Don’t hang out with me if you’re going to end up leaving in the end
Don’t come to my bedroom and then leave me there
Don’t compliment me if you’re using the same lines on dozens of other guys
Don’t text me for all day and then ignore me forever
Don’t make me fall for you if you’re going to call me OCPD as soon as I get attached to you.
Don’t kiss me if you’re going to leave me wanting more
Don’t act like you really like me and then leave my life
Don’t make promises to me that you’re never going to follow through on.
Don’t tell me how much you love me and then leave.
Don’t act like you want me to be your boyfriend if you’re planning on sleeping with me and then leaving.
Don’t lothing you’ve ever seen when you think we’re better off as friends.
Don’t lead me on and then let me know that you’re already in a relationship with someone else.
Don’t tell me that I mean something to you when I’m clearly not one of your priorities.
Don’t make me trust you and then break my heart.
Don’t tell me that you love me if you don’t understand what the word actually means.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
JOURNAL: BREAKING DOWN MY WALLS
There was always a problem with every relationship: The girl couldn't commit; she has problem with having a stable job, she was trying to "find herself"; not giving enough, not sexual enough—the list went on and on. Obviously, I was picking the "wrong" people, whether or not I was conscious of it. I remember endlessly complaining about dating to my friends.
Of course, the problem was not with the woman—it was with me and my beliefs about relationships. It wasn’t until I realized this that I could begin examining these thoughts and how they were holding me back.
If I was "myself" around a girl I liked, I would be rejected. My fear of rejection during my 20s was so acute that I never knew how to be my warm and engaging self around woman. Whenever I was around someone I liked, I immediately became guarded, cold, and withdrawn. It was totally unconscious. In fact, I was really friendly and open but found out from friends that the opposite is what came across in my interactions. I wanted people to see me as strong and independent. Anything to avoid seeming lonely or needy. But the truth was that I was pushing down my real self—funny, chatty, warm, somewhat neurotic (but somewhat charming) self. My fear was shutting me down. I knew I was afraid of rejection—but there was more. Was I not good enough, special enough, handsome enough, rich enough, smart enough? Deep down I knew that these worries weren’t in line with reality. I began to examine this belief and slowly started to see another possibility. What I realized was that I was attracted to people who were critical, standoffish, and uncomfortable with themselves. But when I let go of my anxiety, I started seeing attractive qualities in different kinds of people.
If I let a woman know I liked her, she would be turned off. Growing up, I’d always believed that woman liked men who were "hard to get." Bad Boys. The converse also seemed true: If I were to let a girl know I liked her, she would think I was lonely, needy, and desperate—which is often how I felt inside. In order to keep myself from revealing insecurities, I played the role of a 100-percent independent man—always busy with work and other plans. The problem was that I was so successful at playing this role that I actually came across as disinterested (I later learned). I never thought about what insecurities anyone else would have because I was so caught up in my own fears.
If I saw qualities I didn't like in someone, then it would be a deal-breaker. I couldn't seem to find anyone who didn't have a few qualities that turned me off. Some of the things I judged so harshly now sound superficial and ridiculous: I hated her glasses; her job was boring; I never laughed at her jokes; I thought her apartment was ugly. These judgments aren’t terrible in and of themselves—but I always took them to be significant, and unforgivable. I knew I was being unreasonable and even felt embarrassed about how crazy-judgmental I was about such small details. That is, until I realized why I was thinking this way. My judgments had become another unconscious tool I had devised to protect me from getting involved with someone. My negative beliefs became my invisible armor. When I eventually realized that these thoughts were trying to keep me safe from vulnerability, they became less powerful.
If I didn't meet someone who had all of the qualities I wanted, I'd be settling. I always had fantasies about the Perfect Person I wanted to meet, have a relationship with, and eventually marry. Weirdly, I always dreamed of finding someone who shared everything in common with me, thinking that the more similar we were, the better our relationship would be. I wanted to meet someone who'd grown up the same way I had, who was about the same age as I was, and who shared all of my interests. I thought this was the meaning of a compatible and long-lasting relationship. Of course, this belief limited the pool of people I could pick from; I was excluding most of the population because of fear—I was trying to keep myself safe. So in order to open myself up to a loving relationship, I had to loosen up my criteria and surprise myself with the types of people I could open up to. This enabled me to connect with my fears and start to change my thoughts.
If I let a girl know I wanted to get married and have kids within a year, she would run away. Like many people, I always (incorrectly) believed that ALLwomen were turned off by commitment. So I consistently pretended: I always presented myself as someone who just wanted a casual relationship, nothing too serious. Yet deep down, I was hoping to find someone who wanted to share their life with me and start a family. My fear of acknowledging and showing "my truth" made me live according to false desires and needs. Eventually, I realized that I was the one afraid of commitment and had to admit that to myself. Instead of exploring the scary reality of my actual desires, I made myself shut down.
I had been protecting myself from my big fears—being in a relationship, having my partner reject me, and ending up alone. So instead of risking that, I relied on my thoughts to keep me from getting involved in a relationship at all. When I finally realized that my fears would actually keep me stuck where I was—alone and fearful—I began to question my thoughts and found evidence to disprove them. I began to take risks, let my guard down, and act like the "real me" even though it was scary at times.
Of course, the problem was not with the woman—it was with me and my beliefs about relationships. It wasn’t until I realized this that I could begin examining these thoughts and how they were holding me back.
If I was "myself" around a girl I liked, I would be rejected. My fear of rejection during my 20s was so acute that I never knew how to be my warm and engaging self around woman. Whenever I was around someone I liked, I immediately became guarded, cold, and withdrawn. It was totally unconscious. In fact, I was really friendly and open but found out from friends that the opposite is what came across in my interactions. I wanted people to see me as strong and independent. Anything to avoid seeming lonely or needy. But the truth was that I was pushing down my real self—funny, chatty, warm, somewhat neurotic (but somewhat charming) self. My fear was shutting me down. I knew I was afraid of rejection—but there was more. Was I not good enough, special enough, handsome enough, rich enough, smart enough? Deep down I knew that these worries weren’t in line with reality. I began to examine this belief and slowly started to see another possibility. What I realized was that I was attracted to people who were critical, standoffish, and uncomfortable with themselves. But when I let go of my anxiety, I started seeing attractive qualities in different kinds of people.
If I let a woman know I liked her, she would be turned off. Growing up, I’d always believed that woman liked men who were "hard to get." Bad Boys. The converse also seemed true: If I were to let a girl know I liked her, she would think I was lonely, needy, and desperate—which is often how I felt inside. In order to keep myself from revealing insecurities, I played the role of a 100-percent independent man—always busy with work and other plans. The problem was that I was so successful at playing this role that I actually came across as disinterested (I later learned). I never thought about what insecurities anyone else would have because I was so caught up in my own fears.
If I saw qualities I didn't like in someone, then it would be a deal-breaker. I couldn't seem to find anyone who didn't have a few qualities that turned me off. Some of the things I judged so harshly now sound superficial and ridiculous: I hated her glasses; her job was boring; I never laughed at her jokes; I thought her apartment was ugly. These judgments aren’t terrible in and of themselves—but I always took them to be significant, and unforgivable. I knew I was being unreasonable and even felt embarrassed about how crazy-judgmental I was about such small details. That is, until I realized why I was thinking this way. My judgments had become another unconscious tool I had devised to protect me from getting involved with someone. My negative beliefs became my invisible armor. When I eventually realized that these thoughts were trying to keep me safe from vulnerability, they became less powerful.
If I didn't meet someone who had all of the qualities I wanted, I'd be settling. I always had fantasies about the Perfect Person I wanted to meet, have a relationship with, and eventually marry. Weirdly, I always dreamed of finding someone who shared everything in common with me, thinking that the more similar we were, the better our relationship would be. I wanted to meet someone who'd grown up the same way I had, who was about the same age as I was, and who shared all of my interests. I thought this was the meaning of a compatible and long-lasting relationship. Of course, this belief limited the pool of people I could pick from; I was excluding most of the population because of fear—I was trying to keep myself safe. So in order to open myself up to a loving relationship, I had to loosen up my criteria and surprise myself with the types of people I could open up to. This enabled me to connect with my fears and start to change my thoughts.
If I let a girl know I wanted to get married and have kids within a year, she would run away. Like many people, I always (incorrectly) believed that ALLwomen were turned off by commitment. So I consistently pretended: I always presented myself as someone who just wanted a casual relationship, nothing too serious. Yet deep down, I was hoping to find someone who wanted to share their life with me and start a family. My fear of acknowledging and showing "my truth" made me live according to false desires and needs. Eventually, I realized that I was the one afraid of commitment and had to admit that to myself. Instead of exploring the scary reality of my actual desires, I made myself shut down.
I had been protecting myself from my big fears—being in a relationship, having my partner reject me, and ending up alone. So instead of risking that, I relied on my thoughts to keep me from getting involved in a relationship at all. When I finally realized that my fears would actually keep me stuck where I was—alone and fearful—I began to question my thoughts and found evidence to disprove them. I began to take risks, let my guard down, and act like the "real me" even though it was scary at times.
DATING: YOU HAVE TO KEEP ON GOING EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO
In the beginning of a romantic relationship, it is all possible. We are going to be in love for ever. The sex is amazing. We talk about everything, plan our futures together and spill all our secrets. The hormones in our brains manufacture wildly and we feel like we are living on a cloud. Then before we know it… snap. The bubble bursts and there is whole lot of reality to face.
The other person snores, has bad breath, wants different things and does not agree with me all of the time. The fear of having true intimacy surfaces. What do I do now?
I could go out and find someone else and repeat. Or I could find ingenious methods of denial to immerse myself within, work all of the time, watch television or try and make sure everything is under my control at all times.
Love is offensive, dark, insane, forceful, unpredictable, lonely, powerful and painful. Love will break your heart over and over again.
My heart is broken. If someone cut open my chest, they would find a heart filled with an abundance of scar tissue. Many injuries in all different phases of healing, some fresh and some crusty-old and hardened from years of chronic damage.
Romance is not the only partnership that breaks the heart, it happens in all relationship.
Mostly just people making decisions that we do not agree with or acting in a way that we do not want them to. Sometimes it is our own fears that get triggered and we can not make clear decisions.We could hide ourselves from relationship and cut ourselves off, but human beings are never happy unless they are connected. We all want to experience love and relationship.
