I wouldn't meet anyone who think I am just ordinary, because I am not. True love, the deepest love, comes in the form of treating the one love like they're infinitely spectacular because you believe, or rather you know they are infinitely spectacular, without question. When someone loves you — really loves you — you stop being ordinary, especially to them.
There has never been me before and when I am gone from this life, there will never be another me again
Dating is probably the most fraught human interaction there is. You're sizing people up to see if they're worth your time and attention, and they're doing the same to you. We submit ourselves to these intimate inspections and simultaneously inflict them on others and try to keep our psyches intact - to keep from becoming cold and callous - and we hope that at the end of it we wind up happier than our grandparents, who didn't spend this vast period of their lives, these prime years, so thoroughly alone, coldly and explicitly anatomized again and again
I'm terrified of getting involved with someone who disappoints me or leaves me empty and alone. I'm terrified of rejection, so I set my expectations so high that they can never be met, and I dig around with a magnifying glass looking for flaws in very person I date. There's always a flaw to exploit, and I'll find it so I never have to get too close
To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.
Friday, September 8, 2017
JOURNAL: REMEMBERING MY FIRST LOVE
I remember the first time I fell in love. I held her hand in mine with not an interest to let go. I floated along lighter than I've ever felt. I kissed her hand as if she were my princess. There was a heart full of love and it was all for her. Every flower, every song, every cloud, every sunshine, every raindrop was a gift from heaven. For this angel had come to take my love. For the first time I felt love...
I would tell her all the time...."sometimes I have the strangest feeling about you. Especially when you are near me as you are now. It feels as though I had a string tied here under my left rib where my heart is, tightly knotted to you in a similar fashion. And when you go to with all that distance between us, I am afraid that this cord will be snapped, and I shall bleed inward " and she would laugh. I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you
To me, she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that I could not understand why no one was as disturbed as I was by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. I did not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character
I would tell her all the time...."sometimes I have the strangest feeling about you. Especially when you are near me as you are now. It feels as though I had a string tied here under my left rib where my heart is, tightly knotted to you in a similar fashion. And when you go to with all that distance between us, I am afraid that this cord will be snapped, and I shall bleed inward " and she would laugh. I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you
To me, she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that I could not understand why no one was as disturbed as I was by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. I did not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character
DATING; WHEN YOU HAVE SEX....YOU MAKE A PROMISE
You have soul ties with the people you sleep with and even when you are no longer in bed with them, they remain in your head. Your thoughts are consumed by their absence in your life. We feel disconnected from something when we give away our most prized bodily asset to a person that can’t even spell our last name correctly. Sex is a commitment. You are gifting another human being with access to the deepest part of yourself; you are sharing with them a bit of your soul. You are forging a connection that can never be undone--no matter how much you may want to undo it after the fact.
DATING: THE TRUTH ABOUT MEN AND DATING SUBCONSCIOUSLY
Males of all species are made for wooing females, and females typically choose among their suitors. If you take a closer look, you can observe such behavior all around you. The beautiful bird chirping outside your window. It’s a mating call. That pretty little bird is trying to attract a potential mate, so that it can propagate its genes. Why does the peacock have such beautiful feathers? It is to attract a healthy female. He as well is trying to propagate his genes. Even we humans, are not much different from the rest of the animal kingdom when it comes to attracting potential mates. When women dress up for their night out at the club, they are doing so to look attractive. This is a subconscious evolutionary desire to attract as many potential mates as possible.... While women tend to grab attention with their looks, men on the other hand, tend to attract as many potential females as possible, by showing off their resources. When a man shows off with his fancy car, expensive gold watch and suit, or flexes his muscles and brags about how many credit cards he owns, he’s doing so to make himself desirable by healthy women, in order to propagate his genes. It is all in the pursuit of reproduction
There are only 24 hours in a day. The average man has to sleep about 8 hours. And work for 8 hours. That leaves 8 hours to run some errands, drive to and from work, eat, and have some spare time. And in that little bit of spare time, a man has to figure out how to get the one thing he likes more than anything else: sex.
So when a man has to choose whether or not he will hang out with a female and spend any time, money or attention on her, the question of whether the resources he spent will result in sex plays a very big factor. If your male "friend" chooses to spend his time and money on you, it's because he thinks there is a chance it might pay off in sex at some point. If he hangs out with you instead of with some other female, it's because he thinks you are his best bet to getting sex.
The more likely there will be sex, the more willing he is to spend his little bit of free time with you. If he thinks his chances of having sex are higher with a different female, he will spent more time, money and attention on her. That's just common sense, and using his limited resources wisely
Men pretend to be “just a friend” at first, even though they want to sleep with you from day one. Otherwise they wouldn't be spending any time, money or attention on you, because these are limited resources and they need these resources to attract a mate. They can't afford to squander them. So they apply these resources to the female that looks to be their best bet to get laid. But they also know that they can't tell the woman on day one that they want to sleep with her, because she'd think it's creepy. So they play along with the illusion that it's “just a friendship” that “suddenly” developed into more, when the woman finally feels inclined to sleep with the guy “because they have a deep connection.” But that was really his goal from day one.
There are only 24 hours in a day. The average man has to sleep about 8 hours. And work for 8 hours. That leaves 8 hours to run some errands, drive to and from work, eat, and have some spare time. And in that little bit of spare time, a man has to figure out how to get the one thing he likes more than anything else: sex.
So when a man has to choose whether or not he will hang out with a female and spend any time, money or attention on her, the question of whether the resources he spent will result in sex plays a very big factor. If your male "friend" chooses to spend his time and money on you, it's because he thinks there is a chance it might pay off in sex at some point. If he hangs out with you instead of with some other female, it's because he thinks you are his best bet to getting sex.
The more likely there will be sex, the more willing he is to spend his little bit of free time with you. If he thinks his chances of having sex are higher with a different female, he will spent more time, money and attention on her. That's just common sense, and using his limited resources wisely
Men pretend to be “just a friend” at first, even though they want to sleep with you from day one. Otherwise they wouldn't be spending any time, money or attention on you, because these are limited resources and they need these resources to attract a mate. They can't afford to squander them. So they apply these resources to the female that looks to be their best bet to get laid. But they also know that they can't tell the woman on day one that they want to sleep with her, because she'd think it's creepy. So they play along with the illusion that it's “just a friendship” that “suddenly” developed into more, when the woman finally feels inclined to sleep with the guy “because they have a deep connection.” But that was really his goal from day one.
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
THOUGHTS: YOU SEE A LOT OF SMART GUYS WITH DUMB WOMAN, BUT YOU HARDLY EVER SEE SMART WOMAN WITH A DUMB GUY
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see smart women with a dumb guy.
When he looked into her eyes, he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke — the language that everyone on Earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. Because when you know the language, it’s easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it’s in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one’s dreams would have no meaning.
I’m not going to deny that I was aware of your beauty. But the point is, this has nothing to do with your beauty. As I got to know you, I began to realise that beauty was the least of your qualities. I became fascinated by your goodness. I was drawn in by it. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. And it was only when I began to feel actual, physical pain every time you left the room that it finally dawned on me: I was in love, for the first time in my life. I knew it was hopeless, but that didn’t matter to me. And it’s not that I want to have you. All I want is to deserve you
I will not fall in love with your bones or skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary
When he looked into her eyes, he learned the most important part of the language that all the world spoke — the language that everyone on Earth was capable of understanding in their heart. It was love. Something older than humanity, more ancient than the desert. Because when you know the language, it’s easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it’s in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one’s dreams would have no meaning.
I’m not going to deny that I was aware of your beauty. But the point is, this has nothing to do with your beauty. As I got to know you, I began to realise that beauty was the least of your qualities. I became fascinated by your goodness. I was drawn in by it. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. And it was only when I began to feel actual, physical pain every time you left the room that it finally dawned on me: I was in love, for the first time in my life. I knew it was hopeless, but that didn’t matter to me. And it’s not that I want to have you. All I want is to deserve you
I will not fall in love with your bones or skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary
Sunday, September 3, 2017
THOUGHTS; MY FINGERS THROUGH THIS SCREEN
If I could, I'd press my fingers through this screen; hold my favorite parts of you. Force lips through glass to steal a kiss. I don’t just want to take your breath away. I want to rip it from your mouth and keep it locked away between my teeth. You can only have it back if you kiss me again.You kiss me with your mouth wide open like you’re not afraid of swallowing poison. I taste the good and bad in you and want them both. We call this bravery.You kiss me and there aren’t sparks. There’s an entire orchestra in my chest, playing staccato on my heart strings
I am tracing the knobs of your spine like the map of my favorite continent. You are all the places that I haven't visited yet and I mark each one off with my teeth
Saturday, September 2, 2017
THOUGHTS: MAYBE THERE'S A UNIVERSE WHERE I'M THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU
People don’t like love, they like that flittery flirty feeling. They don’t love love – love is sacrificial, love is ferocious, it’s not emotive. Our culture doesn’t love love, it loves the idea of love. It wants the emotion without paying anything for it. It’s ridiculous.
I don’t think woman love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. Who’s going to love the guy that is so sexual? The guy who like consistence? The guy who likes control?Who’s going to love the monster in me, who’s going to love me now?
