1. A weekend in which you have no plans, no responsibilities, and nowhere at all to be, ranks as one of the best weekends you’ll ever have.
2. Sometimes friends will try to make plans with you and you have no reason to decline except for the fact that you just want to be alone that day. (Your plan is to have no plans, people need to understand that by now, right?)
3. A good album, book, or television show can keep your attention far longer than any party, club, or bar could.
4. Going away to a remote cabin in the middle of the woods to just exist for a period of time sounds like the best idea for a vacation that you can think of.
5. There is nothing more exciting than planning a long, solo road trip, because you know you’re going to be able to think your thoughts, listen to your music, and play your audiobooks for hours and hours on end. Is there anything better?
6. When people say they can’t eat alone at a restaurant, you’re like, really? That’s one of life’s simple pleasures! Food? Good. A book? Good. No conversation whatsoever? Perfect.
7. The worst trait any potential lover could have is “clingy.” You need your space like you need air to breathe. It’s essential. If they need to be around you all the time? Dealbreaker.
8. Even if you are attached, you carve out hours of alone time just to keep your sanity (and to keep your relationship healthy and happy, too).
9. The only person you’d ever consider marrying would be someone that also loves spending time alone, otherwise that thing’s never going to last.
10. If anyone that knew you were to describe you, one of the words they’d use emphatically to do so is: independent.
11. Your intuition is on point because you spend an insane amount of time alone and cultivating it.
12. While people around you hate being single, you consider it such a joy to be able to be at the whim of your aloneness and this feeling is especially better if you live alone, because you have so much time to do all your little things that you do when nobody is around.
13. You’re always working on a project –usually something artistic– and you start to get antsy if you haven’t been able to work on it for a few days.
14. When you do hang out with people, you prefer seeing them one on one or in a small group. The more intimate and deep the conversation, the better.
15. You are an observer –watching and studying people’s behavior– and, funny enough, are usually quite well-liked, which can serve to be a problem considering how much time you want to spend by yourself.
16. A full day by yourself makes you feel more you than anything at all.
17. You tend to enjoy cold, rainy weather, as it gives you even more of an excuse to hibernate in your home and read, sit by the fire, think, curl up, write in your journal.
18. If you are not thinking about life’s big questions, you must be dead.
19. Because you put a premium on spending time alone, you are more present and attentive when you do spend time with people, because you don’t feel as though you’re missing out on time by yourself.
20. You would much rather go on a hike or go to the beach by yourself than with anyone, which isn’t to say you dislike going with people, it’s just a more engaging experience when you do it alone.
21. Sure, it’s fun to drink wine with friends, but having a bottle of wine to yourself at the end of a long day? 100% perfect paradise heaven.
22. Traveling to a new place by yourself (even if the new place is only ten miles away) is your idea of a great time. You are always either planning a solo adventure, going on a solo adventure, or coming back from one. Experiencing the world through your own eyes without anybody else’s opinion is not just a desire, it’s an essential need of yours.
23. There is absolutely nothing that can touch the feeling of when someone cancels plans on you and you are suddenly left with surprise alone time. You’re all, “Oh good, more time to be with me!” and it’s truly an untouchable feeling of happiness
Monday, September 15, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
JOURNAL
I put in the change of hours again yesterday. Cutting 3 hours from my schedule so far. This new management is taking control of my schedule and putting in whoever they want ...something about open access.
I really don't care if I am losing money. I am trying to find balance in my life. I am not going to kill myself for a company that doesn't listen to me
I really don't care if I am losing money. I am trying to find balance in my life. I am not going to kill myself for a company that doesn't listen to me
POETRY: I CAN SEE YOU EVERYWHERE
You are familiar
I run my hands against your face
Your features
Like a professional climber
On a mountainous terrain
I seem to remember
With my fingers
I climb every curve and cranny
Towards your majestic summit
At a most cautious pace
I dare not look down
For fear that some slip of uncertainty of you
In me would be found
Until finally I come to an abrupt end
Standing still I feel the gentle wind
Wrapping itself around me
You catch my fall
You give me your hand
You say 'trust me'
This is no stranger at all
But the arms of my friend
Together we reach the top
Then climbing down
My adventure with you
Starts all over again
2
I can see you everywhere,
And yet you are nowhere.
I feel your breath on my neck,
Your warm lips pressed against mine,
But when i reach out to you
You aren't there.
Can it be my imagination?
How can you be so real?
Maybe you live inside me,
A piece of your soul,
But our bodies do not know each other.
I dream of the day we will meet.
The overwhelming feelings,
Bursting at the seams.
You are my true love,
My destiny.
Until we meet,
I will hold you in my heart.
And pray you will soon find me.
3
Come sit by my side for a spell.
This old rocking chair is plenty big.
Well, I hope you have missed me today,
As all I have done is think of you.
I've been wanting to put my arms around you,
Maybe pull you against me so tight,
To run my fingers throught your hair,
And watch as it softly falls through my hands.
I have such wonderful thoughts of you.
There was a thunderstorm early this morning.
