ARTICLE: Review of "The Wild Oats Project: One Woman's Midlife Quest for Passion at Any Cost" by Robin Rinaldi By Carlos Lozada

Get ready for “The Wild Oats Project.” And not just the book. Get ready for “The Wild Oats Project” phenomenon — the debates, the think pieces, the imitators and probably the movie. Get ready for orgasmic meditation and the Three Rules. Get ready for “My Clitoris Deals Solely in Truth” T-shirts.

Robin Rinaldi, a magazine journalist living in San Francisco by way of Scranton, Pa., initially wasn’t sure she wanted children, but she knew that Scott, her stoic Midwestern husband, did not. Over time, Rinaldi decided a baby would add purpose to their lives, but Scott wouldn’t change his mind. “I wanted a child, but only with him,” she explains. “He didn’t want a child but wanted to keep me.” When Scott opted for a vasectomy, she demanded an open marriage.

“I refuse to go to my grave with no children and only four lovers,” she declares. “If I can’t have one, I must have the other.”

(Sarah Crichton)

If you’re wondering why that is the relevant trade-off, stop overthinking this. “The Wild Oats Project” is the year-long tale of how a self-described “good girl” in her early 40s moves out, posts a personal ad “seeking single men age 35-50 to help me explore my sexuality,” sleeps with roughly a dozen friends and strangers, and joins a sex commune, all from Monday to Friday, only to rejoin Scott on weekends so they can, you know, work on their marriage.

The arrangement is unorthodox enough to succeed as a story, and in Rinaldi’s telling it unfolds as a sexual-awakening romp wrapped in a female-empowerment narrative, a sort of Fifty Shades of Eat, Pray, Love. “I wanted to tell him to f— me hard but I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth” is a typical Rinaldi dilemma. At the same time, she constantly searches for “feminine energy” or her “feminine core” or for a “spiritual practice guided by the feminine.”

But more than empowering or arousing, this story is depressing. Rinaldi just seems lost. Still sorting through the psychological debris of an abusive childhood, she latches on to whatever guru or beliefs she encounters, and imagines fulfillment with each new guy. She still rushes to Scott whenever things gets scary (a car accident, an angry text message), yet deliberately strains their union beyond recovery. “At any cost” are the operative words of the subtitle.

Robin and Scott agree to three rules — “no serious involvements, no unsafe sex, no sleeping with mutual friends” — that both go on to break. He finds a steady girlfriend, while Robin violates two rules right away. “In truth, I was sick of protecting things,” she writes about going condom-free with a colleague at a conference. “I wanted the joy of being overcome.”

The men and women she hooks up with — some whose names Rinaldi has changed, others too fleeting to merit aliases — all blur into a new-age, Bay Area cliche. Everyone is a healer, or a mystic, or a doctoral student in feminist or Eastern spirituality. They’re all verging on enlightenment, sensing mutual energy, getting copious action to the sounds of tribal drums. The project peaks when she moves into OneTaste, an urban commune where “expert researchers” methodically stroke rows of bare women for 15 minutes at a time in orgasmic meditation sessions (“OM” to those in the know). “Everyone here was passionate,” Rinaldi writes. “Everyone had abandoned convention.”

But they are all so uniform in their unconventionality that it’s hard to keep everyone straight. This book needs an org chart.

Rinaldi holds little back, detailing her body’s reactions along the way. At first she is upset that she can’t feel pleasure as quickly as other women, but she finally decides she’s glad that her “surrender didn’t happen easily, that it lay buried and tethered to the realities of each relationship.” Her clitoris, although “moody,” was also “an astute barometer. . . . It dealt solely in truth.”

And truth often comes in tacky dialogue. “Your breasts are amazing,” one of her younger partners tells her. “You should have seen them in my twenties,” Rinaldi boasts. His comeback: “You’re cocky. I dig that.” (Fade to dirty talk.) When they do it again months later, he thanks her in the morning. “Something happens when I’m with you,” he says. “I feel healed.” I’m sure that’s exactly what he feels.

Rinaldi can’t seem to decide why she’s doing all this. The project is her “rebellion.” Or “a search for fresh, viable sperm.” Or a “bargaining chip.” Or “an elaborate attempt to dismantle the chains of love.” Or just a “quasi-adolescent quest for god knows what.”