I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t. Some people will never ‘get you’. Do not spend eternity asking why. People will see you differently, just cherish those who lift your soul.
Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we’re happy without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we’re comfortable and sure. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.
To me, ,,,two people who were once very close can without blame or grand betrayal become strangers. Perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world.
I don’t think woman love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. Who’s going to love the guy that is so sexual? The guy who like consistence? The guy who likes control?Who’s going to love the monster in me, who’s going to love me now?
I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t. Some people will never ‘get you’. Do not spend eternity asking why. People will see you differently, just cherish those who lift your soul.
Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we’re happy without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we’re comfortable and sure. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.
To me, ,,,two people who were once very close can without blame or grand betrayal become strangers. Perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world.
Friday, September 1, 2017
JOURNAL: YOU CAN'T BE FRIEND WITH PEOPLE YOU SLEEP WITH
There are certain things about myself that I’ve had to come to grips with when it comes to relationships.While I can get down with some coitus, I tend to lean pretty heavily toward monogamy;
I have never understood people who can be friends with their exes. Every time a relationship ends, I go scorched earth. I put them in my phone as “DO NOT ANSWER.” I delete everything. You want a lesson in erasing history? Email me
It’s not for lack of trying. Some of my past ex, wanted to be friends once we put the final nail in the coffin that was holding our failed relationship. And I tried. Honestly, I did. We even met for dinner and attempted to exchange pleasantries over tacos. But the conversation eventually turned to the issues in our relationship
I have a hard time letting go. One of my biggest downfalls is my intense desire to make other people happy and to fix things. So I tend to hang on to relationships far beyond their expiration point. Every time a relationship ends, I go scorched earth.
This tendency to hang onto failing relationships is, as far as I can tell, the biggest reason why I have a hard time transitioning into friendship post-breakup — and knowing when to cut ties is definitely something I’ve been working on. When I was younger, I held on because I didn’t want to be alone. But now that I no longer fear my single status the way I fear grim death, letting go has become easier.
That said, I’m not shifting the blame entirely on myself — when someone treats you as poorly as some of my exes have, you don’t owe them friendship. I’m just acknowledging my role in the dynamic so that I can hopefully learn from these situations and grow. And who knows? Maybe if I had exited these relationships sooner, I still wouldn’t have wanted to be friends with these people.
If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t think being friends with an ex will ever work for me. I know that lots of people are able to do this, and it sounds really great. But I just can’t get comfortable with the idea of being 100% friends with someone who’s I been have been inside of(that’s an honor literally none of my other friends hold). My friendships are very different from my romantic relationships; they come with less emotional baggage and have a strong foundation of trust and mutual respect (also there’s the part about not having to be inside of them).
So, for the time being, once the dust from a breakup settles, you’ll find me sitting in bed watching movies and eating I’ve found that it’s the best way for me to cope with the trauma of breakups. Perhaps one day I’ll meet someone I’m willing to maintain a friendship with.
I have never understood people who can be friends with their exes. Every time a relationship ends, I go scorched earth. I put them in my phone as “DO NOT ANSWER.” I delete everything. You want a lesson in erasing history? Email me
It’s not for lack of trying. Some of my past ex, wanted to be friends once we put the final nail in the coffin that was holding our failed relationship. And I tried. Honestly, I did. We even met for dinner and attempted to exchange pleasantries over tacos. But the conversation eventually turned to the issues in our relationship
I have a hard time letting go. One of my biggest downfalls is my intense desire to make other people happy and to fix things. So I tend to hang on to relationships far beyond their expiration point. Every time a relationship ends, I go scorched earth.
This tendency to hang onto failing relationships is, as far as I can tell, the biggest reason why I have a hard time transitioning into friendship post-breakup — and knowing when to cut ties is definitely something I’ve been working on. When I was younger, I held on because I didn’t want to be alone. But now that I no longer fear my single status the way I fear grim death, letting go has become easier.
That said, I’m not shifting the blame entirely on myself — when someone treats you as poorly as some of my exes have, you don’t owe them friendship. I’m just acknowledging my role in the dynamic so that I can hopefully learn from these situations and grow. And who knows? Maybe if I had exited these relationships sooner, I still wouldn’t have wanted to be friends with these people.
If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t think being friends with an ex will ever work for me. I know that lots of people are able to do this, and it sounds really great. But I just can’t get comfortable with the idea of being 100% friends with someone who’s I been have been inside of(that’s an honor literally none of my other friends hold). My friendships are very different from my romantic relationships; they come with less emotional baggage and have a strong foundation of trust and mutual respect (also there’s the part about not having to be inside of them).
So, for the time being, once the dust from a breakup settles, you’ll find me sitting in bed watching movies and eating I’ve found that it’s the best way for me to cope with the trauma of breakups. Perhaps one day I’ll meet someone I’m willing to maintain a friendship with.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
DATING: DON'T
Don’t hang out with me if you’re going to end up leaving in the end
Don’t come to my bedroom and then leave me there
Don’t compliment me if you’re using the same lines on dozens of other guys
Don’t text me for all day and then ignore me forever
Don’t make me fall for you if you’re going to call me OCPD as soon as I get attached to you.
Don’t kiss me if you’re going to leave me wanting more
Don’t act like you really like me and then leave my life
Don’t make promises to me that you’re never going to follow through on.
Don’t tell me how much you love me and then leave.
Don’t act like you want me to be your boyfriend if you’re planning on sleeping with me and then leaving.
Don’t lothing you’ve ever seen when you think we’re better off as friends.
Don’t lead me on and then let me know that you’re already in a relationship with someone else.
Don’t tell me that I mean something to you when I’m clearly not one of your priorities.
Don’t make me trust you and then break my heart.
Don’t tell me that you love me if you don’t understand what the word actually means.
Don’t come to my bedroom and then leave me there
Don’t compliment me if you’re using the same lines on dozens of other guys
Don’t text me for all day and then ignore me forever
Don’t make me fall for you if you’re going to call me OCPD as soon as I get attached to you.
Don’t kiss me if you’re going to leave me wanting more
Don’t act like you really like me and then leave my life
Don’t make promises to me that you’re never going to follow through on.
Don’t tell me how much you love me and then leave.
Don’t act like you want me to be your boyfriend if you’re planning on sleeping with me and then leaving.
Don’t lothing you’ve ever seen when you think we’re better off as friends.
Don’t lead me on and then let me know that you’re already in a relationship with someone else.
Don’t tell me that I mean something to you when I’m clearly not one of your priorities.
Don’t make me trust you and then break my heart.
Don’t tell me that you love me if you don’t understand what the word actually means.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
JOURNAL: BREAKING DOWN MY WALLS
There was always a problem with every relationship: The girl couldn't commit; she has problem with having a stable job, she was trying to "find herself"; not giving enough, not sexual enough—the list went on and on. Obviously, I was picking the "wrong" people, whether or not I was conscious of it. I remember endlessly complaining about dating to my friends.
Of course, the problem was not with the woman—it was with me and my beliefs about relationships. It wasn’t until I realized this that I could begin examining these thoughts and how they were holding me back.
If I was "myself" around a girl I liked, I would be rejected. My fear of rejection during my 20s was so acute that I never knew how to be my warm and engaging self around woman. Whenever I was around someone I liked, I immediately became guarded, cold, and withdrawn. It was totally unconscious. In fact, I was really friendly and open but found out from friends that the opposite is what came across in my interactions. I wanted people to see me as strong and independent. Anything to avoid seeming lonely or needy. But the truth was that I was pushing down my real self—funny, chatty, warm, somewhat neurotic (but somewhat charming) self. My fear was shutting me down. I knew I was afraid of rejection—but there was more. Was I not good enough, special enough, handsome enough, rich enough, smart enough? Deep down I knew that these worries weren’t in line with reality. I began to examine this belief and slowly started to see another possibility. What I realized was that I was attracted to people who were critical, standoffish, and uncomfortable with themselves. But when I let go of my anxiety, I started seeing attractive qualities in different kinds of people.
If I let a woman know I liked her, she would be turned off. Growing up, I’d always believed that woman liked men who were "hard to get." Bad Boys. The converse also seemed true: If I were to let a girl know I liked her, she would think I was lonely, needy, and desperate—which is often how I felt inside. In order to keep myself from revealing insecurities, I played the role of a 100-percent independent man—always busy with work and other plans. The problem was that I was so successful at playing this role that I actually came across as disinterested (I later learned). I never thought about what insecurities anyone else would have because I was so caught up in my own fears.
If I saw qualities I didn't like in someone, then it would be a deal-breaker. I couldn't seem to find anyone who didn't have a few qualities that turned me off. Some of the things I judged so harshly now sound superficial and ridiculous: I hated her glasses; her job was boring; I never laughed at her jokes; I thought her apartment was ugly. These judgments aren’t terrible in and of themselves—but I always took them to be significant, and unforgivable. I knew I was being unreasonable and even felt embarrassed about how crazy-judgmental I was about such small details. That is, until I realized why I was thinking this way. My judgments had become another unconscious tool I had devised to protect me from getting involved with someone. My negative beliefs became my invisible armor. When I eventually realized that these thoughts were trying to keep me safe from vulnerability, they became less powerful.
