Nobody's getting married like they used to and everybody wants to blame the guys for it. Let me itemize, reiterate and encapsulate a few things about the so-called "delay of marriage." But first let me say the following by way of introduction to my subject matter:
Anybody who believes immature, single men are primarily to blame for people putting off marriage or not getting married at all needs to stop what he or she is doing right now, get up, go to the bedroom, and stay there until I say otherwise.
Here are some talking points I like to bring up
1. The Cosmo Complex
Women, due to a confluence of increased independence, increased social status, increased economic power, and a gynocentric culture, now have inflated assumptions about how men should be. A plethora of romance novels, mainstream television shows, movies geared towards women, etc. simply adds fuel to the fire. However, there is no serious widespread conversation about whether or not the criteria women set up for suitors are fair or warranted.
There are much more cultural controls for men who have unrealistic assumptions about women than vice versa. You see articles shaming men for viewing women through the lens of physical beauty. You see our media putting down men for going "out of their league" (envision the stereotypical blonde who pours the drink down the shirt of Joe Six-Pack). But where is the analogue in our cultural discourse for women who have unrealistic ambitions for men out of their league? Dove commercials can focus on realistically beautiful women (see also the Campaign for Real Beauty), but I don't see culture wringing its hands in a similar fashion to counteract some of the mental distortions women have about the ideal man.
When it comes to romance, media tells ordinary women they are all princesses and deserving of the best. It hearkens back to the Disney movies. I suppose much of this is the result of women being the pursued sex, the ones who reject the advances, the gatekeepers with regard to formation of relationships. But with woman-firstersim, the egos of the pursued sex get magnified. Women need to realize playing hard to get has it pitfalls. You won't have self-respecting men feeling sorry for you when you blow off opportunities. They are not going to listen to you whine about their being "no good men left" when you treated many men, who are indeed good, so shabbily--or like they didn't exist.
Why is there a delay in marriage? Because many women have drunk the Kool-Aid and believed they were goddesses of the new millennium and there would be an endless supply of suitors to choose from. This is especially the case for Gen X women who now are waking up with a bad hangover. Buyer's remorse is indeed setting in for women in this age group. No ladies, "you can't have it all" when it comes to mate selection.
2. The Cinderella Paradox
Women tend to be hypergamous. The "Paradox" is that as women increase their social status, the ability of men to be desirable mates for these women decreases. The pyramid narrows at the top, but don't tell this to the modern woman. She has conned herself into believing that their are enough men of high status to go around who are, at the same time, serious about marriage.
the recent downturn in the economy has essentially impacted male-dominated professions, except for one field--the repair industry. Do you know any professional women who want to marry repair men?
We can't put the toothpaste back into the tube, tell women to stop seeking prestigious jobs, or tell them to get back into the kitchen and bake some pie. But the doesn't stop many so-called liberated women from confining men to the old, stereotyped role of being "the main earner" does it? The reason there is a delay in marriages is because a critical mass of women show they are clueless about this matter.
3. Your Female Essence Is Not So Great
I've already said something about women being told by society they are princesses and how such leads to inflated expectations regarding men. I also believe women being told they are princesses by a gynocentric, chivalrous society causes them to be blind to their own shortcomings. Women complain that media portrays them in an unrealistic manner. Indeed, this is the case. Popular culture is too flattering to women. Popular culture wants us to believe that the woman on the street is beautiful, intelligent, savvy, more adept than the men around her, emotionally stable, quick-witted, resourceful, etc. She is not the woman on the street that I know in real life.
The women I know in real life are not goddesses. They are Just. Human. Beings. They snore. Their breath stinks. They pass gas and it smells as bad as what comes from a man. They lose it. They have weird quirks. They take medications for their emotional problems. They have to turn to the men in their lives to fix things. They they say and do stupid things. In essence, they don't fare much better than their male counterparts in dealing with the vicissitudes of life. They're just as screwed up as everybody else. Like Alfred Adler said, "The only normal people are the one's you don't know very well."
The reason there are delays in marriage is because a lot of women don't see themselves as the flawed creatures they are--in need of God's grace like everyone else. Ergo, they are not willing to extend grace to the men around them. There is another reason for a delay in marriage. It's because some women, like men, are--gasp--not marriage material.
4. The Tool in the Company Store
Do you know what a lot of single men see when they look at their married counterparts? They see married men being treated like the tool. Nobody wants to be a tool. I daresay if your typical man wants to marry, it's because he's marrying for love. What do women marry for? From the looks of things, it's property, children, and social status. You demur when I say that, do you? Explain, then, the recurrent theme in our media of some older divorcée or widow who, having had her children and her inheritance at the expense of some man, says something along the lines of: "I'm not looking anymore. I just don't feel the need to clean up after some slob, yada, yada." Of course, she isn't looking. She got what she wanted.
There yet remains to be any serious discussion in this culture about how women objectify and demean men in marriage. Indeed, that married men might want to be treated as human beings with their own valid opinions seems earth-shattering to some women. Dr. Laura writes a book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and women get upset. The insulting corniness of the title aside, why did such a book have to be written in the first place? Isn't caring about what should be the most important man in a woman's life a no-brainer? Apparently for a lot of women it isn't. Too many married men are treated like appliances, or that loud relative that visits every so often and that you wish would go away at the end of the evening.
Women simply do not have enough love and respect for their husbands to care about the relationship needs and desires of these men in terms of emotional and physical intimacy. The pundits talk about men defrauding women before marriage. How about the women who defraud men after marriage (1 Corinthians 7:5)? No we can't talk about that, because men have to earn affection from their wives, dont'cha know.
Men have observed how their fathers have been treated in the new era of gender relationships. Young men are afraid of commitment. No surprise there! It's not "just a piece of paper" after all. They know "everything changes" after marriage. Indeed, what does change? Huh? Answer me. They know. It's about the obligations ... which tend to be slanted one way and offset by not very much being given back. You see, we talk about a man's fear of divorce. But there's another bogey-man here: the loveless marriage.
Like I said, many married men are treated like the tool. And the social structure is rigged like the Company Store. What's on the shelves? Marriage 2.0. It all about her expectations, their parents expectations, their friends expectations, the expectations of everyone else. It's about "keeping up appearances" and "keeping up with the Joneses." So, many men exhaust themselves physically, financially, mentally, and emotionally because what's on the shelf puts them in debt with the Store Managers. In this day and age, will a man's life really be enhanced by saying "I do" or will it be diminished? Will he have to sacrifice his dreams in a culture where a woman's opinion trumps all other viewpoints in a relationship? To say that the modern marriage (Marriage 2.0) is female-centered to a fault is an understatement.
Men are not wanted "for richer or poorer," "in sickness and health," or "for better or worse." They are wanted for what they provide. They are just a means to an end. The modern married man is just a cardboard cut-out, a body double, a convenient warm body to full the role of making the princess' dreams comes true. In the end, he is viewed as a commodity or resource that is disposable or expendable. His worth is ultimately determined by his usefulness to women. Too many men are finding out that their wives didn't really marry them; instead, these women married a fantasy of "being married." That is the essence of Marriage 2.0 for you. Moreover, let me say that a lot husbands are being torn down psychologically and blamed for everything that goes wrong in a marriage or family. But society and even the church just looks the other way. Are modern women and their male apologists so incorrigibly stupid as to believe that single men aren't picking up on these things that I've mentioned?
If what I saying here is overstated, then why is marriage framed in terms of a cost for men? Why do they say, "Why but the cow when you can get the milk for free?" If marriage was so great for men, then shouldn't they see it as an opportunity and not as a cost? Well it seems being the princess in modern society means not only that you get to treat men shabbily before a relationship, but during the relationship as well. In short, there is a delay in marriage because men are not getting anything out of what is offered and women don't care enough to have it otherwise.
5. Divorce
There is mounting evidence that as men discover the terms of marriage and divorce today, they are engaging in a marriage boycott or marriage “strike”: refusing to marry or start families, knowing they can be criminalized if their wife walks out and how attractive the divorce industry has made it easy for her to do so. …. no matter how decent, hardworking, and caring you may be as a father, that in the event of separation, you will more than likely not get custody of your child, you will lose up to 80% of all of your assets, you will have to pay up to five times the cost of raising a child, and most importantly you could never see your child again.”
1. The Cosmo Complex
Women, due to a confluence of increased independence, increased social status, increased economic power, and a gynocentric culture, now have inflated assumptions about how men should be. A plethora of romance novels, mainstream television shows, movies geared towards women, etc. simply adds fuel to the fire. However, there is no serious widespread conversation about whether or not the criteria women set up for suitors are fair or warranted.
There are much more cultural controls for men who have unrealistic assumptions about women than vice versa. You see articles shaming men for viewing women through the lens of physical beauty. You see our media putting down men for going "out of their league" (envision the stereotypical blonde who pours the drink down the shirt of Joe Six-Pack). But where is the analogue in our cultural discourse for women who have unrealistic ambitions for men out of their league? Dove commercials can focus on realistically beautiful women (see also the Campaign for Real Beauty), but I don't see culture wringing its hands in a similar fashion to counteract some of the mental distortions women have about the ideal man.
When it comes to romance, media tells ordinary women they are all princesses and deserving of the best. It hearkens back to the Disney movies. I suppose much of this is the result of women being the pursued sex, the ones who reject the advances, the gatekeepers with regard to formation of relationships. But with woman-firstersim, the egos of the pursued sex get magnified. Women need to realize playing hard to get has it pitfalls. You won't have self-respecting men feeling sorry for you when you blow off opportunities. They are not going to listen to you whine about their being "no good men left" when you treated many men, who are indeed good, so shabbily--or like they didn't exist.
Why is there a delay in marriage? Because many women have drunk the Kool-Aid and believed they were goddesses of the new millennium and there would be an endless supply of suitors to choose from. This is especially the case for Gen X women who now are waking up with a bad hangover. Buyer's remorse is indeed setting in for women in this age group. No ladies, "you can't have it all" when it comes to mate selection.
2. The Cinderella Paradox
Women tend to be hypergamous. The "Paradox" is that as women increase their social status, the ability of men to be desirable mates for these women decreases. The pyramid narrows at the top, but don't tell this to the modern woman. She has conned herself into believing that their are enough men of high status to go around who are, at the same time, serious about marriage.
the recent downturn in the economy has essentially impacted male-dominated professions, except for one field--the repair industry. Do you know any professional women who want to marry repair men?
We can't put the toothpaste back into the tube, tell women to stop seeking prestigious jobs, or tell them to get back into the kitchen and bake some pie. But the doesn't stop many so-called liberated women from confining men to the old, stereotyped role of being "the main earner" does it? The reason there is a delay in marriages is because a critical mass of women show they are clueless about this matter.
3. Your Female Essence Is Not So Great
I've already said something about women being told by society they are princesses and how such leads to inflated expectations regarding men. I also believe women being told they are princesses by a gynocentric, chivalrous society causes them to be blind to their own shortcomings. Women complain that media portrays them in an unrealistic manner. Indeed, this is the case. Popular culture is too flattering to women. Popular culture wants us to believe that the woman on the street is beautiful, intelligent, savvy, more adept than the men around her, emotionally stable, quick-witted, resourceful, etc. She is not the woman on the street that I know in real life.
The women I know in real life are not goddesses. They are Just. Human. Beings. They snore. Their breath stinks. They pass gas and it smells as bad as what comes from a man. They lose it. They have weird quirks. They take medications for their emotional problems. They have to turn to the men in their lives to fix things. They they say and do stupid things. In essence, they don't fare much better than their male counterparts in dealing with the vicissitudes of life. They're just as screwed up as everybody else. Like Alfred Adler said, "The only normal people are the one's you don't know very well."
The reason there are delays in marriage is because a lot of women don't see themselves as the flawed creatures they are--in need of God's grace like everyone else. Ergo, they are not willing to extend grace to the men around them. There is another reason for a delay in marriage. It's because some women, like men, are--gasp--not marriage material.
4. The Tool in the Company Store
Do you know what a lot of single men see when they look at their married counterparts? They see married men being treated like the tool. Nobody wants to be a tool. I daresay if your typical man wants to marry, it's because he's marrying for love. What do women marry for? From the looks of things, it's property, children, and social status. You demur when I say that, do you? Explain, then, the recurrent theme in our media of some older divorcée or widow who, having had her children and her inheritance at the expense of some man, says something along the lines of: "I'm not looking anymore. I just don't feel the need to clean up after some slob, yada, yada." Of course, she isn't looking. She got what she wanted.
There yet remains to be any serious discussion in this culture about how women objectify and demean men in marriage. Indeed, that married men might want to be treated as human beings with their own valid opinions seems earth-shattering to some women. Dr. Laura writes a book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and women get upset. The insulting corniness of the title aside, why did such a book have to be written in the first place? Isn't caring about what should be the most important man in a woman's life a no-brainer? Apparently for a lot of women it isn't. Too many married men are treated like appliances, or that loud relative that visits every so often and that you wish would go away at the end of the evening.
Women simply do not have enough love and respect for their husbands to care about the relationship needs and desires of these men in terms of emotional and physical intimacy. The pundits talk about men defrauding women before marriage. How about the women who defraud men after marriage (1 Corinthians 7:5)? No we can't talk about that, because men have to earn affection from their wives, dont'cha know.
Men have observed how their fathers have been treated in the new era of gender relationships. Young men are afraid of commitment. No surprise there! It's not "just a piece of paper" after all. They know "everything changes" after marriage. Indeed, what does change? Huh? Answer me. They know. It's about the obligations ... which tend to be slanted one way and offset by not very much being given back. You see, we talk about a man's fear of divorce. But there's another bogey-man here: the loveless marriage.
Like I said, many married men are treated like the tool. And the social structure is rigged like the Company Store. What's on the shelves? Marriage 2.0. It all about her expectations, their parents expectations, their friends expectations, the expectations of everyone else. It's about "keeping up appearances" and "keeping up with the Joneses." So, many men exhaust themselves physically, financially, mentally, and emotionally because what's on the shelf puts them in debt with the Store Managers. In this day and age, will a man's life really be enhanced by saying "I do" or will it be diminished? Will he have to sacrifice his dreams in a culture where a woman's opinion trumps all other viewpoints in a relationship? To say that the modern marriage (Marriage 2.0) is female-centered to a fault is an understatement.
Men are not wanted "for richer or poorer," "in sickness and health," or "for better or worse." They are wanted for what they provide. They are just a means to an end. The modern married man is just a cardboard cut-out, a body double, a convenient warm body to full the role of making the princess' dreams comes true. In the end, he is viewed as a commodity or resource that is disposable or expendable. His worth is ultimately determined by his usefulness to women. Too many men are finding out that their wives didn't really marry them; instead, these women married a fantasy of "being married." That is the essence of Marriage 2.0 for you. Moreover, let me say that a lot husbands are being torn down psychologically and blamed for everything that goes wrong in a marriage or family. But society and even the church just looks the other way. Are modern women and their male apologists so incorrigibly stupid as to believe that single men aren't picking up on these things that I've mentioned?
If what I saying here is overstated, then why is marriage framed in terms of a cost for men? Why do they say, "Why but the cow when you can get the milk for free?" If marriage was so great for men, then shouldn't they see it as an opportunity and not as a cost? Well it seems being the princess in modern society means not only that you get to treat men shabbily before a relationship, but during the relationship as well. In short, there is a delay in marriage because men are not getting anything out of what is offered and women don't care enough to have it otherwise.
5. Divorce
There is mounting evidence that as men discover the terms of marriage and divorce today, they are engaging in a marriage boycott or marriage “strike”: refusing to marry or start families, knowing they can be criminalized if their wife walks out and how attractive the divorce industry has made it easy for her to do so. …. no matter how decent, hardworking, and caring you may be as a father, that in the event of separation, you will more than likely not get custody of your child, you will lose up to 80% of all of your assets, you will have to pay up to five times the cost of raising a child, and most importantly you could never see your child again.”
When it comes to the divorce and why there is a delay in marriage, well, "I rest my case, your honor."
COMMITMENT PHOBIC PART 2
-“I’d love to be in a loving relationship,but I’m not willing to give up my freedom. I have a great life. I love my work and my friends. I love to travel and take workshops and classes. I don’t want anyone telling me what I can or can’t do. I don’t want to deal with someone feeling hurt because I want to work rather than be with him. It’s just not worth all the hassle.”
-“When I’m not in a relationship, that’s all I can think about it. I really want someone to play with, to love and to grow with. But soon after getting into a relationship, I start to feel trapped. I feel like I can’t do what I want to do and I start to resent the person for limiting me. Most of the time, she has no idea what’s going on and is stunned by the break-up. She thought everything was fine. After leaving her, I’m back to square one – wanting to be in a relationship. This has happened over and over again.”
Commitment phobia has its roots in the belief that when we love someone, we are responsible for their feelings rather than for our own. Once we believe that we are responsible for another’s feelings of hurt or rejection as a result of our behavior, we believe we need to limit ourselves in order to not upset the other person. Then, instead of standing up for our own freedom and right to pursue that which brings us joy, we limit our freedom in an effort to have control over the other person’s feelings. This will always eventually lead to resentment.
- Every man I’ve been in a relationship with has wanted to spend more time with me than I have with him. Am I just picking the wrong man over and over?”
My reply to the last question...But you are not standing firm in your freedom from the beginning. You give a lot at the beginning because you enjoy being with him, but, as we’ve discussed, you also give yourself up a lot at the beginning. You make love when you don’t want to. You stay up later than you want to for fear of hurting him. Then, when you do start to tell the truth, he is surprised and hurt. Until you are willing to risk losing him from the beginning rather than lose yourself, you will continue to create relationships that limit your freedom. You end up believing that it is the relationship that limits you, but it is your own fears and beliefs that keep limiting you.”
Most nice guys...i realize have no idea on how to stand up for themself in a relationship. As soon as a woman wanted something from him, they gave it to her. He just could not bring himself to say no. Then, of course, he ended up feeling trapped.
fear of saying no to a woman came from two sources:
1) He believed he was responsible for her feelings, and that he was bad if he did anything that upset her.
2) He was afraid that if she felt hurt, she would get angry and reject him.
As a result of these two fears, most men continually gave themself up in relationships. However, giving himself up created such resentment toward his partner that he eventually didn’t want to be with her anymore and left the relationship.
