In my thirties I often found myself slouching along, living not with a bang but a whimper. I had expected that by then I'd be happily married with children. Instead, my dating pattern had been mainly a series of disastrous flings.
Desperate for a more satisfying life, I sought help from therapists and became a compulsive reader of self-help books, devouring every scrap of advice I thought might help shore up my sagging self-esteem and get my life on track. I eventually found a spiritual practice that would help me learn that the universe really was on my side.
It began with a simple, recurring message: The answers to my search for meaning were to be found within. I had only to listen to and follow the longings of my heart. As I began to tune in to this message, I began to honor my inner yearnings.
When we expect another human being to make us happy or heal us, we put them on a pedestal and look to them as our saviros. We do this with love relationships. We all too often look at our partnership to define us and focus them in hopes of filling the empty hole inside us, which can only be filled by a connectedness to Spirit or God. We idolize relationship rather than working on our own self-realization. What you think you should get from a relationship--a sense of peace, security, sex, is really only attainable by getting in touch with your spiritual nature. You shouldn't depend on the fantasy that someone should be everything to you. Relationship cannot take the place of Spirit, they can only serve to show us the way to it. Because the purpose of life is to grow and become ever more intimate with God, we will continuously disappointed by the ego's promise of external fulfillment until we finally get frustrated enough to consider another possibility. Being "let down" by your partner is one of those blessing in disguise. If we are let down often enough and hard enough, we might stop pinning our dreams on an impossibility and instead begin to wake up to our self---that core aspect of ourselves that is Spirit. Much as we bemoan the insufficiencies of our relationship with our partner, that disappointment can motivate us to look deeper. We may keep looking to other people for a while, hoping against hope that there is someone else out there who can provide us with what we need, but eventually we will give up. Giving up has no a negative connotation. When i mention giving up...i am mention SURRENDER to the spirit...or God. When we have exhausted our personal effort and still don't hav the joy we want, we can turn to the divine for intervention. The moment we give up the idea that love is something to find out there is the moment it comes flooding into our awareness.
When I was with Melissa..all of my fear and insecurities I'd long since stuffed away came pouring out. I became a crazy person as I struggled through the dramas to avoid facing things I had never wanted to look at. Being with her triggered my hidden rage, my feeling of worthlessness, and my controlling behavior. I had always projected the image of a laid back and confident, but that woman held my nose up to far less appealing aspect of myself until I had no choice but to do some deep inner work and become stronger. The relationship with all its heartbreaks, inspired me to look at myself and figure out what need to change. To this day, I remain grateful to her to make me more strong. I would never return to her, or wish to relive those times, but I know that by going through it all, a great healing occureed. My being drawn to her had divine purpose in it, and by staying in the game I became mroe conscious...the relationship woke me up in a sense.
It is inevitable that we will awaken to who we are, how long that awakening takes depends upon how tightly we cling to the idea that soulmate should be the be-all and end-all. The very nature of seeking implies that you don't believe you already have what you're looking for, and implicit in that is a sense of lack, emptiness. When you project lack, lack is reflected back to you....you manifest what you believe. You must have notice that I am not online that much anymore...I am become to believe that I don;t lack love. If you were to lose your soulmate, would your happiness be doomed to disappear forever? NO!!!
Relationship worshipping is a form of being spiritually lazy; We need not do deep work if we are reaching for a superficial salve. If I can be with someone who bring excitiement into my life, I don't have to look at why life is not exciting. I don't have to challenge myself to push myself to grow. A partner can inspire us to see things differently, but they can't be the light that keeps us aglow. We need God for that. We have to find our own joy by BEING joyful. We have to find our own excitement by BEING exciting. We have to find our own love by BEING THE VERY LOVE WE SEEK. Only by becoming ever more conscious of our spiritual nature can we move swiftly along the road to experiencing more and more happiness.
Trust me..you will be tested along the way. Can you be happy spite of being alone? Do you feel good about yourself even if you partner is no telling you great things about yourself?
In a very real way, the level at which you operate determines the quality of character and depth of your soul you draw to yourself, the partner you are with or the partner on thie way is very much a reflection of what is inside of you. As you change you energy, your relationship will transform.
At any given moment, we are constantly making decision based on either love or fear. For many of us, fear is a natural mindset. We might have learned from our parent the we'd better be on guard, or picked up their habit of worrying or being pesimistic. If we want to experience more love, we have to start making decision.
Committing yourself to a relationship means more than promising not to see anyone else. It means you consider your partner's welfear as seriously as you do your own. You are saying "I promise to be loving, and I will support your growth in every way I can. This mean that when the going gets tough, you don't cut and run..you hang in there.
If God were looking at your through the eyes of your partner, wouldn't you have more patience, give more support, and make wahtever effort necessary? Wouldn't you be your kindest and most loving self?Of course you would, and you would trust that whatever wsa going on between you was a backdrop that only served to fineune your spiritual growth. How do you deal with conflict? Let's say you want to start a family and your partner doesn't. You have two choice
1-i really want to have a baby but I don't want to lose you, so I will give up my deram and do what you want
or
2-I really want to have a baby and I can see that this is not something you are ready for. Can we revisit this conversation in six month when you might open be more open to it? If not, and you are really sure it's a closed issue, perhaps we should consider what route we can take so both of us will be happy., I love you and I know you love me, so let's find a way to do what is best for both.
Commitment mean approaching your partner with respect and treating him or her lovingly. This doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have frustated feeling and it doesn't even mean you can't decide to part ways at some point if you both see that what you want out of life is entirely different.
To make a commitment also means setting your intentinos. By doing so, you clarify for youreself---and the power to be---what you want from the relationships. That clarity draws to you circumstance that reflect your goals, and attracts whatever stands in the way of your having that goal. This means that as soon as you make a commitment to someone or something new, you can pretty sure that anything that runs counter to that commitment will materialize in a effort to keep you in your old comfort zone. .
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