JOURNAL: GETTING INTO THE CORE OF WHY THE LAST RELATIONSHIP FAILED

I am trying to get to the core of my last relationship ended. So this post is not like my typical post. It more like free style writing.


OUR FIRST DATE:

In our first date after breakfast and going to bookstore, I told M the following:

-I am very boring
-I don't drink, smoke or take drug
-I am a homebody
-I am consistent
-I am very close to my family
-My goal is to meet someone and within a year get married have kids
-I am looking for someone submissive
-I only know how to love one way and that is 100%
-Love is a verb
-Looking for someone kind
-I have a certain sexual fantasy and it can stay a fantasy.
-I have a high sex drive
-I like have sex in public places and love a woman who wear a dress and no underwear
-I don't say the word LOVE unless i mean it
-I pleaded with her ...telling her please don't waste my time. DO not tell me one thing and do something else. Please be consistent
-I need someone who know how to cook
-I am giving
-I am not a bad boy
-I don't like drama and I am drama free
-I am clean and neat
-I have an addictive personality
-My ideal life is making love and doing all the other things we have to do between sessions
-The problem in relationship is not about communicating to your partner, the problem is does she listen and try to find a solution to the problem.
-I told her about relationships I had, where one girlfriend said I was too boring for her since most of the time we just stayed home.
-I told her about another past relationship where this ex girlfriend said all these thing to me: she as submissive, sexual, want to get married and settle down but her action were the total opposite.
-I told her about Nicole from last summer who wasn't there for me when my father died.
-I told her about Melissa, where she started her own business, taking care of her son, was part of a charter school and going to college to finish her BA. Our sex life was decreasing and when I brought the topic to her. She would call me selfish and that she had some much on her plate. Well I waited and waited for a few months and nothing really changed. In the end, I was so happy that I never married her....and now finally understood why so men would cheat. It is not that they weren't talking to their wives,,,their wives just don't care.


HER RESPONDS TO OUR FIRST DATE:
-I want marriage and kids soon (which now is a lie since she said she doesn't want one for while)
-I don't mind being at home. I am at home most of the time (which was lie since she was complaining that we stay home too much)
-I am kind and giving (her actions were was the total opposite
-She will buy a dress (lie...a simple dress cost like $30 which she didn't want to spend, but like to spend money on buying food all the time)


MY THOUGHTS AFTER OUR 1ST DATE:

I knew M wasn't my type. She was strong...a alpha woman. I told her that I am attracted to submissive woman and again..explained to her that two alpha will constantly fight and two betas will get nothing done. She was telling me how in most of the relationship she was always in control and was tired of it. Most of her male friend where Beta men. She told me about all the bad relationship she had except for first boyfriend and this artist guy.( One guy who was a doctor died over drug overdose, Another guy hit her. She wasted 7 years with a guy. How one guy told her to sleep with his best friends and she did.)

I told her about my fears. I told her I don't know who the real M is. She is all over the place. Is she submissive or dominate, Is she selfish or caring? Is she sexual or conservative? She had a lot of issues and drama in her life. She was telling me about her job,,,,how stressful it was and how much she liked it and it is never boring. She was working for herself. Her family drama. All she kept telling me was that once we had sex she would changed. She kept on telling me that...over and over...and eventually we did.


THE FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX:

I remember the first time we had sex. I asked her to promise me one thing ...of all the promise that was important was this one.----- To never take herself away from me, because I just don't sex with just anyone. I get really attach,  and that my heart was so venerable and open since my father passed away and my problem with my ear and the break up with Nicole last year.

The sex was great. I made her cum over and over and over again. She was shocked. Once we had sex...she became more precious to me. I told her I always wanted her naked in the house...which she did. I wrote her poem...stories....love letter to her. I would find ebooks for her to read,.. showed her how to download movies online, text her all the time and call her in the evening. Listen to her complain about work, order Rx for her in the pharmacy. I would make breakfast for her every weekend.  I would ask her what movies she wanted to see, Where she wanted to eat.I spend every weekend with her. She would also spend her weekend for me and text me.

I was starting to fall for her. It was during this time She said and promise the following things:

THE PROMISES:

1-She was going to cook for me and learn how to cook from a friend (that never happen)
2-She was going to cook me breakfast
3-Have sex in my back yard
4-During sex she would say. I want your baby.
5-During sex she would say....i will submit to you..I will do whatever you want.
6-She like how we spend our weekend together..in our own little bubble of making love watching movies and eating


THE WARNING SIGNS:

There were some warning sign:

-she never left anything of her stuff at my house....not even her toothbrush .I figured she had some commit issues
-never wear a dress ...her excuse she doesn't have one
-didn't cook or learn to cook
-she was going to be submissive and give in to me.



