivered us beyond the pleasures of flesh and sexual bliss, for what we sensed beyond the moment of the springtime afternoon was as great and wide as Time itself. As the adjective is lost in the sentence, so I am lost in your eyes, ears, nose, and throat—you have enchanted me with a single kiss which can never be undone until the destruction of language.

It’s so hard to describe. It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like...gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her...You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother. Death would be a trivial event as long as I loved her. But before I had even quite realized that I was attracted to her—well, I knew I was because I wanted to be more like her than I was like myself— and I realized with a sort of shock what I wanted to do. Dear God, I wanted to put my hands on her.. I wanted to put a hand on her face or on her arm because I thought that if I did that, I would be so happy. I just wanted to feel her skin and I wanted to get at the soul underneath that muscle because I could smell it. Once someone has bound your heart, she’s the only person who can let it lose again. The first time her skin had touched me..the world had changed, grown warmer but also more expansive. I bury these things in my heart—the feel of her under my fingers, the taste of her on my mouth. I’ll need them, like talismans, to survive an impossible journey.I have a thousand images of you in an hour; all different and all coming back to the same … when you’re young, you think that sex is the culmination of intimacy. Later you discover that it’s barely the beginning. You see, I know what I mean when I say that I love you. I don’t have a problem about that. You’re the bit that was missing. The bit that makes me feel whole. And when I ain’t seen you for a while, I start feeling empty inside. And when I do see you, I get—I get this burst of excitement inside. And sometimes when you’re asleep next to me, I just lie there and I look at you. And I never get bored. That’s what I mean when I say I love you.

If you have sex with someone you care about there’s a good chance your heart will be crushed eventually. But why are you so afraid of having your heart crushed? It’s not anywhere close to the worst thing that can happen to you. It might feel like the worst thing for a while, but it’s not. Far worse is a sexless, loveless life ruled by fear, in other words, ..true intimacy isn’t a cluster fuck or a psychodrama. It isn’t the “highest highs and lowest lows.”  It’s a tiny bit of those things on occasion with a whole lot of everything else in between. It’s communion and mellow compatibility.Love lives not in places nor even bodies but in the spaces between them, the long and lovely sweep of air and sky, and in the living heart and memory until that is gone, too, and we are all of us wanderers, as we have always been upon the earth.

A million light years and a million more would not give time enough to store that small second of eternity when I took you in my arms and you took me in yours. You began to be irreplaceable for me long before I had ever heard of you.. Anyone who has ever experienced love knows that you can have too much love or two little. You can have love that parches, love that defeats. You can have love measured out in the wrong proportions. It’s like your sunlight and water—the wrong kind of love is just as likely to stifle hope as it is to nourish. it.  I don’t believe that in order to be interesting or meaningful, a relationship has to work out—in fiction or in real life. In fact, I consider a forced happy ending in a book almost as bad as a real couple who get married even though their friends know they shouldn’t. … Now, believe me, I love swelling music and kisses at sunset as much as the next person; when I was growing up, my family crowded around the TV to watch The Love Boat. But as I’ve gotten older, I realized that when it comes to love, it’s the journey that matters as much as the destination. And the messiness is part of what makes romance so fascinating in the first place. Movies and books lead us to believe that if a relationship doesn’t end in marriage, it didn’t count, but that’s absurd. Even unrequited crushes can provide hard-won insights into ourselves and our lives. I have come to be fascinated with the messiness of desire, of mitigating circumstances; with the ways people fit themselves together, take themselves apart for each other, for want of each other, of some parts of each other, be it companionship, be it great sex, be it brilliant insight or common sense.

Whether you’ve been in a relationship for ten years or ten weeks, you know how crazy love can make you. On any given day you’re insanely happy, maniacally miserable, kooky with contentment, or bonkers with boredom—and that’s in a good relationship. Why do you think we call it being “madly” in love? You have to be a little nuts to commit yourself, body and soul, to one other person—one wonderful, goofy, fallible person—in the hope that happily-ever-after really does exist. And yet we can’t help ourselves. We throw ourselves into love time and again, even though we know real-life love is no fairy tale. We stress out and make up and do it all over again—and why? Because nothing makes us feel more alive than the exhilaration and exasperation of everyday love. Real love can whirl you from the glory of ecstasy from the hell of misery and back again, but that’s just how it goes in real life, and aren’t we lucky to be part of that dance? Every relationship has at least one really good day. What I mean is, no matter how sour things go, there’s always that day. That day is always in your possession. That’s the day you remember. You get old and you think: well, at least I had that day. It happened once. You think all the variables might just line up again. But they don’t. Not always.


 

JOURNAL: MY DAD GOT A TRACHEOSTOMY AND PEG

Yesterday wasn't a good day. My dad got tracheostomy and a PEG. It was a tough decision, he been intubated three times already. 