So what can we do? How can we protect ourselves from getting hurt?
We can’t. It is all going to hurt and we are all going to cry, scream, and rage. Then we are going to grow a tiny bit and pick up the pieces and move forward. Even if we cry every day for a year, and experience the suffocation of sorrow, the incineration of anger.
There are no guarantees and no promises that go unbroken.
It is a lesson in the impermanence of life, the wakefulness that we experience through the process of change.
Relationship is what forces us to grow the most. In partnership, we love and the act of loving is what makes us stretch ourselves bigger and tolerate more. Love makes us brave, strong and rich. It can not be controlled or mapped out. Having expectations in a relationship precludes that things will not go according to our plan.
It reminds me of fairy tales, romantic comedies and novels. Where the couple comes together at the end of the story to live happily ever after. I feel so relieved when they come together. I feel that I do not have to worry about them or about myself because they are together and happy now. I believe for a few minutes that I can rest and that it is real. Then I think, if we could fast forward a few years into the future they would probably be fighting about the kids, money problems and the dirty dishes.
Once we have had a few relationship experiences of our own we begin to understand the disillusionment of love. Romantic themes in media become far less distracting. Where are the healthy relationships models that we can learn from?
I get a thrill out of two old and wrinkled people with grey hair sitting at a table in a restaurant genuinely talking or when the come to my office. People with crooked teeth, bald heads, blemished skin holding hands on a walk.
The other person snores, has bad breath, wants different things and does not agree with me all of the time. The fear of having true intimacy surfaces. What do I do now?
I could go out and find someone else and repeat. Or I could find ingenious methods of denial to immerse myself within, work all of the time, watch television or try and make sure everything is under my control at all times.
Love is offensive, dark, insane, forceful, unpredictable, lonely, powerful and painful. Love will break your heart over and over again.
My heart is broken. If someone cut open my chest, they would find a heart filled with an abundance of scar tissue. Many injuries in all different phases of healing, some fresh and some crusty-old and hardened from years of chronic damage.
Romance is not the only partnership that breaks the heart, it happens in all relationship.
Mostly just people making decisions that we do not agree with or acting in a way that we do not want them to. Sometimes it is our own fears that get triggered and we can not make clear decisions.We could hide ourselves from relationship and cut ourselves off, but human beings are never happy unless they are connected. We all want to experience love and relationship.
So what can we do? How can we protect ourselves from getting hurt?
We can’t. It is all going to hurt and we are all going to cry, scream, and rage. Then we are going to grow a tiny bit and pick up the pieces and move forward. Even if we cry every day for a year, and experience the suffocation of sorrow, the incineration of anger.
There are no guarantees and no promises that go unbroken.
It is a lesson in the impermanence of life, the wakefulness that we experience through the process of change.
Relationship is what forces us to grow the most. In partnership, we love and the act of loving is what makes us stretch ourselves bigger and tolerate more. Love makes us brave, strong and rich. It can not be controlled or mapped out. Having expectations in a relationship precludes that things will not go according to our plan.
It reminds me of fairy tales, romantic comedies and novels. Where the couple comes together at the end of the story to live happily ever after. I feel so relieved when they come together. I feel that I do not have to worry about them or about myself because they are together and happy now. I believe for a few minutes that I can rest and that it is real. Then I think, if we could fast forward a few years into the future they would probably be fighting about the kids, money problems and the dirty dishes.
Once we have had a few relationship experiences of our own we begin to understand the disillusionment of love. Romantic themes in media become far less distracting. Where are the healthy relationships models that we can learn from?
I get a thrill out of two old and wrinkled people with grey hair sitting at a table in a restaurant genuinely talking or when the come to my office. People with crooked teeth, bald heads, blemished skin holding hands on a walk.
JOURNAL: GETTING INTO THE CORE OF WHY THE LAST RELATIONSHIP FAILED
I am trying to get to the core of my last relationship ended. So this post is not like my typical post. It more like free style writing.
OUR FIRST DATE:
In our first date after breakfast and going to bookstore, I told M the following:
-I am very boring
-I don't drink, smoke or take drug
-I am a homebody
-I am consistent
-I am very close to my family
-My goal is to meet someone and within a year get married have kids
-I am looking for someone submissive
-I only know how to love one way and that is 100%
-Love is a verb
-Looking for someone kind
-I have a certain sexual fantasy and it can stay a fantasy.
-I have a high sex drive
-I like have sex in public places and love a woman who wear a dress and no underwear
-I don't say the word LOVE unless i mean it
-I pleaded with her ...telling her please don't waste my time. DO not tell me one thing and do something else. Please be consistent
-I need someone who know how to cook
-I am giving
-I am not a bad boy
-I don't like drama and I am drama free
-I am clean and neat
-I have an addictive personality
-My ideal life is making love and doing all the other things we have to do between sessions
-The problem in relationship is not about communicating to your partner, the problem is does she listen and try to find a solution to the problem.
-I told her about relationships I had, where one girlfriend said I was too boring for her since most of the time we just stayed home.
-I told her about another past relationship where this ex girlfriend said all these thing to me: she as submissive, sexual, want to get married and settle down but her action were the total opposite.
-I told her about Nicole from last summer who wasn't there for me when my father died.
-I told her about Melissa, where she started her own business, taking care of her son, was part of a charter school and going to college to finish her BA. Our sex life was decreasing and when I brought the topic to her. She would call me selfish and that she had some much on her plate. Well I waited and waited for a few months and nothing really changed. In the end, I was so happy that I never married her....and now finally understood why so men would cheat. It is not that they weren't talking to their wives,,,their wives just don't care.
HER RESPONDS TO OUR FIRST DATE:
-I want marriage and kids soon (which now is a lie since she said she doesn't want one for while)
-I don't mind being at home. I am at home most of the time (which was lie since she was complaining that we stay home too much)
-I am kind and giving (her actions were was the total opposite
-She will buy a dress (lie...a simple dress cost like $30 which she didn't want to spend, but like to spend money on buying food all the time)
MY THOUGHTS AFTER OUR 1ST DATE:
I knew M wasn't my type. She was strong...a alpha woman. I told her that I am attracted to submissive woman and again..explained to her that two alpha will constantly fight and two betas will get nothing done. She was telling me how in most of the relationship she was always in control and was tired of it. Most of her male friend where Beta men. She told me about all the bad relationship she had except for first boyfriend and this artist guy.( One guy who was a doctor died over drug overdose, Another guy hit her. She wasted 7 years with a guy. How one guy told her to sleep with his best friends and she did.)
I told her about my fears. I told her I don't know who the real M is. She is all over the place. Is she submissive or dominate, Is she selfish or caring? Is she sexual or conservative? She had a lot of issues and drama in her life. She was telling me about her job,,,,how stressful it was and how much she liked it and it is never boring. She was working for herself. Her family drama. All she kept telling me was that once we had sex she would changed. She kept on telling me that...over and over...and eventually we did.
THE FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX:
I remember the first time we had sex. I asked her to promise me one thing ...of all the promise that was important was this one.----- To never take herself away from me, because I just don't sex with just anyone. I get really attach, and that my heart was so venerable and open since my father passed away and my problem with my ear and the break up with Nicole last year.
The sex was great. I made her cum over and over and over again. She was shocked. Once we had sex...she became more precious to me. I told her I always wanted her naked in the house...which she did. I wrote her poem...stories....love letter to her. I would find ebooks for her to read,.. showed her how to download movies online, text her all the time and call her in the evening. Listen to her complain about work, order Rx for her in the pharmacy. I would make breakfast for her every weekend. I would ask her what movies she wanted to see, Where she wanted to eat.I spend every weekend with her. She would also spend her weekend for me and text me.
I was starting to fall for her. It was during this time She said and promise the following things:
THE PROMISES:
1-She was going to cook for me and learn how to cook from a friend (that never happen)
2-She was going to cook me breakfast
3-Have sex in my back yard
4-During sex she would say. I want your baby.
5-During sex she would say....i will submit to you..I will do whatever you want.
6-She like how we spend our weekend together..in our own little bubble of making love watching movies and eating
THE WARNING SIGNS:
There were some warning sign:
-she never left anything of her stuff at my house....not even her toothbrush .I figured she had some commit issues
-never wear a dress ...her excuse she doesn't have one
-didn't cook or learn to cook
-she was going to be submissive and give in to me.
WHAT WERE THE REQUEST I WAS ASKING FOR
I requested simple things:
-take a shower with me
-Wear a dress with no underwear
-Watch a movie I like
-Going to the restaurant I want
SHE DID NOTHING EXCEPT THE FOLLOWING. She figured being naked, spending the weekend with me, texting and calling every night and spreading her leg was all she had to do.
I was patience ....she told me to be and I was.And it would take time for her to changes her ways,
Every attempt to talk about my feeling was replied with the following statement:
*Nothing I do is good enough
*If you give a inch, I want a yard
*We are not good for each other
*I should accept her for who she is
I felt guilty talking about my feeling when she said that to me.
THE "I LOVE YOU "
By the end of the second month, She said those words to me " I LOVE YOU". When she said that...I open my heart even more. I was finally able to let go of everything and stop worrying and and love her 100% .
I figured that now she loves me ...she might actually give in to me once in a whileSHE CHANGED:
When she finally had me....she changed. On the phone she starting to be rude to me, and I told and I brought it up to her attention. I was just getting tired of just say YES to her and she always said NO to me no matter what I was asking.To me that doesn't sound like someone giving in...being loving?
During the summer I also did some upgrade my house....there was one weekend I wanted to paint the basement and she told me not to do it and i didn't. What was another sign that she didn't really care about me ....she never offered to help me with the painting.
She was changing, She blew me off one night after going out with one of her friends. And one Satursday she blew me off because of her period (first time in my history someone didn't want to see me because of their period)
THE O.C.P.D PROJECTION
She then accuse me of being
From her text: "Do you have O.C.P.D? Not an emergency. Just remembered reading about this is college and seems like you."
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a mental condition in which a person has the following symptoms
-perfectionism to the point that it impairs the ability to finish tasks
-stiff, formal, or rigid mannerisms
-being extremely frugal with money
-an overwhelming need to be punctual
-extreme attention to detail
-excessive devotion to work at the expense of family or social relationships
-hoarding worn or useless items
-an inability to share or delegate work because of a fear it won’t be done right
-a fixation with lists
-a rigid adherence to rules and regulations
-an overwhelming need for order
-a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done
-a rigid adherence to moral and ethical codes
-They find it hard to express their feelings.
