PERSONAL: MY HEART IS BROKEN

A while ago, I was in a relationsip, during a completely unexpected time in my life—she came out of nowhere, and was nothing and everything I imagined her to be. From the beginning, I saw and felt something in her that I haven't felt in a long time. She actually told me how perfect I was...something I haven't heard since Joanne..and that is a long long long time ago. I don't know why i am crying writing this. I didn't want to get hurt. I told her everything about me. Everything. I didn't hide anything. All my fears, secrets, everything and she still wanted to be with me. She even told me how she wanted to have my baby...my child. She read my blog. This was just one of the many things that connected us, though it undoubtedly fostered the intensity and depth we experienced together. And when she told me she loved me... Our love was wild and enveloping—consumptive, fiery, powerful, and in every sense deeply felt.

 We quickly entered a committed relationship.But I knew things would change....i would tell her that her feeling for me would change, she kept telling me it will not, that I was perfect for her. And with that...with her reassurance, I open my heart wide...after having the worst year last year...losing my father, breaking up with a girlfriend and being ill.

I really don't know where I went wrong. I was honest, Constantly giving....loving... always saying yes to her. I don't know what more I could have done? HOW MUCH MORE HONEST CAN I BE IN  THIS RELATIONSHIP? I guess the resentment started when every little thing I wanted us to do she would say NO. I later found out, it was not intentional, her business is not doing well. and  she want to get out and she is under so much stress that she can't handle anymore stress. I would have been more understanding if she was more open about this in the beginning.

She gave me a taste of love and took it all away. She told me she would never take herself away from me and did. I ask her to promise me to never leave me when we had sex for the first time and she did. Those few months, my life was perfect. Everything was falling into place.

I loved her so much and I still love her... I am constantly tormenting myself hoping that she will just change and love me like she did before but it only ends up hurting me more because she never acts out of my expectations

You know, all along I had thought the word “heartbreak” was just a metaphor to describe deep sadness. I didn’t realize it was an actual descriptor. 

Here was the woman who promised me she would never let me go, who earn my trust,who told me she loved me, whom I trusted with all my heart.  She turned out to be the same woman who hurt me the most. I guess the death of my father and my illness made my heart open more and became more sensitive. My heart felt like it had cracked and broken into different pieces. I felt both emotional pain and physical pain in my heart.

Many people know me as a strong guy, independent, fearless, who wasn’t daunted by anything. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be unaffected despite what happened. No pity parties, no sob stories. I was no sap. I wanted to stand up tall and overcome whatever was before me.


But inside me, was a little boy: small, vulnerable, angry and hurt. I was crushed. As much as I tried to be strong, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I had opened myself up to this woman, trusted her, fell for her, I concluded that if she didn't love me enough because I wasn’t good enough.


This is just a simple post one that holds pieces of my pain and also of my faith. These are just a series of sentences strung together and addressed to the holder of the fragmented pieces of my heart. She looked at me in a way that stirred a place inside my soul I hadn’t known existed. .

Dear You Know Who,

Let me explain to you what it feels like to be told you are perfect in every way. Let me convey the emotions that rip through a man like myself when he is convinced he is someone’s forever. Let me express the hope and loyalty that is instilled inside of a guy who built up wall after wall only to feel as though they were peacefully torn down by a woman who pulled him deeply into her love. I cannot formulate those emotions into words the same way I cannot describe the way it felt to have you rip that all to pieces.

I want you to know that I loved you. I even loved you when you decided that you didn’t love me anymore. I think a part of me still loves you while I sit here in the darkness, face hot with tears and disillusionment.

The difference between you and I is that my love is unwavering. It is a love that is deep inside of my soul and gives restoration to my faith in other people. People in this world are going to hurt me. They have, and they will again. They will love me and leave me. Sometimes they will do both, as you have decided to do. You have shattered my heart, but you have not shattered my love. Love is not something that is cast aside and broken. It is something that resides safely inside of each and every one us if we choose to recognize it.

You have broken my heart, but you have not broken my love. I know you have it too, deep inside of you, and my love allows me to genuinely hope that you will understand it one day. There are no simple letters written about simple heartbreaks. There is only one simple concept, and that is that love is the most powerful entity in the world. So, I will probably allow a few more tears to fall down for the next few months in your honor. I will most likely shed more when see something I know would make you smile. But I will be OK. I will be OK because the love inside of me is strong and true. I will be OK because no matter how many people trample on my heart, they will never take my love. No one can.

With love,




The sadness I am feeling now is exactly what it is—sadness. As much as I want to move on, I also want to pause and savor the experience of this grief, to remember the best and worst parts of what we were together and keep them in my memory, in my heart. I have never known this type of sadness—that is at once all embracing and pervasive and also enlightening—pain that is melancholic without being melancholy itself. In the mornings, I wake up, I shower, I do my work (albeit distractedly), I cry and remember and yearn and regret, I can relate to and empathize with humanity in a new way, now acquainted with the devastation of heartbreak...just like when my father died last years.

The beginnings of love and a broken heart are quite similar - cruelly so. The gut-wrenching feeling of not being able to eat or sleep or function without thinking of someone? Present and correct. The difference is that when you’re in love, you know it’s only going to get better. With a broken heart, you have no such guarantee.

It’s amazing how much we try to convince ourselves that we are fine but our heart knows the truth and never fails to remind us with the painful pang of memories Even reading this now, I have tears in my eyes because I so desperately wanted to believe the words that I wrote. Maybe I believed them at the time, as my mind was swimming with optimism. The reality was that I would not be “just fine” for quite some time. And that’s ok.



How do I mend a broken heart ?
My entire world has fallen apart.
How do I find hope in a brand new day,
when the one I love has gone away ?
My mind overflows with memories of you,
of all that we've shared, all that we knew.
I long for your touch and your warm embrace,
the look in your eyes, the smile on your face.
My dreams are filled with your soft gentle kiss,
I wake and cry for all that I miss.
How do I mend a broken heart,
when my one true love and I are apart ?
My heart knows to love only you, it won't let go, what do I do ?
Our moments together were precious and few,
but I cherished them all more than you knew.
I love you my angel and always will,
I loved you then and I love you still.