THE RULES
1- STOP SELF-BLAME: Thinking you are the worst human being alive and that you should be whipped You blame yourself for not getting the promotion or even because someone failed to say Hello to you. BAD ME! You may have behaved badly and the fact that u are guilty of wrong behavior and then u feel guilty over that behavior. It means that u have labeled yourself by your behavior. Your thinking goes like this-
I am guilty of being rude to that waiter….that means I am bad
STOP and think what you are doing to yourself when you blame yourself
-you think you are unworthy of belonging to the human race
-you see yourself as a species apart from all others
-you smear yourself with verbal filth so that you stink to yourself
-you treat yourself as though others should spit on you and avoid u like the plague
-you tar and feather yourself with invisible hate and loathing
-you physically punish yourself with burning cigarettes or cut yourself with razor blades
*******if someone else were to do all these acts to you—wouldn’t u think he was the meanest
and cruelest human being you ever met and wouldn’t you fight for very life not to be treated in
such a shameful manner
ALL OF THIS SELF-TORTURE YOU ARE CLEANSING YOURSELF OF ALL YOUR SINS
Guilty over misdeeds on the grounds that the pain connected with the guilt will prove to be so unpleasant that the act will surely be avoided in the future.
If it is so good to suffer when you do it, why is it wrong if someone else does it?
Self-blame depression is caused by two ideas:
a-we must be perfect or
b-people are bad and should be severely blamed
When others behave badly you are naturally inclined to rate them bad also. They become the
same as a their deeds. Good deeds and you think you are dealing with good humans. Bad deeds, and you think you are dealing with good humans. Bad deeds, and you deal with bad people. Rubbish! Good
deeds do not makes good people. Good deeds makes good carpenters (or whatever), but who says that good carpenters are good human?
There is a underlying trait of all self-blamers. They cannot stand the ugly fact that they are just
human, faulty, mistakes makers, and no amount of work will ever change that trait completely. Still
they of on endlessly neurotically demanding that their behavior has to better than others’ and that unless they stop wrong doing immediately, they deserve the worst kind of treatment.
The bible suggest: loving your neighbor as yourself. Ever religion makes a point of the human being’s recognizing the fact that he is human and no amount of work can make him a God. All religions
accept that fact that man is man, that he is weak and that he will sin no matter how hard he tries not to sin. Man is not perfect, so he must act imperfectly. Only God is perfect and he made us imperfectly. He
has the power of forgiveness regardless of what we have done. The point is if God can forgive us our
terrible behavior, shouldn’t we be equally kind and generous with ourselves.
2-STOP SELF-PITY:
It is neurotic to insist that others treat us fairly, that our kindness be returned with kindness, and
that the world has to be a descent place in which to live. You must learn that while you are living on the face of this earth, unfair and unkind behavior in exchange for your loving efforts is the rule rather than the exception. Two statements cause this:
a-I want my way in this matter and
b-it’s awful if I don’t get my way
As long as you want,desire, prefer, or wish for anything, you will never be upset if you don’t get what it is you desire. It is only when you think that you must be right, when you believe that it is the end of the world not to have your dream yacht on the Mediterranean, and when you feel that it is positively awful if you aren’t elected as the next millionaire. Most of your self-pity comes because we confuse sad events with castrophic or tragic events. We honestly believe that what we area experiencing is awful, the end of the world, and simply unbearable. You have to talk yourself into thinking that an event is unbearable, and most of the time (99%) you are dead wrong. The greatest majority of events in our lives are regrettable, not awful, are disappointing, not catastrophic ;or tragic.
***You are telling yourself that you still wanted to be sweethearts with the girl, and had you stopped there, you would have felt sad and nothing more. But you went farther and convinced yourself
that being rejected is unfair, that it was terrible thing to do after all you had done for her, and that why did all this rotten stuff have to happen to you.
SURE it’s unfair, but why shouldn’t it be? Just because you don’t want unfair things to happen
to you does that mean they can’t? Is it the end of the world just because you didn’t get your way?
Life is an endless series of frustrations. It is for this reason that the pro rather than the amateur
in this business of living is not hell-bent on removing all his frustrations as a condition for a happy
life. No one can go through even so much as one day without being somewhat frustrated. The only persons
who do not experience frustration are up in heaven or in the grave.
