THE MISSING INGREDIENT :UNCONDITIONAL LOVE PART I
When we are unhappy we tend to blame other for our unhappiness. We come to believe that other people have the power to determine how we feel. Because other people have often pointed out how their anger was caused by our mistake, we have learn to justify our anger by pointing out the mistakes of others. If we become unhappy in our relationship, we turn our partner into scapegoat for everything we don't like, and we blame them for all the unhappiness in our lives, including the unhappiness we carried with us for the many years before we even met them. We're unhappy because we're starving for the one ingredient that's most essential to genuine happiness and it was missing long before we met our partner. That ingredient- the one thing that creates happiness and fulfilling relationship is unconditional love. When we find it...our unhappiness disappears just as surely as hunger vanishes in the presence of food.
What is unconditional love? It is about caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. When we give unconditonal love, we're not disappointed, hurt, or angry even when people are thoughtless or inconsiderate or give us nothing in return...because our concern is for their happiness, not our own. Few of us have either given or received that kind of love, and without it we experience a terrible void in our lives, which we try to fill with money, power, food, approval, sex and whatever. But no matter how much of those substitues we acquire, we remain empty, alone, afraid, and angry because the onthing we really need is that unconditinoal love.WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, NOTHING ELSE MATTER, WITHOUT IT, NOTHING ELSE IS ENOUGH
When someone is genuinely concerned about our happiness, we do feel that connection to another person. We feel included in his or her life, and in that instant we are no longer alone. Each moment of unconditional acceptance creates a living thread to the person who accepts us, and these threads weaves a powerful bond that fills us with genuine and lasting happiness. Even one perons loves us unconditionally, we feel connected to everyone else.
The best way to decribe this unconditional love and I told this to so many people before is....imagine you were invited to a party...you open the door and the host touch you gently, help you into the house, ask about your trip, and looks at you in a way you've never seen. He or she makes sure that you are feed....introduce to the other people in teh party. You just get a sense with absolute certainty that the only concern is your happiness. Because the host have everything that really matter in life--he or she feel loved and don't need you to do anything for them. You know there is nothing you can do to disappoint them. You can see that it doesn't matter to the host whether you're smart or pretty or handsome. The host doesn't care if you say something stupid or if you make mistakes. This is the feeling of being uncondtionally loved. We've been judged, critized, and conditionally supported so long that the idea of being unconditionally accepted is inconceivable.
I know you may be thinking...I can't just unconditionally love someone when they're wrong. It's true that we sometimes do have the responsiblity to teach and correct people...but Never never has to be done with disappointment and anger...the two signs that always reveal that our true motivation is to get something for ourselves---and that is not real love. This is how I know when someone really love me...they don't get anger or disappointment...they still love me no matter what
You might also be worried that loving unconditionally would turn you into a doormat, to be used by everyone around you. But loving unconditionally does not mean you have the responsiblity to give them everything they want. That would be indulgent and irresponsible. When we love unconditionally, we accept then as they are and contribute to their happiness as wisely as we can. That doesn't imply we respond to their demand.
What is unconditional love? It is about caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. When we give unconditonal love, we're not disappointed, hurt, or angry even when people are thoughtless or inconsiderate or give us nothing in return...because our concern is for their happiness, not our own. Few of us have either given or received that kind of love, and without it we experience a terrible void in our lives, which we try to fill with money, power, food, approval, sex and whatever. But no matter how much of those substitues we acquire, we remain empty, alone, afraid, and angry because the onthing we really need is that unconditinoal love.WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, NOTHING ELSE MATTER, WITHOUT IT, NOTHING ELSE IS ENOUGH
When someone is genuinely concerned about our happiness, we do feel that connection to another person. We feel included in his or her life, and in that instant we are no longer alone. Each moment of unconditional acceptance creates a living thread to the person who accepts us, and these threads weaves a powerful bond that fills us with genuine and lasting happiness. Even one perons loves us unconditionally, we feel connected to everyone else.
The best way to decribe this unconditional love and I told this to so many people before is....imagine you were invited to a party...you open the door and the host touch you gently, help you into the house, ask about your trip, and looks at you in a way you've never seen. He or she makes sure that you are feed....introduce to the other people in teh party. You just get a sense with absolute certainty that the only concern is your happiness. Because the host have everything that really matter in life--he or she feel loved and don't need you to do anything for them. You know there is nothing you can do to disappoint them. You can see that it doesn't matter to the host whether you're smart or pretty or handsome. The host doesn't care if you say something stupid or if you make mistakes. This is the feeling of being uncondtionally loved. We've been judged, critized, and conditionally supported so long that the idea of being unconditionally accepted is inconceivable.
I know you may be thinking...I can't just unconditionally love someone when they're wrong. It's true that we sometimes do have the responsiblity to teach and correct people...but Never never has to be done with disappointment and anger...the two signs that always reveal that our true motivation is to get something for ourselves---and that is not real love. This is how I know when someone really love me...they don't get anger or disappointment...they still love me no matter what
You might also be worried that loving unconditionally would turn you into a doormat, to be used by everyone around you. But loving unconditionally does not mean you have the responsiblity to give them everything they want. That would be indulgent and irresponsible. When we love unconditionally, we accept then as they are and contribute to their happiness as wisely as we can. That doesn't imply we respond to their demand.
THE MISSING INGREDIENT: PART II
We like to believe we're unconditionally loving, but we are not. If you're unhappy, don't look to your partner for the cause (this is what most of my exgirlfriend did). You're unhappy because you don't feel unconditionally loved yourself and because you're not sufficiently unconditionally loving toward others. Both conditions have existed for a long time, usually from childhood. Any child who doesn not receive sufficiently unconditional love is filled with emptiness, and fear, your parents are certainly responsible, to a large extent, for the way you feel and function. But you need ot understand that as an adult you have become increasingly responsible for your own happiness. I don't think any parent gets up in the morning and say...."Today I could unconditionally love and teach my children and fill their lives with jou. But, no, I think I'll be selfish, critical, and demanding instead. You need to understand that your parent loved you as well as they knew how and they they certainly didn't set out to cause you emotionally pain. My parent...like your parent..did they best they can....I have made peace with that...i have made peace with my parents.
