LOVE: LESSONS TO LEARN ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

1-YOU NEED TO CUT THE CORD RATHER THAN BE A YO-YO: Some people have this notion of trying to have a long-term relationship without actually committing to it. If you hide your heart it can't be broken. But you can still break another person's heart. Don't stay with someone who is the master of sending mixed message: one day your partner wantes you and the next telling you "its over". With my exgirlfriend, Melissa...she knew the depth of my love for her and her cavalier treatment was on the verge of emotionally criminal behavior. I deride her for a lack of sensitivity and concern. Each time I saw her I prayed it was the beginning of a new beginning and she would break my heart once again. My biggest error was regarding Melissa as a savior who could calm the troubled seas of my psyche at that time. I didn't have a core of self, I was happy when Melissa wanted me and unhappy when she didn't. This unhealthy dynamic led to extremely self-destructive behavior.

2-IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH WHO YOU ARE, YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE. You can't look to your partner to define you, complete you, or give your life zip and meaning. You can't take away the pain and fear your partner has suffered in life, now expect him or her to make up for all the pain and fear you have suffered. You should nurture each other, be each other's best friend, helpmate, and cheerleader. You should call each other on your stuff loving.But don't push your partner into a boxed labeled 'perfect mate'. There is no such animal. Your lover isn't here to do your bidding. Nor are you here to do his or hers. Rather than being joined at the hip, allow each othere breathing space to grow. The more dynamic your life apart is the more you'll have to share with each other when you're cuddling at bed at night. Botton line: to succeed as a couple, you can't just be a couple, but two individual who each bring love, empathy, trust and the ablility to communicate and compromise to the relationship.

3-ONE LOVES, THE OTHER IS LOVED----NOT: Sometimes when you admire a person's intrinsic qualities you mistake your feelings for something else. I found my ex so intriguing on so many levels and I though that was enough to make me happy. But socializing with other couples who were clearly in love caused waves of loneliness to wash over me. No matter how loving I was to her...she wasn't loving back to me.

4-IF BOTH PARTNERS NEED TO BE ON TOP, THE RELATIONSHIPS GOES BELLY-UP. You can't have two captains in any relationship.

5-CANCEL THE OUT CLAUSE: We expect our partner to do the things for us that w eshould be doing for ourselves. When I get married there will be an agreement that we would never divorce. Splitting up is not a options. Having the level of commitment forces us to deal with each otehr come hell or high water. There is a feeling of safety. You are never going to be left. That was the biggest problem with me and my exgirlfriend...Melissa....she always had and escape clause when she didn't get what she wanted.

6-DON'T TREAT YOUR LOVER LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT. While love doesn't mean never saying you're sorry, it does mean never trying to change your partner's personality. The definition of not taking a lover for granted translates into treating your love with respect and compassion.

7-CAN'T GET BLOOD FROM A STONE: People who have been single have a a tendnecy to be self-centered, as there's no one else they have to please. The aggressive tendency might serve them well in business but not personal level....let's just say Melissa wasn't very forgiving of me when my attitude diverge from hers. She would guard her singleness like some precious gem. The healthies couple love each other, flaws and all. If their goals doesn't mesh, they accept that and move on, verus frantically trying to change the other person "for his or her own good".

8-TO FORGIVE TOO READILY IS NOT ALWAYS DIVINE: My fear of being alone overruled my self-dignity, sense of self-preservation--pretty much anything beginning with 'self'.
It doesn't get much sadder or less healhty than that. If someone does something unforgivable to you, instead of rationalizing away the misdeed, don't forgive that person. Once you allow a lover to get away with murder, he or she can keep chipping away at your soul, inch by painful inch. You shouldn't stay in a your soulless pairing for eight minutes, much less than eight years. It's far easier to stay mixed in 'victimhood' and keep having essentially the same relationship, than to make a real effort to change your partner behavior.

9-TWO HALF-PEOPLE DON'T MAKE ONE WHOLE: Feeling yourself to be unworthy of happiness, my mind-set is: Why shouldn't I be a vessel of joy to the unfortunate? Another factor edging toward unholy matrimony was a desire to be the center of another person's universe. If I matter to someone else, consequently I matter in the world.


Whether or not there is a partner at your side, you will survive. Making it though a breakup without cracking up gives you an underbelly of strength. It may not yet be of industrial-strength size proportions but it's start. TO coine another lyric associated with a pop-culture icon, once you emotionally own that you're gonna make it after all you no longer need a lover to make you feel whole. Most people are afraid to leave bad relationship because these negatives love affairs psychologically thrust them back into early childhood. Consequently, they suffer all over again the terror of potentially being separated from a parent. Happily, finding the courage to leave an adult relationship sends the message that you are no longer a helpness child. Finding a partner then becomes the gravy, not the meal.

You can't truly move on from the failed relationship until you emotionally lay it to rest. A symbolic gesture can be a started toward accomplishing this goal. When I am totally with the girl, that all the traits that originally attracted her no longer exists. How could they when I exist solely to please her. Remember the I part of I love you. It's healthy, not egocentric, to consider your needs in a relationship. Also remember how awful it felt to be a slave to the whims of your ex.. If you sense warning signs that you're starting down the love junkie road with a new partner, heed these signals instead of ignoring them because it feel so hedonistically wonderful to be in love. The reality is eventually you'll wake up from the passion haze and be miserable. Who needs that?

The key to finding the right person is to the right person. Figuring out just what you're done right and wrong in relationship past will enable you do do better relationship future. How do you develop that knowledge? Chart out a romantic resume of your love history. I remember writing out details of four failed romances I realized not only that I kept picking men who couldn't commit, but that I was too need with my partner.

To find the right mate you need to put pen to paper and develop a plan based on true self-understanding. Once I realized that my pattern was to date woman who needed to be rescued, I sat down, admitted to myself the ways I'd contributed to the breakup of those relationships, who I was now and wrote down the qualities I want my next, hopefully, last partner to possess.