If exasperation could give you orgasms, this book would leave me a deeply satisfied reader.

One of her oldest friends calls her out. “How is sleeping with a lot of guys going to make you feel better about not having kids?” she asks. Rinaldi’s answer: “Sleeping with a lot of guys is going to make me feel better on mydeathbed. I’m going to feel like I lived, like I didn’t spend my life in a box. If I had kids and grandkids around my deathbed, I wouldn’t need that. Kids are proof that you’ve lived.” It’s a bleak and disheartening rationale, as though women’s lives can achieve meaning only through motherhood or sex.

For all her preoccupation with feminine energy, Rinaldi seems conflicted over feminism. “I would die a feminist,” she writes of her collegiate activism, “but I was long overdue for some fun.” Later, she pictures women’s studies scholars judging her submission fantasies, and frets over “those Afghan women hidden under their burqas” who could be “beaten or even killed right now for doing what I was so casually doing.” But when she finds a sexual connection with a woman who backs away because of “emotional issues,” Rinaldi channels her inner alpha male: “I was drawn to her body but shrunk back when she expressed unfettered feeling. . . .  It only took sleeping with one woman to help me understand the behavior of nearly every man I’d ever known.”

When the year runs out, Rinaldi returns to Scott, even though she soon starts an affair with a project flame. She’s no longer so upset about the vasectomy, regarding it as a sign that Scott can stand up for himself (though it may also mean she now cares less about him, period). No shock that post-project, their chemistry is off, and when Rinaldi makes a casual reference to their time apart, Scott finally explodes. “Do you know how many nights I cried myself to sleep when you moved out!?” he asks. “Do you care about anyone’s feelings but your own!?” She was “too stunned to reply.” But the fate of this marriage, revealed in the final pages, is anything but stunning.

“These are the sins against my husband,” Rinaldi recounts. “Abdicating responsibility, failing to empathize with him, cheating and lying.” After blaming him for so long, “in the end, I was the one who needed to ask forgiveness.”

In a rare moment of heartbreaking subtlety, the book’s dedication page simply says “For Ruby,” the name Rinaldi had imagined for a baby girl. Except, “there is no baby,” she writes at the end. “Instead there is the book you hold in your hands.”

And that is a frustrating book, with awkward prose, a perplexing protagonist and too many eye-rolling moments. Yet it is also a book I see launching book-club conversations and plenty of pillow talk — not just about sex and marriage, but about the price and possibility of self-reinvention. You don’t have to write a great work to cause a great stir.

Does Rinaldi reinvent herself? She survives the aftershocks and even seems to discover some happiness, however fragile she knows it to be. So maybe she needed this after all. Or maybe sometimes “empowerment” is just another word for self-absorption.

NY Post Article

By Jane Ridley

March 16, 2015 | 12:01am

Trapped in a marriage where the sex was routine, freelance journalist Robin Rinaldi, now 50, embarked on a 12-month experiment in which she lived apart from her husband during the week and took lovers. As she publishes her memoir, “The Wild Oats Project,” on Tuesday, she talks to The Post’s Jane Ridley about her erotic journey.

Pulling on his pants after our intimate encounter in my Las Vegas hotel room, the cute 23-year-old I’d just picked up holds out his cellphone, urging me to tap in my number.

“You really don’t have to take it,” I say.


Having sex with a stranger is thrilling, but I’m not that interested in a repeat performance.

Two minutes after he’s gone, I climb back into bed and text my husband, Scott, whom I’ve been with for 18 years. “Just saying good night,” I type. “Good night, dove,” writes back Scott from wherever he is.

Scenarios like these were typical during my year of living dangerously — the crazy 12 months in 2008 and 2009 I jokingly call my “Wild Oats Project,” when Scott and I had an open marriage.

Stuck in a rut — our once-a-week sex life was loving, but lacked spontaneity and passion — I was craving seduction and sexual abandon. I was having a midlife crisis and chasing this profound, deeply rooted experience of being female.

Before then, starting a family had felt like one route to this elusive state of feminine fulfillment. But Scott had made it absolutely clear he never wanted a baby, and even had a vasectomy.

Many people will find this hard to understand, but, as the door to motherhood closed, I found myself rushing towards this whole other outlet of heightened female experience — taking lovers.