Please continue to pray

POETRY: ONLY FATE AND TIME WILL TELL

The smile on your face
Lets me know that you love me
When you look into my eyes
You see down to my heart
You're a special person
Sent for a special purpose
You hold my hand
And I shudder at the memories
Thoughts of us loving each other
Binding together, becoming one
You complete me infinitely
I am nothing without you
If I were to be asked to do it over
I'd refuse, saying I'd rather have this day
Only this day with you forever
Than a thousand yesterdays
I've been asked about the future
But if I don't have you today
What do I care for tomorrow?


2


Together we have developed a love based on honesty,
loyalty, devotion, respect, and love. We have shared our hugs,
joined, blended, and then moved as one silently,
we have felt each other's needs and wants and wiped away
each other's tears along with understanding and love.
We have accepted and encouraged one another, respected,
each other's abilities, and delighted in each other's
accomplishments. Ours is a love without frills,
and garnished one where we can relax and be ourseleves
without masks or roles to play. It is a constant source
of comfort and joy in my life. It means so much to have
you as my lover you know me like no other person ever will.
You know my fautls and weakness, my insecurity
and my doubts and you still like me anyway.
You're the only person who I know for certain would be there
trying to hold my sprits up if my whole world
came crashing down. I can't tell you how much it means
to have you in my life. All I can say is that I can't
imagine being here without you.



3


Now that I have you~~ can I keep you?
Now that you are in my thoughts~~ am I in yours?
Now that I promise you forever~~ will you give me the same?
Now that I have given you my heart~~ swear to me,
    you will protect it.
Now that I give you my trust~~ will you respect it,
    and give me yours?
Now that my heart is in your hands~~ will you treat
    it as you want to be treated?
Now that I am happy, will you always make me smile?
Now that you are forever mine~~ am I forever yours?
Now that I love you~~ will you love me back?


4


Your smile lights
up my world and my
smile warms your heart.

When you are close
my heart is light
and I bring joy to yours.

I am your purest
sweet white rose,
sometimes, I am blood red.

You are my
brilliant butterfly,
at night; my Great Gray Moth

We fly together
through the night,
return to earth at dawn.

There are no barriers
for us, we are what
we would be.

Let others rob
themselves of love,
by fences that they raise.

We will not be bound
by rules, we dare
to push the edge.

Together we can touch
the stars and fly
beyond the night.

So wrap me in your
warm gray wings
and let me bloom for you.


5

To prove his love to the rest,
He fought for her... he did his best.
His heart was strong as was his will.
And for her he would die... for her he would kill.
His love was declared in the highest honor.
And as she cried... he gazed apon her.
The tears were streaming down her face,
He knew she was his... he had won her race.
And with one move he kissed her lips,
smiled at her... then hugged her hips.
She said to him, "I love you so"
And to her suprise he said, "I know."



6


My love,
Oh, how I love thee,
No words can describe my love for you,
No song can be as beautiful as our love for each other,
I would sail across oceans to see you,
I would fly across the world to kiss you,
I would walk over lands to be with you forever,
My Love!

Star-Cross'd-Lovers

Star-Cross'd-Lovers                  
I was born to love you;
You were born to love me.
We must have loved each other in heaven,
For destiny chose us to be... Star-Cross'd-Lovers!


7

I am sitting here wondering if there is somone special for me out there,
Hoping that she comes to me in my dreams and in reality,

I pray for a match made in heaven that will understand my deepest
thoughts and the needs of love and romance that I dwell on so much,
If there is such a person Come to me, Come to me my love I wait for you,
I will wait to feel your warm embrace,

My love as I know someday you will come and take my tears of loneliness
away from my eyes and hold me so tight
in your arms and take all my worries and pain of heartbreak away,

Oh my love I can almost feel your presence although you are so far away,

Come to me.


8

These are the eyes that tell no lies,
Let feelings rise without disguise,
To love, hold fast and with youth past,
In every cast, show beauty vast.



9

When you toss and turn in your bed at night,
Frustrated that nothing that day went right,
And you wonder how to find some common ground
To ease your anger... just turn around.

When you get bad news and you fall apart,
And you feel that pain is breaking your heart,
And you cry a tear with every sound,
To ease your sadness... just turn around.

When you feel so negative, nothing is good,
No way will you smile, even if you could,
And you feel disgusted, you feel hell-bound,
To ease your hatred... just turn around.

When you feel lost, not finding your way,
Miserable thoughts take over your day,
And you search for Guidance that can't be found,
To ease your journey... just turn around.

When you seem shaken and a little scared,
And risks seem unbearable and even dared,
When you want to face the ghosts that hound,
To ease your fear... just turn around.

When it's hard to think and nothing seems clear,
And you can't even remember the day and year,
Answers are lost as your mind astounds,
To ease your confusion... just turn around...
          and I'll be there.


