I thought I have found "THE ONE" my true love, the equivalent of me,a couple of time in my life, but it was only a mirage, I could see it, smell it, and feel it but it wasn't there. It dissapeared, without a trace. I have prayed to God over & over again, and wondered if I was asking for too much, all I want is to have someone to love, and freely love them, and feel safe knowing that they would never go no where, someone who would love me back with just as much passion. Someone who can taste me and breathe me into their very existence and feel that without me there is no her. Someone who will make me feel like my dream has finally come true, like God was really listening to me. My heart aches, my body aches, my soul aches, my mind aches, because all I want is true love with my soul mate, my perfect match, the one God made especially for me, and I have not found her, nothing but a few false alarms. I want to walk down the street with my woman,! and have everyone stare at us, and wish they had what we had, and we know how lucky we are. I want someone to appreciate me for everything I am, good & bad, just like I will appreciate her for everything that makes her- her- good & bad. I want to feel her naked body next to mine as we sleep at night, breathing her in, her holding me with hunger as we fall asleep together. l want to be able to make love to her mind, to her body, to her soul, one connected, in a rythym with God with the universe, and feel like we are in heaven. I have always said that God made "adam" then he made "eve" for "adam" because he was alone ( he made her especially for him) that's what I want, someone especially for me, that it hurts when we are not together, that she need me as much as I need her. That we be happy that we finally met each other, and we no longer have to look hope or wait. Someone who could love me with as much passion, with as much intensity. The world becomes a scary place when you ! feel you are the only one of your knid, that you are the only person that can understand the depth of the love you can hold inside you & give away, and all you want is for someone to have as much love in their hearts for you, that nothing can come between you. I live in this world of love, and I don't want to be there alone. I need to be loved, nurtured, spoiled, cared for, kissed, hugged, missed, laughed with, played with, talked with, challenged with, be passionate with, loved with, learned with, I want to be his everything and I want someone to be my everything. I want to share my world, my love, my life, my thoughts with someone. I always get what I want, work, good friends, goals come easy to accomplish to me, good family. God gave me luck in always finding a good job, he gave me the best friend I could ask for, He gave me a good mother, he gave me a kind heart, but the one thing He hasn't blessed me with is luck with Love. I know God loves me, He must love me, but I always ask m! yself why not me, why not now.
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I know the type of relationship i want. Trust stems from keeping our word. If we say we will be there for the other person, then we should be there. It comes from being dependable, from being open and honest and not hiding things. Trusting another person, earning and holding the trust of another, is basic to any interpersonal relationship, because without trust there is only doubt and other associated negative thoughts and feelings. Most woman trust issuse is based on an event from the past. Their past. I have been lied to and cheated in the past just as often as anyone else. I lay my soul bear on my website in my poem...in my blog. There a underlining feeling from all my word>>If you want my trust, you're going to have to prove yourself. How does one prove herself? What actions are necessary, and who handed the job called judge? Trust is black or white in my opininon. At any given moment, you're either in or out of the revolving doors trust. Trust is about risk. "I don't know" is another way of expressing that you're unwilling to take a risk. Why be bashful about your intentions? Bravely say instead, "I'm not up for the risk of trusting." By doing so, you may be forced to answer the next question, "Why not?"
Trust is about risk, more than it's about time.Trust is also a choice. Moment-to-moment, you get to choose whether or not you'd like to walk in or out of its circular doors. Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. I tried you in showing myself ...all of myself. I realize most people haven't really trust me competely.When you doubt the truth of everything that I write, you end up feeling crazy. It scary most people that I am so open. I trust people totally and because of that I have let down my guard and say, "I feel comfortable with you. I want to be sexual, to reveal my inner self, to be vulnerable, and to offer my unconditional love." I was taking a leap of faith. I don't know the outcome. When you decide to trust someone you open yourself up to joy — and to potential danger. Ultimately, trust requires you to move toward love and away from fear. You choose to stop being afraid of the consequences of trusting someone and to start connecting deeply with that person instead.
I can see why most people are afraid...I have been there. Because as soon as you let down your guard, you allow another person to gain control over your life. If you have sex with someone you give them the power to hurt you as well as to give you pleasure. They may infect you with a sexually transmitted disease, withhold their body, refuse to indulge in your sexual fantasies, or betray you. If you let them know exactly how much money you have, they may pressure you to share it with them. If you expose your emotional vulnerabilities, they may ridicule them, or put you down. Or if you share your fears with them, they may use this information to manipulate you. To give away control to someone else is an act of courage.Trusting in others is a measure of trust in yourself. If you don't trust yourself, you'll have trouble believing in others.
To have the relationship that i wrote about in my website. Two people who trust each other. They tell each other what they will and won't put up with. Each will be inclined to respect the other's limits, not because they fear the repercussions of violation but because they are bonded by mutual respect. If they put their feelings into words they would say to each other, "You are very precious to me. I want my next relationship to last. I will do my best to be worthy of the next partner to trust so they can be relaxed and confident with me." Or, as good friend of mine said to me recently, "Trust me that I will never deliberately do anything that would hurt you, be unloving, or be disrespectful." I would never deliberately do anything that would hurt you , be unloving to you.
Friday, August 31, 2012
LOVE: SWEETNESS OF LOVE
Nobody wants a bitter life, everyone wants a sweet life. Or does anyone want a bitter life? A peppered life? No! Everyone asks to have a sweet life. Nevertheless, in our days many lives are very bitter. It isn't sweet.
This is a spiritual meeting, and the goal of such spiritual meeting for every spiritual master is to make people happy. That is to make their life sweet. A sweet life is a happy life. Happiness is sweetness for our lives. That is the main goal. When the goal is known the next step is to ask how to reach it. What is the way? Which is the method with which we can reach a sweet life? It is your right to ask this from your master. With my spiritual hearing, I am hearing this question in the heart, and I'm getting the answer from my contact with the Spiritual Center.
There are spiritual headquarters on earth, just like there are centers for satellites on earth to give them commands. It is by remote control. Spiritual masters are also given whatever they may need spiritually. Physically it is simple, but spiritually it is important, because our physical body can only stand up through our spiritual being. When our spiritual being leaves us, the physical structure also falls down. It will be useless, so we put it in a coffin to be put underground.
So what is the way to make the life of humankind sweet?
Sweetness comes from love. The more love you use in your life, the sweeter it will be. If you don't use it, your life will be tough and rough. Tough means tasteless and difficult. It will be like wood and have no taste. Someone who never tastes love is like dry wood. When love comes to nature, nature turns green and gets its colors. Love goes through flowers, it goes through fruits. When love reaches to them in springtime, they start to laugh. So when they partake of love, they give love. That is why humankind runs to the greeneries of nature, to look and to smell it. Nature gives humankind love and humankind gives nature love. They take this love from their Creator. He gives His Divine Love to nature and nature gives it to you and you love to receive it.
You are the most important creation. You are more important than plants or horses or elephants or bears or dogs or foxes... You must respect Divine Love more than any other creature. You must give love to your surrounding. Everything around you is asking for your love. Mankind is the most important representative of Heavenly Love. You must be fountains of love, or springs of love, or taps of love, or rivers of love, or seas of love, or oceans of love. Can a person by an ocean of love? Why Not?
Many people have some of this love, but they are not increasing it. The love for devils is much greater nowadays. Those distinguished ones who came from heaven have been forgotten by humankind. Instead people are running after nonsense love, temporary love, zoo-love, animal-level love.
The animal-level love brings darkness, sadness, envy, jealousy, bad feelings and hell to humankind. We must improve and try to leave the love of animal-level by reaching a noble distinguished and Heavenly Love which belongs to the Divine Presence. Can you reach it?
Then your love will be sweeter than honey. You may be fed up when you eat a bottle of honey. You will say, "I'm fed up with honey." If I say to you, "Eat one more bottle!", you might be able to eat it. But if I say "Eat a third one!", it will be tasteless. That is not the kind of love that we are asking for, the kind of which when you taste it a second or a third time its taste will decrease. We are asking for a love which when you drink from its stream you will ask for more and more and more. That makes your life sweet.
A holy man said to the Sultan of Holiness, "I drank a cup of Divine Love and I lost myself. Nothing else has a taste for me anymore. I'm drunk with the taste of love for God and the taste is never ending in me." So the Sultan of Holiness, Abu Yazid, The King of Saints, heard this and said, "I'm also drinking, but I'm never getting enough. I'm asking for more and more and more... I'm never satisfied and I'm in endless sweetness and refreshness of the lovestreams. It gives me more refreshment and my body is getting younger and more fresh and more alive. I'm not getting older, but younger. I'm not approaching death, I refuse to die. My body does not accept death. death is escaping from me. Death runs after people who have not tasted the real love the Lord Almighty. We, who have tasted and reached the lovestreams, never die."
This is a spiritual meeting, and the goal of such spiritual meeting for every spiritual master is to make people happy. That is to make their life sweet. A sweet life is a happy life. Happiness is sweetness for our lives. That is the main goal. When the goal is known the next step is to ask how to reach it. What is the way? Which is the method with which we can reach a sweet life? It is your right to ask this from your master. With my spiritual hearing, I am hearing this question in the heart, and I'm getting the answer from my contact with the Spiritual Center.
There are spiritual headquarters on earth, just like there are centers for satellites on earth to give them commands. It is by remote control. Spiritual masters are also given whatever they may need spiritually. Physically it is simple, but spiritually it is important, because our physical body can only stand up through our spiritual being. When our spiritual being leaves us, the physical structure also falls down. It will be useless, so we put it in a coffin to be put underground.
So what is the way to make the life of humankind sweet?
Sweetness comes from love. The more love you use in your life, the sweeter it will be. If you don't use it, your life will be tough and rough. Tough means tasteless and difficult. It will be like wood and have no taste. Someone who never tastes love is like dry wood. When love comes to nature, nature turns green and gets its colors. Love goes through flowers, it goes through fruits. When love reaches to them in springtime, they start to laugh. So when they partake of love, they give love. That is why humankind runs to the greeneries of nature, to look and to smell it. Nature gives humankind love and humankind gives nature love. They take this love from their Creator. He gives His Divine Love to nature and nature gives it to you and you love to receive it.
You are the most important creation. You are more important than plants or horses or elephants or bears or dogs or foxes... You must respect Divine Love more than any other creature. You must give love to your surrounding. Everything around you is asking for your love. Mankind is the most important representative of Heavenly Love. You must be fountains of love, or springs of love, or taps of love, or rivers of love, or seas of love, or oceans of love. Can a person by an ocean of love? Why Not?
Many people have some of this love, but they are not increasing it. The love for devils is much greater nowadays. Those distinguished ones who came from heaven have been forgotten by humankind. Instead people are running after nonsense love, temporary love, zoo-love, animal-level love.
The animal-level love brings darkness, sadness, envy, jealousy, bad feelings and hell to humankind. We must improve and try to leave the love of animal-level by reaching a noble distinguished and Heavenly Love which belongs to the Divine Presence. Can you reach it?
Then your love will be sweeter than honey. You may be fed up when you eat a bottle of honey. You will say, "I'm fed up with honey." If I say to you, "Eat one more bottle!", you might be able to eat it. But if I say "Eat a third one!", it will be tasteless. That is not the kind of love that we are asking for, the kind of which when you taste it a second or a third time its taste will decrease. We are asking for a love which when you drink from its stream you will ask for more and more and more. That makes your life sweet.
A holy man said to the Sultan of Holiness, "I drank a cup of Divine Love and I lost myself. Nothing else has a taste for me anymore. I'm drunk with the taste of love for God and the taste is never ending in me." So the Sultan of Holiness, Abu Yazid, The King of Saints, heard this and said, "I'm also drinking, but I'm never getting enough. I'm asking for more and more and more... I'm never satisfied and I'm in endless sweetness and refreshness of the lovestreams. It gives me more refreshment and my body is getting younger and more fresh and more alive. I'm not getting older, but younger. I'm not approaching death, I refuse to die. My body does not accept death. death is escaping from me. Death runs after people who have not tasted the real love the Lord Almighty. We, who have tasted and reached the lovestreams, never die."
LOVE: WHAT IS TRUE LOVE?
ople lack support, care and attention to their person or they just scared to stay single. Being with someone can be a habit when one simply got used to the other. It can either be a sick addiction or some self-interest. People call all these types of relationship love just by mistake or trying to conceal the true nature of it.
But than what does real love look and feel like? Maybe it’s when two people seem to know each other for ages and even in their previous lives. They can go on talking and talking and conversation never lacks topics and never gets dull. Or people don’t have to say anything because they understand each other without words. And those moments, minutes and even hours of silence are never uncomfortable. True love is when partners complete one another, when they’re together it’s peaceful, the whole other world with it’s sufferings and problems doesn’t exist and nothing even matters.
True love means understanding. One trusts another more than him/herself and feels ready to satisfy every little need of a partner. Two people don’t stop for a second looking into each other eyes.
It’s said that two persons truly in love aren’t looking at each other but in the one direction. And this is rather reasonable because they don’t say nothing “this is yours and this is mine” and share everything: friends, enemies, interests, problems and etc. One has his/her own identity but sees him/herself only as a part of the other. Still real love is not a relationship of property. If you really love someone you may say “I belong you” but always be ready to let go if it makes the person you love happy.
Jealousy stands out of the true love. How can one be jealous if there’s so much love and faithfulness? Real love doesn’t long for power, it doesn’t want to hurt, doesn’t want to punish for mistakes, it’s self-sacrificing and ready to forgive other and other again. But it’s wrong to think that true love is always a suffering, it only means that you take a person as he or she is and don’t expect the one you love to be perfect.
True love isn’t supposed to blow your mind, yet it doesn’t tend to get and to possess – it’s a and very special state of a soul.
But the question that true love is still has no definite answer. Do we truly love only once in our life? At what age are we supposed to meet our love? Does it last for a lifetime or just for a while? Probably everyone has his own answers to this questions. The truth is that no one should spend life chasing ideals or building relationships by some model of a true love. One will probably fail and miss the real thing beyond all this.
We should remember that very many things we need to supply our healthy and comfortable living but only the true feeling of love makes life really longer and happier. And this is scientifically proved.
But than what does real love look and feel like? Maybe it’s when two people seem to know each other for ages and even in their previous lives. They can go on talking and talking and conversation never lacks topics and never gets dull. Or people don’t have to say anything because they understand each other without words. And those moments, minutes and even hours of silence are never uncomfortable. True love is when partners complete one another, when they’re together it’s peaceful, the whole other world with it’s sufferings and problems doesn’t exist and nothing even matters.
True love means understanding. One trusts another more than him/herself and feels ready to satisfy every little need of a partner. Two people don’t stop for a second looking into each other eyes.
It’s said that two persons truly in love aren’t looking at each other but in the one direction. And this is rather reasonable because they don’t say nothing “this is yours and this is mine” and share everything: friends, enemies, interests, problems and etc. One has his/her own identity but sees him/herself only as a part of the other. Still real love is not a relationship of property. If you really love someone you may say “I belong you” but always be ready to let go if it makes the person you love happy.
Jealousy stands out of the true love. How can one be jealous if there’s so much love and faithfulness? Real love doesn’t long for power, it doesn’t want to hurt, doesn’t want to punish for mistakes, it’s self-sacrificing and ready to forgive other and other again. But it’s wrong to think that true love is always a suffering, it only means that you take a person as he or she is and don’t expect the one you love to be perfect.
True love isn’t supposed to blow your mind, yet it doesn’t tend to get and to possess – it’s a and very special state of a soul.
But the question that true love is still has no definite answer. Do we truly love only once in our life? At what age are we supposed to meet our love? Does it last for a lifetime or just for a while? Probably everyone has his own answers to this questions. The truth is that no one should spend life chasing ideals or building relationships by some model of a true love. One will probably fail and miss the real thing beyond all this.
We should remember that very many things we need to supply our healthy and comfortable living but only the true feeling of love makes life really longer and happier. And this is scientifically proved.
LOVE: TO FUSE SEX WITH LOVE
Most people believe sex and love are mutually exclusive phenomena, that in certain instances can and do get united. My contention, however, is that, that union is NOT necessary, and is purely dependent upon the values and motivations of the individuals involved.
Thus, I can choose have purely physical, animalistic sex with a person and not have a shred of romantic love for the person -- my doing so is based on my values and motivations. I do not value this person involved, and my motive is purely to get physical, momentary, sexual gratification. This sexual activity is sufficient for me in and of itself.
OR, I could choose to fall in love with someone and have sex within the context of our romantic involvement. Here, sex becomes the medium of my expression of love for this person. My value is this person, my motive is to express that abstract nature of love to this person, and my action is sexual intimacy. This is the union of the purely physical (sex) with the purely abstract (love).
