I'm not very proud of the act that I lived so much of my life hiding behind various mask...in the past. Sometimes I was playing the part of a good friend, sometimes a relationship expert, sometimes and well-intentioned boyfriend...but I was always playing a part....in my relatinonship.I though I could wear my various masks as I saw fit without affecting the outcome of my relationship. When I started to feel more and more isolated and lonely within the relationship...i realized that good sex, and romantic love aren't the only driving forces in relationship....my mask was part of the downfall in my relationships.
Some of us are hiding our failures, some of us are hiding our fears. Some of us are hiding our grey roots in our hair. Some of us are hiding our addiction and other...our fantasy.
How much intimacy are you prepared to risk? How much of yourself--little pieces and big pieces --do you reveal to your partner, and how much do you keep hidden? Many people foolishly believe that they can choose what they will or will not share with their partners, and that these choices don't have a impact on relationship. but that's not how intimacy works. The feelings and facts we choose to withhold from our partners fuel the engine of disconnection, the feelings and facts we are willing to share bring us closer. You don't really have a choice---not if you want to bulid a partnership you can trust.
Every secrets has a hidden cost--an emotional cost that is deducted directly from your experience of partnership. As secrets---large and small--collect over time, the feeling of separation intensifies. Too many secrets, and they start to act like walls. You can't keep hiding pieces of yourself and expect that it won't have an impact.
Relationship risks that two people take when they start hiding even small insignificant pieces of their lives---like peeing. I love the movie "FOOL RUSH IN LOVE" because there is a scene that salma force her boyfriend to stay in the bathroom while she pee. They didn't hide their imperfections from eath other, and they didn't hide their humanness. She didn't hide her morning naked face...this may very simply, or even silly, but it is definitely part of what makes their bond strong in the movie.
Intimacy is about intimacy. It's about allowing your partner to see your imperfections, it's about allowing your partner to see you without your mask. What we get into the most trouble is when our masks becomes so all-encompassing that our partners can't possibly see who we really are and what we really feel.
So many woman now are so tough. They step into the working force everyday, their defenses are raised because they believe its is unsafe or unwire to be to trusting. ...but they forget that when they come home ...those defenses need to melt and make space for our heart to connect. If those defenses don't melt--if they remain guarded...then they are consistently cheating themself and their partner of an opportunity for heartfelt connection. Woman are become more like men...they don't open up their:
-feelings
-ideas
-needs-hopes and dreams
-finances
-fears
-sexuality( A BIG ONE)
-body
-their own person truth.
They hide behind their:
-job
-hectic lifestyle
-their clothing
-their endless hobbies
-their sex (>>I WISH)
-their food
-their friends
-their parties
We all have our reasons for hiding these parts of ourselves, but these parts are big part of who we are. Think about how important it is to share stories about meaningful people, places, and events from the past. It does something for your heart to make these connections with someone who loves you....well it does for me. And keeping things in hiding, we deprives our partners of the opportunity to genuinely know accept, and care about us.
Why do hide ourselves?
-we hide parts of ourselves out of habit
-we hide parts of ourselves because we think we're supposed to
-we hide parts of ourselves because we think those parts are shameful
-we hide parts of ourselves because we think those parts are not welcome
-we hide parts of ourselves because we're afraid of being burden
-we hide parts of ourselves because we're afraid to rock the boat
-we hide parts of ourselves because we're trying to be who our partner wants us to be
-we hide parts of ourselves because we think they are unattractive flaws
-we say things like if you can't say something postive, don't say anything at all
-we believe our feeling aren't important
-we tell ourselves that don't be baby
These have power to make us feel alone and foolish...and we still obeying them.
The fear, of course, is that this new information is going to change the relationship for the worse, or even destroy it. Yet trying to protet the status quo in a relationship is wearing an agreeable mask is the easiest way to kill the growth of a partnership. You see the goal of individual in a partnership is not to be the most perfect version of who you think your partner wants you to be.......the goal of relationship as Conversation With God...said...is to be the fullest expression of who you really are.....i know it is hard where we live in a culture that glorifies perfection---be it the perfect body, the perfect car, the perfect house, the perfect job. When the quest for perfection makes us feel ashamed of who we are, what we look like, what we do, and what we have, partnership can suffer. How perfect do you need to be for your partner right now to feel that you are lovable.
We are so afraid....about difference surfaces.....some of us scurry to conceal them. We eat things we don't want to eat, go to bed when we're not tired, spend time doing activities we don't enjoy, and so on, because we think we have to stay competely in synch with our partners. This can be a big mistakes....particularly when concealing difference builds resentment. Difference are signs that relationship is EVOLVING, not dissolving, Differences should be celebrated, not buried.
The common thread running thought is the fear of rejection/ abandoment.....If we weren't so afraid of being afraid of being rejected, we would not be so vested in our masks. Our masks are our armor, something we have developed in response to a personal history of rejection and abandonment. They makes us feel safe, they make us feel as though we will never hurt again. The longer we wear our masks in a relationship the more likly we are to become those masks. Trying to protect ourselves, we actually abandon ourselves. Let me say that again: we abandon ourselves. We create, on our own, the very things we fear most in others. And this completely limits our ability to make connection
The point here is that your masks aren't just keeping your partners at a distance. They can keep you at a distance from yourself, leaving you feeling empty, angry, and disconected. There is just no way to play it safe in relationship ---not if your goals is a loving, effective partnership. You can't play it safe if you're playing for keeps.
The things you feel everyday, see every day, worry about every days, and wonder about every day are significants. Sharing your life means regularly sharing these pieces. It's like constantly tying little knots between you and your partner--knots that, over time, a created a complex and resilient fabric of connectedness.
Part of the problem with wearing many relationship masks is that the mask keeps splitting you in half. Instead of being one healthy individual with one clear voice, you wind up being two people:
the person you know
the person you let your partner know
Every time you make the decision to withhold facts or feeling from your partner. Let me give you example:
-if you're thinking. "I'm too tired to go out tonight", but you tell your partner, "Let's go" ( This happen to me)
When your inner dialogue (the ongoing conversation you have only with yourself) is not in accord with your outer relationship dialogue (the things you say to your partner) your relationship can pay price. Some of us are so used to feeling spilt in half that we don't even realize how angry. We have an internal civil war inside of ourself
You need to be more willing to say and do things that genuinely reflect how you feel, what you need, who you are....being willing to risk disagreement....means being able to say more of what is on your mind.
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