WHAT WERE THE REQUEST I WAS ASKING FOR

I requested simple things:

-take a shower with me
-Wear a dress with no underwear  
-Watch a movie I like  
-Going to the restaurant I want  

SHE DID NOTHING EXCEPT THE FOLLOWING. She figured being naked, spending the weekend with me, texting and calling every night and spreading her leg was all she had to do.

I was patience ....she told me to be and I was.And it would take time for her to changes her ways,


Every attempt to talk about my feeling was replied with the following statement:

*Nothing I do is good enough
 *If you give a inch, I want a yard
*We are not good for each other
*I should accept her for who she is

 I felt guilty talking about my feeling when she said that  to me.



THE "I LOVE YOU "
By the end of the second month, She said those words to me " I LOVE YOU". When she said that...I open my heart even more. I was finally able to let go of everything  and stop worrying and and love her 100% .

I figured that now she loves me ...she might actually give in to me once in a whileSHE CHANGED:

When she finally had me....she changed. On the phone she starting to be rude to me, and I told and I brought it up to her attention.   I was just getting tired of just say YES to her and she always said NO to me  no matter what I was asking.To me that doesn't sound like someone giving in...being loving? 

During the summer I also did some upgrade my house....there was one weekend I wanted to paint the basement and she told me not to do it and i didn't. What was another sign that she didn't really care about me ....she never offered to help me with the painting.

She was changing, She blew me off one night after going out with one of her friends. And one Satursday she blew me off because of her period (first time in my history someone didn't want to see me because of their period)


THE O.C.P.D PROJECTION

She then accuse me of being

From her text: "Do you have O.C.P.D? Not an emergency. Just remembered reading about this is college and seems like you."

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a mental condition in which a person  has the following  symptoms 

-perfectionism to the point that it impairs the ability to finish tasks
-stiff, formal, or rigid mannerisms
-being extremely frugal with money
-an overwhelming need to be punctual
-extreme attention to detail
-excessive devotion to work at the expense of family or social relationships
-hoarding worn or useless items
-an inability to share or delegate work because of a fear it won’t be done right
-a fixation with lists
-a rigid adherence to rules and regulations
-an overwhelming need for order
-a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done
-a rigid adherence to moral and ethical codes
-They find it hard to express their feelings.
-They have difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships with others.
-They’re hardworking, but their obsession with perfection can make them inefficient.
-They often feel righteous, indignant, and angry.
-They often face social isolation.
-They can experience anxiety that occurs with depression.


I felt insulted and attacked. I took two test online and both said I didn't have OCPD. I did have some items on the list, but so do many ALPHA male do.

I am perfectiist but it never impair me on finishing my task
I am  not frugal with my money. I spend alot of money during the summer to update my floors, the basement, oil to gas conversion, took her out to dinner, got a handy man to fix the house. ect...
I am on time
I am not a workaholic. I am off in the weekend 
I am every close to my family
I am not a hoarder, I throw everything out that i don't use.
I do have morals
I don't have hard time expressing my feeling ( the blog and talking to her is an example)
I don't have difficulties maintaining relationship
I do think I am right all the time


When I look back now....M was more of OCPD than I was ...she was projection it to me.

She was  the workaholic, Where in the end of our relationship  she finally told me her job was the main reason she can't be with me. She need to get out the business, It might take a year to do that and show kids aren't in the picture.

She had difficulties in expressing her feeling. I never knew the amount of stress she actually had at her business because she never really went to much detail with me.

She is often isolated and stays home and once in while goes out with her friends.

She was always punctual ...in fact early all the time.

She a fixation with lists. She has a list in her i phone. I don't have a to do list at all.

She was rigid adherence to rules and regulations. I found out at the end, if i wanted her to anything like take a shower with me or watch movie I like...i would have to look into her eyes and hold her and tell her how important it was to me... WTF? that is so unnatural

She had a a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done and being neat. When I clean the dishes or the kitchen and bathroom. I wasn't always perfect. She started to clean the kitchen and bathroom her way...because the way I was doing it wasn't perfect.

She difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships with others. She wasn't close to her family or even her bother who lives in the same state with her. Except for her first boyfriend, she hasn't really maintain any close relationship with another. There is this friend she with, but personally I think she was using him for accounting stuff so she doesn't have to pay someone else to do it.

She had anxiety in bed with me. There was one time she started crying,,,because she didn't want to leave me. Here I thought she was missing me...but that wasn''t the truth. She was having an anxiety attack over her job.




