LOVE/ THOUGHTS:SOUL MATE ARE REALLY PEOPLE TOO

 A good friend of my is divorcing her husband because she bought into the lie that God wants us to "be happy" in marriage and freed from her current spouse to find her one, true "soul mate." Like most other people, she has this fantastical, unreal notion that God brings together two lost hearts who experience true compatibility in all the deepest longings of their being. Most people think that your soul mate is someone that you never argue with and spend endless days of hand-clinching romantic walks on the beach with. No hardships, no struggles, just starry-eyed wonder for the next 80 years. The truth is, a soul mate isn't someone you find, it's someone you intentionally and prayerfully become.

Anyone in a successful marriage can tell you that "success" in marriage doesn't come from finding that one person you were meant to be with. It only comes from giving up the selfish behavior that served you while you were single, and focusing on selflessly serving your spouse instead. A happy marriage requires a completely different mindset than the 50/50 concept most couples enter into marriage with. The idea that if I do my 50% and Sabrina does her 50%, we will have a happy marriage is ridiculous. The only way to have a happy marriage is if I take the selfish focus off of myself and put 100% of my energy into serving each my partner and she does the same with me. If I am focused 100% on serving her I don't even realize when my needs and desires aren't being met, because I'm not focused on my needs and desires, but hers.

Nowhere in the Bible does God say anything about soul mates. God gives us the simple details on how to have a great marriage. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Wives, respect your husbands. Both of these are intentional acts of selfless sacrifice that will guarantee us to have a happy marriage.

JOURNAL/THOUGHTS/LOVE: WHAT I LEARNED

I spent most of my time in my late teens and early twenties on finding love, or so I thought at the time. In actuality I was seeking self-acceptance, approval and identity. I was deeply insecure and had a great fear of being alone. I jumped from relationship to relationship, all the while searching for myself. But the act of seeking self-worth through my external relationships took me further from that which I longed.

Whenever I found myself in a relationship, I would drop everything that was important to me and would focus exclusively on the person I was dating. You see, I didn’t respect myself, and I thought that finding someone to love me was more important than anything else. During these time-consuming romantic courtships, I was distancing myself further from my passions, my purpose and my true self.

Looking back, I had entered many of these relationships out of infatuation or loneliness. It was the fear of abandonment or the guilt of obligation that kept me in these relationships. I often got into and remained involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. I would convince myself that no one else out there would love me, and so I settled. Despite my surface appearance, I was deeply unhappy.

My freedom day came in a state of deep depression over unsatisfied relationships and through a growing despise of my gross dependencies on them, a miraculous understanding came to me and I experienced a moment of clarity. At that moment I made a vow to end the pain

It was through the state of despair and depression I was in that the pain I was experiencing helped to nudge me into sudden clarity about what I’ve been doing wrong all these years.  It was an exceptionally exhilarating and liberating day for me.

From that day on, my life has never been the same.  The cycle of destruction had finally come to an end. Sometimes, life can only turn around when you’ve hit rock bottom. The insecurity of not being liked, of not fitting in, of not belonging, of being alone, of not being loved. Through much realization about myself in the past few days, I discovered that I used to have a psychological dependency on men, or the idea of having a man there for me.

In the most extreme sense, it was as if my entire self worth relied on this dependency, on this idea of support. Once that dependency is challenged and uncertainty is added into the equation, I become this insecure little boy, unable to continue. I scramble, I panic, I look for plan B, I start to seek out alternatives, replacements … pads to protect my body from shattering into little pieces should I fall from that balcony of visions that I’ve created.

Visions and fixation, of hope, of ideals, of situations, of longing… all of which I have projected onto this woman who is the current holder of my self-worth and whom I’ve depended on such that I cannot function normally without. In a deeply unconscious state, without knowing it, I’ve asked her to put an invisible leash on my self-worth and my security. As a result, she’s got all of my time, my attention, my heart, and my love and a momentary pause has been placed on my true passions.

