JOURNAL: LAST DAY OF VACATION

I feel like crap. I was thinking of my wife.....why did she leave. Got a call from my lawyer.....she put in her net worth. That is what trigger it

THOUGHTS: CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

Little A: why does everyone leave me?

Big A: I am not leaving you

Little A: I am scared..I get frighten...and alone. I will starve and be homeless.

Big A: You won't...i won't let that happen to you.

Little A- i am unable to take care of myself..I don't know how. Where am I going to sleep? Who is going to feed me?

Big A: I will feed you and bath you and you can always sleep with me.

Little A: I am never good enough...that is why everyone leaves me. I am not beautiful enough. Everything I do is always wrong. I am not smart enough. Even mom and daddy said so...all the time to us. We can never get anything right...even the simple thing or big thing. We couldn't get a job without daddy...we couldn't have brought the house without daddy. We couldn't do anything without mom and daddy helps.

Big A: There is nothing wrong with you Homan. I know you always do the best you can. You are who you are..it not like you are lazy. I see you do your best. I see you try not to hurt anyone. I think you are perfect to me. You are so handsome...your beautiful eyes and black hair....always smiling. I love you.

Little A- I can't be myself...i need to fake being someone else. No one like me..when i am me...I have to project a different person.

Big A: You don't have to be anything but yourself with me. I will love you no matter what. Believe me when I tell you this...because it is true.

Little A: Even Laleh thinks she is better than you...and you are older than her.

Big A: Laleh isn't better than you...she is just different.

Little A: Our wife left us...and we were so much better than her in every way possible....looks...money..and family.. What does say about me?

Big A: It doesn't say anything about you. She is making a mistake.

Little Homan: I guess i want affection..or sex because that is how i am preceived as OK. If someone is loving me...then I must be OK...that they want to be with me...that I am not ugly enough to be with.

Big Homan: You aren't ugly. I have seen pictures of you...You are so handsome...very attractive.

Little Homan: You are just saying that.

Big Homan: No i am not...i started to look at pictures and we look OK.

Little Homan: I am trying to be my partner servant so they won't leave me...that they need me.

Big Homan: You don't have to be anyone servant. I will love you when no one will.

Little Homan: Mommy tell me that everything I do is wrong and she just trying to help me.

Big Homan: she has her own issues. She is projecting.

Little Homan: Am I defective? Do i have a defective gene? Because everything I do is constantly wrong!!!!!!!!!

Big Homan: There is no such thing as a defective gene. There is nothing wrong with you.

Little Homan: I am so weak...unable to take care of myself....that is why I constantly need someone.

Big Homan: You need me. You can rely on me. 

Little Homan: I can't trust my decision...i am afraid of making mistake and the being attacked and told that I was stupid and I didn't know.

Big Homan: I will support your decision. You know what is best for both us...you always did. You are so smart...

Little Homan: I am constantly in need of mommy approval and daddy approval. Afraid of their criticism.

Little Homan: I don't feel like doing anything ..but sleep

Big Homan: That is not good for you...you can't hide forever

Little Homan: I just can't believe she left me...All i did was to help her..but she would lie to me constantly. I couldn't trust her.

Little Homan: Another weekend is coming and I will be alone

Big Homan: You won't be alone. I will be with you

Little Homan: I feel lost...abandoned like when I got lost in the department store or in the street one time.

Big Homan: But this time you are not a child...you are with me. I will hold you and talk to you..and take care of you.. You know Homan...she didn't really love you and took care of you...our wife. She won't be coming back again...she wasn't good for us. You know that. Instead of her taking care of us...you had to be adult and take care of her constantly....remember. You were constantly stress out.

Little Homan: You are right...I had to act like the adult with her. But why does my heart beat so fast..why am i nervous?

Big Homan: You been hurt...and you think I will leave you...you are worried....but i won't leave you.. I love you.

THOUGHTS/JOURNAL: THOUGHTS ABOUT MY MARRIAGE

There something happening to me..my wife left and i am unlovable. I failed yet another relationship.

Truth: my wife left me                             False: My wife
left me because I am unlovable.                         She left me over the house

Truth: only my marriage is ending              False: My life is ending

I guess what is brother me is that fact that my wife left me and I find that unacceptable. I am just focusing on my picture of my life.

Being spiritual...i have to believe that everything that happen as it should be. Nothing happens by accident. Right now ..i don't any reason why I must go through this pain..i just don't. It is hard to trust God right now when you are in pain. If i step out of my ego and trust the universe....i would feel better. Why is this happening to me....why am
I being mistreated.
My life shouldn't be like this...I am suppose to be married like everyone else and have kids..and not I am left behind. I am spending all my energy to try to change the outer reality of my life. When we're attach to something...we resist any outcome different from the one we want.

I keep telling myself...this can't be...this is unfair...this is not what is supposed to happen to me. This is not how I planned my life...it's not suppose to look this way and feel this way.