If I didn't meet someone who had all of the qualities I wanted, I'd be settling. I always had fantasies about the Perfect Person I wanted to meet, have a relationship with, and eventually marry. Weirdly, I always dreamed of finding someone who shared everything in common with me, thinking that the more similar we were, the better our relationship would be. I wanted to meet someone who'd grown up the same way I had, who was about the same age as I was, and who shared all of my interests. I thought this was the meaning of a compatible and long-lasting relationship. Of course, this belief limited the pool of people I could pick from; I was excluding most of the population because of fear—I was trying to keep myself safe. So in order to open myself up to a loving relationship, I had to loosen up my criteria and surprise myself with the types of people I could open up to. This enabled me to connect with my fears and start to change my thoughts.
If I let a girl know I wanted to get married and have kids within a year, she would run away. Like many people, I always (incorrectly) believed that ALLwomen were turned off by commitment. So I consistently pretended: I always presented myself as someone who just wanted a casual relationship, nothing too serious. Yet deep down, I was hoping to find someone who wanted to share their life with me and start a family. My fear of acknowledging and showing "my truth" made me live according to false desires and needs. Eventually, I realized that I was the one afraid of commitment and had to admit that to myself. Instead of exploring the scary reality of my actual desires, I made myself shut down.
I had been protecting myself from my big fears—being in a relationship, having my partner reject me, and ending up alone. So instead of risking that, I relied on my thoughts to keep me from getting involved in a relationship at all. When I finally realized that my fears would actually keep me stuck where I was—alone and fearful—I began to question my thoughts and found evidence to disprove them. I began to take risks, let my guard down, and act like the "real me" even though it was scary at times.
Of course, the problem was not with the woman—it was with me and my beliefs about relationships. It wasn’t until I realized this that I could begin examining these thoughts and how they were holding me back.
If I was "myself" around a girl I liked, I would be rejected. My fear of rejection during my 20s was so acute that I never knew how to be my warm and engaging self around woman. Whenever I was around someone I liked, I immediately became guarded, cold, and withdrawn. It was totally unconscious. In fact, I was really friendly and open but found out from friends that the opposite is what came across in my interactions. I wanted people to see me as strong and independent. Anything to avoid seeming lonely or needy. But the truth was that I was pushing down my real self—funny, chatty, warm, somewhat neurotic (but somewhat charming) self. My fear was shutting me down. I knew I was afraid of rejection—but there was more. Was I not good enough, special enough, handsome enough, rich enough, smart enough? Deep down I knew that these worries weren’t in line with reality. I began to examine this belief and slowly started to see another possibility. What I realized was that I was attracted to people who were critical, standoffish, and uncomfortable with themselves. But when I let go of my anxiety, I started seeing attractive qualities in different kinds of people.
If I let a woman know I liked her, she would be turned off. Growing up, I’d always believed that woman liked men who were "hard to get." Bad Boys. The converse also seemed true: If I were to let a girl know I liked her, she would think I was lonely, needy, and desperate—which is often how I felt inside. In order to keep myself from revealing insecurities, I played the role of a 100-percent independent man—always busy with work and other plans. The problem was that I was so successful at playing this role that I actually came across as disinterested (I later learned). I never thought about what insecurities anyone else would have because I was so caught up in my own fears.
If I saw qualities I didn't like in someone, then it would be a deal-breaker. I couldn't seem to find anyone who didn't have a few qualities that turned me off. Some of the things I judged so harshly now sound superficial and ridiculous: I hated her glasses; her job was boring; I never laughed at her jokes; I thought her apartment was ugly. These judgments aren’t terrible in and of themselves—but I always took them to be significant, and unforgivable. I knew I was being unreasonable and even felt embarrassed about how crazy-judgmental I was about such small details. That is, until I realized why I was thinking this way. My judgments had become another unconscious tool I had devised to protect me from getting involved with someone. My negative beliefs became my invisible armor. When I eventually realized that these thoughts were trying to keep me safe from vulnerability, they became less powerful.
If I didn't meet someone who had all of the qualities I wanted, I'd be settling. I always had fantasies about the Perfect Person I wanted to meet, have a relationship with, and eventually marry. Weirdly, I always dreamed of finding someone who shared everything in common with me, thinking that the more similar we were, the better our relationship would be. I wanted to meet someone who'd grown up the same way I had, who was about the same age as I was, and who shared all of my interests. I thought this was the meaning of a compatible and long-lasting relationship. Of course, this belief limited the pool of people I could pick from; I was excluding most of the population because of fear—I was trying to keep myself safe. So in order to open myself up to a loving relationship, I had to loosen up my criteria and surprise myself with the types of people I could open up to. This enabled me to connect with my fears and start to change my thoughts.
If I let a girl know I wanted to get married and have kids within a year, she would run away. Like many people, I always (incorrectly) believed that ALLwomen were turned off by commitment. So I consistently pretended: I always presented myself as someone who just wanted a casual relationship, nothing too serious. Yet deep down, I was hoping to find someone who wanted to share their life with me and start a family. My fear of acknowledging and showing "my truth" made me live according to false desires and needs. Eventually, I realized that I was the one afraid of commitment and had to admit that to myself. Instead of exploring the scary reality of my actual desires, I made myself shut down.
I had been protecting myself from my big fears—being in a relationship, having my partner reject me, and ending up alone. So instead of risking that, I relied on my thoughts to keep me from getting involved in a relationship at all. When I finally realized that my fears would actually keep me stuck where I was—alone and fearful—I began to question my thoughts and found evidence to disprove them. I began to take risks, let my guard down, and act like the "real me" even though it was scary at times.
DATING: YOU HAVE TO KEEP ON GOING EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO
In the beginning of a romantic relationship, it is all possible. We are going to be in love for ever. The sex is amazing. We talk about everything, plan our futures together and spill all our secrets. The hormones in our brains manufacture wildly and we feel like we are living on a cloud. Then before we know it… snap. The bubble bursts and there is whole lot of reality to face.
The other person snores, has bad breath, wants different things and does not agree with me all of the time. The fear of having true intimacy surfaces. What do I do now?
I could go out and find someone else and repeat. Or I could find ingenious methods of denial to immerse myself within, work all of the time, watch television or try and make sure everything is under my control at all times.
Love is offensive, dark, insane, forceful, unpredictable, lonely, powerful and painful. Love will break your heart over and over again.
My heart is broken. If someone cut open my chest, they would find a heart filled with an abundance of scar tissue. Many injuries in all different phases of healing, some fresh and some crusty-old and hardened from years of chronic damage.
Romance is not the only partnership that breaks the heart, it happens in all relationship.
Mostly just people making decisions that we do not agree with or acting in a way that we do not want them to. Sometimes it is our own fears that get triggered and we can not make clear decisions.We could hide ourselves from relationship and cut ourselves off, but human beings are never happy unless they are connected. We all want to experience love and relationship.
So what can we do? How can we protect ourselves from getting hurt?
We can’t. It is all going to hurt and we are all going to cry, scream, and rage. Then we are going to grow a tiny bit and pick up the pieces and move forward. Even if we cry every day for a year, and experience the suffocation of sorrow, the incineration of anger.
There are no guarantees and no promises that go unbroken.
It is a lesson in the impermanence of life, the wakefulness that we experience through the process of change.
Relationship is what forces us to grow the most. In partnership, we love and the act of loving is what makes us stretch ourselves bigger and tolerate more. Love makes us brave, strong and rich. It can not be controlled or mapped out. Having expectations in a relationship precludes that things will not go according to our plan.
It reminds me of fairy tales, romantic comedies and novels. Where the couple comes together at the end of the story to live happily ever after. I feel so relieved when they come together. I feel that I do not have to worry about them or about myself because they are together and happy now. I believe for a few minutes that I can rest and that it is real. Then I think, if we could fast forward a few years into the future they would probably be fighting about the kids, money problems and the dirty dishes.
Once we have had a few relationship experiences of our own we begin to understand the disillusionment of love. Romantic themes in media become far less distracting. Where are the healthy relationships models that we can learn from?
I get a thrill out of two old and wrinkled people with grey hair sitting at a table in a restaurant genuinely talking or when the come to my office. People with crooked teeth, bald heads, blemished skin holding hands on a walk.
The other person snores, has bad breath, wants different things and does not agree with me all of the time. The fear of having true intimacy surfaces. What do I do now?
I could go out and find someone else and repeat. Or I could find ingenious methods of denial to immerse myself within, work all of the time, watch television or try and make sure everything is under my control at all times.
Love is offensive, dark, insane, forceful, unpredictable, lonely, powerful and painful. Love will break your heart over and over again.
My heart is broken. If someone cut open my chest, they would find a heart filled with an abundance of scar tissue. Many injuries in all different phases of healing, some fresh and some crusty-old and hardened from years of chronic damage.
Romance is not the only partnership that breaks the heart, it happens in all relationship.
Mostly just people making decisions that we do not agree with or acting in a way that we do not want them to. Sometimes it is our own fears that get triggered and we can not make clear decisions.We could hide ourselves from relationship and cut ourselves off, but human beings are never happy unless they are connected. We all want to experience love and relationship.
So what can we do? How can we protect ourselves from getting hurt?