OR, I could choose to love someone purely and fully, with all my emotional involvement, but not ever have sex with this person -- either due to a physical inabilitiy in either partner, or due to other personal volitional reasons. Thus, here the purely abstract nature of love is merely expressed in its abstract form... using verbal and non-verbal means of communicating that love. I believe love does not NEED the sexual medium inorder to be effectively communicated. I believe that your partner would know and trust that you love them even if you do not have sex with them... that they do not NEED you to have sex with them to prove to them that you love them. Sex is a great and beautiful thing to be enjoyed.. but only upon the full and eager consent of all individuals involved.
This is my opinion that clearly clashes with the Randian view of love and sex. According to Rand, having only abstract love is a breach of integrity and would therefore be a vice. In her philosophical paradigm, love would be virtuous only when it is united with the physical expression of sexual intimacy. According to her, sex is to love what action is to thought. She says that we live in our minds and that existence is the attempt to bring that life into physical reality. Sex is the preeminent form of bringing love into physical reality.
Clearly, there is a disagreement. And I believe, she is wrong. Based on her own premises of logic - if humans are volitional beings, every act that they perform (given conditions that allow for volition) is an act of deliberate choice. Thus, sex and love should also be subjected to those rules of choice: deliberate engagement in contexts of one's own choice and manner. To fuse sex with love as inseperable would violate the principle that humans can choose to engage in sex without falling in love, or that they can romantically love someone without needing to have sex.
Thus, I can choose have purely physical, animalistic sex with a person and not have a shred of romantic love for the person -- my doing so is based on my values and motivations. I do not value this person involved, and my motive is purely to get physical, momentary, sexual gratification. This sexual activity is sufficient for me in and of itself.
OR, I could choose to fall in love with someone and have sex within the context of our romantic involvement. Here, sex becomes the medium of my expression of love for this person. My value is this person, my motive is to express that abstract nature of love to this person, and my action is sexual intimacy. This is the union of the purely physical (sex) with the purely abstract (love).
OR, I could choose to love someone purely and fully, with all my emotional involvement, but not ever have sex with this person -- either due to a physical inabilitiy in either partner, or due to other personal volitional reasons. Thus, here the purely abstract nature of love is merely expressed in its abstract form... using verbal and non-verbal means of communicating that love. I believe love does not NEED the sexual medium inorder to be effectively communicated. I believe that your partner would know and trust that you love them even if you do not have sex with them... that they do not NEED you to have sex with them to prove to them that you love them. Sex is a great and beautiful thing to be enjoyed.. but only upon the full and eager consent of all individuals involved.
This is my opinion that clearly clashes with the Randian view of love and sex. According to Rand, having only abstract love is a breach of integrity and would therefore be a vice. In her philosophical paradigm, love would be virtuous only when it is united with the physical expression of sexual intimacy. According to her, sex is to love what action is to thought. She says that we live in our minds and that existence is the attempt to bring that life into physical reality. Sex is the preeminent form of bringing love into physical reality.
Clearly, there is a disagreement. And I believe, she is wrong. Based on her own premises of logic - if humans are volitional beings, every act that they perform (given conditions that allow for volition) is an act of deliberate choice. Thus, sex and love should also be subjected to those rules of choice: deliberate engagement in contexts of one's own choice and manner. To fuse sex with love as inseperable would violate the principle that humans can choose to engage in sex without falling in love, or that they can romantically love someone without needing to have sex.
LOVE: LESSONS TO LEARN ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
1-YOU NEED TO CUT THE CORD RATHER THAN BE A YO-YO: Some people have this notion of trying to have a long-term relationship without actually committing to it. If you hide your heart it can't be broken. But you can still break another person's heart. Don't stay with someone who is the master of sending mixed message: one day your partner wantes you and the next telling you "its over". With my exgirlfriend, Melissa...she knew the depth of my love for her and her cavalier treatment was on the verge of emotionally criminal behavior. I deride her for a lack of sensitivity and concern. Each time I saw her I prayed it was the beginning of a new beginning and she would break my heart once again. My biggest error was regarding Melissa as a savior who could calm the troubled seas of my psyche at that time. I didn't have a core of self, I was happy when Melissa wanted me and unhappy when she didn't. This unhealthy dynamic led to extremely self-destructive behavior.
2-IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH WHO YOU ARE, YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE. You can't look to your partner to define you, complete you, or give your life zip and meaning. You can't take away the pain and fear your partner has suffered in life, now expect him or her to make up for all the pain and fear you have suffered. You should nurture each other, be each other's best friend, helpmate, and cheerleader. You should call each other on your stuff loving.But don't push your partner into a boxed labeled 'perfect mate'. There is no such animal. Your lover isn't here to do your bidding. Nor are you here to do his or hers. Rather than being joined at the hip, allow each othere breathing space to grow. The more dynamic your life apart is the more you'll have to share with each other when you're cuddling at bed at night. Botton line: to succeed as a couple, you can't just be a couple, but two individual who each bring love, empathy, trust and the ablility to communicate and compromise to the relationship.
3-ONE LOVES, THE OTHER IS LOVED----NOT: Sometimes when you admire a person's intrinsic qualities you mistake your feelings for something else. I found my ex so intriguing on so many levels and I though that was enough to make me happy. But socializing with other couples who were clearly in love caused waves of loneliness to wash over me. No matter how loving I was to her...she wasn't loving back to me.
4-IF BOTH PARTNERS NEED TO BE ON TOP, THE RELATIONSHIPS GOES BELLY-UP. You can't have two captains in any relationship.
5-CANCEL THE OUT CLAUSE: We expect our partner to do the things for us that w eshould be doing for ourselves. When I get married there will be an agreement that we would never divorce. Splitting up is not a options. Having the level of commitment forces us to deal with each otehr come hell or high water. There is a feeling of safety. You are never going to be left. That was the biggest problem with me and my exgirlfriend...Melissa....she always had and escape clause when she didn't get what she wanted.
6-DON'T TREAT YOUR LOVER LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT. While love doesn't mean never saying you're sorry, it does mean never trying to change your partner's personality. The definition of not taking a lover for granted translates into treating your love with respect and compassion.
7-CAN'T GET BLOOD FROM A STONE: People who have been single have a a tendnecy to be self-centered, as there's no one else they have to please. The aggressive tendency might serve them well in business but not personal level....let's just say Melissa wasn't very forgiving of me when my attitude diverge from hers. She would guard her singleness like some precious gem. The healthies couple love each other, flaws and all. If their goals doesn't mesh, they accept that and move on, verus frantically trying to change the other person "for his or her own good".
8-TO FORGIVE TOO READILY IS NOT ALWAYS DIVINE: My fear of being alone overruled my self-dignity, sense of self-preservation--pretty much anything beginning with 'self'.
It doesn't get much sadder or less healhty than that. If someone does something unforgivable to you, instead of rationalizing away the misdeed, don't forgive that person. Once you allow a lover to get away with murder, he or she can keep chipping away at your soul, inch by painful inch. You shouldn't stay in a your soulless pairing for eight minutes, much less than eight years. It's far easier to stay mixed in 'victimhood' and keep having essentially the same relationship, than to make a real effort to change your partner behavior.
9-TWO HALF-PEOPLE DON'T MAKE ONE WHOLE: Feeling yourself to be unworthy of happiness, my mind-set is: Why shouldn't I be a vessel of joy to the unfortunate? Another factor edging toward unholy matrimony was a desire to be the center of another person's universe. If I matter to someone else, consequently I matter in the world.
Whether or not there is a partner at your side, you will survive. Making it though a breakup without cracking up gives you an underbelly of strength. It may not yet be of industrial-strength size proportions but it's start. TO coine another lyric associated with a pop-culture icon, once you emotionally own that you're gonna make it after all you no longer need a lover to make you feel whole. Most people are afraid to leave bad relationship because these negatives love affairs psychologically thrust them back into early childhood. Consequently, they suffer all over again the terror of potentially being separated from a parent. Happily, finding the courage to leave an adult relationship sends the message that you are no longer a helpness child. Finding a partner then becomes the gravy, not the meal.
You can't truly move on from the failed relationship until you emotionally lay it to rest. A symbolic gesture can be a started toward accomplishing this goal. When I am totally with the girl, that all the traits that originally attracted her no longer exists. How could they when I exist solely to please her. Remember the I part of I love you. It's healthy, not egocentric, to consider your needs in a relationship. Also remember how awful it felt to be a slave to the whims of your ex.. If you sense warning signs that you're starting down the love junkie road with a new partner, heed these signals instead of ignoring them because it feel so hedonistically wonderful to be in love. The reality is eventually you'll wake up from the passion haze and be miserable. Who needs that?
The key to finding the right person is to the right person. Figuring out just what you're done right and wrong in relationship past will enable you do do better relationship future. How do you develop that knowledge? Chart out a romantic resume of your love history. I remember writing out details of four failed romances I realized not only that I kept picking men who couldn't commit, but that I was too need with my partner.
To find the right mate you need to put pen to paper and develop a plan based on true self-understanding. Once I realized that my pattern was to date woman who needed to be rescued, I sat down, admitted to myself the ways I'd contributed to the breakup of those relationships, who I was now and wrote down the qualities I want my next, hopefully, last partner to possess.
2-IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH WHO YOU ARE, YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE. You can't look to your partner to define you, complete you, or give your life zip and meaning. You can't take away the pain and fear your partner has suffered in life, now expect him or her to make up for all the pain and fear you have suffered. You should nurture each other, be each other's best friend, helpmate, and cheerleader. You should call each other on your stuff loving.But don't push your partner into a boxed labeled 'perfect mate'. There is no such animal. Your lover isn't here to do your bidding. Nor are you here to do his or hers. Rather than being joined at the hip, allow each othere breathing space to grow. The more dynamic your life apart is the more you'll have to share with each other when you're cuddling at bed at night. Botton line: to succeed as a couple, you can't just be a couple, but two individual who each bring love, empathy, trust and the ablility to communicate and compromise to the relationship.
3-ONE LOVES, THE OTHER IS LOVED----NOT: Sometimes when you admire a person's intrinsic qualities you mistake your feelings for something else. I found my ex so intriguing on so many levels and I though that was enough to make me happy. But socializing with other couples who were clearly in love caused waves of loneliness to wash over me. No matter how loving I was to her...she wasn't loving back to me.
4-IF BOTH PARTNERS NEED TO BE ON TOP, THE RELATIONSHIPS GOES BELLY-UP. You can't have two captains in any relationship.
5-CANCEL THE OUT CLAUSE: We expect our partner to do the things for us that w eshould be doing for ourselves. When I get married there will be an agreement that we would never divorce. Splitting up is not a options. Having the level of commitment forces us to deal with each otehr come hell or high water. There is a feeling of safety. You are never going to be left. That was the biggest problem with me and my exgirlfriend...Melissa....she always had and escape clause when she didn't get what she wanted.
6-DON'T TREAT YOUR LOVER LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT. While love doesn't mean never saying you're sorry, it does mean never trying to change your partner's personality. The definition of not taking a lover for granted translates into treating your love with respect and compassion.
7-CAN'T GET BLOOD FROM A STONE: People who have been single have a a tendnecy to be self-centered, as there's no one else they have to please. The aggressive tendency might serve them well in business but not personal level....let's just say Melissa wasn't very forgiving of me when my attitude diverge from hers. She would guard her singleness like some precious gem. The healthies couple love each other, flaws and all. If their goals doesn't mesh, they accept that and move on, verus frantically trying to change the other person "for his or her own good".
8-TO FORGIVE TOO READILY IS NOT ALWAYS DIVINE: My fear of being alone overruled my self-dignity, sense of self-preservation--pretty much anything beginning with 'self'.
It doesn't get much sadder or less healhty than that. If someone does something unforgivable to you, instead of rationalizing away the misdeed, don't forgive that person. Once you allow a lover to get away with murder, he or she can keep chipping away at your soul, inch by painful inch. You shouldn't stay in a your soulless pairing for eight minutes, much less than eight years. It's far easier to stay mixed in 'victimhood' and keep having essentially the same relationship, than to make a real effort to change your partner behavior.
9-TWO HALF-PEOPLE DON'T MAKE ONE WHOLE: Feeling yourself to be unworthy of happiness, my mind-set is: Why shouldn't I be a vessel of joy to the unfortunate? Another factor edging toward unholy matrimony was a desire to be the center of another person's universe. If I matter to someone else, consequently I matter in the world.
Whether or not there is a partner at your side, you will survive. Making it though a breakup without cracking up gives you an underbelly of strength. It may not yet be of industrial-strength size proportions but it's start. TO coine another lyric associated with a pop-culture icon, once you emotionally own that you're gonna make it after all you no longer need a lover to make you feel whole. Most people are afraid to leave bad relationship because these negatives love affairs psychologically thrust them back into early childhood. Consequently, they suffer all over again the terror of potentially being separated from a parent. Happily, finding the courage to leave an adult relationship sends the message that you are no longer a helpness child. Finding a partner then becomes the gravy, not the meal.
You can't truly move on from the failed relationship until you emotionally lay it to rest. A symbolic gesture can be a started toward accomplishing this goal. When I am totally with the girl, that all the traits that originally attracted her no longer exists. How could they when I exist solely to please her. Remember the I part of I love you. It's healthy, not egocentric, to consider your needs in a relationship. Also remember how awful it felt to be a slave to the whims of your ex.. If you sense warning signs that you're starting down the love junkie road with a new partner, heed these signals instead of ignoring them because it feel so hedonistically wonderful to be in love. The reality is eventually you'll wake up from the passion haze and be miserable. Who needs that?
The key to finding the right person is to the right person. Figuring out just what you're done right and wrong in relationship past will enable you do do better relationship future. How do you develop that knowledge? Chart out a romantic resume of your love history. I remember writing out details of four failed romances I realized not only that I kept picking men who couldn't commit, but that I was too need with my partner.
To find the right mate you need to put pen to paper and develop a plan based on true self-understanding. Once I realized that my pattern was to date woman who needed to be rescued, I sat down, admitted to myself the ways I'd contributed to the breakup of those relationships, who I was now and wrote down the qualities I want my next, hopefully, last partner to possess.
LOVE: BARE YOURSELF
Many relationship derail because both partners want to be loved while neither wishes to give it. The fear is that if you give love you'll lose something. The reality is that if you're willing to offer another human being the love you secretly crave, it will boomerang back to you. A relationship shouldn't be a power struggle, but a mutual surrender to the other. The happiest couples know that their individual power is partly due to a willingness to give as well as take.
How can you detach from the need to attach? Realize that you're been taught to look outward instead of inward for the source of your happinesss. Realize it but don't judge yourself harshly for subsequently clinging to the person you believe can give you the fulfillment you seek. Looking honestly at yourself take strength and involves pain. But we grow from pain.
The act of opening up and letting someone special, someone you have solid reason to trust, really know you is a risk. It requires more courage and heart than any other human endeavor. There is no guarantee that your bravery and vulnerablity will be rewarded with a happily ever after ending. There is a guarantee that is you guard yourself against love, you will ultimately lose more than you gain. Know that even id the relastionship ultimately doesn't last you'll still be the richer for having allowed another person into your life. Loving and being loved is a journey, not a destination.
How can you detach from the need to attach? Realize that you're been taught to look outward instead of inward for the source of your happinesss. Realize it but don't judge yourself harshly for subsequently clinging to the person you believe can give you the fulfillment you seek. Looking honestly at yourself take strength and involves pain. But we grow from pain.
The act of opening up and letting someone special, someone you have solid reason to trust, really know you is a risk. It requires more courage and heart than any other human endeavor. There is no guarantee that your bravery and vulnerablity will be rewarded with a happily ever after ending. There is a guarantee that is you guard yourself against love, you will ultimately lose more than you gain. Know that even id the relastionship ultimately doesn't last you'll still be the richer for having allowed another person into your life. Loving and being loved is a journey, not a destination.
LOVE: FALLING FOR THE LAST TIME
Long gone are the days of old when parents and matchmakers decided who we would marry. Long gone are the days of old when divorce was out of the question. Why? Because we want to be happy in our marriages. We want them to be about more than just acquiring assets and offspring. Once we gave ourselves permission to have marriage be an institution based on mutual love rather than civic duty, we took off in pursuit of ‘happily ever after’ and never looked back. Mind you, we still have to figure out how to choose our own partners and how to sustain love through the tough times, but we have never lost our belief that a marriage based on love and companionship is preferable and obtainable.
It is a two step process; marry the right person and then keep the fires of passion burning. Both are challenging in and of themselves. However, if we are successful in choosing the right person, then the second step is not as difficult to accomplish.