BESIDE HAVING O.C.P.D. SHE MIGHT HAVE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER:


I personally think that beside having OCPD she was also  has passive-aggressive personality disorder

Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include:

1. Resenting the demands of others

When others make requests or demands of them, passive aggressive people will often view them as unfair or unjust. Rather than express their feelings, they will bottle them up and resent the other person for making the demands. They quickly forget that they did not have to agree to the demand, or that they could have voiced their feelings at the time that the request was made.

 2. Deliberate procrastination

Procrastination, the act of putting off that which needs to be done,. Rather than tell the other person that they cannot agree to their PROMISES, the passive aggressive person will delay completing the request until the very last moment, or later. This is aimed at punishing the other person for having the audacity to make the request.

 3. Intentional mistakes

 4. Hostile attitude

Passive aggressive people tend to immediately assume that anything they do not approve of was an intended to be a jibe at them. For example, they may assume that their boss knows that they have a full workload. When he boss makes a request of them, they assume that the has something against them and wants to put excessive pressure on them. It never crosses their mind that they could point out to their boss that they have a full schedule and he would then ask somebody else to help.

5. Complaints of injustice and lack of appreciation

Everything is viewed as an attack on them. When something doesn’t go their way, it is seen as unfair or an injustice. It’s all about how the world impacts on them.

 6. Disguising criticism with compliments

At first, passive aggressive people may seem pleasant and warm. They often appear to be complimentary. It is only after they have left that you realize that the compliment was actually disguising a cheap jibe.

7. The last punch

Passive aggressive people love to throw the last punch. So much so, that even when an argument has been reconciled, they slip one last insulting remark into the conversation. This remark is often more subtle than the ones which went before but it is still an insulting remark which allows them to feel victorious.


She wasn't like this with her job, just with relationship. She was anal with work because it was he rice bowel but with relationship she was passive -aggressive.
 
She had  indirect expression of hostility on the phone most of the time
She was procrastination,on promises she made
She was controlling. We watch what she wanted to watch, eat where she wanted to eat, do things that she anted.
She was stubbornness
She repeated failure to accomplish requested things she said she would do
She would complain about getting the short end of the stick. She couldn't see that her choices were the problem, not fate. Picking the business she is right now, Picking the bad guys in the past, Wasting 7 year with wrong guy.



THE LAST WEEKEND TOGETHER:


The last weekend we were together. We went to a Thai restaurant, watched a cat movie for her...send her a cat book, listen to her complain about her job.


OUR BREAK- UP

I then saw a article in the new paper about a couple who were caught having sex in the train. I asked her would she ever do that...and off course the answer was NO...which i knew and that was the last straw.


OUR TEXTS:

M:No, thats why I said I can see You doing this not us.

ME: You never want to give in to anything.... except for being naked when you come to the house,,,, you don't want to change anything else. i constantly thinking about you...and how to make your life better...and make you smile or happy. look for cat movies...cat books...ect

M: Alex I said id be willing to try  public sex as long as its not so out in the open (Ex-behind a boulder in central park) but on a train like that is not my thing. I bring you food, clean certain rooms, walk around naked for you.  Never ask to go out at night bec i know its not your thing. Ive adapted to your ways when we are together.

ME:You are home body for one. Second...i take you out as well to eat...Third....i was cleaning my dishes and stuff and you didn't like how i cleaned.

You won't wear a dress unless we go out to the city? You don't like phone sex.  You don't want to change your life at all. I give you the naked part...but i brought this up before….You are one person when we are together...and different on the phone. You say one thing thing and do another. Ii don't know who the real M is

Nothing.... i didn't ask you to buy a dress. You can use the one you have. You said you would cook...and haven't. You said you will be more submissive when we have sex..and it just little.I am not trying to keep score and go on here but every time i want to talk..You tell me i am high maintenance  or i want to much or i am saying you are not good enough. When all i am trying to do is express my feeling. You heard this before...i brought it up and then i don't say anything.You don't want to give in.....and that is fine. but don't say you are one way and you are not. I guess with the article i sent today...i just want you to give in to me just once. The think about love...is something you do things you don't like for the other person


M:Alex you can express your feelings all you want. I feel as though i have been giving in to you by adapting to your lifestyle when we are together. Public sex on a train is not something id do. I said I would do it though as stated above


ME: What lifestyle….staying home...making love...eating, watching movies…..that is what people do sometimes..you even tell me you want to stay home and don't go anywhere


M:Yes i do sometimes want to stay home some weekends but its become a routine.