Soft gray clouds came rolling in,
The sound of thunder far off in the distance.
It woke me up only to find you not beside me.
I was startled at first, and then I saw you.
The sheer curtains were gently blowing in,
And the soft morning light caressed your face with beauty.
We shared our bodies and love last night,
And yet I find the gentle touch of your hand
Has not only defined the essence of you,
But has touched the core of my being.
The soft light bathes you as from a magic spell.
Various shades and textures pour all about,
Every feature is transformed in a painting
That would defy the most gifted of artists.
My life has changed through your love for me,
A clarity and purpose in life have now been defined.
Dreams in time will become realities,
And a life together makes my heart ache with love for you.
I sit and ponder what it is I love about you so much.
I can never put my finger on any one little thing...
Maybe that is just as well, besides,
You are showing me new and wonderful things every day.
I have kissed your incredible lips a thousand times,
And every time I do, it's as though it were the first time.
How could a simple kiss send me on a journey
Where my consciouness meets my soul?
Looking into your eyes has taken me to places
That love talks about, yet doesn't explain.
Maybe that's for the best,
As it will always make us keep coming back.
I can see you with a clarity and vision of past and present.
You sure loved to dance in that field of daisies.
I studied you for the longest time,
Watching a child's dance of love and joy.
Well, years have gone by and time has been a friend,
A woman I love, and life spent together.
My heart always aches, as it is full of love for you,
As I know I will always be by your side.
I run my hands against your face
Your features
Like a professional climber
On a mountainous terrain
I seem to remember
With my fingers
I climb every curve and cranny
Towards your majestic summit
At a most cautious pace
I dare not look down
For fear that some slip of uncertainty of you
In me would be found
Until finally I come to an abrupt end
Standing still I feel the gentle wind
Wrapping itself around me
You catch my fall
You give me your hand
You say 'trust me'
This is no stranger at all
But the arms of my friend
Together we reach the top
Then climbing down
My adventure with you
Starts all over again
2
I can see you everywhere,
And yet you are nowhere.
I feel your breath on my neck,
Your warm lips pressed against mine,
But when i reach out to you
You aren't there.
Can it be my imagination?
How can you be so real?
Maybe you live inside me,
A piece of your soul,
But our bodies do not know each other.
I dream of the day we will meet.
The overwhelming feelings,
Bursting at the seams.
You are my true love,
My destiny.
Until we meet,
I will hold you in my heart.
And pray you will soon find me.
3
Come sit by my side for a spell.
This old rocking chair is plenty big.
Well, I hope you have missed me today,
As all I have done is think of you.
I've been wanting to put my arms around you,
Maybe pull you against me so tight,
To run my fingers throught your hair,
And watch as it softly falls through my hands.
I have such wonderful thoughts of you.
There was a thunderstorm early this morning.
Soft gray clouds came rolling in,
The sound of thunder far off in the distance.
It woke me up only to find you not beside me.
I was startled at first, and then I saw you.
The sheer curtains were gently blowing in,
And the soft morning light caressed your face with beauty.
We shared our bodies and love last night,
And yet I find the gentle touch of your hand
Has not only defined the essence of you,
But has touched the core of my being.
The soft light bathes you as from a magic spell.
Various shades and textures pour all about,
Every feature is transformed in a painting
That would defy the most gifted of artists.
My life has changed through your love for me,
A clarity and purpose in life have now been defined.
Dreams in time will become realities,
And a life together makes my heart ache with love for you.
I sit and ponder what it is I love about you so much.
I can never put my finger on any one little thing...
Maybe that is just as well, besides,
You are showing me new and wonderful things every day.
I have kissed your incredible lips a thousand times,
And every time I do, it's as though it were the first time.
How could a simple kiss send me on a journey
Where my consciouness meets my soul?
Looking into your eyes has taken me to places
That love talks about, yet doesn't explain.
Maybe that's for the best,
As it will always make us keep coming back.
I can see you with a clarity and vision of past and present.
You sure loved to dance in that field of daisies.
I studied you for the longest time,
Watching a child's dance of love and joy.
Well, years have gone by and time has been a friend,
A woman I love, and life spent together.
My heart always aches, as it is full of love for you,
As I know I will always be by your side.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
POETRY: I NEVER REALIZED HOW LOVE FELT UNTIL I GOT WITH YOU
I never realized how love felt until I got with you.
Love is an amazing thing.
Love can turn your life around,
especially when you're with someone like you.
Love can make you feel some crazy things
you've never felt before.
I realize I'm in love,
I can't be without you for a minute,
I think about you all the time,
I do things with you
that I wouldn't do with anyone else in my life.
I care for you more than anyone else,
and you're the only person I want to marry.
You're the only person I want to wake up to every day
and kiss good morning.
You're the person I want to go to bed with,
no one but you.
2
Always wondering who's going to be the true love for me
who will be the one who loves me
i know now that you were meant to be mine
we are true love that lots of people can't find
i loved you from the first time i laid my eyes upon you
your first kiss, your first touch, our first time together meant so much
Sitting here now trying to write this poem,
you mean so much to me; you're my everything
there are no words that can explain how much i love you
today, tomorrow, each and every day.
