Have you ever felt the pain that some songs can make you feel?" Have you ever felt as if they were pulling you apart, tearing you from the inside out? For a moment you are nothing, until the pieces come back, are pasted together from the outside in, and you find yourself different?
I was talking to a friend just last night and heard him admit that he was in a loveless relationship. Said that he was with a girl for her body, because she was gorgeous and physically embodied everything he thought he wanted. But he couldn't stand her personality. She was too wild and crazy, too demanding. All thought circled purely around her own orbit. She had the mind, intelligence, and opportunity required to do something with her life. But didn't have the inclination to use them. Why put in effort, when due to beauty the world was handed to her on a silver platter?
So why was he with her? Because he felt small inside. Because part of him hated, had always hated who he was. Blame it on the family or home life. Blame it on the fact that his parents are addicts. Blame it on low self-esteem and the decision he made years ago to leave home at 19. Blame it on whatever you like, but part of him enjoyed how being around this woman made him feel large. Part of him was scared that if he dumped her he would never nab such a beautiful woman again. To dump her meant dumping the feeling of being large, and he wasn't willing to give this up. Not yet.
Attraction should go worlds beyond skin deep. I wanted to tell him that he was large, that he was talented and attractive. I wanted to tell him that he needed to be with a woman that mirrored this, who told him this. But I knew that he wouldn't believe me. I knew that no one can teach you how to love yourself; it's a solo journey. Self-love is a gradual process we each tell ourselves we're going to make but put off for later. Until it creeps up on you, and gradually you realize that you no longer question your place in the world, the way people treat you, the looks you might get on the street. You're no longer tripping over your own words, analyzing just how well they're being perceived. You no longer stop yourself from showing compassion, kindness, fear, vulnerability, joy, hilarity. You let what's serious and what's goofy out. You stop wondering if there's something inside you need to hide. You just relax. I wanted to tell him about my own journey. How it's been an uphill battle and I've just reached the top, am just getting a view from the crest of the mountain. It was a long way up, it's a long way down, and there are still miles left to go. Once you've looked inside and realized how beautiful you can be it takes an effort to maintain that sight. You have to remind yourself not to forget. You need some constant piece of it to hold onto. Sometimes I look in the mirror and the man I see is a surprise. He looks more refreshed than I remember, or more tired. He looks like he might cry, so instead I make him laugh. He looks vulnerable so I pull out a smile. He reminds me that I'm more than a pair of eyes five feet seven inches above the ground staring out at the world. He reminds me of what the world sees when
it sees me, and how shallow that sight can be. Skin is just an exterior, a glaze over what's inside. The body can stretch only so far, but your mind and your thoughts stretch a universe farther. Like a movement of air, or gust of wind your mind can go on journeys the body could never reach.
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