The behavior in other changes in a very uneven way. One day a person behaves admirably and maturely and the next day is right back to the same old tricks.
3-FEAR OF REJECTION:
One of the reasons people dread being rejected is their belief that the rejection means that they are no good, that they would not have been rejected had they been different, and that the rejection is proof
of their worthlessness. According to this view, the person who doing the rejection is always right and superior, while the ones rejected is always in the wrong and is somehow faulty
But us this correct? Why isn’t there something wrong with the fellow who rejects me? When you
stop and realize that every single soul who ever lived and is living and will live is neurotic some of the time, how can you continue to think that every judgment made by those neurotics out there must be accurate judgment? It seem to me that this is the first lesson we must all make about the evaluations of
others: Others can be petty, prejudiced, mean, and envious. Their rejection of you tells you more about them than about you. For example, if your friends goes to the grocery counter and buys grapes, peaches,
and bananas, but doesn’t buy apples, what is he telling you about apples? That apples are bad? That
no one else will approve of apples? That apples should feel ashamed of themselves and break down and have a depression? NO! Your friend’s rejection of apples only tells us that he finds them distasteful and prefers other fruit. Other people will surely find these same apples satisfying.
4-OVERCOMING SHYNESS:
They are so convinced of their unworthiness that they are certain everyone else will be as convinced of that fact as they are. When they meet people they automatically view others as superior, threatening, and ready to reject them. When meeting others, they will turn their eyes away or they will blush or they will shake hands in a weak and limp manner. There are signal to the other person that here is a shy, scared, and inferior-feeling person. They could just as well wear a T-shirt bearing the message: I am not a good as you are. I know you’re not going to like me.
To overcome shyness it is imperative that you question the idea that you are somehow totally
inferior to other people in certain respects. The person you want to talk to may be better wage earner,
a better singer, have more education, and so on. But you undoubted have some talents which the person you’re addressing does not have or has in lesser measure. Perhaps you can garden, cook. Most of us have something we can do better than someone else. But the shy person does not see this. He concludes that ,
because he is inferior in one or more ways, he is totally inferior and must feel ashamed.
Some people may not like you on the first meeting because of your dialect, skin color, or appearance. You probably judge others in the same way. Ask yourself if the people you feel superior to are totally worthless. Even shy person cries away from going to parties or asking others if they may join them because of the considerable discomfort they know they’ll experience if they do the social thing. Some sweat under the arms, others tremble at the knees, and still others get tense they stammer, look away. Or blush. Any of these symptoms are easily understood as sign of distress. To the shy person, nevertheless, it is a time of slow death. They are worried about having something to say, whether they’ll sat something to say, whether they’ll say something dumb and make fools of themselves, or if their nervousness will be obvious other will spot it in an instant. All these consideration are irrelevant---totally irrelevant. Sweat blood if you must. Whatever you do, don’t avoid the encounter. If you tell yourself very quickly that this discomfort is not going to kill you, that these people are not going to reject you, that even if they did, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, and that these people are no different from you except in some very specific way, you’ll face the music and smile and talk. To do or not to do then rest on only one consideration: which choice result in the least pain. The answer? Facing a difficult task is overwhelmingly easier in the long run.
And we all drive around in cars that kill over 50,000 people in the United State each year and cripple about a million. Yet none of us quiver, sweat, or shake whenever we step into our cars. We look forward to it. We enjoy the scenery and listen to music while rolling along at high speeds, relatively unmindful of the fact that a drunk could be coming from an opposite direction. WE know that could happen but that doesn’t stop us from driving. Now compare those situation with being introduced to a few stranger at a cocktail party. There is not a ghost of a chance that any of those people are going to pull out a machine gun and shoot you. none of them is going to gang up on you and beat you. They are all going to size you up a bit just as you are sizing them up to see if there is anything that you have in common with them or they with you. Then they will move on and chat with someone else. That is not dangerous. That can never be fatal. It is a totally harmless experience, yet it is perceive by millions of people as a frightening and even terrifying.
5-DON’T SACRIFICE YOURSELF IN RELATIONSHIP-BEING BAD/GOOD GUY
Be as loving and as giving as you can and your mate will love you forever, so the thinking goes.
Forget it. Its not true at all. You are in a relationship because you expect to be happier as a boyfriend that you would alone. That a healthy motive and a selfish one too. If you don’t recognize this fact, you’ll often feel guilty overweening or getting your way. If you allow yourself to become neglected at the expense of doing all manner of niceties for your mate, 3 things will happen.
