FAN: A FAN SHARING HER EXPERIENCE IN DATING

So I’m a SWF, more than 30, but less than 35 and I am beginning to think I’m losing it. Now that I’m in my early 30s, does dating have to suck or did it suck all through my 20s and I just didn’t notice or care? 

My last boyfriend broke up with me a few months back and upon reflection, it seems to have been a blessing in disguise. However, a blow to the ego is still tough to take. So I do the traditional get-drunk-and-hook-up-with-some-random-guy-in-a-bar, but being raised a nice Catholic girl, there’s a lot of groping but no sex. I have this stupid, old-fashioned fixation on my # of partners (7) that keeps me from giving in. 

So what’s a girl with a healthy sex drive to do? Well, there’s that old boyfriend, the one who’s still interested. We meet up and somehow end up having crazy, porno sex for hours – unfortunately that’s because it never does the trick – no orgasm. Damn. So I decide that maybe what I really need is a confidence boost. 

At the suggestion of a friend, I do the online dating thing. I meet this guy, and he’s cute and smart and sexy and there is definitely some chemistry – as in by the third date I just want to rip his clothes off. Usually I’m much more cynical and cautious, but I just kind of fall into this one. Things go much faster than I’m used to – he introduces me to his friends, for pete’s sake - and after only two weeks we almost have sex (if we’d had condoms, we would have). I wake up feeling somehow disenchanted and sure enough, later that day, I note that after a short hiatus, he’s updated is fucking profile. I know, I know - it's not like we're dating or anything - there's been no exclusivity discussion but I usually operate under the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, this whole online dating thing kind of forces it in my face. And besides, I thought that was a pretty good blow job. He does call me however “just to say hi”, making me wonder what to do about him. I’m willing to bet he’s
great in bed, and well, isn’t that what god created players for – great, fun sex? But then again, there’s that whole numbers thing…

Either way, the old boyfriend calls that night and wants to meet up the next day – go hiking or something. Sure, hiking. So we spend the day together, which is nice as all of my friends are out of town and I’m bored and lonely and wondering why we don’t just get back together b/c maybe I need to just give up and accept the fact that I’m not getting any younger and eventually my dating life will taper off and maybe I don't want to be 40 and alone. Then we go back to my place to watch a movie and he gets all cuddly, which is ok at first. Then it goes to kissing and his breath is god awful. Just to add icing on the cake, he notices that hesitant look in my eye and responds by saying, “What’s the matter? What do you want? Do you want some COCK?” Uh, no. I might have before you were breathing your stank ass breath in my face and talking like you think this is some Skinemax movie, but now I just want to figure out what the hell I’m doing wrong. 

Actually, I’m pretty sure I know already, and it’s got nothing to do with numbers. So why did I writes and senting this to you? Maybe because it’s almost 6 a.m. and I’ve been up since 2 a.m., unable to sleep. Santa, what I’d really like for Christmas this year is a very intelligent, reasonably attractive man with a clever sense of humor, a kind heart and an all consuming need to adore me. I know that maybe I’ve been a bit naughty, but I’ve still got a few months to make it up, right Santa?

FAN: EMAIL FROM A NICE GUY

I received an email from a reader of mine today. I'll call him Stuart. Stuart claimed that he'd always considered himself to be a creative person, but that instead of working daily under the guidance of a blissful muse he found himself laboring beneath the strictures of an advertising executive who once confused Gunter Grass with an insecticide -- something like a German equivalent to Round-Up. What had always kept him from fully immersing himself in literary pursuits and becoming the next Hemingway (or, at the very least, Bret Easton Ellis) was that he was a complete failure in my sixth Vice. That is, he had trouble soliciting the favors of young women.

Stuart went on to say that he couldn't quite understand his sexual hardships, as he was not an unattractive, witless, drone like many of the men he found on the arms of estimable women. And he summed up his sad misfortune by quoting from Lawrence Durrell's novel Balthazaar: "Before my love has a chance to crystallize, it turns into a deep, a devouring friendship."

The kid was obviously in a bad way. To be quoting from Durrell's tour de force The Alexandria Quartet (a monumental but largely forgotten masterpiece from the 1950's) indicated that he, like many a creative soul, was far too sensitive for his own good. Stuart then asked me if I'd be willing to offer any advice to those who want to pursue this vice but were lacking the tools -- that his creative success was, indeed, riding on it.

But be forewarned, Stuart and friends, these are hard habits to unlearn. I still occasionally fall prey to some of them.

HABIT ONE: I'LL BE HER FRIEND FIRST
And that will be the end of it. This misconceived habit is probably the leading cause of unwanted celibacy among sensitive men. Yes, we've all heard the stories about how a woman's lover was also her best friend; but the moral is that he became her friend after they became lovers. Rarely does it ever work the other way around.

"But sex will ruin our friendship" is the gut-wrenching feminine line that reverberates through the corridors of every unrequited heart and should have taught the sensitive man long ago the error of his ways. After all, have you ever heard the retort, "But friendship will ruin our sex"?

Though, in some cases, there may be some truth to this.

HABIT TWO: I'D BETTER GO SLOW
Why? So you can give her time to find someone more daring than yourself? This habit usually rears its ugly head when the sensitive man finds himself with a recently dumped girl. "She needs time to find herself, to realize what she really wants" is what he tells himself, failing to consider the fact that there are plenty of guys waiting to convince her that they are what she really wants -- and leaving him to wait for the stories of what asses they turned out to be. Dejected and alone, she'll unknowingly torment him with lines like, "Don't worry; you'll find someone. You're the best guy I know." A sure fire sign that he's been relegated to permanent friendship. Best guy or not.


HABIT THREE: SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED WILL MAKE US CLOSER
But if you're not having sex it won't. If you aren't at least making some passes when you first share the bed with a girl, your ship is never getting out of dry dock. This is not to say that you should force yourself on her, but at least make some innocent passes informing her that you find her sexually attractive. If you don't, you'll just be filling the role of a warm body to replace the loneliness caused by her absent lover. And by no means enter the bed with the preface, "Don't worry, I'll be a gentleman." Maybe that's not what she's looking for. If nervous and in need a tension breaker, try out the Woody Allen line: "You know, love is the answer; but while you're waiting sex raises some pretty good questions." Laughter, after all, is the best aphrodisiac.

HABIT FOUR: I DON'T CARE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Charlie's Fantasy graphic. She wants a man who'll make a decision and not return everything into her court. A guy who'll make plans for the night and be so enthusiastic about them that she'll be excited too. There's a big difference between being considerate and being wishy-washy. If you're indifferent about such simple things as dinner arrangements and movie selections, it doesn't bode well for your prowess as an accomplished bed partner -- one who never vacillates between the varieties of sexual experience that please a woman but who decides and dives in headlong. Even if it is on the shallow end.