-They have difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships with others.
-They’re hardworking, but their obsession with perfection can make them inefficient.
-They often feel righteous, indignant, and angry.
-They often face social isolation.
-They can experience anxiety that occurs with depression.
I felt insulted and attacked. I took two test online and both said I didn't have OCPD. I did have some items on the list, but so do many ALPHA male do.
I am perfectiist but it never impair me on finishing my task
I am not frugal with my money. I spend alot of money during the summer to update my floors, the basement, oil to gas conversion, took her out to dinner, got a handy man to fix the house. ect...
I am on time
I am not a workaholic. I am off in the weekend
I am every close to my family
I am not a hoarder, I throw everything out that i don't use.
I do have morals
I don't have hard time expressing my feeling ( the blog and talking to her is an example)
I don't have difficulties maintaining relationship
I do think I am right all the time
When I look back now....M was more of OCPD than I was ...she was projection it to me.
She was the workaholic, Where in the end of our relationship she finally told me her job was the main reason she can't be with me. She need to get out the business, It might take a year to do that and show kids aren't in the picture.
She had difficulties in expressing her feeling. I never knew the amount of stress she actually had at her business because she never really went to much detail with me.
She is often isolated and stays home and once in while goes out with her friends.
She was always punctual ...in fact early all the time.
She a fixation with lists. She has a list in her i phone. I don't have a to do list at all.
She was rigid adherence to rules and regulations. I found out at the end, if i wanted her to anything like take a shower with me or watch movie I like...i would have to look into her eyes and hold her and tell her how important it was to me... WTF? that is so unnatural
She had a a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done and being neat. When I clean the dishes or the kitchen and bathroom. I wasn't always perfect. She started to clean the kitchen and bathroom her way...because the way I was doing it wasn't perfect.
She difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships with others. She wasn't close to her family or even her bother who lives in the same state with her. Except for her first boyfriend, she hasn't really maintain any close relationship with another. There is this friend she with, but personally I think she was using him for accounting stuff so she doesn't have to pay someone else to do it.
She had anxiety in bed with me. There was one time she started crying,,,because she didn't want to leave me. Here I thought she was missing me...but that wasn''t the truth. She was having an anxiety attack over her job.
BESIDE HAVING O.C.P.D. SHE MIGHT HAVE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
I personally think that beside having OCPD she was also has passive-aggressive personality disorder
Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include:
1. Resenting the demands of others
When others make requests or demands of them, passive aggressive people will often view them as unfair or unjust. Rather than express their feelings, they will bottle them up and resent the other person for making the demands. They quickly forget that they did not have to agree to the demand, or that they could have voiced their feelings at the time that the request was made.
2. Deliberate procrastination
Procrastination, the act of putting off that which needs to be done,. Rather than tell the other person that they cannot agree to their PROMISES, the passive aggressive person will delay completing the request until the very last moment, or later. This is aimed at punishing the other person for having the audacity to make the request.
3. Intentional mistakes
4. Hostile attitude
Passive aggressive people tend to immediately assume that anything they do not approve of was an intended to be a jibe at them. For example, they may assume that their boss knows that they have a full workload. When he boss makes a request of them, they assume that the has something against them and wants to put excessive pressure on them. It never crosses their mind that they could point out to their boss that they have a full schedule and he would then ask somebody else to help.
5. Complaints of injustice and lack of appreciation
Everything is viewed as an attack on them. When something doesn’t go their way, it is seen as unfair or an injustice. It’s all about how the world impacts on them.
6. Disguising criticism with compliments
At first, passive aggressive people may seem pleasant and warm. They often appear to be complimentary. It is only after they have left that you realize that the compliment was actually disguising a cheap jibe.
7. The last punch
Passive aggressive people love to throw the last punch. So much so, that even when an argument has been reconciled, they slip one last insulting remark into the conversation. This remark is often more subtle than the ones which went before but it is still an insulting remark which allows them to feel victorious.
She wasn't like this with her job, just with relationship. She was anal with work because it was he rice bowel but with relationship she was passive -aggressive.
She had indirect expression of hostility on the phone most of the time
She was procrastination,on promises she made
She was controlling. We watch what she wanted to watch, eat where she wanted to eat, do things that she anted.
She was stubbornness
She repeated failure to accomplish requested things she said she would do
She would complain about getting the short end of the stick. She couldn't see that her choices were the problem, not fate. Picking the business she is right now, Picking the bad guys in the past, Wasting 7 year with wrong guy.
THE LAST WEEKEND TOGETHER:
The last weekend we were together. We went to a Thai restaurant, watched a cat movie for her...send her a cat book, listen to her complain about her job.
OUR BREAK- UP
I then saw a article in the new paper about a couple who were caught having sex in the train. I asked her would she ever do that...and off course the answer was NO...which i knew and that was the last straw.
OUR TEXTS:
M:No, thats why I said I can see You doing this not us.
ME: You never want to give in to anything.... except for being naked when you come to the house,,,, you don't want to change anything else. i constantly thinking about you...and how to make your life better...and make you smile or happy. look for cat movies...cat books...ect
M: Alex I said id be willing to try public sex as long as its not so out in the open (Ex-behind a boulder in central park) but on a train like that is not my thing. I bring you food, clean certain rooms, walk around naked for you. Never ask to go out at night bec i know its not your thing. Ive adapted to your ways when we are together.
ME:You are home body for one. Second...i take you out as well to eat...Third....i was cleaning my dishes and stuff and you didn't like how i cleaned.
You won't wear a dress unless we go out to the city? You don't like phone sex. You don't want to change your life at all. I give you the naked part...but i brought this up before….You are one person when we are together...and different on the phone. You say one thing thing and do another. Ii don't know who the real M is
Nothing.... i didn't ask you to buy a dress. You can use the one you have. You said you would cook...and haven't. You said you will be more submissive when we have sex..and it just little.I am not trying to keep score and go on here but every time i want to talk..You tell me i am high maintenance or i want to much or i am saying you are not good enough. When all i am trying to do is express my feeling. You heard this before...i brought it up and then i don't say anything.You don't want to give in.....and that is fine. but don't say you are one way and you are not. I guess with the article i sent today...i just want you to give in to me just once. The think about love...is something you do things you don't like for the other person
M:Alex you can express your feelings all you want. I feel as though i have been giving in to you by adapting to your lifestyle when we are together. Public sex on a train is not something id do. I said I would do it though as stated above
ME: What lifestyle….staying home...making love...eating, watching movies…..that is what people do sometimes..you even tell me you want to stay home and don't go anywhere
M:Yes i do sometimes want to stay home some weekends but its become a routine.
****I DID WARN HER ABOUT THIS ON OUR FIRST DATE******
ME:well then the weekend i want to go out ..about two weeks ago..you wanted to stay i suggest going out a few times and you became tired
M:Yes I was dead from all the sex. I feel like you want someone very submissive all around. Is this true?? Im asking
Me:Not all the time, but don't say things that are not true...or promise you can't keep. i am not with you all the time..u can be and act anyway you want.....someone who want someone really submissive ...wouldn't even want they partner to go out and see friends If you want a alpha male you need to be more submissive.Two alpha will constantly fight.. if you want to get married and have kids.....your lifestyle has to change....if you want those things....unless you are happy with your life now...two alpha will constantly fight..i meant to say
M:Sure but we just started dating, i thought we would have some fun and create memories before kids and not jump into that lifestyle.
****ANOTHER LIE . SHE WAS THE ONE BRING UP KIDS ALL THE TIMES SINCE ALL HER FRIENDS HAD KIDS AND SHE KEPT TELLING ME ABOUT HER CLOCK CLICKING AND SHE WANTED IT ASAP*****
Me:that is not the impress you gave me. u want kids...u say that all the time.Your friends have kids…. see..i am confused again
M:I never said i didn't want kids above, I said that since we started dating i figured we would be getting to know each other, do different things before we took the next steps ....creating family
Me: and we will. i think i was honest and direct about everything. i told u the type of man i am. and been consistent everything i said .... i did
M:You were nobody said you weren't. I feel like I'm never going to live up to what you want me to be.
****LIVE UP TO WHAT? BEING MORE GIVING AND KIND AND GIVE IN TO ONCE IN A WHILE*******
Me:which is what? tell me what i want from you i want someone kind, caring, submissive , sexual and want to start a family. i think i mention that also when we met. someone who consistent with what they tell me. is that hard to live up to?
M:You didn't mention the black and white thinking, lack of spontaneity, self righteous attitude. These are things that might make a woman think twice.
Me: i did mention the black and white thing and i am not self righteous. i told u from day one. i think i am 95 % right. i know i did. i remember. when i am wrong..i correct my thinking. self righteous never want to change their mind. i do. Being decisive. Doesn't make you a black and white thinking. i know what i want and where i want to go and have goals. you even said.. u hate being with guys who don't know what they want to do. can't make a decision
****SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS TIRED OF GUYS NOT KNOWING WHAT THEY WANT AND CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECISION AND NOW SHE ATTACKING ME ABOUT THAT****
Me:You seem you want take yourself away from me and just me to agree
M:No Im not asking you to just agree, Im seriously asking you if you can see my concerns.
Me; do...but if you are not committed. Then go...break me....i will heal .....i always do. I can't believe you don't really think i love you
Me:Good morning....If you are happy with your life right now and they way it is going..that is fine. My mom, my sister and people i know, when they met the right guy they want to be with, are willing change their whole life….meaning moving to a different state, different country, doing thing they don’t like...ect. That is love to me. It’s a verb, it not just acceptance. I told you from day one, this is the time of person I am, the type of person I am interested marrying. That I don’t do well with strong woman. The only thing I did wrong was to take you by your word. That you are tried of being strong, you want to submit, you want to have a family and kids. I was totally insulted when you imply that the only reason I am with you is because you want family and a child. I am with you because I fell in love with you. It come down to one question which I mention a few times now.: Are you willing to give in to me or not more than you are now? If you are not, then you are right, we shouldn’t be together and you misled me from the beginning. If you are will to give in more, I am willing to change as well.
Sorry about the long text...i just didn't sleep at all last night
M:I will always be who I am. Its a lot to ask someone to change. Im going through a lot with trying to get out of this business while still keeping everything going. I cant handle any more demands at the moment. Im sorry you didn't sleep. I need to go now.