I have goals, but in the pursuit of keeping her happy, I set aside my goals and grace her with my attention and time. Deep down, secretly, I feel that without her image around, I will not be able to excel, and that I will not be okay. This of course is a false illusion, but because it’s been deeply buried in my subconscious, I have not been aware of it until now.

With each partner, when their true, ugly qualities re-surface above the perfect image I’ve projected upon them, I abruptly leave and start seeking the next holder of my invisible leash.

Today, I declare to the Universe that with this self revelation, I shall let this go, completely. I do not need it in my life, for it is no longer serving me.

My true self worth comes from myself, my heart, and my perception of my world. I adore myself, I love myself, and I am a wonderful being with lots of love to share.

I am in complete control of my life and my experiences. I gain more security in myself each time I do something that pleases me. I gain when I read wonderful books and learn new things. I gain when I am writing and exploring my feelings. I gain when I re-organize my life (living space, routine, health, goals). I gain when I think about all the wonderful blessings in my life. I gain when I take pictures that capture truth. I gain when I have meaningful conversations. I gain each time I accomplish a goal. I gain each time I think – with absolute faith that – I will always end up in the best possible place no matter what happens. There is something wonderful and valuable from every situation I encounter.

I learned something today:
Love yourself, and love others as if they were me.
Smile lots, and spread joy.
Be truthful, be compassionate, be patient, and be forgiving.
Live with the big heart you were born with.


Problematic Relationship Patterns

Let’s first look at some common relationship problems and why many romantic partnerships do not work out.

1. Ego, Fear, & Emotional Insecurities

As with material possessions or professional achievements, relationships give our ego a method by which to identify who we are to the outside world. The problem is that we attach so much of our identity to the external appearance of our relationships that we lose touch with the parts of ourselves that are wise and conscious. The attachment to this false identity leads to a feeling of desperation rather than fulfillment. After all, without the relationship, or the job, or whichever other false identity we have chosen, who would we be?

Besides the ego identification, it’s easy to develop a dependency on companionship. That independent person that we once were starts to evaporate. Our mind becomes fogged and as our self-identification begins to attach itself to the other person, unconsciously or consciously, we become afraid to lose that person. We become dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness.

Out of our emotional insecurities, we start to become needy and to seek out validation from our partner. So, instead of focusing on thecelebration of love and partnership, it becomes a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.

2. Communication of Needs

Out of a desire to avoid appearing needy and out of a fear of losing our partner, we start to filter what we say. In doing so, we do not communicate our needs clearly, openly or bravely. We somehow become convinced that our partner will magically know what to do to fulfill our needs. When our needs are not met, we secretly blame the other person and begin to resent them. When we are unhappy, our partner will pick up on the cues, and in turn, secretly resent us, thus starting a vicious cycle in the silent destruction of a romantic partnership.

So much of what needed to be said was not said, and bad feelings are bottled up and start to accumulate for both parties. Have you ever had a friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are unhappy about with their partner? Those are the kinds of things they should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.

Worse yet is when one partner openly communicates their needs only to find that the other party is simply not listening, or does not fully acknowledge what was said, or makes them feel guilty for having those needs.

3. Bad Fit and Settling by Default

Deep down, we are all really good people. But this doesn’t mean that any combination of two good people will make a good partnership. There is such thing as a bad fit, and it is okay to admit it.

The best fits are ones where the most important values for both people are met. They must have life goals that align with one another and have a mutual attraction, understanding, and level of respect for each other. Both people must be committed to making the partnership their top priority.

Sometimes, even when we realize that our relationship isn’t a good fit, we justify staying in it with what seem like logical reasons. We may feel that we won’t find another person who accepts and loves us as much as the current partner. Or we may be afraid to be alone, so we simply settle by default. Each time we are reminded of the bad fit, we brush it under the rug and distract ourselves with some other thought.

We may feel that we are doing a service to the other person by staying in the relationship, but in reality, we are hurting them by not being honest with them and ourselves. And we are accumulating bad feelings and bad energy in our inner space.

Who Is Your Ideal Mate?

We all have a rough idea of what our perfect partner is like: beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or petite, or pale, or dark, or handsome, or fit, with this car, or with that house or whatever else that strikes our fancy.

