DATING: GOOD GUYS ...WE'RE OUT HERE

The Good Guys.We’re out here. Regardless if you’ve had the pleasure of enjoying our company or have, as of yet, missed experiencing what magic we can create in your life, we do exist. We’re the few but proud, the sweet but fiery, the strong yet humble. We’re the good guys and we’re simply asking for one chance; one chance to take your hand and capture your heart.

We’re the guys who will look you in the eye, softly shake your hand and respectfully smile when we’re first introduced. We’re the guys who will open the door for you and allow you to walk in ahead of us. We’re the guys who will pay for the entire meal and playfully scoff at you when you suggest we let you cover the tip. We’re the guys who know how to make you laugh and would never dream of making you cry. We’re the guys who wouldn’t dare disrespect you by pressuring you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with. We’re the guys your friends approve of and wish they had. We’re the guys who are faithful to you and only you—respecting you when we’re with you and when we’re alone. We’re the guys who smile when we think of you and call just to say we’re thinking about you.

We’re the guys who write their own vows because no one else can properly express the way we feel about you. We’re the guys who make the best husbands because we treat you as an equal and not as a possession. We ‘re the guys who cook you dinner because we know you’ve had a rough day and going out to eat isn’t the same as eating a meal prepared with love. We’re the guys that protect you and allow you to feel safe when the world is beating down your door. We’re the guys who remember your favorite song and hum it to you when you’re falling asleep in our strong arms. We’re the guys who can be the spiritual leader of a relationship—building a foundation of prayer and devotion so that our house may stand strong in Him.

There’s an army of us gentlemen and we know how to treat a lady. We know what it takes to make you happy and we strive every day to put you ahead of ourselves. We’re out here and all we need is a moment—a moment to make you sigh sweetly and smile eternal. We’re the good guys and we do exist. We just need a chance.

LOVE LETTER: MY DEAREST LOVE

My Dearest Love,

Each night I spend in wakeful agony, searching the farthest recesses of my mind for the words that express my feelings for you, but alas, they do not exist. All I know is that you have possessed me, taken over my every waking thought, and driven me to the depths of despair. I long for but a glance from your beautiful eyes, or the privilege to catch a gentle greeting falling from you lovely lips. Every word you have spoken to me I have treasured, like the most precious of jewels. How long will you torment me? How long must I wait unnoticed, before you turn your precious face, like the glorious sun towards me? You are the light of my existence. Do not tell me you cannot love me, or you will seal my fate in death. Do not turn me away. Oh, but give me one favorable smile, and I shall live. Even the smallest word of acceptance shall transport me to the highest realms of joy. I wait, faithfully longing for the day when you shall be mine.

End my Agony.

LOVE: LOVE TRULY CHANGES PEOPLE

Magic and fairy tales aside, true love changes people. When someone is truly loved, and truly loves someone else, they change into a better person. Sometimes it’s not so obvious, and sometimes it takes a while, but it happens. I remember once, a friend of mine I knew immediately that he would marry this woman. For the first time in his life he seemed completely grown-up, mature, strong and stable. It’s not that he wasn’t a good person before, it’s just that once he met her, he started to shine. They’ve been married almost 3 years.

When you know you are loved, you want to be better, at least for that person. You stop thinking about “me” and start thinking about “you”. True love can transform people. It’s what we were designed for. Maybe that’s why, in the fairy tales, true love’s kiss solves all the problems. In the real world, it’s not an instant change, but it can be just as real.

Saying you "love" someone is a lot easier than really loving them. Loving is unconditional, meaning there is no conditions that the person you love loves you back. However, to know if someone loves you all one needs to look at is the actions of that person. Words are never enough, unless they are backed by actions that match what is being said. Should some one claim they love you then hurt you with their actions then most definitely that would not in my book be considered love.

You really don't know how much someone loves you. Love isn't a thing that just happens like in a fairy tale movie of "love at first sight." (I wonder what she or he will look like in "love at first sight" in 50 years' time!!) There has to be a common bond. A place in your heart and mind where you can go. Sometimes by yourself, and other times with each other. Because.... People in love will purposely hurt each other with spiteful words and actions. Hoping that the other will understand by forgiving and comforting. But.. that kind of unconditional love is very rare. Its too easy to give up and see if the grass is greener elsewhere.
Love is when you care about someone else more than yourself. That's it.

Love is something that you grow into like a young child growing into teenager clothing. Love just don't happen overnight, in one day or in one week for that matter. I think what people feel for each other in the beginning is more attraction and curiosity and with time it can change into love, but in order for true love to happen there has to be trust, honesty, sincerity and compassion in the relationship. That is the only way you really get to know that person and to know if that person really loves you.