Most of my ex...thought they were complete....but the truth is their life was incomplete long before they met me. They came into the relationship already missing something, and hoped i would supply what was missing and make them happy. When I just couldn't, they blamed me for not fixing everything in their life. And they hurt me...manipulate..cheat..you named it....and for a long time I blamed me..I took it personal. But I realized something just recently...they were drowning for lack of love just like me. The best way to describe this is ...I am in the middle of the ocean drowning out there my myself... suddenly a woman hand grab me from behind and drag me under the water. Completely overwhelmed by fear and anger, I struggle wildly to get free, but no matter what I do, my head remains underwater. Someone comes with a boat and pull me from the water. After catching my breath, I turn and see the woman drowning herself and only grabbed me in a desperate attempt to save her life. She wasn't trying to harm me at all. Once I realized that, my anger vanish immediately and I quickly try to her up into the boat. That is how most people are in relationships. People really don't do things eith the principal goal of hurting you. When people hurt you...they're like the woman who was dragged me under the water---simply drowning and trying to save themselves. People who don't feel unconditional love are desperate and will do almost anything to eliminate the pain of their emptiness.
Most woman when they were little got little or no respect from their parents, teacher, or even peers. They felt alone and helpless, but once that girl become a sexual attractive woman, she quickly discovers that she can use her appearance and sexual behavior to influence and even control the thoughts and behavior of boys and men in a powerful way. THE POWER OF THE PY IS BORN.
My way to distract myself from the emptiness and pain inside is through sexual gratification (other become workaloic) and keeping myself safe from experiencing more pain. If I can't have genuine acceptance, I can at least do everything in my power to avoid more disapproval. One way to minimize the risk of criticism and pain is to avoid doing anything unfamiliar. So I stay in do the same thing again and again that is safe. Living without unconditional love and feeling alone is unbearable that we'll do almost anything to get rid of those feeling, however superficial and temporary the relief is.
I understand now ....why i need Joanne so much. I felt unimportant, unloved, empty and alone when I was young...and then I discovered Joanne who thought I was cute and smart and actually enjoyed my company and WOW. Suddenly, I felt important and powerful, I also enjoyed the excitement of physically touching her and eventually having sex with her. I was clung to ther life a drowning man. I wasn't about to let go of the only thing I found that had ever relieved the intolerable emptiness and pain I felt all my life
Most of my ex...thought they were complete....but the truth is their life was incomplete long before they met me. They came into the relationship already missing something, and hoped i would supply what was missing and make them happy. When I just couldn't, they blamed me for not fixing everything in their life. And they hurt me...manipulate..cheat..you named it....and for a long time I blamed me..I took it personal. But I realized something just recently...they were drowning for lack of love just like me. The best way to describe this is ...I am in the middle of the ocean drowning out there my myself... suddenly a woman hand grab me from behind and drag me under the water. Completely overwhelmed by fear and anger, I struggle wildly to get free, but no matter what I do, my head remains underwater. Someone comes with a boat and pull me from the water. After catching my breath, I turn and see the woman drowning herself and only grabbed me in a desperate attempt to save her life. She wasn't trying to harm me at all. Once I realized that, my anger vanish immediately and I quickly try to her up into the boat. That is how most people are in relationships. People really don't do things eith the principal goal of hurting you. When people hurt you...they're like the woman who was dragged me under the water---simply drowning and trying to save themselves. People who don't feel unconditional love are desperate and will do almost anything to eliminate the pain of their emptiness.
Most woman when they were little got little or no respect from their parents, teacher, or even peers. They felt alone and helpless, but once that girl become a sexual attractive woman, she quickly discovers that she can use her appearance and sexual behavior to influence and even control the thoughts and behavior of boys and men in a powerful way. THE POWER OF THE PY IS BORN.
My way to distract myself from the emptiness and pain inside is through sexual gratification (other become workaloic) and keeping myself safe from experiencing more pain. If I can't have genuine acceptance, I can at least do everything in my power to avoid more disapproval. One way to minimize the risk of criticism and pain is to avoid doing anything unfamiliar. So I stay in do the same thing again and again that is safe. Living without unconditional love and feeling alone is unbearable that we'll do almost anything to get rid of those feeling, however superficial and temporary the relief is.
I understand now ....why i need Joanne so much. I felt unimportant, unloved, empty and alone when I was young...and then I discovered Joanne who thought I was cute and smart and actually enjoyed my company and WOW. Suddenly, I felt important and powerful, I also enjoyed the excitement of physically touching her and eventually having sex with her. I was clung to ther life a drowning man. I wasn't about to let go of the only thing I found that had ever relieved the intolerable emptiness and pain I felt all my life
THE MISSING INGREDIENT: PART 3
The next time you go out...watch two people in conversation and you'll see that each of them is carefully and unconsciously studying the other for any hint of disapproval and when that happens, the speaker changes immediately modifies what he or she saying until all the sign of disapproval disappear. So many people ask..why did she do that..or why did he do that? What is it that we do?
-tell other about our accomplishments, but not our flaws
-hide our true feelings
-change our physical appearance
-lie so we get them to like us and protect ourselves from disapproval
-attacking>>>>we can make most people uncomfortable that they'll do whatever we want in order to stop us from making them feel bad. We attack by making people feel gulity, criticizing them, withdraw approval to get our way.
In the absence of unconditional love, these behavior protect us from pain and fill our emptiness and they usually produce an immediate response. When I get angry, I can often get people to do what I want. We use them for short-term gain, but we cause enormous long-term relationship. You can use anger to win an argument with a partner, but can you remember the last time your anger made you feel more unconditionally love by someone. Whenever we maniupulate people in any way for something we want, we know that what we receive is purchased, not freely offered. We're paying for what we get, whether we needed to or not. Our intention is not to hurt another people or do anything wrong, our real goal is only to eliminate our emptiness, fear and pain. The state of panic very similar to that of a drowning person. When other people make mistakes----even hurt us, we need to remember that they, too, are simply afraid and empty.
When we say we love our partner because of some particular characteristic behavior. we'realos indicating that we expect them to maintain that characteristic or behavior in order to retain our love. We use variety of behavior to ensure that ourpartner will continue to give us the love we want. One partner mightfail to keep up his of her end of the trade. If you sense that you're giving your partner the same praise and pleasure as always whiel he or she is contributing less to the relationship, that preception of inequality tends to cause contention and dim the rosy glow or romance. Really loving you would mean caring about your happiness, but I care alot more about how I feel. I like it when you do what I want. When you listen to me, I feel flattered and important. When you spend time with me, I don't feel as empty and alone. I feel good when I'm with you.
-tell other about our accomplishments, but not our flaws
-hide our true feelings
-change our physical appearance
-lie so we get them to like us and protect ourselves from disapproval
-attacking>>>>we can make most people uncomfortable that they'll do whatever we want in order to stop us from making them feel bad. We attack by making people feel gulity, criticizing them, withdraw approval to get our way.