10

My one wish in the world is to find a woman that I can love,
She'd be my buttercup, my sweetheart, my friend, and my dove.

She'd fullfill the rest of my heart,
 which would make me feel complete,
And the greatness and love she brings
 would knock me off my feet.

Her eyes would mesmerize me by their sparkling shade of blue,
And how I'd be lucky enough to find her, I have no clue.

Her hair can be blonde, red, or a shiny blend of brown,
It doesn't really matter because I'd never let her down.

Her lips would be smooth, and kept ohh so soft,
And to have them in my presence, I would pay any cost.

Her smile would be beautiful and would almost make me tear,
And to lose her forever would be my biggest fear.

I would never hurt her in any way, shape, or form,
But instead I'd always be by her side
 and try to keep her warm.

Her measurements wouldn't matter to me
 unlike some other guys,
Because her personality would be my number one prize.

This prize would contain happiness
 and the love for having fun,
Which would give her the personality like no one.

She'd make me smile when the times would turn bad,
And would make me feel happy even when I'm sad.

Her trust would be the one thing I wouldn't want to break,
Because I'd realize I had made a very bad mistake.

I'll get down on my knees each and every day,
To pray to God that this beauty is here to stay.

I'd take her to see the ocean, and to the sea,
And watch the sunset to see how beautiful it would be.

We would dance on the sand, have fun,
 and enjoy the special night,
That would be the best thing that could happen to me
 at such a beautiful sight.

I'm going back to her inner body,
 because I love a sweet lady,
And I'd know she'd love to talk to me
 and wouldn't act shady.

Would I do anything for this woman, yes I surely would,
I would protect her with my life and do everything I could.

I'd take a bullet and die for this woman
 so she would feel no pain,
In which her life would still go on
 because she has a lot to gain.

I would be her man, and like the army, I'd be all I can be,
And my love for her would be all that she could see.

You shall realize this person is my richest
 and most prized possession,
Which I've told you about in this rhyme-filled discussion.

If I could ever find this wish upon the star,
 I'd be the most thankful guy,
And wonder how I was so lucky and why.


11

i wish i could see you
i wonder what you look like
i pictured you with me
i imagine you
...smiling
...laughing
...frowning
and sometimes crying

i wish you could be here
i wonder what you're doing
i picture you watching me
i imagine you
...making funny faces
...making me smile
...making me laugh
and never making me cry

i wish we could be as one
i wonder what it would be like
i pictured just that already
i imagine us
...as a couple
...as a family
...as husband and wife
and with children

but it was all a dream


12

I woke up this morning and said to myself,
"Today is the day you need to let go of
that something you don't have,
and put aside the false hope you currently thrive on."
I continued to go about my daily routine
with a few changes here & there,
not noticing the fact that you haven't even crossed my mind...
until you crossed my mind.
PLEASE... I need the strength to let go...
Let go of the feeling you give me
when we're in each other's presence...
Let go of the vision of unity between you and I
that haunts my dreams and taunts my reality...
Let go of the past that hinders my future.  

A lot of decisions I made,
I based them around how you would see me
when in actuality you weren't even looking.  
Now there's someone who's ready and willing
to take me where I want to be and give me
all that I could ask for...
and I don't even have the strength to let YOU go.


13

It slowly began with a few friendly words,
which fluttered between you like newly born birds.
But it quickly developed a special appeal,
As you grew to enjoy how it made you feel.

When days became weeks the sentences changed
to reflect the exploring in which you engaged.
Seeking to learn all about your new friend;
hoping she hears every thought that you send.

So dance on a rainbow
out to the stars.
Dance to the music
of Venus and Mars.
It may not be a melody
in harmonious sound,
but this is the song
of the love that you found.

You notice you miss her and ache deep inside,
The feelings that grow become harder to hide.
Despite your denials it won't go away;
you want to be with him by night and all day.

What worries you most is if her returns
the love that consumes you, as inside it burns.
A compulsive obsession to find out the truth,
you're elated with joy when she offers you proof.

So, dance on a rainbow
out to the stars.
Dance to the music
of Venus and Mars.
It may not be a melody
in harmonious sound,
but this is the song
of the love that you found.

But love is two sided- not simple at all,
It's something we learn only after we fall.
And then we discover, again and again,
that love always brings us both pleasure and pain.

So, like it or not it is part of you now,
but you will survive what it brings you somehow.
Look for the pleasure that love always brings
and follow the rhythm of the song that it sings.

So, dance on a rainbow,
out to the stars.
Dance to the music,
of Venus and Mars.
It may not be a melody
in harmonious sound,
but this is the song
of the love that you found.


14

In so many days...
And in so many ways...
I've opened my heart to you...
As a pathway to my soul.

I can still recall...
The first time our skin touched
-Just our hands-
That anxiousness
That made my palms wet
And tingle with excitement.

I can still reminisce....
The first time our lips...
Slightly touched...
So soft and seductive...
My heart was racing.