Love is something you are sure about there is no doubt. It's a strong feeling you can't explain, But you know - because you can feel it. Everyone can show love, but can they feel love. We all show our love in different ways. How about the greatest couple, who's husband buys her flowers and gifts and takes her out on a regular basis, and we all say how lucky she is, and than BOOM... The next thing you hear is they are going through a bitter divorce... and nobody can believe it. Why - because he showed his love through guilt, but she never felt love, oh sure she got a lot of flowers and gifts, but none of that matters if you don't feel love. So just because someone doesn't show you love but you can feel it - than you know it's love. You know the feeling I'm talking about... You can't make someone love you, yea in time they might grow to love, but that's a different kind of love (we all love are coffee in the morning, but were not in love with our coffee)Point being when you love someone they will love you back, there will be no doubts, because you know in your heart. He Loves Me. They don't need time to think about it.

Love is a mindset that commits one person to engage into actions that include sacrifice, respect and compromise for the purpose of benefiting the person being loved. They are carried out with respect to the other person. Without respect, there's no love. True love is a continual process over time; it is not the "fuzzy feelings" or the "intense physical chemistry/attraction". These are simply lust. Unfortunately so many woman are just looking for one thing....Chemistry and because of that  they are so easily confused between love and lust.

From what I know remember from medicine....love is commitment made in our cerebral cortex secondary to a brief period of excitement generated by our pleasure-seeking center, hypothalamus. Lust is a singular hormonal/emotional response driven by our pleasure seeking brain center. Love includes emotional response and actions. With only emotional responses, it's mere lust and fantasy. It is essential to have a clear definition of what love encompasses in one's mind. It can avoid a lot of hurtful feelings and encounters in dating.

Like everything in life, love is relative. It means many different things to many different people. Perhaps this is because it is only an idea. Imagine if everyone who read the same description of a character in a story saw the exact same visual image in their mind? Same thing with love...each person will have a distinct idea of it.

For me, love is caring about the person, being there for them no matter what it costs you (physically, emotionally, etc.), and a willingness to endure all things necessary to keep that person in your life. So, do you love someone? It depends: Do you find yourself giving up other ventures just to spend an extra moment with them? Do you enjoy talking (really talking) with them? Does this person bring out a necessity in you to be the best you can be, not for your benefit, but for their benefit?

Probably the most universal sign of true love is friendship: Is this person your best friend? Because, if you two truly love each other, your time together will be like time spent between two best friends. Do you run around worried about what your best friend is doing? Do you ever question if you can trust your best friend? No! And that is the key. True love is when your lover is also your best friend. And that, I'm sorry to say, is very hard to achieve.

As far as the "fuzzy feeling" is concerned: How many of us have woken up on Christmas Morning and had this sudden rush of excitement: WOO WHOOO!! It's Christmas! It happen to me once.., I got that feeling when I wake up on a day I know I'll get to see her. We haven't had sex yet, so it's not a feeling in my pants. It is excitement that I finally have another opportunity to show her exactly how much she means to me, to let her know that I will always be there for her, and to and another notch to the ladder of trust that we must build. In short, it is excitement that I finally have an opportunity to do something to make her day a little more special, and seeing the smile on her face or a simple squeeze of my hand is plenty of a reward for my efforts.

LOVE is the feeling deep inside that tells you when you are apart that you desperately want to be back with your loved one. It is the feeling of wanting to be as one, together! One of the most important things (already mentioned many times) is that this person should be your "best friend" and should always be considered before anyone else. They are your "world", your "rock" and should be loved unconditionally 100% of the time. It is when you want to tell the world "I love this person and I want to grow old with this beautiful person".

One final thing (and this is strictly my opinion): If the two of you do not make each other laugh then there is no reason to pursue a relationship. After all, if you can't laugh all you can do is cry.

THOUGHTS: A PATIENT NAME MIKE

Once upon a time I had a patient who was severely burned over most of his body. Six weeks after his 27th birthday, he didn’t realize that there was a gas leak in the stove in his apartment, so he lit a match and his entire kitchen blew up. He barely survived. When he got out of the hospital four months later, his nose and fingers and ears were burnt nubs and his skin was more hide than flesh, like that of a pink lizard with mean streaks of white glazed over the top. I’ll call him Mike.

A rich man, thanks to the accident, having received a settlement from the gas company. He’d grown up lower middle class, He bought exquisite food and outrageously overpriced booze. He collected art and hung it in a series of hip and tony lofts. He wore impeccable clothes and drove around in fancy cars. He loved having money. He often said that being burned was the best thing that had ever happened to him. That if he could travel back in time he would not unlight that match. To unlight the match would be to lose the money that had brought him so much happiness. He had an incredible life, he said, and he was grateful for it.

But there was one thing. One tiny thing. He was sorry he couldn’t have love. Romantic love. Sexual love. Love love. Love.

“But you can!” I insisted, though it’s true that when I first met him I was skittish about holding his gaze because he was, in fact, a ghastly sight, his body a rough yet tender landscape of the excruciatingly painful and the distorted familiar.But after a while, he became more than a patient I had to take care of. He became my friend. By then, I’d forgotten that he looked like a monster. It was the strangest thing, but it was true, how profoundly my vision of Ian changed once I knew him. How his burnt face became instead his bright blue eyes, his scarred and stumpy hands, the sound of his voice. It wasn’t that I couldn’t see his monstrosity anymore. It was still there in all its grotesque glory. But alongside it there was something else, something more ferocious: his beauty.