****I DID WARN HER ABOUT THIS ON OUR FIRST DATE******


ME:well then the weekend i want to go out ..about two weeks ago..you wanted to stay i suggest going out a few times and you became tired

M:Yes I was dead from all the sex. I feel like you want someone very submissive all around. Is this true?? Im asking

Me:Not all the time,  but don't say things that are not true...or promise you can't keep.  i am not with you all the time..u can be and act anyway you want.....someone who want someone really submissive ...wouldn't even want they partner to go out and see friends If you want a alpha male you need to be more submissive.Two alpha will constantly fight.. if you want to get married and have kids.....your lifestyle has to change....if you want those things....unless you are happy with your life now...two alpha will constantly fight..i meant to say


M:Sure but we just started dating, i thought we would have some fun and create memories before kids and not jump into that lifestyle.

****ANOTHER LIE . SHE WAS THE ONE BRING UP KIDS ALL THE TIMES SINCE ALL HER FRIENDS HAD KIDS AND SHE KEPT TELLING ME ABOUT HER CLOCK CLICKING AND SHE WANTED IT ASAP*****


Me:that is not the impress you gave me. u want kids...u say that all the time.Your friends have kids…. see..i am confused again

M:I never said i didn't want kids above, I said that since we started dating i figured we would be getting to know each other, do different things before we took the next steps ....creating family


Me: and we will.  i think i was honest and direct about everything. i told u the type of man i am. and been consistent  everything i said .... i did


M:You were nobody said you weren't. I feel like I'm never going to live up to what you want me to be.


****LIVE UP TO WHAT? BEING MORE GIVING AND KIND AND GIVE IN TO ONCE IN A WHILE*******

Me:which is what? tell me what i want from you i want someone kind, caring, submissive , sexual and want to start a family. i think i mention that also when we met. someone who consistent with what they tell me. is that hard to live up to?


M:You didn't mention the black and white thinking, lack of spontaneity, self righteous attitude. These are things that might make a woman think twice.


Me: i did mention  the black and white thing   and  i am not self righteous.  i told u from day one. i think i am 95 % right.  i know i did. i remember. when i am wrong..i correct my thinking. self righteous never want to change their mind. i do. Being decisive. Doesn't make you a black and white thinking. i know what i want and where i want to go and have goals. you even said.. u hate being with guys who don't know what they want to do. can't make a decision


****SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS TIRED OF GUYS NOT KNOWING WHAT THEY WANT AND CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECISION AND NOW SHE ATTACKING ME ABOUT THAT****


Me:You seem you want take yourself away from me and just me to agree

M:No Im not asking you to just agree, Im seriously asking you if you can see my concerns.

Me; do...but if you are not  committed. Then go...break me....i will heal .....i always do. I can't believe you don't really think i love you



Me:Good morning....If you are happy with your life right now and they way it is going..that is fine. My mom, my sister and people i know, when they met the right guy they want to be with, are willing change their whole life….meaning moving to a different state, different country, doing thing they don’t like...ect. That is love to me. It’s a verb, it not just acceptance. I told you from day one, this is the time of person I am, the type of person I am interested marrying. That I don’t do well with strong woman. The only thing I did wrong was to take you by your word. That you are tried of being strong, you want to submit, you want to have a family and kids. I was totally insulted when you imply that the only reason I am with you is because you want family and a child. I am with you because I fell in love with you. It come down to one question which I mention a few times now.: Are you willing to give in to me or not more than you are now? If you are not, then you are right, we shouldn’t be together and you misled me from the beginning. If you are will to give in more, I am willing to change as well.

Sorry about the long text...i just didn't sleep at all last night


M:I will always be who I am. Its a lot to ask someone to change. Im going through a lot with trying to get out of this business while still keeping everything going. I cant handle any more demands at the moment. Im sorry you didn't sleep. I need to go now.


Me:They are not demands  but fine  i guess we are done...right?  Nothing I want..demands money or anything else...but more giving


M:And I cant give you what you want. You'll always want someone sluttier, who cooks, who does more better, faster.


****SHE CAN;T GIVE IT TO ME..YET IN THE BEGINNING SHE SAID SHE WOULD AND PROMISE SHE WOULD****


M:I never mislead you, You were nitpicking at me from the beginning which is not a good sign for either of us. You act like a tiger mom constantly expecting more and better but never being happy in the moment. I don't respond well to that which Ive told you. Its not a matter of who's right or wrong or placing blame. We just don't click.


