PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER: YOUR HEARTBEAT BECOMING THE ONLY LULLABY I'LL EVER NEED

 Dear Soulmate

Above anything else, I am terrified. Above my love for you. Above the sheer bliss I feel when I’m with you. Above everything, above it all.

I’d rather die than let you go. So why am I entertaining that thought…why am I holding on to it? In your eyes, in your voice, in your touch there is no you. You don’t exist. Everything is clear. And when I am away I miss your presence. Every time I become certain of my decision, something is done to rock that certainty. I still love you…so deeply it hurts to think about. You will never understand how deep…how strong my love for you is. You will never…you have never loved me as much as I love you. If you had never did what you did…I would have loved you forever. I would have never let go. And that scares me. I love you too much.

Regardless of what has happened, you are still the beautiful woman who I gave my heart to. I don’t regret that decision. I need you to understand that I still love you as much as I always have. But this isn’t about me telling you how much I love you. You already know that. I spill my guts out to you daily; the good, the bad, and the horrendous. Now it’s your turn. Spill your guts out, love. Show me everything.

Once upon a time, I compared falling in love to facing a monster. Well the same can be said about letting go; it’s like facing a monster. It’s called “falling in love” for a reason. Once you fall, you’re kind of stuck. You don’t mind at the time because at the bottom of this well is someone who is just as stranded as you are. Until they find a way out…then you’re on your own. Unlucky for you, you haven’t the slightest clue as to what to do. It’s cold and dark. You are lonely. You are scared. Then, when you finally do make it out, you’re never truly out. You still bear the scars and have the memories. You never leave the same as you were before. Darkness does that to you. Darkness changes you.

You know what’s really scary? How fast emotions can change. How fast feelings can disappear.

I’ve always wondered, in the course of a relationship, at what point does love die?Is it sudden; an abrupt revelation? Or is it gradual? Does it die a little more each day until it has turned into a whisper? How does one even begin to fall out of love? The thought seems so..unfathomable. But in reality I’ve seen it happen too many times to count.

How can you go from promising someone forever, to hating them? How do you hate someone you once loved? Was the love an illusion? It’s hard for me to wrap my head around. See, people will tell you that heart break is just a part of life. Divorce is practically encouraged in today’s society. What happened to “‘Till death do us part.”? Did everyone just conveniently skip that part?

"I do….for right now."

"I love you….for right now."

This letter was more questions than anything else, but it’s just something that’s been weighing on my mind. Something I’m confused about. But know this, when I say I love you, it’s not an I love you for right now. It’s an I love you right now, today, tomorrow, next week, and for the rest of my life.

My mom says a man’s love is dangerous. When he loves, he loves with everything. He’d willingly give up everything for his woman; she becomes his whole world. You know what? She’s right.

I wish there was some way I could show you just how much I love you. Saying it isn’t enough. I can’t think about you without smiling, without feeling this…heaviness settle in my chest. I can’t say your name without tasting you. I can’t write these letters without having to pause to collect my thoughts.

There’s this…suffocating feeling I get whenever you’re not near me. And now that summer is gone I know that this drowning feeling is here to stay. So I’m acquainting myself with it; familiarizing myself with this ache that will frequent itself in my thoughts. Like I’m a dying patient and your an oxygen mask; I need you to breathe. I’m dying for you to hold me. I love your voice. I love your eyes. I love your smile. I hang on to every word you say. I know that all of this is such a cliche, so that’s why I write it here because it’s the only way I know how to get all of this out.


I have that odd-one-out feeling in every given situation. I’m an afterthought. I have to inject myself into everything and I feel like I’ve done that with you. xxxxxx said it best; I feel like a speck of dust. Harmless and invisible until I fling myself into your eyes and force you to see only me. I’m so terrified that eventually you’re going to get irritated and claw at your eyes until I’ve been dislodged.

I guess I’m…jealous? I don’t want to call it that because I don’t think it’s jealousy… I just get filled with disdain and grief whenever I see you with your friends, solely because you look so natural. You fit. I suppose that’s your “where I belong”. And I hate that because I know I could never fit. People are like puzzle pieces; you look for the people who look like you. But see….I haven’t found anyone who looks like me. I’m that one little piece at the bottom of the toy box, practically forgotten. No one knows what the hell I go to but I’m kept around because maybe, just maybe, you’ll find my matching set.

So I hate your friends. They’re all really really lucky. They’re around you more. They’ve known you longer. They’re your matching set and I can never be part of that.

That’s fine though. I only love you as much as anyone my age could love someone. But it’s only love…

I know I’m going to be restless tonight. I’m dead tired but sleep isn’t inviting me. Instead I’m wishing the heat from your skin still echoed through every part of my body. I’m wishing I still felt your breath on my neck. The memory of your kiss still burned into my thoughts. I can still taste you on my tongue and suddenly you seem miles and miles away. To far to reach by any means.

This is how I think. Silently wishing I was in your arms; my head on your chest feeling the steady rise and fall of your lungs. Completely taking in the fact that you’re here and you’re real and you’re mine. You’re mine and I am yours…Falling asleep in your arms…

Your heartbeat becoming the only lullaby I’ll ever need.