1-your mate will think everything is just wonderful and you will feel more and more abused
because your needs and desires are being ignored
2-you will hate your mate
3-you’ll hate the relationship
You do not build a good relationship by chronically sacrificing yourself out of a sense of deep love. You
spoil the one you indulge and make yourself miserable. One of the greatest drawbacks of being a nice guy is that you tend to agree too readily with the opinions of others. Too many people think that satisfying their own ends makes them selfish. Think for a moment what that means…If you don’t get your way, someone else is getting his or her way. How can it be otherwise?
Another way to make doormats out of people is through guilt. And one to he best ways to create guilt is to accuse persons of not caring for you, and you do this by appealing to their claims of
love. “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t object to my going hunting,”
She gets her way so often at his expense that he getting:
a-to dislike himself for being so weak
b-to dislike her for insisting on having her way practically all the time
c-to dislike the marriage because it has become a load he is not happy to carry
Many men believe that being very nice to women is the best way to guarantee their love and respect. In other words, the more you do for a women, the more she’ll love you. Not so with many women.
Here is where the rule breaks down. Women do not want to be catered to by the important men in their lives. They don’t mind your being attentive, tender, caring, but be careful that you do not do everything they ask or you’ll lose them. That’s right, lose them.
Before a women can love you she generally has to respect you. If she loses respect for you, she loses the love too. Therefore, you are wiser usually to stand your ground with your girl, deny her from time to time, and assert yourself over her occasionally. She’ll respect you for it. Example—the high school boy takes his girl to a movie. To show his respect for here he asks which movie she wants to see. They go there. They meet some of their friends and he wants to accept an invitation to bring his girl to the home where all the gang is going after they finish at the restaurant, but he asks her first. She wants to go home. They go home. He probably thinks he’s making a great hit. Little does he realize that by never disagreeing with his girl he gives her the impression he’s spineless, that he doesn’t have a mind of his own, o that he’s so desperate to win her approval he’ll put up with almost anything. Women want a man to be strong, not weak. They want to lean upon him and accept direction from him at times, not to run his life or he hers. She’s trying to find out just how much he will take before he puts his foot down and his shoulders back. If he were to assert himself kindly but firmly once in a while, she’d have a great deal more respect for him. And after developing respect, she’d feel more loving. First she’ll complain of not getting her way. If you’re been fair all along, don’t listen to this. It is her way of testing you. She wants to see if she can manipulate you, wrap you around her finger. So she makes those noises, hopping down deep that you’ll stand up to her and say NO. Sometime she’ll push you so far that you any have to choose between giving in to her or face a breakup. This may still be that game she’s playing. Stand pat when you
know you are in the right. If you’re strong enough inwardly to stand her rejection, your chances of earning her admiration go up greatly. She then knows that you cannot be manipulated, her threats of leaving you don’t scare you, and you must be pretty secure. That impresses her and lets her feel she has a strong man, one she can lean on once in a while.
6-STOP ASKING FOR UNDYING APPROVAL FROM YOUR PARENTS:
I did this. I am really upsetting my mother.” Look what a bad son I am” Is that it?
You don’t dare upset your parents because they will reject you and you couldn’t possibly stand that.
At thirty? Now do you really, really still need your father and mother’s undying love, their approval?
The question is …How did you get into that condition?
First, you are letting people make you feel guilty.
Second you are saying, “If I don’t agree with them and do everything they say, they will reject me and I couldn’t stand it if my mother and father didn’t love me. They must love me at all times. I can’t possibly live with their rejection.
“NONSENSE…they don’t make you feel guilty . You have a right to your own desires, and if they get upset, that is their problem. If they reject you, that’s too bad. That mattered when you were three years old, but it hardly matters at 30. It does matter, of course, but not that much when you have to deny yourself the choice of a mate. Or to make a trip. Or whatever. Come on, when are you going to grow up?
What is it going to take? How old do you have to be before you start saying: Okay, mother and father, you want to reject me. Go ahead. “DO you really need their approval anymore?
The other thing you don’t believe is that rejection doesn’t hurt. At the moment you stand up to yourself you think:” But it does hurt. I can’t possibly think of alienating myself from these people
and never have them talk to me again. It would be unbearable” I think not. First of all, they are going to come around. Most parent come around. In any event you are no longer a child. At the moment you stand up to them, remember that.