Me:They are not demands but fine i guess we are done...right? Nothing I want..demands money or anything else...but more giving
M:And I cant give you what you want. You'll always want someone sluttier, who cooks, who does more better, faster.
****SHE CAN;T GIVE IT TO ME..YET IN THE BEGINNING SHE SAID SHE WOULD AND PROMISE SHE WOULD****
M:I never mislead you, You were nitpicking at me from the beginning which is not a good sign for either of us. You act like a tiger mom constantly expecting more and better but never being happy in the moment. I don't respond well to that which Ive told you. Its not a matter of who's right or wrong or placing blame. We just don't click.
******THIS ONE WAS HEART TO SWALLOW BECAUSE NOT ONCE DID WE FIGHT, AND SHE WAS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE LITTLE BUBBLE WE MADE ...THE LITTLE WORLD WE MADE ON THE WEEKEND AND HOW HAPPY SHE WAS AND HOW THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE*****
****NITPICKING BECAUSE I AM WAITING AND WAITING TO SEE IF YOU WILL KEEP YOUR WORD? AND BRING IT TO YOUR ATTENTION? THAT IS NITPICKING?
M:Answer me this, What if I cant have a baby..... would you still want to be with me?
ME:We would adopt
M:Ic look I think its best we don't move forward bec we both know we will drive each other crazy which is not the type of environment needed for a family.
***THIS PART CONFUSED ME EVEN MORE. WE NEVER DRIVE EACH OTHER CRAZY DURING THE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER..THIS IS THE FIRST I HEARD OF THIS. WAS SHE IN THE SAME RELATIONSHIP AS I WAS. WHAT RELATIONSHIP WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT. ALL THE TIME SHE SAID TO BE FOR WEEKS WERE TOTALLY DIFFERENT WHAT SHE WAS SAYING NOW***********
M:m torn bec we are very alike in some ways and very different. I need a lifestyle with some spontaneity which is not how you enjoy to live.
****THIS REALLY PISSED ME OFF THE MOST. WHEN WE FIRST MET I TOLD HER HOW I WAS AND SHE TOLD ME THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTED AND NEEDED. AND NOT SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT? WTF
SECOND, I HAD PLANS TO DO STUFF AND SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO THE BEACH, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO EAT INDIAN FOOD. AND FINALLY THIS SUMMER SHE KNEW THAT THIS SUMMER WAS DIFFERENT. I HAD DENTAL SURGERY TWO WEEKEND, HER FLAT TIRE OF HER CAR WAS ONE WEEKEND. I HAD TO CLEAN THE HOUSE OF THE FLOOR WAS INSTALLED ONE WEEKEND. IF WE DIDN'T DO THINGS. SPONTANEOUS IS BECAUSE THINGS GOT IN THE WAY AND WE JUST HAD THE WEEKEND.
BESIDE,,,SHE MENTION TWICE TO SPEND THE WEEKEND IN LONG ISLAND. IF SHE WANTED IT SO MUCH...WHY DIDN'T SHE PLAN IT AND PAID FOR IT AND DID ALL OF THE WORK. ************
Me: I disagree. We never tried being spontaneous
M:Why do we have to try? Should just happen naturally. I have to go and start the day.
Me: We never went out And things happen in July My dental Your car Ect...
M;Yes I know we had things occur that prevented us from going out. I told you im torn and I need to get going right now. Can I think today about it?
M: I don't think we should drag this out. I cant put a timeline on having a family which I know is your sooner then later end goal with a woman.
FOR THE RECORD:
1-I never told her to change. I told her to give in to me once in a while. I never told that she couldn't see her friend or anything else. If telling her to keep her promise is telling her to change then I am guilty.But she doesn't want to play the blaming game..because she is in denial. She can't see her HUGE part of the failure of this relationship.
2-I Kept all my promise to her. Not one promise that came out of my mouth wasn't done. She fail to keep one promise she made to me. That should tell you what type of person she is. Inconsistent and a liar.
3-She doesn't understand love at all. Love to her is accepting the person for who they are. Well, let's take her definition. She didn't accept me for who I was....even though she knew type of person I was. My definition of love is that love is a verb. The act of loving. It is not a noun. I have been very loving in this relationship. DON'T SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T MEANT IT.
3-She knew actually the type of person i was before she started, And she knew actually what i wanted in the relationship there was so surprise.
4-She projected her issues on me.
CONCLUSION:
-M is unstable. Say one thing and do another. She is one person one day and another person the next.
-M doesn't know what the hell she wants. She wanted alpha male but then change her mind. She wanted kids ASAP and now she want it later.
-M is in denial about her issues. She can't see her role and the things she said and did as a factor of the failure and just blames it that we didn't "click" when all long she gave the impression otherwise. She can't see that all the things that are happen in her life is because of choices she made. The decision of getting into her business, the decision of the guys she gets involve with, the decisions one how she spends her money (going out to eat food all the time instead of cooking).
-M doesn't know how to love. She hasn't been in a relationship in 4 years. Doesn't know what a healthy and honest relationship is all about. Anyone asking her for anything mean that they are not accepting her for who she is.
The universe is a mirror image of who you are. Until M has a great fall in her life, her life won't change. She doesn't know what she wants..she has issues she is denial with. and then she wonders why she is where she is right now. I did try to save her...i did try to love her. But you can't help someone who want to drown.
OUR FIRST DATE:
In our first date after breakfast and going to bookstore, I told M the following:
-I am very boring
-I don't drink, smoke or take drug
-I am a homebody
-I am consistent
-I am very close to my family
-My goal is to meet someone and within a year get married have kids
-I am looking for someone submissive
-I only know how to love one way and that is 100%
-Love is a verb
-Looking for someone kind
-I have a certain sexual fantasy and it can stay a fantasy.
-I have a high sex drive
-I like have sex in public places and love a woman who wear a dress and no underwear
-I don't say the word LOVE unless i mean it
-I pleaded with her ...telling her please don't waste my time. DO not tell me one thing and do something else. Please be consistent
-I need someone who know how to cook
-I am giving
-I am not a bad boy
-I don't like drama and I am drama free
-I am clean and neat
-I have an addictive personality
-My ideal life is making love and doing all the other things we have to do between sessions
-The problem in relationship is not about communicating to your partner, the problem is does she listen and try to find a solution to the problem.
-I told her about relationships I had, where one girlfriend said I was too boring for her since most of the time we just stayed home.
-I told her about another past relationship where this ex girlfriend said all these thing to me: she as submissive, sexual, want to get married and settle down but her action were the total opposite.
-I told her about Nicole from last summer who wasn't there for me when my father died.
-I told her about Melissa, where she started her own business, taking care of her son, was part of a charter school and going to college to finish her BA. Our sex life was decreasing and when I brought the topic to her. She would call me selfish and that she had some much on her plate. Well I waited and waited for a few months and nothing really changed. In the end, I was so happy that I never married her....and now finally understood why so men would cheat. It is not that they weren't talking to their wives,,,their wives just don't care.
HER RESPONDS TO OUR FIRST DATE:
-I want marriage and kids soon (which now is a lie since she said she doesn't want one for while)
-I don't mind being at home. I am at home most of the time (which was lie since she was complaining that we stay home too much)
-I am kind and giving (her actions were was the total opposite
-She will buy a dress (lie...a simple dress cost like $30 which she didn't want to spend, but like to spend money on buying food all the time)
MY THOUGHTS AFTER OUR 1ST DATE:
I knew M wasn't my type. She was strong...a alpha woman. I told her that I am attracted to submissive woman and again..explained to her that two alpha will constantly fight and two betas will get nothing done. She was telling me how in most of the relationship she was always in control and was tired of it. Most of her male friend where Beta men. She told me about all the bad relationship she had except for first boyfriend and this artist guy.( One guy who was a doctor died over drug overdose, Another guy hit her. She wasted 7 years with a guy. How one guy told her to sleep with his best friends and she did.)
I told her about my fears. I told her I don't know who the real M is. She is all over the place. Is she submissive or dominate, Is she selfish or caring? Is she sexual or conservative? She had a lot of issues and drama in her life. She was telling me about her job,,,,how stressful it was and how much she liked it and it is never boring. She was working for herself. Her family drama. All she kept telling me was that once we had sex she would changed. She kept on telling me that...over and over...and eventually we did.
THE FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX:
I remember the first time we had sex. I asked her to promise me one thing ...of all the promise that was important was this one.----- To never take herself away from me, because I just don't sex with just anyone. I get really attach, and that my heart was so venerable and open since my father passed away and my problem with my ear and the break up with Nicole last year.
The sex was great. I made her cum over and over and over again. She was shocked. Once we had sex...she became more precious to me. I told her I always wanted her naked in the house...which she did. I wrote her poem...stories....love letter to her. I would find ebooks for her to read,.. showed her how to download movies online, text her all the time and call her in the evening. Listen to her complain about work, order Rx for her in the pharmacy. I would make breakfast for her every weekend. I would ask her what movies she wanted to see, Where she wanted to eat.I spend every weekend with her. She would also spend her weekend for me and text me.
I was starting to fall for her. It was during this time She said and promise the following things:
THE PROMISES:
1-She was going to cook for me and learn how to cook from a friend (that never happen)
2-She was going to cook me breakfast
3-Have sex in my back yard
4-During sex she would say. I want your baby.
5-During sex she would say....i will submit to you..I will do whatever you want.
6-She like how we spend our weekend together..in our own little bubble of making love watching movies and eating
THE WARNING SIGNS:
There were some warning sign:
-she never left anything of her stuff at my house....not even her toothbrush .I figured she had some commit issues
-never wear a dress ...her excuse she doesn't have one
-didn't cook or learn to cook
-she was going to be submissive and give in to me.
WHAT WERE THE REQUEST I WAS ASKING FOR
I requested simple things:
-take a shower with me
-Wear a dress with no underwear
-Watch a movie I like
-Going to the restaurant I want
SHE DID NOTHING EXCEPT THE FOLLOWING. She figured being naked, spending the weekend with me, texting and calling every night and spreading her leg was all she had to do.
I was patience ....she told me to be and I was.And it would take time for her to changes her ways,
Every attempt to talk about my feeling was replied with the following statement:
*Nothing I do is good enough
*If you give a inch, I want a yard
*We are not good for each other
*I should accept her for who she is
I felt guilty talking about my feeling when she said that to me.
