We've seen each other once and yet I can picture you so clearly,
deep down in the mist of my soul I feel you here with me.
Each time we talk together on the phone,
and share our fantasy thrill,
I bond together with you more but I don't know if it's real.
I don't want to rush into something that
I'm not to sure could be and be disappointed...
if your feelings are different toward me.
So I continue to wonder and build up this lust,
(or is it love?) I have for you,
and carry on the conversations that we've carried on before.
And hope that someday soon, one of us will score.
2
You have taken the winds away from me
With words that calmed the storm of my life.
You brought me within the proximity of your reach
And smoothly chased the solitude away.
An unbridled passion, adorned with golden dreams,
Replaces loneliness my mind has long forsaken.
And being condemned to missing knowledge of life
The knowledge of your love redeemed the loss.
Then my heart, like the eyes of an eagle,
Truly, passionately seeks and finds you.
Doubts, anyway, aren?t a comparison to my strong love
For you're the only anchor of my soul.
3
I've been watching you
I lack the courage to tell
Never had a chance
to show you how I feel
I've been eyeing you
wishing you'll one day be mine
A secret kept
deep in my heart I dream about you
See you walk down the street
keeps my temperature rising high
Gradually losing my mind
for keeping this secret in my mind
This love is growing strong
can't get you out of my head
Your rescue I aspire
telling me you feel the same way too
Mountains of lust
fantasy stronger than a crush
Wilderness of pleasures
ecstasy of love fills my heart
Wish you had a clue
multitude of feelings burning in me
You're changing me
the secret crush...is crushing me.
4
To live is to long for, and I long for you
Look in my eyes and you'll see,
they will be my truest measure of myself to you
for my mouth, can hide
as well as yours, words of fire that only burn.
yet your eyes are as deep as the ocean blue
reflecting the starlight upon its surface
with sparks of etherial beauty, every now and then
like an angel of light, lost in this world that isn't true
and your hair gleams with the subtle warmth of a golden sun
with a wild streak or redness that burns for fun
as subtle as an autum dusk setting into night.
And every now and then, when my eyes see you near,
a warm flutter strikes my midchest
but when you turn your head and glance at the rest
my flutter turns into a restless flame
for now I can surely, know to myself
my feeling to you, are above the best.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Saturday, July 26, 2014
LOVE: SHE WAS A STUNNING MYSTERY
I admit,I was afraid to love.Not just love,but to love her.For she was a stunning mystery. She carried things deep inside her that no one has yet to understand, and I, I was afraid to fail, like the others. She was the ocean and i was just a boy who loved the waves but was completely terrified to swim.Her eyes carried a certain kind of silence that begged to be understood and i felt as if i was a scientist, staring with eager, feverant eyes into galaxies that have not yet had the chance to be named' “It's funny. No matter how hard you try, you can't close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what's going to come in. But when it does, you just have to go for it! Because if you don't, there's not point in being here.
Every step you take, a million doors open in front of you like poppies; your next step closes them, and another million bloom. You get on a train, you pick up a lamp, you speak, you don’t. What decides why one thing gets picked to be the way it will be? Accident? Fate? Some weakness in ourselves? Forget your harps, your tin-foil angels—the only heaven worth having would be the heaven of answers
People speak of fate and meetings of chance. Finding of soul mates and love at first glance.
Alignment of planets. Shooting stars up above. Fullness of the moon and pairs of white doves. I've never taken stock in these symbols and signs. But having met you proved I'd been blind. Poets write of hearts eternal devotion. Flames of desire and new found emotion. Love ever lasting a lifetime of bliss. Heaven here on Earth the passion of a kiss. I've never found valid these words foolishly penned. then you graced my presence and proved me wrong again. Singers sing of heartache and the one that got away. Internal emptiness pain that still remains. Missed opportunities the hollowness of night. Paths that never cross timing that wasn't right. I never dreamed those songs could ever ring so true. Until I thought of life without ever knowing you
I need a soul mate so that I can be who I am, naked. I want there to be someone who picks up my heavy, bleeding heart and takes it somewhere safe and warm.
The problem about cutting out the best of your heart and giving it to people, is that 1. It hurts to do that; and 2. You never know if they are going to throw it away or not. But then you should still do it. Because any other way is cowardice. At the end of the day, it's about being brave and we are only haunted by the ghosts that we trap within ourselves; we are not haunted by the ghosts that we let out. We are haunted by the ghosts that we cover and hide. So you let those ghosts out in that best piece of your heart that you give to someone. And if the other person throws it away? Or doesn't want it to begin with? Someone else will come along one day, cut out from his/her heart that exact same jagged shape that you cut out of your own heart, and make their piece of heart fit into the rest of yours. Wait for that person. And you can fill their missing piece with your soul
I know it’s unexplainable because I barely know you, but being with you makes me feel good inside and happy. I’ve never had that. When I see you, I feel like I’m home. Like we’re pieces of a puzzle that have finally come together. And . . . and I think being happy isn’t about the big moments, like when you graduate from college or get that job you’ve been wanting. It’s the small moments that take your breath away and make you truly happy, like the first time you see your newborn’s face or . . . or when you meet someone who could be your soulmate
Every step you take, a million doors open in front of you like poppies; your next step closes them, and another million bloom. You get on a train, you pick up a lamp, you speak, you don’t. What decides why one thing gets picked to be the way it will be? Accident? Fate? Some weakness in ourselves? Forget your harps, your tin-foil angels—the only heaven worth having would be the heaven of answers
People speak of fate and meetings of chance. Finding of soul mates and love at first glance.
Alignment of planets. Shooting stars up above. Fullness of the moon and pairs of white doves. I've never taken stock in these symbols and signs. But having met you proved I'd been blind. Poets write of hearts eternal devotion. Flames of desire and new found emotion. Love ever lasting a lifetime of bliss. Heaven here on Earth the passion of a kiss. I've never found valid these words foolishly penned. then you graced my presence and proved me wrong again. Singers sing of heartache and the one that got away. Internal emptiness pain that still remains. Missed opportunities the hollowness of night. Paths that never cross timing that wasn't right. I never dreamed those songs could ever ring so true. Until I thought of life without ever knowing you
I need a soul mate so that I can be who I am, naked. I want there to be someone who picks up my heavy, bleeding heart and takes it somewhere safe and warm.
The problem about cutting out the best of your heart and giving it to people, is that 1. It hurts to do that; and 2. You never know if they are going to throw it away or not. But then you should still do it. Because any other way is cowardice. At the end of the day, it's about being brave and we are only haunted by the ghosts that we trap within ourselves; we are not haunted by the ghosts that we let out. We are haunted by the ghosts that we cover and hide. So you let those ghosts out in that best piece of your heart that you give to someone. And if the other person throws it away? Or doesn't want it to begin with? Someone else will come along one day, cut out from his/her heart that exact same jagged shape that you cut out of your own heart, and make their piece of heart fit into the rest of yours. Wait for that person. And you can fill their missing piece with your soul
I know it’s unexplainable because I barely know you, but being with you makes me feel good inside and happy. I’ve never had that. When I see you, I feel like I’m home. Like we’re pieces of a puzzle that have finally come together. And . . . and I think being happy isn’t about the big moments, like when you graduate from college or get that job you’ve been wanting. It’s the small moments that take your breath away and make you truly happy, like the first time you see your newborn’s face or . . . or when you meet someone who could be your soulmate
DATING: THE DATING SCENE IS SCREWED UP
How many men have ever felt hot ? Ever felt wanted by women ? Ever felt desired by women ?
Apart from the top 1% of guys...99% of men are oblivious to women.
The reason being is because most men can never compete with women in terms of desirability. Women are FAR more appealing to men, than men are to women. Whereas men, if they aren’t gifted with stellar good looks, need some sort of external display of success to get any type of love from a woman. It’s an imbalance that causes death and suicide in many men in this society; because without money or status, most men can never hope to ever get love from a decent woman in this society.
Notice that I said DECENT right ? When I say decent, I am talking about the kind of woman that you can marry: Chaste, In good shape, with a pleasant personality. These women drive a hard bargain in this society
Most men will NEVER know what it is to have a beautiful, high-quality woman, and most have just given up trying. Most women can never make up their mind as to what they want until they aren’t worth a damn themselves. Women know that men have a hard time finding mates in this society, and play their options to the fullest. Hell, in this society, even a damn average woman thinks that she’s a dime-piece deserving of the finest of men…Pathetic.
The problem is that too damn many women think this way, to the point where they think that they can SNUB men who are TRULY on their level. Most women have no clue as to what level they are on because men will F**K anything
Not because we want to
WE HAVE TO !!
Women have starved the supply of sex out to only the chosen few.
