People change many times while growing from a teenager to an actual bill paying, drives the speed limit, respectful, adult. I hate to break anyone's bubble here, but whatever social status you may hold in your teens to early twenties won't mean a DAMN thing in ten years. Pretty girls don't live happily ever after, nerds do get the gorgeous girls, and the stupid kids sometimes make millions on the simplest business idea. The point being, is change. I changed, she changed. The world around us changed. We had beepers when we started dating! Online communication was in its infancy. We called eachother from our parents home phone line, put letters on each others windshields, threw a rock or two at each others windows, but usually we waited in agony to speak to eachother. The only "stalking" was actually following someone (CREEPY), no one learned about each other from Facebook (LAZY) or sent the random "hey, what's up?" text message (KILLER OF ROMANCE). We had to SPEAK to eachother. Dating, when I was younger, was being in a constant state of confusion until emotions were verbally exchanged face to face. That solid, body to body, verification of mutual attachment will always be an integral component to establishing a relationship. I doubt there's a way to get out of having the "talk".
If you read my blog you know i was in love with Joanne..my first love, we were crazy about each other, we spent three years being together, we matured sexually together- good memories ;). Our relationship had
trust, loyalty, humility, humor, excitement, passion, security and we LOVED. There would never be anyone who could hold a candle to me, or to her. We could duck and swerve past anything life was pitching. We
were happy. We were complete fools.
Happy fools, that's an accurate description. It took only a few simple twists of fate to break into our "home",
which to us was each other. There really are no fingers to point, reasons to place blame, or angry words to throw about that would make this story more interesting. The nasty deeds do make for better entertainment, but the weight on ones' heart is a private burden. Sadness and even some humiliation is universal to everyone, there is no immunity to being hurt.
We broke up. Once, that was all it took. We stayed in close contact for long and painful while. We always hinted to each other that one day we would be together again. I was the only one. . . . . . .hmmmmm. It wasn't much later when I found out she was with someone else, and even though I wanted to dramatically scream my objections, affections, loyalty, bleeding from my core, LOVE, to her-------I didn't. I was heart broken, but I never said a word.
Did I put myself through the "why not me?" self-doubt spiral of depression? Absolutely. I could find a shred of "what could have been" in every song, show, movie, poem, book, and place. I compared every single girl I dated to how she made me feel- That's rational, to think being in love comes so easily and frequently. I made terrible decisions while still hurt from losing her Love is not only blind, it's stupid, deaf, clumsy, indiscriminate, tricky, spiteful, careless, and worth every single second of the most dreadful unpleasant emotions it leaves in it's aftermath.
I can speak to her once in a blue moon..like every few years... now and barely remember the young man who was such a basket case back then. Asides from some really great memories, funny stories, personal
jokes, and general care for each other, we don't have anything in common anymore. She went straight to being in love with someone else, sharing life and all it contains in that union. It's her way of knowing where she stands.
I spent a lot of my time getting to know me. Am I a good person? Do I like who I am? What do I want? Where do I stand, what do I believe? The answers weren't always pretty. I guess it was my version of AA for I don't want to end up a hateful generic old man
I honestly had no desire to date, flirt, and certainly DID NOT want to form a crush on anyone. This is the wrong time in my life to bedistracted. I'm focused, or I was till she walked in my path. I barely know her, but WOW does it feel like something wonderful is going on in between everything that's NOT being said! So here I am, late at night, writing
Life is weird. No, you probably never will understand. Love is as powerful as it is random. Yes, you will get badly hurt. Yes, you will get over it. Yes, you will find yourself seeing someone in a way you "never have before" again. And maybe, this one will be "the one". Who knows? All those cliche's you hear about life & love came from somewhere. Put out into the world what you want, maybe it will find it's way back to you.
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