THE "I LOVE YOU "
By the end of the second month, She said those words to me " I LOVE YOU". When she said that...I open my heart even more. I was finally able to let go of everything and stop worrying and and love her 100% .
I figured that now she loves me ...she might actually give in to me once in a whileSHE CHANGED:
When she finally had me....she changed. On the phone she starting to be rude to me, and I told and I brought it up to her attention. I was just getting tired of just say YES to her and she always said NO to me no matter what I was asking.To me that doesn't sound like someone giving in...being loving?
During the summer I also did some upgrade my house....there was one weekend I wanted to paint the basement and she told me not to do it and i didn't. What was another sign that she didn't really care about me ....she never offered to help me with the painting.
She was changing, She blew me off one night after going out with one of her friends. And one Satursday she blew me off because of her period (first time in my history someone didn't want to see me because of their period)
THE O.C.P.D PROJECTION
She then accuse me of being
From her text: "Do you have O.C.P.D? Not an emergency. Just remembered reading about this is college and seems like you."
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a mental condition in which a person has the following symptoms
-perfectionism to the point that it impairs the ability to finish tasks
-stiff, formal, or rigid mannerisms
-being extremely frugal with money
-an overwhelming need to be punctual
-extreme attention to detail
-excessive devotion to work at the expense of family or social relationships
-hoarding worn or useless items
-an inability to share or delegate work because of a fear it won’t be done right
-a fixation with lists
-a rigid adherence to rules and regulations
-an overwhelming need for order
-a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done
-a rigid adherence to moral and ethical codes
-They find it hard to express their feelings.
-They have difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships with others.
-They’re hardworking, but their obsession with perfection can make them inefficient.
-They often feel righteous, indignant, and angry.
-They often face social isolation.
-They can experience anxiety that occurs with depression.
I felt insulted and attacked. I took two test online and both said I didn't have OCPD. I did have some items on the list, but so do many ALPHA male do.
I am perfectiist but it never impair me on finishing my task
I am not frugal with my money. I spend alot of money during the summer to update my floors, the basement, oil to gas conversion, took her out to dinner, got a handy man to fix the house. ect...
I am on time
I am not a workaholic. I am off in the weekend
I am every close to my family
I am not a hoarder, I throw everything out that i don't use.
I do have morals
I don't have hard time expressing my feeling ( the blog and talking to her is an example)
I don't have difficulties maintaining relationship
I do think I am right all the time
When I look back now....M was more of OCPD than I was ...she was projection it to me.
She was the workaholic, Where in the end of our relationship she finally told me her job was the main reason she can't be with me. She need to get out the business, It might take a year to do that and show kids aren't in the picture.
She had difficulties in expressing her feeling. I never knew the amount of stress she actually had at her business because she never really went to much detail with me.
She is often isolated and stays home and once in while goes out with her friends.
She was always punctual ...in fact early all the time.
She a fixation with lists. She has a list in her i phone. I don't have a to do list at all.
She was rigid adherence to rules and regulations. I found out at the end, if i wanted her to anything like take a shower with me or watch movie I like...i would have to look into her eyes and hold her and tell her how important it was to me... WTF? that is so unnatural
She had a a sense of righteousness about the way things should be done and being neat. When I clean the dishes or the kitchen and bathroom. I wasn't always perfect. She started to clean the kitchen and bathroom her way...because the way I was doing it wasn't perfect.
She difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships with others. She wasn't close to her family or even her bother who lives in the same state with her. Except for her first boyfriend, she hasn't really maintain any close relationship with another. There is this friend she with, but personally I think she was using him for accounting stuff so she doesn't have to pay someone else to do it.
She had anxiety in bed with me. There was one time she started crying,,,because she didn't want to leave me. Here I thought she was missing me...but that wasn''t the truth. She was having an anxiety attack over her job.
BESIDE HAVING O.C.P.D. SHE MIGHT HAVE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
I personally think that beside having OCPD she was also has passive-aggressive personality disorder
Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include:
1. Resenting the demands of others
When others make requests or demands of them, passive aggressive people will often view them as unfair or unjust. Rather than express their feelings, they will bottle them up and resent the other person for making the demands. They quickly forget that they did not have to agree to the demand, or that they could have voiced their feelings at the time that the request was made.
2. Deliberate procrastination
Procrastination, the act of putting off that which needs to be done,. Rather than tell the other person that they cannot agree to their PROMISES, the passive aggressive person will delay completing the request until the very last moment, or later. This is aimed at punishing the other person for having the audacity to make the request.
3. Intentional mistakes
4. Hostile attitude
Passive aggressive people tend to immediately assume that anything they do not approve of was an intended to be a jibe at them. For example, they may assume that their boss knows that they have a full workload. When he boss makes a request of them, they assume that the has something against them and wants to put excessive pressure on them. It never crosses their mind that they could point out to their boss that they have a full schedule and he would then ask somebody else to help.
5. Complaints of injustice and lack of appreciation
Everything is viewed as an attack on them. When something doesn’t go their way, it is seen as unfair or an injustice. It’s all about how the world impacts on them.
6. Disguising criticism with compliments
At first, passive aggressive people may seem pleasant and warm. They often appear to be complimentary. It is only after they have left that you realize that the compliment was actually disguising a cheap jibe.
7. The last punch
Passive aggressive people love to throw the last punch. So much so, that even when an argument has been reconciled, they slip one last insulting remark into the conversation. This remark is often more subtle than the ones which went before but it is still an insulting remark which allows them to feel victorious.
She wasn't like this with her job, just with relationship. She was anal with work because it was he rice bowel but with relationship she was passive -aggressive.
She had indirect expression of hostility on the phone most of the time
She was procrastination,on promises she made
She was controlling. We watch what she wanted to watch, eat where she wanted to eat, do things that she anted.
She was stubbornness
She repeated failure to accomplish requested things she said she would do
She would complain about getting the short end of the stick. She couldn't see that her choices were the problem, not fate. Picking the business she is right now, Picking the bad guys in the past, Wasting 7 year with wrong guy.
THE LAST WEEKEND TOGETHER:
The last weekend we were together. We went to a Thai restaurant, watched a cat movie for her...send her a cat book, listen to her complain about her job.
OUR BREAK- UP
I then saw a article in the new paper about a couple who were caught having sex in the train. I asked her would she ever do that...and off course the answer was NO...which i knew and that was the last straw.
OUR TEXTS:
M:No, thats why I said I can see You doing this not us.
ME: You never want to give in to anything.... except for being naked when you come to the house,,,, you don't want to change anything else. i constantly thinking about you...and how to make your life better...and make you smile or happy. look for cat movies...cat books...ect
M: Alex I said id be willing to try public sex as long as its not so out in the open (Ex-behind a boulder in central park) but on a train like that is not my thing. I bring you food, clean certain rooms, walk around naked for you. Never ask to go out at night bec i know its not your thing. Ive adapted to your ways when we are together.
ME:You are home body for one. Second...i take you out as well to eat...Third....i was cleaning my dishes and stuff and you didn't like how i cleaned.
You won't wear a dress unless we go out to the city? You don't like phone sex. You don't want to change your life at all. I give you the naked part...but i brought this up before….You are one person when we are together...and different on the phone. You say one thing thing and do another. Ii don't know who the real M is
Nothing.... i didn't ask you to buy a dress. You can use the one you have. You said you would cook...and haven't. You said you will be more submissive when we have sex..and it just little.I am not trying to keep score and go on here but every time i want to talk..You tell me i am high maintenance or i want to much or i am saying you are not good enough. When all i am trying to do is express my feeling. You heard this before...i brought it up and then i don't say anything.You don't want to give in.....and that is fine. but don't say you are one way and you are not. I guess with the article i sent today...i just want you to give in to me just once. The think about love...is something you do things you don't like for the other person
M:Alex you can express your feelings all you want. I feel as though i have been giving in to you by adapting to your lifestyle when we are together. Public sex on a train is not something id do. I said I would do it though as stated above
ME: What lifestyle….staying home...making love...eating, watching movies…..that is what people do sometimes..you even tell me you want to stay home and don't go anywhere
M:Yes i do sometimes want to stay home some weekends but its become a routine.
****I DID WARN HER ABOUT THIS ON OUR FIRST DATE******
ME:well then the weekend i want to go out ..about two weeks ago..you wanted to stay i suggest going out a few times and you became tired
M:Yes I was dead from all the sex. I feel like you want someone very submissive all around. Is this true?? Im asking
Me:Not all the time, but don't say things that are not true...or promise you can't keep. i am not with you all the time..u can be and act anyway you want.....someone who want someone really submissive ...wouldn't even want they partner to go out and see friends If you want a alpha male you need to be more submissive.Two alpha will constantly fight.. if you want to get married and have kids.....your lifestyle has to change....if you want those things....unless you are happy with your life now...two alpha will constantly fight..i meant to say
M:Sure but we just started dating, i thought we would have some fun and create memories before kids and not jump into that lifestyle.
****ANOTHER LIE . SHE WAS THE ONE BRING UP KIDS ALL THE TIMES SINCE ALL HER FRIENDS HAD KIDS AND SHE KEPT TELLING ME ABOUT HER CLOCK CLICKING AND SHE WANTED IT ASAP*****
Me:that is not the impress you gave me. u want kids...u say that all the time.Your friends have kids…. see..i am confused again
M:I never said i didn't want kids above, I said that since we started dating i figured we would be getting to know each other, do different things before we took the next steps ....creating family
Me: and we will. i think i was honest and direct about everything. i told u the type of man i am. and been consistent everything i said .... i did
M:You were nobody said you weren't. I feel like I'm never going to live up to what you want me to be.
****LIVE UP TO WHAT? BEING MORE GIVING AND KIND AND GIVE IN TO ONCE IN A WHILE*******
Me:which is what? tell me what i want from you i want someone kind, caring, submissive , sexual and want to start a family. i think i mention that also when we met. someone who consistent with what they tell me. is that hard to live up to?
M:You didn't mention the black and white thinking, lack of spontaneity, self righteous attitude. These are things that might make a woman think twice.
