LOVE:WHY IS IT SO HORRIBLE BEING ALONE

Why? Why is being alone so horrible?

“Because I don’t want to be alone. It feels awful.” – Why? What would you have if you were not alone that you cannot have without a partner?

“I’d get laid, for one thing. And I’d get cuddles, and have someone to talk to.” – Dig deeper. What would you be able to feel that you don’t now feel? What would you NOT feel that you do now feel?

“Ok. Right now I feel lonely. I feel rejected. I feel afraid that I might never find another woman, that I’ll be alone forever. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Maybe my vibration is broken. Maybe I’m just crap at creating my reality. I want someone in my life. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to feel wanted and needed. I want someone to come home to because I hate being alone at night. That’s the worst time, that’s when the loneliness really hits me.” – Why? Why at night?

“Well, I suppose that’s when there are fewer distractions. That’s when the thoughts come up.” – What thoughts?

“The unhappy thoughts. That I’m not good enough. That nobody wants me.”

So, what you’re saying is that when you have someone in your life, someone who looks at you with eyes of love and acceptance, it’s easier for you to feel good about yourself. And that when you’re alone, it becomes painfully apparent that you don’t really feel all that great about yourself, quite the contrary actually. In fact, you think so little of yourself, that you think the odds of you finding even one more person in this entire world with its billions of people are slim.

Of course it’s easier to feel loved when someone loves you. And of course it’s easier to feel accepted and validated when someone accepts you. It’s easier to feel worthy. But that’s a bit like saying it’s easier to feel happy when you’re stoned. Yes, it works, but it’s temporary. When you depend on an outside source to make you feel good, you are, once again, giving your power away. The second that this person withdraws their attention or leaves your reality, you’ll come down off your high and go into withdrawal. Not only that, but since your good feelings are based entirely on the behavior of the other person, you need them to give you your fix all the freaking time. The second they don’t, your true emotions come to the surface and they feel awful. You become needy (a bit like a drug addict jonesing for the needle) and afraid that you might never get that feeling back. You forget that you can feel good on your own, without the attention of a woman, and you become dependent on your fix.

But you do have the power to feel good, all on your own. You don’t need the artificial stimulation of drugs, and you don’t need women to make you feel good. Of course, it’s a lot easier to enjoy a good glass of wine when you no longer NEED it. And it’s a lot easier to enjoy a relationship and relate to a man in a healthy way, when you no longer NEED her to make you feel good.

Ask “What if?”

Now that I’ve explained why you feel the way you do (which can bring relief already), let’s look at how to shift those feelings. We’ve identified your core fear:

You’re not good enough

There are many, many different ways to approach a belief like this. We could dig down and figure out how this belief was formed (usually in childhood) and help you come to a different conclusion. We could find related memories which have the same energy but don’t trigger you as much, and reframe them, thereby shifting the energy of the whole. But these techniques take a bit of time and require some expertise, and I know you want some relief NOW. It’s also nearly impossible to use them WHILE you’re being triggered.

I could also tell you to change the subject, find something to focus on that’s not related and already feels good, but I’m guessing that you’ve already tried that and the thoughts about your ex are just too in your face to ignore. The bastards won’t shut the hell up.

So, we’re going to use the WHAT IF technique. Essentially, you take the opposite of your fears and ask “What if that scenario I want were true?”

What if you were good enough? What if your ex didn’t leave you because you’re not good enough, but because you’re about to shift out of that limiting belief and she doesn’t have the ability to keep up with the new, fabulous you?  What if you’re on your way to an even better relationship?

It’s all about the upgrade

How about this: you manifested this woman. You focused on finding a smiling woman and you got one. Was she perfect? Yes. She was the perfect mirror to your vibration. She had loads of good stuff (to which you had to be a match, so bravo!), and some bad stuff (mirroring your fears back to you so you could become aware of them, release them and manifest someone even better! So yay!). She wasn’t a match to everything you wanted, but she was a match to what you were capable of receiving. Now, if you managed to manifest one pretty awesome woman, what in the hell makes you think that you can’t manifest another one?? Do you think you only get one?  There can’t be only one. There can be many. You can have as many as you need to practice on until you get it right. You get to keep refining what you want and what you’re a match to, and if the woman you’re currently with can’t keep up with you, you get to upgrade to a newer model with more features.

When your old, rickety computer becomes too slow and finally gives out on you, do you become afraid that you’ll never, ever get another computer, or are you excited to get a newer, better one? Now, before I’m accused of supporting the act of leaving an old, wrinkly spouse for a younger, bouncier model, let me point out that in this analogy, the old, slow PC often does have the ability to morph into a newer model (it, like, adds memory and shit. Ok, no analogy is perfect *sigh*).

So, what if you did find another woman, and one that was even BETTER than your ex? Take a moment and let that sink in. Yes, it will feel weird and you may even feel reluctant to go there. Bust through the reluctance and allow yourself to dream. No harm will come of it, I promise.

What if it’s only going to bet better?

What if you got a woman who had all the great qualities of Mrs or Miss. Ex, and MORE? What if the things that annoyed you about X weren’t there, but instead, there were qualities you enjoyed? What if she was attentive and kind and sexy and successful and happy and adventurous and cuddly and amazing in bed and enthusiastic and funny and smart and witty and adorable and strong and emotionally evolved, and absolutely freaking crazy about you? Make sure you spend at least 15 minutes envisioning this.

Why 15 minutes? Because most people quit way too early and don’t get all the way there, they don’t get the benefit of actually feeling the massive shift that comes when you really reach for the emotion you’re trying to achieve. If you aim for 15 minutes, you’ll there. Also, most people are horrible at judging how long they’ve been focusing. When I tell them to focus for at least 2 minutes, they invariably quit after 20 seconds. So, I’m upping the instruction to 15.


As you imagine the first WHAT IF scenario, you’re going to notice that some resistance comes up. For example, you may find yourself unwilling to imagine yourself with a successful woman, even though that’s what you really want. Ask yourself “Why” questions and dig down until you get an answer. You may mind that you have an association – you believe that if a woman is attractive she can’t also be attentive;

You may then find yourself unwilling to imagine she being really attractive to you. Dissect the reluctance by asking “Why” questions. You may figure out that you believe that if she’s really sexy (in your eyes), then she can’t possibly be attracted to you. This is a common belief. Now, turn that belief on its head and ask WHAT IF. What if she was super hot AND couldn’t keep her hands off you? This will be an uncomfortable thought at first. Set the timer and persevere.

Give yourself permission to go for it

The most important thing to remember in this exercise is that you MUST give yourself permission to imagine the WHAT IF scenarios. Just go for it. Don’t hold back. Push through the reluctance and play pretend. What if it all worked out? What if you’re supposed to be happy? What if imagining these scenarios could bring them about? What if we’re all a lot more powerful than we were taught to believe? What if this is all a hell of a lot simpler than we thought it was?

What if we’re all supposed to get exactly what we want? What if we did get exactly what we want? What if everything that happens is just designed to move us closer to what we want, and what if that’s working whether or not we realize it or even believe it? What if all your life has been leading up to this moment? What if you let go, relaxed, trusted that everything is always working out for you, and just went with it? What if you stopped struggling? What if it was easy? What would that look like? What would it feel like?

Yeah.