I spent my whole life in a hurry to do everything....to complete the smallest task, to talk, to read, to achieve, to fuck, to fall in love ...to be enlightened. It was as if I were racing against an invisible clock that only I could see. Why was I in such a rush? What drove me to be this way. Suddenly I knew the answer. I had been in an eternal battle with emptiness. I was trying to fill up the empty space, afraid that to fill any void I encountered, whether it was unoccupied space in a conversation, unoccupited time in my schedule, unoccupied space on my wall, my desk, my shelves, my closet or anywhere else in my home, and especially, and most difficult to admit, unoccupied space in my heart.
I collapsed into this void, and let it become my very breath, my very awareness, the very beat of my beat of my heart. This is what I had been running from all of my life. Now it filled my days and nights with its unmistakable and demanding presence. And now, somehow, I surrendered to it, perhaps knowing that this is waht all of my digging deep had finally brought me to.
There is a paradox of our life journey. We sem to be traveling somewhere, but we have actually been moving in circle, spiraling more and more deeply inward as we discover who and what we are. Everything we experience, everything we love, everything we lose and everything we gain ultimately serve to reveal more and more of our self to us. A life is seen as complete when one has finished his own circle of lessons and learning. So, too, we are riding on our own cosmis merry-go-round. Even though we have believed otherwise, we aren't really gong anywhere. Where have we been rushing to, we wonder? What did we expect to find when we got there? What is at the center of the circle? Where is the sacred spiraling of our journey leading us? What is it that we will discover in the here and now? Here, in the center of teh circle of our existence.....Our true self is the same as that infinitely intelligent energy that has created all things. Everything we think we are---our mind, our personality, our experience--are all just expression of the one source. Realization is everything. They invite us to remembr where we are really going, to understand that every achievement, every loss, every relationship, every problem, every lession--all of these are delivering us to the same destination: the placeless place of truth and meaning within ourselves. We need to discover the inner sanctuary hidden beneath our difficulties, beneath our pain, beneath our successes, beneath our dramas, beneath even what appear to be obstacles to our joy. You are more than the events of your outer journey
How do we measure a life? In dollars earned? In how many material things we possessed? In how perfectly we did everything? In what other people thought of us? In how old we lived to be? When I measure my life in love, I find myself rich beyond imagination. I have loved deeply. I have loved often. I have loved passionately. Somehow I have emerged from my own recent challenges and awakening able to feel even more, give even more, and love even more.
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