HABIT FIVE: I'LL WIN HER HEART WITH FLOWERS AND A POEM
Not unless she's into Renaissance Fairs and Poetry Slams, you won't. Although this habit still finds its way into popular literature, film, and television, it became hopelessly outdated with the arrival of James Dean and Rock 'n' roll. These days poetry is consigned to the lazy sods who never had the giddyup and talent to learn a musical instrument, preferably the guitar. And flowers have been relegated to wives and mothers. But, if you find yourself uncontrollably gripped by old-fashioned romance and "Little House on the Prairie" episodes, be sure to sign your name to the accompanying card. In our day and age, anonymous admirers are usually mistaken for stalkers.

HABIT SIX: I BETTER APOLOGIZE
If you're in the wrong, maybe. But if she's in the wrong, there's no better way of sabotaging your prospects of taking her to bed. Women are bright creatures and they know when they're at fault for something. Admitting it, though, is a different story. Innumerable emotions course through their veins at any given moment, and the reasons for why they might avoid blame are equally varied. Expect contradictions.

You say I contradict myself; so I contradict myself; I contain multitudes!

(a split personality was my opinion). Even so, with the man who is courting her, the reason for a woman's self-imposed innocence of wrongdoing usually lies in her assessing his neediness. There's nothing less attractive to a woman than desperation.

So, take heed, gentlemen, and stick to your guns.


HABIT SEVEN: WOMEN DON'T MAKE PASSES AT MEN WHO WEAR GLASSES
Yes, I stole this one from Dorothy Parker, switching the sexes. But, it seems to me pretty appropos. As a society, we have reached a pinnacle in our distaste for intellectuals -- which our election of George W. Bush surely proves. Glasses, unfairly or not, lend themselves to a feeling of heightened cognitive ability. And most women are in subconscious agreement with Aldous Huxley's statement, "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." (Why would a woman get involved with someone like that?) Do yourselves a favor, gentlemen, lose the glasses and get contacts or corrective surgery. Without those bifocals you can gaze much more easily into the orbs of your loved one, the infamous windows of the soul. Just don't stare too long. That kind of thing creeps them out.

FAN: NICE GUY: A FAN SENT ME A EMAIL

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girls every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing serious between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: oh, but were just friends! And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I cant. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as oh, hes too nice to date or he would be a good boyfriend but hes not for me or he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out! or the most frustrating of all: no, it would ruin our friendship. Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I cant figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (Im going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

FANS: AN EMAIL I GOT FROM ONE OF MY READER

his is an email I got from one of my fan...

The lessons i've learned because im a nice guy.

Here’s the thing. As much as ive given and given, its that much I haven’t gotten back. What is it about humans that make us such manipulative bastards?

I have a dog. His name is snoopy. Snoopy ran away today. I had to search for him for hours. Finally found him a short distance from my house, sitting with this other female dog. Here’s what I figured out. Humans are like dogs. Acting on impulse more than thought. Their well being, their motives are all selfish acts. As much as a dog will love u and protect you and be your best friend he will eventually fuck you over if there’s something better in it for him. Humans are exactly the same.

Where are those days gone where people lived their lives for someone else? Where’s the honor gone, where a man would take a bullet for his best friend?

I too have succumbed to the fact that ive become a selfish little bastard. Living life for myself only. How did I become this way you ask

I became this way because of all the people ive been nice to, been a friend to, been a committed boyfriend to. Ive stuck by my friends, respected my acquaintances and honorable to my girlfriends. The only thing ive gotten back is pain.

Its said that what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. I don’t agree with that statement 100 percent. Cause something inside me has been killed. It’s the innocence that makes you believe that Santa clause exists. The innocence that makes me believe that true love lasts forever. The innocence that makes you believe that you are not alone in the struggle of life…

I have grown up… I have become wiser…. I have learned my lessons…

Because ive been hurt.

Because im a nice guy.

FAN: EMAIL FROM A FAN....VERY FUNNY AND TRUE

Initially my plan was only to complain about the same old type of man, who couldn't plan to get his pants off fast enough for me, or was that his agenda, my dilemma, exhaustion in the same old stale piece of bread in a restaurant basket being recycled to me. Alas, he's a thing of the past and my one venture is to stress, my heart is not pent up in rage about the has-beens or their cousins, but to focus on the many men who don't have to try, whose witticism, criticism and cynicism come to them naturally. The way I would in the middle of the night, waiting for the rhythmic sounds of your breathing to caress the parts of you already undressed, and awaken you with my mouth, or my hand and take command like a captain at the helm and slowly steer you about. The grind of my hip, the flick of my tongue, a bite from my mouth, or suckle from my lip, and sleep tonight you will do without, at least for another few minutes. But that's another story or chapter we can explore at another time. The lack of pretension did I fail to mention is what draws me in, closer still if there's an attraction between me and the man I want to be molested by, feel ingested by. Arms so safe and warm the snooze button would be found under the bed, but alas I needn't turn the alarm on.

My hat goes off to the hard-working, truly sexy men. Not the 'no-where-to-go-boobs' who carry their little headphones to match their little cell phones and sport their little pens in hand with no plan. Or the way they wear all their labels face front. It's all a front we can see miles away like the storms given names that pass just the same. Give me the suit sulking over his briefs and I'll keep it brief how I'd love to explore his shorts or even more go over his dictation thoroughly. Give me the construction worker who's too polite to hoot when I walk past, as his friends push him, "Aw, go on." I'll hoot myself as I have at officers and firemen with their brawn.

FAN: A EMAIL FROM A FAN: TAKING IT SLOW

So I've been seeing this one girl, and for the first time in my life I'm not after sex. She is so bright, cheerful, and interesting I find myself enjoying the conversations and connection so much that I forget that I am a guy, and we are just two people who are having a great time, and enjoying each others company like a bottle of wine with a side of pop rocks. You know how you talk with your friends about "going slow", and "getting to know the person", but then when you actually go out you get red faced and flustered as your hormones bum rush your brain cockpit, and force you to land onto the nearest clean sheeted runway preferably with no roommates near the airport.

I know how that feels. The yearning for physical connection is overpowering sometimes. For me it starts like a low pitched noise inside my head. Like when your ears "ring". This can be brought on by a woman who knows how to wear some pants. It causes me a low inaudible
murmur of pleasure.

Now if you happen to see a beautiful woman, who exchanges a warm smile with you, that causes my mouth to start watering, and that low ring in my ears becomes a quiet creek trickling over a rocky riverbed.