3
I glance upon your face,
with sweet, undying grace;
Your hair of golden brown,
does well to hold your crown.
Endless beauty, steadfast as it shines-
IO through noon and night-
you'll be forever mine
in dark and in the light
Love is an amazing thing.
Love can turn your life around,
especially when you're with someone like you.
Love can make you feel some crazy things
you've never felt before.
I realize I'm in love,
I can't be without you for a minute,
I think about you all the time,
I do things with you
that I wouldn't do with anyone else in my life.
I care for you more than anyone else,
and you're the only person I want to marry.
You're the only person I want to wake up to every day
and kiss good morning.
You're the person I want to go to bed with,
no one but you.
2
Always wondering who's going to be the true love for me
who will be the one who loves me
i know now that you were meant to be mine
we are true love that lots of people can't find
i loved you from the first time i laid my eyes upon you
your first kiss, your first touch, our first time together meant so much
Sitting here now trying to write this poem,
you mean so much to me; you're my everything
there are no words that can explain how much i love you
today, tomorrow, each and every day.
3
I glance upon your face,
with sweet, undying grace;
Your hair of golden brown,
does well to hold your crown.
Endless beauty, steadfast as it shines-
IO through noon and night-
you'll be forever mine
in dark and in the light
Monday, September 8, 2014
JOURNAL:
I brought new glasses this weekend from Lencrafter. I look like Clark Kent. These are the second pair now. I am having pressure sore marks on nose.
I also received my scanner from Amazon. It is fast and amazing and small.
I have reach a point where I am beginning to realize that my approach to finding the one isn't working. I need to try something different..I don't know what it is.I am still trying to figure that one out. I don't know what to do
POETRY: I LOVE YOU
Watching my life go by
Remembering young innocent days
Not knowing how I got here
I've grown so fast
I don't know what's coming next
Who will I give my love to
Who will I spend my life with
How long will I live
Why am I me; why am I not you
There's nothing to seek
I'm going crazy
I just want to know what's next
What's going to happen tomarrow
Am I going to find him
Am I going to die
Where am I going to be
Who's going to be there with me
I just want to know what's next
What's next for me in this life
Who knows if I don't
2
If the words I speak could make you laugh,
I'd talk forever.
If my embrace could make you feel secured,
I'd embrace you forever.
If understanding you could make us closer,
I'd listen to you forever.
If holding your hand could make you tingly inside,
I'd hold your hand forever.
If your eyes are the windows to your soul,
I'd stare into them forever.
If a simple kiss could make you glow,
I'd kiss you forever.
If the compliments I whisper in your ear makes you feel beautiful,
I'd whisper those words to you forever.
If the way I touch you makes u feel wanted,
I'd caress you forever.
If talking to you, and embracing you,
And listening to you, and holding you,
And staring into your eyes, and kissing you,
And whispering compliments to you, and caressing you
Could make you feel my love,
I'd willingly do all those things forever.
And if someone asks me how much I love you,
I'd say, "So much, it would last forever.
3
I look into your eyes, I'm falling
Into you. I'm soaring
In the azure sky
In places and ways
I never thought possible before.
I touch your skin
An electric tingle thrills me,
I'm hectic
As I wish your touch
Would linger on me forever.
I smell your scent
the fluttering wings
Of butterflies tremble in my stomach,
As I long to immerse myself
In all of you.
Each little thing about you
Makes the thought of life
Without you,
Seems as unthinkable
As eagles that have never flown.
4
How I long to be lost in your arms
After a long day with you entwined,
Within my every word.
My mind can't wait another second
To be with you.
For my heart keeps driving it
Close to insanity,
For it misses you so.
But only time seems
To stand between us.
For the distance
Can be easily conquered,
But time has to pass by
On its own.
So all I can do
Till it passes me by,
Is to live in the memory
Of the past night.
When I held you in my arms
Whispering every word,
My heart spoke
About how much
It had missed you
Every second
That I was away.
But as time passed
It slowly brought me torment,
Leaving my mind lusting after
Every lady that walked by.
Causing me to sin
Against you.
Trying to make me
Break the bond
That lay between us.
Luckily my heart knew
Where it truly belonged
And it was with you.
Time came close
To breaking the bond
But it failed.
For it ran out,
So I?ll always be yours
As long as you're mine.
5
You are the passion
that is burning bright,
You are the star
that shines all night.
I want to hold you
and keep you near,
when you are around
I'll show no fear.
You are always on my mind,
I want to love you
all the time.
Our love resides
in a special place,
it makes my heart
know not to race.
I will tell you
the truth today,
my love for you
is here to stay.
6
i loved you...
not for the face's beauty you hold
but for the the beauty you kept within
and then, i needed you...
i loved you...
not for the money you spent
but for the wealth within your heart
and then, i needed you...
i loved you...
not for the elegant dress you wore
but for the mask you took off to the world
and then, i needed you...
i love you...
not for the times when you were still here
but because you left me still loving you
and now, i need you....