In order to have both our personal freedom and be in a committed relationship, we need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings rather than the other person’s feelings, and we need to be willing to lose the other person rather than lose ourselves. Commitment phobia heals when you become strong enough to be true to yourself, even in the face of another’s anger, rejection, or loss. If you want to have a loving relationship, then you need to do the inner work necessary to develop a strong adult self who can be a powerful advocate for your personal
COMMITMENT PHOBIC VIII: WHY MOST WOMAN ARE AFRAID TO COMMIT
PART 3
1) A woman is afraid she’s not beautiful or sexy enough,as most do. You can chalk this one up to the media and the constant flow of magazines and TV and newspaper articles. She has been bombarded since day 1 about her looks and society is obsessed with airbrushed, flawless beauty. Women today feel profound pressure to possess the allure of a celebrity, the figure of a supermodel, and the latest clothes form fashion designers. The fear of not measuring up to societal standards — even though those standards are absurdly unrealistic — can breed intense insecurity, jealousy, and low self-esteem. Unfortunately it’s the culture we live in.
This fear even comes with several bothersome byproducts: a) Suspicions that her man is checking out every good-looking gal who walks by. b) He is going to leave her for someone more eye-catching, feeling threatened by other attractive women. c) The ever present dread of the aging process. More mirrors anyone?
2) She is concerned her new man is going to turn out just like her ex husband or boyfriend. This may not be fair, but it happens often enough: Women worry that history is going to repeat itself. Different guy, same results. In a perfect utopia, none of us would have to deal with the baggage left behind by previous partners. Unfortunately, the world, especially the dating world, is far from perfect and is a fantasy land unto itself. Thankfully, many women have the emotional intelligence to find healthy ways to deal with lingering hurts so that emotional baggage does not permanently drag down new relationships.
3) She will be afraid her new partner isn’t what he seems to be. One of the nice things about dating is that, especially in the early stages, we put our best foot forward, after all 1st impressions are tantamount to continuing the relationship. Thus, a common fear among women is this: “Everything seems fine now, but after the first blush of romance has faded, who will this person be then? Beyond the smooth and polished exterior, who is the guy deep down? Will the kind, considerate man of the early courtship stage turn self-absorbed and critical a year from now?” Will I still be his equal?
It’s true that many men are a lot like politicians, who make grand promises to get elected and then ignore them once in office. But most guys have no interest in playing the fake-and-phony game; they at least try to be genuine and upfront. Some of all this can be attributed to a small dose of perhaps paranoia.
4) She’s worried she’ll compromise and settle for the wrong guy. Hey,it happens both ways doesn’t it? It’s happened to her friends. It may have already happened to her. Rather than holding out for Mr. Right, she settled for Mr. Mediocre, or even Mr. Flat-out Wrong For You. No one, of course, sets out to compromise in this way, but it happens frequently. Why? Because there’s a large percentage of singles who have the attitude that says, “I just want to get married, and once I’ve got my spouse, then we’ll work things out.” If this attitude persists then the odds just swung against you. Feeling lonely, pressured, and worried they’ll never marry, many singles are so intent on getting to “I do” that they start lowering their standards.
5) Beware the “C” word as is commitment. She’s afraid her boyfriend will want to date forever. Women are afraid of men with a wandering eye and who are afraid of commitment. After all, men as a whole have a reputation of being commitment-phobic. But as with most stereotypes, it’s unfair and unwise to lump everyone together. Sure, there are plenty of guys who drag their feet and panic at the thought of being “tied down.” But there are many more guys who will happily and eagerly commit to the right woman. In fact, USA Today recently featured a nationwide survey that included 12,000 men and women ages 15-44 and asked the question, “Is it better to get married than go through life single?” The results: 66 percent of men agreed compared with 51 percent of women. What’s more, 76 percent of men and 72 percent of women agreed “it is more important for a man to spend a lot of time with his family than be successful at his career.”
Previous unsuccessful relationships
Has your partner been badly hurt in the past? If so, you will need to be patient. Let him or her know how much you care; slowly they will begin to trust you and realize that you are a completely different person to their ex-partner.
Fear of boredom
Are you or your partner addicted to the rush and excitement of a new relationship? Yes, the first stages of a relationship are always exciting….but as you settle into a routine, one or both of you might start to become restless, and look elsewhere to get that excitement again. Unfortunately, this superficial excitement will always wear off, leaving you hungry for the next fix.
So be careful; falling into this trap is a recipe for a shallow and lonely existence. Instead, how about taking steps to keep the relationship exciting for both of you? Try new things together and make sure you keep your independence too; this means spending a healthy amount of time apart, doing things with other people.
There might be someone better out there
Some people are always on the lookout for something better than what they already have. If you think your partner is doing this, then do yourself a favour and leave the relationship; you deserve better.
Only after the thrill of the chase
In a similar vain to the new relationship addict, some people are only interested in the unattainable; they come on strong at the start, saying and doing all the right things and being extremely attentive. Then once you reciprocate the interest, they don’t want to know any more.
Do you know someone like this? The signs are usually pretty clear…they are all over you one minute, then cool and distant the next. If you’re dating someone who does this, move right along! Don’t waste your time with game-players. Make yourself available for a partner who has integrity and who shows you the respect you deserve
So How Can We Avoid It?
If you’re not sure how to deal with commitment phobia, then I hope this guide has made things a little clearer. One of the most destructive side effects of being involved with a commitment phobic is a loss of self-esteem. You might even blame yourself for your partner’s failure to commit. Rejection hurts; and when you are on the receiving end of rejection, it can be hard not to turn on yourself.
The best way to avoid having to deal with commitment phobia is to be clear about what your needs and expectations are right from the beginning; don't avoid talking about serious subjects just because you don't want to “rock the boat”. If you don't both want the same things, it is better to know from the beginning.
COMMITMENT PHOBIC:
PART 4
Everything we experience originates from a desire, belief or thought – from within. Therefore, if what you are wanting is a commitment, examine what “commitment” means to you. What is it that you believe a commitment from him will give you that you want but don’t already have?
You may discover that you already have more of what you want than you previously thought – or you may discover that you have less than you thought you were settling for. You may even discover that what commitment means to you has nothing to do with him but everything to do with you.
If having a commitment means – “I want to feel secure in my relationship. I want to know that he’ll always be there. I want to start planning for the future, and children and a family. I want to share more of my life. I want to divide and share responsibilities so that life is easier. I want a home and more money and…” Whatever your reasons for wanting a commitment, acknowledge even those reasons that you might feel a bit ashamed of – but in fact are driving forces in wanting him to commit long term.
For example, many women want a commitment from a man to have “someone to take care of” them and that’s perfectly normal and okay, -as that is how society has brought us up to believe it should be. However, if a person feels the NEED for more money or a better home and that’s what is driving them to want more, then they may not be in harmony with their mate’s ultimate desires and therefore may end up pushing them away altogether.
If you uncover desires that may be in conflict, search for ways to manifest the feeling of having this desire fulfilled in your life in other ways. For example, if you want security – find ways to feel more secure yourself. Ask yourself, what can I do myself to feel the security I desire for my life, my future and my relationship and then set out to create that feeling. That may mean attending self-esteem seminars, reading a self-improvement book, hiring an accountant, an investment broker, or a coach. It may simply mean seeing a movie by yourself or buying yourself that perfume you’ve been wanting.
The point is to create your life so that YOU are responsible for meeting your needs and all a relationship has to do is put the icing on the cake. Now, after identifying exactly what you want that you don’t already have, continue to focus and desire those things in your life but let go of the attachment to who must bring them to you.
This is an important point, the attachment to having to have your “commitment” come from this one person will put a strain not only on your current relationship but also on the manifestation of your overall desires. So let go of the attachment to “the who and the how” but continue to dream about what you want.
If you rev up your desire to a point that is too much for your mate to handle – he’ll step away – and you’ll want to honor that as being for the best given the fact that you want more. If you stay focused on what you WANT – (specifically on what you WANT – not the fears surrounding what you DON’T WANT) then another more perfectly matched mate will easily come into your life and will be in greater harmony with what you want because they too will want it.
In James Redfield’s, Best Seller, The Celestine Prophecy, insight eight is the interpersonal ethic and says, “we can increase the frequency of guiding coincidences by uplifting every person that comes into our lives.”
Care must be taken not to lose our inner connections in romantic relationships. By seeing the beauty in every face, we lift others into their wisest self, and increase the chances of hearing a synchronistic message.” My last bit of advice is to completely honor your relationship for all the positive attributes you’ve already identified. If you truly love him, continue to love, cherish and nurture this present person in your life as a perfect child of God and therefore worthy of all that he desires too. Uplift him by letting him know that you want him to have all that he desires in a relationship just as you want to have all that you desire – whether that means together or with someone else. Whatever the case, practice being appreciative of the time you have together right now. Do your best to live in the moment, maintain your connection to source and your desires and show him unconditional acceptance without letting go of what you want.
By giving him your unconditional acceptance you will inspire action from him that will be in alignment with the commitment you want – either he’ll “come around” or he’ll set you free to attract the one who will already “be around.”
COMMITMENT PHOBIC
PART 5: WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF
Commitment phobia is the fear of commitment, especially in a marriage or a long-term relationship. For a long time, it was believed that only men had this fear. In the recent years, however, the population of women who actively choose to be single are increasing rapidly. A classic example of a commitment phobe is Maggie Carpenter in the 1999 romantic comedy film “Runaway Bride” (starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere). After leaving three grooms-to-be waiting at the altar, she makes yet another attempt to get married—this time with Bob, a high school football coach. The marriage didn’t take place, after Ike kissed Maggie at the wedding rehearsal. Soon after, Ike and Maggie decide to marry, since the wedding plans are all set.
But, Maggie gets cold feet on the wedding day, and left Ike, like all her previous grooms-to-be, standing at the altar. Commitment phobia is not just a movie plot. It is a real problem that a lot of women are dealing with nowadays. Commitment phobes are capable of cultivating natural relationships and actually want to be committed. They have high, unusually unrealistic expectations at the initial stage of each relationship. The feeling doesn’t last that long, though. Pretty soon the thought of being in a long-term commitment makes them feel trapped and suffocated. They are then overpowered by fear, and they do everything in their power to get out of the relationship.
All over the world, the population of single women are skyrocketing—and we simply have to ask: why? Why are women becoming terrified of commitment? The causes of commitment phobia can sometimes be traced back to a loss or trauma of some kind such as a nasty divorce or death of a parent, poor role models or the child has witnessed / has been a victim of abuse. Some women have purely professional reasons. Women today are more empowered and have more choices than in the past. A brilliant career often demands a lot of their time and is prized greatly than a relationship or marriage. But, a lot of them fear commitment because of very obvious reasons: they have been cheated on, used and manipulated, and left to fend off on their own because their men bailed out on them. Getting her heart torn into shreds if she commits could happen again. So how do you know if your Maggie is a commitment phobe or not? Spot the signs and save yourself needless pain: Take a look at her history of relationships. How many times did she get married? Did she have a string of unavailable partners before you? If she did, then your relationship is probably not for the long haul. You can always convince yourself that she will eventually change, once she knows how terrific a partner you can be. Ask her what she wants—a commitment phobe will either give you a vague description of what she’s looking for or admit straight up that she is indeed one. Have you met her family or friends? Has she ever made plans for your future together? Are you dating exclusively? If not, then she just might be scared to commit or maybe not looking for an exclusive relationship just yet. What's so exciting about her? Sometimes your own ambivalence in relationships makes the commitment phobic woman attractive. It could be that your own fears could possibly draw you to the un-availableness of the person. A commitment phobic woman doesn’t have to be in a church, filled with attendants and a groom waiting at the end of the aisle, to have cold feet. Being in a relationship with a Maggie is hard, but there is always a chance that she could exorcise her fears. Seeking professional help or counseling may help her understand the roots of her fear and how to conquer them.
Commitment phobia among singles can occur for several reasons. However, most commitment phobic men and women truly yearn for a deep and intimate relationship leading toward marriage, but fright causes them to butcher every dating opportunity they may get. This is a sad catch-22 situation.
Afterwards, these singles loathe themselves for acting so stupidly. Previous abusive relationships, intimacy issues or traumatic childhood experiences could be causes for this kind of commitment avoidance. Unfortunately, it is not just the person with commitment phobia who suffers. Many times singles looking for love get hooked in by the charm and manipulation of commitment phobic singles, who may or may not know what pain they are about to unload on the unsuspecting person.
The pain cycle of someone who gets stuck on a person with committment phobia:
* The Allurement-This is the place where manipulation and romance occurs.
* The Abandonment-Just as the single who is not afraid of commitment thinks the “relationship” is going somewhere, the commitment phobe inexplicably withdraws from the friendship. Needless to say, this leaves the other single devestatingly heartbroken, confused and feeling rejected. Can we get a few amens out there from some people who have suffered through this?
COMMITMENT PHOBIC
PART 6 HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE THE ONE
Looking for love? According to relationship guru John Gray, whose new book is ”Why Mars and Venus Collide,” you may have already found it. And walked away from it, with your eyes wide shut. ”Like most things in life, finding love is a matter of many variables, all coming together at once to create the perfect storm. If you hold firm to some wish list that has too many limitations or too many qualifiers, soon you’ll have missed your window of opportunity.”
Gray’s advice is to set your sights on what you really want out of the relationship — as opposed to setting the bar so high that no one can meet it. “Those of us who have found our soul mates first figured out the few traits that mattered most to us, and worked around those traits that weren’t deal breakers. For instance, how handsome a guy looks to you may be more important than financial security. Or maybe you can live with a mate who has no sense of humor, but he or she can be counted on when the chips are down. Enjoying a mature relationship means making some compromises.”
Needless to say, a man doesn’t have to be married to be unattainable. Explains Gray: “Women who choose men who are, or have been, consistently ambivalent in their previous relationships, aren’t doing it for the challenge. Lust, or passion, is more than likely the reason. And she’ll put up with it because she doesn’t believe she deserves to be in a successful, fulfilling relationship. But until she does, she will always be attracted to the wrong guys, for the wrong reasons.”
And if and when they do go out on a date, they are nitpicky, and don’t give their dates a chance. These are all signs that they are still processing the divorce, that they feel things are moving to quick, and they just aren’t yet ready to start dating again. They may be sitting across from the most wonderful person in the world, but it’s also true that timing is everything.”
Gray agrees. "There is always a source for the ambivalence. If you want to move beyond it, first you've got to address it. Then you can assess your true needs in a lover, a partner, a soul mate. And you'll find that someone who is fully deserving of your love."
SIX SIGNS OF RELATIONSHIP SABOTAGE
You're sabotaging your chances at love if you . . .
1. Have too many do's and don'ts on your list.
"If you're serious about a relationship, you have to be flexible," explains Gray. "No one is all good, or all bad. Nothing is all black, or all white. There are gradients in every issue, every personality."
2. Look for excuses to drop out of the relationship.
"If you look hard enough there will always be something," warns Gray.
3. Always need a second opinion as to whether it's working.
Says Gray: "The opinion that counts the most is yours. Trust your gut."
4. Flirt in front of your partner.
"If you respect the relationship, you should want to honor it at all times -- particularly in public," says Gray.
5. Would rather be somewhere else.
Couples in love enjoy their time together. It's where they want to be, first and foremost.
6. Avoid intimacy: either physical or emotional.
"A satisfying relationship needs both. And truly, you can't have one without the other," says Gray.
Two months after Jenny and Sam started living together; Jenny decided to take up Japanese and tennis. She was harried – what with Tuesday and Thursday nights at the language school, Wednesday and Friday nights at the courts – but she was happy.
Sam was not. “I never see you,” he said.
“But these are things I really want to do,” she said defensively.
He said yeah, but did she have to do them both a once? He presented her with this fact, calculator in hand: In two months, they had spent precisely nine evenings together. “Nine,” he said, “out of sixty-two.” He then said, “I want you home more.”
At this, Jenny went a little crazy. “I need some space,” she heard herself saying. “I’m not going to stay home all the time just because somebody wants to tie me down.”
When men call women on pulling back, they do not believe them. They deny it. They are projecting, women say. They just want their dinner cooked. They are just some male control problems.
But the big pull back, it turns out, is not limited to the other gender. Even though you crave love and closeness, you have an unconscious that fears commitment. It races toward love, then hides from it.
When your unconscious is expressed directly, like Jenny’s, you might suddenly find yourself very, very busy. Sometimes it is trickier: You are not busy, you are sick. “For three nights in a row after we got engaged, I threw up,” Liz, a friend of Jenny, admits. Another woman got a huge migraine headache after “a theoretical discussion of monogamy” with her boyfriend.
Or, your brain plays odd tricks: Days after she told her lover she would marry him, Kelly mysteriously lost all feeling for the man. She did not hate him; she did not even dislike him. She just felt numb. Her emotional wall was as effective a distancing mechanism as Jenny’s tennis and Japanese lessons.
Some people pull back by pushing. “If you can see me only on weekends, I think we should forget it,” Rose told Jim after a particularly nice Saturday and Sunday together – knowing he was happy with their still-new weekends-only dating ritual. “I was happy with it, too,” she said gloomily after their breakup. “But I was scared, and I needed to do something dramatic to push him away.”
It can get very complicated. The key to recognizing the big pullback is, first, to acknowledge the existence of ambivalence – the very word means a simultaneous push and pull – and to learn how that contradiction makes you feel. Then, once you know your ambivalence “style,” you can do something about it. Some women say the acknowledgement itself erases some symptoms, like migraines and numbness. But some women change their ways. Jenny stopped the Japanese lessons. Sam kept talking about her “commitment phobia.”
“Okay, okay! Enough!” she said. “I’ll stop! No more Japanese lessons! Sayonara!” That opened up Tuesday and Thursdays. To see Jenny on Wednesdays and Fridays, however, Sam will have to learn tennis.
So, if you are like Jenny, it is time to face your commitment phobia or else, you will be missing the opportunity to be happy with someone you really love.
PART 7:
THE FEAR OF COMMIMTMENT
One reason you are attracted to your partner is that your partner had strenghts and abilities that you lacked. Therefore, being with your partner gives you a illusory sense of wholeness. In a unconscious level so many people believe that the way to a good relationship is to pick the right partner. The truth is good relationship requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to grow and change...marriage is hard work. You begin to realize you have to be the right person.
We don't want to accept responsibility for getting our needs met...we want to fall in love with a superhuman mate and live happily ever after. What most people resist is the idea that creating a lasting relationship takes time and energy..even though they might be responsible and energetic at work...so any woman have this childlike notion that all they had to do establish intimacy is to bump up against the right person....this passive attitude is the reason why most woman can't find the ideal person. Hello....WHAT YOU WANT DOES NOT EXIST. And it's not about settling, it about growing up. They are so caught up in concepts and ideas....not feelings. They hid their vulnerability behind their formidable intellect, which prevent any genuine intimacy.