There is no balance and all, and many men in this society suffer for it. Like I said, the worst travesty in this society was giving women absolute power in the mating game, because by doing so, most men will never know what it is to even experience love from a woman; as women have far too many options, and the men have far too few. Therefore, the men have to take what they can get in order to have companionship at all.
My advice to other men who may be reading this : In order to combat this rampant problem, you better make yourself into an island, one that isn’t dependent on anyone else for companionship but YOU. Because, if you allow yourself to become solely dependent upon a woman for love, you will find yourself in a pine box.
-OKCupid: Women consider 80% of men to be below average attractiveness
-CNN's interview with Lori Gottlieb
Gottlieb: ... I did talk to hundreds of men and women, single and married, for this book, in addition to the researchers and scientists. Talking to men was eye-opening. Men and women were asked, if they [had] any deal-breakers for going on a second date, what would those be? And men named three. If she's cute enough ... warm and kind ... and interesting enough to talk to, she gets a second date. Men are not going, "Am I going to marry her?" Men are like, "Do I want to spend another two hours with her?"
CNN: How did women respond?
Gottlieb: Women named 300 things that would be deal-breakers for a second date. We're talking a second date, another two hours with the person.
WHAT THE FUCK?
-Women want "jerks", "bad boys", etc
There's plenty of research showing that women find strong, confident, high-status men to be more attractive. One of my favorite examples is this study out of the University of Liverpool.
We gave to male participants either an aerosol spray containing a formulation of fragrance and antimicrobial agents or an otherwise identical spray that lacked these active ingredients. Over several days, we found effects between treatment groups on psychometric self-confidence and self-perceived attractiveness. Furthermore, although there was no difference between groups in mean attractiveness ratings of men's photographs by a female panel, the same women judged men using the active spray as more attractive in video-clips, suggesting a behavioral difference between the groups.
-The culture at large is uncertain about what it wants from its men. We give a lot of mixed messages. We say, on the one hand, that fathers are so important. At the same time, we say that fathers are optional. Many women seem to want men that are confident and have a strong sense of themselves. At the same time, they are put off by too much masculine, authoritativeness. I think a lot of men react to these mixed signals by retreating into themselves, becoming passive and reluctant and often waiting for women to make the first move.
A lot of men are frustrated at the seemingly impenetrable wall of finding the love and intimacy they desire and have just decided that it's not worth the effort any more. They don't have the confidence/knowledge/experience to attract women, because all their lives they were given the really bad advice "just be a really nice guy, treat her like a princess. Its been my experience that its just endless frustration for the off chance that you might get lucky and find someone who is realistic with their expectations. the fact that hookup culture generally only benefits the top 30% of males. This is a clear indication of how a large portion of the male population is being discriminated against and subsequently being left behind, which shows an obvious pattern of unrealistic expectations. It also shows how women are essentially able to "trade up" in terms of men of higher physical attractiveness and socioeconomic status.
The truth is, without the need for a beta provider male nowadays, most women can party it up in their 20's and enjoy life without having to worry about settling down, until their looks start to decay aroud 30.
Have you heard of the Lorenz curve? The same thing is happening in the sexual marketplace as is happening in the economic marketplace. The rich are getting richer. Women have less and less need for the bottom of the totem pole betas.
It kind disgusts me that this is the case. We're basically telling an entire generation of beta males(arguably a significant portion of the male population), that they're basically worthless. I dread to see how this will affect society in later years.
Woman have now acquired a taste for alphas, and, while alphas might fuck them, they're not going to marry them. A woman in her 20s can screw above her weight class, by making it obligation-free, but she cannot marry out of her league.
Women mistake the casual sex market for the relationship market. In the causal sex market, women have inflated value, because more guys want NSA hookups than women do. In the marriage market, no such factor exists.
So a woman who is, say, a 5, can ride a steady train of 7 and 8 cock throughout her twenties, but when she hits 32 and decides her ovaries want a baby, the 7s and 8s aren't even returning her calls. They are either married to female 7s and 8s, or they are banging 5s and 6s younger than her (like, still in their twenties).
Male erections are common, and therefore cheap. Male commitment is not common, and therefore not cheap.
But women, rationalization hamsters busily spinning in their little rationalization wheels, are unwilling to acknowledge that the commitment market and the sex market are different markets.
Therefore, when they hit 30, they will either insist on males as self-assured, successful, and /or socially dominant ("alpha") as they are used to, and wind up "forever alone"... or they will lower their standards eventually.
But when they do, they will find that even the betas aren't biting. Many betas, burned repeatedly, will either learn to imitate alpha traits to the point that they make themselves more attractive and can get better women in the commitment market and/or steady action in the hookup market. Others will have sworn off relationships altogether. Still others will have married import girls from Thailand, or the Ukraine, or the Philippines, or other cultures where women haven't been spoiled rotten.
In any case, women are going to find that, for the 35-year-old versions of themselves, there is a desperately short supply of commitment-ready cock.
In the language of economics, the vagina bubble is starting to burst. The market in vaginas is about to crash. If you are invested in one, sell now. If you own one, get readily to pay for your own damn food, and suck a lot of cock.
It dawned on me yesterday how much I hate dating. It’s basically conducting interviews with a person who, for whatever reason, seems to be interviewing you for a similar position. I interview enough people on a regular basis as it is, I don’t need any more work.
Apart from the top 1% of guys...99% of men are oblivious to women.
The reason being is because most men can never compete with women in terms of desirability. Women are FAR more appealing to men, than men are to women. Whereas men, if they aren’t gifted with stellar good looks, need some sort of external display of success to get any type of love from a woman. It’s an imbalance that causes death and suicide in many men in this society; because without money or status, most men can never hope to ever get love from a decent woman in this society.
Notice that I said DECENT right ? When I say decent, I am talking about the kind of woman that you can marry: Chaste, In good shape, with a pleasant personality. These women drive a hard bargain in this society
Most men will NEVER know what it is to have a beautiful, high-quality woman, and most have just given up trying. Most women can never make up their mind as to what they want until they aren’t worth a damn themselves. Women know that men have a hard time finding mates in this society, and play their options to the fullest. Hell, in this society, even a damn average woman thinks that she’s a dime-piece deserving of the finest of men…Pathetic.
The problem is that too damn many women think this way, to the point where they think that they can SNUB men who are TRULY on their level. Most women have no clue as to what level they are on because men will F**K anything
Not because we want to
WE HAVE TO !!
Women have starved the supply of sex out to only the chosen few.
There is no balance and all, and many men in this society suffer for it. Like I said, the worst travesty in this society was giving women absolute power in the mating game, because by doing so, most men will never know what it is to even experience love from a woman; as women have far too many options, and the men have far too few. Therefore, the men have to take what they can get in order to have companionship at all.
My advice to other men who may be reading this : In order to combat this rampant problem, you better make yourself into an island, one that isn’t dependent on anyone else for companionship but YOU. Because, if you allow yourself to become solely dependent upon a woman for love, you will find yourself in a pine box.
-OKCupid: Women consider 80% of men to be below average attractiveness
-CNN's interview with Lori Gottlieb
Gottlieb: ... I did talk to hundreds of men and women, single and married, for this book, in addition to the researchers and scientists. Talking to men was eye-opening. Men and women were asked, if they [had] any deal-breakers for going on a second date, what would those be? And men named three. If she's cute enough ... warm and kind ... and interesting enough to talk to, she gets a second date. Men are not going, "Am I going to marry her?" Men are like, "Do I want to spend another two hours with her?"
CNN: How did women respond?
Gottlieb: Women named 300 things that would be deal-breakers for a second date. We're talking a second date, another two hours with the person.
WHAT THE FUCK?
-Women want "jerks", "bad boys", etc
There's plenty of research showing that women find strong, confident, high-status men to be more attractive. One of my favorite examples is this study out of the University of Liverpool.
We gave to male participants either an aerosol spray containing a formulation of fragrance and antimicrobial agents or an otherwise identical spray that lacked these active ingredients. Over several days, we found effects between treatment groups on psychometric self-confidence and self-perceived attractiveness. Furthermore, although there was no difference between groups in mean attractiveness ratings of men's photographs by a female panel, the same women judged men using the active spray as more attractive in video-clips, suggesting a behavioral difference between the groups.
-The culture at large is uncertain about what it wants from its men. We give a lot of mixed messages. We say, on the one hand, that fathers are so important. At the same time, we say that fathers are optional. Many women seem to want men that are confident and have a strong sense of themselves. At the same time, they are put off by too much masculine, authoritativeness. I think a lot of men react to these mixed signals by retreating into themselves, becoming passive and reluctant and often waiting for women to make the first move.