I’d always been “the good girl,” and had slept with only three guys before getting involved with Scott at the age of 26. I was pretty conservative.

Sexually, I was experiencing what happens to a lot of women in their late 30s and early 40s. I was approaching my sexual peak and was relaxing into myself.


I broke the news to Scott that I wanted an open marriage in early 2008, a few months after his vasectomy. “I won’t go to my grave with no children and four lovers,” I told him repeatedly. “I refuse.”

Against the idea at first, he eventually relented. According to our deal, I’d rent a studio apartment during the week and come back to our home on weekends. Both of us could sleep with whomever we chose as long as we used protection. It was a case of “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

My first step was placing an ad on nerve.com, a kind of intellectual version of Craigslist’s Casual Encounters. Under the heading: “Good girl seeks experience,” it read: “I’m a 44-year-old professional, educated, attractive woman in an open marriage, seeking single men age 35-50 to help me explore my sexuality. You must be trustworthy, smart, and skilled at conversation as well as in bed.”

I added: “Our time together will be limited to three dates as I cannot become seriously involved.”

Within 24 hours, my inbox offered up 23 prospective suitors.



Rinaldi was 44 years old when she experimented with an open marriage. She placed the ad above on nerve.com looking for new lovers.

The first lover I met through nerve.com was a 40-something lawyer called Jonathan*. Slim, handsome with glasses and a stylish haircut, he suggested we kiss to test our sexual chemistry. “There’s a lot of heat there,” he said.

On our second date, the following week, he came to my studio after work with a cooler of snacks and some wine. We stumbled to the bed, where he turned me onto my hands and knees and took me from behind.

We had intercourse twice and, after he left, I felt satiated.

Modal Trigger

Robin Rinaldi was 44 years old when she experimented with an open marriage. After talking with her husband, she placed an ad online looking for new lovers.Photo: John Chapple

Around the same time, I took workshops at OneTaste, a sexual-education center, which has branches in New York and San Francisco, where I lived at the time. A sort of “sex-friendly” yoga retreat, it taught me something called orgasmic meditation, which is centered on the woman.

OneTaste was the place where I selected most of my lovers, although I picked up a couple of guys, like the 23-year-old in Vegas, on business trips. OneTaste was populated by cool, open-minded San Franciscans who wanted to expand their horizons.

They included an astrologer named Jude, 12 years my junior. The moment I saw him, I was irresistibly drawn in.

Slightly built and neo-hippy, he was spiritual, calm and centered. I was an Italian, meat-eating, busy magazine editor. But we had a real connection. I became infatuated with him, but the sex soon fizzled.

And then there was Alden, a writer, in his late 30s, who answered my nerve.com post.

“So your ad said only three dates,” he said, as we ate dinner in a crowded restaurant. “Yes,” I replied. Without missing a beat, he reached over and lightly took my fingertips in his. “Do you think we’ll be able to do that, to limit it?”

I loved our conversation, the fact he was a writer, the books he read. Things in the bedroom were mind-blowing and, before I knew it, I was hooked. But I’d made a pledge to my husband that I wouldn’t get involved with any of my lovers. I stuck to that.

And so the year went on. I had lots of “firsts,” including being intimate with women.

But the lessons I learned weren’t purely physical. They were about growing up, making mistakes, learning to live without so much fear, owning up to my dark side and, eventually, finding out the difference between being a “good girl” and a good person.

‘I OWNED UP TO MY DARK SIDE, FINDING OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING A ‘GOOD GIRL’ AND A GOOD PERSON.’


On weekends, I’d go back to Scott. It wasn’t as strange as you might imagine. I liked it. It was the perfect balance, living on my own during the week and then returning home.

We knew we were both sleeping with other people, but we kept to the rules and never spoke about it. We had sex as always and the open marriage spiced things up — at least at first.

But, by the end of the 12-month project, moving back home full time proved more difficult than I had thought. After you open up a marriage and experience a whole range of sexual variety and aspects of yourself you’ve never had before, it’s hard to put everything back in the box.

You’re changed.

I slept with a total of 12 people (including two women) during the Wild Oats Project.

Suddenly I found an updated version of myself. The person I was at 44 was so much different than the woman I’d been when I was last single at 26. She was less shy, more confident, wilder.