I believes that there is no point in wasting valuable time and tears on relationships that are doomed from the beginning. “Call me silly, but I can’t help but wonder what this world would look like if everyone who wanted a warm loving marriage partner, had one. How much of the anger and aggression, depression and sadness of life could be eliminated if we were madly head over heels in love with someone who felt the same way about us?”
Too often people who are on the receiving end of a breakup do not really get concrete answers as to why everyone keeps breaking up with them. The truth is, most people do not want to be mean and tell you that you are too boring, too exciting, too clingy, too independent, too moody, or too emotionally withdrawn for their tastes. People leave you. It does not mean that you are flawed or a bad person, but that those who leave you are doing so because they see you as less than ideal in their eyes. Others will find those exact same traits as being rare and wonderful.
It is a two step process; marry the right person and then keep the fires of passion burning. Both are challenging in and of themselves. However, if we are successful in choosing the right person, then the second step is not as difficult to accomplish.
I believes that there is no point in wasting valuable time and tears on relationships that are doomed from the beginning. “Call me silly, but I can’t help but wonder what this world would look like if everyone who wanted a warm loving marriage partner, had one. How much of the anger and aggression, depression and sadness of life could be eliminated if we were madly head over heels in love with someone who felt the same way about us?”
Too often people who are on the receiving end of a breakup do not really get concrete answers as to why everyone keeps breaking up with them. The truth is, most people do not want to be mean and tell you that you are too boring, too exciting, too clingy, too independent, too moody, or too emotionally withdrawn for their tastes. People leave you. It does not mean that you are flawed or a bad person, but that those who leave you are doing so because they see you as less than ideal in their eyes. Others will find those exact same traits as being rare and wonderful.
LOVE:THE LITTLE PRINCE
I love The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery! I haven't read it for a long time though, and now what I remember as the book's "main" message that we shouldn't judge by appearance alone, that what is essential is not always visible to the eye. I was therefore surprised to come across this poignant quote by Saint-Exupery:
Love does not consist of gazing at each other,
but in looking together in the same direction.
Did this come from The Little Prince? Probably not. I would have remembered this quote from that beloved book if it came from it.
Isn't it a wonderfully atypical way of defining love though?
Looking together in the same direction... Sounds very mature and sensible to me. Especially of course since. Can there be love when there isn't trust?
When does total forgiveness come? Why does it take so long? Or should we just *not think* about forgiveness and simply accept things and get on with life?
As I ask those questions, the answers come, and there is acceptance and resignation in me. Trust is a very precious thing... I still haven't lost my faith in life and in love. On the contrary, I feel that, more than ever, I am now more trusting of life, in its infinite wisdom, that we don't always get what we want but we do get what we need, always.
Love does not consist of gazing at each other,
but in looking together in the same direction.
Did this come from The Little Prince? Probably not. I would have remembered this quote from that beloved book if it came from it.
Isn't it a wonderfully atypical way of defining love though?
Looking together in the same direction... Sounds very mature and sensible to me. Especially of course since. Can there be love when there isn't trust?
When does total forgiveness come? Why does it take so long? Or should we just *not think* about forgiveness and simply accept things and get on with life?
As I ask those questions, the answers come, and there is acceptance and resignation in me. Trust is a very precious thing... I still haven't lost my faith in life and in love. On the contrary, I feel that, more than ever, I am now more trusting of life, in its infinite wisdom, that we don't always get what we want but we do get what we need, always.
LOVE: THE PRINCESS, THE DRAGON AND THE HERO
"Every Relationship is a Fairy Tale." does it not? Yet if we look closer we may find out that it is true. We may also find that we get a clearer understanding of how to make our relationships work better.
The thing about fairy stories is that although they are completely fictional; they are also completely true! It all depends on how we look at them. They are true because of what they tell use about human nature.
Think about this. Have you ever met someone who is a 'Princess' who did not have a Dragon lurking around inside her somewhere? The samegoes for a Hero. Don't the Heroes we meet not also turn out to have Dragons inside them too?
I don't mean this in a cynical way. On the contrary, a wise understanding of this can help us to create healthier relationships. Wisdom makes a better choice than cynicism.
Fairy stories are really representations of different parts of what it is to be a human being and they illustrate what happens if some of them get out of hand. Every character needs a chance to play its part for us to be able to create healthy relationships.
From this way of looking at things; everyone has a Dragon, a Hero, a Princess and King (and so on) inside them. It does not matter whether we are male or female all these parts are in us. It is just that some will be more active than others depending on our personality and physical gender.
There are no real 'villains' in the story, because to be healthy we need all the different parts - including the Dragon.
The Dragon is not 'bad' and the Hero is not 'good'. An overzealous Hero may be constantly trying to kill their inner Dragon for the sake of 'beauty and innocence' as represented by the Princess. However, the Dragon offers its own powers, insights and abilities. It gives us a fire in our belly and without it our passion for life goes cold.
Think about what happens when a Hero kills the Dragon and marries the Princess. Whose Dragon did he kill? If he killed his own, what kind of lover will he be? Not much of one, I would suspect.
If it is her Dragon that has been killed (in the story they often have both conspired to do so) what will that do to her passion for life? Our Hero would be better off with the Scullery Maid as a wife. She knows how to 'tend a fire' - and not just in the kitchen. (Perhaps the Scullery Maid is friends with her Dragon).
Would a Hero marry a Scullery Maid? One who kills Dragons wouldn't. But, one that understood the role of Dragons might. He would be more likely to love a woman, and be there for her, through the 'drudgery' of daily chores. A healthy man will not be offended if her hair gets in a mess, or her 'clothes become tattered and bare'. He would help her rather than be off fighting needless causes.
If you are looking for a Princess, next time you find one, ask yourself, 'OK, I see the Princess - but, where is the Dragon?'. If you are looking for a Hero, and you find one, try 'OK I see the Hero, where is the Dragon?'.
Many people don't do this and then wonder why the Dragon suddenly sneaks up on them out of the blue! Or, they have held back their own Dragon so long it comes roaring out and becomes 'The Terror of all the Land'.
Remember the Dragon is not really bad, it is just needs to be given its rightful place. When you know where the Dragon lives, and a bit about what it is like, you are beginning to get to know the whole person. They are not really the Dragon, any more than they are really the parts of themselves they are more comfortable showing. They are really all of it and more.
Many men try to kill their Dragon when they meet a woman they really like. A man may be tempted to disowns parts of himself and become especially Nice. He tries to win her with flowers, gifts and compliments. The woman may wonder what happened to the interesting guy she was starting to like, as he has suddenly been replaced by a rather gushy 'Hero'.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with flowers, gifts and compliments (it might even work with a Princess). It is just better when they are an expression of what the relationship actually is rather than how one person would like it to be. It is better to be authentic than to put on a show. That's why some women end up with guys who's Dragon may be a bit wild, but at least its not dead!
On the other hand, we have probably all met people whose Dragon goes on the rampage at the least provocation. Usually this happens when we people have lost hope in finding their Hero or in finding their Princess. Ironically, it is because they are unwilling to love the Dragon in themselves, or in others, that their own Dragon gets out of hand.
After all, that is what the various parts of us need. We may find it easy to love the Princess, or the Hero. Can we learn to love the Dragon too?
I suspect that what we need from each other is help in expressing our own Dragon in healthy ways. To be able to see the other person at their 'worst' (or even at their most magnificent) and stand in our Hero with courage and love for the relationship's sake. When someone we care for gets a bit wild, or hides in their cave hoarding their jewels, can we stay confident in knowing that the other person is just finding their way to a more balanced sense of themselves?
Of course, it also wise to know when something it too much for us and it would be best to get out of a particular story.
Facing another person's Dragon can be fun. A woman I had been involved with for a while once turned to me and said, "I think this relationship is doomed!". She said it very dramatically and rather than react I just started to laugh. I did not laugh in a
mocking way, but I did tease her a bit about what she said and howshe had said it. She looked at me oddly and headed off back to her house. The next day she came back especially to tell me how impressedshe was with what I had done!
In facing a Dragon it is better to use just a light touch of the sword (Sword of Truth, Sword of Wisdom, Sword of Humor) and not go bludgeoning around. It is also best to have a very sturdy shield! Your love and respect for the Dragon in each other is your best shield.
The thing about fairy stories is that although they are completely fictional; they are also completely true! It all depends on how we look at them. They are true because of what they tell use about human nature.
Think about this. Have you ever met someone who is a 'Princess' who did not have a Dragon lurking around inside her somewhere? The samegoes for a Hero. Don't the Heroes we meet not also turn out to have Dragons inside them too?
I don't mean this in a cynical way. On the contrary, a wise understanding of this can help us to create healthier relationships. Wisdom makes a better choice than cynicism.
Fairy stories are really representations of different parts of what it is to be a human being and they illustrate what happens if some of them get out of hand. Every character needs a chance to play its part for us to be able to create healthy relationships.
From this way of looking at things; everyone has a Dragon, a Hero, a Princess and King (and so on) inside them. It does not matter whether we are male or female all these parts are in us. It is just that some will be more active than others depending on our personality and physical gender.
There are no real 'villains' in the story, because to be healthy we need all the different parts - including the Dragon.
The Dragon is not 'bad' and the Hero is not 'good'. An overzealous Hero may be constantly trying to kill their inner Dragon for the sake of 'beauty and innocence' as represented by the Princess. However, the Dragon offers its own powers, insights and abilities. It gives us a fire in our belly and without it our passion for life goes cold.
Think about what happens when a Hero kills the Dragon and marries the Princess. Whose Dragon did he kill? If he killed his own, what kind of lover will he be? Not much of one, I would suspect.
If it is her Dragon that has been killed (in the story they often have both conspired to do so) what will that do to her passion for life? Our Hero would be better off with the Scullery Maid as a wife. She knows how to 'tend a fire' - and not just in the kitchen. (Perhaps the Scullery Maid is friends with her Dragon).
Would a Hero marry a Scullery Maid? One who kills Dragons wouldn't. But, one that understood the role of Dragons might. He would be more likely to love a woman, and be there for her, through the 'drudgery' of daily chores. A healthy man will not be offended if her hair gets in a mess, or her 'clothes become tattered and bare'. He would help her rather than be off fighting needless causes.
If you are looking for a Princess, next time you find one, ask yourself, 'OK, I see the Princess - but, where is the Dragon?'. If you are looking for a Hero, and you find one, try 'OK I see the Hero, where is the Dragon?'.
Many people don't do this and then wonder why the Dragon suddenly sneaks up on them out of the blue! Or, they have held back their own Dragon so long it comes roaring out and becomes 'The Terror of all the Land'.
Remember the Dragon is not really bad, it is just needs to be given its rightful place. When you know where the Dragon lives, and a bit about what it is like, you are beginning to get to know the whole person. They are not really the Dragon, any more than they are really the parts of themselves they are more comfortable showing. They are really all of it and more.
Many men try to kill their Dragon when they meet a woman they really like. A man may be tempted to disowns parts of himself and become especially Nice. He tries to win her with flowers, gifts and compliments. The woman may wonder what happened to the interesting guy she was starting to like, as he has suddenly been replaced by a rather gushy 'Hero'.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with flowers, gifts and compliments (it might even work with a Princess). It is just better when they are an expression of what the relationship actually is rather than how one person would like it to be. It is better to be authentic than to put on a show. That's why some women end up with guys who's Dragon may be a bit wild, but at least its not dead!
On the other hand, we have probably all met people whose Dragon goes on the rampage at the least provocation. Usually this happens when we people have lost hope in finding their Hero or in finding their Princess. Ironically, it is because they are unwilling to love the Dragon in themselves, or in others, that their own Dragon gets out of hand.
After all, that is what the various parts of us need. We may find it easy to love the Princess, or the Hero. Can we learn to love the Dragon too?
I suspect that what we need from each other is help in expressing our own Dragon in healthy ways. To be able to see the other person at their 'worst' (or even at their most magnificent) and stand in our Hero with courage and love for the relationship's sake. When someone we care for gets a bit wild, or hides in their cave hoarding their jewels, can we stay confident in knowing that the other person is just finding their way to a more balanced sense of themselves?
Of course, it also wise to know when something it too much for us and it would be best to get out of a particular story.
Facing another person's Dragon can be fun. A woman I had been involved with for a while once turned to me and said, "I think this relationship is doomed!". She said it very dramatically and rather than react I just started to laugh. I did not laugh in a
mocking way, but I did tease her a bit about what she said and howshe had said it. She looked at me oddly and headed off back to her house. The next day she came back especially to tell me how impressedshe was with what I had done!
In facing a Dragon it is better to use just a light touch of the sword (Sword of Truth, Sword of Wisdom, Sword of Humor) and not go bludgeoning around. It is also best to have a very sturdy shield! Your love and respect for the Dragon in each other is your best shield.
LOVE: THE HUNTER, THE LIONESS AND THE GAZELLES
Do you know, as a single guy I have been asked many times recently by girls if I can explain basic male behavior in terms that we can all understand. Laborious chats over much wine have led to my lady friends confessing that all is not well in the world of reading what men are thinking. So the Singles Files decided to take a look. It appears that even in our advanced culture, the sexes still present the simplest misunderstandings. Men constantly appear to be a mystery when dating, and even as a man, I agree that we can be as frustrating and perplexing to the uninitiated. So it's back to basics for us today.
Millions of years of evolution haven't clouded human nature and even the most skillful women dater will have encountered male antics that defy belief. 'He acts like a Neanderthal' she may say. And do you, know, she isn't far wrong. Why? Simple, man is a hunter; that is what he was designed to do: Hunt. Which essentially means that in the world of dating the man wants to hunt you, even if you are the easiest catch on earth. Women forget this fact and ignore it at their peril. To get the man you want, you have to make them chase you and feel like they have achieved something when they eventually get to put their arm round your waist and give you a perfect kiss. If that sense of achievement is missing, your hunter will go on searching.
How do we know what men want and like. Well all hunters want to catch the lioness, she with the thick mane and feline grace, queen of the jungle. Men will convince themselves that they could catch the lioness if they so wanted because they all like to think they are king of the jungle. But today they are too tired to do anything about it. That is exactly what happens when your hunters gather in bars together. They discuss the ones that got away and their prowess out in the field. However, you know and I know that the hunters out there are fooling themselves. They know deep down that they don't have the ability to catch the queen of the jungle, but they like to think that they might, maybe.
No, instead our intrepid hunters will seek out the slightly (but not necessarily) easier target, the more satisfying and certainly beautiful prey, the Gazelle. The gazelle you see can be found in packs out any weekend night with their Gazelle friends. Gazelles live next door, or across the street. They are beautiful creatures and fairly obtainable: But not without a fight. So the chase is on. Which of our hunters will success in capturing his gazelle this weekend? The more they hunt and chase; and the longer they are made to chase, the more rewarded they will feel when they finally succeed. And inevitably our hunter will settle down and give up hunting. But only if his Gazelle makes him feel like he has succeeded and is a true catch. Now our hunter believes he caught his Gazelle all by himself, but maybe just maybe, the Gazelle let herself be caught. Eventually.
Now our hunter wants the lioness and he tries to convince himself he could capture her if he really wanted but it is too much like hard work. He really knows that he will capture his Gazelle in all reality, but when Gazelles are scarce and hard to come by, he will go for the easy target, the antelope. Down in the bar on a Friday evening there are few Gazelles about but the antelope is grazing nearby so he pounces and achieves a result straight away. There is no chase, no thrill and hardly any sense of achievement, but it staves off his hunger for now. Tomorrow the hunt will begin again. The antelope doesn't fair too well out of this scenario but she was never going to put up too much of a chase and he was never going to be satisfied with the outcome. So at the next opportunity your hunter will be off seeking the gazelles once again, with a sly look in the direction of the lioness in a wishful thinking kind of way. And what if the hunter does finally get his gazelle, will he be satisfied? Invariably yes. The lioness is out of reach and far too scarce. The lioness may represent perfection in our hunters' plain and he may even think about what if every now and again. However if he did catch the lioness, she would probably eat him alive! But the man as hunter will be extremely happy with his sense of achievement. The antelope will always lose out because she cannot provide our hunters with what they need and desire most - chase, thrill and an implicit satisfaction with the end result.
Where it all goes badly wrong is when the lioness, gazelle and even antelope go hunting the hunter. The hunter doesn't know what to do and is not designed to cope in such situations. The hunter will be frightened and run away. So the important point to make is that allow the hunter to feel he is doing the chasing, even if secretly, he isn't. The hunter will still feel like he deserves the feeling of success and achievement even if you led him to you.