If people really love you, they are not going to use guilt to make you miserable. Ithough that made sense. If they truly care in the way they say they do, they are going to watch out for feelings too. Its
not going to be a one-way street. If you care for a person, you are not going to manipulate here by her feelings, because that’s just not right.
You will seldom achieve full stature as a mature adult if you wait for conditions to be perfect before asserting yourself. Yet this is a most common rationalization not acting in your own best interests
We must learn that frustrations are a part of life. They are as inevitable as death. You could no more be alive and not have frustration than you could be alive and not eat. More importantly, you can no more live with someone and not be frustrated by him several times during the day than you could read a book without turning the pages. For you to get angry with your loved ones because they are frustrating you is like being angry with them because they breathe. I know you wouldn’t really be that foolish, but with frustrations you are. You think people you love should never frustrate you! What rubbish!
Children have it rammed into them that they must obey unquestioningly. They must believe what they are told. They are encouraged not to think, not to ask question. Rejection is not painful unless you make it so. Once you get into your head that you do not need a particular person’s love and respect, you will change the forces that stifle your very growth.
We have a germ of self-doubt and we distrust ourselves. We will usually wonder “Who am I to
think that I am right and everyone else is wrong? I’m nothing. I’m uneducated, so how can I be so sure I am right?” If you let your feelings of inferiority scare you from thinking freely, then again you will be silenced even though you may have the most productive mind in the world. Let’s face it, some of the more
brilliant thoughts have appeared to us at first glance throughout history to be absurd and stupid.
Shirley wanted to quit school….her parent threatened to cut off all funds, suggested she might not have the privilege of living any longer under their roof, and would not talk to her if she persisted in this wild scheme. Shirley got mad over their threats she couldn’t think straight. After she quickly told herself neurotic trash like they couldn’t do this to her, they had to see things her ways, it was awful to have to be frustrated, and they shouldn’t dominate her because she didn’t want to be dominated. You
unthinkingly insisted that the parent should not treat them as they had. I attempted to show them, however, that neurotic parent must act neurotically---they have no choice. In addition, my clients did
not need to take such behavior personally since these parents would behave in that manner whether
it was toward my client or not. A disturbed person must and will behave as though he is disturbed.
That is how I explain to my angry clients that one’s mother could not help threatening suicide if her
son went off to marry. You cannot be surprised or angered at any neurotic behavior when you truly
accept the fact that your parents ( and everyone else for that matter) are irrational some of the time and some of them are upset a great deal of the time. That may not be nice way to view one’s parents, but if they are neurotic they are neurotic. Hiding from the truth is foolish.
7-SEQUENCE OF GETTING ANGRY:
Anger
You believe at that point that it is awful and horrible if you don’t get everything you want
and that people who frustrate you are bad, and wicked and should be hated for their wickedness.
You are wrong on all counts. People who think they should have everything they want are just full of prunes. Just because other people frustrate you hardly makes them evil and horrible human being who have to be criticized, beaten or killed. You convinced yourself instead that you must have what you
want. You should changed your healthy and natural wishes and desires into neurotic needs and demands. If you don’t get what you want you only become disappointed and regretful. How many of you have wanted to be rich, famous, beautiful, have a yacht on the Rivera- And how many of you got furious
and angry with the world because you didn’t get those things simply because you wanted them?
When you convince yourself that you have to have something and don’t get it, that’s a different story.
Then you become hostile, furious, bitter, resentful, and you want to hurt everyone around you or scream your head off. But don’t you see what caused the anger? It is not the fact that you did not get what you
wanted.
You have undoubtedly seen children throw tantrums. Why do they do this? Obviously because
they don’t get what they think they have to have. Isn’t that why a four year old child scream, kicks fusses , and bangs his head on the floor?
What ‘s the difference between what this child is doing and what you are doing? There’s
only one difference: the kinds of frustration. The child gets disturbed over not getting a ice-cream cone, whereas you wanted a pay raise, or more respect. In other word you have adult concerns, desire, and needs. But when you get angry you are regressing to the level of a child and are behaving like a child.
You must say to yourself—I am not a child. I don’t have to have everything I want. People who are
frustrating me really aren’t bad, they’re simply mistaken to have some pretty strong views of their won which don’t agree with mine.