We can’t. It is all going to hurt and we are all going to cry, scream, and rage. Then we are going to grow a tiny bit and pick up the pieces and move forward. Even if we cry every day for a year, and experience the suffocation of sorrow, the incineration of anger.
There are no guarantees and no promises that go unbroken.
It is a lesson in the impermanence of life, the wakefulness that we experience through the process of change.
Relationship is what forces us to grow the most. In partnership, we love and the act of loving is what makes us stretch ourselves bigger and tolerate more. Love makes us brave, strong and rich. It can not be controlled or mapped out. Having expectations in a relationship precludes that things will not go according to our plan.
It reminds me of fairy tales, romantic comedies and novels. Where the couple comes together at the end of the story to live happily ever after. I feel so relieved when they come together. I feel that I do not have to worry about them or about myself because they are together and happy now. I believe for a few minutes that I can rest and that it is real. Then I think, if we could fast forward a few years into the future they would probably be fighting about the kids, money problems and the dirty dishes.
Once we have had a few relationship experiences of our own we begin to understand the disillusionment of love. Romantic themes in media become far less distracting. Where are the healthy relationships models that we can learn from?
I get a thrill out of two old and wrinkled people with grey hair sitting at a table in a restaurant genuinely talking or when the come to my office. People with crooked teeth, bald heads, blemished skin holding hands on a walk.
JOURNAL: GETTING INTO THE CORE OF WHY THE LAST RELATIONSHIP FAILED
I am trying to get to the core of my last relationship ended. So this post is not like my typical post. It more like free style writing.
OUR FIRST DATE:
In our first date after breakfast and going to bookstore, I told M the following:
-I am very boring
-I don't drink, smoke or take drug
-I am a homebody
-I am consistent
-I am very close to my family
-My goal is to meet someone and within a year get married have kids
-I am looking for someone submissive
-I only know how to love one way and that is 100%
-Love is a verb
-Looking for someone kind
-I have a certain sexual fantasy and it can stay a fantasy.
-I have a high sex drive
-I like have sex in public places and love a woman who wear a dress and no underwear
-I don't say the word LOVE unless i mean it
-I pleaded with her ...telling her please don't waste my time. DO not tell me one thing and do something else. Please be consistent
-I need someone who know how to cook
-I am giving
-I am not a bad boy
-I don't like drama and I am drama free
-I am clean and neat
-I have an addictive personality
-My ideal life is making love and doing all the other things we have to do between sessions
-The problem in relationship is not about communicating to your partner, the problem is does she listen and try to find a solution to the problem.
-I told her about relationships I had, where one girlfriend said I was too boring for her since most of the time we just stayed home.
-I told her about another past relationship where this ex girlfriend said all these thing to me: she as submissive, sexual, want to get married and settle down but her action were the total opposite.
-I told her about Nicole from last summer who wasn't there for me when my father died.
-I told her about Melissa, where she started her own business, taking care of her son, was part of a charter school and going to college to finish her BA. Our sex life was decreasing and when I brought the topic to her. She would call me selfish and that she had some much on her plate. Well I waited and waited for a few months and nothing really changed. In the end, I was so happy that I never married her....and now finally understood why so men would cheat. It is not that they weren't talking to their wives,,,their wives just don't care.
HER RESPONDS TO OUR FIRST DATE:
-I want marriage and kids soon (which now is a lie since she said she doesn't want one for while)
-I don't mind being at home. I am at home most of the time (which was lie since she was complaining that we stay home too much)
-I am kind and giving (her actions were was the total opposite
-She will buy a dress (lie...a simple dress cost like $30 which she didn't want to spend, but like to spend money on buying food all the time)
MY THOUGHTS AFTER OUR 1ST DATE:
I knew M wasn't my type. She was strong...a alpha woman. I told her that I am attracted to submissive woman and again..explained to her that two alpha will constantly fight and two betas will get nothing done. She was telling me how in most of the relationship she was always in control and was tired of it. Most of her male friend where Beta men. She told me about all the bad relationship she had except for first boyfriend and this artist guy.( One guy who was a doctor died over drug overdose, Another guy hit her. She wasted 7 years with a guy. How one guy told her to sleep with his best friends and she did.)
I told her about my fears. I told her I don't know who the real M is. She is all over the place. Is she submissive or dominate, Is she selfish or caring? Is she sexual or conservative? She had a lot of issues and drama in her life. She was telling me about her job,,,,how stressful it was and how much she liked it and it is never boring. She was working for herself. Her family drama. All she kept telling me was that once we had sex she would changed. She kept on telling me that...over and over...and eventually we did.
THE FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX:
I remember the first time we had sex. I asked her to promise me one thing ...of all the promise that was important was this one.----- To never take herself away from me, because I just don't sex with just anyone. I get really attach, and that my heart was so venerable and open since my father passed away and my problem with my ear and the break up with Nicole last year.
The sex was great. I made her cum over and over and over again. She was shocked. Once we had sex...she became more precious to me. I told her I always wanted her naked in the house...which she did. I wrote her poem...stories....love letter to her. I would find ebooks for her to read,.. showed her how to download movies online, text her all the time and call her in the evening. Listen to her complain about work, order Rx for her in the pharmacy. I would make breakfast for her every weekend. I would ask her what movies she wanted to see, Where she wanted to eat.I spend every weekend with her. She would also spend her weekend for me and text me.
I was starting to fall for her. It was during this time She said and promise the following things:
THE PROMISES:
1-She was going to cook for me and learn how to cook from a friend (that never happen)
2-She was going to cook me breakfast
3-Have sex in my back yard
4-During sex she would say. I want your baby.
5-During sex she would say....i will submit to you..I will do whatever you want.
6-She like how we spend our weekend together..in our own little bubble of making love watching movies and eating
THE WARNING SIGNS:
There were some warning sign:
-she never left anything of her stuff at my house....not even her toothbrush .I figured she had some commit issues
-never wear a dress ...her excuse she doesn't have one
-didn't cook or learn to cook
-she was going to be submissive and give in to me.
WHAT WERE THE REQUEST I WAS ASKING FOR
I requested simple things:
-take a shower with me
-Wear a dress with no underwear
-Watch a movie I like
-Going to the restaurant I want
SHE DID NOTHING EXCEPT THE FOLLOWING. She figured being naked, spending the weekend with me, texting and calling every night and spreading her leg was all she had to do.
I was patience ....she told me to be and I was.And it would take time for her to changes her ways,
Every attempt to talk about my feeling was replied with the following statement:
*Nothing I do is good enough
*If you give a inch, I want a yard
*We are not good for each other
*I should accept her for who she is
I felt guilty talking about my feeling when she said that to me.
THE "I LOVE YOU "
By the end of the second month, She said those words to me " I LOVE YOU". When she said that...I open my heart even more. I was finally able to let go of everything and stop worrying and and love her 100% .
I figured that now she loves me ...she might actually give in to me once in a whileSHE CHANGED:
When she finally had me....she changed. On the phone she starting to be rude to me, and I told and I brought it up to her attention. I was just getting tired of just say YES to her and she always said NO to me no matter what I was asking.To me that doesn't sound like someone giving in...being loving?
During the summer I also did some upgrade my house....there was one weekend I wanted to paint the basement and she told me not to do it and i didn't. What was another sign that she didn't really care about me ....she never offered to help me with the painting.
She was changing, She blew me off one night after going out with one of her friends. And one Satursday she blew me off because of her period (first time in my history someone didn't want to see me because of their period)
THE O.C.P.D PROJECTION
She then accuse me of being
From her text: "Do you have O.C.P.D? Not an emergency. Just remembered reading about this is college and seems like you."
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a mental condition in which a person has the following symptoms
-perfectionism to the point that it impairs the ability to finish tasks
-stiff, formal, or rigid mannerisms
-being extremely frugal with money
-an overwhelming need to be punctual
-extreme attention to detail
-excessive devotion to work at the expense of family or social relationships
-hoarding worn or useless items
-an inability to share or delegate work because of a fear it won’t be done right
-a fixation with lists
-a rigid adherence to rules and regulations
-an overwhelming need for order
-a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done
-a rigid adherence to moral and ethical codes
-They find it hard to express their feelings.
-They have difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships with others.
-They’re hardworking, but their obsession with perfection can make them inefficient.
-They often feel righteous, indignant, and angry.
-They often face social isolation.
-They can experience anxiety that occurs with depression.
I felt insulted and attacked. I took two test online and both said I didn't have OCPD. I did have some items on the list, but so do many ALPHA male do.
I am perfectiist but it never impair me on finishing my task
I am not frugal with my money. I spend alot of money during the summer to update my floors, the basement, oil to gas conversion, took her out to dinner, got a handy man to fix the house. ect...
I am on time
I am not a workaholic. I am off in the weekend
I am every close to my family
I am not a hoarder, I throw everything out that i don't use.
I do have morals
I don't have hard time expressing my feeling ( the blog and talking to her is an example)
I don't have difficulties maintaining relationship
I do think I am right all the time
When I look back now....M was more of OCPD than I was ...she was projection it to me.
She was the workaholic, Where in the end of our relationship she finally told me her job was the main reason she can't be with me. She need to get out the business, It might take a year to do that and show kids aren't in the picture.
