DATING: LOWERING YOUR STANDARD?

In the past, I have not had particularly high standards for the woman that I have dated.  I had this idea of what I wanted but I pursued it with people who I wasn’t right for and who weren’t right for me.  I like to give people chances to prove themselves, chances far beyond what’s reasonable.  I’m great at overlooking the negative in favor of the positive.  Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t.  It’s when the negative shouldn’t be overlooked that I get myself in trouble.  I haven’t been great at distinguishing what’s an acceptable flaw and what isn’t.

I recently went on a few dates with one woman.  By the end of the date there were little things that were already starting to drive me crazy.  I could already see our future together and in consisted of me being constantly annoyed by her.  My first reaction was to try to see past it and to focus on all the things I liked about this woman.  We had a lot in common and conversed pretty easily. Yeah well, those are the worst.  Reasons.  Ever.  Do you know how many people are out there who I could say the same about?  You probably don’t and it’s because THERE ARE SO MANY.  That’s like, the most basic criteria for a relationship ever.

I really do not have to give every single person I meet a chance.  There are SO many potential suitors out there.  Why in the world would I settle just because we like the same books?  Like seriously.  Having things in common is definitely a plus but is NOT the be all, end all of a relationship.  Not by far. And there I was, considering trying to change who I am in order to accommodate this woman who was more or less still a stranger, who had given me absolutely no reason to do so.  Like what is that?  Why in the world would I do that?

Given my history, this isn’t surprising in the slightest, but if I don’t learn from my history then I am doomed to repeat it and that is something I don’t particularly want to do at all, thanks.Nope. I mean it’s really not difficult for my standards to be higher than they previously were, but apparently I am now too picky,  I really don’t think that’s true, but even if it is, it’s still better than my former approach, so I don’t really mind.  I’m not aggressively pursuing anything serious right now anyway, so why would I bother with woman who I’m not attracted to or don’t really interest me?  Why should I waste my time on date after date, hoping that things will improve, when I wasn’t that interested in the first place?

After several failed attempts in the whole dating department, I’ve learned what definitely doesn’t work for me and I’ve learned to respect certain aspects of myself that just aren’t going to change.  Unfortunately, those are aspects that I don’t exactly like, but try as I might, I’m unable to change, and I think that’s ok. My time is valuable.  It’s valuable to me.  I see nothing productive coming from investing much of it to giving everyone I meet   I already tried that.  It didn’t work too well.  If it were my dream to befriend every living human on this planet, then I would be all about that. As it is, I find most people to be terrible and I don’t really want to meet them at all.  Maybe that’s horrible and self-absorbed of me.  I don’t care.  I’m trying something new.  I’ve gone from one end of the spectrum to the very other and it’s actually working out pretty well so far.

I’ve kind of got an idea of who I am and what I want.  I expect a lot from myself and as such, I hold other people to the same standard.  I want to surround myself with exceptional people and won’t settle for anything less.

They* tell you you should not worry about having a girlfriend. You should just have fun with your friends, get out and eventually you’ll meet one. Well, don’t believe it. First of all you’ve got to have some friends to do that. Second of all those friends have to have other single friends for you to meet. That’s not my friends and never has been at any time in my life.

The other advice I’ve heard is to *DO* something that gets you near other people that have like interests. The typical examples being things like church, sports, clubs (bowling, chess, tennis, dancing etc.) Where’s the video games club or the internet club or the computer club? Sorry but although it might be fun to bowl, if that’s the only thing we have in common it’s not gonna work. And worse, every time I’ve tried one of those things there’s nobody I’m interested in or that’s even close to a match.


There always seems to be a “but.” with everyone that resond to me. I suddenly wondered, why does there need to be a “but”? Why am I agreeing to spend time with these wpmen who are always “nice, but”; “funny, but”? Right then and there we made a decision. We weren’t going to deal with the models, the uneducated, the boring or the unmotivated woman. We decided that there wasn’t going to be a “but” anymore. The truth is, you get what you think you deserve.

I don’t deserve a “but.” I deserve what I want; I don’t want to lower the bar anymore. I don’t deserve to go on these endless dates and have relationships with women who don’t deserve my time — women whose flaws I don’t want to look past. So, why do we continue to look past the flaws? How we see ourselves is reflected in our relationships. I’ve seen it in every relationship — or semi-relationship — I’ve ever had. I have tried so many times to make something work because I have an idea in my head of what “she” looks like. Wanting to be loved is natural; we all want to be validated and to have someone in our lives who thinks we’re special. We all love love. That’s a fact that many of us try to deny, but it’s really just the truth.  I am finding dating exhausting and time consuming when it should be fun and easy. Dating shouldn’t be a chore.I want to find love one day. I want to find my perfect person and have a family and a brood of interesting and independent children.I know now that I’m not going to be happy if I continue lowering my standards and allowing all of these “buts” to come into my life. Little by little, I’ve become stronger and learned to work as hard as I can for everything I have. I’m starting to understand who I am as a person, I am beginning to realize that the person I am should be reflected in the person I want to date. Maybe the first step is really, concretely deciding what I deserve. I deserve a woman who is as kind as I am.  Who actually care about me. The me with the unshaved faced. The me that loves movies.. The me who is close to my parents and sisters. That’s the me that the woman I deserve is going to love. She’s going to have to be able to sit on the couch, for hours on end,  while we tell incredibly offensive jokes and explicate sexually pervasive stories.And she’s going to have to be okay with it — no, she’s going to have to love it. I’m a wild, complicated, nervous and wonderful person, and the love that I deserve is going to have to deserve me. Because you know what? I’m really f*cking great. I know that I’m going to make a million more mistakes and go on a thousand more dates with woman who aren’t the woman of my dreams. But when that woman does come along, you better believe she’s going to be a woman who deserves me. She is going to deserve me.