Remembering young innocent days
Not knowing how I got here
I've grown so fast
I don't know what's coming next
Who will I give my love to
Who will I spend my life with
How long will I live
Why am I me; why am I not you
There's nothing to seek
I'm going crazy
I just want to know what's next
What's going to happen tomarrow
Am I going to find him
Am I going to die
Where am I going to be
Who's going to be there with me
I just want to know what's next
What's next for me in this life
Who knows if I don't
2
If the words I speak could make you laugh,
I'd talk forever.
If my embrace could make you feel secured,
I'd embrace you forever.
If understanding you could make us closer,
I'd listen to you forever.
If holding your hand could make you tingly inside,
I'd hold your hand forever.
If your eyes are the windows to your soul,
I'd stare into them forever.
If a simple kiss could make you glow,
I'd kiss you forever.
If the compliments I whisper in your ear makes you feel beautiful,
I'd whisper those words to you forever.
If the way I touch you makes u feel wanted,
I'd caress you forever.
If talking to you, and embracing you,
And listening to you, and holding you,
And staring into your eyes, and kissing you,
And whispering compliments to you, and caressing you
Could make you feel my love,
I'd willingly do all those things forever.
And if someone asks me how much I love you,
I'd say, "So much, it would last forever.
3
I look into your eyes, I'm falling
Into you. I'm soaring
In the azure sky
In places and ways
I never thought possible before.
I touch your skin
An electric tingle thrills me,
I'm hectic
As I wish your touch
Would linger on me forever.
I smell your scent
the fluttering wings
Of butterflies tremble in my stomach,
As I long to immerse myself
In all of you.
Each little thing about you
Makes the thought of life
Without you,
Seems as unthinkable
As eagles that have never flown.
4
How I long to be lost in your arms
After a long day with you entwined,
Within my every word.
My mind can't wait another second
To be with you.
For my heart keeps driving it
Close to insanity,
For it misses you so.
But only time seems
To stand between us.
For the distance
Can be easily conquered,
But time has to pass by
On its own.
So all I can do
Till it passes me by,
Is to live in the memory
Of the past night.
When I held you in my arms
Whispering every word,
My heart spoke
About how much
It had missed you
Every second
That I was away.
But as time passed
It slowly brought me torment,
Leaving my mind lusting after
Every lady that walked by.
Causing me to sin
Against you.
Trying to make me
Break the bond
That lay between us.
Luckily my heart knew
Where it truly belonged
And it was with you.
Time came close
To breaking the bond
But it failed.
For it ran out,
So I?ll always be yours
As long as you're mine.
5
You are the passion
that is burning bright,
You are the star
that shines all night.
I want to hold you
and keep you near,
when you are around
I'll show no fear.
You are always on my mind,
I want to love you
all the time.
Our love resides
in a special place,
it makes my heart
know not to race.
I will tell you
the truth today,
my love for you
is here to stay.
6
i loved you...
not for the face's beauty you hold
but for the the beauty you kept within
and then, i needed you...
i loved you...
not for the money you spent
but for the wealth within your heart
and then, i needed you...
i loved you...
not for the elegant dress you wore
but for the mask you took off to the world
and then, i needed you...
i love you...
not for the times when you were still here
but because you left me still loving you
and now, i need you....
Friday, September 5, 2014
LOVE LETTER: ALL I WANT IS YOU
Why must I feel this way? I am a man of many torments,some of which I cannot describe. There are certain things missing, such as my love. Without her I am not who I am supposed to be. Every day I question, does she feel the same as I? Does she love me as much as I love her? And with every thought I die! I have died so many times, that I don't know if I die again, if that will be the final.Sometimes I feel as if that would be the best thing. I would miss everyone, but this pain I would not. Just as long as I may take the love I have. I would be in a better place. My heart stays with her, and she shall keep it. I no longer have any use for it. I love her! And my heart is a symbol of that, so that she may never forget me, and forever know, I will always be with her!
All I want is... to love you for the rest of my life... waking up every morning nestled in your arms... snuggling you tight as I close my drowsy eyes for the night... throughout the day thoughts of you dance in my mind... bringing a smile to my face... warming my heart... anticipating your arrival home... waiting to embrace you... All I want is... to share everything with you... our hopes... dreams...our future... sharing... the little things... things that make us laugh... and the not so little things that we can't help but to worry about... All I want is... to continue giving you my complete love... and nothing less... being your sanctuary from the storm... a place you can come to for comfort and acceptance... being a good listener... hopefully always using discernment... knowing there will be times when I just need to remain silent... but too knowing the things left unspoken can still be understood...All I want is... to raise our children... fulfill our dreams... watch as our life unfolds... spoil our grandchildren... and grow old together...All I want is..You
All I want is... to love you for the rest of my life... waking up every morning nestled in your arms... snuggling you tight as I close my drowsy eyes for the night... throughout the day thoughts of you dance in my mind... bringing a smile to my face... warming my heart... anticipating your arrival home... waiting to embrace you... All I want is... to share everything with you... our hopes... dreams...our future... sharing... the little things... things that make us laugh... and the not so little things that we can't help but to worry about... All I want is... to continue giving you my complete love... and nothing less... being your sanctuary from the storm... a place you can come to for comfort and acceptance... being a good listener... hopefully always using discernment... knowing there will be times when I just need to remain silent... but too knowing the things left unspoken can still be understood...All I want is... to raise our children... fulfill our dreams... watch as our life unfolds... spoil our grandchildren... and grow old together...All I want is..You
POETRY: YOUR KISS
My passion for thee burns bright,
Like a torch set to fire in the night,
I know I can give thee what thy heart desires,
For my passion for thee burns like a fire.