A lot of men are frustrated at the seemingly impenetrable wall of finding the love and intimacy they desire and have just decided that it's not worth the effort any more. They don't have the confidence/knowledge/experience to attract women, because all their lives they were given the really bad advice "just be a really nice guy, treat her like a princess. Its been my experience that its just endless frustration for the off chance that you might get lucky and find someone who is realistic with their expectations. the fact that hookup culture generally only benefits the top 30% of males. This is a clear indication of how a large portion of the male population is being discriminated against and subsequently being left behind, which shows an obvious pattern of unrealistic expectations. It also shows how women are essentially able to "trade up" in terms of men of higher physical attractiveness and socioeconomic status.
The truth is, without the need for a beta provider male nowadays, most women can party it up in their 20's and enjoy life without having to worry about settling down, until their looks start to decay aroud 30.
Have you heard of the Lorenz curve? The same thing is happening in the sexual marketplace as is happening in the economic marketplace. The rich are getting richer. Women have less and less need for the bottom of the totem pole betas.
It kind disgusts me that this is the case. We're basically telling an entire generation of beta males(arguably a significant portion of the male population), that they're basically worthless. I dread to see how this will affect society in later years.
Woman have now acquired a taste for alphas, and, while alphas might fuck them, they're not going to marry them. A woman in her 20s can screw above her weight class, by making it obligation-free, but she cannot marry out of her league.
Women mistake the casual sex market for the relationship market. In the causal sex market, women have inflated value, because more guys want NSA hookups than women do. In the marriage market, no such factor exists.
So a woman who is, say, a 5, can ride a steady train of 7 and 8 cock throughout her twenties, but when she hits 32 and decides her ovaries want a baby, the 7s and 8s aren't even returning her calls. They are either married to female 7s and 8s, or they are banging 5s and 6s younger than her (like, still in their twenties).
Male erections are common, and therefore cheap. Male commitment is not common, and therefore not cheap.
But women, rationalization hamsters busily spinning in their little rationalization wheels, are unwilling to acknowledge that the commitment market and the sex market are different markets.
Therefore, when they hit 30, they will either insist on males as self-assured, successful, and /or socially dominant ("alpha") as they are used to, and wind up "forever alone"... or they will lower their standards eventually.
But when they do, they will find that even the betas aren't biting. Many betas, burned repeatedly, will either learn to imitate alpha traits to the point that they make themselves more attractive and can get better women in the commitment market and/or steady action in the hookup market. Others will have sworn off relationships altogether. Still others will have married import girls from Thailand, or the Ukraine, or the Philippines, or other cultures where women haven't been spoiled rotten.
In any case, women are going to find that, for the 35-year-old versions of themselves, there is a desperately short supply of commitment-ready cock.
In the language of economics, the vagina bubble is starting to burst. The market in vaginas is about to crash. If you are invested in one, sell now. If you own one, get readily to pay for your own damn food, and suck a lot of cock.
It dawned on me yesterday how much I hate dating. It’s basically conducting interviews with a person who, for whatever reason, seems to be interviewing you for a similar position. I interview enough people on a regular basis as it is, I don’t need any more work.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
POETRY: YOU HAVE FULFILLED MY LIFE
She is so beautiful,
The way she walks like her feet are never touching the ground,
The way her lips move so delicate and luscious,
The way she brushes her hair back with her fragile hands,
Her hands, oh so sweet, just waiting to be caressed,
I could get lost in her eyes forever,
Whenever i am in her presence i am in perfect happiness,
She lights up my heart like a lantern on a stormy night,
She is my one and only,
She is my love.
2
A vision of beauty.
A vision of the night.
I was lost in your trance,
hidden from the light.
With a heart as dark
as a moonless night,
you preyed upon me
with pure delight.
In a deadly embrace
you held me tight,
and stole my heart
that fateful night
3
When I wake up in the morning if you are not there beside me -
I run to the phone to hear your voice
I cannot start my day without you...
I go about my day not really living -
only going through the motions, until I am with you -
Than I am alive...
It's knowing the two of us have become
one mind, one heart, one life...
Were Together...In Love...
When we are apart I am only surving as half
until I am with you -
Than I am whole again...
Everyone goes through life searching for that one person
who makes you feel whole, ends your sentences,
and finishes your thoughts.
That person who brings the last piece of happiness to your world.
I've found that person... In You...
You have fulfilled my life...
4
the reflections
in the mirror
she sees
are they real
or fantasies
lines showing
from years of age
beauty queen
from a magazine page
she stands there looking
for the longest time
maybe even wondering
if she's still mine
if she only knew
what I already see
love's reflections
in her eyes
which are me...
5
The wind whispers your name
The sun and the moon rise in your eyes
I want to touch you
with the gentlness I'm feeling inside
To hold you close and feel your heartbeat
as you whisper sonnets, softly, into my ear
Discovering truth, with miles to go
before I sleep
To take your soul safe and sheltered
through a rainbow which leads us to fate
And when Dawn breaks, the warmth of your skin
is that of the sunlight which pours into my spirit
The way she walks like her feet are never touching the ground,
The way her lips move so delicate and luscious,
The way she brushes her hair back with her fragile hands,
Her hands, oh so sweet, just waiting to be caressed,
I could get lost in her eyes forever,
Whenever i am in her presence i am in perfect happiness,
She lights up my heart like a lantern on a stormy night,
She is my one and only,
She is my love.
2
A vision of beauty.
A vision of the night.
I was lost in your trance,
hidden from the light.
With a heart as dark
as a moonless night,
you preyed upon me
with pure delight.
In a deadly embrace
you held me tight,
and stole my heart
that fateful night
3
When I wake up in the morning if you are not there beside me -
I run to the phone to hear your voice
I cannot start my day without you...
I go about my day not really living -
only going through the motions, until I am with you -
Than I am alive...
It's knowing the two of us have become
one mind, one heart, one life...
Were Together...In Love...
When we are apart I am only surving as half
until I am with you -
Than I am whole again...
Everyone goes through life searching for that one person
who makes you feel whole, ends your sentences,
and finishes your thoughts.
That person who brings the last piece of happiness to your world.
I've found that person... In You...
You have fulfilled my life...
4
the reflections
in the mirror
she sees
are they real
or fantasies
lines showing
from years of age
beauty queen
from a magazine page
she stands there looking
for the longest time
maybe even wondering
if she's still mine
if she only knew
what I already see
love's reflections
in her eyes
which are me...
5
The wind whispers your name
The sun and the moon rise in your eyes
I want to touch you
with the gentlness I'm feeling inside
To hold you close and feel your heartbeat
as you whisper sonnets, softly, into my ear
Discovering truth, with miles to go
before I sleep
To take your soul safe and sheltered
through a rainbow which leads us to fate
And when Dawn breaks, the warmth of your skin
is that of the sunlight which pours into my spirit
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
JOURNAL: HAVING YOUR HEART BROKEN
In the college, I thought I had found the woman I would spend the rest of my life with...Valerie. We held hands at every possible moment. We went out on dates to the movies, we went out to dinner. We had been dating for a year, when I found out that she had to stay another year in college. We broke up, I did what most boys do, I blocked it out of my head and moved on At that age, I thought that was what heartbreak was, to have something, and for it to be taken away from you,
I would soon find myself in my most serious relationship during my residency, and I think back to her, but today, my opinion of love is much different than it was on that day. It’s changed dramatically. I used to think that I was wired differently than most men. I was always trying to find love at a young age. I blame 90210, Party of Five and Friends for that too. And then one day, I met a girl and I thought I had found perfection.
I would soon find myself in my most serious relationship during my residency, and I think back to her, but today, my opinion of love is much different than it was on that day. It’s changed dramatically. I used to think that I was wired differently than most men. I was always trying to find love at a young age. I blame 90210, Party of Five and Friends for that too. And then one day, I met a girl and I thought I had found perfection.
She wasn’t perfect to everyone, she was perfect to me. She had her imperfections, but I thought she was everything that I wanted in a girl.You see when she breaks your heart, you should just rip it out and give it to her. It’s never going to be the same. You may love again. You may convince yourself that you love again. But men, we just don’t work that way. After that initial heartbreak, we look for a girlfriend, wifey, a wife, or mother to our children. But you’ll hear very few men say “the love of my life” and actually mean it. I’m clear, a man will only get one chance to truly be deeply in love with a woman. So yes, that’s my advice, rip out your heart and give it to that girl who breaks your heart because it’s never going to be the same again. Think about it like sex, sex is great, but it’s nothing like virgin sex.