The problem comes when we find ourselves in a relationship and we are constantly comparing our partners with this conjured-up ‘perfect’ person. When that happens, we stop appreciating our partner for all the beautiful qualities they do possess.

The truth is this perfect person does not exist. More importantly, we may not actually need all of these qualities in a partner to beextraordinarily happy.

What we need is to identify the most important qualities that we must have in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled (more on creating a must-have list below). By not having identified the must-have qualities in our chosen life partner, we end up settling, and since the person cannot give us the things we truly need, we start to resent them. This will snowball into larger issues.

For example, if height is something that is really important to you, and your partner does not meet that height requirement, regardless of how much they try, they will never grow taller or shrink shorter, and this will bug you and affect your union.

In life, we will get random results if we have not specified what we want. Identifying and understanding what it is that we need in a relationship, allows us to set clear intentions, and in doing so, moves us closer to realizing our intended desires.

Identifying Must-Haves


Step 1. The Perfect Image

On a blank piece of paper, list out all the qualities that your ideal partner will have. What kind of characteristics and qualities do you truly desire? Be creative and open. Use a bullet pointed list, not sentences. List out as many as possible, and use as many pieces of paper as needed.

Be as specific as you can. Get into details like physical attributes, values, lifestyle, views on money, spiritual beliefs, personality traits, hobbies, abilities, age, habits, profession, tastes, etc.

For physical attributes, include things like height, weight, body type, hair color, ethnicity, or anything that you would want if you had your choice in creating your ideal partner.

Step 2. Minimum Requirements (MR)

Minimum requirements are qualities you need from your partner, and without them, you will feel unwell or unsatisfied.

Go through each quality from step 1 and test it with this question:

“Would I rather be alone than be with a person who wasn’t [insert quality]?”

If the answer is yes, mark MR next to the quality, otherwise, leave it blank.

Don’t worry if your list sounds superficial or ridiculous. One MR item on my list is “Great dancer with rhythm and groove”, which may seem like a trivial or petty quality for some people, but is a deal breaker for me.

Step 3. Screening MRs

Now, filter through the MR list, for each item with the MR label, ask the following question:

“If a person had all the other qualities on my MR list, am I willing to let this quality go?”

If the answer is yes, cross out that MR.

The Selection Process

I believe it is crucial to identify and clearly communicate our relationship expectations and personal timelines early on in the dating phase. So often, we get into relationships with silent expectations of a future event that is important to us, thinking that our partner will come around to it when the time is right, only to find out several years later that things will never work out the way we expected. Some common unspoken issues of this nature revolve around marriage, children, financial goals, and even which city you settle down in.

First, be clear with yourself on these types of issues. Understand what kind of commitment you are looking for in a relationship, how you feel about children and where you plan to live. There are no wrong answers, but be honest and specific about what you are looking for in the current stage of your life.

Next, tell yourself that on all of your first dates, you will be clear with people about your relationship expectations and timeline, if any. It can be a scary and awkward experience at first, but it will become less of a nerve racking experience over time. And just think of all the time and emotional energy you are saving by being open from the get-go, instead of setting silent expectations that can lead to disappointment.

On my first dates with any girl, I found that telling them my expectations was pretty nerve-racking, especially for women I was really attracted to, since they could potentially run the other way. I would begin to tell myself that this would be too much of a shocking conversation for most people to handle on a first date. Why not just wait until date 5 or 6, when I know that she really likes me? The answer is that by then I would have emotionally attached myself to this person and would then be in a situation where I would either have to settle for less than what I wanted, or break it off. It would have been much better to have learned on the first date whether or not we were a good fit.

Personally, I was looking for a wife and to start a family. I would tell them that I wanted to get married within a year. “Are you okay with that timeline?” I would ask them. The men who were okay with my timeline stayed and the ones who weren’t went away. No hurt feelings and everyone wins.