What I found out is that so many woman are slow to comprehend that in order to be loved, you must be a lover..and I don't mean in sentimental things although that is needed. What is really standing in the way is their fear of change. Wanting to believe that relationship should be easy and natural. It's human nature to want life without effort. When I tell woman that they must surrender their walls, their heart, their body they get angry. There is a part of them that would rather continue the life they have now...which is safe. When I tell them that I expect commitment from day one...the majority runaway. The reason why commitment scares them is that an agreement to commitment closes an important escape hatch,,,triggering fear of absorption. It deprives them of pleasure....they minimized their degree of unhappiness by distracting themselves with outside activities. To make up for the emptiness of their life....they fill their life with substitute pleasures....like their career, active social life....all to reduce their feeling of despair, but what it really does is drain vital energy to really being in a relationship.
PART 8:
COMMITMENT PHOBIC: THE ETERNAL BACHLORETTE IS WAITING (CAN'T COMMIT)
The eternal bachlorette feels that her dream man may be right around the corner, and she wants the freedom to pursue the opportunity, should it arise. She want to have one foot out the door at all times. She doesn’t want the finanical burden of a husband and wife. She’s been badly hurt from past relationship and would rather play it safe by not fully committing herself. She loves the excitement of romance, seduction, and courtship but doesn’t want the day-to-day routine of married life, which she concerned could be boring. She’s able to tolerate the continunity of a relationship up to a point. Other want to devote her time and money to learn about herself, hobbies, traveling, and broadening her horizons. And then there are other who want to commit all their energy to their career. Even though the eternal bachelorrette doesn’t want to get married subconsciously, deep down she still wants what every human being longs and craves for—intimacy, so she make a love comprise with her life. She gets herself into romantic situations where she gets her emotional and sexual intimacy needs met. However she only get involved in relationships with men when she knows it won’t work out. For this reason, she get involved with men who are unavailable. I have seen with my friends and myself woman who would rather give up a man they love than sacrfiice the present lifestyle they enjoy or deal with their own intimacy issues and have to change.
I don’t want to invest any more time with a woman who doesn’t want to marry me and I need to put my time and energy into looking for someone else who wants the same things in life as I do. So the question is…why do I keep faling for woman who don’t want to commit:
1-I am afraid of being alone. This fear has cause me to stay with my ex no matter how hopless the relationship was. I rather be with a woman who hurt me than face being alone. Spending time with yourself and waiting to meet the woman who is capable of a healthy relationship wasn’t an option till recently. Whoever was there for the moment to fill up the empty void will do.
2-I focued on the woman appearance. I know she ‘s not good relationship material, but I get enthralled with her disarming charm and seductive power and forget to check out her character. Woman talk about how men can objectify women, but woman can also objectify men by just having mental blueprint of how men must look before they even consider dating them. Woman limit themselves from finding potential mates by focusing only on their package.
3-Splitting woman into sexy and exciting versus conservative and boring. I have a hard time seeing that some woman can have a mixture of qualities and are not necessarily one or the other. I immediately get rid of woman who may have the potential to have a solid healthy relationship because they are not sexual enough…but I have to tell you…I know so many men who cheat…and I don’t want to end up like them.
I have fallen for the non-commital woman in the past because I was focused on short-term gratification. I was having a hard time tolerating the frustation, patience, and loneliness I must endure while waiting to met a woman who is available and capable of a long term relationship. …but yet I know woman who get into relationship with non-commital men because they rationalize to themselves that “it just a fling”, or I work hard all day so I deserve to have this fun even if there’s no future. She doesn’t mind risking the time she’s spending with him even though the odds of building a long-term relationship look terrible.
Making marriage a major priority will make the immediate gratification of being with someone with great chemistry but who can’t commit, fall to the wayside. Changing your priorities can also change who you want to get involved with. This is why I don't date anymore and will met only for a relationship from day one. I want to get married within a year. This is why I don't believe in chemisty anymore as well.
I can talk for hours about non-commital woman…but it comes down to not feeling entitled to a thoughtful, loving, consistent behavior man. Do most woman want a man who want to see them on the weekend? Who want to marry them after they’ve dated for around one year? Who is consistent and won’t abandon you? Woman who are in happy, satisfying relationship and marriage often tend to feel that they are entitled to the love and relationship they are receiving---that they wouldn’t settle for anything less
PART 9:
COMMITMENT PHOBIC : MOST WOMAN HAVE THIS SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT TO THE "PERFECT MAN"
Emotionally healthy woman don’t fuel chemisty that goes nowhere. I was watcing Taxis cab confession and there was this gay guy who said, “The quickest way to get rid of me…is to tell me you have feeling for me”. And the reason why he said that is that everyone one who ever loved him…just abandon him. I have noticed loving someone to most woman brings up feeling of betrayal and pain. They feel more confortable and less anxious keeping a firm boundary, almost like a fortress. However, being only human, she craves intimacy despite her fears. So she handles the simultaneous anxiety and longing for closeness by manipulating the man into experiencing her feeling. This process is known as projection. Difficulty struggling with their conflict about their sexual longing because it trigger traumatizing memories. They have the capacity to attach but can’t sustain a relationship.
On thing I notice from my dating experience is that most woman have this feeling of entitled to “perfect man”. Despite their longing for love and relationship, most woman are committed to being with the kind of man she feels entitled to. She rather remains single than be with a man who doesn’t meet her expections. The ironic and maddening part is, she’s unable to see her own shortcoming. Even if she is broke, or unattractive, if a man doesn’t measure up to her ideal, she will not want to have a relationship with her. I remember meeting this teacher who didn’t want anything to do with me…because I didn’t met her phyiscal expectation…yet she was no model, and wasn’t that smart. They have completely unrealistic expectation of the man they’d like to have as a boyfriend. And when they do meet someone who meet their expectations, most woman will eventually find something wrong with him. In other words, she always ends up devaluing the man no matter how great she originally though he was and how close he was to her ideal. Lke I said.most woman are superfical and aren’t capable of loving on a mature level. They can’t accept another human being for who he has flaws and all, which is necessary in order to have a long-term relationship or marriage. When she meets a man on a blind date, she’s often disappointed because he’s not who she fantasizing he’d be. Her level of attractiveness is irrelevant, only her expectations matter to her.
PART 10- BEING A PERFECTIONISTIC AND BEING COMMITMENT PHOBIC
Whoever your true love turns out to be, you will be asked continually to let go of how you thought that person would be. We may think we can define or even divine our perfect mate, but the universe have another version in store. The person who actually show up to love you reveals the limitation of your thinking and whimsy of the universe as it selects a partner for you in the great dating service in the sky. Your preconceptions stand in your way if you don't bring them to light and have the courage to surrender them. Do any of these sound like you?
-He isn't tall enough
-He isn't rich enough
-He isn't attractive enough
These are relationship-killers darts and you are not open to the possibilities of the relationship that may be coming toward you.
This perfectionistic ideal has beeb reinforced by movies, television, and adverting...all of which encourage us to believe that perfection is possible and that we should get every one of our whims satisfied. Compared to the bronzed Gods and buffed beauties we see on-screen...a regular garden-variety person, who's got warts and flaws but who might be comfortable and comforting in an everyday sort of way, often looks painfully less than acceptable.
I know a woman who broke up with a kind, generous man because he chewed with is mouth open...or didn't open the door for her. Possible true loves have bitten the dust over bigger and lesser perfectionism than these things. And i would tell her..that no matter how reasonable or unreasonable the content of your particular perfectionism may be, if you really do want to fall in love, you'd better be willing to sent out your perfectionistic head trip to the guillotine.
There is this other woman who for each person who come along...she found a reason why he wasn't right for her. He was too short, he didn't have enough money, he didn't dress right, his teeth was crooked. Without her acknowledging it, she allowed in only the kind of relationship---brief, catchy, emotionally shallow---that her life could actually accommodate. She really didn't want a full-time relationship at that point in her life...she didn't have time. Her pickiness was her way to remaining single. Perfectionism is so perfectionistic that it;s perfectly invincible. We all have private, little preferences...but we need to be careful that these don't become manifestations of perfectionism gone wild.
Remember that all your picky, little preferences really don't have anything to do with what love is actually about. The minute real love steps through your door--love that opens your heart, touches your soul, and actually alters your consciousness--you will experience a quality of love so far beyond all your perfectionistic principles that they'll all go out the window in the twinklilng of an eye.
PART 11- COMMITMENT: COMMITING TO LOVE
I see so many people who are so committed to their job, but not to love. Compare the drastic, extreme measures that you were willing to go to ensure your job to what little you have done to create more love in your life. If we made a commitment to develop our ability to love and be loved with the same level of focus and devotion that many of us give to our careers, most of would be in love right now.
So many of us are just waiting for someone to recuse us from our sorrow by bringing love to us, as thought love were to be found only outside ourselves. When it looks like the person is not coming, we delve into depression, believing that our lives are void of love. The universe is somehow withholding from us. We become frustated and angry. How awful it is to be at the ramdom mercy of fate that smiles upon some with the light of love yet frowns upon others by its absence. However, the truth is that only thing missing in our lives is the thing that we ourselves are not giving.
The force of love are always available for us to dance with and cultivate. It's jsut that we're so concerned with the form that love takes. We're trying to get love to look a certain way. When we do not get exactly what we want, we often withhold our love from the world in response. Like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum, we refuse to do it any other way,...."If I can't have love this way, then I won't have love at all" . But love itself is not interested in form. It is interested only in you expanding beyond yourself and your expectation to include whoever and whatever is in your life right now. If that one special person has not yet appeared, the best one can do to prepare for their arrival it to keep the channels of love itself wide open. Since like attract like, it one wants to attract more love, then one needs to foster and nuture the opportunities for love that are present now.
It's inauthenic to say that you want to be in a loving relationship if you have no interest in growing your capacity to love in general. Your ability to create a loving union is directly related to the amoutn of love you are able to surrender yourself to in any given moment. When we are willing to surrender ourselve to qualities of love--compassion, forgiveness, and kindness...we discover that we are never left void. It's foolish to ask God for a great love without being willing to become a great lover. Just as it would be foolish to say that we wanted to become a doctor without being willing to go to medical school. Buddha said...You can look the whole over and never find anyone more deserving of love than yourself.
So many of us are just waiting for someone to recuse us from our sorrow by bringing love to us, as thought love were to be found only outside ourselves. When it looks like the person is not coming, we delve into depression, believing that our lives are void of love. The universe is somehow withholding from us. We become frustated and angry. How awful it is to be at the ramdom mercy of fate that smiles upon some with the light of love yet frowns upon others by its absence. However, the truth is that only thing missing in our lives is the thing that we ourselves are not giving.
The force of love are always available for us to dance with and cultivate. It's jsut that we're so concerned with the form that love takes. We're trying to get love to look a certain way. When we do not get exactly what we want, we often withhold our love from the world in response. Like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum, we refuse to do it any other way,...."If I can't have love this way, then I won't have love at all" . But love itself is not interested in form. It is interested only in you expanding beyond yourself and your expectation to include whoever and whatever is in your life right now. If that one special person has not yet appeared, the best one can do to prepare for their arrival it to keep the channels of love itself wide open. Since like attract like, it one wants to attract more love, then one needs to foster and nuture the opportunities for love that are present now.
It's inauthenic to say that you want to be in a loving relationship if you have no interest in growing your capacity to love in general. Your ability to create a loving union is directly related to the amoutn of love you are able to surrender yourself to in any given moment. When we are willing to surrender ourselve to qualities of love--compassion, forgiveness, and kindness...we discover that we are never left void. It's foolish to ask God for a great love without being willing to become a great lover. Just as it would be foolish to say that we wanted to become a doctor without being willing to go to medical school. Buddha said...You can look the whole over and never find anyone more deserving of love than yourself.
I remember last Christmas after me and Maria exchanged gift. I told her that I want to take the relationship to the next level within the next six months. I felt I was ready to commit to one person, and I was hoping that person would be her. Maria paused for a long while before confessing that with her issues of my parent (they were divorse) she wanted to continue dating for another two years with me. Looking back now, even though I was hurt and rejected I had a breakthrough. That was the first time I've ever been willing to commit myself to anyone. I was disappointed that Maria wanted to wait, but I was so damned proud of myself for telling Maria my intentions.
Most people are almost paralyzing fear of making commitments. Commitment is boeh entice and terrify us. We inherently know that in order to create deeper meaning in our leves, we must risk surrendering to someone or something beyond ourselves. You key way you can determine that you are commitment phobic is that you find yourself with people who are unavailable emotionally and physically. Another key is that commitment phobic won't take side on anything. They flip-flop. And we know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run down. They don't know where they are standing in life, and are tossed to and fro and every which way according to the current tides. They are completely engaged in whatever emotions they happen to be feeing at at that moment, and any infringement on they ability to explore and express that emotions fully would distrub them deeply.
While we may look for a person who shares our hobbies, is sexually attractive, makes us laugh, and helps us to feel good, these things are not the substance of love. All of our criteria for finding someone--the person has to look this way, have that kind of job, dress like this, have this money...are all things that will disappear with time. None of them will last. All that will last is the love that was given and the love received.
Most of us resist making commitment because we fear that we might be overcome by the vastness of the promises we make, as though we might disappear and lose ourselves completely. Rather than respond to this fear by developing a healthy ability to establish limits and set boundaries, we settle for the drama and distractions inhernert in a commitment-free life. The very thought of surrendering ourselves to this extraordinary experience is enough to make us bolt. In vying to keep our opitions open , we land nowhere and belong to no one.
Without commitments, we stand isolated and alone in life. Our entire sense of interconnectedness and belonging is directly related to our willingness to commt to one another. We can't say, "I'm just going to withhold all teh love i have to give, until that one specfic person that I deem worthy comes along, and think that life will feel as thought it's worth living. That kind of stinginess dries up the soul and is an agony for the heart.
Many of us want proof that something is going to work out the way we want it to before we make a commitment on it. We want to know that it's a sure bet, a good and solid place to invest our energies. While this is understandable, there is a certain synchronicity that reserves itself for when one makes a wholehearted investment of oneself that simply cannot be foreseen.
I remember the turning point of me and Melissa. I was in the city and as i stood at the corner waiting for the light to change, I was having a silent dialogue with myself. I was trying to figure out what was missing in my attempt to stop hurting myself with it came to Melissa. Tears began rolling down my cheeks as i realized that no on has ever fought for me in teh way that I was being called to fight for myself. No one had ever gone to the wall to ensure my safety and well-being. no one had ever rised to heroic heights in order to make sure that I had a chance to thrive in life. in that moment, I made a commitment to take a stand for my life against Melissa. I would go to the wall for me. I would be my own heroine. And the light turn green. Time and time again, first in my own life andthen in the lives of others...that everything of substance you will ever have to offer to anyone else in this lifetime begins with commitment that you make to yourself and then to other.
Most people are almost paralyzing fear of making commitments. Commitment is boeh entice and terrify us. We inherently know that in order to create deeper meaning in our leves, we must risk surrendering to someone or something beyond ourselves. You key way you can determine that you are commitment phobic is that you find yourself with people who are unavailable emotionally and physically. Another key is that commitment phobic won't take side on anything. They flip-flop. And we know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run down. They don't know where they are standing in life, and are tossed to and fro and every which way according to the current tides. They are completely engaged in whatever emotions they happen to be feeing at at that moment, and any infringement on they ability to explore and express that emotions fully would distrub them deeply.
While we may look for a person who shares our hobbies, is sexually attractive, makes us laugh, and helps us to feel good, these things are not the substance of love. All of our criteria for finding someone--the person has to look this way, have that kind of job, dress like this, have this money...are all things that will disappear with time. None of them will last. All that will last is the love that was given and the love received.
Most of us resist making commitment because we fear that we might be overcome by the vastness of the promises we make, as though we might disappear and lose ourselves completely. Rather than respond to this fear by developing a healthy ability to establish limits and set boundaries, we settle for the drama and distractions inhernert in a commitment-free life. The very thought of surrendering ourselves to this extraordinary experience is enough to make us bolt. In vying to keep our opitions open , we land nowhere and belong to no one.
Without commitments, we stand isolated and alone in life. Our entire sense of interconnectedness and belonging is directly related to our willingness to commt to one another. We can't say, "I'm just going to withhold all teh love i have to give, until that one specfic person that I deem worthy comes along, and think that life will feel as thought it's worth living. That kind of stinginess dries up the soul and is an agony for the heart.
Many of us want proof that something is going to work out the way we want it to before we make a commitment on it. We want to know that it's a sure bet, a good and solid place to invest our energies. While this is understandable, there is a certain synchronicity that reserves itself for when one makes a wholehearted investment of oneself that simply cannot be foreseen.
I remember the turning point of me and Melissa. I was in the city and as i stood at the corner waiting for the light to change, I was having a silent dialogue with myself. I was trying to figure out what was missing in my attempt to stop hurting myself with it came to Melissa. Tears began rolling down my cheeks as i realized that no on has ever fought for me in teh way that I was being called to fight for myself. No one had ever gone to the wall to ensure my safety and well-being. no one had ever rised to heroic heights in order to make sure that I had a chance to thrive in life. in that moment, I made a commitment to take a stand for my life against Melissa. I would go to the wall for me. I would be my own heroine. And the light turn green. Time and time again, first in my own life andthen in the lives of others...that everything of substance you will ever have to offer to anyone else in this lifetime begins with commitment that you make to yourself and then to other.
PART 13: COMMITMENT: YOU MIGHT BE COMMITPHOBIC AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT ( IT ALL ABOUT OUR FEAR OF BEING VULNERABLE)
It so hard to find the balance of your personal need and that of your partner. I hate wasting time with relationships that don't go anywhere. And i question why i keep making such bad choices. Sometimes...I think i am just too nice to tell people to just go away..that is what someone told me recently.. But the answer to these question always start with the one who pose these question...which is me.
It's hard to grapple with taking responsibility for how we choose, how we behave, and how we let people in our lives. The crucial battles we wage are always most profoundly the ones we fight within. Changing ourselves is the precursor to being ready for love. I have realize that alot of people can be single and yet unavailable...and they can't see it.Most believe that their past relationship was just a whole lot of bad luck and series of unfortunate choices that kept them out of satisfying relationship. It took the emptiness of my four year relationship with Melissa for me to look at what was really going on in my life. And yet...i still attractive Maria....who was unavailabe as well....but I got better this time. I would tell her that I felt..."we were friend who were fucking". And the moment she told me she wanted to date another two years...i was out. It's important to know when the universe gives you a gift, even when it doesn't look much like a gift.