She’s going to take your self-esteem. She’ll disturb you emotionally. Some men won’t admit to crying, but they might admit to being emotionally disturbed. When you love someone, it doesn’t go away the second that person tells you that they don’t love you. It stays there and it takes a long time to deal with those feelings. You’ll never get over her, and the proof is, because you’ll always compare everyone after her to her. So if you’re wondering who that girl is for you, it’s that one that you compare everyone else to. It’s that one that your friends say, “That was 9 years ago, man!” It’s her.
We all do some things that we’re not proud of in this time. We make promises that we won’t keep, we hurt the people who care for us when we don’t care for ourselves. We lose the ability to care. We’re emotionally drained, we’re heartless. The men who will tell you they’ve never had their heartbroken are lying or they’re waiting. Don’t date a guy who’s heart hasn’t been broken in. Their heart is like a glow stick, it doesn’t shine the right way until it’s broken. He’ll end up with two alternatives for women, either he finds the one that he thinks fills all his requirements for a wife, or the one that he doesn’t want to let go because he doesn’t see another one like her coming.
Of course that ex will have control over him forever, and that’s okay. We’re adults we can deal with those people in our lives. I said earlier that there’s no way a man hasn’t had his heartbroken, I’ll take that back. It’s like the addiction gene, if you don’t have it, then you don’t have it. You’re better for it. I don’t have it, I fall in love and sometimes I have to deal with the compromise that “we’re better as friends,” but I move on. I grow into a man who learns to live outside of infatuations or the inferred reality of now. And in my mind, I think I’m stronger… wiser… I’m better, much better.
She’s going to take your self-esteem. She’ll disturb you emotionally. Some men won’t admit to crying, but they might admit to being emotionally disturbed. When you love someone, it doesn’t go away the second that person tells you that they don’t love you. It stays there and it takes a long time to deal with those feelings. You’ll never get over her, and the proof is, because you’ll always compare everyone after her to her. So if you’re wondering who that girl is for you, it’s that one that you compare everyone else to. It’s that one that your friends say, “That was 9 years ago, man!” It’s her.
We all do some things that we’re not proud of in this time. We make promises that we won’t keep, we hurt the people who care for us when we don’t care for ourselves. We lose the ability to care. We’re emotionally drained, we’re heartless. The men who will tell you they’ve never had their heartbroken are lying or they’re waiting. Don’t date a guy who’s heart hasn’t been broken in. Their heart is like a glow stick, it doesn’t shine the right way until it’s broken. He’ll end up with two alternatives for women, either he finds the one that he thinks fills all his requirements for a wife, or the one that he doesn’t want to let go because he doesn’t see another one like her coming.
Of course that ex will have control over him forever, and that’s okay. We’re adults we can deal with those people in our lives. I said earlier that there’s no way a man hasn’t had his heartbroken, I’ll take that back. It’s like the addiction gene, if you don’t have it, then you don’t have it. You’re better for it. I don’t have it, I fall in love and sometimes I have to deal with the compromise that “we’re better as friends,” but I move on. I grow into a man who learns to live outside of infatuations or the inferred reality of now. And in my mind, I think I’m stronger… wiser… I’m better, much better.
SPIRITUAL: I AM A FIREFLY.....
It goes something like this: I am one person among 6.5 billion people on Earth at the moment. That's one person among 6,500,000,000 people. That'a lot of Wembley Stadiums full of people. And we live on an Earth that is spinning at 67,000 miles an hour through space around a sun that is the centre of our solar system (and our solar system is spinning around the centre of the Milky Way at 530,000 mph). Just our solar system (which is a tiny speck within the entire universe) is very big indeed. If Earth was a peppercorn and Jupiter was a chestnut, you'd have to place them 100 metres apart to get a sense of the real distance between us.
And this universe is only one of many. In fact, the chances are that there are many, many more populated Earths - just like ours - in other universes.
And that's just space.
Have a look at time, too. If you're in for a good run, you may spend 85 years on this Earth. Man has been around for 100,000 years, so you're going to spend just 0.00085 percent of man's history living on this Earth. And Man's stay on Earth has been very short in the context of the life of the Earth (which is 4.5 billion years old): if the Earth had been around for the equivalent of a day (with the Big Bang kicking it all off at midnight), humans didn't turn up until 11.59.58 p.m. That means we've only been around for the last two seconds.
A lifetime is gone in a flash. There are relatively few people on this Earth that were here 100 years ago. Just as you'll be gone (relatively) soon.
So, with just the briefest look at the spatial and temporal context of our lives, we are utterly insignificant. As the Perspective Machine lifts up so far above the woods that we forget what the word means, we see just one moving light. It is beautiful. A small, gently glowing light. It is a firefly lost somewhere in the cosmos. And a firefly - on Earth - lives for just one night. It glows beautifully, then goes out.
And up there so high in our Perspective Machine we realize that our lives are really just like that of the firefly. Except the air is full of 6.5 billion fireflies. They're glowing beautifully for one night. Then they are gone.
So, Fuck It, you might as well REALLY glow
We innately know that everything is impermanent that we so desperately cling to it. But cling we do.
We know that our youth vanishes that we and our loved one will die one day, that whatever we have accumulated can easily be taken away from us, that one day our skills might not be wanted, that a day may come when our love might not be reciprocated. But we go on clinging.
Everywhere we turn we are faced with impermanence. (..) The more we cling - of course - the more pain we feel as things fade, disappear, die around us.And sometimes the more we cling, the more these things happen. (..)
The key to being able to let go of all the stuff you're holding on to is knowing that you'll be okay if you don't have it. And that's the truth. You can survive with very little. And though the passing of people and things can be painful, you will survive
And this universe is only one of many. In fact, the chances are that there are many, many more populated Earths - just like ours - in other universes.
And that's just space.
Have a look at time, too. If you're in for a good run, you may spend 85 years on this Earth. Man has been around for 100,000 years, so you're going to spend just 0.00085 percent of man's history living on this Earth. And Man's stay on Earth has been very short in the context of the life of the Earth (which is 4.5 billion years old): if the Earth had been around for the equivalent of a day (with the Big Bang kicking it all off at midnight), humans didn't turn up until 11.59.58 p.m. That means we've only been around for the last two seconds.
A lifetime is gone in a flash. There are relatively few people on this Earth that were here 100 years ago. Just as you'll be gone (relatively) soon.
So, with just the briefest look at the spatial and temporal context of our lives, we are utterly insignificant. As the Perspective Machine lifts up so far above the woods that we forget what the word means, we see just one moving light. It is beautiful. A small, gently glowing light. It is a firefly lost somewhere in the cosmos. And a firefly - on Earth - lives for just one night. It glows beautifully, then goes out.
And up there so high in our Perspective Machine we realize that our lives are really just like that of the firefly. Except the air is full of 6.5 billion fireflies. They're glowing beautifully for one night. Then they are gone.
So, Fuck It, you might as well REALLY glow
We innately know that everything is impermanent that we so desperately cling to it. But cling we do.
We know that our youth vanishes that we and our loved one will die one day, that whatever we have accumulated can easily be taken away from us, that one day our skills might not be wanted, that a day may come when our love might not be reciprocated. But we go on clinging.
Everywhere we turn we are faced with impermanence. (..) The more we cling - of course - the more pain we feel as things fade, disappear, die around us.And sometimes the more we cling, the more these things happen. (..)
The key to being able to let go of all the stuff you're holding on to is knowing that you'll be okay if you don't have it. And that's the truth. You can survive with very little. And though the passing of people and things can be painful, you will survive
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
ARTICLE: Love People, Not Pleasure by Arthur C. Brooks
Love People, Not Pleasure by Arthur C. Brooks
ABD AL-RAHMAN III was an emir and caliph of Córdoba in 10th-century Spain. He was an absolute ruler who lived in complete luxury. Here’s how he assessed his life:
“I have now reigned above 50 years in victory or peace; beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to have been wanting to my felicity.”
Fame, riches and pleasure beyond imagination. Sound great? He went on to write:
“I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot: They amount to 14.”
Abd al-Rahman’s problem wasn’t happiness, as he believed — it was unhappiness. If that sounds like a distinction without a difference, you probably have the same problem as the great emir. But with a little knowledge, you can avoid the misery that befell him.
What is unhappiness? Your intuition might be that it is simply the opposite of happiness, just as darkness is the absence of light. That is not correct. Happiness and unhappiness are certainly related, but they are not actually opposites. Images of the brain show that parts of the left cerebral cortex are more active than the right when we are experiencing happiness, while the right side becomes more active when we are unhappy.
As strange as it seems, being happier than average does not mean that one can’t also be unhappier than average. One test for both happiness and unhappiness is the Positive Affectivity and Negative Affectivity Schedule test. I took the test myself. I found that, for happiness, I am at the top for people my age, sex, occupation and education group. But I get a pretty high score for unhappiness as well. I am a cheerful melancholic.
