PERSONAL/LETTER: DEAR YOU AGAIN

Dear You again.,

Can I call you snowflake, Once we’re married I’m sure I’ll have all kinds of other nicknames for you. Certainly one of them will involve the word “pumpkin” because, obviously, pumpkin is the most fucking adorable word in the English language. 

But listen. There’s plenty of time to iron all that out later.

I’ve been thinking about this whole marriage thing a lot. The Universe has thrown us an unmistakable sign that we are each other’s destinies. But the thing is, I already have one failed marriage under my belt. . It’s really important that we do it right this time.

Considering that we haven’t met in person yet and that you don’t know I exist, I think it should jump right into this relationsihp. I can sense that if you were actually reading this, you’d be nodding your head slowly and thoughtfully, indicating your agreement. So thank you for that.

Unfortunately, you’re at a disadvantage in getting to know me, your future husband and father of your children. I’m not famous so you can’t just Google me — and we all know that Googling someone is an excellent way to get to know them.

That’s why I’ve decided to give you some one-stop shopping. I’ll compile everything you need to know about me right here on the old blog: past relationships, sex, divorce, all the things that make me tick … That way you can discover those tiny little details that will make you love me in the beginning — and that later will make you want to kill me in my sleep.

I’ll probably post things here al the time  I’m sure you, as my cosmically appointed soulmate, understand this. And I have to say, I think it’s pretty goddamn adorable that you’re already accepting me for me, even before you know who I am.

Because here’s the thing, Dating s is like shopping at the scratch and dent appliance store. You’re not gonna find something new and perfect. The best you can hope for is something where the dings only show from certain angles. I’m willing to show you my damage with the expectation that you’ll still want me anyway.

So let’s do this thing. Let’s make it fucking happen so we can live in eternal goddamn rapture together or some shit.

By the way, a few of my friends have offered to throw the wedding for us. I declined, as neither of us is a first-timer at this thang. I was thinking maybe a Justice of the Peace and then having some pizzas sent over to the corner suite at the Best Western. That work for you?

Rock on, future wife girl. Marital bliss, here we come.

I am searching for my future wife/soulmate. Please stop by again.