Oh how I?m yearning,
This passion is burning.
My heart is racing,
For your embracing.
This flame won?t subside,
All these feelings trapped inside.
You?re the one I desire,
Won?t you settle my inner fire?
2
my heart captured by your embrace...love stolen by ur sweet grace. if i was breathing i didn't know...i was lost in you from the very depths of my soul. when our lips met that night...i felt like taken flight. mind soaring through the crisp night air...my feet were weightless as if nothing were there. that split moment,when our lips touched, my spirit passed me like a cool damp mist...forever in a kiss
Magic of a kiss,
no words to
describe.
Holding her
close, her soft
lips, touching
mine.
My heart feeling
warm, my mind
moving fast,
wishing our kiss
could last and last.
Magic of a kiss,
no words to
... describe
Like a torch set to fire in the night,
I know I can give thee what thy heart desires,
For my passion for thee burns like a fire.
Oh how I?m yearning,
This passion is burning.
My heart is racing,
For your embracing.
This flame won?t subside,
All these feelings trapped inside.
You?re the one I desire,
Won?t you settle my inner fire?
2
my heart captured by your embrace...love stolen by ur sweet grace. if i was breathing i didn't know...i was lost in you from the very depths of my soul. when our lips met that night...i felt like taken flight. mind soaring through the crisp night air...my feet were weightless as if nothing were there. that split moment,when our lips touched, my spirit passed me like a cool damp mist...forever in a kiss
Magic of a kiss,
no words to
describe.
Holding her
close, her soft
lips, touching
mine.
My heart feeling
warm, my mind
moving fast,
wishing our kiss
could last and last.
Magic of a kiss,
no words to
... describe
JOURNAL: AM I GOOD ENOUGH?
Beside my parents and sister, only one other woman really truly loved me.Most of the other, including my ex wife have ever loved me. They’ve liked me a gosh-darn awful lot, but boy-oh-boy do they not want to pull out those three little words.
I think I’m lovable. Both in my innate humanness and in my adult life. I have my shit together.I know I am not owed love. Most women imagine that they're going to be blown away by someone, literally knocked off their feet by a guy straight out of a GQl. But other times, women just don't find your personality intriguing enough. They might like YOU — being around you, going out to dinner with you, sleeping with you, having brunch with you the next day. But they don't necessarily find themselves fully engaged and interested in who you really are.
It's a little rare, to find someone who loves you so much that she just loves to talk, talk, talk with you for hours. Plenty of woman will want to form a "fun little team" with you, particularly if you're smart and highly evolved and you have your shit together..
Don't I deserve something, beyond falling right in line with the other perfect, shiny guys who deserve doting wife? Don't I deserve a bigger, brighter existence than the ones they might be perfectly satisfied with?
The lack of spark within me comes from the conflict between WHO I AM TRYING TO BE and WHAT I REALLY WANT FOR MYSELF. I want more. I act like I don't want more,I act like I am satisfied, but in fact, I want a lot more.
I used to date women who were obsessed with their creative projects. After a while, I realized that I didn't want THEM. I wanted to BE them. I thought being close to that energy might be enough. I thought that being loved by someone who was willing to give herself completely to the creative process was enough. I met a musician once who was consumed by her creations. I put her on a pedestal. I had so much crazy lust for her..she was so HOT, it was almost stupid. But it wasn't her — I hardly knew her — it was her focus, her total involvement and belief in what she did, that made me crazy. I was her looks. I wanted to have that kind of passion for myself. I SHOULD'VE BEEN CHERISHED. I refused to cherish myself. It was easier to pretend that all of that magic and passion belonged to someone else, and that I had to ask permission to get a little taste of it.
It's time to forget about being lovable. And in fact, it's time to forsake someone else's idea of what gives you a spark or no spark. No more audience. I am the cherished and the cherisher. I am the eminently lovable and the lover. I am the million brilliant sparks, flashing against a midnight sky. Fuck "good" partners. Fuck waiting to be let in. I am already in. I am in.f.
I stop wondering if I am lovable. Fuck asking someone else, "Am I there yet?" Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. I am not going to grow up to be one of those men with a perpetual question mark etched into my brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough?
I have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today.
I think I’m lovable. Both in my innate humanness and in my adult life. I have my shit together.I know I am not owed love. Most women imagine that they're going to be blown away by someone, literally knocked off their feet by a guy straight out of a GQl. But other times, women just don't find your personality intriguing enough. They might like YOU — being around you, going out to dinner with you, sleeping with you, having brunch with you the next day. But they don't necessarily find themselves fully engaged and interested in who you really are.