So when people say, “I am an unhappy person,” they are really doing sums, whether they realize it or not. They are saying, “My unhappiness is x, my happiness is y, and x > y.” The real questions are why, and what you can do to make y > x.
If you ask an unhappy person why he is unhappy, he’ll almost always blame circumstance. In many cases, of course, this is justified. Some people are oppressed or poor or have physical ailments that make life a chore. Research unsurprisingly suggests that racism causes unhappiness in children, and many academic studies trace a clear link between unhappiness and poverty. Another common source of unhappiness is loneliness, from which about 20 percent of Americans suffer enough to make it a major source of unhappiness in their lives.
THERE are also smaller circumstantial sources of unhappiness. The Princeton psychologist Daniel Kahneman and his colleagues measured the “negative affect” (bad moods) that ordinary daily activities and interactions kick up. They found that the No. 1 unhappiness-provoking event in a typical day is spending time with one’s boss (which, as a boss, made me unhappy to learn).
Circumstances are certainly important. No doubt Abd al-Rahman could point to a few in his life. But paradoxically, a better explanation for his unhappiness may have been his own search for well-being. And the same might go for you.
Have you ever known an alcoholic? They generally drink to relieve craving or anxiety — in other words, to attenuate a source of unhappiness. Yet it is the drink that ultimately prolongs their suffering. The same principle was at work for Abd al-Rahman in his pursuit of fame, wealth and pleasure.
Consider fame. In 2009, researchers from the University of Rochester conducted a study tracking the success of 147 recent graduates in reaching their stated goals after graduation. Some had “intrinsic” goals, such as deep, enduring relationships. Others had “extrinsic” goals, such as achieving reputation or fame. The scholars found that intrinsic goals were associated with happier lives. But the people who pursued extrinsic goals experienced more negative emotions, such as shame and fear. They even suffered more physical maladies.
This is one of the cruelest ironies in life. I work in Washington, right in the middle of intensely public political battles. Bar none, the unhappiest people I have ever met are those most dedicated to their own self-aggrandizement — the pundits, the TV loudmouths, the media know-it-alls. They build themselves up and promote their images, but feel awful most of the time.
That’s the paradox of fame. Just like drugs and alcohol, once you become addicted, you can’t live without it. But you can’t live with it, either. Celebrities have described fame like being “an animal in a cage; a toy in a shop window; a Barbie doll; a public facade; a clay figure; or, that guy on TV,” according to research by the psychologist Donna Rockwell. Yet they can’t give it up.
That impulse to fame by everyday people has generated some astonishing innovations. One is the advent of reality television, in which ordinary people become actors in their day-to-day lives for others to watch. Why? “To be noticed, to be wanted, to be loved, to walk into a place and have others care about what you’re doing, even what you had for lunch that day: that’s what people want, in my opinion,” said one 26-year-old participant in an early hit reality show called “Big Brother.”
And then there’s social media. Today, each of us can build a personal little fan base, thanks to Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and the like. We can broadcast the details of our lives to friends and strangers in an astonishingly efficient way. That’s good for staying in touch with friends, but it also puts a minor form of fame-seeking within each person’s reach. And several studies show that it can make us unhappy.
It makes sense. What do you post to Facebook? Pictures of yourself yelling at your kids, or having a hard time at work? No, you post smiling photos of a hiking trip with friends. You build a fake life — or at least an incomplete one — and share it. Furthermore, you consume almost exclusively the fake lives of your social media “friends.” Unless you are extraordinarily self-aware, how could it not make you feel worse to spend part of your time pretending to be happier than you are, and the other part of your time seeing how much happier others seem to be than you?
Some look for relief from unhappiness in money and material things. This scenario is a little more complicated than fame. The evidence does suggest that money relieves suffering in cases of true material need. (This is a strong argument, in my view, for many safety-net policies for the indigent.) But when money becomes an end in itself, it can bring misery, too.
For decades, psychologists have been compiling a vast literature on the relationships between different aspirations and well-being. Whether they examine young adults or people of all ages, the bulk of the studies point toward the same important conclusion: People who rate materialistic goals like wealth as top personal priorities are significantly likelier to be more anxious, more depressed and more frequent drug users, and even to have more physical ailments than those who set their sights on more intrinsic values.
No one sums up the moral snares of materialism more famously than St. Paul in his First Letter to Timothy: “For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.” Or as the Dalai Lama pithily suggests, it is better to want what you have than to have what you want.
SO fame and money are out. How about pleasures of the flesh? Take the canonical hedonistic pleasure: lust. From Hollywood to college campuses, many assume that sex is always great, and sexual variety is even better.
This assumption actually has a name: the “Coolidge Effect,” named after the 30th president of the United States. The story (probably apocryphal) begins with Silent Cal and Mrs. Coolidge touring a poultry farm. The first lady noticed that there were very few roosters, and asked how so many eggs could be fertilized. The farmer told her that the virile roosters did their jobs over and over again each day. “Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge,” she told him. The president, hearing the remark, asked whether the rooster serviced the same hen each time. No, the farmer told him — there were many hens for each rooster. “Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge,” said the president.
The president obviously figured these must be happy roosters. And notwithstanding the moral implications, the same principle should work for us. Right?
Wrong. In 2004, two economists looked into whether more sexual variety led to greater well-being. They looked at data from about 16,000 adult Americans who were asked confidentially how many sex partners they had had in the preceding year, and about their happiness. Across men and women alike, the data show that the optimal number of partners is one.
This might seem totally counterintuitive. After all, we are unambiguously driven to accumulate material goods, to seek fame, to look for pleasure. How can it be that these very things can give us unhappiness instead of happiness? There are two explanations, one biological and the other philosophical.
Continue reading the main story
From an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense that we are wired to seek fame, wealth and sexual variety. These things make us more likely to pass on our DNA. Had your cave-man ancestors not acquired some version of these things (a fine reputation for being a great rock sharpener; multiple animal skins), they might not have found enough mating partners to create your lineage.
But here’s where the evolutionary cables have crossed: We assume that things we are attracted to will relieve our suffering and raise our happiness. My brain says, “Get famous.” It also says, “Unhappiness is lousy.” I conflate the two, getting, “Get famous and you’ll be less unhappy.”
But that is Mother Nature’s cruel hoax. She doesn’t really care either way whether you are unhappy — she just wants you to want to pass on your genetic material. If you conflate intergenerational survival with well-being, that’s your problem, not nature’s. And matters are hardly helped by nature’s useful idiots in society, who propagate a popular piece of life-ruining advice: “If it feels good, do it.” Unless you share the same existential goals as protozoa, this is often flat-out wrong.
More philosophically, the problem stems from dissatisfaction — the sense that nothing has full flavor, and we want more. We can’t quite pin down what it is that we seek. Without a great deal of reflection and spiritual hard work, the likely candidates seem to be material things, physical pleasures or favor among friends and strangers.
We look for these things to fill an inner emptiness. They may bring a brief satisfaction, but it never lasts, and it is never enough. And so we crave more. This paradox has a word in Sanskrit: upadana, which refers to the cycle of craving and grasping. As the Dhammapada (the Buddha’s path of wisdom) puts it: “The craving of one given to heedless living grows like a creeper. Like the monkey seeking fruits in the forest, he leaps from life to life... Whoever is overcome by this wretched and sticky craving, his sorrows grow like grass after the rains.”
This search for fame, the lust for material things and the objectification of others — that is, the cycle of grasping and craving — follows a formula that is elegant, simple and deadly:
Love things, use people.
This was Abd al-Rahman’s formula as he sleepwalked through life. It is the worldly snake oil peddled by the culture makers from Hollywood to Madison Avenue. But you know in your heart that it is morally disordered and a likely road to misery. You want to be free of the sticky cravings of unhappiness and find a formula for happiness instead. How? Simply invert the deadly formula and render it virtuous:
Love people, use things.
Easier said than done, I realize. It requires the courage to repudiate pride and the strength to love others — family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, God and even strangers and enemies. Only deny love to things that actually are objects. The practice that achieves this is charity. Few things are as liberating as giving away to others that which we hold dear.
This also requires a condemnation of materialism. This is manifestly not an argument for any specific economic system. Anyone who has spent time in a socialist country must concede that materialism and selfishness are as bad under collectivism, or worse, as when markets are free. No political ideology is immune to materialism.
Finally, it requires a deep skepticism of our own basic desires. Of course you are driven to seek admiration, splendor and physical license. But giving in to these impulses will bring unhappiness. You have a responsibility to yourself to stay in the battle. The day you declare a truce is the day you become unhappier. Declaring war on these destructive impulses is not about asceticism or Puritanism. It is about being a prudent person who seeks to avoid unnecessary suffering.
