LOVE: GETTING MORE THAN JUST SEX

I was thinking for the past week whether there was one common pitfall that could lure either single or married people into bad decisions and resulting consequences. I asked myself, "What has a high likely-hood to trip up a good relationship?". The answer I considered most predominant was, sex.

I say sex, in general, but I actually mean to include sexual desire and the very perception of it or it's promise. Whether single or married it is both the promise-land and a potential field of land-mines that must be traversed with alertness.

Being Single

In observing relationships around me, as well as my own, I've seen lots of reasons why people decide to go just one more month or year into a bad relationship. They know things are going nowhere. They know they are with the wrong person. They know they want out. But they stay longer. Some stay out of procrastinative laziness. Some stay out of fear. Some stay out of insecurity. And unfortunately, if truth be known, some stay simply for the steady, reliable supply of sex. It may be bad sex or nominal sex, but at least it's in consistent supply.

This is just one more reason why deciding to begin a relationship so dependent on sexual desire or gratification is such a bad idea. I've done it and I'm sure there's some animal part in all of us that is stretching at the reigns inclined to do so whenever we are looking for a mate. We want to be with someone we find 'attractive'. The fact that we are 'attracted' to a specific person usually comes with some reason. Perhaps it is their personality or their outlook on life. And many times it is because we are attracted to them physically. That's all great and normal in the large scheme of things. But when sex or the perception of what sex with that particular person will be like becomes the primary focus for the relationship, it can easily remain the incentive for staying in a bad relationship as well.

"If the sex is good, it must be true love." That sounds almost too superficial and ignorant for anyone to believe. Yet that is the reasoning so many people find palatable to their motives. One of the arguments I've heard over the years in favor of living together before marriage went something like this; "Why would I commit my life to someone if I don't even know whether they're good in bed or not?" Why? The answer is because 'great sex' can be had with any mate you fall in love with.

The problem with the question above is that it perceives sex as an 'ability' that some people are good at, others bad at. Or as a 'compatibility' issue. Like matching up the right transmission parts for a certain make of car. However sex is so much more than that. Without love, respect and commitment it doesn't matter how physically attractive or talented the partners are regarding sex.. it'll be 'bad sex'. By that I mean unfullfilling to what was perceived as 'good sex'. Conversely, it doesn't matter how 'unnattractive' (to others) or seemingly novice a couple may be regarding sex.. when there is love, respect and commitment it is 'great sex'. Or as some may wish to qualify, "It's not just sex, it's making love". As Solomon the wise once wrote; "Better to enjoy a feast of vegetables where love is than to divide the calf among the arrogant." Love makes a feast from the simplest things while pride and lack of love between personalities brings sex down to a minimally fulfilling level.

Being Married

As for being married, there are bad marriages lacking respect or love and suffer from the situation described above. No amount of re-positioning, devices, oils, lingerie or external stimuli will make sex between two warring partners anything more than a physical release at best. However there is a danger that always resides in this world even for the content, married relationships who feast regularly from their loving banquet. This danger is the 'perception' of sexual promise being greater somewhere else.

There's an updated saying these days that says, "The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence.. but you still have to mow it." Some have allowed themselves to become lethargic and unnappreciative of what they have and perceive sex is better somewhere else with someone else. The danger is focusing on that 'someone else' and then either abandoning an existing marriage to start over or thinking they can play on both sides of the fence. Temptation is a normal thing. We could hardly consider ourselves human or honest to say there has never been a tempting pull to experience a perceived, greater fulfillment sexually that was off-limits.

But I've seen people leave their marriages because their new lover "satisfies them so fully" and off they go to embark on this new journey. Then a curious thing happens. They find themselves acclimated to the new lover. The 'newness' wears off and settles into the overall needs and workings of real marriage or a real relationship. Commitment to this new lover now comes with the exclusion of any other lovers who are even newer and more appealing. In short they have abandoned what they built only to start anew under the same conditions and for the wrong reasons. Some realize their mistake and attempt to return to what they now appreciate only to find the door closed and locked.

It wasn't that their previous sex life was lacking. It was that they 'perceived' something else to be better and thought it better to pursue it rather than improve that which they'd already invested their life into. Where there is love, there is more than sex. I once knew a man who I looked to as something of a father figure. Often times he'd talk to his son and I in private from his favorite chair and share his experiences with us. In his earlier years he said he was as much like any other man and perhaps more so. He chased women here and there.. and caught a few along the way. But after many years of faithful marriage to the love of his life he came down with cancer in his elder years. He now sat in his chair, tubes in his arm, talking to me as he always did and shared something with me.

He said, "Y'know, Alex.. I've learned something damn important with all this happening to me. In the old days all that mattered was humpin' like a rabbit in heat. Now, I aint ashamed to tell ya I can't even stir it up with this cancer and medication in me. But now I know.. I know what it's all about. I lay down beside my wife and we just hold each other and I'm tellin' ya'... I never known something so beautiful in my whole damn life."

Perception is everything.

It isn't that our partner isn't perfect enough or talented enough that makes our relationships or marriages seem insufficient. It is two things. The level of love, respect and commitment in our relationship and our perception of what we have or what we think we see somewhere else.

While most of my ponderings on this issue of 'perception' have focused on the sexual aspect there is another dimension to note. This same lack of investment or out of focus perception can apply to other areas as well. For some it may be their perception of what they think a 'real marriage' is supposed to be like. An idealized scenario that never involves disagreement or the need to compromise. For others it may be the financial aspect or what I have always called the "white-picket-fence" perfect-children illusion. When one's perception is that their goals can only be obtained by abandoning what they have and rebuilding with a better, wealthier spouse who has the 'perfect' children.. trouble is not far away.

I am a firm believer in two things. Having a high standard of what the ideal "should" be in all aspects of life. But at the same time, having a realistic understanding of where things are now, how they work in the 'real' world and that it will take work to get even part way to the aspired goal. Nothing is perfect in this world and we could drive ourselves nuts trying to make it so. But likewise there is no reason to fall willingly from one bad decision to another, resigning ourselves to a life of low expectations either.

Appreciating what we do have and being creative to make it better. Whether it be our sex life, our finances, our children, our job.. this is the sort of outlook that will help us move forward rather than sideways into an illusion that always falls short of its anticipated perception. As for today's main topic.. where there is love, there is more than sex.