She had difficulties in expressing her feeling. I never knew the amount of stress she actually had at her business because she never really went to much detail with me.
She is often isolated and stays home and once in while goes out with her friends.
She was always punctual ...in fact early all the time.
She a fixation with lists. She has a list in her i phone. I don't have a to do list at all.
She was rigid adherence to rules and regulations. I found out at the end, if i wanted her to anything like take a shower with me or watch movie I like...i would have to look into her eyes and hold her and tell her how important it was to me... WTF? that is so unnatural
She had a a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done and being neat. When I clean the dishes or the kitchen and bathroom. I wasn't always perfect. She started to clean the kitchen and bathroom her way...because the way I was doing it wasn't perfect.
She difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships with others. She wasn't close to her family or even her bother who lives in the same state with her. Except for her first boyfriend, she hasn't really maintain any close relationship with another. There is this friend she with, but personally I think she was using him for accounting stuff so she doesn't have to pay someone else to do it.
She had anxiety in bed with me. There was one time she started crying,,,because she didn't want to leave me. Here I thought she was missing me...but that wasn''t the truth. She was having an anxiety attack over her job.
BESIDE HAVING O.C.P.D. SHE MIGHT HAVE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
I personally think that beside having OCPD she was also has passive-aggressive personality disorder
Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include:
1. Resenting the demands of others
When others make requests or demands of them, passive aggressive people will often view them as unfair or unjust. Rather than express their feelings, they will bottle them up and resent the other person for making the demands. They quickly forget that they did not have to agree to the demand, or that they could have voiced their feelings at the time that the request was made.
2. Deliberate procrastination
Procrastination, the act of putting off that which needs to be done,. Rather than tell the other person that they cannot agree to their PROMISES, the passive aggressive person will delay completing the request until the very last moment, or later. This is aimed at punishing the other person for having the audacity to make the request.
3. Intentional mistakes
4. Hostile attitude
Passive aggressive people tend to immediately assume that anything they do not approve of was an intended to be a jibe at them. For example, they may assume that their boss knows that they have a full workload. When he boss makes a request of them, they assume that the has something against them and wants to put excessive pressure on them. It never crosses their mind that they could point out to their boss that they have a full schedule and he would then ask somebody else to help.
5. Complaints of injustice and lack of appreciation
Everything is viewed as an attack on them. When something doesn’t go their way, it is seen as unfair or an injustice. It’s all about how the world impacts on them.
6. Disguising criticism with compliments
At first, passive aggressive people may seem pleasant and warm. They often appear to be complimentary. It is only after they have left that you realize that the compliment was actually disguising a cheap jibe.
7. The last punch
Passive aggressive people love to throw the last punch. So much so, that even when an argument has been reconciled, they slip one last insulting remark into the conversation. This remark is often more subtle than the ones which went before but it is still an insulting remark which allows them to feel victorious.
She wasn't like this with her job, just with relationship. She was anal with work because it was he rice bowel but with relationship she was passive -aggressive.
She had indirect expression of hostility on the phone most of the time
She was procrastination,on promises she made
She was controlling. We watch what she wanted to watch, eat where she wanted to eat, do things that she anted.
She was stubbornness
She repeated failure to accomplish requested things she said she would do
She would complain about getting the short end of the stick. She couldn't see that her choices were the problem, not fate. Picking the business she is right now, Picking the bad guys in the past, Wasting 7 year with wrong guy.
THE LAST WEEKEND TOGETHER:
The last weekend we were together. We went to a Thai restaurant, watched a cat movie for her...send her a cat book, listen to her complain about her job.
OUR BREAK- UP
I then saw a article in the new paper about a couple who were caught having sex in the train. I asked her would she ever do that...and off course the answer was NO...which i knew and that was the last straw.
OUR TEXTS:
M:No, thats why I said I can see You doing this not us.
ME: You never want to give in to anything.... except for being naked when you come to the house,,,, you don't want to change anything else. i constantly thinking about you...and how to make your life better...and make you smile or happy. look for cat movies...cat books...ect
M: Alex I said id be willing to try public sex as long as its not so out in the open (Ex-behind a boulder in central park) but on a train like that is not my thing. I bring you food, clean certain rooms, walk around naked for you. Never ask to go out at night bec i know its not your thing. Ive adapted to your ways when we are together.
ME:You are home body for one. Second...i take you out as well to eat...Third....i was cleaning my dishes and stuff and you didn't like how i cleaned.
You won't wear a dress unless we go out to the city? You don't like phone sex. You don't want to change your life at all. I give you the naked part...but i brought this up before….You are one person when we are together...and different on the phone. You say one thing thing and do another. Ii don't know who the real M is
Nothing.... i didn't ask you to buy a dress. You can use the one you have. You said you would cook...and haven't. You said you will be more submissive when we have sex..and it just little.I am not trying to keep score and go on here but every time i want to talk..You tell me i am high maintenance or i want to much or i am saying you are not good enough. When all i am trying to do is express my feeling. You heard this before...i brought it up and then i don't say anything.You don't want to give in.....and that is fine. but don't say you are one way and you are not. I guess with the article i sent today...i just want you to give in to me just once. The think about love...is something you do things you don't like for the other person
M:Alex you can express your feelings all you want. I feel as though i have been giving in to you by adapting to your lifestyle when we are together. Public sex on a train is not something id do. I said I would do it though as stated above
ME: What lifestyle….staying home...making love...eating, watching movies…..that is what people do sometimes..you even tell me you want to stay home and don't go anywhere
M:Yes i do sometimes want to stay home some weekends but its become a routine.
****I DID WARN HER ABOUT THIS ON OUR FIRST DATE******
ME:well then the weekend i want to go out ..about two weeks ago..you wanted to stay i suggest going out a few times and you became tired
M:Yes I was dead from all the sex. I feel like you want someone very submissive all around. Is this true?? Im asking
Me:Not all the time, but don't say things that are not true...or promise you can't keep. i am not with you all the time..u can be and act anyway you want.....someone who want someone really submissive ...wouldn't even want they partner to go out and see friends If you want a alpha male you need to be more submissive.Two alpha will constantly fight.. if you want to get married and have kids.....your lifestyle has to change....if you want those things....unless you are happy with your life now...two alpha will constantly fight..i meant to say
M:Sure but we just started dating, i thought we would have some fun and create memories before kids and not jump into that lifestyle.
****ANOTHER LIE . SHE WAS THE ONE BRING UP KIDS ALL THE TIMES SINCE ALL HER FRIENDS HAD KIDS AND SHE KEPT TELLING ME ABOUT HER CLOCK CLICKING AND SHE WANTED IT ASAP*****
Me:that is not the impress you gave me. u want kids...u say that all the time.Your friends have kids…. see..i am confused again
M:I never said i didn't want kids above, I said that since we started dating i figured we would be getting to know each other, do different things before we took the next steps ....creating family
Me: and we will. i think i was honest and direct about everything. i told u the type of man i am. and been consistent everything i said .... i did
M:You were nobody said you weren't. I feel like I'm never going to live up to what you want me to be.
****LIVE UP TO WHAT? BEING MORE GIVING AND KIND AND GIVE IN TO ONCE IN A WHILE*******
Me:which is what? tell me what i want from you i want someone kind, caring, submissive , sexual and want to start a family. i think i mention that also when we met. someone who consistent with what they tell me. is that hard to live up to?
M:You didn't mention the black and white thinking, lack of spontaneity, self righteous attitude. These are things that might make a woman think twice.
Me: i did mention the black and white thing and i am not self righteous. i told u from day one. i think i am 95 % right. i know i did. i remember. when i am wrong..i correct my thinking. self righteous never want to change their mind. i do. Being decisive. Doesn't make you a black and white thinking. i know what i want and where i want to go and have goals. you even said.. u hate being with guys who don't know what they want to do. can't make a decision
****SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS TIRED OF GUYS NOT KNOWING WHAT THEY WANT AND CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECISION AND NOW SHE ATTACKING ME ABOUT THAT****
Me:You seem you want take yourself away from me and just me to agree
M:No Im not asking you to just agree, Im seriously asking you if you can see my concerns.
Me; do...but if you are not committed. Then go...break me....i will heal .....i always do. I can't believe you don't really think i love you
Me:Good morning....If you are happy with your life right now and they way it is going..that is fine. My mom, my sister and people i know, when they met the right guy they want to be with, are willing change their whole life….meaning moving to a different state, different country, doing thing they don’t like...ect. That is love to me. It’s a verb, it not just acceptance. I told you from day one, this is the time of person I am, the type of person I am interested marrying. That I don’t do well with strong woman. The only thing I did wrong was to take you by your word. That you are tried of being strong, you want to submit, you want to have a family and kids. I was totally insulted when you imply that the only reason I am with you is because you want family and a child. I am with you because I fell in love with you. It come down to one question which I mention a few times now.: Are you willing to give in to me or not more than you are now? If you are not, then you are right, we shouldn’t be together and you misled me from the beginning. If you are will to give in more, I am willing to change as well.
Sorry about the long text...i just didn't sleep at all last night
M:I will always be who I am. Its a lot to ask someone to change. Im going through a lot with trying to get out of this business while still keeping everything going. I cant handle any more demands at the moment. Im sorry you didn't sleep. I need to go now.