Abd al-Rahman never got his happiness sums right. He never knew the right formula. Fortunately, we do.
ABD AL-RAHMAN III was an emir and caliph of Córdoba in 10th-century Spain. He was an absolute ruler who lived in complete luxury. Here’s how he assessed his life:
“I have now reigned above 50 years in victory or peace; beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to have been wanting to my felicity.”
Fame, riches and pleasure beyond imagination. Sound great? He went on to write:
“I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot: They amount to 14.”
Abd al-Rahman’s problem wasn’t happiness, as he believed — it was unhappiness. If that sounds like a distinction without a difference, you probably have the same problem as the great emir. But with a little knowledge, you can avoid the misery that befell him.
What is unhappiness? Your intuition might be that it is simply the opposite of happiness, just as darkness is the absence of light. That is not correct. Happiness and unhappiness are certainly related, but they are not actually opposites. Images of the brain show that parts of the left cerebral cortex are more active than the right when we are experiencing happiness, while the right side becomes more active when we are unhappy.
As strange as it seems, being happier than average does not mean that one can’t also be unhappier than average. One test for both happiness and unhappiness is the Positive Affectivity and Negative Affectivity Schedule test. I took the test myself. I found that, for happiness, I am at the top for people my age, sex, occupation and education group. But I get a pretty high score for unhappiness as well. I am a cheerful melancholic.
So when people say, “I am an unhappy person,” they are really doing sums, whether they realize it or not. They are saying, “My unhappiness is x, my happiness is y, and x > y.” The real questions are why, and what you can do to make y > x.
If you ask an unhappy person why he is unhappy, he’ll almost always blame circumstance. In many cases, of course, this is justified. Some people are oppressed or poor or have physical ailments that make life a chore. Research unsurprisingly suggests that racism causes unhappiness in children, and many academic studies trace a clear link between unhappiness and poverty. Another common source of unhappiness is loneliness, from which about 20 percent of Americans suffer enough to make it a major source of unhappiness in their lives.
THERE are also smaller circumstantial sources of unhappiness. The Princeton psychologist Daniel Kahneman and his colleagues measured the “negative affect” (bad moods) that ordinary daily activities and interactions kick up. They found that the No. 1 unhappiness-provoking event in a typical day is spending time with one’s boss (which, as a boss, made me unhappy to learn).
Circumstances are certainly important. No doubt Abd al-Rahman could point to a few in his life. But paradoxically, a better explanation for his unhappiness may have been his own search for well-being. And the same might go for you.
Have you ever known an alcoholic? They generally drink to relieve craving or anxiety — in other words, to attenuate a source of unhappiness. Yet it is the drink that ultimately prolongs their suffering. The same principle was at work for Abd al-Rahman in his pursuit of fame, wealth and pleasure.
Consider fame. In 2009, researchers from the University of Rochester conducted a study tracking the success of 147 recent graduates in reaching their stated goals after graduation. Some had “intrinsic” goals, such as deep, enduring relationships. Others had “extrinsic” goals, such as achieving reputation or fame. The scholars found that intrinsic goals were associated with happier lives. But the people who pursued extrinsic goals experienced more negative emotions, such as shame and fear. They even suffered more physical maladies.
This is one of the cruelest ironies in life. I work in Washington, right in the middle of intensely public political battles. Bar none, the unhappiest people I have ever met are those most dedicated to their own self-aggrandizement — the pundits, the TV loudmouths, the media know-it-alls. They build themselves up and promote their images, but feel awful most of the time.
That’s the paradox of fame. Just like drugs and alcohol, once you become addicted, you can’t live without it. But you can’t live with it, either. Celebrities have described fame like being “an animal in a cage; a toy in a shop window; a Barbie doll; a public facade; a clay figure; or, that guy on TV,” according to research by the psychologist Donna Rockwell. Yet they can’t give it up.
That impulse to fame by everyday people has generated some astonishing innovations. One is the advent of reality television, in which ordinary people become actors in their day-to-day lives for others to watch. Why? “To be noticed, to be wanted, to be loved, to walk into a place and have others care about what you’re doing, even what you had for lunch that day: that’s what people want, in my opinion,” said one 26-year-old participant in an early hit reality show called “Big Brother.”
And then there’s social media. Today, each of us can build a personal little fan base, thanks to Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and the like. We can broadcast the details of our lives to friends and strangers in an astonishingly efficient way. That’s good for staying in touch with friends, but it also puts a minor form of fame-seeking within each person’s reach. And several studies show that it can make us unhappy.
It makes sense. What do you post to Facebook? Pictures of yourself yelling at your kids, or having a hard time at work? No, you post smiling photos of a hiking trip with friends. You build a fake life — or at least an incomplete one — and share it. Furthermore, you consume almost exclusively the fake lives of your social media “friends.” Unless you are extraordinarily self-aware, how could it not make you feel worse to spend part of your time pretending to be happier than you are, and the other part of your time seeing how much happier others seem to be than you?
Some look for relief from unhappiness in money and material things. This scenario is a little more complicated than fame. The evidence does suggest that money relieves suffering in cases of true material need. (This is a strong argument, in my view, for many safety-net policies for the indigent.) But when money becomes an end in itself, it can bring misery, too.
For decades, psychologists have been compiling a vast literature on the relationships between different aspirations and well-being. Whether they examine young adults or people of all ages, the bulk of the studies point toward the same important conclusion: People who rate materialistic goals like wealth as top personal priorities are significantly likelier to be more anxious, more depressed and more frequent drug users, and even to have more physical ailments than those who set their sights on more intrinsic values.
No one sums up the moral snares of materialism more famously than St. Paul in his First Letter to Timothy: “For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.” Or as the Dalai Lama pithily suggests, it is better to want what you have than to have what you want.
SO fame and money are out. How about pleasures of the flesh? Take the canonical hedonistic pleasure: lust. From Hollywood to college campuses, many assume that sex is always great, and sexual variety is even better.
This assumption actually has a name: the “Coolidge Effect,” named after the 30th president of the United States. The story (probably apocryphal) begins with Silent Cal and Mrs. Coolidge touring a poultry farm. The first lady noticed that there were very few roosters, and asked how so many eggs could be fertilized. The farmer told her that the virile roosters did their jobs over and over again each day. “Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge,” she told him. The president, hearing the remark, asked whether the rooster serviced the same hen each time. No, the farmer told him — there were many hens for each rooster. “Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge,” said the president.
The president obviously figured these must be happy roosters. And notwithstanding the moral implications, the same principle should work for us. Right?
Wrong. In 2004, two economists looked into whether more sexual variety led to greater well-being. They looked at data from about 16,000 adult Americans who were asked confidentially how many sex partners they had had in the preceding year, and about their happiness. Across men and women alike, the data show that the optimal number of partners is one.
This might seem totally counterintuitive. After all, we are unambiguously driven to accumulate material goods, to seek fame, to look for pleasure. How can it be that these very things can give us unhappiness instead of happiness? There are two explanations, one biological and the other philosophical.
Continue reading the main story
From an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense that we are wired to seek fame, wealth and sexual variety. These things make us more likely to pass on our DNA. Had your cave-man ancestors not acquired some version of these things (a fine reputation for being a great rock sharpener; multiple animal skins), they might not have found enough mating partners to create your lineage.
But here’s where the evolutionary cables have crossed: We assume that things we are attracted to will relieve our suffering and raise our happiness. My brain says, “Get famous.” It also says, “Unhappiness is lousy.” I conflate the two, getting, “Get famous and you’ll be less unhappy.”
But that is Mother Nature’s cruel hoax. She doesn’t really care either way whether you are unhappy — she just wants you to want to pass on your genetic material. If you conflate intergenerational survival with well-being, that’s your problem, not nature’s. And matters are hardly helped by nature’s useful idiots in society, who propagate a popular piece of life-ruining advice: “If it feels good, do it.” Unless you share the same existential goals as protozoa, this is often flat-out wrong.
More philosophically, the problem stems from dissatisfaction — the sense that nothing has full flavor, and we want more. We can’t quite pin down what it is that we seek. Without a great deal of reflection and spiritual hard work, the likely candidates seem to be material things, physical pleasures or favor among friends and strangers.
We look for these things to fill an inner emptiness. They may bring a brief satisfaction, but it never lasts, and it is never enough. And so we crave more. This paradox has a word in Sanskrit: upadana, which refers to the cycle of craving and grasping. As the Dhammapada (the Buddha’s path of wisdom) puts it: “The craving of one given to heedless living grows like a creeper. Like the monkey seeking fruits in the forest, he leaps from life to life... Whoever is overcome by this wretched and sticky craving, his sorrows grow like grass after the rains.”