Mike would not hear a word of it. To so much as contemplate the possibility of a girlfriend was unbearable to him. He’d made the decision to close himself off to romantic love way back when he was still in the hospital. No one would love a man as ugly as him, he thought. When I argued with him, he said that I had no idea about the importance of looks. When I told him I thought there were surely a few women on the planet willing to love a burned man, he said he would make do with the occasional services of a prostitute. When I said I thought that his refusal to open himself up to romantic love was based on fear and conquering that fear was the last thing he had to heal from the trauma of his accident, he said the discussion was over.

And so it was. Mike told me the entire story of how he got burned.. He said he’d just woken up and that he was gazing absently at a sleeve of saltine crackers on the counter the moment his kitchen flashed into blue flame. He was amazed to see the crackers and the sleeve disintegrate and disappear in an instant. It seemed to him a beautiful, almost magical occurrence, and then, in the next moment, he realized that he was engulfed in the blue flame and disintegrating too. He told me about falling down onto the floor and moaning and how his roommate had awakened but been too afraid to come to him, so instead he yelled words of comfort to Ian from another room. It was the people who’d been on the sidewalk down below and seen the windows blow out of his apartment who’d been the first to call 911. He told me about how the paramedics talked to him kindly as they carried him down the stairs on a stretcher and how one of them told him that he might die and how he cried out at the thought of that and how the way he sounded to himself in that cry was the last thing he remembered before he lost consciousness for weeks.

And just recently I found out he killed himself. It would be so easy to trace Mike’s death back to that match, the one he said he would not unlight if he could. The one that made him appear to be a monster and therefore unfit for romantic love, while also making him rich and therefore happy. That match is so temptingly symbolic, like something hard and golden in a fairy tale that exacts a price equal to its power.

But I don’t think his death can be traced back to that. I think it goes back to his decision to close himself off to romantic love, to refuse to allow himself even the possibility of something so very essential because of something so superficial as the way he looked.

His death got me to thinking....you will never have my permission to close yourself off to love and give up. Never. You must do everything you can to get what you want and need, to find “that type of love.” It’s there for you. I know it’s arrogant of me to say so, because what the hell do I know about looking like a monster or a beast? Not a thing. But I do know that we are here, all of us — beasts and monsters and beauties and wallflowers alike — to do the best we can. And every last one of us can do better than give up.

The journey to find love isn’t going to be average either. You’re going to have to be brave. You’re going to have to walk into the darkest woods without a stick. A lot of people will immediately X you out as a romantic partner. That’s okay. You don’t need those people. By stepping aside, they’ve done you a favor. Because what you’ve got left after the fools have departed are the old souls and the true hearts. Those are the uber-cool sparkle rocket mind blowers we’re after. Those are the people worthy of your love.

By way of offering up evidence  there are  alot of movies in which “the ugly characters are redeemed by being made beautiful in time to catch the eye of their love interest,” but that’s not a story I buy We are way more ancient than that. We have better, truer stories. You know that fairy tale called Beauty and the Beast? Jeanne-Marie Le Prince de Beaumont abridged Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve’s original La Belle et la Bête in 1756 and it is her version that most of us know today. There are many details that I’ll omit here, but the story goes roughly like this:

A beautiful young woman named Belle lives with a beast in a castle. Belle is touched by the beast’s grace and generosity and compelled by his sensitive intelligence, but each night when the beast asks Belle to marry him, she declines because she’s repulsed by his appearance. One day she leaves the beast to visit her family. She and the beast agree that she’ll return in a week, but when she doesn’t the beast is bereft. In sorrow, he goes into the rose garden and collapses. That is how Belle finds him when she returns, half-dead from heartbreak. Seeing him in this state, she realizes that she truly loves him. Not just as a friend, but in that way, and so she professes her love and weeps. When her tears fall onto the beast, he is transformed into a handsome prince.

What I want you to note is that Belle loved the beast when he was still a beast — not a handsome prince. It is only once she loved him that he was transformed. love transforms us all. But you have to be fearless enough to let it transform you.

How may of us closing ourself off from the possibility of romance before anyone has the chance to feel romantically toward us? I believe once you allow yourself to be psychologically ready to give and receive love, your best course is to do what everyone who is looking for love does: put your best self out there with as much transparence and sincerity and humor as possible. Both online and in person. With strangers and among your circle of friends. Inhabit the beauty that lives in your  body and strive to see the beauty in all the other beasts. Walk without a stick into the darkest woods. Believe that the fairy tale is true.

JOURNAL/LOVE: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TRULY LOVED?...I HAVE

Have You Ever Been Truly Loved?