The first time you actually touch a woman, reciprocativley, that quiet trickling becomes a quick moving river. And physically, I start to feel my own breath, and my ears get warm. For some reason my hands become a lot more sensitive too. You can easily get to this point on a
date, even if you're in a stodgy restaurant with her parents, and hypercritical aunt.

Now we've reached our sexual Rubicon. The erotic touch, smile, or kiss. You know the one, where you lick your lips unconsciously. The touch where you feel the other persons energy bristling right below their skin. Your breath comes faster and tighter. That gentle feeling
rises up from your belly, into your throat, and escapes through your nostrils and mouth in the forms of passionate kisses, and deep lingering whiffs or the object of your affections. And the noise! That ear noise is a dull roar, the sound of a waterfall splashing down onto your head from a cliff high above. You can't even hear or think of anything else besides the impending release, save perhaps a small worry of who you are letting yourself become. Only the most perceptive
minds can even notice the last part.

All of the steps and stages are too much to fight off. "Getting to know" the person is pretty much an after thought now. Is there anyway to resist this ramp of passion? Anyway to head off this gradual slide into a lustful fury? I didn't think so until now. But hell, I'm only 3 dates into it. at this point I'm usually developing the best way to pee in her bathroom without making a bunch of noise. I'm glad I'm trying it the old-fashioned way this time. Wish me luck, and think of what will really make you happy in the long run too. in the meantime try to stay of the love ramp to the humping highway, when what you really want is something deeper and lasting.

If she is reading this; I promise that when we and if we ever get to that point I'll still respect you, and it will be better than chocolate flavored stamp glue!



PERSONALLY...I THINK THIS GUY IS TAKING THE WRONG APPROACH AND I TOLD HIM.....BUT I LOVE HIS WRITING AND DECIDED TO SHARE THIS EMAIL WITH YOU.

FAN: EMAIL FROM A FAN ABOUT FALLING IN LOVE

Its something I cant fathom. I've been falling for her. It might be like what it was before, a very deep emotion that became intractable. Maybe now, it might just go so much deeper in me, something that I've never experienced before.  When she smiles, I feel happy. The exhilaration that goes through me is just so hysterical. When shes there, she allays my worries. I forget them for a moment when her radiance enchants me. I don't know how neither do I know why this is happening. Is it just a temporary state of mind? An illusion of cerebral images that is deceiving me? Or just because I'm falling in love with her? No matter how hard I try, even if I denied it will my whole soul, I still cant ignore my feelings for her. Its whenever shes in my sight, I try not to look at her but even so, I still take short peeks at her. The force of attractions that urge my eyes to turn at admire her.  Whats worse, I don't know if shes taken. If she is, I know my world would crash down on me like how it did before. Even though its a repeated scene, it still will hurt. Like how even though bombings have happened before, it still does some damage even though it happens again. Maybe Doc you this will know what its like..I read your blog and I feel that you might be the only one who understand.. Someone who means so much to you, someone who paints your world, someone who makes you see the world in such a way that you make it revolve around them, someone that takes your breath away when you're near them, when they're taken away by someone else, you get really broken inside. Even if you try not to show your pain, it still shows. You cant hide a wound. I couldn't. I cried before, just a few months ago about another girl, about all the things when they started to go bad. Say what you like about guys crying but I'm human. Those who prejudice guys who cry and interpret their nature of being soft-natured and think its "girly", you're just jealous that you could never get a personality and a sanitarium of a mind set to make you sympathise and cry for something. If you've ever insulted any guy who has ever cried and saying its sissy, you probably don't have any sense of humanity in you. Why? Because you're afraid. You're afraid to express sadness. How cynical can you get. So stereotype. You've never been exposed to the outside world. You're so narcissistic-

Sigh... I'm getting cranky. Better stop.. I wont say how much I love her because I cant find words to describe it. Hours of searching. I cant. I cant I cant. The best thing to do now is to prepare for the worst. If shes attached, then.. Ill have to let go. It is painful and arduous but if you really love them, letting go is to show it. Why? Doesn't sound sensible? Why not? Think about this. If you're hurt from her because shes attached and you arrived too late but you still love her so much, you cant tell her how you feel about her because it would be unfair. So what would you do? Since you love her so much, you'd let go to not let her know that you love her. Its just not fair for her to know if shes attached.. no not fair. It comes with pain. Obviously it does but you'd endure it because you love her. Its what I've learnt. You may disagree, it doesn't matter. We all got our ways. But this is mine.  Its late now, tomorrow my English exam. God please give me a clear mind for it. Help me to be smart about it. You know what I mean, Father. Pray for your wisdom be upon me. All these I pray and commit to your hands, in Jesus name.. Amen

FAN: EMAIL FROM A FAN ABOUT DIVORCE, PAIN, & SELF-PROTECTION

However brutal and heart-wrenching divorce is, there is a piece of it that is an essentially hopeful act. I can't speak for all cases, but in my own, when I said no to years of constant neglect, betrayal, and lying, I was also saying yes to a future in which I envisioned something more. I was not only saying no to mistreatment, I was saying yes to the idea that real love might exist out there somewhere, and that I deserved to find it.

I used to wonder why divorced women got these hardened faces and hardened attitudes. I'm starting to learn. They get them from interaction with men. You walk away from divorce wounded, soft, vulnerable, and yet hopeful. And day by day, hope dies. Vulnerability is covered up by walls to guard your heart. Softness is covered by a hard shell because softness (i.e., weakness) is a siren song to the wolves. Your wounds heal, but they form scars. I think if my heart were put under an x-ray machine, it would look like those x-rays of recurrently abused children and battered wives...little white fault lines of repeated injuries that have never really healed.

Don't get me wrong...I've been one of the guys for more years than I'd even like to think about. My best friend, for the last 21 years, has been a guy. No one knows me better or understands more about me than he does. And, I've worked in a predominantly male field for the better part of my life, spending most of my days in the company of men.

So, I know how those guys talked about their idealized woman....she cooked...she was warm, maternal and yet sexy...she was passionate about life...she loved her kids and was a good mom...she was a person of substance...she was intelligent...she was kind...she had her own interests and didn't rely on them to fill every nook and cranny in her life...she was independent...she had common sense. And, she didn't sleep with every tom, dick, and harry. She was holding out for the right guy.

I know this stuff...I've heard it from the insider's perspective.

So, fast forward to my life, now, as a single woman. I can't even say how many guys have bitched and moaned about how bad women are...how they betray them, use them, want them for a paycheck. And here I am...I am all those things that my male friends have always said that they wanted, and in fact, THEY HAVE TOLD ME THAT I AM. Even my ex-husband said the same...that I was a great wife. But of course, that wasn't enough to keep him from following his d**k.