Our urban jungles are full all such creatures. Hunters are everywhere. The unbelievably attractive and desirable lioness. Our hunter lusts after her but will rarely obtain. The beautiful Gazelle next door who puts up an excellent enough chase that the hunter will eventually settle with. The dowdy antelope is simply too obtainable to present a challenge. Now do not feel demeaned by this because of course your hunter is still the Neanderthal but if you think of our world on this level it becomes easier to get inside a man's head. Men do love to chase girls and they will always fall for the one who makes them chase the longest and hardest. It's nature in full throw. They do hanker after the catwalk beauties in our society but men are not so stupid, in reality most know they have little chances of success. Only the most confident men will even bother to chase at all.
So if you want to bring your hunter into the fold, keep him chasing you girls, long after he thinks he has caught you, still keep him chasing. You maybe the lioness or the Gazelle but he will thank you for it. After all, maybe just maybe, men are the simplest of creatures to please. Whatever you do in our dating jungle, never allow yourself to be the antelope.
Watch your step girls; it certainly is still a jungle out there.
Millions of years of evolution haven't clouded human nature and even the most skillful women dater will have encountered male antics that defy belief. 'He acts like a Neanderthal' she may say. And do you, know, she isn't far wrong. Why? Simple, man is a hunter; that is what he was designed to do: Hunt. Which essentially means that in the world of dating the man wants to hunt you, even if you are the easiest catch on earth. Women forget this fact and ignore it at their peril. To get the man you want, you have to make them chase you and feel like they have achieved something when they eventually get to put their arm round your waist and give you a perfect kiss. If that sense of achievement is missing, your hunter will go on searching.
How do we know what men want and like. Well all hunters want to catch the lioness, she with the thick mane and feline grace, queen of the jungle. Men will convince themselves that they could catch the lioness if they so wanted because they all like to think they are king of the jungle. But today they are too tired to do anything about it. That is exactly what happens when your hunters gather in bars together. They discuss the ones that got away and their prowess out in the field. However, you know and I know that the hunters out there are fooling themselves. They know deep down that they don't have the ability to catch the queen of the jungle, but they like to think that they might, maybe.
No, instead our intrepid hunters will seek out the slightly (but not necessarily) easier target, the more satisfying and certainly beautiful prey, the Gazelle. The gazelle you see can be found in packs out any weekend night with their Gazelle friends. Gazelles live next door, or across the street. They are beautiful creatures and fairly obtainable: But not without a fight. So the chase is on. Which of our hunters will success in capturing his gazelle this weekend? The more they hunt and chase; and the longer they are made to chase, the more rewarded they will feel when they finally succeed. And inevitably our hunter will settle down and give up hunting. But only if his Gazelle makes him feel like he has succeeded and is a true catch. Now our hunter believes he caught his Gazelle all by himself, but maybe just maybe, the Gazelle let herself be caught. Eventually.
Now our hunter wants the lioness and he tries to convince himself he could capture her if he really wanted but it is too much like hard work. He really knows that he will capture his Gazelle in all reality, but when Gazelles are scarce and hard to come by, he will go for the easy target, the antelope. Down in the bar on a Friday evening there are few Gazelles about but the antelope is grazing nearby so he pounces and achieves a result straight away. There is no chase, no thrill and hardly any sense of achievement, but it staves off his hunger for now. Tomorrow the hunt will begin again. The antelope doesn't fair too well out of this scenario but she was never going to put up too much of a chase and he was never going to be satisfied with the outcome. So at the next opportunity your hunter will be off seeking the gazelles once again, with a sly look in the direction of the lioness in a wishful thinking kind of way. And what if the hunter does finally get his gazelle, will he be satisfied? Invariably yes. The lioness is out of reach and far too scarce. The lioness may represent perfection in our hunters' plain and he may even think about what if every now and again. However if he did catch the lioness, she would probably eat him alive! But the man as hunter will be extremely happy with his sense of achievement. The antelope will always lose out because she cannot provide our hunters with what they need and desire most - chase, thrill and an implicit satisfaction with the end result.
Where it all goes badly wrong is when the lioness, gazelle and even antelope go hunting the hunter. The hunter doesn't know what to do and is not designed to cope in such situations. The hunter will be frightened and run away. So the important point to make is that allow the hunter to feel he is doing the chasing, even if secretly, he isn't. The hunter will still feel like he deserves the feeling of success and achievement even if you led him to you.
Our urban jungles are full all such creatures. Hunters are everywhere. The unbelievably attractive and desirable lioness. Our hunter lusts after her but will rarely obtain. The beautiful Gazelle next door who puts up an excellent enough chase that the hunter will eventually settle with. The dowdy antelope is simply too obtainable to present a challenge. Now do not feel demeaned by this because of course your hunter is still the Neanderthal but if you think of our world on this level it becomes easier to get inside a man's head. Men do love to chase girls and they will always fall for the one who makes them chase the longest and hardest. It's nature in full throw. They do hanker after the catwalk beauties in our society but men are not so stupid, in reality most know they have little chances of success. Only the most confident men will even bother to chase at all.
So if you want to bring your hunter into the fold, keep him chasing you girls, long after he thinks he has caught you, still keep him chasing. You maybe the lioness or the Gazelle but he will thank you for it. After all, maybe just maybe, men are the simplest of creatures to please. Whatever you do in our dating jungle, never allow yourself to be the antelope.
Watch your step girls; it certainly is still a jungle out there.
LOVE: GETTING MORE THAN JUST SEX
I was thinking for the past week whether there was one common pitfall that could lure either single or married people into bad decisions and resulting consequences. I asked myself, "What has a high likely-hood to trip up a good relationship?". The answer I considered most predominant was, sex.
I say sex, in general, but I actually mean to include sexual desire and the very perception of it or it's promise. Whether single or married it is both the promise-land and a potential field of land-mines that must be traversed with alertness.
Being Single
In observing relationships around me, as well as my own, I've seen lots of reasons why people decide to go just one more month or year into a bad relationship. They know things are going nowhere. They know they are with the wrong person. They know they want out. But they stay longer. Some stay out of procrastinative laziness. Some stay out of fear. Some stay out of insecurity. And unfortunately, if truth be known, some stay simply for the steady, reliable supply of sex. It may be bad sex or nominal sex, but at least it's in consistent supply.
This is just one more reason why deciding to begin a relationship so dependent on sexual desire or gratification is such a bad idea. I've done it and I'm sure there's some animal part in all of us that is stretching at the reigns inclined to do so whenever we are looking for a mate. We want to be with someone we find 'attractive'. The fact that we are 'attracted' to a specific person usually comes with some reason. Perhaps it is their personality or their outlook on life. And many times it is because we are attracted to them physically. That's all great and normal in the large scheme of things. But when sex or the perception of what sex with that particular person will be like becomes the primary focus for the relationship, it can easily remain the incentive for staying in a bad relationship as well.
"If the sex is good, it must be true love." That sounds almost too superficial and ignorant for anyone to believe. Yet that is the reasoning so many people find palatable to their motives. One of the arguments I've heard over the years in favor of living together before marriage went something like this; "Why would I commit my life to someone if I don't even know whether they're good in bed or not?" Why? The answer is because 'great sex' can be had with any mate you fall in love with.
The problem with the question above is that it perceives sex as an 'ability' that some people are good at, others bad at. Or as a 'compatibility' issue. Like matching up the right transmission parts for a certain make of car. However sex is so much more than that. Without love, respect and commitment it doesn't matter how physically attractive or talented the partners are regarding sex.. it'll be 'bad sex'. By that I mean unfullfilling to what was perceived as 'good sex'. Conversely, it doesn't matter how 'unnattractive' (to others) or seemingly novice a couple may be regarding sex.. when there is love, respect and commitment it is 'great sex'. Or as some may wish to qualify, "It's not just sex, it's making love". As Solomon the wise once wrote; "Better to enjoy a feast of vegetables where love is than to divide the calf among the arrogant." Love makes a feast from the simplest things while pride and lack of love between personalities brings sex down to a minimally fulfilling level.
Being Married
As for being married, there are bad marriages lacking respect or love and suffer from the situation described above. No amount of re-positioning, devices, oils, lingerie or external stimuli will make sex between two warring partners anything more than a physical release at best. However there is a danger that always resides in this world even for the content, married relationships who feast regularly from their loving banquet. This danger is the 'perception' of sexual promise being greater somewhere else.
There's an updated saying these days that says, "The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence.. but you still have to mow it." Some have allowed themselves to become lethargic and unnappreciative of what they have and perceive sex is better somewhere else with someone else. The danger is focusing on that 'someone else' and then either abandoning an existing marriage to start over or thinking they can play on both sides of the fence. Temptation is a normal thing. We could hardly consider ourselves human or honest to say there has never been a tempting pull to experience a perceived, greater fulfillment sexually that was off-limits.
But I've seen people leave their marriages because their new lover "satisfies them so fully" and off they go to embark on this new journey. Then a curious thing happens. They find themselves acclimated to the new lover. The 'newness' wears off and settles into the overall needs and workings of real marriage or a real relationship. Commitment to this new lover now comes with the exclusion of any other lovers who are even newer and more appealing. In short they have abandoned what they built only to start anew under the same conditions and for the wrong reasons. Some realize their mistake and attempt to return to what they now appreciate only to find the door closed and locked.
It wasn't that their previous sex life was lacking. It was that they 'perceived' something else to be better and thought it better to pursue it rather than improve that which they'd already invested their life into. Where there is love, there is more than sex. I once knew a man who I looked to as something of a father figure. Often times he'd talk to his son and I in private from his favorite chair and share his experiences with us. In his earlier years he said he was as much like any other man and perhaps more so. He chased women here and there.. and caught a few along the way. But after many years of faithful marriage to the love of his life he came down with cancer in his elder years. He now sat in his chair, tubes in his arm, talking to me as he always did and shared something with me.
He said, "Y'know, Alex.. I've learned something damn important with all this happening to me. In the old days all that mattered was humpin' like a rabbit in heat. Now, I aint ashamed to tell ya I can't even stir it up with this cancer and medication in me. But now I know.. I know what it's all about. I lay down beside my wife and we just hold each other and I'm tellin' ya'... I never known something so beautiful in my whole damn life."
Perception is everything.
It isn't that our partner isn't perfect enough or talented enough that makes our relationships or marriages seem insufficient. It is two things. The level of love, respect and commitment in our relationship and our perception of what we have or what we think we see somewhere else.
While most of my ponderings on this issue of 'perception' have focused on the sexual aspect there is another dimension to note. This same lack of investment or out of focus perception can apply to other areas as well. For some it may be their perception of what they think a 'real marriage' is supposed to be like. An idealized scenario that never involves disagreement or the need to compromise. For others it may be the financial aspect or what I have always called the "white-picket-fence" perfect-children illusion. When one's perception is that their goals can only be obtained by abandoning what they have and rebuilding with a better, wealthier spouse who has the 'perfect' children.. trouble is not far away.
I am a firm believer in two things. Having a high standard of what the ideal "should" be in all aspects of life. But at the same time, having a realistic understanding of where things are now, how they work in the 'real' world and that it will take work to get even part way to the aspired goal. Nothing is perfect in this world and we could drive ourselves nuts trying to make it so. But likewise there is no reason to fall willingly from one bad decision to another, resigning ourselves to a life of low expectations either.
Appreciating what we do have and being creative to make it better. Whether it be our sex life, our finances, our children, our job.. this is the sort of outlook that will help us move forward rather than sideways into an illusion that always falls short of its anticipated perception. As for today's main topic.. where there is love, there is more than sex.
I say sex, in general, but I actually mean to include sexual desire and the very perception of it or it's promise. Whether single or married it is both the promise-land and a potential field of land-mines that must be traversed with alertness.
Being Single
In observing relationships around me, as well as my own, I've seen lots of reasons why people decide to go just one more month or year into a bad relationship. They know things are going nowhere. They know they are with the wrong person. They know they want out. But they stay longer. Some stay out of procrastinative laziness. Some stay out of fear. Some stay out of insecurity. And unfortunately, if truth be known, some stay simply for the steady, reliable supply of sex. It may be bad sex or nominal sex, but at least it's in consistent supply.
This is just one more reason why deciding to begin a relationship so dependent on sexual desire or gratification is such a bad idea. I've done it and I'm sure there's some animal part in all of us that is stretching at the reigns inclined to do so whenever we are looking for a mate. We want to be with someone we find 'attractive'. The fact that we are 'attracted' to a specific person usually comes with some reason. Perhaps it is their personality or their outlook on life. And many times it is because we are attracted to them physically. That's all great and normal in the large scheme of things. But when sex or the perception of what sex with that particular person will be like becomes the primary focus for the relationship, it can easily remain the incentive for staying in a bad relationship as well.
"If the sex is good, it must be true love." That sounds almost too superficial and ignorant for anyone to believe. Yet that is the reasoning so many people find palatable to their motives. One of the arguments I've heard over the years in favor of living together before marriage went something like this; "Why would I commit my life to someone if I don't even know whether they're good in bed or not?" Why? The answer is because 'great sex' can be had with any mate you fall in love with.
The problem with the question above is that it perceives sex as an 'ability' that some people are good at, others bad at. Or as a 'compatibility' issue. Like matching up the right transmission parts for a certain make of car. However sex is so much more than that. Without love, respect and commitment it doesn't matter how physically attractive or talented the partners are regarding sex.. it'll be 'bad sex'. By that I mean unfullfilling to what was perceived as 'good sex'. Conversely, it doesn't matter how 'unnattractive' (to others) or seemingly novice a couple may be regarding sex.. when there is love, respect and commitment it is 'great sex'. Or as some may wish to qualify, "It's not just sex, it's making love". As Solomon the wise once wrote; "Better to enjoy a feast of vegetables where love is than to divide the calf among the arrogant." Love makes a feast from the simplest things while pride and lack of love between personalities brings sex down to a minimally fulfilling level.
Being Married
As for being married, there are bad marriages lacking respect or love and suffer from the situation described above. No amount of re-positioning, devices, oils, lingerie or external stimuli will make sex between two warring partners anything more than a physical release at best. However there is a danger that always resides in this world even for the content, married relationships who feast regularly from their loving banquet. This danger is the 'perception' of sexual promise being greater somewhere else.
There's an updated saying these days that says, "The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence.. but you still have to mow it." Some have allowed themselves to become lethargic and unnappreciative of what they have and perceive sex is better somewhere else with someone else. The danger is focusing on that 'someone else' and then either abandoning an existing marriage to start over or thinking they can play on both sides of the fence. Temptation is a normal thing. We could hardly consider ourselves human or honest to say there has never been a tempting pull to experience a perceived, greater fulfillment sexually that was off-limits.
But I've seen people leave their marriages because their new lover "satisfies them so fully" and off they go to embark on this new journey. Then a curious thing happens. They find themselves acclimated to the new lover. The 'newness' wears off and settles into the overall needs and workings of real marriage or a real relationship. Commitment to this new lover now comes with the exclusion of any other lovers who are even newer and more appealing. In short they have abandoned what they built only to start anew under the same conditions and for the wrong reasons. Some realize their mistake and attempt to return to what they now appreciate only to find the door closed and locked.
It wasn't that their previous sex life was lacking. It was that they 'perceived' something else to be better and thought it better to pursue it rather than improve that which they'd already invested their life into. Where there is love, there is more than sex. I once knew a man who I looked to as something of a father figure. Often times he'd talk to his son and I in private from his favorite chair and share his experiences with us. In his earlier years he said he was as much like any other man and perhaps more so. He chased women here and there.. and caught a few along the way. But after many years of faithful marriage to the love of his life he came down with cancer in his elder years. He now sat in his chair, tubes in his arm, talking to me as he always did and shared something with me.
He said, "Y'know, Alex.. I've learned something damn important with all this happening to me. In the old days all that mattered was humpin' like a rabbit in heat. Now, I aint ashamed to tell ya I can't even stir it up with this cancer and medication in me. But now I know.. I know what it's all about. I lay down beside my wife and we just hold each other and I'm tellin' ya'... I never known something so beautiful in my whole damn life."
Perception is everything.
It isn't that our partner isn't perfect enough or talented enough that makes our relationships or marriages seem insufficient. It is two things. The level of love, respect and commitment in our relationship and our perception of what we have or what we think we see somewhere else.
While most of my ponderings on this issue of 'perception' have focused on the sexual aspect there is another dimension to note. This same lack of investment or out of focus perception can apply to other areas as well. For some it may be their perception of what they think a 'real marriage' is supposed to be like. An idealized scenario that never involves disagreement or the need to compromise. For others it may be the financial aspect or what I have always called the "white-picket-fence" perfect-children illusion. When one's perception is that their goals can only be obtained by abandoning what they have and rebuilding with a better, wealthier spouse who has the 'perfect' children.. trouble is not far away.