Meanwhile, it turned out that, for around six months, Scott had been exclusively sleeping with one woman, a lot younger than me. That bothered me, especially as they hadn’t been using condoms. But it wasn’t the catalyst for the end of the marriage, because he broke things off with her.

The turning point was hearing from Alden. He sent me an email, out of the blue, several months after the project had come to an end.

Before long, we were having sex again. Being with him was exquisite. After reconnecting with Alden and falling deeply in love with him, there was no going back.

Five years on, Alden and I are happily living together. It’s a regular, monogamous relationship. I’m grateful I experienced my marriage to Scott (who has since found a new partner) but now, for this part of my life, I believe being with someone who is the most temperamentally like me is where I can learn more.

As for not having children, I’m at peace with that, too.

First I channeled the creativity I would have used to become a mom into my sexuality, and then I channeled it into writing my memoir. As my story shows, there are many different ways in life to find passion and fulfillment.

SPIRIT: WE ARE ALL EMPTY SPACE

Nobel Prize winning physicists have proven beyond doubt that the physical world is one large sea of energy that flashes into and out of being in milliseconds, over and over again.

Nothing is solid.

This is the world of Quantum Physics.

They have proven that thoughts are what put together and hold together this ever-changing energy field into the ‘objects’ that we see.

So why do we see a person instead of a flashing cluster of energy?

Think of a movie reel.

A movie is a collection of about 24 frames a second. Each frame is separated by a gap. However, because of the speed at which one frame replaces another, our eyes get cheated into thinking that we see a continuous and moving picture.

Think of television.

A TV tube is simply a tube with heaps of electrons hitting the screen in a certain way, creating the illusion of form and motion.

This is what all objects are anyway. You have 5 physical senses (sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste).

Each of these senses has a specific spectrum (for example, a dog hears a different range of sound than you do; a snake sees a different spectrum of light than you do; and so on).

In other words, your set of senses perceives the sea of energy from a certain limited standpoint and makes up an image from that.

It is not complete, nor is it accurate. It is just an interpretation.

All of our interpretations are solely based on the ‘internal map’ of reality that we have, and not the real truth. Our ‘map’ is a result of our personal life’s collective experiences.

Our thoughts are linked to this invisible energy and they determine what the energy forms. Your thoughts literally shift the universe on a particle-by-particle basis to create your physical life.

Look around you.

Everything you see in our physical world started as an idea, an idea that grew as it was shared and expressed, until it grew enough into a physical object through a  number of steps.

You literally become what you think about most.

Your life becomes what you have imagined and believed in most.

The world is literally your mirror, enabling you to experience in the physical plane what you hold as your truth … until you change it.

Quantum physics shows us that the world is not the hard and unchangeable thing it may appear to be. Instead, it is a very fluid place continuously built up using our individual and collective thoughts.

What we think is true is really an illusion, almost like a magic trick.

Fortunately we have begun to uncover the illusion and most importantly, how to change it.

What is your body made of?

Nine systems comprise the human body including Circulatory, Digestive, Endocrine, Muscular, Nervous, Reproductive, Respiratory, Skeletal, and Urinary.

What are those made up of?

Tissues and organs.

What are tissues and organs made of?

Cells.

What are cells made of?

Molecules.

What are molecules made of?

Atoms.

What are atoms made of?

Sub-atomic particles.

What are subatomic particles made of?

Energy!

You and I are pure energy-light in its most beautiful and intelligent configuration. Energy that is constantly changing beneath the surface and you control it all with your powerful mind.

You are one big stellar and powerful Human Being.

If you could see yourself under a powerful electron microscope and conduct other experiments on yourself, you would see that you are made up of a cluster of ever-changing energy in the form of electrons, neutrons, photons and so on.

So is everything else around you. Quantum physics tells us that it is the act of observing an object that causes it to be there where and how we observe it.

An object does not exist independently of its observer! So, as you can see, your observation, your attention to something, and your intention, literally creates that thing.

This is scientific and proven.

Your world is made of spirit, mind and body.

Each of those three, spirit, mind and body, has a function that is unique to it and not shared with the other. What you see with your eyes and experience with your body is the physical world, which we shall call Body. Body is an effect, created by a cause.

This cause is Thought.

Body cannot create. It can only experience and be experienced … that is its unique function.