I know now why single women get bitter...it's because every guy we meet, in spite of telling us that they want to meet the ideal woman, really seems to be looking only for the cheap and easy score. And, even when I bluntly and repeatedly articulate to them that I'm not that person, when it comes down to it, their interest in me always seems to come to one thing...sex. I swear, I just don't even want to date anymore.

I wish that men knew that that every time they tell me, through words or deeds, that they just want to get laid, and somehow think I am that person...someone with so little self-respect or value that I will sleep with anyone, or some succession of men, without even knowing who they are, that I feel like they have cut off a piece of my soul.

All of this probably makes me sound like a frigid bitch, when in reality it would be difficult to find a more passionate woman than I am...with the right guy...with someone I love. Sex is inextricably entertwined, for me, with love. I cannot have sex without feeling something, and love is the key ingredient that leads to desire, for me.

So what happened to us, in this culture, that sex has been stripped away from all the metaphysical aspects of it that elevate it from merely a grunting physical act to something almost spiritual? I am not a religious person, but sex with a person you love is so much more than sex. It is poetry and music and dream. It lifts you outside your temporal self and twines your soul around someone else's.

All I know is that I can see myself building these walls of self-protection around my soul where I simply don't care anymore and am not willing to be soft, to risk, to let anyone in just to find out that he's just another prick with one thing, and one thing only, on his mind. I see myself transitioning from a soft, hopeful, vulnerable person to someone who simply doesn't care if she ever dates again or even falls in love.

That soft person is still in there, wanting to give, wanting to love, but increasingly, she hibernates inside a person who just isn't vulnerable anymore.

I suppose this is a necessary change, but it is not a welcome one.

Thank god for my kids. If it weren't for them, I could see myself losing all capacity to love or care.

This morning, driving my son to school, I was overwhelmed by sadness. I reached back and he put his soft little hand in mine and said, "I love you mama." And I thought...for now, at least, this is the only man I need in my life.

And yet...that hope is still there.

a prayer, for all single women, everywhere:

I will not live an unlived life
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom
goes on as fruit.

"fully alive" - Dawna Markova

I want that openness...i want that hopefulness. So tell me how I hold on to that in the face of the reality which is now my life? I don't know.

I just don't know.

FAN: A EMAIL FROM A FAN ABOUT WHY HE CHEAT ON HIS WIFE

I HAVE TO SAY...I CAN TOTALLY RELATED TO THIS GUY'S EMAIL. I HAVE SO MANY PATIENTS AND FRIENDS TELL ME THE SAME THING THIS GUYS DOES . IT ALL COMES DOWN TO TWO THINGS 

-PUSSY ( YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS THAT YOUR PARTNER WANTS YOU TO DO)

-LOVE (SHOW RESPECT, KINDESS, AND APPRECIATION FOR YOUR PARTNER

Hi...I have been reading your blog since the August and I must say that I enjoy reading it. I decided to sent you a email to give you my point of view of why men cheat. I feel that you can understand why...since you love sex...with all your stories and cartoons on your last blog.

So I've had about all I can stand. How is it marriage allows you to take someone sexually hostage? Where the fuck do women get off dictating what is an appropriate amount of sex? You say you just have too much going on and it's not a priority but get your feelings hurt when you get cheated on, sorry not feeling the compassion like I should I guess.

Let me paint a picture. I mostly normal, professional, successful, kind, generous, blah blah blah. I am in my second marriage. The first was as much my fault as hers but one theme that held true was the drastic drop off in sex. What gives?

I have seen the scenario unfold many many times. You meet a guy and you fuck non stop for months. It tapers off but both are feeling pretty satisfied by the quality of sex and both agree that it will always be this way. In fact the guy is assuming this is a cornerstone of the relationship and takes this into consideration when he offers you a huge fucking ring you did nothing to deserve. Am I being to harsh? i don't think so, about 1% of the population of the world has a diamond ring of 1 karat or larger. What makes you so special?

Let me take a different tact, if it costs $8,000 for a ring for 1 or 2 years of pornstar sex so be it, just lay it out there, get it on the table that it's a negotiable contract that comes due every couple years. You agree to be the nasty fuck toy we fell in love with and we will buy you another ring or other appropriate trinket. that's fair isn't it?

But no... it doesn't work out like that. Half a dozen years into your marriage you just don't have time anymore. What used to be a fun quicky on the bathroom counter now is just a pain in the ass. Hmmm where did we go wrong, how did mankind get duped like this? How can we warn the young men who are about to make the fatal mistake of putting a ring on your spoiled finger.

Do I sound bitter? well I guess I do. Let me explain, I'm sure there's more than myself in this unfortunate spot.
My wife of 6 years has had sex with me 12 times this year. Three of the last four times she said "I'm just going to lay here, I don't want to do anything. Just hurry up and get it over with".
The final insult came last week when she said I hate dragging it out, I just want to get my "O" and be done with it. (this takes 5 minutes tops)

I was empathetic for the first six years about how the anti depressants killed your sex drive, I did the research, I recommended the different types that weren't as libido killing as the SSRI's. Enough is enough though.

Let's do the math

5 minutes of sex 12 times a year is one hour of sex per year. ONE FUCKING HOUR...
It used to be one hour or longer each time we had sex when we were dating. WHAT GIVES?

Lets compare that to the 8760 hours in a year. Yes almost 9 thousand hours in a year and you can barely be bothered to fuck for one of them? You should be arrested, you should be fined, you should be publicly humiliated.
Yes, I am being a baby. I totally understand that I am being a raving lunatic.

Why? Because I have tried divorce once. Nevermind that it was financially devastating, life altering, and hell on earth for years. None of that compares to the fact that it forever ruined my relationship with my children, regardless of what you may console yourselves with divorce hurts everyone and no one is better for it unless you are in harms way by staying.

I am so sick of the spoiled, me me me attitude by today's american woman that I could just bite myself.
During the dating phase you told us all your hopes and dreams which mostly consisted of a nice home, kids, a dog, family holidays, vacations, etc.
We told you we liked all that but wanted a car or a motorcycle or a boat to go along with it.

Fast forward half a dozen years. You have all the things you wanted, nevermind the mortgage is oppressive, the activities for the kids cost hundreds of dollars a month, you bitch constantly about how you hate the house you absolutely HAD to have years ago. You have a medicine cabinet full of Paxil, Effexor, vicodin, sleep pills, awake pills, everthing but a fucking horny pill.
You bitch that all your friends have the things you want and you are miserable yet the kids are the best kids in the history of the world, everyone is healthy, you drive an SUV like your friends, you get Starbucks regularly.
WHAT IN YOUR LIFE IS SO HORRIBLE?