I am a firm believer in two things. Having a high standard of what the ideal "should" be in all aspects of life. But at the same time, having a realistic understanding of where things are now, how they work in the 'real' world and that it will take work to get even part way to the aspired goal. Nothing is perfect in this world and we could drive ourselves nuts trying to make it so. But likewise there is no reason to fall willingly from one bad decision to another, resigning ourselves to a life of low expectations either.
Appreciating what we do have and being creative to make it better. Whether it be our sex life, our finances, our children, our job.. this is the sort of outlook that will help us move forward rather than sideways into an illusion that always falls short of its anticipated perception. As for today's main topic.. where there is love, there is more than sex.
LOVE: ENDURE AND APPRECIATE
Men and women are different. No big surprise there. And so a man and a woman decide they will begin the adventure of weaving their lives together into the future. Noting how different they each percieve the world, issues, even their view on their relationship, they take the advice that they are best off in learning to 'appreciate' each other's differences rather than let their differing ways be a cause of contention and difficulty. Many people can make that first jump into 'appreciating' their mate's eccentricities at first. But for most of us there is a step we need to take before such appreciation between the sexes can occur. It is the act of 'restraint and endurance'.
When we first meet someone special it is amazing how out of our way we will go to be accomodating and considerate of each other. And the great thing is that we don't consider it a burden. It is not uncommon to hear phrases like, "Whatever you'd like to eat is fine.", "You look very nice today." or "Hey, it's okay.. everyone makes mistakes." But then when love seems more secure it is very easy for us to take it for granted and assume our familiarity with our loved one gives us new permissions to be increasingly demanding or critical. I don't believe we do this because we've lost any love for our beloved, but merely because it is our own selfish nature to put our own comforts and egos ahead of anyone else's.
But when these dark echoes of demanding criticism begin to make us less kind to the one who has offerred us their love it is time to take a step back and remember the reasons why we first longed for love to begin with. One thing couples would do well to remember is that they met and decided to stay together in order to make each other's lives 'better' and not 'harder'. We all have enough sources of stress, criticism and grief from daily life without being served extra portions from the one we've chosen to be by our side. And likewise they need not any extra, unnecesary grief from us. If ever our mate is hoping to find some source of verbal encouragment and physical comfort it is surely us they hope to recieve it from.
Another thing couples do well to remember is that the goal of a life shared together is -not- to turn the other person into a clone of yourself. You first met and appreciated that person because in many ways they were nothing like yourself. Despite your areas of 'compatibility' it is their uniqueness that also stirred your curiosity. It is good to make a lifelong curiosity out of knowing that person better rather than making a project out of getting them to do, think, and percieve life exactly in line with your own way.
Getting back to those differences.. again, it is not always easy to appreciate them. Especially when it comes to making decisions together. As long as you are with a mate there will always be the chance of having to compromise or even completely give in to your mate's view. Once in a while you might even get your way. A healthy rule of thumb that might reduce your chance of having a stroke prematurely is to remember that in life there are two categories of issues.. "Big Things" and "little things". Solomon, the wisest of men, once wrote; "It is better to live on the corner of a rooftop than to share a house with a contentious woman." I dare say that living with a contentious man is scarce much better. We don't find mates in order to have someone to contend with over every little matter from 'which direction the toilet paper should be hung' to 'whether it was you or them responsible for locking the keys in the car'.
The most positive, healthy relationship we could hope to have is one in which both parties focus more on giving rather than taking.. on building rather than tearing down.. on enduring rather than frustrating. Which brings me back to the step before appreciating our differences, 'endurance'. Returning to our 'first love' is often simply rememberring what it is to first endure and then appreciate and then constructively encourage our mate. Sometimes this is best done by holding our tongue even when we are proven right. Other times it means making suggestions with a tone of kindness rather than a critical attack.
We have each had at some time in our life examples of harsh criticism and the warmth of loving encouragement. It is not that we are unlearned in avoiding the one or giving the other, but rather we simply get unmindful of our reason for wanting someone in our life and forget why this person chose to have us in their lives. Most people spend much time and anxiety worrying their mate will leave them for someone more beautiful or handsome. But as much as our eyes and flesh may desire such vanities.. it is an unloved heart that is most vulnerable to the kindnesses and compassion of the 'other woman' or 'other man'. While there is no security we can lay hold on a person to keep them from straying, loving cords of kindness are not set aside as quickly as the heavy yoke of contention. First we endure, then we appreciate.. but at all times we love.
When we first meet someone special it is amazing how out of our way we will go to be accomodating and considerate of each other. And the great thing is that we don't consider it a burden. It is not uncommon to hear phrases like, "Whatever you'd like to eat is fine.", "You look very nice today." or "Hey, it's okay.. everyone makes mistakes." But then when love seems more secure it is very easy for us to take it for granted and assume our familiarity with our loved one gives us new permissions to be increasingly demanding or critical. I don't believe we do this because we've lost any love for our beloved, but merely because it is our own selfish nature to put our own comforts and egos ahead of anyone else's.
But when these dark echoes of demanding criticism begin to make us less kind to the one who has offerred us their love it is time to take a step back and remember the reasons why we first longed for love to begin with. One thing couples would do well to remember is that they met and decided to stay together in order to make each other's lives 'better' and not 'harder'. We all have enough sources of stress, criticism and grief from daily life without being served extra portions from the one we've chosen to be by our side. And likewise they need not any extra, unnecesary grief from us. If ever our mate is hoping to find some source of verbal encouragment and physical comfort it is surely us they hope to recieve it from.
Another thing couples do well to remember is that the goal of a life shared together is -not- to turn the other person into a clone of yourself. You first met and appreciated that person because in many ways they were nothing like yourself. Despite your areas of 'compatibility' it is their uniqueness that also stirred your curiosity. It is good to make a lifelong curiosity out of knowing that person better rather than making a project out of getting them to do, think, and percieve life exactly in line with your own way.
Getting back to those differences.. again, it is not always easy to appreciate them. Especially when it comes to making decisions together. As long as you are with a mate there will always be the chance of having to compromise or even completely give in to your mate's view. Once in a while you might even get your way. A healthy rule of thumb that might reduce your chance of having a stroke prematurely is to remember that in life there are two categories of issues.. "Big Things" and "little things". Solomon, the wisest of men, once wrote; "It is better to live on the corner of a rooftop than to share a house with a contentious woman." I dare say that living with a contentious man is scarce much better. We don't find mates in order to have someone to contend with over every little matter from 'which direction the toilet paper should be hung' to 'whether it was you or them responsible for locking the keys in the car'.
The most positive, healthy relationship we could hope to have is one in which both parties focus more on giving rather than taking.. on building rather than tearing down.. on enduring rather than frustrating. Which brings me back to the step before appreciating our differences, 'endurance'. Returning to our 'first love' is often simply rememberring what it is to first endure and then appreciate and then constructively encourage our mate. Sometimes this is best done by holding our tongue even when we are proven right. Other times it means making suggestions with a tone of kindness rather than a critical attack.
We have each had at some time in our life examples of harsh criticism and the warmth of loving encouragement. It is not that we are unlearned in avoiding the one or giving the other, but rather we simply get unmindful of our reason for wanting someone in our life and forget why this person chose to have us in their lives. Most people spend much time and anxiety worrying their mate will leave them for someone more beautiful or handsome. But as much as our eyes and flesh may desire such vanities.. it is an unloved heart that is most vulnerable to the kindnesses and compassion of the 'other woman' or 'other man'. While there is no security we can lay hold on a person to keep them from straying, loving cords of kindness are not set aside as quickly as the heavy yoke of contention. First we endure, then we appreciate.. but at all times we love.
LOVE: GETTING READY FOR MARRIAGE
As a Single person much thought and activity is put into finding the right mate. We focus on getting along well with that person and ironing out differences so the whole relationship moves along smoothly and enjoyably. It is usually after reaching this point that the idea of marriage begins to pop up. Usually the questions that are asked of each other are things like, "So what do you think?.. are you ready to 'settle down'??", or "How do you feel about making this permanent?.. how does that settle with you??"
But aside from the valid questions we must ask of each other, there are certain questions we must ask of ourselves in private or with help of a close and trusted friend. And these questions must be answered honestly, not in simple reflex to what we think is the 'right' answer. As a guide to such, we'll cover a few of these questions that can make the difference between making a lasting marital commitment, or perhaps not making that commitment until the time is right.
Question One: "How do I define and perceive 'Marriage'?". Anyone who has entered into or studied formal debate knows that one of the premier rules one employs at the outset is, 'Define Your Terms'. How many businesses, agreements and even marriages have been entered into with two parties assuming different definitions of the same term? Only afterwards did it come out, "But I thought you meant...", or "But my idea of marriage is...". So one of your first questions to yourself should be, "What do I think marriage is?". The corollary to this is, "How is this change going to affect my life as I've known it this far?" Believe it or not, many people see marriage from either of three perspectives. I've labeled these three views on marriage as the 'Giving', 'Selfish' and 'Innocuous' views.
In the Giving View of marriage, a person sits down with themselves and realizes that what they are committing to with this marriage is to set their own needs and wants as permanently secondary to the needs and wants of their mate and children. What does any man or woman possess when they are Single, or even Single and dating?? Well, let's make a list. They have their own time, money, energy, projects and priorities. Any of these resources are theirs to use as they please for their own self-enhancement or distribute as they see fit. However, in a Giving perspective on marriage, a man or woman realizes that marriage means making any of these resources available for the common good of the Marriage and the Family that will result.
Before I delve into this, I do want to make clear that I am not supporting the idea that getting married means losing one's identity or need for personal time alone. It is healthy,having one's own projects and personality is yet another healthy aspect of a solid marriage. Having said that, it stands that upon marriage a man or woman's desire in getting married is to care for the common good of that marriage. That might be something as simple as using your check to pay the majority of expenses while your spouse works part-time and goes to school. It might mean using some of your energy to wake up and change your baby's diaper in the middle of the night so your spouse can rest for their workshift in the morning. It may mean setting aside your project of practicing your musical instrument so you can care for your spouse's health issues or do laundry and housekeeping. It may mean reassigning your priorities from having a flashy sports car to financing a family van or house. In the Giving View of marriage one's time, money, energy, projects and priorities shift from 'self' to 'family'. When both spouses have this same view it is amazing how much can be accomplished uniting resources for that common goal. It becomes astounding the amount of care and bonding that occurs as each makes it their personal priority to care for and protect their spouse in any need that arises.
In the Selfish View of marriage, a person's enthusiasm is fueled largely by the greed of what they anticipate to 'get' from getting married. They only see hooking in a spouse who will provide all the things mentioned in the Giving perspective. but without any commitment on their own part to provide the same in return. Usually what you will hear from these people in some form or another are things like, "He makes so much money, I'll finally have what I've dreamed of." or.. "She's so fine looking I'll have all the sex I've ever dreamed of.", or some variation in subtlety. But the root remains the same.. they see primarily what they will get from being married more than what could ever be expected from them to contribute to that marriage. Anyone who has known a relationship or marriage with this sort of element can attest to the drain it puts on the 'giver' and the loathsome identity of laziness upon the one who merely takes on the position of receiver. It takes very little comment to realize this sort of arrangement leads to the complacency of one partner and the tiring boredom of the other.
In the Innocuous View on marriage, a person somehow immaturely believes that "nothing's gonna change just because of some piece of paper". They think of marriage as just another form of going "steady". As though it were just a legal form of giving your class ring to your girl before the prom. "It'll be just like dating except we'll live together and have lots of sex." is essentially what is thought. This is by far the most damaging and dangerous mindset to take of marriage. Especially when both partners have this view. Eventually boundaries are crossed and a lack of respect for the importance of marriage leads to a lack of respect between the partners. Finances become a tug of war. "My time" becomes a term used with more frequency. Jealousy and the demands of raising children are just time bombs waiting to explode. Without realizing that marriage effects one of the greatest changes to one's lifetime, entering into it lightly as though playing house is a recipe for disaster.
Question Two: "Am I willing to do what it takes?" Every marriage is different. Every relationship has it's own peculiar beauty and challenges. The issues that arise from marrying someone who has epileptic seizures are different from those arising from marrying someone who has a problem with infidelity, gambling, alcohol, or other forms of selfishness. We are all only human and no matter how well we have cleaned ourselves up we still carry some form of 'baggage' into a relationship. I know a happy couple in which the wife suffers from manic depression. I know a happy couple in which the husband succumbed to cancer in his final days. Another whose child was born grossly deformed, another made their way past alcoholism, another past adultery. I know families that manage to hold themselves together in a healthy direction despite problems of various natures.. all because each spouse has decided they are each going to do "whatever it takes' to make things work.
Not every marriage comes with such extreme issues. Having the resolve for "what it takes" involves the more mundane challenge of daily being a good provider, a good Father, a good Mother, a Disciplinarian, an example of compassion, a good Husband or Wife to a family that will look to you for such things. Being a consistent provider might mean losing your job and pounding the pavement until you get a job you may not even enjoy.. but you take to provide for the needs of your family. Their needs come first, before yours. Being a good parent may mean using what little energy you have left at the end of the day to either discipline your child or take the time to drive them for an ice cream because they need your time. It might mean waiting with patience in a dental office as your child gets braces after you've worked a ten-hour shift. It might mean getting up early on Saturday because they desperately want to play league soccer, baseball or basketball. Being a good spouse might mean putting your own projects aside to make dinner, go shopping, do laundry or any other chore so your spouse can get some rest while they are sick. And doing all this not with a heart of ingratitude.. but a willing heart that puts Family ahead of self. "Am I willing to do what it takes?".. This is one of those, "God, give me strength at 4a.m." sort of decisions that has to be made on a daily basis. This too is part of marriage.
Question Three: "Am I willing to forsake all others?" While easily overlooked in most wedding vows, (...forsaking all others, do you hereby take...), this is an issue that has to be resolved in one's heart. Sometimes repeatedly. Forsaking all others. To forsake means to "turn away permanently". By making your decision to take this man or woman as your spouse you are declaring you no longer consider any other to share that same place of honor. No other is to know that same level of intimacy. I won't say this is primarily a concern for men, since I have known women who suffered from equal lack of resolve. There is no doubt that temptation and attraction to a new lover will eventually present itself. How extreme that possibility presents itself will vary. There those who come knocking on your door and there are those times you can envision yourself knocking upon their door... but it is what you have set in your heart that must first be in place correctly. I won't go into the deeper, tougher issues of "moments of weakness", "philandering habits" and such. What we'll concern ourselves with here is your preparation to enter marriage. Are you willing to forsake all others and pursue this one love for the remainder of your life? Are you comfortable with that? Is it your joy to pursue that? Or do you see it as a questionable cost? Do you see it as unreasonable?? When you've asked yourself and answered these questions you'll be that much closer to knowing yourself. Giving a false answer to someone else will only cause damage in the end.
As you ponder marriage, or the marriage you have recently entered, consider these things and where you stand in each. It is something you do within yourself for the benefit of others. As with most things, there are more hard ways to get something done than easy ways. But with a bit of forethought and clarity we can make the right decisions and profit from them.
But aside from the valid questions we must ask of each other, there are certain questions we must ask of ourselves in private or with help of a close and trusted friend. And these questions must be answered honestly, not in simple reflex to what we think is the 'right' answer. As a guide to such, we'll cover a few of these questions that can make the difference between making a lasting marital commitment, or perhaps not making that commitment until the time is right.
Question One: "How do I define and perceive 'Marriage'?". Anyone who has entered into or studied formal debate knows that one of the premier rules one employs at the outset is, 'Define Your Terms'. How many businesses, agreements and even marriages have been entered into with two parties assuming different definitions of the same term? Only afterwards did it come out, "But I thought you meant...", or "But my idea of marriage is...". So one of your first questions to yourself should be, "What do I think marriage is?". The corollary to this is, "How is this change going to affect my life as I've known it this far?" Believe it or not, many people see marriage from either of three perspectives. I've labeled these three views on marriage as the 'Giving', 'Selfish' and 'Innocuous' views.
In the Giving View of marriage, a person sits down with themselves and realizes that what they are committing to with this marriage is to set their own needs and wants as permanently secondary to the needs and wants of their mate and children. What does any man or woman possess when they are Single, or even Single and dating?? Well, let's make a list. They have their own time, money, energy, projects and priorities. Any of these resources are theirs to use as they please for their own self-enhancement or distribute as they see fit. However, in a Giving perspective on marriage, a man or woman realizes that marriage means making any of these resources available for the common good of the Marriage and the Family that will result.