Me: i did mention the black and white thing and i am not self righteous. i told u from day one. i think i am 95 % right. i know i did. i remember. when i am wrong..i correct my thinking. self righteous never want to change their mind. i do. Being decisive. Doesn't make you a black and white thinking. i know what i want and where i want to go and have goals. you even said.. u hate being with guys who don't know what they want to do. can't make a decision
****SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS TIRED OF GUYS NOT KNOWING WHAT THEY WANT AND CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECISION AND NOW SHE ATTACKING ME ABOUT THAT****
Me:You seem you want take yourself away from me and just me to agree
M:No Im not asking you to just agree, Im seriously asking you if you can see my concerns.
Me; do...but if you are not committed. Then go...break me....i will heal .....i always do. I can't believe you don't really think i love you
Me:Good morning....If you are happy with your life right now and they way it is going..that is fine. My mom, my sister and people i know, when they met the right guy they want to be with, are willing change their whole life….meaning moving to a different state, different country, doing thing they don’t like...ect. That is love to me. It’s a verb, it not just acceptance. I told you from day one, this is the time of person I am, the type of person I am interested marrying. That I don’t do well with strong woman. The only thing I did wrong was to take you by your word. That you are tried of being strong, you want to submit, you want to have a family and kids. I was totally insulted when you imply that the only reason I am with you is because you want family and a child. I am with you because I fell in love with you. It come down to one question which I mention a few times now.: Are you willing to give in to me or not more than you are now? If you are not, then you are right, we shouldn’t be together and you misled me from the beginning. If you are will to give in more, I am willing to change as well.
Sorry about the long text...i just didn't sleep at all last night
M:I will always be who I am. Its a lot to ask someone to change. Im going through a lot with trying to get out of this business while still keeping everything going. I cant handle any more demands at the moment. Im sorry you didn't sleep. I need to go now.
Me:They are not demands but fine i guess we are done...right? Nothing I want..demands money or anything else...but more giving
M:And I cant give you what you want. You'll always want someone sluttier, who cooks, who does more better, faster.
****SHE CAN;T GIVE IT TO ME..YET IN THE BEGINNING SHE SAID SHE WOULD AND PROMISE SHE WOULD****
M:I never mislead you, You were nitpicking at me from the beginning which is not a good sign for either of us. You act like a tiger mom constantly expecting more and better but never being happy in the moment. I don't respond well to that which Ive told you. Its not a matter of who's right or wrong or placing blame. We just don't click.
******THIS ONE WAS HEART TO SWALLOW BECAUSE NOT ONCE DID WE FIGHT, AND SHE WAS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE LITTLE BUBBLE WE MADE ...THE LITTLE WORLD WE MADE ON THE WEEKEND AND HOW HAPPY SHE WAS AND HOW THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE*****
****NITPICKING BECAUSE I AM WAITING AND WAITING TO SEE IF YOU WILL KEEP YOUR WORD? AND BRING IT TO YOUR ATTENTION? THAT IS NITPICKING?
M:Answer me this, What if I cant have a baby..... would you still want to be with me?
ME:We would adopt
M:Ic look I think its best we don't move forward bec we both know we will drive each other crazy which is not the type of environment needed for a family.
***THIS PART CONFUSED ME EVEN MORE. WE NEVER DRIVE EACH OTHER CRAZY DURING THE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER..THIS IS THE FIRST I HEARD OF THIS. WAS SHE IN THE SAME RELATIONSHIP AS I WAS. WHAT RELATIONSHIP WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT. ALL THE TIME SHE SAID TO BE FOR WEEKS WERE TOTALLY DIFFERENT WHAT SHE WAS SAYING NOW***********
M:m torn bec we are very alike in some ways and very different. I need a lifestyle with some spontaneity which is not how you enjoy to live.
****THIS REALLY PISSED ME OFF THE MOST. WHEN WE FIRST MET I TOLD HER HOW I WAS AND SHE TOLD ME THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTED AND NEEDED. AND NOT SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT? WTF
SECOND, I HAD PLANS TO DO STUFF AND SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO THE BEACH, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO EAT INDIAN FOOD. AND FINALLY THIS SUMMER SHE KNEW THAT THIS SUMMER WAS DIFFERENT. I HAD DENTAL SURGERY TWO WEEKEND, HER FLAT TIRE OF HER CAR WAS ONE WEEKEND. I HAD TO CLEAN THE HOUSE OF THE FLOOR WAS INSTALLED ONE WEEKEND. IF WE DIDN'T DO THINGS. SPONTANEOUS IS BECAUSE THINGS GOT IN THE WAY AND WE JUST HAD THE WEEKEND.
BESIDE,,,SHE MENTION TWICE TO SPEND THE WEEKEND IN LONG ISLAND. IF SHE WANTED IT SO MUCH...WHY DIDN'T SHE PLAN IT AND PAID FOR IT AND DID ALL OF THE WORK. ************
Me: I disagree. We never tried being spontaneous
M:Why do we have to try? Should just happen naturally. I have to go and start the day.
Me: We never went out And things happen in July My dental Your car Ect...
M;Yes I know we had things occur that prevented us from going out. I told you im torn and I need to get going right now. Can I think today about it?
M: I don't think we should drag this out. I cant put a timeline on having a family which I know is your sooner then later end goal with a woman.
FOR THE RECORD:
1-I never told her to change. I told her to give in to me once in a while. I never told that she couldn't see her friend or anything else. If telling her to keep her promise is telling her to change then I am guilty.But she doesn't want to play the blaming game..because she is in denial. She can't see her HUGE part of the failure of this relationship.
2-I Kept all my promise to her. Not one promise that came out of my mouth wasn't done. She fail to keep one promise she made to me. That should tell you what type of person she is. Inconsistent and a liar.
3-She doesn't understand love at all. Love to her is accepting the person for who they are. Well, let's take her definition. She didn't accept me for who I was....even though she knew type of person I was. My definition of love is that love is a verb. The act of loving. It is not a noun. I have been very loving in this relationship. DON'T SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T MEANT IT.
3-She knew actually the type of person i was before she started, And she knew actually what i wanted in the relationship there was so surprise.
4-She projected her issues on me.
CONCLUSION:
-M is unstable. Say one thing and do another. She is one person one day and another person the next.
-M doesn't know what the hell she wants. She wanted alpha male but then change her mind. She wanted kids ASAP and now she want it later.
-M is in denial about her issues. She can't see her role and the things she said and did as a factor of the failure and just blames it that we didn't "click" when all long she gave the impression otherwise. She can't see that all the things that are happen in her life is because of choices she made. The decision of getting into her business, the decision of the guys she gets involve with, the decisions one how she spends her money (going out to eat food all the time instead of cooking).
-M doesn't know how to love. She hasn't been in a relationship in 4 years. Doesn't know what a healthy and honest relationship is all about. Anyone asking her for anything mean that they are not accepting her for who she is.
The universe is a mirror image of who you are. Until M has a great fall in her life, her life won't change. She doesn't know what she wants..she has issues she is denial with. and then she wonders why she is where she is right now. I did try to save her...i did try to love her. But you can't help someone who want to drown.
Monday, August 28, 2017
ARTICLE: The Buffett Challenge, hedge funds vs. index funds, 9 years on BY Steve Tepper, chief operations officer at Northstar Financial Planners
Nearly 10 years ago Berkshire Hathaway CEO (and arguably one of the best investors on Earth), Warren Buffett, issued a challenge to the hedge fund industry — a $1 million bet that they could not put together a portfolio of hedge funds that would outperform an S&P 500 Index fund over a 10-year period.
Buffett was convinced the combination of active stock-picking and high costs would result in lagging market performance, and he was willing to put his money where his mouth was.
One company stepped up to the challenge. Protégé Partners LLC selected five hedge funds (the names of the funds have not been disclosed publicly), and Buffett selected the Vanguard Admiral Shares S&P 500 Index Fund.
Hedge funds vs. index fund
The 10-year period began January 1, 2008, which means we are in the final year of the challenge. While we don't know the funds selected by Protégé, we do have a nine-year performance update — and it's not pretty.
The hedge fund portfolio is up just 22 percent over nine years. That's slightly better than 2.2 percent per year. How did the S&P Index fund do? Oh, just a smidgen better. It's up 85.4 percent, or 7.1 percent per year on average. The results by fund are even more startling:
2008–2016 Cumulative Returns of Funds in the Buffett Challenge
⋅ Fund A: 8.7%
⋅ Fund B: 28.3%
⋅ Fund C: 62.8%
⋅ Fund D: 2.9%
⋅ Fund E: 7.5%
Hedge Fund Average: 22.0%
Index Fund: 85.4%
These are cumulative returns for the nine years, not yearly averages, and all I can say is "yuck." Not only is the hedge fund portfolio lagging the index fund by a wide margin, not a single fund that Protégé selected is outperforming the index fund. Only one even comes close, and it's still trailing by more than 25 percent. Three of the five funds have average annualized returns of less than 1 percent!
The challenge period officially ends Dec. 31, 2017, and it would take something we couldn't really call a miracle for Protégé to win. It would take a catastrophe, a market meltdown that would dwarf the Great Recession of 2008–2009, an event that would be so detrimental to investors and fund managers that Protégé themselves must secretly be hoping they will lose. And even with such a disaster scenario, Protégé might still lose if the funds they selected didn't hedge away most or all of the market downturns.
How the Buffet bet is structured
My favorite part of this story is about the bet itself, which should provide only further embarrassment to Protégé and the entire active-fund industry. Not content to make it a simple bet — just put up a half million dollars each and make it a winner-takes-all bet — the two parties agreed to put up a smaller amount and invest the money in zero-coupon Treasury bonds with the intent of growing the investment to $1 million by the end of year 10. That amount was calculated to be $640,000, so Buffett and Protégé each put $320,000 into the account nine years ago.
It didn't take until the end of 2017 for the account to grow to $1 million. Interest rates plunged in 2008 and 2009, sending the value of the bonds way up, and the account reached $1 million in 2012! Currently, there's more than $1.8 million in the account, or about triple what was invested. That's much better performance than either Protégé's fund portfolio or the index fund.
Lest you think the bet was about money, whatever amount is in the account at the end of the year will be given to the charity of the winning party's choosing: Girls Incorporated of Omaha if Buffett wins, or Friends of Absolute Return for Kids if Protégé wins.
Interestingly, Protégé did what they do best before the bet period even began — they hedged! They wrote back in 2007, "Hedge funds don't set out to beat the market. Rather, they seek to generate positive returns over time regardless of the market environment." A curious comment from a company accepting Buffet's challenge to pick a group of funds that will, well, beat the market.