Your bored? you don't have your own life? You feel over worked. Don't get me wrong, raising children is the hardest job by far since it rarely affords a break but is it so bad? (Agreed that the kids are so spectacular because of your contstant attention, but if you ignore your marriage it will go the way of a forgotten child too)
You could have been born poor, you could have to work 50 hours a week and take care of the kids, and pay for the mortgage on your own but you don't. Instead you go to play group, you shop, you drive around looking at houses you dream of living in instead of the one you have.

I can see how you don't have any time for sex. I mean after all the guy who sacraficed his own hopes and dreams to finance yours probably isn't worthy of some respect, admiration, and god forbid occasional sex.
(disclaimer time... I know us guys are a pain in the ass to live with that goes without saying)


The moral of the story is that it's just as much your fault as mine that I have taken a lover, she is everything your not. She is carefree, she acts like a total slut because we have an understanding that I prize her above all things for just being her slutty self, not condemning her for it. She doesn't accusingly look at me like I duped her into buying that fucking leper of a house, doesn't tell me that I stole her life from her because she is raising children now.
It is a total vacation from everything you have become.
The funny thing is I would totally be there with you hand in hand praising you instead of her if you would only treat me like a human again. If you would only show the slightest passion, if you would just quit trying to take any possible enjoyment out of life for me and everyone around you then maybe, just maybe we could have a good life.

And please, don't give me the line about the medication and the councilors anymore, it worked for the first six years but it doesn't fly anymore. You came from a good family, you weren't abused, you weren't neglected, you are attractive, funny, kind, sweet at times.

I've saved the best part for last.
I am angry at myself for letting life get here. I should not have loved you so much that I could never say no. I should have not married you so soon, I should have bought all the things I wanted before we married.
Most of all I hate that I am saying these things to a million nobody's in Internet land instead of you. I would, really I would have but we all know what happens when you drink, and you drink a lot these days.


Most of all I can't believe I could be so stupid as to find myself here again. What did I cosmically do wrong? what did I do to piss off God in a past life to deserve this?

I am so fucking pissed off at you for everything, why did you fucking have to fucking be this way? why couldn't you just fucking be sane, why? why, fucking, why? I just want to kick a chair or break a window or something.

WHY?

FANS: SHOULD I MARRY A UGLY GIRL....A FAN ASK

Being brought up my mother and father divorced, and I stayed with my father alot. My dad would always say to me growing up "son when you grow up I want you to marry an ugly woman" I use to laugh at this comment made by my father. I mean who wants to marry an ugly woman? But, now that I'm older, I see my father's point of view. My ex fiancee was drop dead gorgeous, infact she was miss teen for New Mexico back in 1997. What bothered me the most about her looks was the other men. Even though she wore my engagement ring other men would always hit on her, and she would come home and tell me what happend that day, it drove me nutts, I actually had to ask her please stop telling me this everyday. There was always something like competition going on within me, like if I was good enough to keep this woman because so many men wanted her. It's hard to be with a beautiful woman. What do the guys think about this? Should men marry ugly women? At least we know they will stay true   no no my woman never cheated on me, I'm not saying a beautiful will cheat on you, I'm saying for a man it's hard because of the other men who want's her also. This is what drove my parents to a divorce, and I've seen many marriages end because of this. She did throw her looks around. Example:When my ex would get pulled over by a cop she would undo alittle of her shirt to expose cleavage, she had beautiful breast, the best I've ever seen. And, in the seven years we were together, she never ONCE got a ticket. And she's been pulled over many times, she has a heavy foot hehe. Also we went out to buy tires, I was across the street ordering food. And the man at the tire store gave her 50% off, then when I walked in the tire store, he was trying to raise the price back up. She spoke to a Supervisor and got her way AGAIN. There are many other things I could say, but these stand out at the moment. 

I know that she will get hit on, I understood that walking into the relationship, she's hot and there is no doubt about it. However, does this give her the right to come home and give me details about it every single day? I don't think so.. Yes we split up because of HER insecurities, she's a great mother to my baby girl, and a wonderful friend, but her insecurities were far to much to handle on a daily basis. Sure ugly women will cheat, but probably will not have as many opportunities as a hot woman. But, this is off topic, I'm not here asking if a ugly or hot women cheats or not, that depends on the woman themselves. The topic here is if I marry a ugly woman as told to me by my father, then I would not have as many problems in the relationship built upon her appearance. Because, many hot women do let it go to their head, this I also learned through experience, as men also do.

MY ADVICE:
If she is beautiful, you have to expect other guys to be staring at her and paying attention to her. It just depends how she handles their advances. If she is decent, she will let the guy(s) know she is not available. You have to respect her and trust her that she can handle them on her own. Most likely she will ask for your help if the guy doesn't understand the word "No". Of course, there are some meat heads that think they can just muscle you out of the way. Just use your individual persuasion tactics with them.

A self confident, secure man would not mind that other men found his wife/girlfriend attractive. In fact, some (I suspect) would be rather pleased. The savings on speeding tickets and tires is just a bonus!!! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...so even the women you may consider to be 'ugly' will have their admirers... It is up to the woman to tell the guys to back off...and she was definitely telling you about it to get a rise out of you! Good looking people sometimes have low self esteem especially if they don't believe they have much else aside from their looks going for them! So...they have to boost the self esteem at the expense of others....Marry the person you love...that simple...

I think sometimes not so socially attractive people are more beautiful on the inside because they can't just rely on looks to get attention, they work on being genuine and showing their inner beauty. I also think many so called beautiful people are not so beautiful on the inside, like this fiance who seemed to be playing her looks to get you to feel insecure. I know many beautiful women who have had looks be a real detriment to their lives. Men want them for their looks, but feel insecure and treat them poorly. And no matter how good looking you are, it only takes on comment of "Your legs are too short" or "Your nose is too big" given by the wrong person at the wrong time to make them insecure and screwed up. My advice to anyone is be with someone who you are attracted to, on all levels. Often someone who you think is unattractive can suddenly become gorgeous when you see the light that shines from within.

Looks doesn't decide if the person will cheat or not....It all depends on the persons morals. Do not base your happiness on other people If an ugly girl cheats on you she is just as much a troll as if a hottie cheats on you.there are no ugly people btw..just the ones who are ugly inside.If you love someone enough to ask them to marry you, there's a good chance that you're going to think they're beautiful no matter what. At least I'd hope so... have this freaklike recall for the written word although I can rarely remember the authors....

Some look on the outside for a beauty that is true,
But to look deep inside is all you really have to do.
Real beauty is found deep within your heart and soul,
Or at least that is what I was told.
You don't have to have a body built like a brick house,
Or a face prettier than can be,
If you would only take a real hard look at me.
You would find the most amazing beauty of all,
That I keep stored within my heart and soul.