In the absence of unconditional love, these behavior protect us from pain and fill our emptiness and they usually produce an immediate response. When I get angry, I can often get people to do what I want. We use them for short-term gain, but we cause enormous long-term relationship. You can use anger to win an argument with a partner, but can you remember the last time your anger made you feel more unconditionally love by someone. Whenever we maniupulate people in any way for something we want, we know that what we receive is purchased, not freely offered. We're paying for what we get, whether we needed to or not. Our intention is not to hurt another people or do anything wrong, our real goal is only to eliminate our emptiness, fear and pain. The state of panic very similar to that of a drowning person. When other people make mistakes----even hurt us, we need to remember that they, too, are simply afraid and empty.
When we say we love our partner because of some particular characteristic behavior. we'realos indicating that we expect them to maintain that characteristic or behavior in order to retain our love. We use variety of behavior to ensure that ourpartner will continue to give us the love we want. One partner mightfail to keep up his of her end of the trade. If you sense that you're giving your partner the same praise and pleasure as always whiel he or she is contributing less to the relationship, that preception of inequality tends to cause contention and dim the rosy glow or romance. Really loving you would mean caring about your happiness, but I care alot more about how I feel. I like it when you do what I want. When you listen to me, I feel flattered and important. When you spend time with me, I don't feel as empty and alone. I feel good when I'm with you.
THE MISSING INGREDIENT: PART 4
Most of us have learned from experience that people express their affection far less when they see our many mistakes and flaws, especially the ones that inconvenience them. So we lie by hiding our flaws, which enables us to avoid criticism, but doing that also makes it impossible for people to see who we really are. By hiding under a
bag and use our way to control people, but these actually keep us alone.
Unconditional love is always a gift freely given and freely received. Unconditional love is when someone cares about your happinesss with no thought for what he or she might get in return. It's genuine caring that cannot be bought, traded, manipulated, or forced. When we do anything to get people to like us or to hurt us less, we cannot feel that what we receive is being offered. Real love can only be felt when it's freely offered and received. If you lie or act like a victim to get what you want and that person gave you what you wanted...that person might offered his gift freely and you did not receive it freely. In effect, you bought that gift with your behavior---by lying, acting like a victim, and attacking----just as if you 'd paid from them with money. And because of what you did, whatever the person gave you could not feel like a gift. This is what happens whenever we do anything to manipulate another person into giving us something we think we want, such as praise, attention, approval, and sex. Whatever we receive will always feel purchased and less worthwhile, even if it was freely offered.
Only when we set aside our manipulation behavior and tell the truth about ourselves can we create an opportunity for others to see us as we really are. Only when we are seen can we feel genuinely accepted and believe that other people truly care about our happiness, which is the definition of real love. It's simple but powerful
Truth>>>Seen>>>Accepted>>>
When we tell the truth about ourselves, especially our mistake and flaws---can we feel unconditionally accepted and loved for only short periods of time: We lose our emptiness and fear, and when that happens , we gradually lose our need for those self-destructive. Let me tell you some truth about me:
-I am afraid of someone leaving me
-I love sex....i want it all the time I am pervert
-I love talking about sex all the time and write about love
-I am very impatient
-I think i will die alone
-I jump into relationship from day one
Most people turn away from me because of my sexual energy and emotionally intensity.
DISAPPOINTMENT AND ANGER indicate that we're concerned for our happiness, not that our partner. When we have these feeling, we can't be giving Real Love to anyone. When people are empty and afraid, they can only be concerned about what others will do for them or to them. Let go into detail about this: Let say you are a neat freak and your partner is sloppy. You expect your partner to be neater and more considerate of you...is that right? Then your relationship is doomed. Relationship result from the choice people make independently. Your partner chosen to be a slop and that person get to make that choice, even if it's inconvenient for you. Your partner was slop all his life, long before he or she met you. You have three choices:
1-live with it and like it
2-live with it and hate
3-leave
There is no other opitions. You want options 4
4-stop being who that person is,
it would violate your partner's right to choose. Even when what we want is good, and other people make bad choices, we can't make them do what we want. You only get to make choice that involves your own behavior. Trying to change another person is manipuative, controlling, and arrogant, and it proves that we're primarily concerned with our own happiness, not our partner's. By manipulation your partner, you are depriving your partner of his ability to make independent choices, of showing his "true colors" which means that you not having a relationship with the real person.Your partner becomes nothing more than an extension of you...or your will----and you will be alone.
I would tell Melissa this all the time...(my ex)....I am not an extension of her...always
Whenever we control another person, that person becomes nothing more than an object---no different from our shoes or our car---and we can't have a relationship with an object. I spend a lot of time with my shoes and my car every days, but when I'm with them, I'm still alone.
bag and use our way to control people, but these actually keep us alone.
Unconditional love is always a gift freely given and freely received. Unconditional love is when someone cares about your happinesss with no thought for what he or she might get in return. It's genuine caring that cannot be bought, traded, manipulated, or forced. When we do anything to get people to like us or to hurt us less, we cannot feel that what we receive is being offered. Real love can only be felt when it's freely offered and received. If you lie or act like a victim to get what you want and that person gave you what you wanted...that person might offered his gift freely and you did not receive it freely. In effect, you bought that gift with your behavior---by lying, acting like a victim, and attacking----just as if you 'd paid from them with money. And because of what you did, whatever the person gave you could not feel like a gift. This is what happens whenever we do anything to manipulate another person into giving us something we think we want, such as praise, attention, approval, and sex. Whatever we receive will always feel purchased and less worthwhile, even if it was freely offered.
Only when we set aside our manipulation behavior and tell the truth about ourselves can we create an opportunity for others to see us as we really are. Only when we are seen can we feel genuinely accepted and believe that other people truly care about our happiness, which is the definition of real love. It's simple but powerful
Truth>>>Seen>>>Accepted>>>
When we tell the truth about ourselves, especially our mistake and flaws---can we feel unconditionally accepted and loved for only short periods of time: We lose our emptiness and fear, and when that happens , we gradually lose our need for those self-destructive. Let me tell you some truth about me:
-I am afraid of someone leaving me
-I love sex....i want it all the time I am pervert
-I love talking about sex all the time and write about love
-I am very impatient
-I think i will die alone
-I jump into relationship from day one
Most people turn away from me because of my sexual energy and emotionally intensity.