Before I delve into this, I do want to make clear that I am not supporting the idea that getting married means losing one's identity or need for personal time alone. It is healthy,having one's own projects and personality is yet another healthy aspect of a solid marriage. Having said that, it stands that upon marriage a man or woman's desire in getting married is to care for the common good of that marriage. That might be something as simple as using your check to pay the majority of expenses while your spouse works part-time and goes to school. It might mean using some of your energy to wake up and change your baby's diaper in the middle of the night so your spouse can rest for their workshift in the morning. It may mean setting aside your project of practicing your musical instrument so you can care for your spouse's health issues or do laundry and housekeeping. It may mean reassigning your priorities from having a flashy sports car to financing a family van or house. In the Giving View of marriage one's time, money, energy, projects and priorities shift from 'self' to 'family'. When both spouses have this same view it is amazing how much can be accomplished uniting resources for that common goal. It becomes astounding the amount of care and bonding that occurs as each makes it their personal priority to care for and protect their spouse in any need that arises.
In the Selfish View of marriage, a person's enthusiasm is fueled largely by the greed of what they anticipate to 'get' from getting married. They only see hooking in a spouse who will provide all the things mentioned in the Giving perspective. but without any commitment on their own part to provide the same in return. Usually what you will hear from these people in some form or another are things like, "He makes so much money, I'll finally have what I've dreamed of." or.. "She's so fine looking I'll have all the sex I've ever dreamed of.", or some variation in subtlety. But the root remains the same.. they see primarily what they will get from being married more than what could ever be expected from them to contribute to that marriage. Anyone who has known a relationship or marriage with this sort of element can attest to the drain it puts on the 'giver' and the loathsome identity of laziness upon the one who merely takes on the position of receiver. It takes very little comment to realize this sort of arrangement leads to the complacency of one partner and the tiring boredom of the other.
In the Innocuous View on marriage, a person somehow immaturely believes that "nothing's gonna change just because of some piece of paper". They think of marriage as just another form of going "steady". As though it were just a legal form of giving your class ring to your girl before the prom. "It'll be just like dating except we'll live together and have lots of sex." is essentially what is thought. This is by far the most damaging and dangerous mindset to take of marriage. Especially when both partners have this view. Eventually boundaries are crossed and a lack of respect for the importance of marriage leads to a lack of respect between the partners. Finances become a tug of war. "My time" becomes a term used with more frequency. Jealousy and the demands of raising children are just time bombs waiting to explode. Without realizing that marriage effects one of the greatest changes to one's lifetime, entering into it lightly as though playing house is a recipe for disaster.
Question Two: "Am I willing to do what it takes?" Every marriage is different. Every relationship has it's own peculiar beauty and challenges. The issues that arise from marrying someone who has epileptic seizures are different from those arising from marrying someone who has a problem with infidelity, gambling, alcohol, or other forms of selfishness. We are all only human and no matter how well we have cleaned ourselves up we still carry some form of 'baggage' into a relationship. I know a happy couple in which the wife suffers from manic depression. I know a happy couple in which the husband succumbed to cancer in his final days. Another whose child was born grossly deformed, another made their way past alcoholism, another past adultery. I know families that manage to hold themselves together in a healthy direction despite problems of various natures.. all because each spouse has decided they are each going to do "whatever it takes' to make things work.
Not every marriage comes with such extreme issues. Having the resolve for "what it takes" involves the more mundane challenge of daily being a good provider, a good Father, a good Mother, a Disciplinarian, an example of compassion, a good Husband or Wife to a family that will look to you for such things. Being a consistent provider might mean losing your job and pounding the pavement until you get a job you may not even enjoy.. but you take to provide for the needs of your family. Their needs come first, before yours. Being a good parent may mean using what little energy you have left at the end of the day to either discipline your child or take the time to drive them for an ice cream because they need your time. It might mean waiting with patience in a dental office as your child gets braces after you've worked a ten-hour shift. It might mean getting up early on Saturday because they desperately want to play league soccer, baseball or basketball. Being a good spouse might mean putting your own projects aside to make dinner, go shopping, do laundry or any other chore so your spouse can get some rest while they are sick. And doing all this not with a heart of ingratitude.. but a willing heart that puts Family ahead of self. "Am I willing to do what it takes?".. This is one of those, "God, give me strength at 4a.m." sort of decisions that has to be made on a daily basis. This too is part of marriage.
Question Three: "Am I willing to forsake all others?" While easily overlooked in most wedding vows, (...forsaking all others, do you hereby take...), this is an issue that has to be resolved in one's heart. Sometimes repeatedly. Forsaking all others. To forsake means to "turn away permanently". By making your decision to take this man or woman as your spouse you are declaring you no longer consider any other to share that same place of honor. No other is to know that same level of intimacy. I won't say this is primarily a concern for men, since I have known women who suffered from equal lack of resolve. There is no doubt that temptation and attraction to a new lover will eventually present itself. How extreme that possibility presents itself will vary. There those who come knocking on your door and there are those times you can envision yourself knocking upon their door... but it is what you have set in your heart that must first be in place correctly. I won't go into the deeper, tougher issues of "moments of weakness", "philandering habits" and such. What we'll concern ourselves with here is your preparation to enter marriage. Are you willing to forsake all others and pursue this one love for the remainder of your life? Are you comfortable with that? Is it your joy to pursue that? Or do you see it as a questionable cost? Do you see it as unreasonable?? When you've asked yourself and answered these questions you'll be that much closer to knowing yourself. Giving a false answer to someone else will only cause damage in the end.
As you ponder marriage, or the marriage you have recently entered, consider these things and where you stand in each. It is something you do within yourself for the benefit of others. As with most things, there are more hard ways to get something done than easy ways. But with a bit of forethought and clarity we can make the right decisions and profit from them.
LOVE: ●● TO BE WANTED.......
Ever hang around a happily married old couple? Try it sometime. I noticed a few things and one of them has to do with the issue of being wanted. I know this couple, Steve and Rema, they are one of my patients. Steve's a retired auto mechanic with a sharp country wit, bawdy sense of humor and over-all a generous, kind man. Rema is more on the conservative side. She's warm and Motherly, just as sharp a wit as Steve and can bake like you wouldn't believe. You can tell just the first few minutes hanging out with them that they really do love each other. It's not just the time they've been together, they've been like that since I first met them and they'd only been married perhaps seven years or so at the time. (Second marriage for both of them.) But one thing is for sure, they want each other as they are, not for what they get from each other, though that's an added bonus.
They are in their late fifties. Okay, so Steve isn't the stud-muffin he was thirty years ago and perhaps the years are beginning to show on his favorite gal. I suppose Rema figured out right away that Steve's off-color humor wasn't just from a momentary brain lapse one afternoon, it's pretty much a big part of his general character to ruffle her feathers once in awhile for a little fun. And of course Steve knows he'll be in for some bit of scolding in return from Rema as well along the way. Yet in the midst of all this, they love each other for.. each other. And that is what came to mind as I thought of some issues during the weekend.
For well over a year I've been pondering the question, "Is it better to be loved for who I am?, or for what I have?" Seems like an easy question. "For who I am." seems obvious. But upon further examination (as I'm prone to do) I pondered the following; "If a woman loves a man only for his money it is obvious the man is not truly loved. If a woman only loves a man for how well he treats her, it is possible this man is still not loved." Seem unlikely? I wouldn't have asked this question three years ago until a friend of mine who was suppose to get married in five weeks his fiance' simply stood up and said, "I can't marry you. I don't want to talk about it."
For six months she refused to talk about it until finally she felt she was able to tell him the truth about why she canceled their wedding plans. She said, "I was never in love with -you-, I only loved how well you treated me. Don't take it personal." So getting back to "being wanted". It is possible to be wanted for what you have, even when what you have is not a material thing such as good looks or money. This happens to women as well. I have a close friend who has found the absolutely most passionate, adorable, kind-hearted woman he ever could have hoped to find. But he refuses to allow himself to love or pursue her. He wants her qualities, but doesn't want her. Granted, his perception of how pretty he thinks a woman should be to be the one he does choose has clouded his thinking to a great degree, but in essence he's found what he's looking for, but doesn't really want... her.
Being wanted. Wanting someone. Sometimes we want someone despite the fact that they are the total opposite of what we know is good for a relationship. We just "want" that person even though they are rude, loud, obnoxious, cheap, on parole, in rehab, should be in rehab or whatever. And then there's the opposite situation. We meet someone who possesses all or most of the attributes we wait so long wishing and praying for, but if they are anything less than absolutely stunning in appearance we draw back confused at ourselves.
I may be wrong here, but I think it's worth consideration. In the first instance, it would seem plainly obvious that pursuing someone who lacks either the maturity or desire to have a healthy relationship is just a recipe for disaster. It's one thing to fall in love with someone you can have a truly loving relationship with who has a few "rough edges" as with Rema and Steve. It's quite another to get involved with someone who has no practical concept of respect, kindness, giving or compassion. Steve may be a little bit of a tease on Rema, but he's always been one of the most loving, faithful, kind-hearted, respectful men I've ever known to love a woman.
In the second situation, you have the character and mature, loving heart you'd always hoped to meet.. only there doesn't seem to be that explosive, "fireworks" burst of song across the heavens announcing you've found your loving soul-mate. I do believe, to a degree, that in order to love a person in an Eros sort of way you need to be attracted to that person. But I also believe that as you understand how much this person loves you, and how much you love that person... they become beautiful to you inwardly in ways that make them physically beautiful (or handsome) outwardly. That being said, it seems to make sense that when you do find someone you can respect, love,and share your thoughts with.. that it would be worth the effort to at least see if this situation could work out.
There is so much truth to the words, "Love others as you would desire to be loved." We do not want to be loved for what we have or can provide, we want to be loved for who we are. This is what we need to keep in mind as we assess our love for someone else as well. Do we really desire to love that person? Or are we only wanting to take what they have? Would we love them after some unforeseen accident stripped them of that perfect nose or shapely body? Or would we hold them all that much the closer with a devoted love for their welfare? Love may not come with a sudden burst of passion. It may come quietly when you turn to that person next to you and realize, "This person wants me for me.. and not for what I have. Funny, that's how I feel too." Stranger things have happened.
They are in their late fifties. Okay, so Steve isn't the stud-muffin he was thirty years ago and perhaps the years are beginning to show on his favorite gal. I suppose Rema figured out right away that Steve's off-color humor wasn't just from a momentary brain lapse one afternoon, it's pretty much a big part of his general character to ruffle her feathers once in awhile for a little fun. And of course Steve knows he'll be in for some bit of scolding in return from Rema as well along the way. Yet in the midst of all this, they love each other for.. each other. And that is what came to mind as I thought of some issues during the weekend.
For well over a year I've been pondering the question, "Is it better to be loved for who I am?, or for what I have?" Seems like an easy question. "For who I am." seems obvious. But upon further examination (as I'm prone to do) I pondered the following; "If a woman loves a man only for his money it is obvious the man is not truly loved. If a woman only loves a man for how well he treats her, it is possible this man is still not loved." Seem unlikely? I wouldn't have asked this question three years ago until a friend of mine who was suppose to get married in five weeks his fiance' simply stood up and said, "I can't marry you. I don't want to talk about it."
For six months she refused to talk about it until finally she felt she was able to tell him the truth about why she canceled their wedding plans. She said, "I was never in love with -you-, I only loved how well you treated me. Don't take it personal." So getting back to "being wanted". It is possible to be wanted for what you have, even when what you have is not a material thing such as good looks or money. This happens to women as well. I have a close friend who has found the absolutely most passionate, adorable, kind-hearted woman he ever could have hoped to find. But he refuses to allow himself to love or pursue her. He wants her qualities, but doesn't want her. Granted, his perception of how pretty he thinks a woman should be to be the one he does choose has clouded his thinking to a great degree, but in essence he's found what he's looking for, but doesn't really want... her.
Being wanted. Wanting someone. Sometimes we want someone despite the fact that they are the total opposite of what we know is good for a relationship. We just "want" that person even though they are rude, loud, obnoxious, cheap, on parole, in rehab, should be in rehab or whatever. And then there's the opposite situation. We meet someone who possesses all or most of the attributes we wait so long wishing and praying for, but if they are anything less than absolutely stunning in appearance we draw back confused at ourselves.
I may be wrong here, but I think it's worth consideration. In the first instance, it would seem plainly obvious that pursuing someone who lacks either the maturity or desire to have a healthy relationship is just a recipe for disaster. It's one thing to fall in love with someone you can have a truly loving relationship with who has a few "rough edges" as with Rema and Steve. It's quite another to get involved with someone who has no practical concept of respect, kindness, giving or compassion. Steve may be a little bit of a tease on Rema, but he's always been one of the most loving, faithful, kind-hearted, respectful men I've ever known to love a woman.
In the second situation, you have the character and mature, loving heart you'd always hoped to meet.. only there doesn't seem to be that explosive, "fireworks" burst of song across the heavens announcing you've found your loving soul-mate. I do believe, to a degree, that in order to love a person in an Eros sort of way you need to be attracted to that person. But I also believe that as you understand how much this person loves you, and how much you love that person... they become beautiful to you inwardly in ways that make them physically beautiful (or handsome) outwardly. That being said, it seems to make sense that when you do find someone you can respect, love,and share your thoughts with.. that it would be worth the effort to at least see if this situation could work out.
There is so much truth to the words, "Love others as you would desire to be loved." We do not want to be loved for what we have or can provide, we want to be loved for who we are. This is what we need to keep in mind as we assess our love for someone else as well. Do we really desire to love that person? Or are we only wanting to take what they have? Would we love them after some unforeseen accident stripped them of that perfect nose or shapely body? Or would we hold them all that much the closer with a devoted love for their welfare? Love may not come with a sudden burst of passion. It may come quietly when you turn to that person next to you and realize, "This person wants me for me.. and not for what I have. Funny, that's how I feel too." Stranger things have happened.
LOVE: 1 + 1 =3? YES!!!!!!!!!! IT DOES
Synergy is a funny thing. It basically says that "1+1=3". How can this be? Well, simply put, synergy is the observation that two agents combined produce greater results than could be obtained by those same agents separately. Let's say you wanted to plant a garden but there was a huge boulder in the center of your selected location. All you have on hand is one match and one stick of dynamite. Now, individually, you could first throw the lit match at the boulder hoping to push it from its spot. I doubt you'd make much progress. Next you could throw the stick of dynamite at the boulder and hope once again, to little or no effect. Or you could combine the two by sticking the dynamite into a crevice under the boulder, light the fuse with the match and then.. run! The combined effect of the two agents produces results much greater than either could individually. This is a noted effect in chemicals and other processes as well.
Somewhere, I don't remember where but I wouldn't be surprised if it were on the inside of a greeting card, I read the following quotation, "I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I'm with you." Something happens when we are close to someone, for better or worse, and that something is called 'synergy'.
My grandmother used to warn my Mom as a teenager, "Be careful who you choose for friends. Because the way they are is the way you will become." The people we spend time with do seem to bring out different sides of our character. And sometimes to our own surprise. I was thinking back on the distinct relationships I've had in my life and it was easy to see how I was not quite the same person with each of them. With one I tended to be more ambitious, fatherly, and adventurous. Another brought out the mischievous, romantic, playful side of me. And yet another brought out the giving, communicating, stern side of my character.
Not only do certain people we fall in love with bring out certain sides of our personality, but they also make us feel a certain 'way' just by their natural character and demeanor. A patient recently told me her boyfriend makes her feel so 'relaxed' when she's with him. Not every man she knows makes her feel this way. Some women, with certain men, can bring out the ambitious, hopeful, creative, passionate or responsible side of that particular man. Certain men, on the other hand, make particular women feel secure, cared for, loved, safe, or bring out their tenderness, courage, tactfulness, affection, etc. Yet the funny thing is that the same man will not necessarily make all women feel that way. One man's welcomed mischievousness is embraced and encouraged by one woman and yet that same playfulness is the thorn that drives another woman up the walls. One woman's directness inspires one man to greatness while driving another man to feel nagged or bothered.
I wish I'd been thinking along these lines when I was speaking with a friend of mine several weeks ago who finds herself giving her devoted love to a man who less than appreciates her devotion by the way he mistreats her. Looking at it now, I'd have to say that much of her focus is on how well she can treat him in the hopes that it will make -him- a better person. But what is being overlooked is the person -she- has become by pursuing this relationship. Unfortunately, from an objective viewpoint several people commented that her kindnesses are being abused to the degree that she is not much more than a 'doormat' when with him, whereas away from him.. at her workplace, she is a professional woman who carries out her duties in a manner that is far more self-respecting of her personal worth as an individual. And so it is that the changes brought out by others are not always positive.
I think I'll be paying more attention to this the next time I get involved in a relationship. "How do I feel when I'm with this person?", "What side of my character does this person bring out?" and "Are these changes positive or negative to being the person I aspire to be?". C.S. Lewis, a favorite author of mine, once commented, "Friendship tends to make good men better and bad men worse." I suppose that all hinges on who we choose for friends, as my Gramma would no doubt add. So it would seem even all the more important to take note of what effects our prospective mate has on our life for, of all the people we meet, they are to be the closest, most intimate friend we will ever bring into our lives.