Only fate and time will tell...
When YOU will explore and learn
Ways of how I love...
And how you want me to love

LOVE:WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS YOUR HEART.

This is some old writing done a long time ago.

The pain over my heart returns, and from it I imagine tiny fissures spreading out into my body. Through my torso, down my arms and legs, over my face, leaving it crisscrossed with cracks..... my heart and my trust were in the process of collapsing. And that collapse created a vacuum in my chest. Like every nerve in my body was withering in, pulling away from my fingers and toes. Pulling back and disappearing.


Then you’d sob and sob and sob so hard you couldn’t stand up until finally you’d go quiet and your head would weigh seven hundred pounds and you’d lift it from your hands and rise to walk into the bathroom to look at yourself solemnly in the mirror and you’d know for sure that you were dead. Living but dead. And all because this person didn’t love you anymore or even if he/she loved you he/she didn’t want you and what kind of life was that? It was no life. There would be no life anymore. There would only be one unbearable minute after another and during each and every one of those minutes this person you wanted would not want you and so you would begin to cry again and you’d watch yourself cry pathetically in the mirror until you couldn’t cry anymore, so you’d stop


It was as if first my stomach and then my entire abdomen were filling up with acid, as if sticky, red-hot little starfish were attaching themselves to my organs. As the pain grew more pervasive and intense, I would feel it climb into my forehead, over the back of my neck, my shoulders, my entire body, even invading my dreams to take a smothering hold of me. Sometimes, as diagrammed, a star of pain would form, centered on my navel, shooting shafts of acid to my throat, and my mouth, and I feared it would throttle me. If I hit the wall with my hand, or did a few calisthenics, or otherwise pushed myself as an athlete does, I could briefly block the pain, but at its most muted I could still feel it like an intravenous drip entering my bloodstream, and it was always there in my stomach; that was its epicenter.

I felt a pain somewhere around my heart, like somebody was squeezing it in their hand. Squeezing it till it stopped. Squeezing it till there was nothing left but a handful of needles and sawdust.I couldn’t allow myself to think about her very long; if I had I would have jumped off the bridge. It’s strange. I had become so reconciled to this life without her, and yet if I thought about her only for a minute it was enough to pierce the bone and marrow of my contentment and shove me back again into the agonizing gutter of my wretched past


It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn’t hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me. And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt though my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it.

I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now—if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it—I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best in my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he’d given me. More than I’d asked for, more than I’d deserved. Maybe someday I’d be able to see it that way.   But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible?

Only three things are infinite: the sky in its stars, the sea in its drops of water, and the heart in its tears.What is the difference between love and obsession? Didn’t both make you stay up all night, wandering the streets, a victim of your own imagination, your own heartbeat? Didn’t you fall into both, headfirst into quicksand? Wasn’t every man in love a fool and every woman a slave? Love was like rain: it turned into ice, or it disappeared. Now you saw it, now you couldn’t find it no matter how hard you might search. Love evaporated; obsession was realer; it hurt, like a pin in your bottom, a stone in your shoe. It didn’t go away in the blink of an eye. A morning phone call filled with regret. A letter that said, Dear you, good-bye from me. Obsession tasted like something familiar. Something you’d known your whole life. It settled and lurked; it stayed with you.


The worst thing: to give yourself away in exchange for not enough love. I was lying on the bed like a corpse, though in pain and intensely aware of it, like an animal listening helplessly to its last breath. The pain was deeper and harsher than anything I had felt until that day, afflicting every part of me. … As I gave myself over to the pain, as acid-filled grenades exploded in my blood and bones, I sorted through my bundle of memories, one by one, distracting myself, briefly and intermittently, sometimes for ten or fifteen seconds, though sometimes for only one or two, until these same memories would propel me even deeper into the void of the present moment, the pain stunning me as if for the first time, a heretofore unknown magnitude of agony. One palliative for this new wave of pain, I discovered, was to seize upon an object of our common memories that bore her essence; to put it into my mouth and taste it brought some relief

LOVE: WHEN A WOMAN REALLY LOVES YOU

There used to be a time when I would believe just about anything another individual would tell me. I would ignore all of the tell tale hidden signs that they’re actions were presenting to me, and totally concentrate on the inconsistencies their lips convinced me of being their truths. This left me open for being hurt and disappointed… A lot.

It’s not like I didn’t see the opposite actions that the individuals were portraying, I was perfectly aware that they were telling me one thing and doing something completely different than what they were saying. I guess in a sense I was hoping that what they were saying with their mouth would trump what their body language, personality traits, character traits, and whatever else they consistently said knowingly and unknowingly, without them actually saying one word; basically, everything else they were telling me without parting their lips. But, that was rarely ever the case. No ones word can ever trump their actions, despite what some may think or speak.