DISAPPOINTMENT AND ANGER indicate that we're concerned for our happiness, not that our partner. When we have these feeling, we can't be giving Real Love to anyone. When people are empty and afraid, they can only be concerned about what others will do for them or to them. Let go into detail about this: Let say you are a neat freak and your partner is sloppy. You expect your partner to be neater and more considerate of you...is that right? Then your relationship is doomed. Relationship result from the choice people make independently. Your partner chosen to be a slop and that person get to make that choice, even if it's inconvenient for you. Your partner was slop all his life, long before he or she met you. You have three choices:
1-live with it and like it
2-live with it and hate
3-leave
There is no other opitions. You want options 4
4-stop being who that person is,
it would violate your partner's right to choose. Even when what we want is good, and other people make bad choices, we can't make them do what we want. You only get to make choice that involves your own behavior. Trying to change another person is manipuative, controlling, and arrogant, and it proves that we're primarily concerned with our own happiness, not our partner's. By manipulation your partner, you are depriving your partner of his ability to make independent choices, of showing his "true colors" which means that you not having a relationship with the real person.Your partner becomes nothing more than an extension of you...or your will----and you will be alone.
I would tell Melissa this all the time...(my ex)....I am not an extension of her...always
Whenever we control another person, that person becomes nothing more than an object---no different from our shoes or our car---and we can't have a relationship with an object. I spend a lot of time with my shoes and my car every days, but when I'm with them, I'm still alone.
THE MISSING INGREDIENT: PART 5
Alot of people have this need to be right all the time. If you're unhappy in a relationship, you're always wrong. If you remember that, it will change your life. When you're unhappy, it means that you haven't yet done enough to feel unconditionally loved.That doesn't make your partner right, it just means that your happpiness is always in your own hand. To those of you who can't seem to stop being right, I suggest this--When you're unhappy, something is obviously not working. You may be partly right about a particular situation, but so what? Would you rather be right or happy? The only worthwhile goal in life is to find joy. Therefore, if what you're doing isn't giving you true joy, change it, even if you can find some thing thing you're doing that's blameless. Being right is worthless. Being happy is everything.
In the past, when people learned the truth about our mistakes and weakness, they often laughed at us, criticized us, punished us, and avoide us. We reacted by learning that when we lied, we often avoid the pain of criticism and rejection. It worked for us as kids, so we continue to lie as adults. Sometimes people will attack us when we tell the truth about ourselves, but those people are just afraid and protect themselves. Having faith does not mean believing we'll be loved by everyone we meet, because many people are incapable of loving us at teh moment we choose. I have faith that if we are consistently telling the truth, someone will accept and love us and someone will. I see it with my ex Joanne. I have faith and I feel unconditional love, I am no longer insisting that any particular person loves me right now. If the next ten people I meet fail to accept me--even if they're critical and otherwise attacking--that doesn't brother me at all, because I have faith that other people will love me. There have been plenty of times when people did love him, It doesn't matter how many people don't love you, only the people who do. Remember..that one person loves you can outweight the effect of a thousand people criticizing you.
When other people inconvenience us or get angry at us, they're just empty and afraid and protecting themselves. They can't give what they've never received either. But we get angry at people when they treat us badly...i am no exception here. We treat them as thought they were intentionally withholding something from us. We actually believe that other people choose to hurt us when they could just as easily choose to love us. If you have any doubt that emptiness and fear are the cause of angry, the next time someone is angry at you...apolgize for inconveniencing that person, give him or her a hug adn tell them you love them....but only if you mean it. I've never met an angry person who was intentionally withholding a secret supply of love. When we understand that that, ti makes no sense for us to continue resenting angry people. When we focus on our need for other people to change..it will only make us selfish, unloving, and unhappy.
When I first talk to someone about starting a relationship with them...I expect them to trust me from the get-go. The vast majority of people would reply back to me in this way "TRUST IS EARNED" Those three words clearly demonstrate the lack of faith. It's a deadly lie that we use only to hide our own fear and anger. When people say,
"Trust is earned" what they really mean is this:
I'm empty and afraid. I've been used and hurt by people many times in the past, and I'm afraid that everyone I met will do the same thing to me. I therefore protect myself constantly until people individually prove that I don't need to be afraid of them.
This faithless and frightened view guarantees we will try to maniuplate people. When we require people to prove they're worth trusting, we natrually and most unconsciously look for evidence that they're not. They will look for the slightest mistakes to justify their fear and prove that their suspicion were correct. As long as we assume that our partner are hurtful, they can never prove otherwise, because we will interpret everything they do in a negative way, confirming our critical assumptions about them. We do this to protect ourselves, but ironically, our attitude only succeed in hurting us. The more we protect ourselves, the more alone we feel, because we can't feel accepted and loved by people we fear. Loving relationship become much easier when we simply choose to have faith and trust. Faith means acting on a belief that doesn't yet have proof. If your partner has to prove that he's completely truthful and loving before you believe it and accept him, you'll never have a loving relationship with him. You'll never see the real change in him, and he won't want to share them with you. You'll never really trust him until you simply choose to do so.
The thought of excercising faith instead of protecting yourself can be scary. You many worry that if you trust someont who is actually lying to you or attacking you, you'll be hurt. Nut the actual risk is small. Lying and protecting yourself can only produce the same old feeling of temporary safety and being alone. The chance of finding genuine happiness is zero. On the other hand, even though telling the truth might not immediately rewarding, the chances it creates for finding real love and happiness are always greater than zero. Someone will eventually accept and love you forwho you really are. That's worth any risk you take. How can you lose? And the reward for your faith is huge: you can finally feel loved and learn to love others, the greatest experience in the world. In short, you have nothing to lose when you exercise faith and tell the truth
When you are in a relationship, you are so thrilled about with all the attention and acceptance that you are getting from each other. When the excitement of approval, praise, and sex began to wear off--as it always does when those things are used as from of fake love...most people become increasingly dissatified with each other. Most guy will start to avoid their partner (running) because most woman will demand that the guy give the woman the same amount attention he used to give when they were dating (victim, attacking). She would compain about how they won't talk anymore and do anything together. And most men would say that she always angry and nags all the time.
I remember Melissa complaining about me most of the itme. She was still criticizing my behavior. The belief is wrong..other people don't get us angry. She was the cause of her unhappiness. She have never felt unconditionally loved and so she expected me to make her happy which I couldn't possibbly do because I hadn't felt loved wither. When I failed to meet her expectation, Melissa felt more empty and afraid thatn ever. She then used her manipuation bebavior. She harshly criticized me (attacking) when I didn't give her what she wanted. She wined and complained that I was neglecting her (victim). She never admitted that naything was her fault(lying).