Many of us have latched onto this concept of finding “the one” person out there for us, and so we linger in every relationship that pops up, fearing that we might miss out on “the one”. Think about the fact that there are 6.8 billion people on the planet. Doesn’t it make more sense that “the one” is more likely to be “the one-hundred-thousand”? I genuinely believe that there are a countless number of people out there who will be great fits for us, and it’s just a matter of filtering through potential partners until we find one of them.

As such, communicating your desires, needs and expectations, ahead of time, becomes crucial. For example, if having children is of utmost importance to you and your partner is set against having kids, then likely the relationship will not last and both parties are wasting time in the process.

Dating shouldn’t be about settling out of a fear that a better fit might not come along. I believe that dating is about identifying the qualities you need in a person and in a relationship, and then “filtering” through as many people as it takes until you find someone who possesses all the important qualities that you need.

Have you ever had the experience of shopping for a car, and found that once you targeted in on the exact make, model, and color you wanted, you began to see that car everywhere? From my personal experience, I found that once I became clear with what I needed and expected in a partner and in a relationship, more eligible bachelors who had those qualities started showing up in my life.

JOURNAL/ THOUGHTS/LOVE: TRYING TO FIND LOVE AFTER DIVORCE

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You worry about your ex finding love before you do, you worry about being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well at night.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and wariness. “My ex never liked broccoli. Why the hell does this one eat so much broccoli?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very jarring. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and in dire need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to suffer from a bout of amnesia. You’re going to poke and prod at your lover’s body and be like, “Wait, how do I do this again? How do I love you? I think it starts with us having a moment together in some coffee shop, right?” It’s going to feel scary at first. Falling in love is sort of like riding a bike though. You never really forget.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’ll be a more sane person. Your first love is when you get all of your insanity out. You behave like an insane monster because your mind is freaking out about all these new powerful feelings. By the second time, however, you have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. It’s by no means perfect. The insanity will make a cameo at some point. “Peek a boo. I’m here! Hope you didn’t forget about me!” But you can usually shoo it away after awhile.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you will hopefully have better sex. Do not quote me on this.

The second time you fall in love with someone will still be exciting and you might even talk about moving in together or marriage. It will feel more “adult.” You have no idea what adult love actually is but you think it involves making coffee for each other in the morning and maybe even getting a dog. “This is my dog, Xan. I got him with the second person I fell in love with because that’s what you do! The first person I was in love with would’ve killed a dog.”

The second time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The second time can involve some amazing love.

THOUGHTS: CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

Little A: I was hoping still she would come back and something will trigger in her to contact me.

Big A: You need her for what

Little A: For acceptance. It Outer Homan who want sympathy...not me

Big A: I don't think she will come back. We been doing great...in Florida...relaxing..going to the pool..eating and hanging. You still had  good time without her. It was only when the Lawyer called did you get sad again.

Little A: Yes...because now it seem like she will not come back. The vacation also remind me of our time in Miami.when we dated.

Big A: We will form new memories...with someone else. I love you...and I will take care of you. I know she wasn't all bad...but she made your life stressful. She didn't love you enough to stay and make it work. You need to let go of her..you don't need her to feel safe....I will watch over you. I am your anchor. I love you Homan. I won't let anything go wrong with you.

I am grateful for:

-health

-parents

-sister

-my job

-my car

-my house

-food

-clothing

-eyes

-hearing

JOURNAL: LAST DAY OF VACATION

I feel like crap. I was thinking of my wife.....why did she leave. Got a call from my lawyer.....she put in her net worth. That is what trigger it

THOUGHTS: CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

Little A: why does everyone leave me?

Big A: I am not leaving you

Little A: I am scared..I get frighten...and alone. I will starve and be homeless.

Big A: You won't...i won't let that happen to you.

Little A- i am unable to take care of myself..I don't know how. Where am I going to sleep? Who is going to feed me?

Big A: I will feed you and bath you and you can always sleep with me.

Little A: I am never good enough...that is why everyone leaves me. I am not beautiful enough. Everything I do is always wrong. I am not smart enough. Even mom and daddy said so...all the time to us. We can never get anything right...even the simple thing or big thing. We couldn't get a job without daddy...we couldn't have brought the house without daddy. We couldn't do anything without mom and daddy helps.