Somewhere, I don't remember where but I wouldn't be surprised if it were on the inside of a greeting card, I read the following quotation, "I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I'm with you." Something happens when we are close to someone, for better or worse, and that something is called 'synergy'.
My grandmother used to warn my Mom as a teenager, "Be careful who you choose for friends. Because the way they are is the way you will become." The people we spend time with do seem to bring out different sides of our character. And sometimes to our own surprise. I was thinking back on the distinct relationships I've had in my life and it was easy to see how I was not quite the same person with each of them. With one I tended to be more ambitious, fatherly, and adventurous. Another brought out the mischievous, romantic, playful side of me. And yet another brought out the giving, communicating, stern side of my character.
Not only do certain people we fall in love with bring out certain sides of our personality, but they also make us feel a certain 'way' just by their natural character and demeanor. A patient recently told me her boyfriend makes her feel so 'relaxed' when she's with him. Not every man she knows makes her feel this way. Some women, with certain men, can bring out the ambitious, hopeful, creative, passionate or responsible side of that particular man. Certain men, on the other hand, make particular women feel secure, cared for, loved, safe, or bring out their tenderness, courage, tactfulness, affection, etc. Yet the funny thing is that the same man will not necessarily make all women feel that way. One man's welcomed mischievousness is embraced and encouraged by one woman and yet that same playfulness is the thorn that drives another woman up the walls. One woman's directness inspires one man to greatness while driving another man to feel nagged or bothered.
I wish I'd been thinking along these lines when I was speaking with a friend of mine several weeks ago who finds herself giving her devoted love to a man who less than appreciates her devotion by the way he mistreats her. Looking at it now, I'd have to say that much of her focus is on how well she can treat him in the hopes that it will make -him- a better person. But what is being overlooked is the person -she- has become by pursuing this relationship. Unfortunately, from an objective viewpoint several people commented that her kindnesses are being abused to the degree that she is not much more than a 'doormat' when with him, whereas away from him.. at her workplace, she is a professional woman who carries out her duties in a manner that is far more self-respecting of her personal worth as an individual. And so it is that the changes brought out by others are not always positive.
I think I'll be paying more attention to this the next time I get involved in a relationship. "How do I feel when I'm with this person?", "What side of my character does this person bring out?" and "Are these changes positive or negative to being the person I aspire to be?". C.S. Lewis, a favorite author of mine, once commented, "Friendship tends to make good men better and bad men worse." I suppose that all hinges on who we choose for friends, as my Gramma would no doubt add. So it would seem even all the more important to take note of what effects our prospective mate has on our life for, of all the people we meet, they are to be the closest, most intimate friend we will ever bring into our lives.
LOVE: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAVING A FIGHT VS ARGUMENT
I was approached by a patient several years ago who made the following comment, "You know how I know my wife and I are meant for each other?" Of course, "No.", was my reply. He then said, "In all our years of marriage and dating, we've never disagreed on anything. We think exactly alike." I thought about this for a moment and replied, "If you two haven't had a decent argument in all these years, somebody's not saying what's really on their mind."
First, let's deal with definitions. It always helps to know what we mean, and don't mean, when we use a word. The most important yet least noted element concerning the word "argument" is that it is -not- synonymous with the word "fight". Yet in our care-free use of language we will just as easily say, "My wife and I had a big argument last night.." when what really happened was the man and his wife actually had a "big fight". There is a major difference between the two, though they share a very slim margin of commonality.
In an argument, what occurs is two people of differing views on a subject meet and each express their own opinions along with the reasons they support such a position. Screaming, anger, or bodily animation is not needed to have a good argument, though sometimes those elements arise depending on the stress level of those involved. The objective of each is both to hear and to be heard. Perhaps they will agree in the end, perhaps not. In court we see that both the Defense and Prosecution are allowed to make their "closing arguments". In personal affairs, whether between friends or lovers, the argument serves the same purpose. Because not everyone agrees on EVERYTHING together, anytime we honestly speak our mind it is inevitable we will eventually disagree with someone. The moment we begin to each share our opinions, an argument has begun.
However, a fight is a different animal altogether. Perhaps the biggest reason for all the confusion is that a "fight" can include the presence of an argument, but it is not necessary to have an argument in order to have a fight. The objective of a person engaged in a fight is very simple and direct... to hurt the other person. The things said are not really meant to defend one's own position on an issue, they are meant to be used as a weapon. My tae kwon do instructor had the following philosophy on fighting.. "When you spar in tournament, you hit for points. When you fight a street opponent, you fight to disable them from fighting anymore." This is how fighting differs from arguing. A person involved in a fight will do all that is necessary to leave the other person wounded. A person in an argument does not seek to hurt, but only to make his point.
Because even a healthy argument can take an ugly turn so easily, it is good to be aware of what keeps an argument a useful, healthy part of an honest relationship. We all know honesty is a good thing. Yet we also know that honesty without kindness is nothing less than a license for cruelty. We have met people who insist, "I'm an honest person. I say what's on my mind.", yet they say this only to make excuse for their cruel remarks about other people's appearance. And so it is with an argument. In order for an argument to remain a useful, helpful part of how we interact with people, it must never be practiced without the presence of Respect. It is when respect is set aside from the arguing process that a fight begins to loom on the horizon.
As I alluded to in the beginning with the man who approached me, anytime we are honest with our opinions or preferences we are bound to be in disagreement with our mates. It may be over something as simple as where to go for the weekend or which movie to rent out. The answer is not to surgically remove discussion from the relationship and appoint one member to "make all the decisions". The answer is to, within the confines of respect, allow both parties to be speak and be heard on their differing positions. This is an argument, no more, no less.
I remember Joanne (ex girlfriend)...a long time ago sometimes we either did not see eye-to-eye or other times we agreed, but for different reasons. We argued our positions with passion and reason, yet always within the boundaries of respect. At the end, many times we still did not come to agreement on some "non-essential" issue but through it all we were still as close in our relationship as when we first started to talk.
Melissa was another story(ex girlfriend)...she love to discusse things but her talk always lead to a "fight" instead of an "arguement". It was like she was willing to win the fight even if it meant it would hurt the relationship. It felt like an attack more than anything else. Her tone would change...and she would be sacratic
with her commment. She really didn't want to have a conversation with me...she wanted to have a conversation with herself. Any serious disagreement caused chaos. I was always afraid to talk or disagree because after a while you just get sick and tired of the cold shoulder, silence treatment...and anger and the best thing to do is just keep go along to keep the peace.
In a relationship, both parties should know they have the freedom and security to share their mind and heart honestly and be respected, though maybe not agreed with, for doing so. The same applies among friends and our children. I do not agree with many things my friends believe or support, but commonality is never a requirement in my love and care for them.
First, let's deal with definitions. It always helps to know what we mean, and don't mean, when we use a word. The most important yet least noted element concerning the word "argument" is that it is -not- synonymous with the word "fight". Yet in our care-free use of language we will just as easily say, "My wife and I had a big argument last night.." when what really happened was the man and his wife actually had a "big fight". There is a major difference between the two, though they share a very slim margin of commonality.
In an argument, what occurs is two people of differing views on a subject meet and each express their own opinions along with the reasons they support such a position. Screaming, anger, or bodily animation is not needed to have a good argument, though sometimes those elements arise depending on the stress level of those involved. The objective of each is both to hear and to be heard. Perhaps they will agree in the end, perhaps not. In court we see that both the Defense and Prosecution are allowed to make their "closing arguments". In personal affairs, whether between friends or lovers, the argument serves the same purpose. Because not everyone agrees on EVERYTHING together, anytime we honestly speak our mind it is inevitable we will eventually disagree with someone. The moment we begin to each share our opinions, an argument has begun.
However, a fight is a different animal altogether. Perhaps the biggest reason for all the confusion is that a "fight" can include the presence of an argument, but it is not necessary to have an argument in order to have a fight. The objective of a person engaged in a fight is very simple and direct... to hurt the other person. The things said are not really meant to defend one's own position on an issue, they are meant to be used as a weapon. My tae kwon do instructor had the following philosophy on fighting.. "When you spar in tournament, you hit for points. When you fight a street opponent, you fight to disable them from fighting anymore." This is how fighting differs from arguing. A person involved in a fight will do all that is necessary to leave the other person wounded. A person in an argument does not seek to hurt, but only to make his point.
Because even a healthy argument can take an ugly turn so easily, it is good to be aware of what keeps an argument a useful, healthy part of an honest relationship. We all know honesty is a good thing. Yet we also know that honesty without kindness is nothing less than a license for cruelty. We have met people who insist, "I'm an honest person. I say what's on my mind.", yet they say this only to make excuse for their cruel remarks about other people's appearance. And so it is with an argument. In order for an argument to remain a useful, helpful part of how we interact with people, it must never be practiced without the presence of Respect. It is when respect is set aside from the arguing process that a fight begins to loom on the horizon.
As I alluded to in the beginning with the man who approached me, anytime we are honest with our opinions or preferences we are bound to be in disagreement with our mates. It may be over something as simple as where to go for the weekend or which movie to rent out. The answer is not to surgically remove discussion from the relationship and appoint one member to "make all the decisions". The answer is to, within the confines of respect, allow both parties to be speak and be heard on their differing positions. This is an argument, no more, no less.
I remember Joanne (ex girlfriend)...a long time ago sometimes we either did not see eye-to-eye or other times we agreed, but for different reasons. We argued our positions with passion and reason, yet always within the boundaries of respect. At the end, many times we still did not come to agreement on some "non-essential" issue but through it all we were still as close in our relationship as when we first started to talk.
Melissa was another story(ex girlfriend)...she love to discusse things but her talk always lead to a "fight" instead of an "arguement". It was like she was willing to win the fight even if it meant it would hurt the relationship. It felt like an attack more than anything else. Her tone would change...and she would be sacratic
with her commment. She really didn't want to have a conversation with me...she wanted to have a conversation with herself. Any serious disagreement caused chaos. I was always afraid to talk or disagree because after a while you just get sick and tired of the cold shoulder, silence treatment...and anger and the best thing to do is just keep go along to keep the peace.
In a relationship, both parties should know they have the freedom and security to share their mind and heart honestly and be respected, though maybe not agreed with, for doing so. The same applies among friends and our children. I do not agree with many things my friends believe or support, but commonality is never a requirement in my love and care for them.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
LOVE: BEING ACCEPTED FOR WHO YOU ARE
Funny thing about us humans... we're constantly changing, adapting, learning, maturing from one day to the next. Yet we remain the same. We learn more facts, go though new experiences, visit new places and change our views on just about everything but basically we are still the person we always were when it comes to our temperament, moods, personality and such.
This brings me to a topic that seems pretty obvious, yet somehow gets lost in the midst of all the passion and flurry of a new romance. We want to be loved for who we are, yet we are expected to grow and mature in the way we relate specifically to the one we love. Conversely, we love the person we love "just the way they are"... but still expect them to put some effort into working out the wrinkles that come along the way. Perhaps it'll make things a little clearer if we categorize ourselves by our "Habits" apart from our "Personality".
In our Habits, I mean those more external aspects of our lives like whether or not we put the toilet seat down, drive fast or slow, fold the laundry or just wear it straight from the dryer. It can also include changeable things like learning courtesy, romance, consideration, or showing up on time. While Personality would be more like your lifelong temperament. Have you always been excitable, personable, easily bothered, meticulous, estudious, sociable, humorous, etc. as your normal "mode" of life without even trying? It's those things within that are just simply You.
Okay, so now let's say Joe meets Mary and they're just crazy for each other. Joe has been a bachelor all his life and tends to be a bit sloppy, but cooks great, very romantic, but shows up late to work, emotional but doesn't have a bad temper. Meanwhile Mary is meticulously clean, but very warm- hearted, very practical with money, but very intolerant of irresponsiblity, considerate but not prone to random acts of passion. As you can see, Joe and Mary may have a few wrinkles to work through. But all in all they are just crazy for each other, so they set to work on their relationship.
Does Joe love Mary for who she is? He says, "Yah!". Does Joe wish she'd lighten up a bit and not be such a drag about what he considers "little things"? Again he says, "Yah!" And Mary, she just loves Joe to pieces. But she would feel Joe was considerate of her feelings and advice if he'd be a bit more responsible with his job and help clean up the house more often. Joe and Mary are set up to do one of two very interesting things here.
They have the opportunity to love one another as they are, while still expecting some level of "change" in consideration for each other. Doing this they can help each other as a great team with Joe becoming a bit more responsible and Mary a bit more loose and fun. The other possibility lying before them is to do what happens too often. They can try to "force" change from each other and find themselves bartering against each other in such a way that, to prove they are their own person.. become all the more Carefree-Joe and Uptight-Mary.
Of course, there is always the third option where where only Mary, or Joe, are doing all the changing and giving in the relationship while the other simply takes it easy and takes it all for it's worth. But more on this in our conclusion.
When this second option comes into play, it won't be long before the warmth and consideration that make love so grand soon grow cold and distant to some degree or another. So what might be the element that makes the first option work that is lacking in the second option? It would seem to be the issue of "giving freely". There is a saying that "Love does the most, yet thinks the least of what it does." Love is not 100% mushy feelings, it has to do with the way you "do" things in relation to the one you love. It gives unselfishly because it's motivation for giving, or changing Habits, is not for what it -gets-, but simply what it can -give- to the beloved. Meanwhile, one maintains their original sense of who they are, their own Personality.
Unfortunately too many people have been justifiably hurt by giving to people who either did not appreciate it, demanded more or were simply unsatisfiable. And so the temptation is to prevent ourselves from being hurt that way again. But I view love much like my fourth sky-dive attempt. The first time was GREAT! What a rush! Second time, I crashed and hurt my back. Third time, I was so scared I crashed my landing again and not only hurt my back but accidently had a clip I'd overlooked dig into my leg the whole way down before slamming into the ground. But the fourth time, as I sat there with my gear waiting for my plane to be re-fueled, I figured going up again was just gonna have to be an "all or nothing" approach. I couldn't go half-way and back out just because I'd gotten hurt before. I jumped, I landed fine and even rode my bicycle home with a stupid grin on my face.
And so it is with love. Most of us have past relationships where we truly gave and didn't get the same in return. We were told "I love you", but the actions just weren't behind it, so we left. But when faced with a new relationship, if it's going to work it'll be because we are willing to believe once again, it's "all or nothing". This means giving love that expects to be heard and respected for our desires as well as willing to give in respect to the desires of our beloved. Meanwhile, we love them for who they are, even as we work together to smooth out some of the habits that grate on our very last nerve.
This brings me to a topic that seems pretty obvious, yet somehow gets lost in the midst of all the passion and flurry of a new romance. We want to be loved for who we are, yet we are expected to grow and mature in the way we relate specifically to the one we love. Conversely, we love the person we love "just the way they are"... but still expect them to put some effort into working out the wrinkles that come along the way. Perhaps it'll make things a little clearer if we categorize ourselves by our "Habits" apart from our "Personality".
In our Habits, I mean those more external aspects of our lives like whether or not we put the toilet seat down, drive fast or slow, fold the laundry or just wear it straight from the dryer. It can also include changeable things like learning courtesy, romance, consideration, or showing up on time. While Personality would be more like your lifelong temperament. Have you always been excitable, personable, easily bothered, meticulous, estudious, sociable, humorous, etc. as your normal "mode" of life without even trying? It's those things within that are just simply You.
Okay, so now let's say Joe meets Mary and they're just crazy for each other. Joe has been a bachelor all his life and tends to be a bit sloppy, but cooks great, very romantic, but shows up late to work, emotional but doesn't have a bad temper. Meanwhile Mary is meticulously clean, but very warm- hearted, very practical with money, but very intolerant of irresponsiblity, considerate but not prone to random acts of passion. As you can see, Joe and Mary may have a few wrinkles to work through. But all in all they are just crazy for each other, so they set to work on their relationship.
Does Joe love Mary for who she is? He says, "Yah!". Does Joe wish she'd lighten up a bit and not be such a drag about what he considers "little things"? Again he says, "Yah!" And Mary, she just loves Joe to pieces. But she would feel Joe was considerate of her feelings and advice if he'd be a bit more responsible with his job and help clean up the house more often. Joe and Mary are set up to do one of two very interesting things here.
They have the opportunity to love one another as they are, while still expecting some level of "change" in consideration for each other. Doing this they can help each other as a great team with Joe becoming a bit more responsible and Mary a bit more loose and fun. The other possibility lying before them is to do what happens too often. They can try to "force" change from each other and find themselves bartering against each other in such a way that, to prove they are their own person.. become all the more Carefree-Joe and Uptight-Mary.
