So many of us enter relationship and still think, feel, and act in the "I". I see so many people who go to bed with each other, partnered in their living arrangement, yet they remain uncoupled in most of their thoughts, feelings, and actions. They have gone through the motions of becoming a "we", but they still think mostly in the 'I". So many woman social skills are still rooted in the single world.
The resistane of becoming we is built out of years of separateness and alot of fear. A friend ask you if you have plans for the evening. Not the difference between saying:
I'm busy tonight" and saying "We're busy tonight" ( one is self-involved, the other presents a united front)
Speaking in the "we: opens the doors to feelings more "we". As this feeling builds, it isn't long before the "we" words start coming from the inside-out. It's almost magical how much power these words have to affect your heart.
I have seen couple on the street and I am sure you have also who when they are out in public...show no evidence of their connection. They don't:
-hold hands
-kiss
-walk down the street like they were a couple
We must make conscious practice..."we" gesture and "we" language work their way from the outside, in, slowing breaking down internal resistance and old "i" pattern.It really important for each and every one of us who desire greater intimacy to acknowledge just how scary it is to exchange the safer, more predictable, more controllable state of "I" for a riskier, less predictable, less controbbable, genuine feeling of "we". In our heart of hearts. many of us cling to the noting that we have less to lose by staying emotionally separate. Yet as the door stays closed, the more rewarding kind of partnership remains beyond our gasp. We all have reasons to retreat into the "I", but the only way to build a strong relaitonship that can be trusted is to challenge those reason and take the risk of reaching out for support.
It is easy to lose your connection to the "we" when you get caught up in your own fear, frustation, anger, confusion, or passion. then you start behaving "single" never considering the consequence of that behavior until later. Being in a loving relationship means understanding that what is best for ME is not always best for WE.
Sometimes we can very "we" around the positive things in our relationship, yet very "i" around the annoying, unpleasant, or difficult things....for example. I remember when i got a ticket by a cop unfairly...and since it wasn't her parking ticket...she really didn't care...and sided with the cop.
I am a strong believer that you have to make time for "we"....it is relationship oxygen. Without that time together, the two of us will quickly start to feel like two separated satellites that bump into each other on rare, unpredictable occasions. I rather stay at home for a quiet evening together because to me that is more important than going out to an exciting party that will send me to a separate corner of the room. Making time for "we" means putting aside "I" wants and needs and making time for shared activity, even if that activity is hanging around the house and doing nothing.
With my relationship with Melissa..and Maria...i would tell them I need more time, and they would come up with " I have so much on my plate...what item do u want me to take off.....i can't take any of them off". Or they would tell me..that I wasn't understanding or selfish for wanting more time. I won't get into a relationship like that ever again
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