Think about it.  What would that look like?  What would another have to do–what lengths would another have to go through–to let you know that you are deeply loved, cherished, adored, understood; that you are real and irreplaceable, and that there’s no way the other person is going to walk out on you, turn their back on you, leave you,  except through death? (Or except if you do something hideous and unprovoked.)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Someone asked me the other day if I’ve ever been in love.

And I replied, when I was much younger; maybe when I was 24 and her name was Joanne. I remember telling her

 "I know a lot about love. I've seen it. It was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars; pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But to see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say,  is... I think I love you. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."


Have I ever loved deeply?

And yes I have. I have loved very deeply. To me, love is a verb, a choice, a decision, an activity of the soul, not just the heart; it’s an expression of who we are and have become as a person. It’s so much more than a feeling that another elicits in us; it’s an expression of our depths and the level of inner development and awareness we have reached. And so, yes, I have loved another person very deeply—I let someone else very deep into my heart and soul and mind, I exposed myself, I allowed myself to be vulnerable—very vulnerable—I allowed myself to be hurt (a few times). And I believe I “lived the questions” very well in that relationship (much longer than most people would). I believe I went the extra mile two or three or four or five times for her—and these were some of the toughest miles I’ve ever had to go—I was bruised and battered and heartbroken.

But what other choice was there to make? There was enough of a connection and a spark initially, and so I leapt, I took the leap—I rowed, rowed for the falls. There really is no other choice to make if one really is going to take this “living the questions” stuff seriously!—

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ― C.S. Lewis, “The Four Loves”

What other choice do we as human beings have? Save ourselves? For what? Life is short, and no one gets out of here alive. So either we get busy loving or we get busy shriveling up and dying.

And so have I ever been deeply loved? Have any of us?

I know I haven’t. I’ve been tried on, used, betrayed, discarded, but never deeply loved or understood or cherished—it’s all been very temporary and flimsy. And that is not an exercise in self-pity; this just is what it is; this is just reality. And I haven’t lost hope/faith by any means.   The search goes on. . . .

“Late Fragment” – Raymond Carver

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

THOUGHTS: WORDS FROM MY MOM

I was listening to words that touched my heart and have forever stayed in my head. This is what my mom said, repeatedly: “We have parents and friends who are always there for us and help us make some of the most important decisions in our lives. Like where to go to college, what house to buy, teaching us about manners, and how to become a respectable person. But when it comes to the one single most important decision we will ever make, choosing a significant other, most of us are on our own.”

Those words never left me through all my years of dating as I realized I really was alone and that my parents, sister, and closest friends were not sitting by my side to guide me or even pull me in the other direction when it came to love. There is so much truth in those words that I believe this is another reason we feel so alone when we are singe. It is really all up to us.

You know, I always thought I would find the perfect woman who met ALL the criteria on my list of “THE PERFECT woman.’ Yeah, it never happened and as I got older and dated more, I realized that it was not about settling when it comes to dating, but about “Does this woman meet most of the important criteria on my list of the woman I want to make a life with?” 

THOUGHTS/COMMITMENT: I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND RELATIONSHIP

I’ve only had good self-esteem for almost one year now ...since my divorce. The difference between me now and back then is that I believe I’m a person of value, that’s worthwhile and worthy of being treated decently and I have enough confidence in myself that I will do whatever it takes to behave in line with that value and steer clear of anything or anyone that detracts from me.That’s the very basics of self-esteem.

All I have to do is look at a ‘relationship resume’ that reads like a series of bad romances on fast forward as a reminder of what happens when you bowl around looking for love in the wrong places trying to make people create feelings in you that you should be creating for yourself.

When you have low self-esteem, when you follow the path of your choices and actions and your thinking and beliefs behind it and get right down to the starting point, it likely says ‘I don’t believe I’m good enough’.

In feeling this way, you just can’t believe that you’re a person of value, that you’re worthy of a better relationship, that you deserve to have your boundaries respected or to be able to vocalise your concerns or opinions. You’ll be cautious of people that don’t have similar outlooks and if you get involved with them you may think they’re ‘too nice’ or even privately wonder why the hell they’re making a ‘bad’ investment in you.

You’ll find any and all reasons to take a parachute and jump or sabotage when things are going well. You won’t be convinced that a valuable person and a valuable relationship would want to have you in it. You’ll take refuge in a limited relationship and then focus on their problems.

When you don’t have good self-esteem it’s because in having conditional love for yourself, you try to get people (and sometimes objects and substances) to create feelings in you that you don’t feel yourself. You make external sources the solution to your internal problems, after all, if you don’t like and love you, why would you believe that you could entrust yourself with the responsibility of you?

If the only thing you’ve ever known is to not feel good enough, it’s hard to imagine even an entire day where you can genuinely like and love you. You’d be subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You’re seeing other people’s actions (or lack there of) and your experiences as being directly linked to your worth.