What I tell people in my blog, my website and in person:
I've felt empty, alone and afraid most of the time. I've felt empty, alone and afraid most of the the time. I've tried to fill my emptiness with whatever felt good at the time--praise, power, money, approval, sex sympathy, things like that. To get those things. I've manipulated people--I've lied, attacked people, and acted like a victim. I've also protected myself from being hurt by lying, attacking people, acting like a victim, and running. I want to tell you the truth about myself so that I'll finally be seen for who I really am--so I can really feel accepted and loved
In the past, when people learned the truth about our mistakes and weakness, they often laughed at us, criticized us, punished us, and avoide us. We reacted by learning that when we lied, we often avoid the pain of criticism and rejection. It worked for us as kids, so we continue to lie as adults. Sometimes people will attack us when we tell the truth about ourselves, but those people are just afraid and protect themselves. Having faith does not mean believing we'll be loved by everyone we meet, because many people are incapable of loving us at teh moment we choose. I have faith that if we are consistently telling the truth, someone will accept and love us and someone will. I see it with my ex Joanne. I have faith and I feel unconditional love, I am no longer insisting that any particular person loves me right now. If the next ten people I meet fail to accept me--even if they're critical and otherwise attacking--that doesn't brother me at all, because I have faith that other people will love me. There have been plenty of times when people did love him, It doesn't matter how many people don't love you, only the people who do. Remember..that one person loves you can outweight the effect of a thousand people criticizing you.
When other people inconvenience us or get angry at us, they're just empty and afraid and protecting themselves. They can't give what they've never received either. But we get angry at people when they treat us badly...i am no exception here. We treat them as thought they were intentionally withholding something from us. We actually believe that other people choose to hurt us when they could just as easily choose to love us. If you have any doubt that emptiness and fear are the cause of angry, the next time someone is angry at you...apolgize for inconveniencing that person, give him or her a hug adn tell them you love them....but only if you mean it. I've never met an angry person who was intentionally withholding a secret supply of love. When we understand that that, ti makes no sense for us to continue resenting angry people. When we focus on our need for other people to change..it will only make us selfish, unloving, and unhappy.
When I first talk to someone about starting a relationship with them...I expect them to trust me from the get-go. The vast majority of people would reply back to me in this way "TRUST IS EARNED" Those three words clearly demonstrate the lack of faith. It's a deadly lie that we use only to hide our own fear and anger. When people say,
"Trust is earned" what they really mean is this:
I'm empty and afraid. I've been used and hurt by people many times in the past, and I'm afraid that everyone I met will do the same thing to me. I therefore protect myself constantly until people individually prove that I don't need to be afraid of them.
This faithless and frightened view guarantees we will try to maniuplate people. When we require people to prove they're worth trusting, we natrually and most unconsciously look for evidence that they're not. They will look for the slightest mistakes to justify their fear and prove that their suspicion were correct. As long as we assume that our partner are hurtful, they can never prove otherwise, because we will interpret everything they do in a negative way, confirming our critical assumptions about them. We do this to protect ourselves, but ironically, our attitude only succeed in hurting us. The more we protect ourselves, the more alone we feel, because we can't feel accepted and loved by people we fear. Loving relationship become much easier when we simply choose to have faith and trust. Faith means acting on a belief that doesn't yet have proof. If your partner has to prove that he's completely truthful and loving before you believe it and accept him, you'll never have a loving relationship with him. You'll never see the real change in him, and he won't want to share them with you. You'll never really trust him until you simply choose to do so.
The thought of excercising faith instead of protecting yourself can be scary. You many worry that if you trust someont who is actually lying to you or attacking you, you'll be hurt. Nut the actual risk is small. Lying and protecting yourself can only produce the same old feeling of temporary safety and being alone. The chance of finding genuine happiness is zero. On the other hand, even though telling the truth might not immediately rewarding, the chances it creates for finding real love and happiness are always greater than zero. Someone will eventually accept and love you forwho you really are. That's worth any risk you take. How can you lose? And the reward for your faith is huge: you can finally feel loved and learn to love others, the greatest experience in the world. In short, you have nothing to lose when you exercise faith and tell the truth
When you are in a relationship, you are so thrilled about with all the attention and acceptance that you are getting from each other. When the excitement of approval, praise, and sex began to wear off--as it always does when those things are used as from of fake love...most people become increasingly dissatified with each other. Most guy will start to avoid their partner (running) because most woman will demand that the guy give the woman the same amount attention he used to give when they were dating (victim, attacking). She would compain about how they won't talk anymore and do anything together. And most men would say that she always angry and nags all the time.
I remember Melissa complaining about me most of the itme. She was still criticizing my behavior. The belief is wrong..other people don't get us angry. She was the cause of her unhappiness. She have never felt unconditionally loved and so she expected me to make her happy which I couldn't possibbly do because I hadn't felt loved wither. When I failed to meet her expectation, Melissa felt more empty and afraid thatn ever. She then used her manipuation bebavior. She harshly criticized me (attacking) when I didn't give her what she wanted. She wined and complained that I was neglecting her (victim). She never admitted that naything was her fault(lying).
What I tell people in my blog, my website and in person:
I've felt empty, alone and afraid most of the time. I've felt empty, alone and afraid most of the the time. I've tried to fill my emptiness with whatever felt good at the time--praise, power, money, approval, sex sympathy, things like that. To get those things. I've manipulated people--I've lied, attacked people, and acted like a victim. I've also protected myself from being hurt by lying, attacking people, acting like a victim, and running. I want to tell you the truth about myself so that I'll finally be seen for who I really am--so I can really feel accepted and loved
THE MISSING INGREDIENT: PART 6
I've used praise as a form of imitation love all my life. I've tired to look good and do thingsforpeople so they'd think well of me and say nice things to me. I've used praise like a drug. But it doesn't last. I hide my fears and mistakes, and I end up feeling like people don't see who I really am. So I feel empty and alone a lot of the time.
-when people criticize me, I protect myself by attacking them, usually with anger. I've done that more times than I can count.
-I'm always afraid of making mistakes and being laughed at, so I tend to avoid people. That's running
-I'm beginning to realize that I complain alot. When I complain that things aren't fair and taht people don't treat me right. I do that, I'm acting like a victims, and I do that pretty often.
-I talk about the good things I do do that people will be impressed and like me. But of course I don't tell them I'm trying to get them to like me, so that's lying.
