JOURNAL: AM I GOOD ENOUGH?

Beside my parents and sister, only one other woman really truly loved me.Most of the other, including my ex wife have ever loved me. They’ve liked me a gosh-darn awful lot, but boy-oh-boy do they not want to pull out those three little words.

I think I’m lovable. Both in my innate humanness and in my adult life. I have my shit together.I know I am not owed love. Most women imagine that they're going to be blown away by someone, literally knocked off their feet by a guy straight out of a GQl. But other times, women just don't find your personality intriguing enough. They might like YOU — being around you, going out to dinner with you, sleeping with you, having brunch with you the next day. But they don't necessarily find themselves fully engaged and interested in who you really are.

It's a little rare, to find someone who loves you so much that she just loves to talk, talk, talk with you for hours. Plenty of woman will want to form a "fun little team" with you, particularly if you're smart and highly evolved and you have your shit together..

I SHOULD BE CHERISHED.

I got some colorful markers, and I wrote those words 50 times, on the same page. I SHOULD BE cherished. I should be cherished. I. Should. Be. Cherished.

In the past...I didn't  cherish myself. I would do whatever what's-her-face wants to do, for the sake of the fun little team, for the sake of demonstrating your good communication skills. I would cherishing her, and cherishing sanity, BUT I WASN'T CHERISHING ME.

Don't I deserve something, beyond falling right in line with the other perfect, shiny guys who deserve doting wife? Don't I deserve a bigger, brighter existence than the ones they might be perfectly satisfied with?

The lack of spark within me comes from the conflict between WHO I AM TRYING  TO BE and WHAT I  REALLY WANT FOR MYSELF. I want more. I act like I don't want more,I act like I am satisfied, but in fact, I want a lot more.

I used to date women who were obsessed with their creative projects. After a while, I realized that I didn't want THEM. I wanted to BE them. I thought being close to that energy might be enough. I thought that being loved by someone who was willing to give herself completely to the creative process was enough. I met a musician once who was consumed by her creations. I put her on a pedestal. I had so much crazy lust for her..she was so HOT, it was almost stupid. But it wasn't her — I hardly knew her — it was her focus, her total involvement and belief in what she did, that made me crazy. I was her looks. I wanted to have that kind of passion for myself. I SHOULD'VE BEEN CHERISHED. I refused to cherish myself. It was easier to pretend that all of that magic and passion belonged to someone else, and that I had to ask permission to get a little taste of it.

It's time to forget about being lovable. And in fact, it's time to forsake someone else's idea of what gives you a spark or no spark.  No more audience. I am the cherished and the cherisher. I am  the eminently lovable and the lover. I am the million brilliant sparks, flashing against a midnight sky.  Fuck "good" partners. Fuck waiting to be let in. I am already in. I am  in.f.

I stop wondering if I am lovable. Fuck asking someone else, "Am I there yet?" Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. I am not going to grow up to be one of those men with a perpetual question mark etched into my brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough?

I have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today.