In order for me to avoid being hurt or disappointed I would have to drive home to myself, that some people aren’t aware that their actions and words aren’t in alignment with one another. In fact, there are a few who simply don’t care that their actions have left the track altogether.

What became more of an importance to me was that all my words lined up with my actions. That I could control… all day, everyday. As far as others are concerned… well, I still continued to listen to what people tell me, attentively actually. The difference now is I listen more to what their actions are saying than I do to what they are actually saying.

So many woman inmy life said they loved me and their actions didn't match. So many woman read my word and tell me ...we are in the same page but their interest level in a matter of a few days to a few weeks would decline. Actions don't just speak louder than words, actions SCREAM the truth at you

When a woman falls in love, her world is literally turned on its edge. There is nothing that she will not do for her man. She will change jobs, change her clothes, leave her friends, change religion, stop talking to her relatives, and she will probably move to a new city.

A woman jumps into her relationship with both feet. She is 100% committed to loving her man. She goes to work, and all day she thinks of his love. She cannot wait to get back home to be in his presence, to kiss him, to hold him, and to make love to him.

A woman loves a man so much, that she will put him first in her life. He is his priority. He is the reason he wakes up early and deals with her boss. She will do whatever it takes to make sure that her man is taken care of.

I will interject here with the following statement: not all women love perfectly. However, their love is perfect. The love they feel for their man is pure. It is real. Nothing in this world is more real than the love a woman feels for her man, when she is truly in love. She will cry for her man if that is what she feels she has to do She will die for her man if that is the only option. She will tear herself apart if she thinks that will make him happy. Some woman go as far as putting their husband before their children.

A woman's love for a man is intense and unconditional. It is true love.

LOVE: GOD WHY WON'T YOU SENT ME MY SOULMATE

My search for a spouse turned into a cycle of frustration as I encountered numerous relational struggles and  I started to wonder if God actually cared about my romantic relationships. Whenever I felt particularly upset about being single, I would lay in bed and gripe to God about the injustice of my social life. Knowing He possessed omnipotent power made it seem logical to expect a wife from Him.

One day, I began to look back over my life and the numerous dead-end relationships from my past. In each situation, romance had started out with a bang but fizzled under the weight of performance-based love. No matter who I met, either I was too demanding or she couldn’t accept me for who I was.

Suddenly, something clicked within my mind. I thought, “Why am I chasing marriage when it cannot provide the unconditional love that my heart craves? Only God offers everything I need.” With this new perspective, I relinquished to God my demand to get married. I still wanted to find a spouse someday, but I no longer considered marriage necessary to complete my life. If I remained single for the rest of my life, that was okay—God promised to fulfill my heart.

When we demand that God bring us a mate, we block His love from enhancing our social life. The anger that we harbor builds a wall between us and Him. If we are honest with ourselves, we realize that our demand for marriage is a refusal of God’s love because we want our selfish desires met. God will never stop loving us, but we ignore Him when we desperately seek a human being to make us happy. Furthermore, whatever we depend upon for our happiness will wind up controlling us. If we believe that we need a human spouse to be satisfied, then people, rather than God, will dictate our lives.

God is in control of everything, but He does not intervene just to make our lives easy. He had no intention of making a woman magically appear and fall in love with me. Instead, God wanted to use His power to mature me into someone who would initiate sacrificial love towards other people. I wanted to get love, while God was teaching me to give love.

The freedom to love

Likewise, God is working in your life to help you meet and love other people. However, you make the final choice as to whom you accept and whom you reject. When you interact with another person, you have the freedom to decide which direction your relationship will take. You can choose to become romantic, just be friends, or end your time together and separate. In addition, the other person has a decision in the matter, which means he can influence the outcome. Consequently, a relationship will not develop unless both of you decide to love each other. On the other hand, if you or the other person make selfish decisions, your relationship may crumble.

The desire for marriage is a fair request, but the consequences of living in a fallen world can prevent people from reaching that goal. For instance, you can pursue someone romantically, but that individual may choose to ignore you, a crisis or illness could hinder you, or that person may decide to leave you. The sins of humanity create numerous barriers to good relationships.

Yet, why is life so hard sometimes? Why doesn’t God use His power to protect us from pain? Actually, God is at work, but in a different way than some of us realize.

God uses His sovereign power to encourage people to love each other, but He also allows us to make selfish choices that can tear us apart. God permits calamity so that we can experience His greatest gift – a free will. Without free will, you and I would be robots or lifeless, stuffed animals. Fortunately, God limits His power to let us make our own choices in life. Does your free will nullify God’s omnipotence? No,

Why is free will so important? God wants you to enjoy true love, and true love cannot exist without a choice. If you were forced to love God or another person, then love would disappear, and you would be under manipulation. Free will is the key ingredient to true love.