I always thought I was ready, willing, and just waiting to meet the right woman. No matter how may Cinderella turned out to be witches...I always assumed that it was my bad luck and poor radar that kept me from finding happiness in a relationship....The truth is I was purposely, albeit subconsciously, choosing unavailable woman, that I was the unavailable one. I dated many different typs of woman. Bright woman, creative woman. and sexual woman. All of them...no matter how bright, or wonderful, or sexual...all of them were unavailable in one way or another. One relationship after another, after another, after another. I reviewed my entire dating life.....they were all so different type of woman...I really never had a type. If i had picked the same wrong woman over and over like ...all married woman, I might have figured it out sooner....but then the light went on my head. One thing they all had in common was.....ME. If i were truly open to love, would I picking emotionally and physically unavailable partners? NO. Just being single and dating doesn't mean you're available to love. You can be single and unavailable. It wasn't about them...it was all about ME. If I was the problem, then I could work on that. I am not going to get involve with someone who lives in a different state, or who is workaholic.
Let's not forget...like i said before. self-esteem and water raise in the same level. Just as you are picking your partner to avoid a real relationship with a available person...that person picked you because they are unable to have a real complete relationship as well. The only person you're going to attract is a mirror of you.We cheat ourselves as much as we cheat on another. By picking your partner ...you are fulfilling a subconscious desire not to be in a loving relationship. The heart is always a key player in love, but the heart that beats inside you is the same heart you had as a child and it may carry scars that make it difficult to know exactly what's going on. Which heart is responding to the woman flirting with me? We wouldn't intentinally jump a bridge and hurt ourselves, yet we put ourselves in situations that are every bit dangerious and damaging to our emotional existence.
Many tears were shed while I tried to figure out why someone else's needs seemed to have so much more value than my own. And then the painful realization that it was my involvement in other people's needs, the endless hours and emotional drains, that was keeping me from my own life, my own needs, my own happiness. Of course you should continue to be kind to others, but be kind to yourself too. You'll have a lot of more to give if you fill up your well. I try to remember now that I deserve the same love, same caring, the same nurturing that I am trying to give someone else.
No matter how attracted you feel, no matter how good you think the sex would be...it's not real. No matter how much you tell yourself that it's worth ...what you are doing, what you are really doing is keeping yourself unavailable by participating in a unavailable relationship. We often mistake great sex for love, but try to remember that great sex is just that...great sex. It has no bearing on whether your partner is emotionally available. Granted it can feel like an emotional connection...it did with Melissa and me....but feelings.....are not FACTS. As easy s it is to get lost in the fog between feelings and facts, it is a good idea to give some consideration to what is real and what isn't.
We all seek some passion, laugter, and sex in our lives. We feel these needs can be supplied by someone else. It feels like we deserve a little escape....and of course it become an escape. But then Monday comes around and you'll return to the same life you have before. It is great to have these escape with someone until the moment you or your partner PUTS DEMANDS on each other. In other words, you are happy in a relationship until it becomes a relationship. What most people do is called dating. When I demands more commitment from Melissa, from Maria...they got uncomfortable. I wanted to be in a relationship and most people love to date.
There is reason...behind the choices we make:
- we don't really feel we deserve an available person.
-the real core behind all our unavailable choices and behavior,,including mine...is that none of us want to be vulnerable. None of us believe it's truly safe. And so we choose unsafe people to justify our fears, and hide behind the relationship that will never offer us the safety we need to become vulnerable. It's not a life, it's a facsimile of one. When you give your heart to someone...it mean that you are making yourself vulnerable....but vulnerable is the soul of love.
People tell you, in a variety of way they are not available for a real relationship. But instead of getting the message, you choose to ignore it.Listen with your mind and heart, not just your hormones. If this person is wrong for you, discover it sooner rather than later, then move ont osomeone available. Some people just plain lie at you. I tell everyone that I jump into relationship and alot of people who respond to me....have no desire to jump right into a committed relationship. They are available for dinner or to go out, but unavailable for a relationship. Some people think they are so special and will break me down. That they are somehow clever enough, nice enough, sexual enough ot whatever enough to change me from the person I am. If a dog has bitten everyone in the neighborhood, what makes you think it will not bit you? Then there are other who I tell them I am not interested ...keep come back. Those people love a challenge. Their self-esteem lies in winning, controlling, or getting the ungettable...and after they win and its over, they were right back where they started...looking for another challenge. When someone tells me they are not interested...i just leave them alone.The resitant person hold a certain fascination with them.
If someone is telling you that they are not available for a relationship then you should just walk away. You might spend years trying to change that person ideas about commitment and in the end...have nothing. If you been the best you can be in a relationship and it still didn't work. You might feel that if that person didn't love you after you been so perfect..who would everl love the real you with your real faults. What more can the other person want ..you might ask? The truth is that the other person didn't want more....the other person didn't want a relationship to begin with. As much as you say you want a relationship....don't pick a person who is admanat about not wanting the same thing.
If someone is booked with activities or even a workaholic or a party person..listen..to them. If you don't you might find yourself back in a familiar and lonely place in life. And when you try to protest, they will make you feel gulity for doing so. The price of not listening is HIGH. People will reveal themselves to you...step away from the unavailable people as quickly as possible so that you can find an available soul mate and begin to enjoy the warmth and love that comes from that type of relationship. Melissa was always busy with her business and other activities....Maria was always busy with her family stuff. And i was begging for more time with both of them.
A person who has rigid or inflexiable schedule doesn't leave much room for life, not to mention love. Many people are tired and weary at the end of workday. Maybe they can't muster the effort or interest to shake up or add something new to their fixed schedule. Don't be second fiddle to someone interests.
Sometimes we're so distracted by chemistry that you ignore the signs. The biggest is time, I think. It's great to have goals, but just as important to remember that we are capable of reaching goals and having life at the same time.. The purpose of goals is to make your life richer and fuller experience. When the goals become an end unto themselves, then you are not making yourself availabe to anyone. If you keep putting off your life because you think you need to focus your energy on accomplishing such and such a goal, you're missing the point. John Lennon said it best...." life is what happens while we're making other plans." Always waiting for the proverbial right time which never comes. Trying to get your life perfect before you start living...is a sure way to make yourself unavailable. There's no such thing as getting your life perfect first...because there's no such thing as getting your life perfect at all....ever. I would not want to be with someone who is a workaholic and keeps putting me off until she reach a certain goal. The whoe purpose of relationships is to have someone with whom to share a loving experience of life, including the adventure of it. The idea of having everthing in place before taking the plunge strikes me as downright cowardly. Do you think they come from everything that goes smoothly and easily?
If someone doesn't like you the way you are ..screw them is my view. People love to change you. What they're really saying is----You're not okay the way you are and I'm the one know how to make you better." The person who changing you..doesn't like the way you are. Oh, they might tell you they like you, or even love you., but the truth is that they are in love with an idea of you that is in their head and will spend the next couple of years to mold you until you match up to the idea in their head. I tell people that if there something about me that you don't like move on. And then there are other who want to recuse you. I don't need any recusing. I need love. If anyone ever attended any twelve-step program..such as AA...you know that one of the basic premises is that you can't fix anyone but yourself.
Let me telling you something... the whole purpose of someone trying to recuse is to keep the attention off their own problems and to focus on someone's else.. It;s a great distraction for not dealing with what's going on in their own life.There is a find line between helping and enabling.
It so funny to listen to these woman who respond to me and they tell me about all the guys they have been with. I swear...they pick guys who they didn't like anway. It protect them from being vulnerable with another person. Most of these guy these woman went out with and even married were no decent men, very self-centered, and selfish. Why would they want to be with someone like them? It's to protect themselve from giving all of themselves. How do I know this? Because Melissa was one of those selfish, self-centered woman i was with. One day she would tell me how much she loves me and the next...she had a shopping list of things that drove me crazy....but since i loved her so much I put myself throught fiery hoops in order to make the changes she's requested. The kicker is this, everytime I sucessfully addresses an item on her list, the list mutates and new sets of items suddenly appeared. I finally realized that I can never make Melissa happy.What Melissa wanted is to have the appearance of a relationship without any of the risk. No matter what I did...it would never be enough.
PART 14-COMMITMENT: VULNERABLITY IS THE SOUL OF LOVE...YET WHY ARE YOU STILL AFRAID (BEING COMMITMENT PHOBIC AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT)
When you avoid the possibility of getting close to a someone because you're afraid of what might happen, then you're letting fear keep you from living your life to the fullest. It's when we don't deal with our fear that we come up with a pattern that makes us commitment phobic. If someone is is addicted to his work, it could be he's hiding at the office, hiding from some fear that lives at home, or at his heart. I know how much I've suffered in my life, how much time I spent with people who didn't want to commit because of my fears. I feared that I would be hurt if I allowed myself to become truly vulnerable to another person. I feared that I wasn't deserving of a complete healthy relationship. I feared that if didn't accept the relationship that were offered to me, on the terms that were offered, that nobody else would love me. Many of us would say yes to people who can't commit because someone really like us...just like when Sally Field said, " You like me, You really really like me" The fear of being unlovable, the fear of living my life without ever hearing the words..makes you do crazy things
My biggest fear is fear of rejection and abandonment. Each one of us has lost someone important in our lives. Most of us will experience someone who abuses our trust. So, the universal fear is that once you open yourself up to someone and become vulernable, what if they end up kicking you in the emotional gut? This is the fear that keeps a lot of people from even trying. I believe in the benefits of the examined life especially the reexamined childhood. Let me tell you something. there are no perfect parents. Even if mother theresa had been your mom, you would most likly grown up with an unhealthy dose of rejection and abandonment... after all this woman didn't spend a lot of time at home. No one grow up without problems,,,You have to learn to grow up with your problems and then learn how to deal with them.
In the end, love is about trust. If that trust has been violated, then it's only natural that you're going to have difficulties opening your heart to someone. That's why you and me spend years repeating the same scenario, even if it's inapropriate, harmful, demeaning . It is the holdover from our childhood, the constant, if you will, is the lack of trust I want to say something important here...everyone is loavable. I will say it again because it's so dam important....YOU ARE LOVABLE. Underneath so many phobia and behavior that separate people and keep them commitment phobic is the belief that they are not lovable for who they really are. That's why they find so many creative ways to keep their distance. They have a million reason for their behavior: work, travel, way to avoid a real relationship than there are coffee choices in Starbucks. Because anytime you risk it all....it's dam scary.
Someone in your life...it could be your parent, or your teacher called you stupid, or make you feel unworth and you will likely to be quite confortable with someone who recreates the pattern. Even though its' painful and hurtful--it's familar. You're attempting to recreate the childhood scene so that you can finally mater it. Maybe you're with someone who makes your feel "less than" that person you are. Are you simply reinforcing a voice that you heard during your growing up years. My parents made me feel i wasn't good enough for anything. I never could ever live up to their standard. I internalized their voice and took the same unrealitic idea for myself. No matter how told me that I was worthy, I just couldn't believe it, I became so convinced that this harsh, critical voice was real. These voice inside our head are so incredibly powerful and rarely rational. ...but now I am able to battle them. It is these voices that can cause so much confusion, allowing us to choose people in our lives who are non-commital for a real healthy relatioship.
You were hiding from the risk of love. I love to ski, I think its worth the risk that comes with the sport, But i don't go off into the woods or ski recklessly. By the time you're ready to tak the risk of sharing your heart and your vulnerabilities with another person, you want to have some idea about the quality of the person you've picked, or they could become the reason you don't pick again. If you're been hurt in the past, the idea of allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone new might be unimaginable. If I made a mistake once, and it caused me this much pain, how do I know I won't make the same mistake again? You certainly didn't set out to get hurt. If you're operating from a place of fear---fear of letting go, fear of risking pain, fear of being hurt---then you are going to make a choices that will reflect that fear. By defination you're unavailable for a healthy relationship and you're going to bring unavailable people into your life. If you've developed a pattern of choosing unavailable people then you're probably not looking atsome fear that needs attention. We do this by choosing to protect ourselves rather than risk letting someone new in. Although people with armor sometimes do attempt a relationship, it doesn't mean that they let you in or you let them in. They're still not getting wwhat they say they want, but they can avoide the difficult job of loking at those fear by losing themselves in what passes for a relationship. Try to remember that when you safe from pain, you are safe from love. When you shut yourself off from one, you shut yourself off from the other.
Why would anyone fear of gettting they love they want? ...Well if you were vulnerable as a child and you were hurt, then getting what you want meight sould like an invitation to more hurt and pain. Another reason is that somewhere inside, you don't believe you deserve to be happy. If that's the case then you'll do all kind of things to make sure you don't end up in a loving relationship. It's so much easier to avoid getting what you think you want than to having to face what may still be missing in your life. Fear of getting what you want can also apply when you consciously want to love and be loved more than anything in the world. It become a fantasy of sort, your idea of what love should be, and your fear of real love falling short of fantasy. You might say that you want a loving relationship in your life, yet do everything you can to thwart your chances to have one and most of the time you don't even know you are doing it. There are people who will marry non commital men....workaolic so that the other person's expectations of the relationship are minimal at best. It would become a perfect hiding place. Perfect except for the fact that that person would never feel comfort of real love, never expereince the excitment that comes when you are truly thinking and caring about someone else. They might be willing to pass years stuffing their life with sensation instead of feeling.....a life of quiet desperation.
There is woman i know..who was involve with a guy who turned out to be gay. Since then ...she has gone on more dates than anyone I know. She is afraid of making a mistake. What if I finally do take the relationship plunge, make the commitment and then the real perfect person comes along? Of what if I commit to a relationship and then I get an incredible offer that requires me to travel around the world? What if...syndrome can paralyze you into never, ever making a decision. Life doesn't stop just because we fear it. We can be so afraid of making a mistake that we end up living a life in limbo. And if we are in this frame of mind, then nobody is a real candidate for your heart. Why...because of what if?
PART 15- FAN/COMMITMENT PHOBIC: MY MESSAGE IS BEING HEARD ABOUT COMMITMENT PHOBIC ( AN EMAIL FROM FRIEND)
Purpose of e-mail:
1) To tell you you were right : I was protecting myself all along
2) To thank you : For the blessing of having you in my life has made me realise
so many things, that I would have missed if not for you. I will never say it
enough, thank you so much Alex.
As I have mentioned before, some books to me, are comfort books. They are, but a selected few, that seem to call to me in my time of need. There is one I haven't read in many years, and yet, it kept coming back all the time in my mind, so I picked it up and opened it. And this is what I read :
" You have to take risks, he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.
Everyday God gives us the sun - and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven't perceived that moment, that it doesn't exist - that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock, it may lie in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But that moment exists - a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.
Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments - but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.
Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back -- and at some point -- everyone looks back -- she will hear her heart saying : What have you done with the miracles God planted in your days ? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you ? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing. So this is your heritage : The certainty that you have wasted your life . "
How I wept when I read these words...I thought of you, I thought of how I risked NOTHING, nothing. Oh yes, I went to New york to fool myself into thinking that I took a step, that I met you, that i should not have regrets. What a hypocrite I am. Yes I went to NY., but I risked nothing. :not my body and not my heart. I came back the same coward as when I left. Always searching for a purpose to justify pushing you away. Any reason. And when it pops up, I justify my fear to myself, telling myself see, he's just like the others, he's always surrounded by women and he'll cheat on you at the first possible occasion and break your heart. I push this logic even further by thinking it's because I'm not good enough, so save yourself the trouble, save him the trouble and let him find someone better.
But while walking through endless streets to ease this restlessness that never seems to leave me, I realised that this was just another form of control. I thought I was being heroic in doing this, putting your needs before mine, but I realised after reading this part of the book, that I was in reality, if you pardon the term ( it is appropriate) bullshitting myself and you. I was trying to protect myself by trying to regain control of a situation I was losing my grasp over. Emotions were getting involved and I couldn't keep the cool detachment I prided myself for.
This is yet another part of the book that sent me aimlessly through the streets again (sorry, no 42nd street in my neighbourhood.... ). So this is what it said:
" Thomas Merton once said that the spiritual life is essentially to love. One doesn't love in order to do what is good or to help or to protect someone. If we act that way, we are perceiving the other as a simple object, and we are seeing ourselves as wise and generous persons. This has nothing to do with love. To love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in the other the spark of God."
This made me realise, that by pushing you away, I was in reality trying to protect myself by regaining control of a situation I was losing my grasp over. Control issues again, my plague. I know, I know you said it, yes I was listening, but it didn't register. Emotions were getting involved and I could feel the grasp of your hand on my heart by the depth of response (good or bad ) you could awake in me. And I was afraid. And I realise this now, the power it gave you over me, the control you would have over me, how if I gave in fully, you could hurt and destroy me. I wasn't trying to protect you from me, I wasn't being generous and wise by removing myself from your path, I was just protecting little old me.
And DING! that's when I heard it as if it was whispered in my ear - trust - That is was trust is all about, trusting enough in the other that he will not hurt you, that you can surrender your heart and your body to him, and have faith enough in him - in those wonderful qualities you say he possess - that he will respect this trust and surrender you are giving him respectfully - and never purposefully seek to hurt you. I see it now, and I am so sorry. I see that the arguments I used were contradictory, how can I say you are too nice and then turn around and not trust you enough not to hurt me. How can I ? If you are all the things I say you are, then there is no logic in not having surrendered myself to you.
I realised, in yet another of my walks, that what I was running away from, was not you, but myself. There was a posting at my job for an assignment in Hong Kong, and I thought, gee it's perfect ! And then I thought about it. Do I really want to do what I have always done ? Do I want to run away and hide all my life ? Why ? Who am I running away from ? Who am I hiding from ? Is it really from someone or from myself. I can't keep hiding from the truth. And the truth is acceptance. I have to accept that I will never be perfect. That I will never have a perfect body, that I will never have no annoying habits. If I wait forever, my body will still be not perfect in my eyes, I will still have imperfections and mannerisms that will annoy a potential partner.
I have to accept that I am not perfect and that by extent, that the other person I will be with, will not be perfect. I will make mistakes, he will make mistakes. Who the Hell never made mistakes ? May he cast the first stone damn it, because I will not anymore ! As I become aware of them, I will lay my control issues to rest, they don't serve me and they certainly do not serve the people I put through them. I realise now that the only thing I will obtain if I continue to run away while waiting to become perfect, is a wasted life.