As soon as you expect any one person to accept and love you, you will ruin the possiblity of feeling unconditionally loved. Real love is freely given and received. Expection ruin the possiblity of feeling love. Our anger is a reactions to fear, and our fear is almost always about not feeling loved. You get angry because then you feel less powerless. Imagine that you're down to your last dollars, and you're hungry. Putting the money on a table, you get ready to go out and buy some bread. Suddenly, I dash into the room, snatch the two dollars off the table, and run away before you can stop me. You'd almost certainly be angry at me.
Now imagine that I do exactly the same thing----steal two dollars off your table as you get ready to go out and buy some bread---but this time you know you have twenty millions dollars in the bank. How would you feel this time? The loss of two dollars matters very little when you have twenty millions. That's how it feels to have sufficient real love. It's like having twenty millions dollars all the time. And then, when people are inconsiderate, when they fail do do what we want, and even when they attack us, they're only taking two dollars which we can easily afford to lose. When we feel unconditionally loved, everything else becomes relatively insignificant. Poeple don't makes us angry anymore. Heavy traffic, for examply, become a tiny nuisance, not something that makes us angry and unhappy, as it once did. When people
speak badly of us, we're not threatend, we understand that they're simply afraid and protecting themselves. Other people's anger disturbs us only because we feel unloved when they get angry. But the solutions is not to controls their anger, or attack them in return, or run or act like victims. The solutions is to feel loved, and we don't need to feel loved by everyone. We don't need to feel loved by the people from the past who once failed to love us. We just need to know that we are loved by someone. We've experience uncounted broken promises, unkind words, and moments when our hopes for acceptance have been brutally crushed.
I always asked "what is wrong with me?"
If I am unhappy, there's always something missing in my life, and it's always the same thing. I didn't feel loved. From the time I was a child, people liked me better when they get what they want. That's natural, but it's conditional love. What I really needed---and what I need now---is real love, which is unconditional. But I didn't get that, and I're not getting it now, and that's why I was'nt happy. Unconditional love is the only thing in life that can make I genuinely happy. When I got into relationship , I hoped that my partner would make me happy, but they also never been unconditionally loved, either, so they couldn't give me what I really needed. We both found ourself in teh impossible situations of starving to death and hopelessly demanding to be fed by one other. That is why I was feeling like my relationship there was something missing. We must get loved ourselves before we can love anyone else, and the process of feeling loved begins with telling the truth about ourselves to people who are capable of accepting and loving us.
Being ungrateful is a natural result of having expectations. When we suffer the pain of emptiness and fear, we feel justified in expecting other people to drop what they're doing and help us. But those expectations destroy happiness. When I expect you to give me five apples and you give me only three, I can't possibly be grateful for the three I get. I effectively ruin the enjoyment of your gift by focusing on the two apples I don't get. What a pity. When we don't get what we expect, we're always disappointed. And even when we do get what we expect, the best we can feel is "not disappointed," which is the problem with having expectations-its a lot less fun than feeling loved and being grateful.
We see people clearly when we see them as they really are---with their needs, fears, and strenghts---instead of seeing what we want from them or fear from them. And we must see people clearly before we can love them unconditionally. When we don't feel loved ourselves---when we're empty and afraid---we can't see people clearly; we can see only what they might do to us or for us. Our vision is impaired, and that conditions inevitably leads to expectations, disappointments and intolerance. We simply cannot tolerate anyone who will not help us. But most of the people around us don't feel unconditionally loved, either, so they're naturally entirely on filling their own needs. We realize that all the unattractive behavior of human being--attacking, accusing, manipulating, selfishness, anger, and so on---are just
reactions to their own emptiness and fear. When we feel loved, we no longer find people ugly when they use their behavior to get what they want.
-when people criticize me, I protect myself by attacking them, usually with anger. I've done that more times than I can count.
-I'm always afraid of making mistakes and being laughed at, so I tend to avoid people. That's running
-I'm beginning to realize that I complain alot. When I complain that things aren't fair and taht people don't treat me right. I do that, I'm acting like a victims, and I do that pretty often.
-I talk about the good things I do do that people will be impressed and like me. But of course I don't tell them I'm trying to get them to like me, so that's lying.
As soon as you expect any one person to accept and love you, you will ruin the possiblity of feeling unconditionally loved. Real love is freely given and received. Expection ruin the possiblity of feeling love. Our anger is a reactions to fear, and our fear is almost always about not feeling loved. You get angry because then you feel less powerless. Imagine that you're down to your last dollars, and you're hungry. Putting the money on a table, you get ready to go out and buy some bread. Suddenly, I dash into the room, snatch the two dollars off the table, and run away before you can stop me. You'd almost certainly be angry at me.
Now imagine that I do exactly the same thing----steal two dollars off your table as you get ready to go out and buy some bread---but this time you know you have twenty millions dollars in the bank. How would you feel this time? The loss of two dollars matters very little when you have twenty millions. That's how it feels to have sufficient real love. It's like having twenty millions dollars all the time. And then, when people are inconsiderate, when they fail do do what we want, and even when they attack us, they're only taking two dollars which we can easily afford to lose. When we feel unconditionally loved, everything else becomes relatively insignificant. Poeple don't makes us angry anymore. Heavy traffic, for examply, become a tiny nuisance, not something that makes us angry and unhappy, as it once did. When people
speak badly of us, we're not threatend, we understand that they're simply afraid and protecting themselves. Other people's anger disturbs us only because we feel unloved when they get angry. But the solutions is not to controls their anger, or attack them in return, or run or act like victims. The solutions is to feel loved, and we don't need to feel loved by everyone. We don't need to feel loved by the people from the past who once failed to love us. We just need to know that we are loved by someone. We've experience uncounted broken promises, unkind words, and moments when our hopes for acceptance have been brutally crushed.
I always asked "what is wrong with me?"
If I am unhappy, there's always something missing in my life, and it's always the same thing. I didn't feel loved. From the time I was a child, people liked me better when they get what they want. That's natural, but it's conditional love. What I really needed---and what I need now---is real love, which is unconditional. But I didn't get that, and I're not getting it now, and that's why I was'nt happy. Unconditional love is the only thing in life that can make I genuinely happy. When I got into relationship , I hoped that my partner would make me happy, but they also never been unconditionally loved, either, so they couldn't give me what I really needed. We both found ourself in teh impossible situations of starving to death and hopelessly demanding to be fed by one other. That is why I was feeling like my relationship there was something missing. We must get loved ourselves before we can love anyone else, and the process of feeling loved begins with telling the truth about ourselves to people who are capable of accepting and loving us.