I recognized the importance of this truth when I couldn’t get a date for my junior high school prom. I had asked several girls, but they all turned me down. Four days before the big dance, however, a friend told me about a girl, named Tiffany, who needed a date. Frankly, I wasn’t attracted to her, but I asked her anyway, because she was my only option.

During the prom, Tiffany and I attempted to be cordial, but it became obvious that neither of us had an interest in each other. We didn’t talk during dinner, we didn’t want to dance as the band played, and we didn’t smile as our pictures were taken. Most of the evening, we sat in silence and stared dreamily at the students whom we really liked. Through that ordeal, I learned that love cannot exist unless both parties freely choose to be together.

Therefore, finding an earthly spouse will not occur through demanding God to miraculously bring someone to your doorstep. Marriage is not a predetermined process that happens mysteriously. You will get frustrated if you believe that God mystically pairs people together. If God predetermines marriage, then why doesn’t He stop divorce? Instead, God lets us make the decision to love or the decision to leave.

The choice to love

God brings people across your path and encourages you to love them, but He lets you manage your relational responses. Thus, marriage revolves around deliberately making choices to love another person. You can improve your opportunities for romance by getting out and choosing to sacrificially love people. Or, you can opt for selfish or reclusive behavior and diminish your relational prospects. The quality of your social life hinges on the choices you make
.

FAN: A STORY FROM A FAN--PRIVATE DANCER

 Lights dimmed and candles burning, while Portishead music playing in the background.  I slowly slip on my sheer fish net stockings and clasping it with a guarder belt. My pussy is fully exposed and my breast is slightly covered with a sheer bra. I look into the boudoirs mirror and grab my red lipstick and wrote “Je reve de tois mon amour.” I put on my stilettoes and glanced over and you are sitting on a chair blind folded with your hands tied behind your back. I turn up the music playing my favorite song, “ I just want to be a women.” We both sit in silence and listen to the melodic and sultry voice as it seduces the both of us. The intense beats create a sexual energy. I slowly walk over and remove the blind fold and your stare pierce right through me, while anticipating what I would do. You are helpless but you are enjoying every minute of it and knew you had to surrender to me. I turned my back on you and walked forward as my plump ass moved back and forth, giving you a taste. In perfect timing with the music, my hips glide in a “S” curve and your eyes follow every movement of my hips. I spread my legs and bend over and give you a view of my pussy lips. I put my finger in my pussy to make it wet. I turn around and looked at you while putting my finger in my mouth as it goes in and out, giving the illusion of me sucking on your dick. As the music gets intense, my dance moves become more provocative and I slowly make my way towards you. I take off your pants and spread your legs and your dick is getting harder and bigger. I play with it to get it more excited, gently stroking it up and down. I go on my knees and my thick lips envelops the top of your penis. My lips pressing tightly and I move up and down on your penis head.  Using my tongue to lick around the head and I look up and our eyes meet. You knew that you were in trouble…

Your hands are still tied and you have absolutely no control. As I finish licking, my entire mouth opens wider and your entire dick is inside my mouth. I am deep throating and enjoying the sensation of a hard cock sliding in and out. I press it against the walls of my cheek as if you are fucking my mouth. I get up off my knees and I straddle you and put your dick into my pussy. Gently pressing down until your dick can't go further. I clench my muscles to tighten it for you and I move up and down and found a soothing rhythm, just enough to see your eyes roll back. My pussy is getting hotter and wetter and Im fucking you. All you can say is “fuck me harder baby.” My body and your body is sweating and our bodies becoming slippery. I finally untie you and you are free. Without hesitation, you grab my ass and begin to fuck me hard and take control the way you like it. The chair was becoming unstable, you get up while you are still inside me and carried me to the bed. You lift my legs and put it behind my neck and began to pound me like a slut. I couldn’t help but moan and encouraging you to do it harder. You flip me over, and start fucking me from behind until I came. You pull out and put your dick back in my mouth and finally release and filling my mouth with your cum. Your juices flowing out of my mouth, I had to swallow. We both smiled, and your body fell on top of me and we held each other all night long.

An Article: Impregnation

Taken In Hand relationships are, amongst other things, intensely sexual. Over and over again, couples have reported that changing their relationship from a conventional one to a Taken In Hand one has brought both deep intimacy and a white hot sexual connection. For those of a Taken In Hand bent, the effect is very powerful. It feels overwhelming and elemental, and perhaps even animalistic at times.

While many conventional couples desultorily try all sorts of toys and tricks and porn and partners to paper over the cracks of their expired desire, couples who have made the small but fundamental change to a Taken In Hand relationship report that that has swept away the need for props and playacting, in a tsunami of raw sex. Ideas that once seemed sexless now seethe with primal eroticism. Take impregnation, for example. That “turn-off—something to avoid”, as one man put it, can suddenly become an overpowering need, an expression of possession, control, and the acceptance of and delight in that control.