I am sorry this e-mail was so long, I wrote it on the course of many days. And if you read this far, I thank you, because you see, the purpose of this whole thing as it stated in the beginning, was to thank you and show you how you have helped to open my eyes to so many things. That I was blessed to have you in my life and that if you are agreeable, I would very much appreciate if you would permit me to be a part of yours for a little bit more. I promise to behave and not bother you so much, really I do. I will only write or call you if you request it, I will not take the initiative anymore. Because whatever happens, wherever you life takes you, or mine takes me, I will always think of you as someone very special to whom I will always be indebted to, someone I am privileged to call a friend and that deserves my respect of his wishes..
Thank you so much Alex, for being the instrument of God that opened my eyes to so many truths before it was too late. Whatever the outcome, if we chance one upon the other again or never, these words I needed to say. Thank you. May God bless you and light your path as you have lighted mine so that you find what will bring you peace.
PART 16-COMMITMENT: YOU MIGHT BE COMMITPHOBIC AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT
We tend to believe what we hear ourselves saying. Many people have negative belief about dating and relationship base upon their experience.What they really mean is: I'm afraid ..to risk my heart by going on a date or being in a relationship, so I tell myself that I'm too old, unattractive....ect. Expressing fear as if it is a cold fact is pessimistic, not realistic. The benefit of harboring negative belief is that once again, you don't have to risk anything.
Most people don't think of themselves as someone who is afraid to date or commit. If you can't seem to met the right person, however, it's probably not because there aren't any great people available to date and marry. "What are you talking about?" You might say...."It's really hard to find the right person" That might be so....if you are not out dating ....but another possibility is that your subconscious fears are keeping you from moving forward...i know ..i know ..most of you will totally denied it. But I am telling you that your defense mechanism are so ingrained into you that you don't even realize they're there. But they're standing between you and the lasting love you crave for. If you're dating and not finding anyone worth committing to, your fearful belief is probably something like this:
-you would eventually leave me anyway
-I'll get my heart broken
You may tell yourself that no person you've dated has been right for you, but if no mortal person can met your standards, they're simply too high for a mere mortal. You're using them to protect yourself from being disappointed. Perhaps that has kept the kind of man who's right for you from approaching you. Part of being the right person is to overcome your own fear about relationship...like:
-i'll have to live somewhere i hate ( big with Maria)
-i''ll have to support him or her financially
-she or he will be unfaithful to me
-i'll have to everything
-i'll have to give up my life
-we'll get divorced and traumatize our kids
-i'll get too dependent
-he or she will expect me to clean up after
-she or he will reject me
-i'll be smothered
-i'll lose myself
-i''ll find out i made a mistake/picked the wrong person/ could have done better
-the sex will get old
No wonder you resist surrendering to a relationship. Why would you? According to these belief, you'd only be taking the first step toward ruining your life or giving up something dear to you. Subconscious fears influence the way you behave everyday. When we're afraid of something, we generally come up with a rationale to justify the behavior rather than just admit that we're afraid. My subconscious note-to-self read: Can't get rejected, heart broken or even get divorse..if I don't commit or date or get married.My fear about risk and potential havoc of a relationship gone wrong were still alive and well, but instead of addressing them, I simply changed my rationale. Some people could stay married for life...my parent did for example. Some people will accept you......like Joanne did. I took off the veil that covered my fear about relationships. My desire to experience the supreme intimacy of a relationship outweighted my fear of rejection and pain. You are simply choosing to focus your energies on the reality you prefer.
So many woman tell themselves that most men can't handle a smart woman with independent opinions and ideas. In reality, they were sending those man the unappealing signal that she was in control.
PART 17-SPIRITUAL/LOVE/COMMITMENT: IF A PERSON IS FOR ANY REASON NOT AVAILABLE
If a person is for any reason not available, that person is not your expression of your soulmate. You can also be absolutely sure that there is a message in the appearance in your life of one who carries your energy, Dear ones, this is a clear message that your soulmate is near, for you are being drawn to their energy, but there is something in you that is keeping me away. There is a reason you have made me appear close, yet really far away---tantalizing you with the great recognition, yes, but far enough away for safety. Most of the time the reason for this is your fear. You want love but you are at the same time afraid. You are stilling carrying the memories of previous pain and you're not yet willing to let it go. For whatever reason, you are not allowing me to actually come to you.
I guarantee that in every incarnation, every person you have ever been with is a piece of your soulmate. Every one. And in every incarnation your soulmate has been reflecting to your state of consciousness. It is always your soulmate, wearing different personalities to mirror to you the state of your love. It is only because you are way down you awareness that you can believe that it is different people.
Many of you have had experience of meeting someone and know chemistry and feeling this, you could have sworn "this is it"--only to find that your personalities could not get along at all. Their essence was your soulmate, but you were not open enough to love to draw in the truth of your soulmate. Listen to me...if you meet someone and this person doesn't reflect love back to you, I can promise you that it is a message for you to see why you are holding love at bay. Why you are protecting yourself, and so forth. I also can promise you that in such a case you are very close to ready, because you have actually drawn yourself right to on of your soulmate personalities. This should be a cause of celebration. It should also be cause for deep, self-examination and loving, but ruthless self-honesty. Then, as soon as you have worked through what was blocking you, someone will appear through who your soulmate can truly manifest.
PART 18 LOVE:/COMMITMENT: CHASING CHEMISTRY IS DECEPTIVE
Men who find happiness, whether they're alone or with a man, have honed the skill of knowing when it's time to leave a relationship that's going nowhere or is emotionally unhealthy. They don't spend years waiting for a woman who's pretty much hopeless to come through for them. As humans, we are wired to bond and attach. However, if you're tired of the games and you're ready to have your needs met instead to ignored, then you must be ready to leave your inconsistent woman. Your most essential needs:
-a marriage partner
-ongoing companionship
-passionate sexual relationship
-someone to help me with fainances
-intellectual stimulation
I am no longer wanted to endure so much greif and heartache just to be in a relationship with a woman, even if they have some good time together, including passionate, electrifying sex.
-is she understanding?
-is she reliable?
-is she affectionate?
-does she build up my confidence or make me feel worse about myself?
-does she validate me?
-is she cooperative
-do you trust her?
-does she pay attention to me when I am speaking?
-is she consistent?
-is she nuturing?
Why do you want to stay the wrong woman?
-I'm afraid of being alone: If you're staying with her because you're afraid of being alone, once you are comfortable with yourself, you will be much better equipped to deal with whatever your relationship. You need to work on increasing your independence so you don't feel that you can't emotionally survive without her.
-I won't meet anyone else? So many people are determined to let go of their past relationship always meet someone new. It many not happen in a day or weeks, but it will happen. You've just got to be open to the possibility. Thinking there will never be another woman in your life.
-I love her
-She loves me: It's wonderful to hear a woman you're attracted to tell you she loves you, but you need to be mindful of her unloving behaviors. Try to be more realistic
than romantic right now. Even if she says she loves you, is she really capable of love? Does she have the capacity to love you in a mature adult way, caring for your needs and wants? Or does she love you in the way a young child loves a parent? In other words, does she love you for gratifying she sexual and basis needs, but not with the enduring kind of love that makes you feel safe?
-I'm a victims: You are not a victim. If you waste years on man who repeated hurts you or can't commit, you have to take the power into your hands and leave her. If you've been seduced into a situation that is not what you thought it would be, then leave.
-Stop Idealizing beautiful woman: She has both positive and negative qualities just like anyone else. You are not lucky to be with her--she's lucky to be with you. Stop beating yourself up for the relationship not working out. You need to knock your beautiful woman off the pedestal you've perched her on. Stop making her larger than life and explore your dating options. If you were to look at her bad points, you'd how she totally contributed to things not working out and there's absolutely nothing you could have done to control it. It's just how life is.
I've heard woman put down woman and make fun of them for being ugly, bald, fat, poor, unsuccessful, too nice, a bad dresser,nerdy, a bad dancer, not cool, and/or a pushover. These woman are the very same woman who complain about men objectifying woman, being too shallow, and not appreciating them for their inner qualities. The men you devalue may have the very qualities you can't find in the a woman who jerk you around and doesn't appreciate you.
One of the reaons woman stay stuck with loser is because they have few man to choose from. They should widening the pool of candidates. I think that biggest thing standing in the way for woman finding a committed man is their tenacious commitment to chasing chemistry. Often chemistry is deceptive. Sometimes even the best of us can feel chemistry for a psychopath. So many woman believe in totally following their heart so when they feel chemistry, they literally go with this man. The only problem is they seem to get involved only with the wrong men. Don't be a chemistry junkie because it can lead you down the wrong path. Get beyond chemistry. Instead of focusing on chemistry, focus on these qualities:
1-Is she consistent: she's not ambivalent. She says one thing and does what she says
2-She doesn't lie: lying is a symptom of character disorder. a woman who lies is untrustworthy, deceptive, and will probably lie to you again and again
3-She has a job: even if it's a crappy job, she's stable person who has the emotional capacity to hold down a job
4-SHe ask you questions about yourself: She's really interested in trying to know you, not just trying toget immediate gratification
Get involved only with woman who are interested in you. If you see you have to pursue a woman, drop her. Don't get attached to a woman you have to keep running after. If she starts giving you problems in the beginning confront him, and if she does it again, drop her. Don't get attached to a woman who is mean, bitchy, critical, abusive and argumentative.
So many woman think it is impossible to have a decent guy, complaining that they have already lower standard by dating men who weren't as educated as she was. What most woman don't realize is that they picked the wrong standard to lower. It doesn't matter how educated or good-looking he is---if he lies to you and is unreliable, you are lowering your standards to be with him and that goes for woman also. Raise your standards by dating only people who feelings and behavior remain consistent . In the future, try not to place so much emphasis on their looks or if she or he can dance. Instead, focus on character, how they treat you, and if they are emotionally capacity to sustain relationships. Action speaks louder than words. Some people know just the right words to seduce you by making you feel desired and special. But you don't feel so desired a few weeks later when you are alone and hurt. Besides if a person is charming and know to engage you in a stimuating dialogue, it's only a skill. Tha's all it is. So why do you give it so much importance.
-a marriage partner
-ongoing companionship
-passionate sexual relationship
-someone to help me with fainances
-intellectual stimulation
I am no longer wanted to endure so much greif and heartache just to be in a relationship with a woman, even if they have some good time together, including passionate, electrifying sex.
-is she understanding?
-is she reliable?
-is she affectionate?
-does she build up my confidence or make me feel worse about myself?
-does she validate me?
-is she cooperative
-do you trust her?
-does she pay attention to me when I am speaking?
-is she consistent?
-is she nuturing?
Why do you want to stay the wrong woman?
-I'm afraid of being alone: If you're staying with her because you're afraid of being alone, once you are comfortable with yourself, you will be much better equipped to deal with whatever your relationship. You need to work on increasing your independence so you don't feel that you can't emotionally survive without her.
-I won't meet anyone else? So many people are determined to let go of their past relationship always meet someone new. It many not happen in a day or weeks, but it will happen. You've just got to be open to the possibility. Thinking there will never be another woman in your life.
-I love her
-She loves me: It's wonderful to hear a woman you're attracted to tell you she loves you, but you need to be mindful of her unloving behaviors. Try to be more realistic
than romantic right now. Even if she says she loves you, is she really capable of love? Does she have the capacity to love you in a mature adult way, caring for your needs and wants? Or does she love you in the way a young child loves a parent? In other words, does she love you for gratifying she sexual and basis needs, but not with the enduring kind of love that makes you feel safe?
-I'm a victims: You are not a victim. If you waste years on man who repeated hurts you or can't commit, you have to take the power into your hands and leave her. If you've been seduced into a situation that is not what you thought it would be, then leave.
-Stop Idealizing beautiful woman: She has both positive and negative qualities just like anyone else. You are not lucky to be with her--she's lucky to be with you. Stop beating yourself up for the relationship not working out. You need to knock your beautiful woman off the pedestal you've perched her on. Stop making her larger than life and explore your dating options. If you were to look at her bad points, you'd how she totally contributed to things not working out and there's absolutely nothing you could have done to control it. It's just how life is.
I've heard woman put down woman and make fun of them for being ugly, bald, fat, poor, unsuccessful, too nice, a bad dresser,nerdy, a bad dancer, not cool, and/or a pushover. These woman are the very same woman who complain about men objectifying woman, being too shallow, and not appreciating them for their inner qualities. The men you devalue may have the very qualities you can't find in the a woman who jerk you around and doesn't appreciate you.
One of the reaons woman stay stuck with loser is because they have few man to choose from. They should widening the pool of candidates. I think that biggest thing standing in the way for woman finding a committed man is their tenacious commitment to chasing chemistry. Often chemistry is deceptive. Sometimes even the best of us can feel chemistry for a psychopath. So many woman believe in totally following their heart so when they feel chemistry, they literally go with this man. The only problem is they seem to get involved only with the wrong men. Don't be a chemistry junkie because it can lead you down the wrong path. Get beyond chemistry. Instead of focusing on chemistry, focus on these qualities:
1-Is she consistent: she's not ambivalent. She says one thing and does what she says
2-She doesn't lie: lying is a symptom of character disorder. a woman who lies is untrustworthy, deceptive, and will probably lie to you again and again
3-She has a job: even if it's a crappy job, she's stable person who has the emotional capacity to hold down a job
4-SHe ask you questions about yourself: She's really interested in trying to know you, not just trying toget immediate gratification
Get involved only with woman who are interested in you. If you see you have to pursue a woman, drop her. Don't get attached to a woman you have to keep running after. If she starts giving you problems in the beginning confront him, and if she does it again, drop her. Don't get attached to a woman who is mean, bitchy, critical, abusive and argumentative.
So many woman think it is impossible to have a decent guy, complaining that they have already lower standard by dating men who weren't as educated as she was. What most woman don't realize is that they picked the wrong standard to lower. It doesn't matter how educated or good-looking he is---if he lies to you and is unreliable, you are lowering your standards to be with him and that goes for woman also. Raise your standards by dating only people who feelings and behavior remain consistent . In the future, try not to place so much emphasis on their looks or if she or he can dance. Instead, focus on character, how they treat you, and if they are emotionally capacity to sustain relationships. Action speaks louder than words. Some people know just the right words to seduce you by making you feel desired and special. But you don't feel so desired a few weeks later when you are alone and hurt. Besides if a person is charming and know to engage you in a stimuating dialogue, it's only a skill. Tha's all it is. So why do you give it so much importance.
Every encounter is unique, like a snowflake. Every person will offer you something more in a different area. No two experience are ever the same. There are not guarantee that you will ever feel that great sexual chemistry with another person. Part of the reason is that your great passion is fed by the threat of abandoment and distance. You have to choose whether you want to endure all the pain and heartache that often come with chemisty and sexual energy. You may experience other pleasurable feeling with another kind of person that your past relationship couldn't provide for you, such as consistent love, permant partnership, and future. Unfortunately the passion may not be as intense. You must accept the this truth if you want to change your ways and falling for the wrong person.
I have dated woman who claim to long for committed, long term relationship or marriage, yet she primarily gets involved with men who make it very clear in their words an behavior that they don't want commitment. This type of woman completely blames men for her marriage-less state, because she's not in touch with the parts of herself that doesn't want to be in a relationship. She project her own issues onto men, blaming them so she doesn't have to take responsibility for the parts of herself that doesn't want a long-term relationship or marriage. Here are some of the reason from my experience:
-she's burnt out from having been disappointed so many times.
-she doesn't want to take the chance of being hurt again (having been hurt many times in past relationship)
-she has a general fear of relationship
-she doesn't want to put the energy or time into relationship due to her career of other interests that are taking up much of her time and interest
-she feel she doesn't have the physical attractiveness to compete with all the other woman who are trying to find men
-she's afraid of closeness
-she's afraid of OPENING HER LEG (a biggie)
i am not looking for a trophy wife or wanting to act out my childhood anger and frustation that he hasn't yet resolved. I want imtimacy and emotional connection in a deep way just as you do...I know me...so if you want a man who want a long term relationship...here are the sign to look for:
-he's predictable
-he's not always "on the make"
-he talks and cats with consistency
-his feeling about you stay the same(they don't waver like the stock market)
-he wants a relationship
-he wants to be part of a couple
-he wants to get married
-he looks beyond your appearance
-he adds to your life rather than depletes from it
-he's dependable
-he's supportive
-he doesn't lie
-he has a job
-he's working on his future
-you know were you stand with him
Emotionally healthy man are not a hot commodity. Alot of woman want non-commital men.
Making choices about the kind of perons you want to be with has alot to do with your priorites. Carefully evaluate what you want. Would you rather have a stable, enduring relationship or the thrills and chills of an exciting unrelible person who is beyond your reach. How do you feel about committimg to a person who want a deep relationship with you, but is not as stimulating as the person you have chemistry with. Would you describe being with a person who's considerate and kind but not exciting or have chemisty with, as settling? What does the term settling mean to you? To settle makes sense.
Almost every person who is in a relationship I know and speak to ...feels that they have compromised in some way. I 've never spoken to a married person who felt that their partner had every quality they were looking for in a person. So expect there to be some sort of compromise when you commit. For instance, maybe he'll have the look but not the intelligence you imagined a man you'd end up with would have. Or maybe she'll have the sucess but not the stimulating conversational skills and the ability to relate you'd like her to have. By having certain expectation about the "perfect person", you are limiting the possibilities.
So what are your deal breaker? What are the qualities or things about a person that you find intolerable? Something you cannot live with under any circumstances? What trait or behavior would make you prefer to stay single unitl you draw in your last breath rather than accept. For me I couldn't tolerate a person who isn't kind, compassionate and an nymphomanic. If incredible passion and unbelievable chemisty is completely essential, then you may have to give up marriage and raising children without a partner. You just may not be ablt to get both things in one relationship.
There is not right or wrong choice for what you want when it comes to people and love. Just take a look at the statistics: 65% of marriage end in divorse. Just as many people want to get married or find a committed relationship, you should know that just as many people come to me saying how miserable they are in their marriage and how they wish they were single again.
Being alone and fulfilled is a choice. There may even be times when a relationship with a woman feel intrusive and draining...especially if your life is already stimulating and full with a career, passion about life, and love for friends and family. The choice you make about the people you allow into your life should be competely up to you. One great thing about life is that it's a process and each day holds the possibilities for new chances and unexplored opportunities.
PART 20
THOUGHT/COMMITMENT: WHY DO I GET SO DESPERATE SOMETIMES.
