JOURNAL/SPIRITUAL/COMMITMENT: GETTING TO THE CORE ...I FOUND FEAR

What does it mean to commit to a relationship.

-You can commit to monogramy..you won't have a relationship without that
-You can commit to staying together no matter what happens. The strength of a relationship lies in the knowledge that you will always be there for each other.


I love Maria. I think about her every day and every night. Months after months I thought about her, longed for her, and dreamed about a life with her. It didn't happen. She wasn't ready to surrender completely as much as I was to her.Being with Maria...has been a big part of my identity. As today went on...each hour brought more and pain and the night was the worse. Have you ever hurt yourself, but you didn't feel the pain until later, when the numbness disappeared and your hurt began to throb? That is what happening to me. I wondered if I could live thought it.

I ask myself...over and over again...How did I create this? I had felt this pain before with other partners....Joanne...Melissa. I didn't ever want to feel it again. I didn't think I could survive if i did. I wanted this answer as if my life depended on it, and I think that it did. After a couple of hours...and while I was driving home from the city today. I thought of "fear". At last I had found something to grasp, like a thread in a taperstry. I intended to keep pulling it until the entire mystery unravled. I lay in bed, terrified. I never imagined that I could feel frightened. I was afraid of the winter. I was afraid of the cold. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of everything. "Fear and trembling" took on new meaning. I never knew that I had fear like that in me. When it came, it came like an ocean. I was afraid to be alive. I thought this must be the bottom of my painful excavation, but it wasn't.

Beneath my fear I discovered yet another layer: lack of self-worth. I am doctor and help people all the time. I couldn't imagine people liking me once they got to know who I really was. I felt there must be something wrong with anyone who was attracted to me. I couldn't find anything about me that I appreciated. Until that moment, I had thought so highly of myself. I was shocked.

When I realized that I had no appreciation of myself at all, all of the things that I had discovered suddenly came together. Because I had no self-worth, I did not believe that I had a right to live, I was terrified of everything. Because I was terrified of everything, I needed to control everything---and my need was intense because, emotionally, it was a mater of life and death. I like to control my partner sexually. I decided to go the root of the problem. I will not work on my fear. I will go to work on my lack of self-worth.

Intimacy is not always comfortable. I thought that most of my relationship were very intimate because we loved each other so deeply, but most of my partner didn't have the courage to be really intimate so deeply. Most of my partner never discussed their deepest fears with me. They never told me of their inadequate, and frightened.


I think Maria...realized that she was the one who had difficulties commiting to our relationship even thought we shared so much love. You see .... I realized there was only one thing I could commit to with all my heart. That is my own growth---my spiritual growth. I want to get married...buy a house and Maria want to take things slow. I still do love her.....I really wanted Maria and I to grow together.


What you want most is what you think about and talk about. If you want money more than anything else, you think and talk about money. If you want to become aware of your feeling, you think and talk about your feelings. I want to go to into a relationship to find out what makes me angry or frigtened. I want to heal all the part of myself that are not healthy. What your partner challenges you to do when he or she grows spiritually is exactly what you need to do in order to grow spiritually yourself. Until you have the courage to enter into relationships of substance and depth, you cannot develop spiritually. Shallow talk isn't enough anymore. Making money, raising children, and buying a houses aren't enough. Only spiritual growth satisfies.

Do you trust your experiences? When you are having an arugment, do you trust that your agrument is telling you something important about yourself? When you are fumming, do you trust that your rage is showing you something about yourself that you need to see? The more you learn, the less often you become angry, withdrawn, and frightened. If you try to learn something each time you fall, it won't take you long to keep your balance on skis. If you try to learn something everytime you get angry, or sad, or frightened, it won't take you long to keep your balance when you start to feel angry, sad, or frightened.

Know something deep inside your is different from knowing something because other people tell you. You know what you know. Changing inside is like that. You see things differently, and no one has to explain it to you.