Me:They are not demands but fine i guess we are done...right? Nothing I want..demands money or anything else...but more giving
M:And I cant give you what you want. You'll always want someone sluttier, who cooks, who does more better, faster.
****SHE CAN;T GIVE IT TO ME..YET IN THE BEGINNING SHE SAID SHE WOULD AND PROMISE SHE WOULD****
M:I never mislead you, You were nitpicking at me from the beginning which is not a good sign for either of us. You act like a tiger mom constantly expecting more and better but never being happy in the moment. I don't respond well to that which Ive told you. Its not a matter of who's right or wrong or placing blame. We just don't click.
******THIS ONE WAS HEART TO SWALLOW BECAUSE NOT ONCE DID WE FIGHT, AND SHE WAS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE LITTLE BUBBLE WE MADE ...THE LITTLE WORLD WE MADE ON THE WEEKEND AND HOW HAPPY SHE WAS AND HOW THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE*****
****NITPICKING BECAUSE I AM WAITING AND WAITING TO SEE IF YOU WILL KEEP YOUR WORD? AND BRING IT TO YOUR ATTENTION? THAT IS NITPICKING?
M:Answer me this, What if I cant have a baby..... would you still want to be with me?
ME:We would adopt
M:Ic look I think its best we don't move forward bec we both know we will drive each other crazy which is not the type of environment needed for a family.
***THIS PART CONFUSED ME EVEN MORE. WE NEVER DRIVE EACH OTHER CRAZY DURING THE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER..THIS IS THE FIRST I HEARD OF THIS. WAS SHE IN THE SAME RELATIONSHIP AS I WAS. WHAT RELATIONSHIP WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT. ALL THE TIME SHE SAID TO BE FOR WEEKS WERE TOTALLY DIFFERENT WHAT SHE WAS SAYING NOW***********
M:m torn bec we are very alike in some ways and very different. I need a lifestyle with some spontaneity which is not how you enjoy to live.
****THIS REALLY PISSED ME OFF THE MOST. WHEN WE FIRST MET I TOLD HER HOW I WAS AND SHE TOLD ME THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTED AND NEEDED. AND NOT SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT? WTF
SECOND, I HAD PLANS TO DO STUFF AND SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO THE BEACH, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO EAT INDIAN FOOD. AND FINALLY THIS SUMMER SHE KNEW THAT THIS SUMMER WAS DIFFERENT. I HAD DENTAL SURGERY TWO WEEKEND, HER FLAT TIRE OF HER CAR WAS ONE WEEKEND. I HAD TO CLEAN THE HOUSE OF THE FLOOR WAS INSTALLED ONE WEEKEND. IF WE DIDN'T DO THINGS. SPONTANEOUS IS BECAUSE THINGS GOT IN THE WAY AND WE JUST HAD THE WEEKEND.
BESIDE,,,SHE MENTION TWICE TO SPEND THE WEEKEND IN LONG ISLAND. IF SHE WANTED IT SO MUCH...WHY DIDN'T SHE PLAN IT AND PAID FOR IT AND DID ALL OF THE WORK. ************
Me: I disagree. We never tried being spontaneous
M:Why do we have to try? Should just happen naturally. I have to go and start the day.
Me: We never went out And things happen in July My dental Your car Ect...
M;Yes I know we had things occur that prevented us from going out. I told you im torn and I need to get going right now. Can I think today about it?
M: I don't think we should drag this out. I cant put a timeline on having a family which I know is your sooner then later end goal with a woman.
FOR THE RECORD:
1-I never told her to change. I told her to give in to me once in a while. I never told that she couldn't see her friend or anything else. If telling her to keep her promise is telling her to change then I am guilty.But she doesn't want to play the blaming game..because she is in denial. She can't see her HUGE part of the failure of this relationship.
2-I Kept all my promise to her. Not one promise that came out of my mouth wasn't done. She fail to keep one promise she made to me. That should tell you what type of person she is. Inconsistent and a liar.
3-She doesn't understand love at all. Love to her is accepting the person for who they are. Well, let's take her definition. She didn't accept me for who I was....even though she knew type of person I was. My definition of love is that love is a verb. The act of loving. It is not a noun. I have been very loving in this relationship. DON'T SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T MEANT IT.
3-She knew actually the type of person i was before she started, And she knew actually what i wanted in the relationship there was so surprise.
4-She projected her issues on me.
CONCLUSION:
-M is unstable. Say one thing and do another. She is one person one day and another person the next.
-M doesn't know what the hell she wants. She wanted alpha male but then change her mind. She wanted kids ASAP and now she want it later.
-M is in denial about her issues. She can't see her role and the things she said and did as a factor of the failure and just blames it that we didn't "click" when all long she gave the impression otherwise. She can't see that all the things that are happen in her life is because of choices she made. The decision of getting into her business, the decision of the guys she gets involve with, the decisions one how she spends her money (going out to eat food all the time instead of cooking).
-M doesn't know how to love. She hasn't been in a relationship in 4 years. Doesn't know what a healthy and honest relationship is all about. Anyone asking her for anything mean that they are not accepting her for who she is.
The universe is a mirror image of who you are. Until M has a great fall in her life, her life won't change. She doesn't know what she wants..she has issues she is denial with. and then she wonders why she is where she is right now. I did try to save her...i did try to love her. But you can't help someone who want to drown.
OUR FIRST DATE:
In our first date after breakfast and going to bookstore, I told M the following:
-I am very boring
-I don't drink, smoke or take drug
-I am a homebody
-I am consistent
-I am very close to my family
-My goal is to meet someone and within a year get married have kids
-I am looking for someone submissive
-I only know how to love one way and that is 100%
-Love is a verb
-Looking for someone kind
-I have a certain sexual fantasy and it can stay a fantasy.
-I have a high sex drive
-I like have sex in public places and love a woman who wear a dress and no underwear
-I don't say the word LOVE unless i mean it
-I pleaded with her ...telling her please don't waste my time. DO not tell me one thing and do something else. Please be consistent
-I need someone who know how to cook
-I am giving
-I am not a bad boy
-I don't like drama and I am drama free
-I am clean and neat
-I have an addictive personality
-My ideal life is making love and doing all the other things we have to do between sessions
-The problem in relationship is not about communicating to your partner, the problem is does she listen and try to find a solution to the problem.
-I told her about relationships I had, where one girlfriend said I was too boring for her since most of the time we just stayed home.
-I told her about another past relationship where this ex girlfriend said all these thing to me: she as submissive, sexual, want to get married and settle down but her action were the total opposite.
-I told her about Nicole from last summer who wasn't there for me when my father died.
-I told her about Melissa, where she started her own business, taking care of her son, was part of a charter school and going to college to finish her BA. Our sex life was decreasing and when I brought the topic to her. She would call me selfish and that she had some much on her plate. Well I waited and waited for a few months and nothing really changed. In the end, I was so happy that I never married her....and now finally understood why so men would cheat. It is not that they weren't talking to their wives,,,their wives just don't care.
HER RESPONDS TO OUR FIRST DATE:
-I want marriage and kids soon (which now is a lie since she said she doesn't want one for while)
-I don't mind being at home. I am at home most of the time (which was lie since she was complaining that we stay home too much)
-I am kind and giving (her actions were was the total opposite
-She will buy a dress (lie...a simple dress cost like $30 which she didn't want to spend, but like to spend money on buying food all the time)
MY THOUGHTS AFTER OUR 1ST DATE:
I knew M wasn't my type. She was strong...a alpha woman. I told her that I am attracted to submissive woman and again..explained to her that two alpha will constantly fight and two betas will get nothing done. She was telling me how in most of the relationship she was always in control and was tired of it. Most of her male friend where Beta men. She told me about all the bad relationship she had except for first boyfriend and this artist guy.( One guy who was a doctor died over drug overdose, Another guy hit her. She wasted 7 years with a guy. How one guy told her to sleep with his best friends and she did.)
I told her about my fears. I told her I don't know who the real M is. She is all over the place. Is she submissive or dominate, Is she selfish or caring? Is she sexual or conservative? She had a lot of issues and drama in her life. She was telling me about her job,,,,how stressful it was and how much she liked it and it is never boring. She was working for herself. Her family drama. All she kept telling me was that once we had sex she would changed. She kept on telling me that...over and over...and eventually we did.
THE FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX:
I remember the first time we had sex. I asked her to promise me one thing ...of all the promise that was important was this one.----- To never take herself away from me, because I just don't sex with just anyone. I get really attach, and that my heart was so venerable and open since my father passed away and my problem with my ear and the break up with Nicole last year.
The sex was great. I made her cum over and over and over again. She was shocked. Once we had sex...she became more precious to me. I told her I always wanted her naked in the house...which she did. I wrote her poem...stories....love letter to her. I would find ebooks for her to read,.. showed her how to download movies online, text her all the time and call her in the evening. Listen to her complain about work, order Rx for her in the pharmacy. I would make breakfast for her every weekend. I would ask her what movies she wanted to see, Where she wanted to eat.I spend every weekend with her. She would also spend her weekend for me and text me.
