LOVE: BEING NICE VS BEING REAL

Are nice people really nice? What exactly does being a “nice” person mean? Is it really a compliment to be described as nice? I don’t think so. I believe nice people are over-rated. Character traits associated with being “nice”, such as consideration, respect of others, politeness and compassion, are in fact, often missing in people attributed as “nice”. By describing a person as “nice” we are allowing them a socially acceptable, and seldom challenged, mask to hide behind.

In my experience, a person is most often referred to as “nice” when they have no outstandingly good or bad traits and you don’t know how else to describe them. They aren’t the people who disagree with ideas at a meeting, talk too loud or even question the motives of others, because those aren’t very “nice” things to do. Nice people tend instead to be very concerned with all of the other people around them. They are not offensive; they smile a lot and tend to agree in conversation with what is being said. Unfortunately you rarely know where you stand with a nice person because while it is impolite to disagree with you in person they will often repeat the story and their opinions to others for advice, sympathy, a means to propagate their “niceness”, or a way tell you something to avoid hurting your feelings.

Being “nice” allows people to be excused for behaviors that wouldn’t be tolerated from “not nice” or mean people. Nice people seem to feel certain they know what other people want and/or need and will attempt to meet those needs whether invited to or not. It can be very hard to pinpoint a nice person on any behavior (or lack thereof) you are uncomfortable with because by voicing a concern that upsets a nice person you are described as “mean” or “rude” for hurting their feelings.

There are people who seem to wear “nice” as a mask. “Nice” people tend to fall into one of three categories; victims, bullies or victimizers. For example many Midwestern girls are taught to be “nice” to everyone they meet. This early training puts them in danger of becoming an easy target once they venture out into the “big, bad world” and encounter people who aren’t very concerned with being nice back. On the flip side, one can’t count the number of times someone convicted of some horrible crime, such as child molestation or being a serial killer, is repeatedly described in shock by their neighbors as being a “nice” person. Much more common than either the victim or the victimizer is the nice “bully”. This is the person who pushes an agenda under the pretense of being nice and looking out for others best interests. This person may be the passive aggressive friend or co-worker who continually tells you the awful things others are saying about you because they are “just trying to be nice”. If you question the nice bully about their motives they tend to be very hurt or highly offended at how mean you are being - which is quite a powerful tool!

Even though I feel that being nice is at best over-rated and at worst dangerous I am left questioning why is being “nice” so valued in our culture. I wonder if it is tied to our understanding, or perhaps misunderstanding, of manners. Possibly being nice is a substitute for having good manners…



Being nice is a very surface understanding of both manners and interpersonal relationships. In fact, the people we commonly refer to as “nice” usually don’t have very good manners. They appear concerned with others, but their own words and actions betray them for what they are – thoughtless. A nice person, however, believes even their thoughtless words should be counted as nice because they were “trying to be nice”. In the mind of “nice” the outcome (hurt feelings) shouldn’t have more weight than the intention (their “thoughtfulness” or consideration of the other person demonstrated by asking them a question), it is intentions that matter. And suggesting otherwise brands you as “mean”.
Some real-life examples of “nice” in action:

The nice lady from down the street who asks the adoptive mother of two Asian girls, in front of the children, how much the children cost and comments on how sorry she feels for her that the mother is missing out on the joy of having her own real children.
The nice guy at work who comments on how much better you look after losing some weight and quickly adds that you didn’t look bad before, you just look so great now.
I’ve seen nice people in these situations argue that they were “just curious” and didn’t intend to hurt anyone’s feelings. They end the conversation feeling the victimized party, not understanding how anyone could think they would have been intentionally mean. Good manners on the other hand imply thoughtfulness, thinking about the other person and their possible point of view before speaking. You can be mentally “checked out” and still be considered “nice”. This isn’t the case with manners.

The same real-life examples for someone with good manners:

To the adoptive mother of two Asian girls, “Oh, what beautiful girls you have! How old are they and what are their names? You must be so proud.”
To the co-worker who’s recently lost weight, “You are looking really nice today.”
Same situations but very different words and the people involved are left feeling very different. Let’s not be Pollyanna here, the person with good manners might be dying to ask how expensive it is to adopt from overseas and your best buddy male co-worker may suddenly seeing you as an attractive potential date for the first time. But consideration for the other party overrides the first words or questions that come to mind.

On the surface being nice and having good manners both focus on the “other”. So how can they be so different? Being nice is all about self-denial, thus breeding resentment. A “nice” person has been taught from childhood to put others before themselves the implication being that others are better than they. This leaves them feeling inferior and allows resentment to build. This belief is so ingrained that even if others are their equals or self-perceived as “inferiors”, they must continue pretending otherwise. This grates deeply, opening the door to “accidental/on purpose” nice words and actions.

Someone with good manners on the other hand has been taught or learned that they are neither better than nor less than other people. No indeed, manners are a tool and are used as such. When practiced manners allow us to both give and receive in our relationships. Having good manners is about respecting oneself. If someone with good manners is being treated poorly it is likely they begin to politely avoid being around the person causing offense, rather than suffer in silence. Manners allow authentic responses, controlled yes, but authentic nonetheless. Authentic people aren’t doormats. No such safeguard is given to those taught to be nice.