“You bet it's a turn-on!” wrote one husband. “What could be more erotic than looking into my wife's eyes and impregnating her? I decided to make her pregnant. She submitted to my decision. Watching her waistline growing I'm seeing the results of my control and her affirmation of that control. I caused it. I made it happen. It's a HUGE turn-on. She said she didn't want to breastfeed but I told her she's got to, and she got that dreamy submissive look in her eye that tells me she needs a trip to the bedroom.”

For a Taken In Hand woman, letting go and surrendering to the inevitable consequences of her husband's decision to impregnate her can be one of the most intense experiences she has ever known. Such women embrace and glory in their choice not to have a choice and even in their fear of pain in childbirth. Instead of feeling irked by the discomfort of third trimester pregnancy some experience it ecstatically, as masochistic rapture. Their expanding waistline is hard evidence of the man's control, of his power as a man, and of the woman's submission to that power. They glow not just because of the pregnancy itself but because they are high in the heaven of subspace. Owned and mastered, protected and loved, they are liberated and flying free in their bondage. Women thinking with their wombs? If you want to put it that way.

If you are the kind of woman who is thrilled by living under the control of a man, it is not unlikely that you too might thrill to the idea of your man having control over your body and life in this profound way. And it is precisely because it is, as one reader wrote, “the ultimate form of control over a woman” that some find it disturbing. Others just have zero interest in having children, and that is fine. This is definitely not for all Taken In Hand folk.

Even some individuals who have children or would like to have children will be feeling uncomfortable, disturbed and even sickened, upon reading this. I casually mentioned to a handful of easygoing friends the idea that some people find the idea of impregnation and pregnancy erotic and was met with horrified expressions and forceful statements to the effect that there is nothing less erotic. Several actually seemed sickened by the idea—as though I had just suggested that they might like to have an important part of their anatomy nailed to a bed post. There is something not quite decent about finding the idea of impregnation erotic. Especially if the man is in control of it and the woman is submitting to her husband's decision to impregnate her.

When I asked readers to answer these questions, some Taken In Hand readers reported finding the idea repugnant, but more interestingly, many readers reported either that they find the idea erotic, and in some cases that they had never found it erotic until they switched to a Taken In Hand relationship.

“When my husband took control, it was natural for him to take control of my body and of my body's ability to procreate. He takes me whenever HE wants, which is all the time now we're in a Taken In Hand relationship, and if it [impregnation] happens it happens!”

“I am the first to admit that I find the idea of impregnation highly erotic, not to mention the physical evidence of the man's control in the woman's pregnant body, and I am the first to admit that it feels like a very primal, possibly even animalistic thing, and I am the first to admit that I go weak at the knees at the thought of a man controlling me with his penis as well as his rod. I did not feel like this until I was in a Taken In Hand relationship. I regret that when I had kids in the ordinary marriage I was in before, there was nothing erotic about impregnation and pregnancy but now there is. It's the control that makes the difference to me.”

It is a terrible shame that so few women experience pregnancy and even impregnation erotically. It seems such a waste! How can something so thrilling be reduced to something so devoid of any erotic power? As a Taken In Hand friend wrote to me a while back when we discussed this: “All this time I thought I was the ONLY woman who was turned on by certain things, like having been pregnant (it made me feel submissive, as if my husband had finally “conquered” me by impregnating me. Anyone else would think me loony, but I know you won't.”

No, I don't. I understand completely—and so do many of the Taken In Hand women, and indeed men, who have responded to my little survey:

“The idea of impregnation, making your woman pregnant and causing her to have your baby, requiring her to breastfeed the baby, the idea of YOU controlling all that, the idea of her being yours, submissive to you, in bondage to the inevitability of the consequences of YOUR decision as a man. I had never thought of those things as erotic until I met a woman who was prepared to give my dominant impulses free rein.”

“In the context of your relationship, do you find the idea of impregnation erotic? Oh, YES. VERY! Not the raising of the children (I actually find that unsexy...the word “mom” to me is not a sexy word)..but the act of getting pregnant, of being pregnant, of giving birth, breastfeeding...YES!

Pregnancy? Breastfeeding the baby? Yes. and Yes.

Being sexually available to your husband (if you're a woman)? YES!”

“I have a fantasy that my wife loves. Here it is: My wife is reclining on the bed, naked and sweating in the heat of the day. Her belly is large and she is trying to find a comfortable position that will match her gravid state, but I have other ideas for her and she submits to my attention and to my demands, for she knows that she is mine. That she is my lover is obvious, but more than that, she has accepted me as her man and I have taken advantage of that acceptance and put her with child, my child. The bond now is deeper and more intimate for the changes it has wrought in her. Her very body has been altered in ways that make her even more beautiful, with the glow that only a pregnant woman can achieve and sustain. Her belly has swollen and grown to contain my child, but her breasts have also swollen and grown to meet my demands for the sweet nectar that she is able to produce for the babe, but which I have laid first claim to as is my right.

