DATING: YOU ARE NOT IN THE CIRCLE OF TRUST

Unfortunately we seem to have dropped our standards of what a relationship or someone being interested constitutes. In ‘olden times’ (read: pre text, email, IM, Facebook, Twitter, blogs etc), if someone wasn’t calling you and arranging to see you regularly, plus the relationship wasn’t growing, you knew they weren’t making an effort and that they had limitedinterest. In ‘modern times’, we think that when someone isn’t calling us and possibly not even seeing us that often, but they are using the written word in these modern ways, and enjoying the ‘trappings’ of being a couple such as sex, that they are interested although we may realise on some level that it’s not as much as we would like. For those of us that live in Lala Land and would rather have a semblance of a ‘relationship’ on some terms rather than no terms, all this tippy-tapping of messages convinces us that they’re interested; it’s just that some obstacle is preventing them from getting in touch via traditional means or they’re ‘shy’ or ‘busy’ or that it’s the ‘new’ way of doing relationships.

In our minds, surely someone who isn’t really interested in us, wouldn’t continue to text, email, instant message and give the impression of being interested while sleeping with us, maybe expecting us to listen to their problems and give them an ego stroke? Believe it. We want to be understanding. We don’t want to be too needy. To put the pressure on. To…oooh…have expectations and standards. We want to be easy going and the last thing we want to do is scare them off by attempting to clarify where we stand. Here’s the thing: If you expecting bare basics such as being called and to be able to call on a regular basis, is going to scare them off, you 1) have to recognise that the relationship is doomed and that 2) you could stand to raise your standards somewhat. The fact that someone would ever put you in the position of not knowing when you might hear from them next, or having your calls avoided, or them disappearing and then texting trying to pick up where they left off, or any other completely shady behavior, is indicative of an interaction without basic respect. The reality is this: Relationships require effort, connection, and intimacy as well as love, care, trust, and respect, and so the way of ‘olden times’ is actually exactly as it is now.

If you’re not calling and making genuine, human efforts that involve voice and sight to grow your relationship, and instead are relying on lazy forms of communication, you’re in a lazy ‘arrangement’ with a limited connection that is fostering false intimacy and building sandcastles in the sky. If they’re not calling me regularly or at all, and instead are opting for distanced means of communication, you are not that interested in me – they’re stoking your fire for when they next want your company. If you predominantly want to communicate via text, email etc, you’re passing time with me and keeping me on the fringes of your life, not the ‘inner circle’. As they say in ‘Meet The Parents’ – you’re not in the “circle of trust”.

It’s not because they’re shy. It’s not because they’re The Busiest Person on Earth. It’s not because they’re better at sending texts than talking. It’s not because they’re saving up everything for when they see you.