Big A: There is nothing wrong with you Homan. I know you always do the best you can. You are who you are..it not like you are lazy. I see you do your best. I see you try not to hurt anyone. I think you are perfect to me. You are so handsome...your beautiful eyes and black hair....always smiling. I love you.

Little A- I can't be myself...i need to fake being someone else. No one like me..when i am me...I have to project a different person.

Big A: You don't have to be anything but yourself with me. I will love you no matter what. Believe me when I tell you this...because it is true.

Little A: Even Laleh thinks she is better than you...and you are older than her.

Big A: Laleh isn't better than you...she is just different.

Little A: Our wife left us...and we were so much better than her in every way possible....looks...money..and family.. What does say about me?

Big A: It doesn't say anything about you. She is making a mistake.

Little Homan: I guess i want affection..or sex because that is how i am preceived as OK. If someone is loving me...then I must be OK...that they want to be with me...that I am not ugly enough to be with.

Big Homan: You aren't ugly. I have seen pictures of you...You are so handsome...very attractive.

Little Homan: You are just saying that.

Big Homan: No i am not...i started to look at pictures and we look OK.

Little Homan: I am trying to be my partner servant so they won't leave me...that they need me.

Big Homan: You don't have to be anyone servant. I will love you when no one will.

Little Homan: Mommy tell me that everything I do is wrong and she just trying to help me.

Big Homan: she has her own issues. She is projecting.

Little Homan: Am I defective? Do i have a defective gene? Because everything I do is constantly wrong!!!!!!!!!

Big Homan: There is no such thing as a defective gene. There is nothing wrong with you.

Little Homan: I am so weak...unable to take care of myself....that is why I constantly need someone.

Big Homan: You need me. You can rely on me. 

Little Homan: I can't trust my decision...i am afraid of making mistake and the being attacked and told that I was stupid and I didn't know.

Big Homan: I will support your decision. You know what is best for both us...you always did. You are so smart...

Little Homan: I am constantly in need of mommy approval and daddy approval. Afraid of their criticism.

Little Homan: I don't feel like doing anything ..but sleep

Big Homan: That is not good for you...you can't hide forever

Little Homan: I just can't believe she left me...All i did was to help her..but she would lie to me constantly. I couldn't trust her.

Little Homan: Another weekend is coming and I will be alone

Big Homan: You won't be alone. I will be with you

Little Homan: I feel lost...abandoned like when I got lost in the department store or in the street one time.

Big Homan: But this time you are not a child...you are with me. I will hold you and talk to you..and take care of you.. You know Homan...she didn't really love you and took care of you...our wife. She won't be coming back again...she wasn't good for us. You know that. Instead of her taking care of us...you had to be adult and take care of her constantly....remember. You were constantly stress out.

Little Homan: You are right...I had to act like the adult with her. But why does my heart beat so fast..why am i nervous?

Big Homan: You been hurt...and you think I will leave you...you are worried....but i won't leave you.. I love you.

THOUGHTS/JOURNAL: THOUGHTS ABOUT MY MARRIAGE

There something happening to me..my wife left and i am unlovable. I failed yet another relationship.

Truth: my wife left me                             False: My wife
left me because I am unlovable.                         She left me over the house

Truth: only my marriage is ending              False: My life is ending

I guess what is brother me is that fact that my wife left me and I find that unacceptable. I am just focusing on my picture of my life.

Being spiritual...i have to believe that everything that happen as it should be. Nothing happens by accident. Right now ..i don't any reason why I must go through this pain..i just don't. It is hard to trust God right now when you are in pain. If i step out of my ego and trust the universe....i would feel better. Why is this happening to me....why am
I being mistreated.
My life shouldn't be like this...I am suppose to be married like everyone else and have kids..and not I am left behind. I am spending all my energy to try to change the outer reality of my life. When we're attach to something...we resist any outcome different from the one we want.

I keep telling myself...this can't be...this is unfair...this is not what is supposed to happen to me. This is not how I planned my life...it's not suppose to look this way and feel this way.