My thirst is insatiable and sometimes think I treat her little better than a dairy cow, though she has no complaints. I am constantly emptying her reservoirs to suit my thirst or sometimes simply to enjoy the sensation of her fountains of sweet and sticky juices cascading onto my body as I allow her to mount me and ride me, while leaving her breasts open to my attentions. I love to caress her generous mounds and squeeze them to the point of ecstasy where pain and pleasure collide and streams of fresh milk explode from her, covering my face. I savor the taste as it drips down over my tongue. Each time I take her and suckle at her breast, taking all she can give, is a pleasure greater than before and each time she recovers and her breasts grow even larger than before until she must beg me to help her relieve the pressure and once again we fall into a cycle of pleasure. There will plenty of milk for the baby when it arrives and she will enjoy nursing even more for the echoes of pleasure that it generates.

So yes, I can certainly see the erotic aspect of pregnancy within a Taken In Hand relationship. In one sense, this is an ultimate surrender of self and acceptance of a man as head of the household, for a woman to allow his child to grow and develop within her body. As far as writing a post, you can use whatever you like from what you’ve just read. I can’t fathom how any man could turn away from the sight of his pregnant partner without enjoying the physical changes and benefits.”

“Yes, I find the idea of being impregnated, pregnant and breastfeeding all very sexy. When my husband takes me he tells me he's going to make me pregnant and that he will look after us and love us and be the head of the household I need to obey. We both find this very sexy.”

“I find many of the things you mentioned slightly erotic in a fantasy way, but my husband and I were both divorced with four children from our previous marriages when we met, and we do not have any children together. I very much wish I had been able to have gone through pregnancy, babies, and breast feeding with my husband, but that was not meant to be. However, I find the idea of erotic lactation interesting and I'm pretty sure my husband would love it!”

“I didn't find impregnation or pregnancy sexy at all until I started taking my wife in hand. It's not likely that I'll make her with child as we're not a young couple, but we share the fantasy that we are young and fertile and that I will implant my seed in her and that she'll give me a baby. She would look very beautiful pregnant with my baby.”

“I find the notion of continuous sexual availability extremely exciting. I make myself available to my man any time he wants me. In our 6 years, I have never said no to his advances, because I always want him, especially when he wants me. He is dominant in bed and sets the frequency for us, which is usually every 3 days. This is fine with me and I receive his advances (or make my own) with pleasure. … The notion of impregnation is not exciting to me (largely because of the practicality of it, him having had a vasectomy and I quite happy not having children younger than mine now is, 14). He occasionally speaks of having the vasectomy reversed and “knocking me up”, so it must arouse him.”

“I never used to find things like impregnation, pregnancy and lactation erotic—anything but! It was not until I started thinking about being in a Taken In Hand relationship that it started to appeal to me. For me, a Taken In Hand relationship means the man having control over me. Having control includes having control of my body. The ultimate kind of control is to impregnate me and cause me to bear a child. The idea of being brought into subjection in this way is one of the most erotic things I can think of. That, to my mind, is the ultimate level of control. The idea of being impregnated and then watching and feeling the inevitable changes in my body, all caused by him, his will, his decision—then giving birth to his child, and doing so naturally and without pain relief, then nursing his child until he tells me I may wean the child—these ideas haunt my fantasies.”

“As a society we have come far away from our natural primeval desires. Where sex used to be erotic for its power to impregnate, now we have to employ a host of props and artificial stimulants to make it possible for us to perform sexually. My wife and I have moved away from that. We have stripped sex to its natural state. I do not permit the use of contraception and I require her to be available to me whenever I choose. Both she and I find the idea of impregnation erotic. She is fearful of pregnancy but she does not resist when I enter her and her body is always ready for me. If I make her pregnant she will bear my child. We joke about her being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen but she knows that that is how I want her, and she loves me enough to accept that it is my right as her husband to make her pregnant if I so choose. She accepts that if I make her pregnant, I will need to exert even more control over her than I do currently, for she will be carrying my child, and I have a right to protect the health of my wife and my child.”

In a follow-up email message, the writer quoted in the previous paragraph confirmed, indeed stressed, that his wife is not merely acquiescing but actually finds all this very erotic. Not everyone does—there were some very negative responses from older women in particular—but the more I think about it, the more exciting and fun I think it is to view what can be quite difficult, stressful experiences (pregnancy and breastfeeding) erotically. Experiencing these things so many women find unpleasant, and so many men find repulsive, as being hard evidence of the man's control and thus thrilling instead of off-putting, is very valuable if you want to have children. Couples who view impregnation, pregnancy and breastfeeding erotically bind themselves together sexually. And when a couple is bound together in this way, other problems are often much easier to solve.

JOURNAL: DAD IS GETTING WORSE...PLEASE PRAY

My dad got intubated again...please pray for him