I was starting to fall for her. It was during this time She said and promise the following things:
THE PROMISES:
1-She was going to cook for me and learn how to cook from a friend (that never happen)
2-She was going to cook me breakfast
3-Have sex in my back yard
4-During sex she would say. I want your baby.
5-During sex she would say....i will submit to you..I will do whatever you want.
6-She like how we spend our weekend together..in our own little bubble of making love watching movies and eating
THE WARNING SIGNS:
There were some warning sign:
-she never left anything of her stuff at my house....not even her toothbrush .I figured she had some commit issues
-never wear a dress ...her excuse she doesn't have one
-didn't cook or learn to cook
-she was going to be submissive and give in to me.
WHAT WERE THE REQUEST I WAS ASKING FOR
I requested simple things:
-take a shower with me
-Wear a dress with no underwear
-Watch a movie I like
-Going to the restaurant I want
SHE DID NOTHING EXCEPT THE FOLLOWING. She figured being naked, spending the weekend with me, texting and calling every night and spreading her leg was all she had to do.
I was patience ....she told me to be and I was.And it would take time for her to changes her ways,
Every attempt to talk about my feeling was replied with the following statement:
*Nothing I do is good enough
*If you give a inch, I want a yard
*We are not good for each other
*I should accept her for who she is
I felt guilty talking about my feeling when she said that to me.
THE "I LOVE YOU "
By the end of the second month, She said those words to me " I LOVE YOU". When she said that...I open my heart even more. I was finally able to let go of everything and stop worrying and and love her 100% .
I figured that now she loves me ...she might actually give in to me once in a whileSHE CHANGED:
When she finally had me....she changed. On the phone she starting to be rude to me, and I told and I brought it up to her attention. I was just getting tired of just say YES to her and she always said NO to me no matter what I was asking.To me that doesn't sound like someone giving in...being loving?
During the summer I also did some upgrade my house....there was one weekend I wanted to paint the basement and she told me not to do it and i didn't. What was another sign that she didn't really care about me ....she never offered to help me with the painting.
She was changing, She blew me off one night after going out with one of her friends. And one Satursday she blew me off because of her period (first time in my history someone didn't want to see me because of their period)
THE O.C.P.D PROJECTION
She then accuse me of being
From her text: "Do you have O.C.P.D? Not an emergency. Just remembered reading about this is college and seems like you."
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a mental condition in which a person has the following symptoms
-perfectionism to the point that it impairs the ability to finish tasks
-stiff, formal, or rigid mannerisms
-being extremely frugal with money
-an overwhelming need to be punctual
-extreme attention to detail
-excessive devotion to work at the expense of family or social relationships
-hoarding worn or useless items
-an inability to share or delegate work because of a fear it won’t be done right
-a fixation with lists
-a rigid adherence to rules and regulations
-an overwhelming need for order
-a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done
-a rigid adherence to moral and ethical codes
-They find it hard to express their feelings.
-They have difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships with others.
-They’re hardworking, but their obsession with perfection can make them inefficient.
-They often feel righteous, indignant, and angry.
-They often face social isolation.
-They can experience anxiety that occurs with depression.
I felt insulted and attacked. I took two test online and both said I didn't have OCPD. I did have some items on the list, but so do many ALPHA male do.
I am perfectiist but it never impair me on finishing my task
I am not frugal with my money. I spend alot of money during the summer to update my floors, the basement, oil to gas conversion, took her out to dinner, got a handy man to fix the house. ect...
I am on time
I am not a workaholic. I am off in the weekend
I am every close to my family
I am not a hoarder, I throw everything out that i don't use.
I do have morals
I don't have hard time expressing my feeling ( the blog and talking to her is an example)
I don't have difficulties maintaining relationship
I do think I am right all the time
When I look back now....M was more of OCPD than I was ...she was projection it to me.
She was the workaholic, Where in the end of our relationship she finally told me her job was the main reason she can't be with me. She need to get out the business, It might take a year to do that and show kids aren't in the picture.
She had difficulties in expressing her feeling. I never knew the amount of stress she actually had at her business because she never really went to much detail with me.
She is often isolated and stays home and once in while goes out with her friends.
She was always punctual ...in fact early all the time.
She a fixation with lists. She has a list in her i phone. I don't have a to do list at all.
She was rigid adherence to rules and regulations. I found out at the end, if i wanted her to anything like take a shower with me or watch movie I like...i would have to look into her eyes and hold her and tell her how important it was to me... WTF? that is so unnatural
She had a a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done and being neat. When I clean the dishes or the kitchen and bathroom. I wasn't always perfect. She started to clean the kitchen and bathroom her way...because the way I was doing it wasn't perfect.
She difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships with others. She wasn't close to her family or even her bother who lives in the same state with her. Except for her first boyfriend, she hasn't really maintain any close relationship with another. There is this friend she with, but personally I think she was using him for accounting stuff so she doesn't have to pay someone else to do it.
She had anxiety in bed with me. There was one time she started crying,,,because she didn't want to leave me. Here I thought she was missing me...but that wasn''t the truth. She was having an anxiety attack over her job.
BESIDE HAVING O.C.P.D. SHE MIGHT HAVE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
I personally think that beside having OCPD she was also has passive-aggressive personality disorder
Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include:
1. Resenting the demands of others
When others make requests or demands of them, passive aggressive people will often view them as unfair or unjust. Rather than express their feelings, they will bottle them up and resent the other person for making the demands. They quickly forget that they did not have to agree to the demand, or that they could have voiced their feelings at the time that the request was made.
2. Deliberate procrastination
Procrastination, the act of putting off that which needs to be done,. Rather than tell the other person that they cannot agree to their PROMISES, the passive aggressive person will delay completing the request until the very last moment, or later. This is aimed at punishing the other person for having the audacity to make the request.
3. Intentional mistakes
4. Hostile attitude
Passive aggressive people tend to immediately assume that anything they do not approve of was an intended to be a jibe at them. For example, they may assume that their boss knows that they have a full workload. When he boss makes a request of them, they assume that the has something against them and wants to put excessive pressure on them. It never crosses their mind that they could point out to their boss that they have a full schedule and he would then ask somebody else to help.
5. Complaints of injustice and lack of appreciation
Everything is viewed as an attack on them. When something doesn’t go their way, it is seen as unfair or an injustice. It’s all about how the world impacts on them.
6. Disguising criticism with compliments
At first, passive aggressive people may seem pleasant and warm. They often appear to be complimentary. It is only after they have left that you realize that the compliment was actually disguising a cheap jibe.
7. The last punch
Passive aggressive people love to throw the last punch. So much so, that even when an argument has been reconciled, they slip one last insulting remark into the conversation. This remark is often more subtle than the ones which went before but it is still an insulting remark which allows them to feel victorious.
She wasn't like this with her job, just with relationship. She was anal with work because it was he rice bowel but with relationship she was passive -aggressive.
She had indirect expression of hostility on the phone most of the time
She was procrastination,on promises she made
She was controlling. We watch what she wanted to watch, eat where she wanted to eat, do things that she anted.
She was stubbornness
She repeated failure to accomplish requested things she said she would do
She would complain about getting the short end of the stick. She couldn't see that her choices were the problem, not fate. Picking the business she is right now, Picking the bad guys in the past, Wasting 7 year with wrong guy.
THE LAST WEEKEND TOGETHER:
The last weekend we were together. We went to a Thai restaurant, watched a cat movie for her...send her a cat book, listen to her complain about her job.
OUR BREAK- UP
I then saw a article in the new paper about a couple who were caught having sex in the train. I asked her would she ever do that...and off course the answer was NO...which i knew and that was the last straw.
OUR TEXTS:
M:No, thats why I said I can see You doing this not us.
ME: You never want to give in to anything.... except for being naked when you come to the house,,,, you don't want to change anything else. i constantly thinking about you...and how to make your life better...and make you smile or happy. look for cat movies...cat books...ect
M: Alex I said id be willing to try public sex as long as its not so out in the open (Ex-behind a boulder in central park) but on a train like that is not my thing. I bring you food, clean certain rooms, walk around naked for you. Never ask to go out at night bec i know its not your thing. Ive adapted to your ways when we are together.
ME:You are home body for one. Second...i take you out as well to eat...Third....i was cleaning my dishes and stuff and you didn't like how i cleaned.
You won't wear a dress unless we go out to the city? You don't like phone sex. You don't want to change your life at all. I give you the naked part...but i brought this up before….You are one person when we are together...and different on the phone. You say one thing thing and do another. Ii don't know who the real M is
Nothing.... i didn't ask you to buy a dress. You can use the one you have. You said you would cook...and haven't. You said you will be more submissive when we have sex..and it just little.I am not trying to keep score and go on here but every time i want to talk..You tell me i am high maintenance or i want to much or i am saying you are not good enough. When all i am trying to do is express my feeling. You heard this before...i brought it up and then i don't say anything.You don't want to give in.....and that is fine. but don't say you are one way and you are not. I guess with the article i sent today...i just want you to give in to me just once. The think about love...is something you do things you don't like for the other person
M:Alex you can express your feelings all you want. I feel as though i have been giving in to you by adapting to your lifestyle when we are together. Public sex on a train is not something id do. I said I would do it though as stated above
ME: What lifestyle….staying home...making love...eating, watching movies…..that is what people do sometimes..you even tell me you want to stay home and don't go anywhere
M:Yes i do sometimes want to stay home some weekends but its become a routine.