When you get desperate, you'll do anything for your partner. In desperate moments, you don't care about your self-esteem, pride or the future consequence of your actions. Desperation come from having a poor sense of yourself. The development of self is a reflection of your experience with you parents. If you parents had a lot of personal problems and were emotionally empty inside, they may not have the psychological nutrients to give you so you could develop a strong sense of self. This includes parents who were too demanding, neglectful and/or abusive.
You orginally depend on your parents to develop your emotional resource which you draw on later as a grown man. If your parents didn't provide love and attention, it prevented your sense of self from evolving to its full capacity. When your sense of self isn't strong, you end up depending on people in your environment to mirror and validate you. You need other people to make you feel good about yourself. You're less sure of what your feeling are telling you, so you'll end up more vulnerable to non-commital woman. You'll always blame yourslef rather than see when it's their issues. You will have a hard time feeling comfortable within yourself to set boundaries and not put up with behavior you find disrepectful.
When you don't have a strong connection with yourself you tend to concentrate more on the other. Many times when I act desperate, I am running from an intense, empty feeling when I am alone. This empty feeling is like a panic attack, an emptiness, a void. It is like a black hole. Thid emptiness is so overwhelming, I would sometimes rather tolerate a woman's awful behavior than face the horror of being alone with these terrifying feelings.
However terrifying these feeling might be, this void is not real. It has nothing to do with me. A woman, no matter what or who she is, can't make up for what I didn't get from a parent. And that's exactly what the void is all about---what I didn't get emotionally from my parents. In order to stop feeling this desperate, I must face this emptiness and darkness. I have to do whatever it take to endure these feeling while I am experiencing them.
PART 21
LOVE/COMMITMENT: WHEN YOU QUESTION YOUR COMMITMENT AND DEALING WITH TEMPATION
In every relationship there will come a day when you question your commitment. I did with Melissa and Maria. You love your partner, but they are not as committed to you as you are to them. And along comes someone who give you magic you haven't felt in a long while, and suddenly life is beautiful again. How do you handle an attraction that seems so overpowering. How can you not follow an attraction that seems so overpowering? How can you not follow such a strong connection and see where it goes? Trust me...these things can threaten the very foundation on which partnership is built: trust, integrity, everything. In our head, we know what is right, but can we talk the walk? The desire to be with someone you are not allowed to be with stirs that unfulfilled and empty part of yourself that you may have forgotten was even there. You might have a great life, great job, but sometimes a new person being about that feeling and everything seem to pale in comparsion with what you not intensely desire. And that desire is precisely what you want to look at and focus on, because the longing is often a spiritual hunger at work.
Wanting someone to satisfy your longing and make you feel alice is the ego's response to spiritual calling. In all likelihood, the new love will end up being a let down. The newness wears off, issues arrives, and the magic starts to evaporate in the presence of everyday life. The reality is that it doesn't fill that deep yearning, at least not for long. What is missing for each of us can't be found in a person as much as we project our dreams on them. It is instead a connect to spirit...this whole blog is about connecting to spirit. We hunger to feel that sense of excitement, of unlimited possibility, that so intoxicated us when we first met our current partner. But the truth is,as time passes, it become evident that the new lover is only human, has her own issues and shortcoming and probably cannot take us where we want to go any better than our current partner. For a short while we can take a wild ride and feel profoundly connection, but unless we see perfection instead of faults, forgiving and acting lovingly---we will come around to the same old state of mind.
People will forever disappoint us when we look only to them to provide us with a sense of happiness...trust me...i constantly get disappointed all the time. The perfect person is never perfect. Perfection lies in the perception, and that comes from us. The responsibility of experiencing happiness rest with us and our ability to preceive God in everyeone, especially with people are involved with. If we don't have an sense of spiritual connection in our lives... we will alway come up feeling empty and dissatisified. The longing we experience and often mistake as a need to be with a new person--is our human need to bond, to join together...to relate.Even though it may look and feel like you are horny for this person...in a deeper level it is a need to dissolve the sense of separation between ourselves and God by experiencing connection. No one understand me when I tell them I want them in my bed...or that I want fuck them....they think it only sex...but it isnt. I WANT ONENESS I WANT TO END THIS LONELINESS. My body aches for it's spiritual aspiration.
The impulse is undeniably real and cannot be ignored....but if we go about acting on it thoughtlesssly---we can cause alot of pain. The ego seek instant gratification. We long to make a connection, but as the song says....looking for love in all the wrong places. We can find a spiritual connection with someone new, but unless we are consistently moving to support our spiritual nature, we will get disappointed time and again. Eventually, we will realize that our true nature requires of us that we love with all our heart that one to whome we are commitmented ---that we give them all we have until it becomes apparent there is nothing more than serves our higher growth
What you can do when you are in a relationship and find yourself attracted to someone else....is to feel the longing and know that it is a call for Spirit to move through and with you.
PART 22-THOUGHTS/COMMITMENT/SPIRITUAL; AFTER WE ARE LET DOWN ENOUGH AND HARD ENOUGH BY OUR PARTNER...WE FINALLY WAKE UP TO OUR SELF ( THE SPIRIT WITHIN) { REASON WHY ALL RELATIONSHIP FAIL}
In my thirties I often found myself slouching along, living not with a bang but a whimper. I had expected that by then I'd be happily married with children. Instead, my dating pattern had been mainly a series of disastrous flings.
Desperate for a more satisfying life, I sought help from therapists and became a compulsive reader of self-help books, devouring every scrap of advice I thought might help shore up my sagging self-esteem and get my life on track. I eventually found a spiritual practice that would help me learn that the universe really was on my side.
It began with a simple, recurring message: The answers to my search for meaning were to be found within. I had only to listen to and follow the longings of my heart. As I began to tune in to this message, I began to honor my inner yearnings.
When we expect another human being to make us happy or heal us, we put them on a pedestal and look to them as our saviros. We do this with love relationships. We all too often look at our partnership to define us and focus them in hopes of filling the empty hole inside us, which can only be filled by a connectedness to Spirit or God. We idolize relationship rather than working on our own self-realization. What you think you should get from a relationship--a sense of peace, security, sex, is really only attainable by getting in touch with your spiritual nature. You shouldn't depend on the fantasy that someone should be everything to you. Relationship cannot take the place of Spirit, they can only serve to show us the way to it. Because the purpose of life is to grow and become ever more intimate with God, we will continuously disappointed by the ego's promise of external fulfillment until we finally get frustrated enough to consider another possibility. Being "let down" by your partner is one of those blessing in disguise. If we are let down often enough and hard enough, we might stop pinning our dreams on an impossibility and instead begin to wake up to our self---that core aspect of ourselves that is Spirit. Much as we bemoan the insufficiencies of our relationship with our partner, that disappointment can motivate us to look deeper. We may keep looking to other people for a while, hoping against hope that there is someone else out there who can provide us with what we need, but eventually we will give up. Giving up has no a negative connotation. When i mention giving up...i am mention SURRENDER to the spirit...or God. When we have exhausted our personal effort and still don't hav the joy we want, we can turn to the divine for intervention. The moment we give up the idea that love is something to find out there is the moment it comes flooding into our awareness.
When I was with Melissa..all of my fear and insecurities I'd long since stuffed away came pouring out. I became a crazy person as I struggled through the dramas to avoid facing things I had never wanted to look at. Being with her triggered my hidden rage, my feeling of worthlessness, and my controlling behavior. I had always projected the image of a laid back and confident, but that woman held my nose up to far less appealing aspect of myself until I had no choice but to do some deep inner work and become stronger. The relationship with all its heartbreaks, inspired me to look at myself and figure out what need to change. To this day, I remain grateful to her to make me more strong. I would never return to her, or wish to relive those times, but I know that by going through it all, a great healing occureed. My being drawn to her had divine purpose in it, and by staying in the game I became mroe conscious...the relationship woke me up in a sense.
It is inevitable that we will awaken to who we are, how long that awakening takes depends upon how tightly we cling to the idea that soulmate should be the be-all and end-all. The very nature of seeking implies that you don't believe you already have what you're looking for, and implicit in that is a sense of lack, emptiness. When you project lack, lack is reflected back to you....you manifest what you believe. You must have notice that I am not online that much anymore...I am become to believe that I don;t lack love. If you were to lose your soulmate, would your happiness be doomed to disappear forever? NO!!!
Relationship worshipping is a form of being spiritually lazy; We need not do deep work if we are reaching for a superficial salve. If I can be with someone who bring excitiement into my life, I don't have to look at why life is not exciting. I don't have to challenge myself to push myself to grow. A partner can inspire us to see things differently, but they can't be the light that keeps us aglow. We need God for that. We have to find our own joy by BEING joyful. We have to find our own excitement by BEING exciting. We have to find our own love by BEING THE VERY LOVE WE SEEK. Only by becoming ever more conscious of our spiritual nature can we move swiftly along the road to experiencing more and more happiness.
Trust me..you will be tested along the way. Can you be happy spite of being alone? Do you feel good about yourself even if you partner is no telling you great things about yourself?
In a very real way, the level at which you operate determines the quality of character and depth of your soul you draw to yourself, the partner you are with or the partner on thie way is very much a reflection of what is inside of you. As you change you energy, your relationship will transform.
At any given moment, we are constantly making decision based on either love or fear. For many of us, fear is a natural mindset. We might have learned from our parent the we'd better be on guard, or picked up their habit of worrying or being pesimistic. If we want to experience more love, we have to start making decision.
Committing yourself to a relationship means more than promising not to see anyone else. It means you consider your partner's welfear as seriously as you do your own. You are saying "I promise to be loving, and I will support your growth in every way I can. This mean that when the going gets tough, you don't cut and run..you hang in there.
If God were looking at your through the eyes of your partner, wouldn't you have more patience, give more support, and make wahtever effort necessary? Wouldn't you be your kindest and most loving self?Of course you would, and you would trust that whatever wsa going on between you was a backdrop that only served to fineune your spiritual growth. How do you deal with conflict? Let's say you want to start a family and your partner doesn't. You have two choice
1-i really want to have a baby but I don't want to lose you, so I will give up my deram and do what you want
or
2-I really want to have a baby and I can see that this is not something you are ready for. Can we revisit this conversation in six month when you might open be more open to it? If not, and you are really sure it's a closed issue, perhaps we should consider what route we can take so both of us will be happy., I love you and I know you love me, so let's find a way to do what is best for both.
Commitment mean approaching your partner with respect and treating him or her lovingly. This doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have frustated feeling and it doesn't even mean you can't decide to part ways at some point if you both see that what you want out of life is entirely different.
To make a commitment also means setting your intentinos. By doing so, you clarify for youreself---and the power to be---what you want from the relationships. That clarity draws to you circumstance that reflect your goals, and attracts whatever stands in the way of your having that goal. This means that as soon as you make a commitment to someone or something new, you can pretty sure that anything that runs counter to that commitment will materialize in a effort to keep you in your old comfort zone. .
PART 23-
LOVE/COMMITMENT: THE PINNACLE OF ACCEPTANCE IS SEXUAL INTIMACY
We all yearn to be totally accepted just as we are. We long to be accepted and loved even when we are angry, sad, jealous, hurt or depressed. In fact, when we have the most intense negative feelings, it is simply an indication that we are most in need. These are the times we most need to be accepted. Healthy intimacy is the state of such total acceptance. Healthy intimacy means sharing your innermost self, in other words, your deepest fears and desires. To do this you must know what you feel and know how to express it. Intimacy is unhealthy if intense feelings are expressed in unhealthy ways, such as through acts of jealousy, anger, violence, and loveless sex. There is no safety in such a relationship, so true feelings will eventually either get buried or find expression indirectly through actions and reactions. The pinnacle of acceptance is sexual intimacy. In healthy relationships, sex follows emotional intimacy rather than the other way around. Reaching this pinnacle of total acceptance requires a progression up the ladder of acceptance which we saw previously.
Frequently, even habitually, sexual intimacy is seen as a shortcut to total acceptance. In reality though, sex without all other forms of acceptance being met is only a substitute for the more important emotional and psychological acceptance. This is somewhat like robbing a bank, winning a lottery, accepting handouts, or receiving an inheritance. In each case we tend to feel undeserving if we benefit from something we have not earned through our own efforts and merit.
People with low sel-awareness often seek physical intimacy in the place of emotional intimacy, but are destined to remain unfulfilled because no amount of a physical substitute can fill a psychological need. Just as when we climb an actual ladder, we risk injury when we try to climb to fast or skip too many rungs. With relationships, however, we risk hurting not only ourselves, but others as well.
On the other hand, people with high self-awareness are much more emotionally available for all types of intimacy. If you are ever uncertain as to whether to enter into a sexual relationship, ask yourself if you feel understood, respected, admired, supported, and valued.
Suggestions for Creating Intimacy
* Always respect and validate your partner's feelings. Never invalidate them.
* Ask your partner how they would feel about something before you do it. (This does not mean letting them run your life, it just means being sensitive to their feelings and asking for input, particularly regarding decisions which affect them.)
* Share your honest feelings. Take risks. It is better to find out sooner, rather than later, if your partner can not handle them. If they can not, you have the wrong partner.
* During arguments, remember to talk about feelings. Have the composure to stop and ask each other about your feelings right in the middle of a heated disagreement. Once you share your feelings, if you show acceptance and understanding, you will have greatly reduced the intensity of the argument since you can at least agree on one thing: each other's feelings.
* Create an atmosphere of trust, understanding, and safety by not attacking, blaming, threatening, lecturing, judging, manipulating, or labeling your partner. In particular, avoid starting sentences with:
I think you... You shouldn't... You better... You should... You need to... Why don't you...
* Remember that you can't disagree with your partner's feelings without invalidating them.
* Seek to understand your partner's feelings, rather than to win arguments.
* Keep in mind that feelings convey information. The more accepting and understanding you are, the more information your partner will share. The more they share, the closer you will feel to them. This closeness leads directly to the intimacy you desire.
* Remember your main goal for the relationship. If it is to reach closeness, understanding, stability, security, and intimacy, don't do things that are clearly counter-productive to these ends. One last suggestion is to steer clear of people who show warning signs Among other things, these are people who:
Can't put together three word sentences beginning with "I feel"
Frequently feel angry, disappointed, hurt, ignored, jealous, rejected, unimportant, inadequate, unsupported, bitter or needy. These are signs of low self-esteem, unhappiness and unrealistic expectations, all of which set you up to fail.
PART 24-
: I DON'T BELIEVE IN CHEMISTRY
Sex=Pleasure
Love=happiness
I believe there is danger to pursue any physicality at all without commitment. It feel good while you do it, but it can and often will hurt far more than the pleasure it gives. Love is not about chemisty and lust. While emotional passion aer part of love, infatuation and lust are not about the object, they reveal more about the subject. With infatuation and lust as the basis of your attention to someone, when you get to know the real person, you become more disillusioned than with a love that grows slowly. The love that grows when lust and infatuation are controlled, is the love that grow of respect, awe, admiration and trust, and is the love that last the four seasons.
There is no such thing as chemisty, there is only sexual attraction and romantic projection of our fantasies. There is no love where there is fear. There is no love where is no emotional health or ability to communicate about emotional and practical issues. My point is that chemistry and desperation attachment lead people to believe that they are in love, and that love can conquer all. Like most young men..when i was dating...i only cared if she was attractive and i realize that just because someone is attractive to you ..they might not enough of the qualities to marry someone.
PART 25-COMMITMENT: SETTLING DOWN DOESN'T MEAN SETTLING
Keep telling yourself, "All I'll ever meet are loser," and the prediction will prove an accurate one. Before you set out your shingle as a fortune-teller, consider that what you are is no psychic, but victim of a self-fulfilling prophecy. How much happier an outcome you can elict for yourself if you think postive thoughts.
Many singles, much as they moan about not having someone special in their lives, do everything possible to sabotage potential relationships. The reason: Although most want lasting love, they are subconsciously afraid that a partner would cramps their style. In some people's minds, settling down means settling. They fear that once coupled, they won't be as open to new, exciting experience that make them feel fully alive. Ask yourself what opportunities you fear losing out on if you try lasting romance. What are the things you enjoy that don't seem to fit your idea of couple? What are you truly afraid of?
The pattern of being rejected, then trying anything and everything to win back your lover is usually rooted in an early incident of feeling abandoned by someone you loved and trusted. Think back. Was the rejecter your father, your first love, perhaps even an uncle or teacher who made you feel not quite good enough? Consequently, when you enter relationships where your ego is on the line, that not-quite-good enough feeling kicks in and make you say and do desperate things to recapture in the love object's affection.
PART 26-COMMITMENT PHOBIC: COMMTIMENT MEANS COMPROMISE!!!!!!!!! -VERY IMPORTANT POST
A healthy relationship is one in which one partner makes equal decisions with the other partner. Commitment means compromise. That means learning how to live with and make equal decisions with another person. If one partner controls a relationship, financially, emotionally, or otherwise, the partnership is unequal. So try to understand the obvious and hidden ways in which you attempt to control your relationships and the ways in which you allow yourself to be controlled. While our differences are definitely inconvenient, they stretch us to be more whole, loving, and considerate. We are attracted to someone who is different in order to satisfy the deep yearning of our soul to expand and embrace that which is beyond ourselves. In this way, we expand to more of what we can be. In this sense, a relationship assists and supports us in being all that we can be.
Commitment-this is the ultimate sign of devotion and respect. Real commitment is about compromise and realizing when you should bend to the wishes of your partner and when to exert your influence. My experience so far....very few woman are willing to comprise at all. Their favorite word is "NO!" They won't compromise with small things as well as big. I come to the middle and they are not willing to come in the middle with me.
Compromise to me is undoubtedly the key to many problems we face. We are so set in our ways that only our way will do. And so arises the great problem in dating and relationships. If only we could compromise, then we would be better placed to find common ground and work things out. I often hear people saying that they will never compromise on who they would choose to date, what their standards are, what is acceptable for a partner and so on. It makes me sad because who said they themselves were so perfect anyway? Who said they had a right to be so choosey and demanding? Well they did and they do have that right. The dangerous outcome though is that they could be single for a long time yet and unhappy in their personal lives because they are simply just too rigid. Fact.
Now I know that some of you are going to hate this idea of compromise. After all, appearing to compromise in the past has meant you have had some tough relationships and tough times with people. Why should you compromise, it is your life after all. Very good argument. You don't have to compromise at all. Not at all. The problem arises then in building relationships with new people. We may have high standards with our friends and we may have higher standards still for prospective partners but are you going to find perfection? Are you truly perfection yourself? Come on be honest with me, speak to me. Exactly how perfect in every way are you? Exactly! Good so now that I have your attention, lets look at compromises.