It's a little rare, to find someone who loves you so much that she just loves to talk, talk, talk with you for hours. Plenty of woman will want to form a "fun little team" with you, particularly if you're smart and highly evolved and you have your shit together..
I SHOULD BE CHERISHED.
I got some colorful markers, and I wrote those words 50 times, on the same page. I SHOULD BE cherished. I should be cherished. I. Should. Be. Cherished.
In the past...I didn't cherish myself. I would do whatever what's-her-face wants to do, for the sake of the fun little team, for the sake of demonstrating your good communication skills. I would cherishing her, and cherishing sanity, BUT I WASN'T CHERISHING ME.
I got some colorful markers, and I wrote those words 50 times, on the same page. I SHOULD BE cherished. I should be cherished. I. Should. Be. Cherished.
In the past...I didn't cherish myself. I would do whatever what's-her-face wants to do, for the sake of the fun little team, for the sake of demonstrating your good communication skills. I would cherishing her, and cherishing sanity, BUT I WASN'T CHERISHING ME.
Don't I deserve something, beyond falling right in line with the other perfect, shiny guys who deserve doting wife? Don't I deserve a bigger, brighter existence than the ones they might be perfectly satisfied with?
The lack of spark within me comes from the conflict between WHO I AM TRYING TO BE and WHAT I REALLY WANT FOR MYSELF. I want more. I act like I don't want more,I act like I am satisfied, but in fact, I want a lot more.
I used to date women who were obsessed with their creative projects. After a while, I realized that I didn't want THEM. I wanted to BE them. I thought being close to that energy might be enough. I thought that being loved by someone who was willing to give herself completely to the creative process was enough. I met a musician once who was consumed by her creations. I put her on a pedestal. I had so much crazy lust for her..she was so HOT, it was almost stupid. But it wasn't her — I hardly knew her — it was her focus, her total involvement and belief in what she did, that made me crazy. I was her looks. I wanted to have that kind of passion for myself. I SHOULD'VE BEEN CHERISHED. I refused to cherish myself. It was easier to pretend that all of that magic and passion belonged to someone else, and that I had to ask permission to get a little taste of it.
It's time to forget about being lovable. And in fact, it's time to forsake someone else's idea of what gives you a spark or no spark. No more audience. I am the cherished and the cherisher. I am the eminently lovable and the lover. I am the million brilliant sparks, flashing against a midnight sky. Fuck "good" partners. Fuck waiting to be let in. I am already in. I am in.f.
I stop wondering if I am lovable. Fuck asking someone else, "Am I there yet?" Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. I am not going to grow up to be one of those men with a perpetual question mark etched into my brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough?
I have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
PERSONAL: BEING THANKFUL THAT I MET YOU
It will be strange at first. I would ask you out on a date after meeting you online.You will never have to wonder with me I will pick you up right on time, and you will slide into the front seat of my car and we’ll make small talk and I’ll smile
During dinner I’ll nervously play with my food, wondering if you find me attractive.When the check comes, we’ll fight over it, but in the end, I end up paying We’ll continue to see each other, and you’ll always make me laugh. You’ll pay attention to me, and send me a “good morning” text each day. You’ll leave me awake at night, giant smile plastered to my face, trying to accept the fact that it’s happening again, that I’m getting that feeling I thought I had lost forever.
You’ll ask me to be your boyfriend, and I’ll say yes. We’ll change our relationship statuses on Facebook and I’ll smile whenever I get a new message from you. You’ll continue to surprise me with interesting date ideas, and we’ll spend nights curled up on your bed, watching Netflix and talking about our childhoods. I’ll tell you about my worst fears, and I wonder how you’ll handle them, how’ll you tackle diffusing them.
We’ll sleep together for the first time and I’ll be nervous. You’ll do everything in your power to make sure I’m not but I will be — it’s inevitable. It will be strange — not un-enjoyable, but different. It will be different loving you You’ll teach me to love loving you.
You’ll become my best friend and I’ll become yours. I’ll tell you everything, and slowly, things will remind me of you. I’ll have the urge to constantly let you know what’s on my mind, and you’ll love it. You’ll do the same. Soon we’ll have a favorite restaurant, favorite movies, favorite songs. We’ll have routines, and you’ll become familiar to me. You’ll become home.
Slowly, you’ll become my person, and I’ll love you unconditionally, and I’ll look back to the way I feel now, and realize how silly I was for worrying I’ll never find love again. You’ll make me realize that a broken heart can’t stay broken forever. You’ll be the one that glues the pieces back together, and I’ll be thankful I met you
During dinner I’ll nervously play with my food, wondering if you find me attractive.When the check comes, we’ll fight over it, but in the end, I end up paying We’ll continue to see each other, and you’ll always make me laugh. You’ll pay attention to me, and send me a “good morning” text each day. You’ll leave me awake at night, giant smile plastered to my face, trying to accept the fact that it’s happening again, that I’m getting that feeling I thought I had lost forever.