I have to believe that God has my happiness in his or her heart. Although I feel alone...i am part of whole world. I am like a wave of the ocean of GOD.I have to trust that there is a greater plan for me and it will unfolded in time.

You can't force someone to love you if they don't. You can't for someone to be with you if they don't. Everyone has the right to do what they want. I can't force my wife to come back. You can't make someone be honest with you when they want to lie.

I have to let go of this....

What am i resisting in my life? I am resisting being on my own...and be independent.

What am I afraid of? Being homeless and not loved and alone

What will happen If i surrender to this situation? I will have to start cooking for myself, I will be unable to save money, I will have to sleep alone..., i will have to start all over again and date.

Who is getting hurt? ME

What obstacles need to be removed before I can surrender? I guess..my fear that I am unable to handle being alone, that I will die if i am alone, that I don't have the skill to survive...that I will have to work more and do more instead of resting.



The positive things:
-I don't have to take care of her
-Stress level is down
-I don't have to deal with someone who lies to me
-I don't have to deal with someone who doesn't listen to me.
-I have more time for myself


I guess if I let go....and surrender...i will be face with something I can't handle. I have been living in fear...and have constant anxiety. I need to get to the bottom of this: What am i afraid of?

fear of the unknown
fear of doing without
fear of the future...the uncertainty.

1-I will never get married again and I will be alone forever.
2-I will never have a family of my own
3-I will have to start dating again
4-I will be unable to take care of the house myself
5-I am unable to feed and cook for myself.
6-I the clinic close...i don't have a support system
7-I have to start paying for my health insurance
8-I will be unable to save money


If all of my fears came true what steps do i need to take:
1-get on dating sites online
2-learn how to cook online and get cook book
3-if i lose my job...rent the house and use some of the money to rent
an apartment
4-Start saving....

JOURNAL: REFLECTION OF MYSELF THAT I HATE

When I got married..i blamed my wife for everything. I was the good guy and she was the bad girl. We are all one. You are within me. When I see someone being generous...i would think I am generous.But when I see someone be angry, selfish, or lying....i would think that isn't me..but the things is ...every quality that exist in another person..also exist in me...even though I might now express that trait at the same moment under the same circumstances...i would probably display some version of the same behavior in another time and place. You contain everything you see in others. All that i see and conceive is  reflection of my inner world. Every emotions i have ...there is opposite.

When I point the blame to my wife...i became powerless. Everything I love and everything I hate is simply a mirror of my internal self and enables us to stop projecting the unwanted and disowned aspect of myself to others. Since we can't see ourselves by ourselves, we are creating a reflection in others. The outer world is a mirror. When i see your kindness ...i see mine..when I see your angry...i see mine. But when you see qualities in your partner that you hate...you are seeing parts of yourself that you have buried away. If you wife lack integrity..and it upset you...it is because you can't be with your own lack of integrity. You are either denying it or hiding it or suppressing it. But it is the quality that pisses you off the most is the quality that is unhealed...that has energy. The only way to heal this reaction is to unhealed part of yourself.

We draw people in our lives to see the part of ourselves that we denied. Instead of accepting our disassociated part, we project these qualities onto our partner.

quality my wife had:
-lie
-be inconsistent
-abandonment
-not listening to me
-selfish

quality my parent have
-lie
-be inconsistent
-abandonment


So here come that hard part...do you love yourself when you lie...or when you are inconsistent or selfish? When you say "I'm not like that"...it means you are.

I am selfish
I do lie
I am inconsistent


You have to see the gift that selfish and lie.

JOURNAL:MY FIRST POST

Today I went on a date...it didn't got well. Once again..a woman said that she was ready for a relationship and get married and have kids.....wasn't ready for me. But guess what...I am not upset. It;s her loss. I am moving on with my life. It been over two months since my wife left me. I notice that the med. are helping me. I am at the house on the weekends now. A big step.