Of course, there is always the third option where where only Mary, or Joe, are doing all the changing and giving in the relationship while the other simply takes it easy and takes it all for it's worth. But more on this in our conclusion.
When this second option comes into play, it won't be long before the warmth and consideration that make love so grand soon grow cold and distant to some degree or another. So what might be the element that makes the first option work that is lacking in the second option? It would seem to be the issue of "giving freely". There is a saying that "Love does the most, yet thinks the least of what it does." Love is not 100% mushy feelings, it has to do with the way you "do" things in relation to the one you love. It gives unselfishly because it's motivation for giving, or changing Habits, is not for what it -gets-, but simply what it can -give- to the beloved. Meanwhile, one maintains their original sense of who they are, their own Personality.
Unfortunately too many people have been justifiably hurt by giving to people who either did not appreciate it, demanded more or were simply unsatisfiable. And so the temptation is to prevent ourselves from being hurt that way again. But I view love much like my fourth sky-dive attempt. The first time was GREAT! What a rush! Second time, I crashed and hurt my back. Third time, I was so scared I crashed my landing again and not only hurt my back but accidently had a clip I'd overlooked dig into my leg the whole way down before slamming into the ground. But the fourth time, as I sat there with my gear waiting for my plane to be re-fueled, I figured going up again was just gonna have to be an "all or nothing" approach. I couldn't go half-way and back out just because I'd gotten hurt before. I jumped, I landed fine and even rode my bicycle home with a stupid grin on my face.
And so it is with love. Most of us have past relationships where we truly gave and didn't get the same in return. We were told "I love you", but the actions just weren't behind it, so we left. But when faced with a new relationship, if it's going to work it'll be because we are willing to believe once again, it's "all or nothing". This means giving love that expects to be heard and respected for our desires as well as willing to give in respect to the desires of our beloved. Meanwhile, we love them for who they are, even as we work together to smooth out some of the habits that grate on our very last nerve.
LOVE: THE DESIRE FOR LOVE
Mother Teresa, known for her work among the leper colonies and providing care to the sick and dying of India, once said, (to paraphrase..) "Leprosy is not the worst plague to happen to mankind. It is instead to go through life unloved." Although there was little she could do to restore the health of the many infected people she came across, she devoted herself to giving them the one thing they needed even more.. to be loved and cared for. These people knew that with with her and her helpers they'd not die alone. Someone was there to wash them, feed them and hold their hand even in their final hours.
One of my e-mail friends wrote me couple of months ago, "You'd like to be in a relationship.. wouldn't you?" I wrote back that my answer was both "Yes" and "No". Yes, I would like to be in a healthy, mutual, loving relationship with all its bumps, arguments, making up and tenderness.. but no, I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one.
As tempting as it may be to get involved before there is an actual, mutual desire it seems at best a gamble and at worst reckless to do so. This brings us back to the value of simply being friends first rather than try to force the issue of a relationship upon someone who is opposed to it. I have a co-worker who told me yesterday of how he and his wife were friends before having a relationship together. It seems to be working out quite well for them as they've progressed into marriage and parenthood together.
Looking back at the times I broke up with a girlfriend, I remember the hardest days were the first few after the actual break-up. Getting used to that first weekend without them and missing the routine of doing things with someone special. It was tempting to think that the answer was to return to that person thinking that they were the answer to this. But after really giving it some thought I saw that it wasn't her aloofness or distant attitude that I missed.. I just missed having someone I thought cared for and loved me. I missed what all our hearts yearn for... to be desired. For I knew that if the girl I'd broken up with were to come back, along with her lack of desire or concern, I'd not be any happier than before we'd broken up because her heart was not turned with a desire for me in particular. She had that desire for another man, and this was more to the issue than her behavior itself.
I've come to believe its a scary thing to actually encounter what we really desire. Deep down we know we want someone who is respectful, tender, faithful and sincere in their feelings towards us but when we actually meet that person suddenly we find ourselves unsure how to handle the situation. We meet so many people who don't have these qualities, or have them but don't care to share them with us, that it becomes what we are familiar in dealing with. It takes some getting used to both being treated well and the responsibilities to then be a loving mate in return.
We wait and hope for what we want and then when its right in front of us.. we panic. We know how to deal with the aloof, abusive, selfish or immature people from past experience. We are well acquainted with what we desire in a person and get so used to thinking we'll never find that person that it can take us by surprise when we do meet them. Maybe we even are a bit disappointed that meeting that person didn't cause us to just lose ourselves in a cloud of romantic euphoria as we'd expect and so we think to ourselves, "This is it? Where's the music? The fireworks?" And so sometimes we find ourselves running to the one who gives us that instant 'spark' of physical attraction or personality hoping they will have the traits of the person we leave behind.
We're strange creatures, us humans. We know we're not supposed to jay-walk, but we do it anyway. Could we get killed? Yes. But we do it anyway. We find love and run from it. Does it make any sense? No. We find someone who abuses us like the last relationship and get involved with them. We know better, but.. we do it anyway. Until finally we realize that being loved, being desired by someone who truly cares for us is what makes a person attractive to us in the final end. Not the other way around where we first find them attractive and then hope to 'mold' them into someone who will then desire and love us with a passion.
Sometimes a friendship turns into love, other times not. Sometimes we find ourselves attracted to a person and it takes a while to realize its not their looks we admire, but their character we respect. The scary risk at this point is to not run away because it is unfamiliar, but to carefully move forward and investigate if that rare situation known as 'mutual desire' is present. If a mutual desire is simply not there, then there is no harm so long as we are tactful and honest in our intentions along the way. But what we cannot do is tell ourselves that all we want is a pretty face or a handsome physique to be happy with a mate. For as the years pass by all these things will fade away.. but to have the love and desire of the one beside you is what survives and satisfies the yearning within us. Happiness is not always found in having the person you first wanted, but in wanting the person you finally have.
One of my e-mail friends wrote me couple of months ago, "You'd like to be in a relationship.. wouldn't you?" I wrote back that my answer was both "Yes" and "No". Yes, I would like to be in a healthy, mutual, loving relationship with all its bumps, arguments, making up and tenderness.. but no, I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one.
As tempting as it may be to get involved before there is an actual, mutual desire it seems at best a gamble and at worst reckless to do so. This brings us back to the value of simply being friends first rather than try to force the issue of a relationship upon someone who is opposed to it. I have a co-worker who told me yesterday of how he and his wife were friends before having a relationship together. It seems to be working out quite well for them as they've progressed into marriage and parenthood together.
Looking back at the times I broke up with a girlfriend, I remember the hardest days were the first few after the actual break-up. Getting used to that first weekend without them and missing the routine of doing things with someone special. It was tempting to think that the answer was to return to that person thinking that they were the answer to this. But after really giving it some thought I saw that it wasn't her aloofness or distant attitude that I missed.. I just missed having someone I thought cared for and loved me. I missed what all our hearts yearn for... to be desired. For I knew that if the girl I'd broken up with were to come back, along with her lack of desire or concern, I'd not be any happier than before we'd broken up because her heart was not turned with a desire for me in particular. She had that desire for another man, and this was more to the issue than her behavior itself.
I've come to believe its a scary thing to actually encounter what we really desire. Deep down we know we want someone who is respectful, tender, faithful and sincere in their feelings towards us but when we actually meet that person suddenly we find ourselves unsure how to handle the situation. We meet so many people who don't have these qualities, or have them but don't care to share them with us, that it becomes what we are familiar in dealing with. It takes some getting used to both being treated well and the responsibilities to then be a loving mate in return.
We wait and hope for what we want and then when its right in front of us.. we panic. We know how to deal with the aloof, abusive, selfish or immature people from past experience. We are well acquainted with what we desire in a person and get so used to thinking we'll never find that person that it can take us by surprise when we do meet them. Maybe we even are a bit disappointed that meeting that person didn't cause us to just lose ourselves in a cloud of romantic euphoria as we'd expect and so we think to ourselves, "This is it? Where's the music? The fireworks?" And so sometimes we find ourselves running to the one who gives us that instant 'spark' of physical attraction or personality hoping they will have the traits of the person we leave behind.
We're strange creatures, us humans. We know we're not supposed to jay-walk, but we do it anyway. Could we get killed? Yes. But we do it anyway. We find love and run from it. Does it make any sense? No. We find someone who abuses us like the last relationship and get involved with them. We know better, but.. we do it anyway. Until finally we realize that being loved, being desired by someone who truly cares for us is what makes a person attractive to us in the final end. Not the other way around where we first find them attractive and then hope to 'mold' them into someone who will then desire and love us with a passion.
Sometimes a friendship turns into love, other times not. Sometimes we find ourselves attracted to a person and it takes a while to realize its not their looks we admire, but their character we respect. The scary risk at this point is to not run away because it is unfamiliar, but to carefully move forward and investigate if that rare situation known as 'mutual desire' is present. If a mutual desire is simply not there, then there is no harm so long as we are tactful and honest in our intentions along the way. But what we cannot do is tell ourselves that all we want is a pretty face or a handsome physique to be happy with a mate. For as the years pass by all these things will fade away.. but to have the love and desire of the one beside you is what survives and satisfies the yearning within us. Happiness is not always found in having the person you first wanted, but in wanting the person you finally have.
LOVE: WHAT LOVE WILL REQUIRE OF US ALONG THE WAY
During the process of finding a lifelong helpmate we go through certain phases in developing the relationship. Though there are many we'll just look at those that apply to our topic at hand.
First we begin with what I call the 'Investigatory' phase. This is your basic dating, hanging out, observing and interacting to see how you mesh together. That is.. if you mesh together at all. If all goes well someone stands out in the crowd and hopefully that 'Mutual Desire' element is present. If not at first, sometimes it comes later. But without it a relationship just isn't going to happen. After this comes a period I consider the 'Trial By Fire' phase. This is where the two of you have decided to "give it a chance" and begin to exclusively build a relationship with one another, yet still without that commitment of marriage binding anything together. This could be also be considered an investigatory phase where you -really- begin to see each other as you are and not just under "date" circumstances.
Making it through the 'Trial By Fire' period is pretty much the acid test of the relationship. If you're going to have some good, healthy arguments if you're going to discover those aggravating habits and special little nuances that you love so dear.. now will be the time. Spending time together and speaking honestly are the two best things you can do during this period. Faking one's behavior or holding back one's feelings will only provide an unsure foundation for future situations. Once, or if.., the two of you have made it past this phase comes what I term the arrival of "Forsaking All Others". This is some serious stuff we're looking at now.
With the investigating, choosing and trial periods behind and two people still facing each other in committed passion for a continuing love, this "Forsakement Of All Others" phase helps to properly shape the future definition of that big "C" word.. commitment. (Often followed by that other big "M" word.. marriage.) Marriage has been defined many ways. Some good, some not so good. In our context here we will put the issue of 'forsaking' in the forefront since I believe it is too often neglected.
What does it mean to 'forsake all others'? Plainly enough it has to do with both an observation of the mind and a decision of the heart. On this planet of ours we have several billion people walking about on it at any given time, give or take a few million I suppose. Generally speaking, roughly half of them are of the opposite sex and theoretically a large percentage of them.. were you to meet them, would be people you could just as well grow to know and fall in love with given the chance. Theoretically speaking of course. What is more likely is that there are roughly another 5,000 to 20,000 people of the opposite sex you may personally encounter during the rest of your life, among whom you could find many that are attractive to you in some way or another. To 'forsake' as a conscious yet heartfelt decision is to look at the person whom you love standing before you and say with all your heart, soul and being, "This is the one person I desire. Of all the others on the face of this earth.. I forsake (put away) all others from my heart to desire this one and only person for the rest of my life as my helpmate." As I mentioned earlier, very serious stuff and often neglected when considering commitment.
While it is one thing to desire each other mutually, and yet another thing to experiment walking in that exclusive relationship for a probationary time. For this is when the relationship moves beyond the immediate gratifications and sets its eyes on the future, thus making the present joys take on a greater sense of Substance. For no matter how enjoyable and carefree the love may be for the moment, if there is no confirmed, long-term mutual direction for the relationship in its exclusiveness and perseverance then the heart is clever enough to recognize it could all be gone by the next daybreak.
Yet we often times not only allow such a near-sighted perspective but actually engineer it so as to avoid the issue of hope. For if our hopes have been crushed in the past we tend to protect ourselves from disappointment by avoiding such hopes altogether. And here is where love requires courage from us. For love hopes all things and in order to hope we must accept risk. The two are inseparable. Yet risk does not mean that we shall surely encounter the worst, only that we are willing to extend ourselves to reach out for more than can be guaranteed by the present. This is why I myself have a fondness for anniversaries, even in relationships. Each anniversary is a milestone that says, "That which we hoped upon for our future together has thus far proven to be worth the risk."
Loving someone, and being loved, in a lifelong relationship is a joyful, encouraging, difficult, upbuilding experience when known with mutual kindness, respect and gentleness. It is not merely a matter of finding a lifelong playmate with whom we can split the rent. And so it is that we are a bit closer to knowing what we desire when we are made aware of what love will require of us along the way.
First we begin with what I call the 'Investigatory' phase. This is your basic dating, hanging out, observing and interacting to see how you mesh together. That is.. if you mesh together at all. If all goes well someone stands out in the crowd and hopefully that 'Mutual Desire' element is present. If not at first, sometimes it comes later. But without it a relationship just isn't going to happen. After this comes a period I consider the 'Trial By Fire' phase. This is where the two of you have decided to "give it a chance" and begin to exclusively build a relationship with one another, yet still without that commitment of marriage binding anything together. This could be also be considered an investigatory phase where you -really- begin to see each other as you are and not just under "date" circumstances.
Making it through the 'Trial By Fire' period is pretty much the acid test of the relationship. If you're going to have some good, healthy arguments if you're going to discover those aggravating habits and special little nuances that you love so dear.. now will be the time. Spending time together and speaking honestly are the two best things you can do during this period. Faking one's behavior or holding back one's feelings will only provide an unsure foundation for future situations. Once, or if.., the two of you have made it past this phase comes what I term the arrival of "Forsaking All Others". This is some serious stuff we're looking at now.
With the investigating, choosing and trial periods behind and two people still facing each other in committed passion for a continuing love, this "Forsakement Of All Others" phase helps to properly shape the future definition of that big "C" word.. commitment. (Often followed by that other big "M" word.. marriage.) Marriage has been defined many ways. Some good, some not so good. In our context here we will put the issue of 'forsaking' in the forefront since I believe it is too often neglected.
What does it mean to 'forsake all others'? Plainly enough it has to do with both an observation of the mind and a decision of the heart. On this planet of ours we have several billion people walking about on it at any given time, give or take a few million I suppose. Generally speaking, roughly half of them are of the opposite sex and theoretically a large percentage of them.. were you to meet them, would be people you could just as well grow to know and fall in love with given the chance. Theoretically speaking of course. What is more likely is that there are roughly another 5,000 to 20,000 people of the opposite sex you may personally encounter during the rest of your life, among whom you could find many that are attractive to you in some way or another. To 'forsake' as a conscious yet heartfelt decision is to look at the person whom you love standing before you and say with all your heart, soul and being, "This is the one person I desire. Of all the others on the face of this earth.. I forsake (put away) all others from my heart to desire this one and only person for the rest of my life as my helpmate." As I mentioned earlier, very serious stuff and often neglected when considering commitment.
While it is one thing to desire each other mutually, and yet another thing to experiment walking in that exclusive relationship for a probationary time. For this is when the relationship moves beyond the immediate gratifications and sets its eyes on the future, thus making the present joys take on a greater sense of Substance. For no matter how enjoyable and carefree the love may be for the moment, if there is no confirmed, long-term mutual direction for the relationship in its exclusiveness and perseverance then the heart is clever enough to recognize it could all be gone by the next daybreak.
Yet we often times not only allow such a near-sighted perspective but actually engineer it so as to avoid the issue of hope. For if our hopes have been crushed in the past we tend to protect ourselves from disappointment by avoiding such hopes altogether. And here is where love requires courage from us. For love hopes all things and in order to hope we must accept risk. The two are inseparable. Yet risk does not mean that we shall surely encounter the worst, only that we are willing to extend ourselves to reach out for more than can be guaranteed by the present. This is why I myself have a fondness for anniversaries, even in relationships. Each anniversary is a milestone that says, "That which we hoped upon for our future together has thus far proven to be worth the risk."
Loving someone, and being loved, in a lifelong relationship is a joyful, encouraging, difficult, upbuilding experience when known with mutual kindness, respect and gentleness. It is not merely a matter of finding a lifelong playmate with whom we can split the rent. And so it is that we are a bit closer to knowing what we desire when we are made aware of what love will require of us along the way.
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