We repeatedly think this way when getting a bad grade, getting a divorce, losing a job, or being rejected by those who are dear to us. There are all uncomfortable and unfortunate events in our lives to be sure, but they are not horrible, terrible, unbearable, or catastrophic. Yet it is our neurotic belief that if
unpleasant things happen to us, it is not just unfortunate, it is the end of the world. When we talk to
ourselves in these catastrophic terms and believe that things are terrible, awful, horrible, or unbearable we are bound to become very upset.
They think their value as a person comes only from being loved or approved of, and that if they are not loved, they are nothing. They go by the title of that song- “You’re nobody till somebody loves you”
Rejection hurts only if you make it hurt. When you get over the idea that the love someone shows you makes you or breaks you, you won’t be so scared of the fact that maybe you are not the greatest lover or the best dancer, or the best mate. And you don’t have to be. As long as you are able to satisfy your partner to a reasonable degree, just as your partner often satisfies you only to a reasonable degree, your relationship is safe. First, what happens to you if your lover dies, or is sent to jail for fifty years, or
is inducted into the army? Would you not be able to survive? And Second, what do you think happens
to people when they drive away their husband or wives? They don’t die. They don’t go crazy. They
just get upset and after a time they find another lover.
Rule 1-IF people do something nice to you, do something nice to them
Rule 2- IF people do something bad to you, do something nice to them anyway, but only twice
Don’t advice third, fourth or fifth…each time you do something good to someone who does something bad
the misdeed is strengthened. Remember---rewarding behavior reinforces it—that applies to good and bad behavior. So rather than give someone a third chance, what should you do? There are four options when dealing with a situation which you find unacceptable:
1-Toleration without resentment---IF you can’t change the situation. It is perhaps best simply to
put up with it. The beauty of this approach is that the problem cease to be a problem the moment you decide to accept it. For example, if your partner is suing you for divorces and there’s no way you can persuade her to change her mind, resign yourself to the fact to the matter. What else can you do without hurting yourself?
2-Protest
3-Separation
4-Toleration with resentment--- is the choice I do not recommend as it will only increase your
misery. Unfortunately, it does seem to be the most popular of all the options we’ve considered. This is
what I call the neurotic solution to the problem; you won’t protest, you won’t walk away from the problem, so you do the worst thing possible---you accept it and resent doing so. This will only make you depressed, angry maybe even affect your health.
Who usually wins the power struggle? The answer is the one who wins is the one who cares the least for the relationship. For example, you and your child may counterattack many times as you watch try to train the other. As one penalty doesn’t work, the next will be sterner. No matter how nasty you each get, the struggle will reach a point where is it so intolerable that one of you will give in, or one of you will break away. And it is the one who cares the least for the relationship will win. The teenager who doesn’t care if he loses his car will defy his parent until they sell it. The worker who hates his job and can find another will tell his boss to do the dirty work himself, and will not fear being fired. The partner who
cares the least about the marriage is the one who will get his way about moving the family to a new city.
There are six steps toward anger:------------
Step 1-“ I want something”:
Step 2-“I didn’t get what I wanted and am frustrated”- the wish had been denied . Of all the desires we have, only the smallest fraction of them are ever fulfilled
Step 3-“it is awful and terrible not to get what I want”: If you define your frustration as catastrophe, you’re had it. Depression is brought about by your thinking
a-you are a worthless person because you did something bad
b-you ought to feel sorry for yourself because you are frustrated
c-you should pity someone else
or anger:
a-I must have my way and it is awful not to get everything I want
b-and you are wicked for frustrating me and deserve to be punished
To remain unangry throughout your life you had better learn to question the idea that not getting your way is unbearable and must lead to a disturbance.