Seriously – it’s more than looks that matter. If your hung up is how she looks, then you may be with the wrong person. You should feel a connection with the person. You should feel like the luckiest guy in the world every morning you wake up next to her. You should never feel threatened by the way she looks – regardless of whether others think she is beautiful or ugly. Its what’s between the two of you that matters.

Attractive women MAKE themselves attractive...and liking men has something to do with that many times...Generally, attractive women like guys more, if only for the reason that attractive people get treated better; although I'm sure you can find MANY exceptions to this...I think the main thing is that you have to have a sense about what the person's about on the inside. Evidently, your fiancee gauged her own self-esteem by the way guys were attracted to her and she really didn't care much about anything else.. maybe because she was shallow, or maybe just immature... incapable of treating guys better than a mirror that talks or something...Vanity will do that. That may have been her story, but there are LOTS of attractive women who aren't like that and don't even care for alot of public attention from men; believe it or not. Conversely, some physically unattractive people have a mean streak from being treated badly for the way they look... and if you go with them just to have someone to feel superior to...and they sense this even if you don't act it; it's going to make them feel even worse. In fact, they might jerk you around just for the sake of saying they could do it. If you're not attracted to the person, you should just leave them alone. It's not good for either of you

There are moral beautiful women and immoral beautiful women, and the same with ugly women. I have to say in my case I would lean towards the average woman. I think you can marry a ugly women that is immoral and she will still run around on you. Obviously, there are guys out there that search out ugly women and lots of them don't care if a women is "taken" or not. To side track somewhat; I used to think there were more immoral men than women until I started visiting the chat rooms when the internet first started out in 1996.........OH MY GOD, I sure hope chat rooms aren't an example of the population of the world. If it is, there is no point in people even getting married, because it seems like both men and women married or not are just out for one thing and it is soooooooooooo sooooooooo sad.

Here is a thought that I have played around with in my mind. What if a jet with a couple of hundred people on board was flying over the ocean and something happened to the plane and down everyone went, but only a man and a woman lived through the downing of the plane?They woke up the next day laying on a beach of a desert island? I believe with all my heart that no matter what, after a few months, they would begin to be attracted to each other. It could be a fifty year old man and a twenty year old woman or even a corpulent fifty year old man and a beautiful twenty year old woman and I bet dollars to donuts it wouldn't take them long and a romance would begin, however when a ship comes, I am also sure that the romance would soon be over even if she came back pregnant. So, you ask what is my thinking? Focus on the heart and not the outside and just hope you made the right choice and if you did, then she will remain true to you, for fifty years.

There are no ugly women....repeat after me..there are no ugly women. Ugly is on the inside where it can't be seen. Ugly is watching a child being beaten or starving in the streets. Ugly is discrimination/racism. Ugly is watching someone you love die. Ugly is one of the most morbid words I know and to use it to describe a woman you love? Everyone is beautiful and unique in their own way they may not be beautiful in the looks department but their personality is what makes us all beautiful there is alot of shallow people out there and it's unfortunate but it's life once you find a women no matter how she looks and she respects you for you and makes you happy you'll know if a women constantly brags about other guys hitting on her there's definitely something to be suspicious about but in the end it didn't work out after all. As it may seem you experienced it yourself you can have the hottest girl in the world but she could have a shallow heart but then you can get the average looking women who have a heart of gold.A woman being ugly is no guarantee that she will not cheat! For one thing, everyone has something that someone else will find attractive. For another, let's face it, women have a much easier time getting laid than men do, and if she wants to cheat, she will find a way. The secret is not to marry an ugly woman, it is to marry a woman that you can trust, no matter what she looks like; and also to be secure enough in yourself to know that you are good enough and she loves you.

I have seen this with my patients time and time again , I had a patient that had problem with women , he loved very beautiful women but he had problems with them , he was so nice they walked all over him , he chose the most ugliest girl he knew , was a good friend , years later he is still happily married and has 3 children , I asked him if he is happy , he answers yes always . His wife inspired and motivated him to be more than a gardener , he is now an airplane pilot for british airways or some airline like that and has small delivery company . This guy is pretty good looking , looks like a young peirce brosnan (spelling) with the muscles of conan . She has a very big nose , small eyes , almost noo boobs or butt, frizzy hair and has very thin lips , she is not horrible but nothing to see for almost any guy. I asked him if he married one of those women that he was really attracted to if he would have been still married , he said he would have been divorced like them . Being the way they were, they believed that life was their game and that they deserved alot more than they could get , they were used to be the center of attention and used to receive life's rewards constantly and get what they want.The ugly woman he said usually were more humble , did not always get what they wanted , they compromised more and accepted what they could get , they were used to having people make not nice remarks to them , they love it when someone is interested in their friendship , especially males , they want the attention other women get and when they get it they are "happy" and appreciative.He learn to love her , he loves her alot and it shows , he is a family guy 100 percent , he says he is one of the fortunate .

FAN: ANOTHER FAN GIVE ADVICE ON GIVING HEAD: "I SUCK DICK LIKE A PORNOSTAR"

Everyone I've ever given head to says its the best they've ever had. Well ladies this is why so try and make your man happy.

1.I LOVE to do it. It absolutely turns me on more than recieving it. I will even feel myselt start to drip.

2.I look up at him while I'm doing it so he knows I'm loving it. You give him the eyes or that "i fucking love this" face. Literally devour him. Act like you can't get enough of his cock.

3.I spend a lot of time licking and sucking his balls while using my hands on him and looking him in the eye... Also--yes I'll perform a "hummer" if you will

4.Of course I SWALLOW.. but I also allow him to pull back, jerk into my open waiting mouth and onto my tits.

5.I always give while on my knees.. He's either standing up over me holding my hair or he might be sitting on the couch. Either way at some point I will take my breasts and wrap them around his shaft and fuck it while I suck his head. This way he also gets to watch your ass wiggling.

6.Yes, I have let him give me a pearl necklace. In that case I lick the cum off of my tits and I have him feed it to me off of his fingers.

7.I'll talk dirty to him a little bit. Tell him I don't want him to cum yet because I'm not ready, or that I love the way his hard cock feels in my mouth.. I take my time--he better be prepared to sit there for at least a half hour probably more.

8.I love to lick and tickle under his balls. THe "taint" if you will. Or I'll use my thumb to apply light pressure in circular motions or going up and down. I'll go lower and lower down to the ass if he lets me. If he's enjoying it, yes I will rim, and yes I have fingered his ass.

9.When I'm getting really turned on, I'll reach between my legs and play with myself in front of him. Then I'll take my soaking wet fingers rub my juice on his head and then suck it off. I'll also suck my fingers clean for him. If its someone I am dating or something then I've even gone so far as to climb onto him.. lower myself.. sit there for about 10 seconds then get back down on my knees and continue sucking.