Here are six aspects of compromising that we may encounter when dating:
1. Compromise on Perfection
Oh yes, you have the perfect image of someone in your head and its not just about looks. You have an image built up from dreams as well as experience and you are willing to hold out for that, however long and whatever it takes. I have a shock for you babe, life isn't perfect and neither are people. Your idols aren't perfect in their private lives and neither are you. So why set such rigid rules about the people you are going to date.
If you are setting perfection against looks, are you prefect too? If you are only attracted to a certain kind of looks or behavior then I can't argue with that but demanding that someone MUST be 6 feet tall instead of 5'11" is a recipe for dating disaster and speaks volumes about a lack of perspective. I am not asking anyone to compromise on what and who they attracted to but I am asking them to see with both eyes.
Once you move into the realm of relationships you will find that people are far from perfect. There is no one who sees a person the same after ten years as the way they saw them the first 5 minutes they met. That's because as we learn about someone our perspective changes. It is not to say we love any less, but we compromise and begin to accept people with their imperfections. If you cannot accept this you may be better off out-with a relationship.
2. Compromise on Expectations
What do you seriously expect when dating? Do you expect to be hit by Cupid's arrow every time you meet someone. Are you waiting for love at first sight? Are you hoping that every date will lead to marriage? These are important questions because they govern your initial reaction to every new date, they govern how you behave on a date and they govern what will happen at the end of date. Dating is about fun as much as romance and by compromising and accepting that you will enjoy dating much more. After being on 50 dates you may well argue the point that you have a right to expect that eventually you will meet someone you can match with. You are right to be frustrated and I know what you are feeling. The fact is that dating takes time so expect to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince.
3. Compromise on Dates
Approaching dating too seriously badly affects the outcome and your response every time. You may not enjoy dating because of your seriousness and may get dating fatigue. Not everyone you meet will be your perfect match but neither may they be bad people, not extremely pleasant and stimulating, or even sexy. Remember that opposites can and do attract. My advice is to loosen up and enjoy dating for what it is, meeting new people. You most certainly will know it when you are hit by Cupid's arrow, and you don't have to compromise on your perfect match, just compromise on your expectations to dating before you begin. Learn to get pleasure from every new experience.
4. Compromise in Relationships
Being part of a two-people team means exactly that, being a team. Being a partnership means listening to both arguments, both sides of a case, both points of view. The word 'relationship' means compromise. It seems to me these days that a relationship has become all too often a power struggle where one person is trying to get the upper hand, to dominate, to get their own selfish way. The second party becomes subjugated and weakened and stops being themselves. This is a modern disgrace hidden in too many relationships and it makes me tired to see it.
A relationship is not a power struggle and both partners should be equal. If your partner likes to play power games and feel empowered because of it, they have psychological issues that in themselves can cause relationship issues further down the line. If you are not willing to compromise in a relationship, then ask yourself why you are with that person. Your partner does not exists purely as part of your own support system. They have their own needs too.
5. Compromise on the Little Things
It is always the little things that are the most important. It may be the smallest of things that matter to a person, such as leaving the toilet seat up, not tidying up before going to bed, not making the bed, not calling to say hello, not buying flowers. To the other partner, these things may appear petty and not important at all. The point is they do matter and both partners should ensure they listen to their partner and learn what is important to them and what is not. It is not possible to be perfect I know, but it is possible to listen and do the things that make your partner happy. In the same way we hope that they will do the same for you. So keep an eye out for the little things in life. You may have to compromise your own routines to include them, but that is a small price to pay for happiness and love.
6. Compromise on the Outcome
Dating and relationships are open ended affairs. Until you stop seeing someone then there is no end, only the future. Compromise on your view of the future by being far sighted and open minded. You may believe that true happiness will only occur when you have a midtown loft apartment in Manhattan together, or a yacht in a Greek Island harbor and are sailing the seven seas together. That is the beauty of ambition and dreams. But make sure those dreams are shared.
I have seen couples split up at retirement after many decades together because their retirement dream was never spoken about or shared. The point is, as a couple, your ambitions and goals and future should be a shared vision from early on if they are truly to work. You need to be singing from the same hymn sheet and that means you need to be compatible from the outset. You may both have to compromise first to get to that shared vision but it doesn't make it any less worthwhile.
PART 27-COMMITMENT PHOBIC: A STORY ABOUT BEING AFRAID TO COMMIT
The day after my late-night e-mail frenzy, the phone rang while I was hurriedly getting ready for work. I had been alarmedly tearing apart my bedroom since I'd somehow ended up wearing a pearl in one ear and a diamond stud in the other -- and the matches were nowhere to be found.
I'd finally located the other pearl, but the stud still eluded me -- and now I couldn't find the portable phone either. I nearly broke my neck running to the kitchen to catch it on the last ring.
"Hello?!!" I panted, quietly thanking God that I lived alone so no one else would witness my Keystone Cops-like morning ablutions.
"Hi. I got your e-mail," said a sullen but familiar voice. "I'm in Phoenix."
It was college chum Dan Albom, or at least what was left of him. Apparently, he'd been holed up for a couple of weeks in a business suite hotel in North Central Phoenix. (Without calling me.) One of his regular business trips here had stretched out and, he explained morosely, he didn't have any reason to go home on weekends.
"What about Katy?" I asked, referring to his girlfriend of a few years. Since Dan and I had become friendly again after our airport encounter (now more than a year ago!) I'd heard all about the fair Kate and had met her once.
"We broke up," he said.
First we got engaged. Then I broke it off.
"Oh, Dan..." I said, compassion for his pathos pushing aside my own lingering depressiveness. "I am so sorry."
"Well, actually, I broke it off..." he said, thickly.
"Oh..."
"Well, first we got engaged. Then I broke it off."
"What?!!" I squawked. "Why?"
Apparently, he and I had been quite out of touch. It seems Dan got engaged and then de-engaged during the time I was busy piloting my own significant other into the religio-cultural chasm.
He poured out the whole story to me after work, as he nursed a series of alarming-colored margaritas in the Carlos O'Malley's near his hotel. I was surprised at how haggard he looked. He'd lost weight and otherwise just seemed worn down.
"It just had gotten to that point..." he said morosely. "We were sort of flailing around and she was getting itchy. We'd been talking about it for a while, and I figured we'd get married, but I didn't feel any pressure until all of a sudden she started making demands."
"Demands?" I asked.
"You know, that we get engaged."
"Oh," I said, confused. "But you'd been talking about it?"
He nodded.
"And you wanted to get married?"
He nodded again.
As I understood, her "demand" was that the engagement happen sometime closer to now, as opposed to 2009.
Her demand was that the engagement happen sometime before 2009.
Dan had gone along with the "demands," he explained, because it seemed like the logical thing to do and because he didn't want to lose her. They got engaged and then, as wedding chimes began ringing around the corner, the enormity of what was happening hit him.
"It just didn't seem right," he said. "I had all these doubts..."
I found myself shrinking back into the booth. Something about him seemed incredibly ill-anchored.
"Do you think you did the right thing?" I asked tentatively.
He rubbed his eyebrows. When he looked up, I was pretty sure the glistening I saw was tears -- unrelated to contacts lenses or allergies.
"What sort of doubts were you having?" I asked.
"Just the same things we'd been dealing with all along," he muttered. "I just didn't know if we could get over them."
"But, Dan," I began, perplexed, "you were together for a long time. If there were these issues, why did you get engaged?"
"I thought we could work them out," he said, "but they only seemed to get bigger. Then they seemed insurmountable."
I thought of Katy, a non-returnable wedding dress sitting in her closet, and her having to go through what I was going through, except worse: explaining not just that they'd broken up, but that the wedding was off.
I looked at Dan and suddenly felt, on behalf of womanhood, fury.
"You got scared, didn't you," I said, waving my hand. "When it came down to it, you just couldn't do it."
He blinked his eyes several times and looked down.
You just dive out the window and leave her to deal with the messy aftermath!
"I can't believe you did that to her, Dan!" I said, angrily. "So typical! You are Mr. Wonderful-in-Love until it comes time to make a commitment, and then all of a sudden, you flee like an 8-year-old who got caught! You're so lost in your own fear that you didn't even think of her! You just dive out the window and leave her to deal with the messy aftermath of your inability to follow through on anything!"
Too late, I realized that my tone and my words were directed as much at Andy, my old commitment-phobic boyfriend, as well as the legion of pledge-reticent men who'd trucked through the lives of my sister Beth, my best friend Alison, and nearly every other woman I knew. Now I was bubbling out on Dan and I didn't even know if he deserved it.
Dan looked shocked, and then angry.
"Oh, and you're one to talk!"
Uh-oh.
"You get burned by what's-his-name, so you run off and lead on some poor guy who had the misfortune to be born into a religion that's not yours and, worse yet, fall for you!" he said.
"Well, I didn't lead him on!" I hissed, getting pulled in further. "I didn't know until the end that it wasn't going to work!"
"Well neither did I!" he spat back.
We exchanged a few more nasty jibes and then sat looking at each other, eyes blazing, for a long minute. I recovered first.
"Oh, Dan," I said, shaking my head in horror. "I'm sorry. I just bit your head off as a representative of all men. I was out of line."
He half-sighed, half-snorted. "Me too, me too. Look at us, two victims of love who left body counts in their wake."
"You're kind of right, "I said, not so quick to acknowledge my evil side. "I don't think I led Rick on, but I did let the relationship escalate without being aware of what was going on. I didn't know until the end how unfair it was, but I should have."
He nodded. "I feel like some sort of dating toxic waste..."
I stayed silent and let him continue.
I was reckless with someone else's heart. That's some sort of emotional manslaughter.
"Two weeks of brooding in that hotel got me to realize: It's not about her. If I'm going to take the responsibility of getting involved with someone, I need to be sure of what I'm doing. I spent more than two years with Katy and I do really love her... but I didn't know until last month how terrified I was of taking that big step. It was reckless of me. I was reckless with someone else's heart. That has to be some sort of major sin."
I nodded.
"I just never considered the obligations that come along with getting involved with someone," he said, meditatively. "I just kept moving forward, and then I panicked. It's emotional manslaughter..."
"You must get points for being repentant, though," I added helpfully, feeling a bit like a priest in the confessional.
He laughed ruefully. "C'mon, just being sorry isn't enough. You have to be in the same situation and not do it again."
He was looking at me earnestly. Staring, actually.
I looked back bashfully. Did he mean with me?
PART 28-COMMITMENT PHOBIC: COMMITMENT PHOBIA: NOT JUST A MALE PHENOMENON?
Time was when a woman graduated high school, her only goal was to get married and have children. But with the 60s came a big change — women became movers and shakers in a world previously dominated by men. These new gains meant new attitudes, even in the areas of love and marriage.Thirty years later, the question is: Did the revolution turn the former societal expectation on its head?
Not really. Even today — in the 21st century — the notion that women should marry and have children still exists.
This gives rise to an even larger question: Can societal expectations and the new 'freedom' women discovered decades ago, co-exist without wreaking havoc between men and women?
What has caused this disjointedness between men and women?
I think now because of the last 20-30 years — the sexual revolution, the women's movement, all kinds of changes of where women have been out there 'doing men,' they've gotten burned. Now they have as much commitment phobia as the men do. I think the men became frightened of the women's so-called liberation and so-called freedom and so-called ability to call their own shots in the relationship. It threw the normal patterns and roles off and men were lost as to what to do.
In Backlash: The Undeclared War Against Women author Susan Faludi discusses the backlash from the women's movement and what it did to men. She says that men became so frightened and so leery of women that they became ambivalent about their desire to relate to women in a serious manner. They had a need to have a woman in their life but they were simply reluctant to do so.
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Four types of women who fall into the commitment-phobia category. What are those types?
There's the Pity Party-Goer. She's always whining and complaining, setting herself up in relationships that couldn't work so she can keep proving to herself that relationships don't work. She's got a self-fulfilling prophecy going on and she believes it. So she just selects people that are going to keep reinforcing it. Then there's The Boomerang. She keeps leaving and returning and leaving and returning to the same failing relationship, and she does it for a period of years. But that's her way of avoiding commitment.
The next one is The Detective. She is in constant search of the perfect man, the best man, the macho man, the gorgeous man, the professional man, the well-dressed man and the man with the slamming body — and he's got to fit that entire criteria or it doesn't work. If she meets a man who is well endowed, has a nice body, is professional, makes good money and seems to be attentive and kind…but has one false eye, she doesn't want him.
And finally the Picky Picker. She finds a suitable man and then picks him apart piece-by-piece. He doesn't drive the right car, he doesn't make enough money, he's bald, he's too short, he has too much belly. In the end, no one meets her stringent requirements.
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But traditional men seem more apt to be afraid of commitment than women. Is that still true?
In today's society it's about the same. At one point the stereotype was that men saw marriage as an end to everything and women saw it as a gain. Now with women having such prosperous careers — and also how long it takes to get a career off the ground — you have as many women who are avoiding it as men.
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What makes a man commitment phobic?
There are a variety of reasons why a man might avoid a commitment. Maybe he's never seen a man make a commitment with a woman in the community or family system he grew up in. Maybe he was dominated by a woman. It could be so many reasons.
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Can a woman make a man feel less threatened in the relationship?
I think that he has to understand what is so threatening for him. Sometimes the threat has nothing to do with the women they are dealing with. It has to do with the fact that they grew up in a household where they never saw their mothers and fathers have true, honest faithful relationships. Maybe they grew up with a mother that had affairs and they saw it, knew it or were exposed to it. Or they grew up with a mother who was not always attentive to their basic needs — things that created in their minds a mistrust of women. Often by the time somebody is 30 or 40 years old, what you are getting is an accumulation of what we call old, unfinished business…but you're not the culprit, you're not the cause of it.
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Does not marrying mean you are afraid of commitment?
I think it's possible to not ever marry and be content with it. It's usually societal pressure that makes that person feel they are an oddball in the society. It's just like couples who decide not to have children. People ask: 'Where are the babies?' When a couple says: 'We chose not to have any children,' they can't get over that. It doesn't seem right to them. Everybody wants you to fit into their norm.
PART 29-COMMITMENT PHOBIC: WHY SOME MEN DON'T COMMIT
Why don't some men want to commit....these are some of reason in my opinion.
I think that women are controlling in a way that I don't appreciate.
I don't want children, and I think that women will want to lure me into having children.
My children should not need to have a stepmother.
I want to date several women and don't want to promise anyone a lifelong commitment and fidelity.
I want to live my life watching sports, football on TV, going to games and drinking beer, and don't want any comments on how I live my life.
I'm afraid I won't live up to her expectations.
I don't want to be criticized
I already have a boyfriend
I have a nice relationship with my mother and my girlfriend didn't approve of it.
I love my family, but my girlfriend wanted it to be just her and me.
I enjoy the company of my friends and see no reason to start spending time with her instead.
I'm afraid she'll have issues with my drinking habits.
I don't want to have any financial demands put on me, I want to do other things in life than work.
I have had bad experiences and role models from my parents' marriage.
My girlfriend cheated with my best friend.
I have seen too many relationships breaking up among my friends to be able to believe in marriage.
I think women place unreasonable demands on men.
Why commit when it is so easy for me to meet women?
She went mad after having spotted my pornographic magazines, and I don't want to throw them out.
I have had poor previous experiences.
She wanted me to be part of her lifelong project consisting of a family and children, but she never wanted to go out sailing with me.
Chelsea, the football team, is my greatest love.
There was too much fighting; I want peace and quiet.
She never wanted to have sex and she was good looking and turned me on, so it simply got to be too frustrating.
I don't want to commit for life, I want to be free to do whatever pleases me.
A simple test for finding out if a man has serious intentions is to tell him "I do want to be engage by 6 months
PART 30
COMMITMENT PHOBIC: MS. ETERNAL BACHELORETTE
Most woman I think can be termed as the eternal bachelorette. They are self-sufficient woman who enjoys being single. Despite her lifestyle, she's open to the prospect of love and maybe a partner. However, she's not holding her breath. And while waiting for her soulmate to come along, she enjoys life and lives it to the fullest. often she doesn't want to "settle" when it comes to choosing a prospective husband. Despite her desire for romantic love, marriage is not a major priority for her. She take responsiblity for choices that may contribute to her staying unmarried and doesn't complain about life has victimized her. She aware that her selectivness in the men she has considered getting involved with has possiblity caused her to have had fewer available men to pick. The Carrie Bradshaw type
Claim to long for committed, long-term relationship, yet primary get involved with men who make it clear in word and behavior they don't want to commitment.
-doesn't want to take more risks, or she doesn't want to make another mistake
-doesn't want to invest the energy--there are alot of messed up men with problem out there
-doesn't want to take the chance of getting disappointed--relationship haven't worked out for her in the past.
-if she wanted to get involved with a man she'd have to change her life for. She very busy with work and friends.
When I heard Carrie Bradshaw ..on Sex In The City say: "Some people are settling down, some are settleing and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies" THIS IS THE TYPICAL WOMAN OF OUR TIMES.
I'll have to tell you a quick personal story. I remember telling my friend, if I didn't choose someone to marry soon, I would end up alone and depressed, of course he was married. When I had the occasion to meet his wife, I was very disappointed and surprised by his choice, feeling that he had settled and compromised just to be married. But he didn't think he settled, and he was right. There is no perfect person out there. You can't have butterflies with Jesus. You can have butterflies with the devil and not with Jesus and the Devil will lead you to the wrong path
PRO OF BEING MARRIED:
-Constant companionship
-Knowing someone is on your side
-Steady sex partner
-Opportunity to have children
-Someone to share a future with
-No more lonely Sat. night
-Someone to go on vacation with
-Two income
-Knowing there is someone at home with you, that night to talk to, eat dinner, make love with
-someone who take care of you if you get sick
PRO FOR WAITING FOR BUTTERFLIES:
-Free to pursue your career
-Free to pursue your passion/interest
-Lie where you want
-Free to do what you want with your money
-Free to grow and learn more about yourself
-Not accoutable for anyone except yourself
-Travel wherever you want
-Don't have to put up with someone's bad habits
CON FOR WAITING FOR BUTTERFLIES:
-Subject yourself to all different type of people. Repetitive rejection and disappointment, having to attach and reattach, can take a toll on your energy, emotionally and physically and psyche. It is overwhelming
-You're really alone, there is no partner there to help you if you should need it, such as when you have illness, financial difficulties, or just a bad day
Difficult for her to compromise and subordinate herself to a man and his lifestyle. She gets tired of investing emotional energy into relationship, she no longer enthusiastic about pulling in the time and effort needed to deal with the anxiety or pain that may surface when trying to attain intimacy with a man.