Step 4-“You shouldn’t frustrate me! I must have my way”:That merely healthy wishing however
has changed into a demand and that’s bad. If you get what you demand, everything will of course be peachy creamy. But if you do not get what you think you need, you will think you need, you will think you are being deprived that the sky will fall in and you’ll just have to get mad
Step 5-You’re bad for frustrating me”: You’re implied that if someone is bad, he is also worthless, evil, and wicked—that he and his behavior are the same. I’ve decided you have to be bad simply because there are certain characteristics you have that are offensive (sloppily suit), or physically features I find ugly ( your bad teeth), or your behavior is irritating (you brag). There are three reason people act badly for which they are not required to be blamed---
a-stupidity---you are talking about someone with limited intelligence or skill. If your
son is mentally slow…would you blame him if he brings home poor grades? Or your daughter
who join a ballet class and dances badly?
b-ignorance---how can you possibly be held responsible for not being able to perform acts you were never taught?
c-emotional disturbances
Step 6-“Bad people ought to be punished”: You will not rest now until you have inflicted pain on another person, not because it will necessarily do him some good, but because he is not good enough to deserve anything but pain, blame. Not only it false to believe that there are such things as bad people in the world, it is also wrong to believe that serve punishment helps them behave better.
When your wife gripes about your earning power and compares your hardest effort to your
more successful friend you can be certain you are not going to take her cutting remakes as a pep talk to
go out and make a million for your sweetheart. When your husband keeps finding fault with you for not straightening up the house and points out hoe wasteful you are for not eating the heel of the bread, you normally do not want to go around with a smile on your face as you turn unnecessary light, picks up loose newspaper, and clean off lunch dishes. You sense you are being punished and regarded as a bad person
and It doesn’t do one bit of good for your soul. We will have to agree we can get more flies wit honey than with vinegar. The worse someone is to you, the nicer you ought to be to him. Killing with kindness is much saner.
Getting mad because you didn’t get what you wanted is foolish if what you wanted is petty and insignificant. If you want to go swimming tomorrow and it rains, practically anyone in the world would say you were being a dunce and a bumpkin to get mad at the weather. Practically everyone would think you’d be an immature and very impulsive person if you smashed your dishes. One of the worst tendencies we have as mortals is to make big things out of little things. We blow situations way out of proportion, and then after creating these monsters we get all scared over what we have created.
A frustration is the condition of wanting something and not getting it, or not wanting something
and having it forced on you. When you stay home and sleep but cannot because you must go to work, that is a frustration. When you have been pleasant to someone and they take you for granted, that is
frustrating, I pointed out that all anger is technically righteous because you have to believe you’re one hundred percent correct or you couldn’t get riled up in the first place. Anger always says
“I don’t deserve this kind of treatment, so therefore it must stop this instant” You can believe this about things and people, it makes little difference. Granted, you may be right about all those points, but why
does that mean you must get what you want merely because you’re right? Since when is this supposed to be a fair world? Who says we must be decent to others? Who says all people will be treated fairly
and justly? This is an imperfect world and sometime it stinks, so you’d better get used to the smell.
Sure, you wanted things to turn out in your favor, your anger arises not because you didn’t get your
way but because you foolishly thought you had to have your way. Who says so? Show me the law that
states that Ali cannot get shaft but everyone else in this silly world can? Your trouble is that you’re confused wanting fair treatment with thinking you had to have fair treatment. Why do you have to have fair treatment? Sure it would be better if you got your, but so would it better if we never had floods, cancer, war, and bad breath.
The one type of person most people do not want to be close to is a dictator, someone telling them to do this or that without any regard to their own wishes Has it ever occurred to you, however, that when you’re angry you are always a dictator. It’s easy enough to see this when you recall what it is that makes you sore in the first place: your demands. They demand their own way and believe that those who disobey
them are bad, should be severely dealt with and that mistakes are horrible.
Instead of blaming people for their actions, it is infinitely wiser and more charitable to separate their behavior from their selves. You do this all the time with your children. Your child spills his milk and you dislike the mess. But do you also hate the child? Do you think he’s bad because he did something bad?
If someone keeps on telling you how bad you are, you can bet your last bottle of poison the you’re going to believe him after a while. Once this happens you take over where mother and father, or spouse left off and call yourself the same negative things they once called you. Hating yourself secretly, doubting your personal value, thinking everyone else is better than you makes you go through life with your psychological tail between your legs. And so you know why? Because you think you stink so badly no now would want to do anything with you. You find yourself friendless. Others are really no shying away from you. It is you who are shying away from others because you remember what a good-for-nothing you are and how nobody in his right mind could really want your company.
This inescapable fact should be clear to everyone: the more you blamed people, the worse they get. Beat up your child for earning poor grades and his grades will go down, not up. The person being attacked is barely able to listen to what is being said about his behavior---all he hears is what is being said about him as a person. That’s why blame often has such little effect on those who need correction. How often does a man go to jail and get the feeling that the court, the police, and the prison guards are there to honestly help him? He’s there to be punished, not corrected.