10.I deep throat. There have been instances where I dont even realize he came because it's so far down my throat. If he gags me I keep going.

11.And its just general technique. I have a very busy tongue and I get him into a great rhythm building him up and slowing down to help prolong and intensify his orgasm. I love to flick my tongue back and forth around his sensitive ridge and all underneath it.

12.I also SUCK his cock head firmly letting it pass in and out of my mouth, so my lips run over him while he fucks my wet mouth.

13.I'll get him nice and wet and use my hand to stroke him in a counter-clockwise motion and then I suck on him going clockwise. The other hand goes to his nipples, balls etc.. but the combined sensations get him so hard.

14.When he's ready to cum that when speed and intensity HAVE TO INCREASE. I bob up and down on him faster and faster and I let him thrust his hips too so I take him even deeper.

15.After he cums I'll continue to suck him slowing down intensity and speed, bringing him down from his orgasm until he stops me because he's so sensitive.


And that is why I give head like a pornstar. No, I am not a slut and I do not have STD's. I'm just a woman who likes to suck cock. Men--there are other women out there like me so don't give up hope if you have never had great head

FAN: A INDIAN FEMALE FAN WRITES TO ME ABOUT LOVE AND MARRIAGE

It seems to me a lot of Indian men want a fair, beautiful, cultured, educated and homely (oops, someone forgot to look up the dictionary or they would have realized that the word homely sometimes means plain or unattractive) girl with a lucrative career. In other words, they are looking for a cross between Sita, Madhuri Dixit and Wonder Woman.

In contrast, what do the women seek? They want a professional with a decent and steady job, preferably with a flat if he lives in a big metropolis like Mumbai or Delhi. These sound like realistic requirements, wouldn�t you say? Once in a while the words handsome, non-drinker or tall appear in the ads. So why aren�t women a bit more adventurous? Why not look for someone dashing, loyal, brilliant and gallant? Additionally, a substantial nest egg and a black belt in karate couldn�t hurt�Ram, Aamir Khan and Superman all rolled into one attractive package. If the males want paragons of beauty and talent for future mates why don�t the women seek the same attributes? Whatever happened to women�s emancipation? Come on, young Indian ladies, this is the twenty-first century! Don�t be shy; show the rest of the world the stuff you are made of.

Back when our early ancestors�i.e., the ones that lived in caves, picked a mate, the criteria were quite simple. At least, that is what I have been told. The men chose women with wide hips and ample bosoms so they could bear healthy children and nourish them effectively. The women picked men with broad shoulders and good sturdy legs so they could hunt and gather and haul the proceeds home on their big, muscular backs. All of the above characteristics were very sound, basic essentials of survival in those times.

So, what happened when they abandoned the caves and came out to sow seeds, harvest grain and settle in man-made structures? Aha, the balance shifted slightly! Suddenly the men wanted a beautiful face and a sweet personality to go with the buxom physique. The women, however, decided to tenaciously hang on to their wide-and-stout-men formula. Of course, mating has come a long way since then. Modern men and women in Western cultures mutually look for beauty, charm, humor, a slim body, educational qualifications, mental superiority and other qualities too numerous to mention.

However, India, like some other conservative countries, has somehow managed to remain mired in the agrarian age. In its strictly male-oriented milieu, to this day, Indian men are adored even when they are less than perfect�bad teeth, no hair, no education, no personality, and no money can be easily overlooked. In fact, such men are allowed the privilege of acquiring the perfect woman by any means they deem fair and honorable�by the way, fair and honorable can include demanding dowry, gifts and life-long servitude.

When an Indian woman looks for one or two redeeming qualities in a future mate she is labeled fussy and irrational. When a male, the king of his castle, insists on a woman of the caliber of a Rambha or an Urvashi, he is well within the parameters of what is considered logical and reasonable.

While many of us were growing up in India we more or less accepted this kind of inequity as the universal law of marriage and mating. What astounds me is the fact that here in the U.S. we still follow this archaic way of finding suitable life partners.

Arranged marriages are a fine and efficient way of bringing about a union�I�m a big fan of those since I was married that way and have been happily married for nearly twenty-nine years. So what if a short woman desires a tall husband with sexy eyes who can also wash dishes and iron his shirts? I say more power to her! An overweight woman should exercise just as much independence as a corpulent man in seeking a slim partner in marriage. The same should apply to educational levels, income levels and any other criteria.

I am not trying to pick exclusively on Indian males here. It just would not be fair. I have to give them credit for seeking a meaningful lifelong partnership, at the very least. Some of the personal ads in American newspapers leave me wide-eyed and stunned. I saw one a few years ago where a married man was blatantly looking for casual sexual encounters in the afternoons�"Afternoon Delight" was what he termed it. To this day I am left wondering if the man received any responses.

When I put on my rose-tinted glasses, I envision a scene in the future whereby we will see a healthy balance between the male and female matrimonial. Side by side with their male counterparts, maybe Indian women will want for a potential mate who is fair, beautiful, accomplished in Bharat Natyam and Sitar, tennis and gardening, home repairs, cooking, sewing and diapering babies. A bit unrealistic perhaps, but it is a beginning, nonetheless.

Even better than the scenario painted above, I have this idealistic dream that perhaps Indian men and women will start to look beyond the outward beauty of a potential mate. Wouldn�t it be heartening to see a matrimonial ad in which a person seeks a soul mate who is kind, humorous, generous, and forgiving, and does not allude to any physical attributes? Here in the U.S. I do see many Indian-Americans stepping outside the traditional mold. It warms my heart to observe couples falling in love and getting married for reasons besides merely beauty and brains.

Meanwhile, from the corner of my eye I notice my husband, my lord and master, gesturing vigorously to capture my attention. He is trying to inform me gently that it is time I stepped down from my slightly opinionated feminist soapbox and made him some lunch. Oh well, I�m a bit embarrassed to admit that my need to the need for culinary talent in my future husband. All I had indicated were basic qualities such as smart, kind and cute�but I must say I managed to snag a man with all those characteristics and more!

FAN: EMAIL FROM A WOMAN FAN ABOUT GIVING HEAD

FELLATIO

Ah, sucking dick. For the penis owner, it's a wonderful thing. For the mouth owner, it can also be a wonderful thing. Getting off and hearing/making somebody get off are both awesome, and when it's done conscientiously, it will be remembered and cherished for many many masturbatory sessions to come. Heh. Come. I just made a pun there.

There are quite a few women, however, that have gone on a bit of a strike against the kind of gleeful and free head-giving days of yore. Often, I am confronted with angry males regarding this, and I always wind up giving the same advice. Here, you get it for free, and it's all anonymous and stuff. Put it into practice, and you'll be GOLDEN.