******THIS ONE WAS HEART TO SWALLOW BECAUSE NOT ONCE DID WE FIGHT, AND SHE WAS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE LITTLE BUBBLE WE MADE ...THE LITTLE WORLD WE MADE ON THE WEEKEND AND HOW HAPPY SHE WAS AND HOW THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE*****

****NITPICKING BECAUSE I AM WAITING AND WAITING TO SEE IF YOU WILL KEEP YOUR WORD? AND BRING IT TO YOUR ATTENTION? THAT IS NITPICKING?

M:Answer me this, What if I cant have a baby..... would you still want to be with me?


ME:We would adopt

M:Ic look I think its best we don't move forward bec we both know we will drive each other crazy which is not the type of environment needed for a family.

***THIS PART CONFUSED ME EVEN MORE. WE NEVER DRIVE EACH OTHER CRAZY DURING THE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER..THIS IS THE FIRST I HEARD OF THIS. WAS SHE IN THE SAME RELATIONSHIP AS I WAS. WHAT RELATIONSHIP WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT. ALL THE TIME SHE SAID TO BE FOR WEEKS WERE TOTALLY DIFFERENT WHAT SHE WAS SAYING NOW***********


M:m torn bec we are very alike in some ways and very different. I need a lifestyle with some spontaneity which is not how you enjoy to live.

****THIS REALLY PISSED ME OFF THE MOST. WHEN WE FIRST MET I TOLD HER HOW I WAS AND SHE TOLD ME THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTED AND NEEDED. AND NOT SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT? WTF

SECOND, I HAD PLANS TO DO STUFF AND SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO THE BEACH, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO EAT INDIAN FOOD. AND FINALLY THIS SUMMER SHE KNEW THAT THIS SUMMER WAS DIFFERENT. I HAD DENTAL SURGERY TWO WEEKEND, HER FLAT TIRE OF HER CAR WAS ONE WEEKEND. I HAD TO CLEAN THE HOUSE OF THE FLOOR WAS INSTALLED ONE WEEKEND. IF WE DIDN'T DO THINGS. SPONTANEOUS IS BECAUSE THINGS GOT IN THE WAY AND WE JUST HAD THE WEEKEND.

BESIDE,,,SHE MENTION TWICE TO SPEND THE WEEKEND IN LONG ISLAND. IF SHE WANTED IT SO MUCH...WHY DIDN'T SHE PLAN IT AND PAID FOR IT AND DID ALL OF THE WORK. ************


Me: I disagree. We never tried being spontaneous


M:Why do we have to try? Should just happen naturally. I have to go and start the day.

Me: We never went out  And things happen in July  My dental  Your car Ect...

M;Yes I know we had things occur that prevented us from going out. I told you im torn and I need to get going right now. Can I think today about it?
M: I don't think we should drag this out. I cant put a timeline on having a family which I know is your sooner then later end goal with a woman.




FOR THE RECORD:

1-I never told her to change. I told her to give in to me once in a while. I never told that she couldn't see her friend or anything else. If telling her to keep her promise is telling her to change then I am guilty.But she doesn't want to play the blaming game..because she is in denial. She can't see her HUGE part of the failure of this relationship.

2-I Kept all my promise to her. Not one promise that came out of my mouth wasn't done. She fail to keep one promise she made to me. That should tell you what type of person she is. Inconsistent and a liar. 

3-She doesn't understand love at all. Love to her is accepting the person for who they are. Well, let's take her definition. She didn't accept me for who I was....even though she knew type of person I was.  My definition of love is that love is a verb. The act of loving. It is not a noun. I have been very loving in this relationship. DON'T SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T MEANT IT.

3-She knew actually the type of person i was before she started, And she knew actually what i wanted in the relationship there was so surprise. 

4-She projected her issues on me.



CONCLUSION:

-M is unstable. Say one thing and do another. She is one person one day and another person the next.
-M doesn't know what the hell she wants.  She wanted alpha male but then change her mind. She wanted kids ASAP and now she want it later. 
-M is in denial about her issues. She can't see her role and the things she said and did as a factor of the failure and just blames it that we didn't "click" when all long she gave the impression otherwise. She can't see that all the things that are happen in her life is because of choices she made. The decision of getting into her business, the decision of the guys she gets involve with, the decisions one how she spends her money (going out to eat food all the time instead of cooking).
-M doesn't know how to love. She hasn't been in a relationship in 4 years. Doesn't know what a healthy and honest relationship is all about. Anyone asking her for anything mean that they are not accepting her for who she is. 

The universe is a mirror image of who you are. Until M has a great fall in her life, her life won't change. She doesn't know what she wants..she has issues she is denial with. and then she wonders why she is where she is right now. I did try to save her...i did try to love her. But you can't help someone who want to drown.