The behavior you get from others is so closely determine by what you expect from them that you can actually predict what a person will do by what you expect from him. This was shown with an experiment with a group of kids and the teacher.
The Most common reason for hating yourself is that you judge yourself by your actions just as you hate others when you judge them by their action. Hate yourself and you’ll punish yourself. You can
punish yourself by literally beating your body or whipping yourself. Or marry a bum, unconsciously convince yourself you can’t do a job and then allow yourself of fail.
8-FAULTY THINKING:
Once one accepts something which is not true, all subsequent action and reaction will be based
upon a false belief. You must proceed with the idea that you are presently hypnotized by false belief,
concepts and values.----Limited by mistakes certainties. Forcibly reject any idea which threaten our
belief. Major block to change is that we do not want to recognize and accept reality because
our mistaken certainties have distorted our perception. Alice through the Looking Glass: before
she could understand her new world, she had to accept new truth about old familiar things.
Main mistaken certainty:
a-that others are smarter ,wiser or more intelligent than we are. And, so, we look
to them for our happiness and welfare. The moment we compare yourself with anyone you are subjecting yourself to psychological slavery. Everytime you make a mistake or do something you feel
does not meet someone else’s standard, you feel “less than” others. You then blame yourself and
feel guilty for not doing what you think you should (need to do better than others)
Stop all value-judging, cultivate the use of two familiar but often neglected words: wise and unwise
Nothing you do is right or wrong, good and bad. It is only wise and unwise
to -you can do anything and be anything you want
OTHER FAULTY THINKING IDEAS------------:
1-you can do anything and be anything you want
2-the best things in life are free:
the best things I in life cost the earth. Clean water does not come free. Clean air is extremely costly., Food is not free, nor are clothing, housing, and practically anything else that makes life comfortable.
3-Justice is blind:
if justice is truly blind then it must follow that the innocent will always be freed and the guilty will always be punished. Power and influence will have no effect on the outcome of a verdict, nor will a man’s color or his religion. If justice is blind then the legal system must work perfectly at all time and
lawyers who are on the wrong side of the issue must always lose. Obviously this is nothing more than a flight of fancy. Human being are far from perfect.
4-You can’t legislate morality:
People behave decent ways for three reasons
1-it is simply right and proper to do the decent and right thing
2-our religions tell us that certain behaviors are immoral.
3-the law places an obligation upon them to do so
5-It’s the principle that counts:
The view takes that positions that an act is wrong simply because it has a degrees of immorality
connect to it and it makes little difference whether it is a great deal or immorality or al little immorality.
What is wrong with some behavior is not the behavior it self but the degree to which it exists. If you habitually tell the truth in every detail because you believe that a little falsehood is just as bad as a big one,
they you will lose friends. You believe that a lie is a lie and that the size of a lie has nothing to do with the issue. You might say the same about stealing. If stealing is bad then it doesn’t matter whether a person is caught stealing one dollar to a hundred thousand. The crime is the same.
6-Honesty is the best policy:
I think of a number of instances where being honest with someone when no mighty issue hangs
in the balance is simply being cruel. It is at such times that the civilized and gentle person does not clobber his loved one or his friend with brutal honesty. Let’s face it, to be honest means sometime that people will learn things that they don’t need to hear. It is frequently a painful experience to face the
truth. If it does no great good to face the truth then why do we have to insist upon being so honest that
the truth be revealed? If someone is dying and asks if you have any complaints against him. Would you be brutally honest and express every degree of disapproval you had toward him? If you did you’d be a callous clod.
IRRATIONAL IDEAS:
1-Being unloved or disapproved of proves you are bad and worthless. Rejections hurts. You have value
only if people important to you regard you high. If they respect and love you, then you are an acceptable human being. *****Why does someone’s rejection turn you into an evil, rotten, or worthless person.
Who are they to pass judgment anyway?
2-Behaving badly, stupidly, or immorally makes you a bad and worthless person. Only if you are outstanding, a high achiever and nearly perfect can you think will of yourself. Mistakes are terrible and prove how bad you really are. ****the only way any of us can ever be free of errors is when we’re dead.
All other living people will makes mistakes.