Buffett was convinced the combination of active stock-picking and high costs would result in lagging market performance, and he was willing to put his money where his mouth was.
One company stepped up to the challenge. Protégé Partners LLC selected five hedge funds (the names of the funds have not been disclosed publicly), and Buffett selected the Vanguard Admiral Shares S&P 500 Index Fund.
Hedge funds vs. index fund
The 10-year period began January 1, 2008, which means we are in the final year of the challenge. While we don't know the funds selected by Protégé, we do have a nine-year performance update — and it's not pretty.
The hedge fund portfolio is up just 22 percent over nine years. That's slightly better than 2.2 percent per year. How did the S&P Index fund do? Oh, just a smidgen better. It's up 85.4 percent, or 7.1 percent per year on average. The results by fund are even more startling:
2008–2016 Cumulative Returns of Funds in the Buffett Challenge
⋅ Fund A: 8.7%
⋅ Fund B: 28.3%
⋅ Fund C: 62.8%
⋅ Fund D: 2.9%
⋅ Fund E: 7.5%
Hedge Fund Average: 22.0%
Index Fund: 85.4%
These are cumulative returns for the nine years, not yearly averages, and all I can say is "yuck." Not only is the hedge fund portfolio lagging the index fund by a wide margin, not a single fund that Protégé selected is outperforming the index fund. Only one even comes close, and it's still trailing by more than 25 percent. Three of the five funds have average annualized returns of less than 1 percent!
The challenge period officially ends Dec. 31, 2017, and it would take something we couldn't really call a miracle for Protégé to win. It would take a catastrophe, a market meltdown that would dwarf the Great Recession of 2008–2009, an event that would be so detrimental to investors and fund managers that Protégé themselves must secretly be hoping they will lose. And even with such a disaster scenario, Protégé might still lose if the funds they selected didn't hedge away most or all of the market downturns.
How the Buffet bet is structured
My favorite part of this story is about the bet itself, which should provide only further embarrassment to Protégé and the entire active-fund industry. Not content to make it a simple bet — just put up a half million dollars each and make it a winner-takes-all bet — the two parties agreed to put up a smaller amount and invest the money in zero-coupon Treasury bonds with the intent of growing the investment to $1 million by the end of year 10. That amount was calculated to be $640,000, so Buffett and Protégé each put $320,000 into the account nine years ago.
It didn't take until the end of 2017 for the account to grow to $1 million. Interest rates plunged in 2008 and 2009, sending the value of the bonds way up, and the account reached $1 million in 2012! Currently, there's more than $1.8 million in the account, or about triple what was invested. That's much better performance than either Protégé's fund portfolio or the index fund.
Lest you think the bet was about money, whatever amount is in the account at the end of the year will be given to the charity of the winning party's choosing: Girls Incorporated of Omaha if Buffett wins, or Friends of Absolute Return for Kids if Protégé wins.
Interestingly, Protégé did what they do best before the bet period even began — they hedged! They wrote back in 2007, "Hedge funds don't set out to beat the market. Rather, they seek to generate positive returns over time regardless of the market environment." A curious comment from a company accepting Buffet's challenge to pick a group of funds that will, well, beat the market.
Monday, August 21, 2017
PERSONAL : PLEASE GOD...HELP ME
Dear God,
I am having such a bad day today. I am so sad. I can't stop crying.
A lot of people say having your heart broken is like someone ripping your heart out of your chest. It is so much worse than that. Having your heart broken feels like someone trying to rip your heart out from wherever they can access it. They beat you in the stomach, they rip at your throat, they pound on your head, but eventually, ripping your heart straight out of your chest is the only option. So they do it. And then they squeeze your heart and they throw it around and step on it and tear it apart with dull fingernails. They rip it to shreds and just because it’s no longer in your body doesn’t mean you don’t feel all of this at full intensity.
The pain becomes overwhelming so you scream and cry at the hurt that is happening to you. Everywhere. Everything hurts. There is a physical pain: constant headache, burning eyes, nausea, body soreness. There is a mental pain: constant questioning of her, yourself, the situation, rethinking every nuance of every phrase said and every event passed, over thinking to the point where your mind is a constant buzz of nonstop action without any focus. You flip between hating her for hurting you and hating yourself for letting it happen.
Dealing with a broken heart is a lot like being trapped underwater. You struggle a lot at first, learning to hold your breath, often faltering and getting lungs full of water, choking until your whole body burns. You try to find the surface because you don’t want to hold your breath anymore. It’s hard and painful and you want a reprieve. But you can’t seem to find the top. And you struggle some more and your lungs cry out, you cry out, for anyone to help. But eventually you resign to the burning and the lack of oxygen and you allow yourself to just drown. When you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, suddenly you’ll start to float up. Nature takes over and you gasp a fresh breath of air right before he kicks you down again, foot to the gut, and you fall lower. You never hit rock bottom before, because this is much worse. You struggle again and it hurts more even when you thought it wasn’t possible to. I imagine this keeps happening and I’m not sure how it’ll end. I’m still drowning, occasionally resurfacing only to be pushed further into heartache. I want to stay afloat but succumbing to the water seems to be my only option now. I am lost and there is no way I can find the surface on my own.
I come to you with my heart in my hands.
There are pieces of it that are missing, given to woman who couldn’t love me the way I needed to be loved. There are arteries with tiny holes, for all the ways I’ve convinced myself I wasn’t enough. There are veins that pump too wildly because sometimes there’s just too much emotion happening in there. There are parts that are bruised; I haven’t been so good with guarding what you’ve given me.
But my heart’s still intact; though days like today it sure doesn’t feel like it.
Today I come to you with this heart: this tired heart, this big heart, this silly heart that keeps giving itself away. I come to you with loss, with breakage, with fear for the future and how I’m ever going to let love back in. I come to you still wrestling with my feelings for a woman who I’m no longer with,
I come to you with all of me, hoping that somehow you’ll repair the damage
God, you’ve given me the gift of love. You’ve blessed me, blessed all of us humans with hearts to let others in, with the ability to connect in ways we can’t even explain or comprehend sometimes. It’s so wonderful. But sometimes I don’t understand it.
Why do you let me fall for people who maybe aren’t right for me? Why do you allow me to have such powerful emotions, such profound relationships if they’re eventually going to fail?
What’s the lesson am I supposed to be learning—To not settle until we’ve found the real thing? To look for love like your love? To be strong in loss?—and why must I learn it in such a painful way?
You brought this wonderful woman into my life. You let me fall for her, let my heart become intertwined with her,You allowed me to have feelings, deep feelings that sometimes I question looking back.
If she wasn’t right for me, God, then why did you let me love her?
I guess that’s one of the things I’ll always wonder. Maybe you brought her into my life to teach me how to let others in. Maybe she was supposed to be a blessing for a time, but also a lesson.
Maybe we were meant to be temporary, not permanent because we belong to other people. Maybe our breakup will make me stronger in time.
But God, it’s so hard to know your purpose sometimes. It’s so hard to make sense of the ache in my chest.
I come to you today with my heart in fragments. I come to you today with bitterness and anger, with doubt and frustration, with loneliness and fear. I come to you, wondering why.
God, my heart feels tired. Tired of being stepped on. Tired of being left. Tired of being taken advantage of. Tired of being given to the wrong person, only to end up empty in the end.
I need you to renew strength in me.
Please give me the strength to let go—of the past, of the pain, of her. Help me to see that my broken heart is not who I am, that I will find love again. Show me that you are here for me, and that if I trust you with my heart, you will guide me to the right person and onto the right path, no matter how far I have strayed.
God, give me the strength to let go and pursue love again. Give me the compassion to move on from what’s been lost and follow in your ways. And please, bless this woman I loved and watch over her, too. We may have gone our separate ways, but I still thank you for putting her in my life.
Maybe I won’t know the reason now, but she showed me love for a period of time, and even though my heart still aches, I know in time I will understand it was all a part of your plan.
POETRY: THE LONLINESS TAKES OVER
He walks away,
tears streaking his face,
she can taste their saltiness,
His heart has been pierced,
the emptiness is scraping at his soul,
as her words echo in her head.
Her face is imprinted in his mind,
the pain in them is burning,
His hands tremble as he quietly sobs,
he lies on his bed, as the warm afternoon sun glows,
the lonliness takes over.
PART 2
We began as some seeds that grow, Not knowing where we would go. Day after day our love was so true, Not even distance could stop what grew. Sometimes we didn't always agree, But the love we had would overcome you see. Many days I thought about me and you, Of our love that would always be true. There's not one morning that goes by, That I didn't have you on my mind. Maybe time has stolen you from me, But I know one day, time will give away. Sometimes I wonder, was it to be, But love will conquer as you will see. When I get lost without being with you, I think of the future when it will be so true. One day my heart will beat again, When you will be in my arms again. You will always be my little flower, And forever, my heart and power.Part 3Not too long ago, I stood tall on a mountain top Hand-in-hand with you. The sun shone bright Directly down upon us, The day was so new. Then a cloud rolled in, Covered up the sky, Sudden winds blew. Soon we began to slip, And we wondered: Will this storm ever roll through? It hurts so much My mind, body and soul The tears flow out of control Leaving in my heart, a hole. I'm holding in my hands, Tightly, all of our plans Waiting for you to hold on, too So this storm can finally Roll through.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
PERSONAL: MY HEART IS BROKEN
A while ago, I was in a relationsip, during a completely unexpected time in my life—she came out of nowhere, and was nothing and everything I imagined her to be. From the beginning, I saw and felt something in her that I haven't felt in a long time. She actually told me how perfect I was...something I haven't heard since Joanne..and that is a long long long time ago. I don't know why i am crying writing this. I didn't want to get hurt. I told her everything about me. Everything. I didn't hide anything. All my fears, secrets, everything and she still wanted to be with me. She even told me how she wanted to have my baby...my child. She read my blog. This was just one of the many things that connected us, though it undoubtedly fostered the intensity and depth we experienced together. And when she told me she loved me... Our love was wild and enveloping—consumptive, fiery, powerful, and in every sense deeply felt.
We quickly entered a committed relationship.But I knew things would change....i would tell her that her feeling for me would change, she kept telling me it will not, that I was perfect for her. And with that...with her reassurance, I open my heart wide...after having the worst year last year...losing my father, breaking up with a girlfriend and being ill.