Even if you haven’t specifically done anything to bring about something, at some point you’ve taught yourself that ‘this’ wouldn’t happen to a ‘better’ person. Much of your emotional schooling happens in childhood and if how you’re treated by your parents (or people of authority) and your emotional interactions didn’t communicate that you’re a person of value and worthwhile, that’s the lens that you’ll use to navigate and view the world. You won’t handle rejection very well and you’ll shoot down some of your capabilities or overcompensate in areas such as intelligence, looks, or even sex.

Low self-esteem is like a special language and in your mental translation book, when you look up what certain things mean, you keep getting back the same meaning:

Parents didn’t stay together = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Not interested in me = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Didn’t get the job = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Won’t leave their partner = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Parent(s) were/are abusers = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Won’t change into the person I want = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Wants to do things differently to me = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Won’t develop empathy = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Does something that annoys me (and possibly others) = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Relationship didn’t work out = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Emotionally unavailable and have always been emotionally unavailable = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Can only get it up to porn = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Has different values = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Won’t make me the exception to their rule of behaviour = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

You get the idea.

And maybe that’s the crux of the matter: When you have low self-esteem, you see your experiences and the world around you as an extension of how you feel about you. People do what they do, not because they’re independent individual entities, but because of something in you that brings about their actions and thinking, and life happens, shit happens even, not because there are a gazillion other reasons or factors that could have brought it about, but because of something in you.

I’m fundamentally the same person and while I have good self-esteem, I still have to actively work on managing the little boy within me...that is why i have a picture of me when I am a little boy. My taste in relationships has obviously dramatically changed, but most of the factors that contributed to how I saw myself still exist and have changed very little – I’ve just dramatically lessened the impact and importance of them.

Like forgiveness, self-esteem isn’t something that has to wait until you’re done with processing all the anger, hurt, frustration, disappointment, pain, sorrow, shame, blame, the who, what, where’s and how’s, and the whole kit and kaboodle. If I’d waited until I never gave my past or my parents a thought and the pain had dried up and everyone spontaneously combusted into doing the ‘right thing’ and automatically knowing my value, I’d still be single and careering around on the unavailable motorway of life and probably would be for the rest of my days.

Take off the lens that says you’re not good enough – you’ll discover a whole new world with new possibilities with you in them.

LOVE: WHEN YOUR FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU

People want to be liked. We all crave attention and affection and we all reject shame. When we get embarrassed, we send a thug version of ourselves to the forefront to do our fighting for us. We’re at the top of the food chain just under fear. We don’t want to be in a relationship to hear the words “I love you,” we want to be in a relationship to say the words “I love you.” We want to feel needed, and exceptional and we have to feel insignificant. We want to ace a hearing test. We are binary creatures; if we’re the plaintiff, we want to win every dollar. If we’re the defendant, we want to guard every penny. We want to make more money than last year. We don’t want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We go out on weekends to try to have fun. We’re desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard wasn’t all that into us change their minds  and admit that they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes, just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don’t know exactly how to pleasure each other. We just want love. In any and every form.

Take a second out to think about this: in your life, you search and search for the right person for you. Every time you break up with someone, you get one step closer to that person. You should look at moving on as getting closer to meeting the one.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

FAN: I CHOOSE YOU

 I choose you because I think we have more in common than not.  Here me out:

I am sensitive... You even more so.
I am clean ...I believe you equally so.
I love to read...so do you.
I love sex...you equally.
I consider myself a writer...you write prolifically.

You are kind and sweet ...just like me - each in our own way.
You love movies...just like I do.
You are equally fearful as I am.
Your love for music may even match mine.
You are a helpless romantic as I am.
You are generous maybe less so than I am.
You give things that are priceless and I give it all away.
You sound sensual...maybe less so than I am.
You are domineering in a way that matches my need to be submissive.
You appear intensely sexual... and I am sexually intense.

I am intellectual enough to compliment you.
I am philosophical enough to amuse you.
I am honest enough to appreciate your level of honesty and directness.
I am health conscious enough to keep up with your health awareness.

You are educated in ways that compliments my deep appreciation of knowledge.
You are financially stable as I am financially responsible.
You are as spiritual as I feel the spirit lives insides of me.

You, my love, have more in common with me than not.
You and I may never venture beyond 100 kilometers of our home together.
But, you and I will travel together in times of Dorian Gray on a Sunday morning in bed.
You and I will dream together lovely stories and who knows write one as a single voice someday.

So you see why I choose you

LOVE: FEMININITY IS IRRESISTIBLE

Every man either has a friend or knows somebody who got an entitled princess girlfriend and then turned into an average frustrated chump who does everything she asks him to do and she still treats him like dirt, spends all his money, makes unreasonable demands on his time, and when it isn’t enough she gives him no physical attention whatsoever. And the friend will insist that he has to stay with her because he has no other options. No sane man wants this to happen to him or be seen as weak and controllable, so that’s another reason that men tend to be resistant to giving women what they say they want (because what women say they want, and what they actually want, are very often two quite different and mutually exclusive things).

