FAN: EMAIL FROM A NICE GUY

I received an email from a reader of mine today. I'll call him Stuart. Stuart claimed that he'd always considered himself to be a creative person, but that instead of working daily under the guidance of a blissful muse he found himself laboring beneath the strictures of an advertising executive who once confused Gunter Grass with an insecticide -- something like a German equivalent to Round-Up. What had always kept him from fully immersing himself in literary pursuits and becoming the next Hemingway (or, at the very least, Bret Easton Ellis) was that he was a complete failure in my sixth Vice. That is, he had trouble soliciting the favors of young women.

Stuart went on to say that he couldn't quite understand his sexual hardships, as he was not an unattractive, witless, drone like many of the men he found on the arms of estimable women. And he summed up his sad misfortune by quoting from Lawrence Durrell's novel Balthazaar: "Before my love has a chance to crystallize, it turns into a deep, a devouring friendship."

The kid was obviously in a bad way. To be quoting from Durrell's tour de force The Alexandria Quartet (a monumental but largely forgotten masterpiece from the 1950's) indicated that he, like many a creative soul, was far too sensitive for his own good. Stuart then asked me if I'd be willing to offer any advice to those who want to pursue this vice but were lacking the tools -- that his creative success was, indeed, riding on it.

But be forewarned, Stuart and friends, these are hard habits to unlearn. I still occasionally fall prey to some of them.

HABIT ONE: I'LL BE HER FRIEND FIRST
And that will be the end of it. This misconceived habit is probably the leading cause of unwanted celibacy among sensitive men. Yes, we've all heard the stories about how a woman's lover was also her best friend; but the moral is that he became her friend after they became lovers. Rarely does it ever work the other way around.

"But sex will ruin our friendship" is the gut-wrenching feminine line that reverberates through the corridors of every unrequited heart and should have taught the sensitive man long ago the error of his ways. After all, have you ever heard the retort, "But friendship will ruin our sex"?

Though, in some cases, there may be some truth to this.

HABIT TWO: I'D BETTER GO SLOW
Why? So you can give her time to find someone more daring than yourself? This habit usually rears its ugly head when the sensitive man finds himself with a recently dumped girl. "She needs time to find herself, to realize what she really wants" is what he tells himself, failing to consider the fact that there are plenty of guys waiting to convince her that they are what she really wants -- and leaving him to wait for the stories of what asses they turned out to be. Dejected and alone, she'll unknowingly torment him with lines like, "Don't worry; you'll find someone. You're the best guy I know." A sure fire sign that he's been relegated to permanent friendship. Best guy or not.


HABIT THREE: SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED WILL MAKE US CLOSER
But if you're not having sex it won't. If you aren't at least making some passes when you first share the bed with a girl, your ship is never getting out of dry dock. This is not to say that you should force yourself on her, but at least make some innocent passes informing her that you find her sexually attractive. If you don't, you'll just be filling the role of a warm body to replace the loneliness caused by her absent lover. And by no means enter the bed with the preface, "Don't worry, I'll be a gentleman." Maybe that's not what she's looking for. If nervous and in need a tension breaker, try out the Woody Allen line: "You know, love is the answer; but while you're waiting sex raises some pretty good questions." Laughter, after all, is the best aphrodisiac.

HABIT FOUR: I DON'T CARE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Charlie's Fantasy graphic. She wants a man who'll make a decision and not return everything into her court. A guy who'll make plans for the night and be so enthusiastic about them that she'll be excited too. There's a big difference between being considerate and being wishy-washy. If you're indifferent about such simple things as dinner arrangements and movie selections, it doesn't bode well for your prowess as an accomplished bed partner -- one who never vacillates between the varieties of sexual experience that please a woman but who decides and dives in headlong. Even if it is on the shallow end.

HABIT FIVE: I'LL WIN HER HEART WITH FLOWERS AND A POEM
Not unless she's into Renaissance Fairs and Poetry Slams, you won't. Although this habit still finds its way into popular literature, film, and television, it became hopelessly outdated with the arrival of James Dean and Rock 'n' roll. These days poetry is consigned to the lazy sods who never had the giddyup and talent to learn a musical instrument, preferably the guitar. And flowers have been relegated to wives and mothers. But, if you find yourself uncontrollably gripped by old-fashioned romance and "Little House on the Prairie" episodes, be sure to sign your name to the accompanying card. In our day and age, anonymous admirers are usually mistaken for stalkers.

HABIT SIX: I BETTER APOLOGIZE
If you're in the wrong, maybe. But if she's in the wrong, there's no better way of sabotaging your prospects of taking her to bed. Women are bright creatures and they know when they're at fault for something. Admitting it, though, is a different story. Innumerable emotions course through their veins at any given moment, and the reasons for why they might avoid blame are equally varied. Expect contradictions.

You say I contradict myself; so I contradict myself; I contain multitudes!

(a split personality was my opinion). Even so, with the man who is courting her, the reason for a woman's self-imposed innocence of wrongdoing usually lies in her assessing his neediness. There's nothing less attractive to a woman than desperation.

So, take heed, gentlemen, and stick to your guns.


HABIT SEVEN: WOMEN DON'T MAKE PASSES AT MEN WHO WEAR GLASSES
Yes, I stole this one from Dorothy Parker, switching the sexes. But, it seems to me pretty appropos. As a society, we have reached a pinnacle in our distaste for intellectuals -- which our election of George W. Bush surely proves. Glasses, unfairly or not, lend themselves to a feeling of heightened cognitive ability. And most women are in subconscious agreement with Aldous Huxley's statement, "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." (Why would a woman get involved with someone like that?) Do yourselves a favor, gentlemen, lose the glasses and get contacts or corrective surgery. Without those bifocals you can gaze much more easily into the orbs of your loved one, the infamous windows of the soul. Just don't stare too long. That kind of thing creeps them out.