This search for fame, the lust for material things and the objectification of others — that is, the cycle of grasping and craving — follows a formula that is elegant, simple and deadly:
Love things, use people.
This was Abd al-Rahman’s formula as he sleepwalked through life. It is the worldly snake oil peddled by the culture makers from Hollywood to Madison Avenue. But you know in your heart that it is morally disordered and a likely road to misery. You want to be free of the sticky cravings of unhappiness and find a formula for happiness instead. How? Simply invert the deadly formula and render it virtuous:
Love people, use things.
Easier said than done, I realize. It requires the courage to repudiate pride and the strength to love others — family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, God and even strangers and enemies. Only deny love to things that actually are objects. The practice that achieves this is charity. Few things are as liberating as giving away to others that which we hold dear.
This also requires a condemnation of materialism. This is manifestly not an argument for any specific economic system. Anyone who has spent time in a socialist country must concede that materialism and selfishness are as bad under collectivism, or worse, as when markets are free. No political ideology is immune to materialism.
Finally, it requires a deep skepticism of our own basic desires. Of course you are driven to seek admiration, splendor and physical license. But giving in to these impulses will bring unhappiness. You have a responsibility to yourself to stay in the battle. The day you declare a truce is the day you become unhappier. Declaring war on these destructive impulses is not about asceticism or Puritanism. It is about being a prudent person who seeks to avoid unnecessary suffering.
Abd al-Rahman never got his happiness sums right. He never knew the right formula. Fortunately, we do.
Monday, July 21, 2014
LOVE LETTER:DEAR SOULMATE
Dear Soulmate,
Just confide in me your deepest feelings, tell me your fantasies, and they shall all be fulfilled. I will do anything it takes to make you happy because that is the only thing that matters to me anymore. You are perfect in my eyes, and there is absolutely nothing that I would ever change about you. I know that no one can be perfect but you, In my eyes, are as perfect as anyone could be. It leaves me amazed, yet blessed, to have found someone as special as you are.
I'm going to be sitting here waiting; waiting for your phone call and then waiting for the day I will actually see you. A little distance between us is going to drive me crazy, but I know it'll all work out just fine. Till then, I will just be waiting for the day when we will actually be together.
How are you, my dear, are you tired, are you ok? I always ask you lots of questions, not because I just am curious, but because every question comes from inside my heart. We are so far apart from each other, and I try so much to be with you. This is difficult, but nothing on earth can make me lose my true love for you…
...I don't really know when I first started to love you. Maybe it started with sending texts back and forth every day, opening with a "good morning" or ending with a "good night" with a lot of feeling. Then, one day, I found myself loving you and couldn't stop that feeling. Just knowing you more and more each day, and seeing how you understood everything I did, I started to love you more and more. Every time you say "Hi," you brighten my life.
Every night when I close my eyes, thoughts of you fill me with joy. Every morning when I open my eyes, you're the first thought on my mind. I am certain that I am in love with you. I want to hold you, kiss you and to feel your body near me. If you'll be mine, you'll make me the happiest woman in the world. If you turn me away, I don't know if I can take it. But either way, you'll always be the greatest love I've ever had
I remember we talked for hours about anything and everything. I never expected we would say we loved each other even before we met in person. Now don't get me wrong--I believe in love at first sight, but I thought I would be the last person to be bitten by that bug.
For just one look into your eyes makes everything in the world and in my life seem to glow. You make me want to see the sunrise every day, to know it's another day where I could have you by my side. Your touch will forever caress me with tenderness, and your kisses will keep the flame in my heart alive. You stole my heart and made it skip a beat. You have been the highlight of my life ever since then. When I sleep, I dream of you. When I work, we work together. When your heart beats, mine beats with yours. I feel warm all over, and my heart skips a beat whether we're on the phone. I have the same dream we both want, and that is for both of us to fall in love with our best friend.
You've changed my life so completely. What would I ever do without you? I don't even want to think about it, and I pray that I never have to. The more I get to know you, the more I want to know, and the more I can't wait for each new day, just to be with you, just to see the smile on your face. Every day I love you more, and every day I realize to a greater extent how much this relationship means to me, how much you mean to me. You are everything to me
I wonder if you know how much I look forward to the simple things we share, like our talk fest over dinner at the end of a long workday. It's a great stress reliever to tell you all the day's events and listen to you analyze why this happened, or why that person behaved the way they did, and then speculate together on how tomorrow will line up. On the weekends, I enjoy relaxing with you and just watching a movie, critiquing every aspect of the production like professional movie critics, making judgments on everything from the casting choices to the quality of the screenplay.
I can't even imagine my life now without all the things we enjoy together--our passionate lovemaking, luxurious bubble baths, and lazy sleep-ins on Sunday morning. Through the days and through the nights, thank you for always being there; I'll always be there for you. I want you to know how much I truly love and appreciate you, Sweetheart. You mean everything to me.
I am forever yours.
I am so grateful that you are in my life. Your tender caring and gentle ways, your strength, and your love for life have influenced every part of who I am, even down to the colors that I like--remember how I used to hate red before you came along? You've encouraged me to do things that I may never have had the courage to try without you--things like scuba diving, rock climbing, even sky diving. You've also helped me to appreciate things that I had always taken slightly for granted to a greater extent--things like the importance of families and patriotism. You've also helped me gain an interest in preserving and enjoying the natural beauty around us.
My beautiful love, you are my sunrise and sunset. You are my world and you have been since the first time I saw you from afar. My heart leaped in my chest and the vision of you made me catch my breath. Your hair was lightly blowing in the breeze, and the sun was bouncing off your face, making your eyes sparkle like stars in the midnight sky. I felt love the first time I looked at you, and my world became a beautiful place to live in. I often ask myself, what in the world would I do without you now? I hope to never find out the answer to that question
I always thought that dreams were just dreams, but you made them all come true and even better, you built new dreams with me! I cannot thank you enough for being more than perfect because you showed me that even all the things that seem wrong are actually opportunities to work at them together and bring us closer together. No matter how far you are and no matter what you do, I always want you to know how much you mean to me, and how much I truly love you and how much I will always be yours forever.
I love you so much and wish I could be there to hug and kiss you all day and all night long, but for now, this love letter will have to be my message. Please know that you are a big part of me and I think of you all the time. I love you, and I've loved you before I was born, because I believe I was made for you, and will be yours for all eternity
Just confide in me your deepest feelings, tell me your fantasies, and they shall all be fulfilled. I will do anything it takes to make you happy because that is the only thing that matters to me anymore. You are perfect in my eyes, and there is absolutely nothing that I would ever change about you. I know that no one can be perfect but you, In my eyes, are as perfect as anyone could be. It leaves me amazed, yet blessed, to have found someone as special as you are.
I'm going to be sitting here waiting; waiting for your phone call and then waiting for the day I will actually see you. A little distance between us is going to drive me crazy, but I know it'll all work out just fine. Till then, I will just be waiting for the day when we will actually be together.
How are you, my dear, are you tired, are you ok? I always ask you lots of questions, not because I just am curious, but because every question comes from inside my heart. We are so far apart from each other, and I try so much to be with you. This is difficult, but nothing on earth can make me lose my true love for you…
...I don't really know when I first started to love you. Maybe it started with sending texts back and forth every day, opening with a "good morning" or ending with a "good night" with a lot of feeling. Then, one day, I found myself loving you and couldn't stop that feeling. Just knowing you more and more each day, and seeing how you understood everything I did, I started to love you more and more. Every time you say "Hi," you brighten my life.
Every night when I close my eyes, thoughts of you fill me with joy. Every morning when I open my eyes, you're the first thought on my mind. I am certain that I am in love with you. I want to hold you, kiss you and to feel your body near me. If you'll be mine, you'll make me the happiest woman in the world. If you turn me away, I don't know if I can take it. But either way, you'll always be the greatest love I've ever had
I remember we talked for hours about anything and everything. I never expected we would say we loved each other even before we met in person. Now don't get me wrong--I believe in love at first sight, but I thought I would be the last person to be bitten by that bug.
For just one look into your eyes makes everything in the world and in my life seem to glow. You make me want to see the sunrise every day, to know it's another day where I could have you by my side. Your touch will forever caress me with tenderness, and your kisses will keep the flame in my heart alive. You stole my heart and made it skip a beat. You have been the highlight of my life ever since then. When I sleep, I dream of you. When I work, we work together. When your heart beats, mine beats with yours. I feel warm all over, and my heart skips a beat whether we're on the phone. I have the same dream we both want, and that is for both of us to fall in love with our best friend.