Some of this attitude stems from male polyamory. Men want sex all the time from most women. But men know that most women find only a few men even remotely attractive. Men also know that the “alpha male” who most women want comprises a small percentage of the male population. So most men are considered beta and totally invisible to most women. Men know that all of this severely limits their options. Add to this their 5-10% approach success rate (i.e. 90 to 95% of approaches result in flat out rejection) and their options constrict even more.

A man knows his woman is hypergamous and in many cases she will have no compunction about straying if she perceives her man as lower value than another interested prospect. A man could treat such a woman as a queen/princess, and he still runs the risk of her cheating/cuckolding. So in a defensive measure, the man will do what he thinks will shore up his power (refuse to invest, date casually, neg, be aloof) and thus deny her what she wants or what she thinks she is entitled to (undivided attention, being lavished with gifts and perks all while doling out sex when she feels like it). Then the woman won’t feel quite so secure about walking all over him because she knows if she does, he’ll walk and find another more agreeable woman. And if this happens enough times to her, it’s off the carousel and to Feline City.

 It’s hard for men to realize that everything their ignorant, feminist parents and others taught them about how the world works apparently doesn’t work at all in romantic male/female relationships, and it’s not like any major media is out there promoting the red pill truth, anyway.

(It IS kind of ironic, though, that women who will complain incessantly that “I Just want a Nice Guy who will Treat Me Right” will never actually be happy when several such men in perfect succession fall into their laps. And they’re not happy because they are beta providers, not alpha males.)

I can hear the cries rising up from the “I am woman, hear me roar” contingent already, so let me be clear that YES, a lot of this modern male attitude is a response to feminism and hypergamy and WAH WAH WAH I JUST WANT A NICE GUY WHO WILL TREAT ME RIGHT ALL YOU MALE CHAUVINIST PIGS CARE ABOUT IS SEX THEY DISRESPECT AND USE US COMMITMENTPHOBIA WAHHHHH YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT OUR MINDS CAREERS JOBS WANTS NEEDS DESIRES ORGASM PUMP & DUMP INSENSITIVE UNCARING EMOTIONAL RETARDS WAHHHHHHH. But at the same time, men instinctively don’t want to dish out investment, money, time, commitment and marriage to women who act like sluts, behave like entitled princesses, spend them into bankruptcy, and who will simply leave them when they think something better has come along or because “I’m bored” — all while expecting us to wait for the sloppy seconds until after they’ve had their fun on the carousel. Sorry, Princess Paula. And sorry, Slutty Samantha. And sorry, Career Girl Carrie. And sorry, Blingy Brenda. A lot of times men see women as overgrown children who seem barely able to take care of themselves. They live in fantasy worlds created by themselves and their BFFs. They think getting married is equivalent to being married all while treating their men like dirt and always on the lookout to trade him in. They would rather spend $1000 on a Louis Vuitton handbag than give their man an encouraging word or a simple, heartfelt “I love you” at the end of a long day at work. And men think to themselves, “I’m working a full-time job and still living respectably, but I’m supposed to tell this girl how wonderful she is and drop $200 on her at Chez Paul?!?

So what is the solution? Demonstrating attractive female characteristics like  femininity, pleasantness, pleasing physical appearance and cheerfulness is the best way to go, especially if done with confidence and good humor. Femininity is irresistible, so show some femininity and men will gladly open their hearts, homes and checkbooks. (If they don’t, you might have wildly unrealistic expectations. Best to get a reality check in that case.)

THOUGHTS: I AM A ALPHA MALE

Men, especially if white and educated, get the majority of perks in the world. They get the best jobs. They occupy the top of pretty much every occupational field, fields of women’s interests included (fashion, beauty, cooking, media). They make the most money. They’re more implicitly trusted in matters of business. They get to have sex with tons of people and receive very little judgment for it. They get to marry women young enough to be their daughters and have kids at age 70. They get to be funny, outrageous, outspoken, and wild, and people just chuckle affectionately.

That describes alpha men, who comprise less than 1 to 3 percent of men in North America. Betas comprise 80% of American men.

I’m a man. I’m white, and I’m educated. I have a good job and high earning power. I have no arrest or criminal record. I came from a good family, my dad is retired doctor ..my mom a retired nurse and I have two sister who are doctor.I have my own home...nice car, attractive and in great health.

I’m a brick in the foundation of that power structure describing above. If  I’m a super alpha, and  by today’s standards, my lifetime partner count is high...and those were the woman who i had sex with...there is equal number of woman i turn down.

Before I got married I spent a few months of my life hovering between beta and omega. Being “nice”. I got even less power and authority, and fewer perks. Most women wouldn’t even give me the time of day long enough to say LJBF. In return for my “nice” behavior, I was more miserable, more alone, and more confused and frustrated.