Being ungrateful is a natural result of having expectations. When we suffer the pain of emptiness and fear, we feel justified in expecting other people to drop what they're doing and help us. But those expectations destroy happiness. When I expect you to give me five apples and you give me only three, I can't possibly be grateful for the three I get. I effectively ruin the enjoyment of your gift by focusing on the two apples I don't get. What a pity. When we don't get what we expect, we're always disappointed. And even when we do get what we expect, the best we can feel is "not disappointed," which is the problem with having expectations-its a lot less fun than feeling loved and being grateful.
We see people clearly when we see them as they really are---with their needs, fears, and strenghts---instead of seeing what we want from them or fear from them. And we must see people clearly before we can love them unconditionally. When we don't feel loved ourselves---when we're empty and afraid---we can't see people clearly; we can see only what they might do to us or for us. Our vision is impaired, and that conditions inevitably leads to expectations, disappointments and intolerance. We simply cannot tolerate anyone who will not help us. But most of the people around us don't feel unconditionally loved, either, so they're naturally entirely on filling their own needs. We realize that all the unattractive behavior of human being--attacking, accusing, manipulating, selfishness, anger, and so on---are just
reactions to their own emptiness and fear. When we feel loved, we no longer find people ugly when they use their behavior to get what they want.
THE MISSING INGREDIENT: PART 7
There are 2 reason why we don't accept people as they are:
1-we want something from them and don't get it. When we feel unloved, we cannot accept anyone who fails to give us what we want.
2-We're afraid of them because they're criticizing, mocking, or avoiding us- or because they might do those things. How can we possibly accept someone we're afraid of?
We don't accept people because we are empty and afraid, The solution to our intolerance is obvious. We nee to feel unconditionally loved, which will elimate our emptiness and fear, and then it will be easy for us to see people as they are--instead of as object to be used or feared--and accept them.
When I sometimes look at a woman, I am sometimes too selfish to see who she really is. I see only how she might make me happy--by giving me something beautiful to look at, by flattering me, or by becoming an object of my sexual fantasies. If a woman offer me those things, I like her. That's fake love because I am concern with my happiness and not hers. I don't love unattractive woman because they can't give me the kind of fake love I want. When you have real love you won't see people only as object that either are or are not capable of filling my emptiness. You'll be able to see who people really are, and then you'll see that everyone really is beautiful. You'll accept people instead of rejecting them because of their supposedly unattractive physical features. Without real love, we see people only as object that will or will not give us what we want. When they don't, we reject them and criticize them for being too rich, poor, tall, short, black, white, fat, skinny, beautiful, unattractive, and so on.
Disappointment is one of the most common ways we demonstrate our lack of acceptance toward our partner. Without unconditional love, we're miserable and then we naturally expect our partner to help us feel better by giving us what we want. When they don't we're disappointed. We tend to believe that other people exist for the primary purpose of making us happy, and when they don't we judge their behavior to be unacceptable. Anger is a tiny step beyond disappointment, and is always selfish and unloving. As long as we feel angry, we can't have a loving relationship with anyone.Anger is never justifiable. It always demonstrates a lack of acceptance. But accepting people doesn't mean that we can impose consequence for their poor choices.
Criticism means that we want the other person to be a different person. " Sometimes I can't believe that things I've said to you. I just needed someone to make me happy, so I snapped at you whatever you did anything I didn't like. It's embrassing to me now, and I'm sorry.
Does acceptance mean we can never ask for what we want? Does it mean we have to lie down like a doormat and put up with everything our partner does? NO NO NO NO!!! You can make request for what we want, say no when people make their own request and demands, and insist that people not do hamful things to us. Acceptance doesn't mean approval of bad behavior, It's possible to identify and condemn unloving and destructive behavior whie still accepting the person exhibiting that behavior. But that's not what most people do,
Picture in your mind a partner who is sometimes inconsiderate, thoughtless, or unkind. Sometimes you just don't like being around the person. But as you gain more experience with real love, you'll get to the point where you don't need that one person to behave in any particular way in order for you to be happy. When you don't need him or her to do anything for you ro stop doing anything to you, you can begin to understand that his behavior ir not intended to irrirate you personally. You can begin to see who she really is.
Many people, however, refuse to give love when they're not immediately rewarded with something in return. They abandon their relationship whenever the exchange of love is unfair. Such people cannot create loving relationship. Before a relationship can break out of a pattern of self-protection, and trading fake love. Let me compare loving other people as sharing a bucket of water. When our bucket is empty when we don't feel loved, we simply don;t have anything to give to anyone. Even when we want to love and help other people, we can't there's nothing in the bucket to pour out. But when we don what it takes to get loved ourselves---as other pour what they have int our bucket--we can beging to share what we have, and the moe we have, the more we have to give.
Some of you are sayting that If we can love everybody, how can we love someone we don't know very well? Because they need it. That's all the reason we ever need to love anyone..because they need it. You're accustomed to people loving you because of some trait you have, but that's not really uncondtional love, is it? When a child is born, what do we know about him? Nothing, we love that baby because he needs it. Why do we feed people who are starving? Because they're hungry, We don't need anything about you to being caring about your happiness. We can unconditionally love everyone just because they need it, but as we get to know people, it's natural that we enjoy being around some people more than other. Some people are more fun, more loving, and easier to be around than others, and it's understandable that we'd choose to spend a greater portion of our time with them.
Many of us deny that our fixation on physical appearence has anything to do with sex. "There's nothing wroint with enjoying physical beauty, it's like admiring a great work of art, or a piece of literature, or an exceptional skill.That is totally ridiculous. Do we really prefer one nose or pair of lips over another because it conforms to some mathematical model? Doe we admire long, wavy hair because it's more functional than balding scalp? Do we enjoy large breast because they're artistically more pleasing then a flat chest? NO NO If we care unconditionally about the happiness of another person, why would our love be affected in any way by that person's physical appearance? Why would we care more about the happiness of a beautiful woman than an ugly. There is a potential danger of sex---that it can distract us from finding unconditional love. In the absence of real love, sex is so enjoyable that when we get enough of it, we think we're truly happy. Without emptiness and fear, we will no longer have a need to fill ourselves in an obsessive way with the hollow pleasures of sex and other form of fake love.