You’ll ask me to be your boyfriend, and I’ll say yes. We’ll change our relationship statuses on Facebook and I’ll smile whenever I get a new message from you. You’ll continue to surprise me with interesting date ideas, and we’ll spend nights curled up on your bed, watching Netflix and talking about our childhoods. I’ll tell you about my worst fears, and I wonder how you’ll handle them, how’ll you tackle diffusing them.
We’ll sleep together for the first time and I’ll be nervous. You’ll do everything in your power to make sure I’m not but I will be — it’s inevitable. It will be strange — not un-enjoyable, but different. It will be different loving you You’ll teach me to love loving you.
You’ll become my best friend and I’ll become yours. I’ll tell you everything, and slowly, things will remind me of you. I’ll have the urge to constantly let you know what’s on my mind, and you’ll love it. You’ll do the same. Soon we’ll have a favorite restaurant, favorite movies, favorite songs. We’ll have routines, and you’ll become familiar to me. You’ll become home.
Slowly, you’ll become my person, and I’ll love you unconditionally, and I’ll look back to the way I feel now, and realize how silly I was for worrying I’ll never find love again. You’ll make me realize that a broken heart can’t stay broken forever. You’ll be the one that glues the pieces back together, and I’ll be thankful I met you
POETRY: I FOUND YOU
Love lasts forever~
It does not change with the passing of seasons~
Nor does it fall away like leaves of a tree before a long winter~
But stays rooted deeply within~
Love is intended to endure~solid as a rock~
It should not be shaken~
It should not exist for the soul purpose of gain~
But given freely from one heart in love with another~
Love, everlasting love~
Whose origin must come from heaven above~
A god sent reminder of what true caring is all about~
The gift of all gifts~
Priceless~
True love.
2
The very thought of you
lifts my spirit and helps me endure through the harsh day.
The very sight of you
drives me crazy and emotionally insane.
The very scent of you
takes me to paradise where you and I exist as one.
The very sense of you
fills the dull and lifeless surroundings with magic and beauty.
The very sound of you
lights up my little red heart with tenderness and pure delight.
The eye contact we make, unbelievably astonishing!
Embraced by your ambiguous beauty,
Seduced by your nonchalant actions,
Manipulated by your sexual sensuality,
Girl, your entire being makes me want to say,
I love you...
3
Somebody must have left open the gates of heaven
Because I see an angel before me
I know she's an angel
because she brought a piece of heaven with her.
I know it's a piece of heaven
because there can be no greater place.
A place by a clear water bed
Where the sun sets on the horizon
still, with the glimpse of it's golden light
And the moon comes out to light the evening
with the beautiful sparkling stars
that shine off the river like a mirror
A warm breeze rolls in as I look at that angel.
Oh how I adore her golden hair, soft skin, heavenly eyes.
I placed my hand over hers, grasping, never to release.
I leaned over to have her soft velvet lips touch mine.
That moment I knew, I knew this was heaven,
and I did not want to leave.
I placed the angel in my arms and whispered into her ear,
"I hold you and never let go."
As I said that she looked up at me
and said with a Heavenly echo,
"Don't let me go, this is where I want to be,
here... now... with you."
4
I have found you
in the cold of
a December's night
Among the frosty
shadows of a
monastic tower
In the long nights
of eternal cold
In the windy corridors of
gothic gloom
Here I found you my love
Where least
to expect it
I have found you
in the pink haze
of a Spring evening
In the long valley
of hidden veils
Here, among the
shadowy poplars
Tranquil and pale
in a pillared palace
Yes, here I found you
in that splendor of
an ancient culture
Here I found you
again my love
I have found you
in the summer orange
sky
Your softness glistening
in the sun's dying kiss
The heat sizzling as you
glided enchantingly
in a dream of purple dusk,
the sound of surf sighing
relentlessly
In a whisper, a caress
breathing deeply
of the salty night air
Here,
we consummated
our beginning in
endless loving
It does not change with the passing of seasons~
Nor does it fall away like leaves of a tree before a long winter~
But stays rooted deeply within~
Love is intended to endure~solid as a rock~
It should not be shaken~
It should not exist for the soul purpose of gain~
But given freely from one heart in love with another~
Love, everlasting love~
Whose origin must come from heaven above~
A god sent reminder of what true caring is all about~
The gift of all gifts~
Priceless~
True love.
2
The very thought of you
lifts my spirit and helps me endure through the harsh day.
The very sight of you
drives me crazy and emotionally insane.
The very scent of you
takes me to paradise where you and I exist as one.
The very sense of you
fills the dull and lifeless surroundings with magic and beauty.
The very sound of you
lights up my little red heart with tenderness and pure delight.
The eye contact we make, unbelievably astonishing!
Embraced by your ambiguous beauty,
Seduced by your nonchalant actions,
Manipulated by your sexual sensuality,
Girl, your entire being makes me want to say,
I love you...
3
Somebody must have left open the gates of heaven
Because I see an angel before me
I know she's an angel
because she brought a piece of heaven with her.