When you look at all these profile you see hordes of unmarried professional women who thought they could put off marriage and families until their 30s, having devoted their 20s to education, establishing careers and playing the field.'I'm horrified by the number of gorgeous, independent and successful women my age who can't meet a decent man", but it's all their fault. They have this impression that they can have it all. They can have the career, travel the world...have this carefree lifestyle and then, at the snap of their fingers, because they are so fabulous, find a man. but they don't realize they have to  competing with women who are much younger and in various ways more attractive. ''They've swallowed the L'Oreal line: 'Because you're worth it!' There's a real sense of entitlement.''

Woman are determined to meet only men who are tall, attractive, wealthy and well educated. They want the alpha males. and during their 20s and early 30s, women compete for the most highly desirable men, the Mr Bigs. Many will readily share a bed with the sporty, attractive, confident men, and that is fine.

I am a alpha male.. and let me tell you from experience...most attractive, successful men can take their pick from women their own age or younger women who are happy to settle early. I did already..even thought it end up in divorse. My wife was attractive, young resident when I met her,...BUT she didn't have heart...she didn't care about me....and i won't make that mistake again

LOVE: SHOW ME A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND I'LL SHOW YOU A MAN WHO'S TIRED OF HER SHIT

Women all want the best men for themselves, but women know that those men have options and in many cases have no compunction about straying. A woman could treat such a man as a king, and she still runs the risk of his cheating. So in a defensive measure, the woman will do what she thinks will earn her greater respect and shore up her power, which is to deny the man what he wants or thinks he is entitled to. Then the man won’t feel quite so secure about walking all over her, because now he knows there is a price to pay.”

Lol. Among all the chaff at least you gave us the real reason. And as always, the mistake stems from insecurity. You want the guy with options but you want him to stick to your unique little special self and oh-please-don’t-leave-and-hurt-my-feelings! Behind the whole game, when you pull back the curtain you find that women have an intuitive sense that they’re not really all that special or unique and that looks is what gets them by with men. So instead of playing the game (which of course they expect and demand of men to do, often for their amusement) you preemptively self-sabotage. There is no man in the world who is going to be fooled into thinking that you’re worth more because you’re playing hard to get. Men know what you’re worth by looking at you, and as the saying goes, show me beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of banging her, so even that is not a guarantee of anything. Women want the alpha to be in love with them forever-and-ever-and-ever, while the beta who really is has to watch from the sidelines. If I indulged fantasies of being the ultimate man for Monica Bellucci I might have some sympathy, but at some point you just have to come back down to Earth.

LOVE: WOMAN'S EGO VS MEN 'S EGO

Can we talk about the female ego for a moment? Between the two (or whatever) genders which of the two has been raised to expect the other to purchase things for them, Often within mere moments of meeting them? that they shouldn’t have to shell out a dime for any encounter? (or at the very least not for the first few, anyway) Which of the two has been told that they are **entitled** to assistance from the other with any menial task, especially if that task involves heavy lifting or tools.

Which of the two (if they were born within the last three decades or so) has been raised with the notion that they are entitled to be treated like royalty? Which of them has absorbed messages that stop just short of outright deification (“reveal the Goddess in YOU”)

Fact is: It’s women who have the ego problem. Women are the ones who are constantly fishing for compliments, who can’t handle rejection (seriously, turn a woman down for sex once and watch how fast she jumps to “What’s the matter, don’t you find me attractive anymore? Are you GAY??”)

And if you want to talk about “manchildren” let us also spoeak of the many, many women who expect to be taken care of by their men. It needn’t even be a husband either, a boyfriend (or hell, an acquaintance if he’s delusional and beta enough) can just as easily become an ATM with a pulse.

Frankly, most guys I know today don’t expect a woman to know how to cook, in fact (and granted this might just be the crowd I roll with) far more guys are better cooks than the women… however, I know of no women who do not (possibly subconsciously) expect the men in their lives to be able to fix an automotive problem, a stopped up sink, hang a shelf, or help with moving furniture.

LOVE: WAS IT WORTH IT...WAITING FOR THE ALPHA WHO NEVER WANTED YOU

In light of the incalculable damage feminism has done, in light of our society being on the brink of irretrievable and total collapse, I think women need to ask themselves, individually and collectively:

Was it worth it? Was the cock carousel worth it? The sex, the occasional orgasms, the attention and validation, the rush, the feelings?The drunk dancing on tables, the hangovers, the feelings of immediate regret, the knowledge that you’ve just been used as a semen receptacle (for the 14th time)?Was it worth it? The ridiculous thoughts to yourself that, no, THIS TIME it will be different. This time I won’t get f**ked over. This time I will get what I want. This time I will save it for a good man, a kind man, the right man — who never shows up.

Did you get what you wanted?Did the hot man, the rich man, the sexy man, the alpha, marry you? Did he give you the brass ring of commitment? Did he pledge his life to you? DId he promise to stay around for longer than just until he’s tired of f**king you and putting up with your bulls**t? Or did you fall (again) for the player’s smooth line that “hey, I think it’s great that a woman like you can have sex with who she wants. That’s only fair. It’s a man’s world, and you should get to partake in it just like we do.”