JOURNAL/THOUGHTS: WHY I WRITE

I write erotica the way I do because I am sharing the inner emotions of the erotic in my heart and mind and in my experience. The essence of my expanded awareness exudes from those words…even though they are baudy or explicit. That grabs you. I know it does. So…you become curious on some level and then you keep reading. You can’t help yourself. *naughty grins*

I write posts on how spirituality, relationship and life experiences effect my bliss. I do that because I need to express this joy the same way a person who loves to sing uses their voice to express something important to them. I write like its a song to me. I sit here and I let the thoughts and emotions of the moment flow out of me. Sometimes that’s silly and succinct, like yesterday’s post. Sometimes its just a bit of fluff like the stumble upon posts. Sometimes it just really deep stuff. Sometimes its intensely erotic. I let the words come as the spirit moves me…and I try to give those I love enough privacy while carrying on with my writing purpose.

My purpose? It is to heal and to teach and to help others expand their awareness. It is to share love. Because that’s the most basic message of what I write. I am exploring and expressing my joy in loving and in living. Simple as that.

THOUGHTS: THIS NEW YEAR: THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR

You didn't go to sleep hungry last night.
You didn't go to sleep outside.
You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning.
You hardly broke a sweat today.
You didn't spend a minute in fear.
You have access to clean drinking water.
You have access to medical care.
You have access to the Internet.
You can read.
You have the right to vote.
Some might say you are rich, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

JOURNAL

Today was good day. I feel reflesh. My mind is more relax. I was exhausted yesterday. I had to take another nap in the morning, but after i did, it was like my mind was clean. I notice the difference. I was able to sleep that night as well. Some night when I try to sleep, there seem to be a wall in my head that won't let me go to deep sleep. It might be I am tense. I am tense. Always worried. My muscle is most tense in my neck.

I developed an abcess under my left arm pit. I been putting heat compression on there. I will never shave my armpit again. I learn my lesson. This might be another expression of my mental state.

I worry that I might repeat myself over and over again in my blog....but so what?

I finish uploading alot of my audio books in Google music.

I went to a boat ride last Friday. It went around the city under all the bridges in the city. I was exhausted.

So, I worry. I worry about my parents dying. I try to enjoy every moment with my parent every weekend. I love them. I love them so much.

OPRAH FINAL SHOW...GOOD BYE OPRAH

I can’t deny that I have enjoyed her show. Oprah has managed to stay real by allowing her viewers to see her struggles: Her abused childhood. Her weight. Her early struggle to gain the confidence to succeed in TV. Her messages are generally universal in nature and empowering—find your inner spirit, forgiveness is empowering, believe in the power of redemption, and so forth. But it’s more than that, too.

As I was watching the celebrity-filled United Center send-off—yes, the celebrity shows are fluffy, but you have to admit it’s cool to see the range of celebrities who came out for her farewell—it occurred to me: there is no other show which has her capacity for social impact.

As they showed people—mostly women and children, but definitely men as well—from around the globe who have been touched by this show, it became clear to me what her departure from the stage will mean.

What other show has the capacity to put someone on screen, and almost instantly raise awareness of an issue to that degree? What other host has the leverage to get major corporations to donate hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars, to her specific causes? Who else can effect change so quickly and dramatically?

More than the celebrities, or the screaming women receiving free gifts, is the commitment to use her platform to improve the world. To speak out against abuse. To fight hunger, spread literacy, and provide a voice to others who felt they had none. To recognize so clearly that there were viewers at home who would identify with those on stage, who struggled with the same issue, and who might just use that particular episode as a lifeline to keep them afloat.

The key principle of her show, she tells the audience frequently, is intention. The good she has done with her fame and fortune is massive. Whether it is building a school, or giving away her favorite things, she is leaving a legacy of excellence and generosity. (Don’t you know how much I would have liked to be in the favorite things audience...screaming and head exploding like all the rest?) She has allowed herself to be known, glamorous one minute and flannel pajamas the next, and let us see her without makeup. She has built an audience so loyal that she seldom had to worry about ratings, but she vowed to present shows that had value for the viewer and she has done that extremely well. And let’s not forget that she got people to read and made a lot of authors’ careers.
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Yes, I will miss her. I will miss her like a dear friend with whom I can laugh and cry. I have come to love her humor, her passion for her dogs, her straight talk and her intention to live her best life. I wouldn’t mind trying to live her best life – but I will continue to try to live my best life as well as I can. She has inspired that in me, and for that I admire and thank her. She will no doubt surprise us with her next chapters.