****I DID WARN HER ABOUT THIS ON OUR FIRST DATE******
ME:well then the weekend i want to go out ..about two weeks ago..you wanted to stay i suggest going out a few times and you became tired
M:Yes I was dead from all the sex. I feel like you want someone very submissive all around. Is this true?? Im asking
Me:Not all the time, but don't say things that are not true...or promise you can't keep. i am not with you all the time..u can be and act anyway you want.....someone who want someone really submissive ...wouldn't even want they partner to go out and see friends If you want a alpha male you need to be more submissive.Two alpha will constantly fight.. if you want to get married and have kids.....your lifestyle has to change....if you want those things....unless you are happy with your life now...two alpha will constantly fight..i meant to say
M:Sure but we just started dating, i thought we would have some fun and create memories before kids and not jump into that lifestyle.
****ANOTHER LIE . SHE WAS THE ONE BRING UP KIDS ALL THE TIMES SINCE ALL HER FRIENDS HAD KIDS AND SHE KEPT TELLING ME ABOUT HER CLOCK CLICKING AND SHE WANTED IT ASAP*****
Me:that is not the impress you gave me. u want kids...u say that all the time.Your friends have kids…. see..i am confused again
M:I never said i didn't want kids above, I said that since we started dating i figured we would be getting to know each other, do different things before we took the next steps ....creating family
Me: and we will. i think i was honest and direct about everything. i told u the type of man i am. and been consistent everything i said .... i did
M:You were nobody said you weren't. I feel like I'm never going to live up to what you want me to be.
****LIVE UP TO WHAT? BEING MORE GIVING AND KIND AND GIVE IN TO ONCE IN A WHILE*******
Me:which is what? tell me what i want from you i want someone kind, caring, submissive , sexual and want to start a family. i think i mention that also when we met. someone who consistent with what they tell me. is that hard to live up to?
M:You didn't mention the black and white thinking, lack of spontaneity, self righteous attitude. These are things that might make a woman think twice.
Me: i did mention the black and white thing and i am not self righteous. i told u from day one. i think i am 95 % right. i know i did. i remember. when i am wrong..i correct my thinking. self righteous never want to change their mind. i do. Being decisive. Doesn't make you a black and white thinking. i know what i want and where i want to go and have goals. you even said.. u hate being with guys who don't know what they want to do. can't make a decision
****SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS TIRED OF GUYS NOT KNOWING WHAT THEY WANT AND CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECISION AND NOW SHE ATTACKING ME ABOUT THAT****
Me:You seem you want take yourself away from me and just me to agree
M:No Im not asking you to just agree, Im seriously asking you if you can see my concerns.
Me; do...but if you are not committed. Then go...break me....i will heal .....i always do. I can't believe you don't really think i love you
Me:Good morning....If you are happy with your life right now and they way it is going..that is fine. My mom, my sister and people i know, when they met the right guy they want to be with, are willing change their whole life….meaning moving to a different state, different country, doing thing they don’t like...ect. That is love to me. It’s a verb, it not just acceptance. I told you from day one, this is the time of person I am, the type of person I am interested marrying. That I don’t do well with strong woman. The only thing I did wrong was to take you by your word. That you are tried of being strong, you want to submit, you want to have a family and kids. I was totally insulted when you imply that the only reason I am with you is because you want family and a child. I am with you because I fell in love with you. It come down to one question which I mention a few times now.: Are you willing to give in to me or not more than you are now? If you are not, then you are right, we shouldn’t be together and you misled me from the beginning. If you are will to give in more, I am willing to change as well.
Sorry about the long text...i just didn't sleep at all last night
M:I will always be who I am. Its a lot to ask someone to change. Im going through a lot with trying to get out of this business while still keeping everything going. I cant handle any more demands at the moment. Im sorry you didn't sleep. I need to go now.
Me:They are not demands but fine i guess we are done...right? Nothing I want..demands money or anything else...but more giving
M:And I cant give you what you want. You'll always want someone sluttier, who cooks, who does more better, faster.
****SHE CAN;T GIVE IT TO ME..YET IN THE BEGINNING SHE SAID SHE WOULD AND PROMISE SHE WOULD****
M:I never mislead you, You were nitpicking at me from the beginning which is not a good sign for either of us. You act like a tiger mom constantly expecting more and better but never being happy in the moment. I don't respond well to that which Ive told you. Its not a matter of who's right or wrong or placing blame. We just don't click.
******THIS ONE WAS HEART TO SWALLOW BECAUSE NOT ONCE DID WE FIGHT, AND SHE WAS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE LITTLE BUBBLE WE MADE ...THE LITTLE WORLD WE MADE ON THE WEEKEND AND HOW HAPPY SHE WAS AND HOW THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE*****
****NITPICKING BECAUSE I AM WAITING AND WAITING TO SEE IF YOU WILL KEEP YOUR WORD? AND BRING IT TO YOUR ATTENTION? THAT IS NITPICKING?
M:Answer me this, What if I cant have a baby..... would you still want to be with me?
ME:We would adopt
M:Ic look I think its best we don't move forward bec we both know we will drive each other crazy which is not the type of environment needed for a family.
***THIS PART CONFUSED ME EVEN MORE. WE NEVER DRIVE EACH OTHER CRAZY DURING THE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER..THIS IS THE FIRST I HEARD OF THIS. WAS SHE IN THE SAME RELATIONSHIP AS I WAS. WHAT RELATIONSHIP WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT. ALL THE TIME SHE SAID TO BE FOR WEEKS WERE TOTALLY DIFFERENT WHAT SHE WAS SAYING NOW***********
M:m torn bec we are very alike in some ways and very different. I need a lifestyle with some spontaneity which is not how you enjoy to live.
****THIS REALLY PISSED ME OFF THE MOST. WHEN WE FIRST MET I TOLD HER HOW I WAS AND SHE TOLD ME THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTED AND NEEDED. AND NOT SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT? WTF
SECOND, I HAD PLANS TO DO STUFF AND SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO THE BEACH, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO EAT INDIAN FOOD. AND FINALLY THIS SUMMER SHE KNEW THAT THIS SUMMER WAS DIFFERENT. I HAD DENTAL SURGERY TWO WEEKEND, HER FLAT TIRE OF HER CAR WAS ONE WEEKEND. I HAD TO CLEAN THE HOUSE OF THE FLOOR WAS INSTALLED ONE WEEKEND. IF WE DIDN'T DO THINGS. SPONTANEOUS IS BECAUSE THINGS GOT IN THE WAY AND WE JUST HAD THE WEEKEND.
BESIDE,,,SHE MENTION TWICE TO SPEND THE WEEKEND IN LONG ISLAND. IF SHE WANTED IT SO MUCH...WHY DIDN'T SHE PLAN IT AND PAID FOR IT AND DID ALL OF THE WORK. ************
Me: I disagree. We never tried being spontaneous
M:Why do we have to try? Should just happen naturally. I have to go and start the day.
Me: We never went out And things happen in July My dental Your car Ect...
M;Yes I know we had things occur that prevented us from going out. I told you im torn and I need to get going right now. Can I think today about it?
M: I don't think we should drag this out. I cant put a timeline on having a family which I know is your sooner then later end goal with a woman.
FOR THE RECORD:
1-I never told her to change. I told her to give in to me once in a while. I never told that she couldn't see her friend or anything else. If telling her to keep her promise is telling her to change then I am guilty.But she doesn't want to play the blaming game..because she is in denial. She can't see her HUGE part of the failure of this relationship.
2-I Kept all my promise to her. Not one promise that came out of my mouth wasn't done. She fail to keep one promise she made to me. That should tell you what type of person she is. Inconsistent and a liar.
3-She doesn't understand love at all. Love to her is accepting the person for who they are. Well, let's take her definition. She didn't accept me for who I was....even though she knew type of person I was. My definition of love is that love is a verb. The act of loving. It is not a noun. I have been very loving in this relationship. DON'T SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T MEANT IT.
3-She knew actually the type of person i was before she started, And she knew actually what i wanted in the relationship there was so surprise.
4-She projected her issues on me.
CONCLUSION:
-M is unstable. Say one thing and do another. She is one person one day and another person the next.
-M doesn't know what the hell she wants. She wanted alpha male but then change her mind. She wanted kids ASAP and now she want it later.
-M is in denial about her issues. She can't see her role and the things she said and did as a factor of the failure and just blames it that we didn't "click" when all long she gave the impression otherwise. She can't see that all the things that are happen in her life is because of choices she made. The decision of getting into her business, the decision of the guys she gets involve with, the decisions one how she spends her money (going out to eat food all the time instead of cooking).
-M doesn't know how to love. She hasn't been in a relationship in 4 years. Doesn't know what a healthy and honest relationship is all about. Anyone asking her for anything mean that they are not accepting her for who she is.
The universe is a mirror image of who you are. Until M has a great fall in her life, her life won't change. She doesn't know what she wants..she has issues she is denial with. and then she wonders why she is where she is right now. I did try to save her...i did try to love her. But you can't help someone who want to drown.
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