Most woman attract men to them with their sexual desirablity and availablity. They soon discover that they have considerable power over their behavior. Although most were powerless with their parents and most other people. They will discover that with seh they can persude men to do anything. If they can't have what they want the most---real love---the power to control other people is intoxicating. In return for the power to control other people most woman gave them pleasure. The physical pleasure of sex...sight, sound, touch, taste and smell--are intense. When our lives are otherwise unfulfilling, sex provide an immediate thrill so powerful that we're often willing to risk serious soical,emotional, health, and even criminal consequence to get it. Many relationship are initially based on an exchange of the praise, power, and pleasure derived from sex.Most women when they have sex...get a feeling of being desirable, worthwhile, and important--a combination of praise and power. But the moment they start receiving less praise and power from the the trade than she was getting from the beginning of the relationship they no longer want to participate. The problem isn't with sex..the problem is that you're using sex as a form of fake love and you don't thing the trading is fair. The problem
will be solved with they stop using sex as a from of fake love and start seeing it as an expression of real love.
1-we want something from them and don't get it. When we feel unloved, we cannot accept anyone who fails to give us what we want.
2-We're afraid of them because they're criticizing, mocking, or avoiding us- or because they might do those things. How can we possibly accept someone we're afraid of?
We don't accept people because we are empty and afraid, The solution to our intolerance is obvious. We nee to feel unconditionally loved, which will elimate our emptiness and fear, and then it will be easy for us to see people as they are--instead of as object to be used or feared--and accept them.
When I sometimes look at a woman, I am sometimes too selfish to see who she really is. I see only how she might make me happy--by giving me something beautiful to look at, by flattering me, or by becoming an object of my sexual fantasies. If a woman offer me those things, I like her. That's fake love because I am concern with my happiness and not hers. I don't love unattractive woman because they can't give me the kind of fake love I want. When you have real love you won't see people only as object that either are or are not capable of filling my emptiness. You'll be able to see who people really are, and then you'll see that everyone really is beautiful. You'll accept people instead of rejecting them because of their supposedly unattractive physical features. Without real love, we see people only as object that will or will not give us what we want. When they don't, we reject them and criticize them for being too rich, poor, tall, short, black, white, fat, skinny, beautiful, unattractive, and so on.
Disappointment is one of the most common ways we demonstrate our lack of acceptance toward our partner. Without unconditional love, we're miserable and then we naturally expect our partner to help us feel better by giving us what we want. When they don't we're disappointed. We tend to believe that other people exist for the primary purpose of making us happy, and when they don't we judge their behavior to be unacceptable. Anger is a tiny step beyond disappointment, and is always selfish and unloving. As long as we feel angry, we can't have a loving relationship with anyone.Anger is never justifiable. It always demonstrates a lack of acceptance. But accepting people doesn't mean that we can impose consequence for their poor choices.
Criticism means that we want the other person to be a different person. " Sometimes I can't believe that things I've said to you. I just needed someone to make me happy, so I snapped at you whatever you did anything I didn't like. It's embrassing to me now, and I'm sorry.
Does acceptance mean we can never ask for what we want? Does it mean we have to lie down like a doormat and put up with everything our partner does? NO NO NO NO!!! You can make request for what we want, say no when people make their own request and demands, and insist that people not do hamful things to us. Acceptance doesn't mean approval of bad behavior, It's possible to identify and condemn unloving and destructive behavior whie still accepting the person exhibiting that behavior. But that's not what most people do,
Picture in your mind a partner who is sometimes inconsiderate, thoughtless, or unkind. Sometimes you just don't like being around the person. But as you gain more experience with real love, you'll get to the point where you don't need that one person to behave in any particular way in order for you to be happy. When you don't need him or her to do anything for you ro stop doing anything to you, you can begin to understand that his behavior ir not intended to irrirate you personally. You can begin to see who she really is.
Many people, however, refuse to give love when they're not immediately rewarded with something in return. They abandon their relationship whenever the exchange of love is unfair. Such people cannot create loving relationship. Before a relationship can break out of a pattern of self-protection, and trading fake love. Let me compare loving other people as sharing a bucket of water. When our bucket is empty when we don't feel loved, we simply don;t have anything to give to anyone. Even when we want to love and help other people, we can't there's nothing in the bucket to pour out. But when we don what it takes to get loved ourselves---as other pour what they have int our bucket--we can beging to share what we have, and the moe we have, the more we have to give.
Some of you are sayting that If we can love everybody, how can we love someone we don't know very well? Because they need it. That's all the reason we ever need to love anyone..because they need it. You're accustomed to people loving you because of some trait you have, but that's not really uncondtional love, is it? When a child is born, what do we know about him? Nothing, we love that baby because he needs it. Why do we feed people who are starving? Because they're hungry, We don't need anything about you to being caring about your happiness. We can unconditionally love everyone just because they need it, but as we get to know people, it's natural that we enjoy being around some people more than other. Some people are more fun, more loving, and easier to be around than others, and it's understandable that we'd choose to spend a greater portion of our time with them.
Many of us deny that our fixation on physical appearence has anything to do with sex. "There's nothing wroint with enjoying physical beauty, it's like admiring a great work of art, or a piece of literature, or an exceptional skill.That is totally ridiculous. Do we really prefer one nose or pair of lips over another because it conforms to some mathematical model? Doe we admire long, wavy hair because it's more functional than balding scalp? Do we enjoy large breast because they're artistically more pleasing then a flat chest? NO NO If we care unconditionally about the happiness of another person, why would our love be affected in any way by that person's physical appearance? Why would we care more about the happiness of a beautiful woman than an ugly. There is a potential danger of sex---that it can distract us from finding unconditional love. In the absence of real love, sex is so enjoyable that when we get enough of it, we think we're truly happy. Without emptiness and fear, we will no longer have a need to fill ourselves in an obsessive way with the hollow pleasures of sex and other form of fake love.
Most woman attract men to them with their sexual desirablity and availablity. They soon discover that they have considerable power over their behavior. Although most were powerless with their parents and most other people. They will discover that with seh they can persude men to do anything. If they can't have what they want the most---real love---the power to control other people is intoxicating. In return for the power to control other people most woman gave them pleasure. The physical pleasure of sex...sight, sound, touch, taste and smell--are intense. When our lives are otherwise unfulfilling, sex provide an immediate thrill so powerful that we're often willing to risk serious soical,emotional, health, and even criminal consequence to get it. Many relationship are initially based on an exchange of the praise, power, and pleasure derived from sex.Most women when they have sex...get a feeling of being desirable, worthwhile, and important--a combination of praise and power. But the moment they start receiving less praise and power from the the trade than she was getting from the beginning of the relationship they no longer want to participate. The problem isn't with sex..the problem is that you're using sex as a form of fake love and you don't thing the trading is fair. The problem
will be solved with they stop using sex as a from of fake love and start seeing it as an expression of real love.
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