Boys:
1) Landscape, please. You see, while there are loads of women who depilate their crotchal regions by razor, epilady (*shudder*), hot wax, and Nair, not so many guys do the same thing unless their genitals are on display for the whole wide world to see. This must be stopped. I'm not saying that it should ALL go away, and I understand that shaving one's scrotum is an endeavour NOT to be taken lightly, but a little pruning of the hedges is a really good idea. You see, hair comes out of its follicles at some very inopportune times. Having one of those mile-long pubes stuck to the roof of the mouth waaay in the back of the throat can cause a bit of consternation and there's no beverage in the world that can dislodge that little fucker. Since the lovely noise of "HAAAAUUUUULK!!!! CHHHHHHHHHHHUUUULLLLLLAAAAAK!" tends to be less than sexy (and sometimes shatters the mood), do your part to prevent this type of hairball-horking. You'll find that if you prune the hedges a tad, your Area will get much more attention.

2) Unless requested, do NOT put your hands on the back of your partner's head and push. Ditto that for entwining the fingers in the hair and doing same. We like it when you touch us, and usually our heads are the only thing within reach. Touch our face, grab our hair, whatever you like. The second that you push our heads onto your cock, however, some of us may have flashbacks to Unpleasant Experiences, and it may even be bad enough to cause us to put a stop to that fabulous suckjob you were just enjoying. Granted, if she says she wants you to throatfuck her, you go right ahead. But again, this is a *specific request*. If it is not made, just play nice and enjoy the ride.

3) A little warning, please! When you are going to shoot your load, it is The Law Of The Land that you inform us. If you do not, you risk being fired, being snowballed, or having other unspeakable things done to you. (Also, it is especially important that you do NOT shove the back of our head when you make this announcement. REALLY fucking important. Got it, Chief?) Talk to god or the FSM, say your partner's name in that sexy "oh-holy-shit" voice, but Let. Us. Know. It gives us time to decide if we're going to want it in our mouth, on our tits, in our hair, or shooting across the room to see if you can hit the wall this time. And it's polite.

4) It's NOT a Fine White Wine. A lot of boys talk to me about the fact that nobody ever wants to let the ejaculate in their mouth. "Why not???", they whinge. I'll tell you. The diet of the average penis-owner is fucking wretched, especially should you happen to be American as well. High sodium, loads of red meat and coffee, and just not nearly enough potassium. Your partner won't let you come in their mouth? Do yourself a favour, killer. Next time you're throwing the Spam Javelin and you get some shpoo on your hand, have a nice lick. (This only makes you gay if you lick somebody *else's* blooge, not your own. You're performing a scientific experiment. If it makes you feel better, say out loud in your best Dexter voice, "It's a BEEYOOTEEful day for science!") As a matter of fact, I double DOG dare you to do it. Now, would you want to give a mouthful of THAT to somebody who's being nice enough to you that they're going to suck your dick? Really. So...cut down on the salt intake, go for the chicken for a while, and no coffee. Have some nice pineapple juice, a ham steak, bananas. Potassium is the friend of the semen. If you're lacking, so will your taste be. Instead of the usual Bleach & Oyster Stew, serve up something a little less vile. Your partner will thank you for it.

5) No matter where you came, kiss us afterwards. Unless your partner says, "omg no way lemme rinse first where's the goddamn Listerine???" and starts singing Tarzan Boy as they run to the bathroom, you should be polite enough to give us a hearty Thank You kiss for a job well done. I mean, after YOU get done with US, the first thing you do is come up to the surface and shove your tongue down our throat. Let us do the same to you. Fair's fair.

Girls:
1) How many times do we have to tell you NO FUCKING TEETH ALREADY!!!??? I don't even think I should have to elaborate, but I keep hearing about egregious ignorance of this rule. You don't want somebody to chew on YOUR special bits, do you??? Stop it. It's not nice. You learned in preschool that biting is bad. Now that you're an adult, you should know that not ALL biting is bad, but that biting peepees is still totally against the rules. You don't wish to get a reputation as The Shredder, do you? Then sheathe those fucking things already. Jebus!

2) Testicles. They want your attention. It's RUDE that you don't give it to them. There they are, innocently hangin' there, conveniently placed, and you ignore them??? Now come on. They won't hurt you! They're hearing all sorts of good things about you from their friend the penis. Why are you going to leave them out of your reindeer games??? Give them a little fondle with your hand (y'know, the one that's NOT wrapped around the penis or gripping your partner's incredibly fabulous ass), show them around the inside of your mouth, batter them a little bit with your tongue! See? It's fun! And oh, the noises you'll get out of your partner! Woohoo!

3) Know your limits. If you can't deep throat and you KNOW this, then don't even try to show off. Especially not in a first encounter. It will go very badly. If it's a skill that you wish to learn, and you have a willing study partner, then by all means coat the bed in plastic and go to town! However, it's only polite to NOT attempt those tricks at home that you've seen performed by hardly trained professionals. Gagging is only hot when both people are going for that, and not too many folks are into being puked on. Remember, I'm not talking about pros, here. I'm talking about civillians, people who DON'T give blowjobs for a living. Don't choke on the cock. Stomach acid can sting, and vomiting on an unsuspecting partner is definitely giving more than anyone bargained for.

4) Oh, stop making that face. If you don't want to be giving head in the first place, then you should say so and find another way to get him off. If you encouraged him to come in your mouth, then you are only allowed a slight grimace at the taste as you swallow (and point your face down, please, so he doesn't get a complex about it). After that, of course, you may begin singing Tarzan Boy and run for the Listerine, but until that point, play nice. You wouldn't want him to make a face like that after he'd just eaten YOU, would you? You'd probably go right home and cry, wouldn't you?

5) It's not indestructible. It's a penis. A part of the anatomy. Sometimes it'll have some foreskin, in which case, you need to be REALLY GODDAMN CAREFUL because the head is going to be about a million times more sensitive than the crew-neck brigade, because it's not been rubbed by boxer shorts, jeans, and every other damn thing under the sun. Feel how soft the skin is? It wants to be treated somewhat gently. There's all that blood in there making it swollen, and the nerve endings are on Orange Alert. If he wants something a bit rougher, he'll let you know. Also, you can gradually get more enthusiastic with your ministrations as the BJ goes on, but you should be listening carefully for ANY clue that what you're doing might be painful. If you're not sure what else to do, hum or moan with his cock inside your mouth. It's sometimes called "a hummer" for a reason, and the vibrations are soothing in a lovely sort of way.

BOTH OF YOU: Communication is key. Talk. Tell your partner what you want, or how much you really like what they're doing, or something else you'd love for them to do if you need to distract them from an action that isn't working for you. Look each other in the eye (well, as much as you can from that angle without giving yourself an eyeball cramp). It's hot. Totally.