PART 31-
COMMITMENT PHOBIC: MOST PEOPLE JUST CAN'T COMMIT AT ALL
There is a reason why we pick who we pick in relationships. It might appear to be an accident, but it is not. We pick and choose people who fullfill a need we have. It is not a coincidence that most people attract emotionally unavailable individuals. It is not an accident that you can't find anyone who is marriage material. As Shakespear once wrote," the fault is not found in the stars but within ourself".
How does a person justify all the choices they make that lead to mistakes? Like most of you, I would say that the wrong people just constantly show up in my life, but that is no excuse. You are still the person who is doing the choosing. Always picking and finding the wrong persons means that you are also very good at avoiding the right ones. So why do we keep attracting and ending up with the wrong person all the time? Am i sending some kind of signal to other people? In reality, the turth is the harder pill to swallow. I might be attracting people who are afraid of commitment. I can't tell you the number of times that I started up with someone knowing in my heart of heart I knew that I would never commit to them. I did pick safe relationship for a while. I knew that they would never make me deliever in my promise to commit. They will never hold me accountable to all the things I said or all the feeling and wants that I have. Most people can't handle what a relationship requires, the demands and comprise that are needed. They believe that there is someone out there who will understand them and will someone how act according to how much togethernes and separteness they want.
unavailable partner will never make you deliever on the commitment you want. They will never hold you accountable for all of the feeling & desires. You had in your heart. They will never require the commitment you say you're prepared to give. Why? Unavaiable means unavaible. Entering a relationship with someone who can't commit is exhausting and painful. Trying to force a unwilling parnter to come closer.Dealing with someone who will erect boundaries and obstacles faster than I can tear them down...Melissa was like that. In her head, she always had a built-in escape plan that she can put into operation on short notice. She rationalize everything--it was her way of making unresonable, irrational behavior appear reasonable, irrational behavior appear reasonable- use to explain away behavior that doesn't always make sense. One day she is in love with me, the next she ready to sabotage. One moment she is appreciative and next critical. She essentially deny that she has a problem and rationalize her behavior by telling herself that I am not the right man.
Some people look as though they are able to commit, overwhelmingly focused on love and loving, they claim to feel no fear and maintain thatthey are longing for a permanent relationship. They are capable of falling head over heel in love with people who are unable or unwilling to reciporate. Considering all the thing most people know about some from very first---his attitude toward money and ect....,yet chose to continue without being cautious & self-protective.
Most people can't handle a romance that places too many demand on them. No matter how much people claim to want an easy uncomplicated love, relationship, on some level they are always creating conflicts. Then sent mix message.
v giving/ v cold
v romanitic/ v hostile
v. accepting/ v. critical
back and forward----behavior is confusing
People who have commit issues are always concern that something better is waiting for them around the corner.
People believe they are meant to have an exceptional life, then they get frightented of finding themselves stuck ina marriage that is both and dull ordiinary. When you are single you do whatever you want , but once you are a couple, you have to learn to share decision and for some compromise triggers panic. Its scary to have the responablity of having someone else's welfare and well-being placed in their care. They want a commitment, but i don't want to make a mistake. I want a commitment, but i want to be with a partner who is perfect for me.
I was with Melissa because of a primal need. I deserve this kind of woman. I felt good because I was projecting a successful image of the world.
The boundaries that most commitment phobic establish will often serve to make certain that no on ever control them. Their relationship often centered around their needs, and chose partner who will go along with this. Commtiment begins the days the fantasy ends and we accept another real, live human being as our real-life mate. One of the great myths of our culture is that if a relationship is right, it will be easy to make and sustain a commitmant to it.
Something is always wrong with who you're with. it feel like you'll go to your grave trying to get your partner to tell you how wonderful you are. You could clearly spend the rest of your life struggling to win her approval.
No matter how sensitive they may appear, no matter how seductive and loving they may somtimes be, no matter how interesting, no mater who deep, and no matter how much they need to be loved, they have commitment problems.Most people can't tolerate the obligations and the expectations that comes with a committed relationship. They can't tolerate the feeling of having to do something because it is expected of them to do it, so hence they create obstacles that limit the relationship---have schedule created limiting their availablitity. They feel so trapped and so totally enmeshed that they are searching for the exit, and in the process to find a way out---they can be cruel--have little sensitivity left for their partner, but they want to believe it's not really their fault. If they can convince you that you have a problem, they don't have to feel so bad about their own cruel behavior. How could someone who wantes to be with you so badly suddenly want to get away? It makes no sense. So you start digging for answer
I feel that nice guys reject meeting people who look too settled, too stable, too adult. They are simply aren't ready for the life to settle. They aren't ready for a real adult commitment to a real adult. We must stop committing to fantasy and take a realistic attitudetoward shortcoming and imperfections of woman. and stop taking mortals and elevating women to a God like state. Many of us start a relationship with someone knowing in our hearts of hearts that we will never commit. If we are choosing unavailable partner, then we must also be choosing relationship that have a sense of distance. If we have a pattern of falling in love with people who are unavaiable, then much as you may deny it, it is questionable whether you yourself are truly available for committment.
PART 32-WHY MOST WOMAN CAN'T COMMIT
Women who suffer from commitment phobia are deeply influenced by their childhood experiences that have seared their subconscious minds and given birth to such unrealistic fears.
According to the psychologists, commitment phobia can be caused by any of the following three situations that a child may have undergone during her formative years:
1. Death of a parent: Children may not show grief but they are very sensitive. A few of them may find it very difficult to accept the passing of their father or mother to whom they were deeply attached. Some of them can’t bear to see the grief of their father or mother. This is when their mind decides that they should not allow themselves to get into similar situations. The logic is that there will be no grief if there is no long-term relationship.
2. A messy divorce: There are many children who go into a shell when they see their parents bickering over small things, and finally breaking up. There are some girls who cannot reconcile themselves to their stepfathers or stepmothers and cannot forgive their parents for what they have done to their lives. Marriage to these girls seems to be a relationship where they can only expect bitterness and hurt. That is why they are so keen to avoid the “imagined” pains of marriage.
3. Abusive relationship: Some girls are never able to get over the abuses inflicted by their parents, especially their fathers. They therefore do not want to surrender to men once again, but want to prize their independence much more. They are mortally scared to risk an unhappy wedding or another abusive relationship.
A fourth reason for women avoiding long-term relationships is purely professional. They may enter into a relationship at a time when their career is poised to take off. They are so attached to their career prospects that they are not willing to compromise on them. Instead they want to postpone the marriage to a future date, which, in most cases, never comes. But such successful women invariably attract men who want to possess them.
PART 33-COMMITMENT PHOBIA LINK TO LACK OF BLOW JOBS
MAN'S reluctance to get married is linked to his fear of a lack of oral sex, new research shows
Anxiety that oral sex will cease after marriage releases a chemical in the brain which makes it impossible for a man to hire a morning suit or book a large, executive car.
Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We studied 1,000 men, half of whom were married and half of whom were still receiving oral sex.
"The half still in receipt of oral said they were happy with their current unmarried status while the others just kept staring at my assistant's mouth."
He added: "If you're determined to get married I would suggest you satiate yourself with blow jobs beforehand, and then perhaps you won't miss them, though I doubt it."
Tom Logan, a policeman from Exeter, who has been engaged to primary school teacher Nikki Hollis for 10 years, said their relationship still had plenty of oral sex left in it.
He said: "I just feel I'm not quite ready for Nikki to stop giving me blow jobs just yet, it's a big step and not one I think we ought to rush into."
He added: "Perhaps if she lets me do that thing that everyone says is so much better than even you think it’s going to be, and not painful at all, then I'll think about buying a ring."
Part 34-FROM A MALE FAN
This is the question I ask women:
“Imagine you could only go to one of two places for vacation. One place is Spain, where you will enjoy coffee at sidewalk cafes while people watching, lounging on beautiful beaches under a warm sun, visiting cultural landmarks and museums, and dancing and drinking away the night in exciting clubs. You ride up and down narrow streets on a scooter, eating the best food Spain has to offer and learning to speak a few words of Spanish. The other place is Antarctica (Or Patagonia or Tibet. Season to taste.), where you will be alone with the wonder and power of the natural world, your breath taken away by awesome sights and incredible wildlife, giant glaciers loom over you and the rocky beach is filled with penguins and elephant seals. You are at one with nature, your stress melting away, and you feel alive. Which vacation do you choose?”
How a girl answers this question will reveal a lot more about her than simply what she enjoys doing on vacation. Note that the trick is to emphasize the positive aspects of each vacation destination. You want her to make her choice in a happy frame of mind, free of negative associations. Pay attention, because her answer — and the follow-up questions you will ask, such as “How does that make you feel?” — will tell you a lot about how she approaches everything in life, including relationships and men.
Here is what I have learned:
If the girl answers “Spain”…
* She is likely to be a status whore
* She is likely to do hard recreational drugs, or think about doing them
* She will be high maintenance
* She likes to dress in sexy clothes
* Her shoes are plentiful and nonfunctional
* She is a raving liberal who loathes rules, timetables, and schedules
* She is spontaneous
* She is flaky
* She is generous of spirit
* She will go out of her way to make sure everyone is having fun
* She is malleable
* She is dependent
* She is admiring
* She is exasperating
* She is a drama queen
* She wants kids, eventually
* She likes cats
* She generally likes people
* She is whimsical
* She is a glib optimist
* She frets
* She cries
* She will expect you to pay
* She loves shopping, especially on your dime
* She cares what kind of car you drive, the shoes you wear, the TV you own
* She will love getting jewelry from you
* She has a lot of superficial yenta screechaholic friends and gay boyfriends
* She prefers making love whenever and wherever the mood strikes
* She is pro-PDA
* She is an attention whore
* She is an incorrigible flirt
* She gets turned on when you ignore her
* She just wants a man who will understand her
* She is more aroused by a man’s social status than by his charm or looks
* She is extraverted
* She hates hates hates betas
* She loves badboys
* She desperately, secretly wishes to submit to a dominant man, in all ways and at all times
* She is more like her mother than her father
* She was popular in high school
* She lost her virginity later in life than you would think
* She is not particularly adventurous, but she is silly fun
* She is a party girl
* She is afraid of food
* She has an anal fixation
* She huffs lurid gossip
* She’ll keep you guessing
* She is ultrafeminine
* She might cheat and you will find out
* She has an STD and will deny if you ask
* She will heal or she will break your heart
If the girl answers “Antarctica”…
* She won’t care very much what you do for a living or how much you make
* She has smoked pot and prefers beer to cosmos
* She will be low maintenance
* She won’t dress sexily very often, and when she does it will seem unnatural on her
* Her shoes are few and functional
* She is a raving liberal who loves rules, timetables, and schedules
* She is a planner
* She is intractable
* She is selfish at heart
* She will go out of her way to make sure she is having fun
* She is set in her ways
* She is independent
* She is circumspect
* She is reliable
* She is serenity now
* She is often adamant about not wanting kids
* She likes dogs
* She generally hates people
* She is grounded
* She is a cynical fatalist
* She compartmentalizes
* She snarks
* She will almost always pay half, without hesitation
* She hates shopping, and has few yuppie possessions
* She hates materialism and prefers items with “character” instead of “price tag”
* She will love getting homemade cards from you
* She has no gay boyfriends and the few friends she has are nerdy
* She prefers making love in the bedroom
* She is anti-PDA
* She avoids drawing attention to herself
* She doesn’t know how to flirt
* She gets annoyed if she thinks you aren’t listening to her
* She just wants a man who will respect her
* She is more aroused by a man’s personality and looks than by his social status
* She is introverted
* She tolerates betas
* She is wary of badboys
* She hates controlling men, but will often wish a man would take the initiative and lead instead of her doing it all the time
* She is more like her father than her mother
* She was invisible in high school
* She lost her virginity earlier in life than you would think
* She is adventurous, but not silly fun
* She is a spiritual girl
* She loves eating
* She has an oral fixation
* She relishes moments of solitude and silence
* She’ll keep you wondering if you can do better
* She has some masculine personality traits
* She might cheat and you won’t find out
* She has an STD and will admit it if you ask
* She will heal or she will break your soul
Analyze these two lists. Which girl would you prefer to date long term? Which girl do you believe best complements your lifestyle and values? As you can see, both types of women have their advantages and disadvantages. Which advantages are more important to you and which disadvantages you despise more than the others will depend on what kind of man you are and how well you can tolerate shortcomings in the women you choose to bless with the pleasure of your company.
It’s too bad you can’t find all the positives with few of the negatives of these two lists in the same girl. I have searched near and far for such an exquisite creature but my efforts to date have been fruitless. Or perhaps my standards are extraordinarily high. Either way, my standards aren’t budging, so the search continues… joyfully.
PART 35
Despite high levels of chemistry, a relationship without shared compatibility is a surefire road to dissatisfaction on the other side of the “honeymoon period.” The throes of lust and liking usually only last up through eight months to a year, tops. And the worst part is that sometimes these kind of relationships drag on well past their due, prolonging the frustration and boredom experienced by both partners. There are countless relationships between two ultimately incompatible people ranging from “just dating” to living together—and even married—that are empty ventures drifting into nowhere.
Hooking up routinely with Mr. and Ms. Right Now, knowing fully that they are not the marrying kind is a recipe for disaster. Serial daters take up with “fillers” until something better comes along, but nothing does. So there they stand, afraid to be alone but mortified by the idea of being spending the rest of their lives with the person they’re with. Take it one step further as time marches on and two very incompatible people can end up committing to one another because they both feel obligated because of how much time they’ve spent together. There never really is a right time to commit when you’re with the wrong person.
The right person moves their partner with their heart, not drags them reluctantly each step of the way toward a level of commitment they’re not ready to provide. Timing without true compatibility leads to settling for less in the long run, and it’s not good enough. The bottom line is that no one has to settle to settle down. The people we choose to spend our time with, whether fillers or not, become the ones that our fill lives,
There comes a certain point in every long-term relationship when one partner questions where it’s going. Is he “The One”? Should she be “The One”? Absolute honesty ensures two people are traveling on the same path, so don’t hide what your needs are—from both your partner and yourself—just because you’re afraid of a negative outcome. A serious, long-term commitment needs to be desired by both partners for it to work without repressed doubts and resentments undoubtedly cropping up as much larger obstacles in the future, so do express your thoughts.
There’s nothing funny about being mixed up with a true noncommittal partner. It’s painful to lose your heart to someone who’s just not entirely there for you the way that you are willing to be for them. On some level they want to be there with someone someday, and will sometimes express that they want to be there (thoroughly confusing and misleading their partner), but in the end they’re not ready, and may never be. This is what’s known as unrequited love.
Romantic rejection experienced early on or observed early on in dysfunctional families growing up can lead people down a path of avoiding the kind of close, intimate relationships that they really long for deep within their hearts. But despite the desire deep down inside to have a serious, monogamous, committed relationship doesn’t mean they can. Not having healed fully from a painful set of experiences has left them genuinely distrustful of other people, and of their own ability to make the right choices. Unhealed wounds can even go as far as someone not feeling as though they deserve to be with the right kind of person. They are afraid to open up. Relationships are mutual agreements of commitment. When faced with a proposition to take a relationship to the next level of agreement, a serial dater will break off what seems to be a perfectly great relationship because they cannot agree in good faith to commit. Risking any kind of rejection from a relationship that they consider serious is too much to bear, so they date people that they like, but not enough to warrant a serious commitment in their hearts. That next level of commitment with someone they never really took seriously on deep levels would blow their avoidant choices wide open into conscious view, and it’s too much to bear. Fear of being alone ironically keeps them alone on a very deep level—a self-fulfilling prophecy.
During the last few interactions together, the true serial dater might say things like “I’m really confused” and “I don’t know what I want,” and that “it’s not you but me”—and they’re absolutely correct. It is them. They chose you from the beginning knowing full well that it wouldn’t work out on any sort of long-term level, so when it started to get hot and heavy, they reached for the eject button.
*****
Trying to save these serial daters is a lost cause that will only lead to more pain, frustration and a lowering of your own standards. Deep personal issues and forces are at work that time alone can’t solve. Listen to their “it’s not you—it’s me” breakup speech and keep moving, allowing yourself to feel hurt and keep seeking someone who will elevate you to the equal pedestal on which you both belong. Until the true serial dater reconciles their alienating motivations hidden by superficial expressions of affection, he or she will keep substituting the same types of good-for-right-now-but-not-forever people over and over like interchangeable widgets, and will leave a wake of broken hearts in his or her path.
What if it’s me?
If you are the noncommittal half in a relationship and you feel or know that your partner is pushing for a deeper level of intimacy than you feel comfortable providing, take a step back and assess what you’re looking for in the relationship. How do you feel about them? Could this change with time? Are you on the same page with your partner? Are you on the same page with yourself? If you’re with the wrong person, are you sacrificing a fear of being alone with the certainty of being dissatisfied in a go-nowhere relationship? Do you realize you may be hurting your partner by doing that? No one is immune to the toxic feelings of rejection nor the immense joy of love. Both are two parts of the whole known as love, but there is a fairness to love that should be respected. If it becomes clear you do not feel the same level of love and/or commitment as your partner—and suspect you never will—you might want to think about doing the right thing for them and breaking it off, even if you can’t see that it’s also the right thing for you to do for you. If you ever have any hope of having a deep, lasting relationship in which you can finally feel secure and satisfied, you’ll have to take a leap of faith, risk loneliness and make the move toward self-honesty. Past hurt doesn’t make you damaged goods, nor should it set an impossible barometer upon which to judge future potential partners. The anger of past trauma hurts like nothing else, especially unresolved anger mixed with its opposite desire, love. Feeling two diametrically opposed emotions toward someone has the potential to stall people for entire lifetimes, but only if you let it. Don’t waste any more years letting past traumas color your interactions with the opposite sex. It’s not healing time; it’s stalling, and it can leave you feeling very empty over the years. If you need a therapist to sort through it, get one. With a lot of soul searching and honesty, you will know exactly when your time is to settle down, and it will be with a partner who is the best thing you’ve ever known. Far past the unsure feelings of your past relationships, you’ll know with absolute surety that you never had to settle to settle down—and neither did your partner.
If your relationship is not the biggest source of happiness and joy in your life...
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Best,
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