You've changed my life so completely. What would I ever do without you? I don't even want to think about it, and I pray that I never have to. The more I get to know you, the more I want to know, and the more I can't wait for each new day, just to be with you, just to see the smile on your face. Every day I love you more, and every day I realize to a greater extent how much this relationship means to me, how much you mean to me. You are everything to me
I wonder if you know how much I look forward to the simple things we share, like our talk fest over dinner at the end of a long workday. It's a great stress reliever to tell you all the day's events and listen to you analyze why this happened, or why that person behaved the way they did, and then speculate together on how tomorrow will line up. On the weekends, I enjoy relaxing with you and just watching a movie, critiquing every aspect of the production like professional movie critics, making judgments on everything from the casting choices to the quality of the screenplay.
I can't even imagine my life now without all the things we enjoy together--our passionate lovemaking, luxurious bubble baths, and lazy sleep-ins on Sunday morning. Through the days and through the nights, thank you for always being there; I'll always be there for you. I want you to know how much I truly love and appreciate you, Sweetheart. You mean everything to me.
I am forever yours.
I am so grateful that you are in my life. Your tender caring and gentle ways, your strength, and your love for life have influenced every part of who I am, even down to the colors that I like--remember how I used to hate red before you came along? You've encouraged me to do things that I may never have had the courage to try without you--things like scuba diving, rock climbing, even sky diving. You've also helped me to appreciate things that I had always taken slightly for granted to a greater extent--things like the importance of families and patriotism. You've also helped me gain an interest in preserving and enjoying the natural beauty around us.
My beautiful love, you are my sunrise and sunset. You are my world and you have been since the first time I saw you from afar. My heart leaped in my chest and the vision of you made me catch my breath. Your hair was lightly blowing in the breeze, and the sun was bouncing off your face, making your eyes sparkle like stars in the midnight sky. I felt love the first time I looked at you, and my world became a beautiful place to live in. I often ask myself, what in the world would I do without you now? I hope to never find out the answer to that question
I always thought that dreams were just dreams, but you made them all come true and even better, you built new dreams with me! I cannot thank you enough for being more than perfect because you showed me that even all the things that seem wrong are actually opportunities to work at them together and bring us closer together. No matter how far you are and no matter what you do, I always want you to know how much you mean to me, and how much I truly love you and how much I will always be yours forever.
I love you so much and wish I could be there to hug and kiss you all day and all night long, but for now, this love letter will have to be my message. Please know that you are a big part of me and I think of you all the time. I love you, and I've loved you before I was born, because I believe I was made for you, and will be yours for all eternity
POETRY: I'LL LOVE YOU THEN AFTER DEATH TOO
Time counts its minutes
Life creates our moments
This day will come unexpectedly
For every one of us.
In the horizon her figure appeared.
It was like a miracle,
The Heavens sending an Angel.
Her beauty made perfect
Vibrant was her presence
Her appearance drowned my thoughts
And when awaken
All is lost.
I wanted so eagerly to feel her heart
It's beat, rhythm, and all it's parts
All this I wanted to gain
But didn't have the strength to open
My precious dream of her
Will always be with me.
Her sacred beauty
Wasn't meant for me
Just like the sea
Darkness is infinity,
For a short time
I was able to see
2
Like a storm,
With want of
thunder;
I wait
quietly
for you...
A raging passion
in the vacuum
of tomorrows...
silenced, contained
swirling to and fro.
Your gift,
for which I yearn
...eludes;
suspending my breath
in a purgatory
of ceaseless
desire...
3
In my mind you are
a purple orchid
Exotic, tender, passionate
and wild
Untouchable, fragrant
bloom of dark desires
Evoking my deepest thoughts
Lost in the dreamy wonder
of an eastern forest
You are there among
the whispering glades
Of soft green bamboo
Delicately embracing the moist
warm air of night
A lover of another world
Of fantasies ethereal,
yet profoundly real
Earthy, yet ether's child
My chocolate sweetness
in distant lands
A darkened flower of
refined passion
My purple orchid
4
When the wind comes swirling a fall palette of oak and paper birch,
And the breath of morning is a soft fog upon your lips,
The blessings of summer linger in your eyes and in your arms.
Then, when the shimmer of Winter's stars
Recast rough fields into pastures of soft blue silk,
I scratch your image on frost-crusted panes
And find you laughing in every icy reflection
And dancing at every hearth.
In Spring you are there in every verdant expectation,
In every budding promise,
There, in every reawaking stream
And in every captive sun drop, gleaming from its dewy prison.
You are there, too, gleefully present,
In the chorus of newborn voices impatiently tuning
For Summer's grand oratorio.
Then
Paced by the keen rhythms of our own desires
At last we dance,
You and I in the full radiance of the High Solstice,
Twirling in the buttery moonlight,
We;
Transformed, immortal, a new constellation gleaming in the night sky,
Twin diamonds set together,
Forever.
5
Her beauty alone my eyes have seen,
My eyes have seen her stunning face,
Her stunning face no artist dreams,
No artist dreams such gentle grace.
Such gentle grace could God create,
Could God create such a wondrous thing,
A wondrous thing that blessed my soul,
My soul now hears the seraphs sing.
The seraphs sing when love exists,
When love exists two hearts will share,
Two hearts will share an eternal love,
An eternal love they'll both declare.
They'll both declare a love for each,
A love for each to last till death,
Till death at last removes the love,
The love that's lost with their final breath.
6
I love you, I loved you & I'll love you everlastingly.
No matter what the world says,
if 100 years I get to live,
loyal I am,
loyal will be,
& when dying I'll confess that I love thee.
I don't forget you for a second, a minute or even an hour,
not while sleeping, nor while awake,
& if in this world I love you,
I'll love you then after death too.
Life creates our moments
This day will come unexpectedly
For every one of us.
In the horizon her figure appeared.
It was like a miracle,
The Heavens sending an Angel.
Her beauty made perfect
Vibrant was her presence
Her appearance drowned my thoughts
And when awaken
All is lost.
I wanted so eagerly to feel her heart
It's beat, rhythm, and all it's parts
All this I wanted to gain
But didn't have the strength to open
My precious dream of her
Will always be with me.
Her sacred beauty
Wasn't meant for me
Just like the sea
Darkness is infinity,
For a short time
I was able to see
2
Like a storm,
With want of
thunder;
I wait
quietly
for you...
A raging passion
in the vacuum
of tomorrows...
silenced, contained
swirling to and fro.
Your gift,
for which I yearn
...eludes;
suspending my breath
in a purgatory
of ceaseless
desire...
3
In my mind you are
a purple orchid
Exotic, tender, passionate
and wild
Untouchable, fragrant
bloom of dark desires
Evoking my deepest thoughts
Lost in the dreamy wonder
of an eastern forest
You are there among
the whispering glades
Of soft green bamboo
Delicately embracing the moist
warm air of night
A lover of another world
Of fantasies ethereal,
yet profoundly real
Earthy, yet ether's child
My chocolate sweetness
in distant lands
A darkened flower of
refined passion
My purple orchid
4
When the wind comes swirling a fall palette of oak and paper birch,
And the breath of morning is a soft fog upon your lips,
The blessings of summer linger in your eyes and in your arms.
Then, when the shimmer of Winter's stars
Recast rough fields into pastures of soft blue silk,
I scratch your image on frost-crusted panes
And find you laughing in every icy reflection
And dancing at every hearth.
In Spring you are there in every verdant expectation,
In every budding promise,
There, in every reawaking stream
And in every captive sun drop, gleaming from its dewy prison.
You are there, too, gleefully present,
In the chorus of newborn voices impatiently tuning
For Summer's grand oratorio.
Then
Paced by the keen rhythms of our own desires
At last we dance,
You and I in the full radiance of the High Solstice,
Twirling in the buttery moonlight,
We;
Transformed, immortal, a new constellation gleaming in the night sky,
Twin diamonds set together,
Forever.
5
Her beauty alone my eyes have seen,
My eyes have seen her stunning face,
Her stunning face no artist dreams,
No artist dreams such gentle grace.
Such gentle grace could God create,
Could God create such a wondrous thing,
A wondrous thing that blessed my soul,
My soul now hears the seraphs sing.
The seraphs sing when love exists,
When love exists two hearts will share,
Two hearts will share an eternal love,
An eternal love they'll both declare.
They'll both declare a love for each,
A love for each to last till death,
Till death at last removes the love,
The love that's lost with their final breath.
6
I love you, I loved you & I'll love you everlastingly.
No matter what the world says,
if 100 years I get to live,
loyal I am,
loyal will be,
& when dying I'll confess that I love thee.
I don't forget you for a second, a minute or even an hour,
not while sleeping, nor while awake,
& if in this world I love you,
I'll love you then after death too.
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