You get out of his bed. You’ve got to get to work this morning. You try to find your panties and put your miniskirt and 4 inch heels on to walk to your car and get an Egg McMuffin and some coffee. You add another notch to your lipstick case (one you’ll have to come clean about someday to your therapist or drug counselor or ER doctor, if not your husband). He says “I had a great time. Let’s do it again. There’s some coffee downstairs. Help yourself. I’ve got a lot of things to do today so I need to get going. Sorry I can’t have you stay longer.” You reply weakly: “It’s OK. Call me, OK?” “Sure. You bet I will.”

Tell me: does it occur to you that you did it again? Does it occur to you that you’ve f**ked up yet again? Are you getting it yet that the guy who blasted another load on your chest or in your hair last night has no intention of returning the texts you send him, unless it involves an encore performance? Does it dawn on you that maybe what you’re doing isn’t working and maybe you need to try something else? Does it dawn on you that the only things you really got out of last night were a couple of bottles of beer and bragging rights?

It’s 6:45 am on a Sunday morning. You stumble through yet another Walk of Shame across the quad back to your apartment, with your hair and clothes reeking of Aqua Net and stale cigarettes and Old Style and semen. You pray to God above that you don’t see any of your friends. He smiles on you and today, you are spared the agony of your good friends observing you in all your disheveled, deflowered ignominy. But you see mirror images. You pass by other girls in miniskirts and heels, some of whom lost their bras last night and couldn’t find them. You see other men on their way home, some of whom are hungover, some of whom have little smiles on their faces. You exchange knowing glances with both the men and the women, some of whom you kind of know, others you don’t — but the looks are the same.

“I know what you did last night”. “I know WHO you did last night.” “That sex sucked. But he was hot.” “I’m never doing this again.” So as you get home, exhale a breath, disrobe and try to wash the stench from the oddly arousing yet horribly convicting things you did and you allowed another human being to do to you, on you and in you, do you ask: Is this worth it?I don't know if older women have been responsible about telling younger women that their youth, beauty, and fertility are not going to survive their twenties. 

LOVE: MAYBE i AM MEANT TO BE ALONE

I believe most people have said, “I’m meant to be alone,” at some point in their life.The sinking feeling you get when you “are” alone and feel disconnected; that moment where you feel something is irrevocably wrong with you and you just don’t play well in the sandbox with others.

Maybe you believe no one is compatible with you? Doomed.Those moments bring a sense of profoundness in their depth of emotion. Whether the emotion is anger, frustration, sadness or nostalgia…. its very strongly felt. Some feel this way all the time. It doesn’t matter where, in a room full of people or alone; it’s that feeling of separation or difference and not being able to overcome oneself and be vulnerable.

Seems we physiologically were born to be connected and belong. So if our wiring is set up this way, why the doubt or feeling of “loner-ville?”We get caught in this cycle by talking ourselves into it and then we’re afraid to give someone a chance, because we were hurt in the past. Kind of a crappy way to go through life, don’t ya think? I know how I can be—when I got divorce..i was really lonely and depressed. Being alone at times is a good thing; we can get clear, spend time doing what we want or need, etc. Too much of it though and we start building walls against the rest of humanity. I used to find myself having a very difficult time, if I had no choice to be around others and wasn’t in the mood. I’d feel pressure to run away, needing to find my dark corner, so I could gather me up, put my pieces back together and calm my thoughts.I don’t find this happens too often anymore, I prefer being around others, because it energizes me. Laughter is more enjoyable when shared with others.

It took a huge effort to believe I wasn’t meant to be alone. There are still days I wonder. When I look at my past relationships, I believe I sabotaged any hope of my love life ending up in a long-term commitment. Was I trying to end up alone, because of my choices? Was I just re-creating my childhood dynamics, which included my belief that I was alone? Unworthy? There are so many ways we hurt ourselves, because we believe it’s all we deserve deep in our beliefs.

It always goes back to trusting ourselves to “handle hurt.” We are afraid of our own pain, our ability to deal with our emotions, if someone disappoints us.You see “meant to be alone,” is a choice. Just like choosing creamer for your coffee. When you’re open-hearted, love is there. My match is out there. I just have to wade through a sea of jellyfish when you’re looking for the “star” fish.

I am a healthy, attractive, smart, and kind man. Perhaps, if I find LOVE? ah, thats very interesting. HOW do you really know its LOVE? And please dont give me that usual line "you will know when it happens to you"...to meet another person, you need to have a something that attracts NOT just on the physical level, but on the intellectual too. Pretty faces are a dime a dozen. A stimulated mind, or even a kind heart with a pretty face, now thats a rarity.

I consider myself a nice person. I gravitate to nice people because they're nice and we can be nice together. Working together and being compassionate together really makes life a helluva lot easier.