 Just like Mary Hart...I will miss Oprah. Little by little....my childhood is going. The world is so uncertain....what is happening.

~ ~ ~ ~

As Oprah’s show has wound down, one specific episode really struck me.

When I heard that James Frey, the now infamous author of A Million Little Pieces, was going to be on her show again in the final weeks, I couldn’t believe it. How could she give that guy who lied in his book, and then presumably profited even more from the controversy, more publicity? I hate when people profit from bad behavior—see the financial collapse of 2008—and was upset that Oprah would give him this platform again.

(If you were absent from Earth and missed the James Frey controversy a few years ago, click here for a summary, or click here for the transcript of the January 2006 interview in which Oprah scorched Frey.)

But I watched the latest James Frey interview.

And it was riveting.

For starters, Oprah was much more low-key than she was when Frey came back to her show during the heat of the controversy in 2006. Back then, she tore into him for embarrassing her and deceiving her readers; now, sitting in a quiet hotel meeting space, with no studio guests, both Oprah and Frey were reflective on what happened. They both reflected about that famous day on her show, how the whole situation came to be, about all of it.

Interestingly enough, neither watched the show after it was first broadcast; Frey still hasn’t. (I wouldn’t, either; if there’s only pain and negativity in the rear-view mirror, take the lessons you need to get out of it and just look forward.)

He acknowledged, when asked, that he was not aware of the lion’s den he was about to walk into that day, that the producers had not told him the details in advance. Oprah then asked him essentially the same question in different ways at multiple points throughout the interview: Did he feel ambushed by the questions she asked him that day? Did he feel it was unfair? Was he upset afterward?

Every time she asked, his response always came back to this:

“Whatever happened that day, I brought on myself.”

He said it not in a diplomatic-but-quietly-I’m-upset kind of way, but in a way that suggested he really meant it. He did not communicate any feelings of anger over what happened, never once expressed displeasure with her producers for not preparing him.

So why did he come back that day, even when his attorneys advised him not to, telling him that he would expose himself to lawsuits and more?

“I came because I think I owed it to you to come,” he told Oprah. “When this was all happening, I kept saying to myself, ‘How did you arrive at this? How did you do this?’… I knew that what happened was my fault. I created that mess, I created that situation. And that if I had to come bear the responsibility of what I had done, that I should do it.”

Wow. I was stunned as I watched that.

We live in an age where we teach our children, and teens in particular, to make good decisions, to take responsibility for their actions. Yet all around us we see the opposite. We see athletes who get caught cheating yet continue to lie. Politicians who get caught yet continue to deny. People who simply refuse to say, “I made a mistake,” or more importantly, “I’m sorry.”

Frey did none of that. Over and over, he simply said it was entirely his fault. He explained that shifting the book’s genre to memoir would make the story more inspiring and thus increase sales. Once the book took off and was chosen for Oprah’s book club, things had spun out of control and there was no turning back. But all of that, he said, was on him.

Oprah, for her part, also expressed regret. She acknowledged the criticism she received after that show, that people said she judged him too harshly. Now, looking back, she said what people saw that day was a lack of compassion, for which she apologized to Frey. Also impressive.

I love stories of redemption. But more than that, I love stories where people take responsibility for their behavior and try to make things right, especially if it leads to the repair of a relationship. It’s so simple, so obvious, yet so rare.

I am leaving for CME this week. Thank God....I do need a break from work. These past few days I been sick with a cold. I need to relax more

IT WAS 30 YEARS AGO ......(PRINCE WILLIAM WEDDING)

I remember Princess Diana wedding about 30 years ago. I was just kid. God...how time has pass by. I still remember that day...we used our VHS recorder to record the wedding.

I woke up 4:45 this morning and got to watch part of the wedding because I had to go to the city to see a doctor. I am happy for Prince William