I know it's a piece of heaven
because there can be no greater place.
A place by a clear water bed
Where the sun sets on the horizon
still, with the glimpse of it's golden light
And the moon comes out to light the evening
with the beautiful sparkling stars
that shine off the river like a mirror
A warm breeze rolls in as I look at that angel.
Oh how I adore her golden hair, soft skin, heavenly eyes.
I placed my hand over hers, grasping, never to release.
I leaned over to have her soft velvet lips touch mine.
That moment I knew, I knew this was heaven,
and I did not want to leave.
I placed the angel in my arms and whispered into her ear,
"I hold you and never let go."
As I said that she looked up at me
and said with a Heavenly echo,
"Don't let me go, this is where I want to be,
here... now... with you."
4
I have found you
in the cold of
a December's night
Among the frosty
shadows of a
monastic tower
In the long nights
of eternal cold
In the windy corridors of
gothic gloom
Here I found you my love
Where least
to expect it
I have found you
in the pink haze
of a Spring evening
In the long valley
of hidden veils
Here, among the
shadowy poplars
Tranquil and pale
in a pillared palace
Yes, here I found you
in that splendor of
an ancient culture
Here I found you
again my love
I have found you
in the summer orange
sky
Your softness glistening
in the sun's dying kiss
The heat sizzling as you
glided enchantingly
in a dream of purple dusk,
the sound of surf sighing
relentlessly
In a whisper, a caress
breathing deeply
of the salty night air
Here,
we consummated
our beginning in
endless loving
SEX: WHEN YOU CUM ON A WOMAN'S FACE
Having a sticky substance in the face seems like a questionable pleasure. However, a woman taking her lover’s semen in her face can have a strong arousing effect, It’s a sign of male dominion. A woman covered with a man’s seed is a sign that he owned her in that instant and will always own her from that moment on. Later she can wash the evidences out of her, but the invisible brand will be there for the rest of their lives. In her memory. In his memory too. The memory of her covered in his seed. The volume. The strong smell of his fluids closer to her nose. The warmness in her face. The submissive feelings she experienced (or the dominant feelings in his case) while she waited for the first squirt and after he has finished.
Some women do it because they like to feel submissive. Some women do it because they like the sluttish sensations it causes in them. Many women only do it because their lover wants to and they want to please him. Indulging in his desires is a form of submission nonetheless.
Some women do it because they like to feel submissive. Some women do it because they like the sluttish sensations it causes in them. Many women only do it because their lover wants to and they want to please him. Indulging in his desires is a form of submission nonetheless.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
JOURNAL: A CLASSMATE OF MINE DIED TODAY...ANDREW MADOFF
Andrew Madoff was a classmate of mine.(He is the son of Bernie Madoff,,,,,,you remember him with his Ponzi scheme)... He died today...from battling mantle cell lymphoma. He was rich even then.....and had the hottest woman in his arm. He wasn't nice to me in high school...in fact he was a bully. This is just another example of how the universe has balance. The pain you cause other comes back to you years later.
LOVE LETTER: MY LOVE IS YOUR MEDICINE
Love is the medicine that heals the broken soul. I am a doctor...let my love inside, let it flow and make you whole. Let it inside, to heal, guide, and protect your mind will rejoice, your heart won't object. Don't keep it to yourself, not sharing it, ashamed for anyone knows- a lonely heart can't be tamed. When the night falls darker than ever before...my love will find you and let you cry no more When the storm rages, bringing unwelcome fears.. call on my love to dry the thundering tears You ask me how I know and all these things I'm sure of because I have faith and hope in everlasting love.
My love, on this trek to your heart I have sojourned with many lonely souls but none could rival the intense desire I have burning within my heart to be by your side. Not one among the lot comprehended my sequestered heart as it remained hidden from sight only craving the nearness of your own. As I traversed the many expanses to your heart I found myself in a hermetic trance removed from this cold world as your luminous splendor guided my way. Had it not been for your marvelous light I fear I would have fallen as every expanse became more treacherous and each river raged in horrific fury. Remaining undaunted in my quest as passion raged from the depths of my very existence, I pressed on knowing in my heart this life as brief as it is would not present itself to me in this fashion again. Hold fast, my love, as I withstand this iniquitous world and combat my way to the throne of your heart for I know therein I shall possess my rightful placeas our love is never meant
to be denied
My love, on this trek to your heart I have sojourned with many lonely souls but none could rival the intense desire I have burning within my heart to be by your side. Not one among the lot comprehended my sequestered heart as it remained hidden from sight only craving the nearness of your own. As I traversed the many expanses to your heart I found myself in a hermetic trance removed from this cold world as your luminous splendor guided my way. Had it not been for your marvelous light I fear I would have fallen as every expanse became more treacherous and each river raged in horrific fury. Remaining undaunted in my quest as passion raged from the depths of my very existence, I pressed on knowing in my heart this life as brief as it is would not present itself to me in this fashion again. Hold fast, my love, as I withstand this iniquitous world and combat my way to the throne of your heart for I know therein I shall possess my rightful placeas our love is never meant
to be denied
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