I have to believe that God has my happiness in his or her heart. Although I feel alone...i am part of whole world. I am like a wave of the ocean of GOD.I have to trust that there is a greater plan for me and it will unfolded in time.

You can't force someone to love you if they don't. You can't for someone to be with you if they don't. Everyone has the right to do what they want. I can't force my wife to come back. You can't make someone be honest with you when they want to lie.

I have to let go of this....

What am i resisting in my life? I am resisting being on my own...and be independent.

What am I afraid of? Being homeless and not loved and alone

What will happen If i surrender to this situation? I will have to start cooking for myself, I will be unable to save money, I will have to sleep alone..., i will have to start all over again and date.

Who is getting hurt? ME

What obstacles need to be removed before I can surrender? I guess..my fear that I am unable to handle being alone, that I will die if i am alone, that I don't have the skill to survive...that I will have to work more and do more instead of resting.



The positive things:
-I don't have to take care of her
-Stress level is down
-I don't have to deal with someone who lies to me
-I don't have to deal with someone who doesn't listen to me.
-I have more time for myself


I guess if I let go....and surrender...i will be face with something I can't handle. I have been living in fear...and have constant anxiety. I need to get to the bottom of this: What am i afraid of?

fear of the unknown
fear of doing without
fear of the future...the uncertainty.

1-I will never get married again and I will be alone forever.
2-I will never have a family of my own
3-I will have to start dating again
4-I will be unable to take care of the house myself
5-I am unable to feed and cook for myself.
6-I the clinic close...i don't have a support system
7-I have to start paying for my health insurance
8-I will be unable to save money


If all of my fears came true what steps do i need to take:
1-get on dating sites online
2-learn how to cook online and get cook book
3-if i lose my job...rent the house and use some of the money to rent
an apartment
4-Start saving....

JOURNAL: REFLECTION OF MYSELF THAT I HATE

When I got married..i blamed my wife for everything. I was the good guy and she was the bad girl. We are all one. You are within me. When I see someone being generous...i would think I am generous.But when I see someone be angry, selfish, or lying....i would think that isn't me..but the things is ...every quality that exist in another person..also exist in me...even though I might now express that trait at the same moment under the same circumstances...i would probably display some version of the same behavior in another time and place. You contain everything you see in others. All that i see and conceive is  reflection of my inner world. Every emotions i have ...there is opposite.

When I point the blame to my wife...i became powerless. Everything I love and everything I hate is simply a mirror of my internal self and enables us to stop projecting the unwanted and disowned aspect of myself to others. Since we can't see ourselves by ourselves, we are creating a reflection in others. The outer world is a mirror. When i see your kindness ...i see mine..when I see your angry...i see mine. But when you see qualities in your partner that you hate...you are seeing parts of yourself that you have buried away. If you wife lack integrity..and it upset you...it is because you can't be with your own lack of integrity. You are either denying it or hiding it or suppressing it. But it is the quality that pisses you off the most is the quality that is unhealed...that has energy. The only way to heal this reaction is to unhealed part of yourself.

We draw people in our lives to see the part of ourselves that we denied. Instead of accepting our disassociated part, we project these qualities onto our partner.

quality my wife had:
-lie
-be inconsistent
-abandonment
-not listening to me
-selfish

quality my parent have
-lie
-be inconsistent
-abandonment


So here come that hard part...do you love yourself when you lie...or when you are inconsistent or selfish? When you say "I'm not like that"...it means you are.

I am selfish
I do lie
I am inconsistent


You have to see the gift that selfish and lie.

JOURNAL:MY FIRST POST

Today I went on a date...it didn't got well. Once again..a woman said that she was ready for a relationship and get married and have kids.....wasn't ready for me. But guess what...I am not upset. It;s her loss. I am moving on with my life. It been over two months since my wife left me. I notice that the med. are helping me. I am at the house on the weekends now. A big step.

JOURNAL/THOUGHTS: WHY I WRITE

I write erotica the way I do because I am sharing the inner emotions of the erotic in my heart and mind and in my experience. The essence of my expanded awareness exudes from those words…even though they are baudy or explicit. That grabs you. I know it does. So…you become curious on some level and then you keep reading. You can’t help yourself. *naughty grins*

I write posts on how spirituality, relationship and life experiences effect my bliss. I do that because I need to express this joy the same way a person who loves to sing uses their voice to express something important to them. I write like its a song to me. I sit here and I let the thoughts and emotions of the moment flow out of me. Sometimes that’s silly and succinct, like yesterday’s post. Sometimes its just a bit of fluff like the stumble upon posts. Sometimes it just really deep stuff. Sometimes its intensely erotic. I let the words come as the spirit moves me…and I try to give those I love enough privacy while carrying on with my writing purpose.

My purpose? It is to heal and to teach and to help others expand their awareness. It is to share love. Because that’s the most basic message of what I write. I am exploring and expressing my joy in loving and in living. Simple as that.