3-There are bad and wicked people In the world and blaming or punishing them severely will cure them
of this evil. Screaming, beating, torture are all good methods. ****Rubbish! People and their
behavior are not the same. We cannot logically conclude that bad behavior are not the same. We cannot logically conclude that bad behavior makes a bad person since the same person perform many, many
behavior, some bad and cruel, but some wonderful and kind.
4-It is awful and catastrophic when you don’t get your way. Life should be fair. And if you’re right
you certainly deserve to get everything you’re entitled to. Not to get your way is unbearable.
*****You never get your way. The world was not made to suit your particular preferences. Not
getting your way is irritating, annoying, and sad, but not horrible.
5.It is better to rely on people who are stronger to more powerful that you if you want to feel secure. They
know how to make smart decision. They have connection and money which can help you when in trouble
Having all this going for you will make you feel as secure as a child with as millionaire or king for a
father. *****On the contrary. The more you rely on others the less you will rely on yourself. What do you
think will happen to you if-the one you rely on dies or dislikes you or moves away? That leaves you
like a orphan.
9-STOP BEING PASSIVE----BE PROACTIVE:
Fifty million Frenchmen can be wrong. If doing your own thing doesn’t hurt anyone else, what right have others to make you stop? None, I say. And that frees me and you from living through
the eyes, thoughts, and tastes of others. To assert yourself in situation like this, you had better figure that
you’re right and everyone else is wrong. Fifty million Frenchman can be wrong, contrary to the old
saying. Thoreau suggest you might be listening to a different drummer. Even more to the point, however, you might be the only one marching to the right beat. It happens all the time, that one person is right
and the whole world is wrong. Remember the wright brother, einsten and Columbus.
a-OBSERVATION: Passive people are dominated because they allow it.
we cooperated with our aggressors because we hope to gain an advantage. The student how wants
a good grade doesn’t disagree with the teacher. The secretary doesn’t not slap the boss’s face, because show wants her job
b-OBSERVATION: The person dictating your life learned when and how to do so by you, the victim
You became a doormat because your parent trained you to be one. They rewarded you for
being passive. A dictator is rewarded by weak and scared people for being mean and nasty. And the meaner and nastier he is, the quicker they hop to and so his bidding. So why should the bully change?
You are dominated because you allow it and even teach your bully to dominate you.
c-OBSERVATION: Acts of assertion do not immediately improve relationships. They make them worse.
They will: a-try to reason with you
b-second tactic would be to wept and pleaded and tried to make you feel guilty
c-threaten total rejection…..I’ll disown you
d-threaten suicide
***change generally brings on some degree of suffering
d-OBSERVATION: Passive people usually suffer from one or more of the following Fears:
A-Fear of injury
B-Fear of failure
C-Fear of Hurting other people’s feelings
If I can make you feel bad, worthless, and guilty because you won’t do me a favor, I will
have the same control over you a jailer would have. Your body and soul would belong to me. Guilt
is the one of the most frequently used techniques for controlling others. Consider the following
reasons for defending yourself.
1-You are human and a sinner. So what do people want of you, perfection? They aren’t perfect.
Where do they get off insisting you must be?
2-Those who lay guilt on you aren’t being all that righteous as they’d have you believe. They may want you to think they ‘re pure and superior to you. Don’t believe that. What’s so good and pure about anybody who wants you to feel like dirt?
D-Fear of rejection: you were taught that rejection proved something: that you were worthless, or
why else would someone reject you?
E-Fear of financial insecurity
EXCUSES,EXCUSES: To get control of your life, it is imperative that you not make endless excuses why
you cannot. ***a relationship will deteriorate rather than improve when you make excessive sacrifices
to please the other person.
A SELFISH PERSON WANTS SOMETHING FOR NOTHING
A SELF-INTERESTED PERSON HAS EVERY INTENTION OF DOING SOMETHING IN RETURN FOR THOSE FAVORS
What’s selfish about wanting your wife to bring you a cup of coffee if you just did the dishes for
her? And what’s selfish about her asking you to do the dishes if she cooks the meal?
To feel guilty about wanting a kind deed returned is neurotic. It spoils the other person,
makes you miserable if done often enough, and threatens to sour the marriage, the friendship.
Is it wrong to be interested in yourself, your looks, your health, your advancement? Would
you seriously suggest you have no right to clean clothes? That’s self-interest. To a good
meal? That’s self-interest. To shower or bath? That’s self interest.