I really don't know where I went wrong. I was honest, Constantly giving....loving... always saying yes to her. I don't know what more I could have done? HOW MUCH MORE HONEST CAN I BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP? I guess the resentment started when every little thing I wanted us to do she would say NO. I later found out, it was not intentional, her business is not doing well. and she want to get out and she is under so much stress that she can't handle anymore stress. I would have been more understanding if she was more open about this in the beginning.
She gave me a taste of love and took it all away. She told me she would never take herself away from me and did. I ask her to promise me to never leave me when we had sex for the first time and she did. Those few months, my life was perfect. Everything was falling into place.
I loved her so much and I still love her... I am constantly tormenting myself hoping that she will just change and love me like she did before but it only ends up hurting me more because she never acts out of my expectations
You know, all along I had thought the word “heartbreak” was just a metaphor to describe deep sadness. I didn’t realize it was an actual descriptor.
Here was the woman who promised me she would never let me go, who earn my trust,who told me she loved me, whom I trusted with all my heart. She turned out to be the same woman who hurt me the most. I guess the death of my father and my illness made my heart open more and became more sensitive. My heart felt like it had cracked and broken into different pieces. I felt both emotional pain and physical pain in my heart.
Many people know me as a strong guy, independent, fearless, who wasn’t daunted by anything. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be unaffected despite what happened. No pity parties, no sob stories. I was no sap. I wanted to stand up tall and overcome whatever was before me.
But inside me, was a little boy: small, vulnerable, angry and hurt. I was crushed. As much as I tried to be strong, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I had opened myself up to this woman, trusted her, fell for her, I concluded that if she didn't love me enough because I wasn’t good enough.
This is just a simple post one that holds pieces of my pain and also of my faith. These are just a series of sentences strung together and addressed to the holder of the fragmented pieces of my heart. She looked at me in a way that stirred a place inside my soul I hadn’t known existed. .
Dear You Know Who,
Let me explain to you what it feels like to be told you are perfect in every way. Let me convey the emotions that rip through a man like myself when he is convinced he is someone’s forever. Let me express the hope and loyalty that is instilled inside of a guy who built up wall after wall only to feel as though they were peacefully torn down by a woman who pulled him deeply into her love. I cannot formulate those emotions into words the same way I cannot describe the way it felt to have you rip that all to pieces.
I want you to know that I loved you. I even loved you when you decided that you didn’t love me anymore. I think a part of me still loves you while I sit here in the darkness, face hot with tears and disillusionment.
The difference between you and I is that my love is unwavering. It is a love that is deep inside of my soul and gives restoration to my faith in other people. People in this world are going to hurt me. They have, and they will again. They will love me and leave me. Sometimes they will do both, as you have decided to do. You have shattered my heart, but you have not shattered my love. Love is not something that is cast aside and broken. It is something that resides safely inside of each and every one us if we choose to recognize it.
You have broken my heart, but you have not broken my love. I know you have it too, deep inside of you, and my love allows me to genuinely hope that you will understand it one day. There are no simple letters written about simple heartbreaks. There is only one simple concept, and that is that love is the most powerful entity in the world. So, I will probably allow a few more tears to fall down for the next few months in your honor. I will most likely shed more when see something I know would make you smile. But I will be OK. I will be OK because the love inside of me is strong and true. I will be OK because no matter how many people trample on my heart, they will never take my love. No one can.
With love,
The sadness I am feeling now is exactly what it is—sadness. As much as I want to move on, I also want to pause and savor the experience of this grief, to remember the best and worst parts of what we were together and keep them in my memory, in my heart. I have never known this type of sadness—that is at once all embracing and pervasive and also enlightening—pain that is melancholic without being melancholy itself. In the mornings, I wake up, I shower, I do my work (albeit distractedly), I cry and remember and yearn and regret, I can relate to and empathize with humanity in a new way, now acquainted with the devastation of heartbreak...just like when my father died last years.
The beginnings of love and a broken heart are quite similar - cruelly so. The gut-wrenching feeling of not being able to eat or sleep or function without thinking of someone? Present and correct. The difference is that when you’re in love, you know it’s only going to get better. With a broken heart, you have no such guarantee.
It’s amazing how much we try to convince ourselves that we are fine but our heart knows the truth and never fails to remind us with the painful pang of memories Even reading this now, I have tears in my eyes because I so desperately wanted to believe the words that I wrote. Maybe I believed them at the time, as my mind was swimming with optimism. The reality was that I would not be “just fine” for quite some time. And that’s ok.
How do I mend a broken heart ?
My entire world has fallen apart.
How do I find hope in a brand new day,
when the one I love has gone away ?
My mind overflows with memories of you,
of all that we've shared, all that we knew.
I long for your touch and your warm embrace,
the look in your eyes, the smile on your face.
My dreams are filled with your soft gentle kiss,
I wake and cry for all that I miss.
How do I mend a broken heart,
when my one true love and I are apart ?
My heart knows to love only you, it won't let go, what do I do ?
Our moments together were precious and few,
but I cherished them all more than you knew.
I love you my angel and always will,
I loved you then and I love you still.
We quickly entered a committed relationship.But I knew things would change....i would tell her that her feeling for me would change, she kept telling me it will not, that I was perfect for her. And with that...with her reassurance, I open my heart wide...after having the worst year last year...losing my father, breaking up with a girlfriend and being ill.
I really don't know where I went wrong. I was honest, Constantly giving....loving... always saying yes to her. I don't know what more I could have done? HOW MUCH MORE HONEST CAN I BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP? I guess the resentment started when every little thing I wanted us to do she would say NO. I later found out, it was not intentional, her business is not doing well. and she want to get out and she is under so much stress that she can't handle anymore stress. I would have been more understanding if she was more open about this in the beginning.
She gave me a taste of love and took it all away. She told me she would never take herself away from me and did. I ask her to promise me to never leave me when we had sex for the first time and she did. Those few months, my life was perfect. Everything was falling into place.
I loved her so much and I still love her... I am constantly tormenting myself hoping that she will just change and love me like she did before but it only ends up hurting me more because she never acts out of my expectations
You know, all along I had thought the word “heartbreak” was just a metaphor to describe deep sadness. I didn’t realize it was an actual descriptor.
Here was the woman who promised me she would never let me go, who earn my trust,who told me she loved me, whom I trusted with all my heart. She turned out to be the same woman who hurt me the most. I guess the death of my father and my illness made my heart open more and became more sensitive. My heart felt like it had cracked and broken into different pieces. I felt both emotional pain and physical pain in my heart.
Many people know me as a strong guy, independent, fearless, who wasn’t daunted by anything. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be unaffected despite what happened. No pity parties, no sob stories. I was no sap. I wanted to stand up tall and overcome whatever was before me.
But inside me, was a little boy: small, vulnerable, angry and hurt. I was crushed. As much as I tried to be strong, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I had opened myself up to this woman, trusted her, fell for her, I concluded that if she didn't love me enough because I wasn’t good enough.
This is just a simple post one that holds pieces of my pain and also of my faith. These are just a series of sentences strung together and addressed to the holder of the fragmented pieces of my heart. She looked at me in a way that stirred a place inside my soul I hadn’t known existed. .
Dear You Know Who,
Let me explain to you what it feels like to be told you are perfect in every way. Let me convey the emotions that rip through a man like myself when he is convinced he is someone’s forever. Let me express the hope and loyalty that is instilled inside of a guy who built up wall after wall only to feel as though they were peacefully torn down by a woman who pulled him deeply into her love. I cannot formulate those emotions into words the same way I cannot describe the way it felt to have you rip that all to pieces.
I want you to know that I loved you. I even loved you when you decided that you didn’t love me anymore. I think a part of me still loves you while I sit here in the darkness, face hot with tears and disillusionment.
The difference between you and I is that my love is unwavering. It is a love that is deep inside of my soul and gives restoration to my faith in other people. People in this world are going to hurt me. They have, and they will again. They will love me and leave me. Sometimes they will do both, as you have decided to do. You have shattered my heart, but you have not shattered my love. Love is not something that is cast aside and broken. It is something that resides safely inside of each and every one us if we choose to recognize it.
You have broken my heart, but you have not broken my love. I know you have it too, deep inside of you, and my love allows me to genuinely hope that you will understand it one day. There are no simple letters written about simple heartbreaks. There is only one simple concept, and that is that love is the most powerful entity in the world. So, I will probably allow a few more tears to fall down for the next few months in your honor. I will most likely shed more when see something I know would make you smile. But I will be OK. I will be OK because the love inside of me is strong and true. I will be OK because no matter how many people trample on my heart, they will never take my love. No one can.
With love,
The sadness I am feeling now is exactly what it is—sadness. As much as I want to move on, I also want to pause and savor the experience of this grief, to remember the best and worst parts of what we were together and keep them in my memory, in my heart. I have never known this type of sadness—that is at once all embracing and pervasive and also enlightening—pain that is melancholic without being melancholy itself. In the mornings, I wake up, I shower, I do my work (albeit distractedly), I cry and remember and yearn and regret, I can relate to and empathize with humanity in a new way, now acquainted with the devastation of heartbreak...just like when my father died last years.
The beginnings of love and a broken heart are quite similar - cruelly so. The gut-wrenching feeling of not being able to eat or sleep or function without thinking of someone? Present and correct. The difference is that when you’re in love, you know it’s only going to get better. With a broken heart, you have no such guarantee.
It’s amazing how much we try to convince ourselves that we are fine but our heart knows the truth and never fails to remind us with the painful pang of memories Even reading this now, I have tears in my eyes because I so desperately wanted to believe the words that I wrote. Maybe I believed them at the time, as my mind was swimming with optimism. The reality was that I would not be “just fine” for quite some time. And that’s ok.
How do I mend a broken heart ?
My entire world has fallen apart.
How do I find hope in a brand new day,
when the one I love has gone away ?
My mind overflows with memories of you,
of all that we've shared, all that we knew.
I long for your touch and your warm embrace,
the look in your eyes, the smile on your face.
My dreams are filled with your soft gentle kiss,
I wake and cry for all that I miss.
How do I mend a broken heart,
when my one true love and I are apart ?
My heart knows to love only you, it won't let go, what do I do ?
Our moments together were precious and few,
but I cherished them all more than you knew.
I love you my angel and always will,
I loved you then and I love you still.
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