Thought cannot experience … it can only make up, create and interpret. It needs a world of relativity (the physical world, Body) to experience itself.

Spirit is All That Is, that which gives Life to Thought and Body.

Body has no power to create, although it gives the illusion of power to do so. This illusion is the cause of much frustration. Body is purely an effect and has no power to cause or create.

The key with all of this information is how do you learn to see the universe differently than you do now so that you can manifest everything you truly desire.

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THOUGHTS: ALL ABOUT WORRY

It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because if you have no control over them, it makes no sense to worry about them

It makes no sense to worry about things you do have control over because if you got control over them, it makes no sense to worry about them

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POETRY: REMEMBERING THE GOOD TIMES

Too much wine tonight,
too much time today,
to think,
to realise,
that I never really you knew you at all- did I?
this is the last good-bye,
I have no more time to waste,
already too much has gone.

The presence of you,
the thoughts of you,
linger tonight in my mind,
rekindled today
no,
not that,
never again that.

Remembering some of the good times,
all day I thought of you.

We spoke today after a very long time,
it was only the thread of the last memory of you,
that kept me on the line to you at the time,
you brought back these memories.

But again
to realise,
that I never really you knew you at all- did I?
this is the last good-bye

For a moment I missed you,
wanted to see you again,
wanted you back with me,
but no that was just a memory,
not even with this amount of wine,
do I want this memory, or you back in my life.

The wine closes my eyes for a moment,
a small cool breeze touches my face,
the beginning of winter,
also the time we meet, so long ago now,
what a strange coincidence
that you should call this day,
I?ve never been good at remembering dates or,
Anniversaries, but is this why you called,
is this our day our anniversary?
Nothing to eat today since you called,
we spoke,
the wine is adding to the emptiness inside me,
a sort of dry numbness.

We had history,
a long time together,
the love so short
you and I,
however you left so quickly, not a word of truth,
did you speak to me at the time,
no, I realise you did not lie to me,
your real plans, hidden from me,
preparing to leave,
a coldness, that edge in your voice,
sharp towards me,
where once you were so warm,
especially in winter,
an indifference grew in you so quickly,
readying yourself at the time,
steeling yourself,
wanting to fight and argue with me,
trying to give yourself a reason to go,
an excuse, yes, now I see that,

No, I don?t fight, I never will,
just had to give me the truth.

This truth

that I never really you knew you at all- did I?
this is the last good-bye, now.


From here, this place,
I can see all the stars in the night sky,
Suns, powerful engines,
ours keeps this small planet alive,
heat and light give life and, in reality,
not all those bright dots are still active,
still alive, the light takes so long to reach us,
some are already dead, their heat exhausted,
extinguished in this ?real? time.

I failed to see,
the fire and passion in you had been spent,
your love for me also exhausted.

Another glass of wine, my head is swimming,
alcohol and visions,
take hold some more

Somehow you managed to slip under my guard,
back then, did you hope to do it again?
is that why you called?
I let you in- didn?t I, subconsciously,
making me care about you,
soft and warm, tender,
so warm
as it suited you.

Climbed over the walls,
built to protect me,
even managed to make me believe I loved you,
tricked me so easily,
to keep you company,
wasting my time,
time I will never see again.

Was I blind or just gullible?
I felt for you, I hurt so much, for so long,
I felt sorry for you- wanted to look after you,
as my feeling grew,
so did your indifference towards me,
had me there in the palm of your hand,
my heat, my heart all yours.

At that point you no longer wanted it,
the challenge for you was also gone,
I would have given you anything I could,
I would have done anything for you,
You needed to but ask me.

Reaching out to you,
all I received was rejection,
slapping my hand away,
and with your small hand,
crushed my heart at the same time,
my love for you was full.

All those time?s I held you,
loved you, it's all I wanted in return.
The truth, becoming apparent,
I should have seen it all from the start,
but I believed in you,
believed in your soul, your warm heart,
the one you showed me at the start, but,
you turned your face from mine.

Again this realisation,

that I never really you knew you at all- did I?
the time was here to say good-bye.

And good-bye it was the last one, the last time.

Sadness for what seemed to be such a long time,
after you, these thoughts of you that this wine,
brings back to me now once again.

Thoughts of the hopelessness of love,
that time back then, lost hope,
lost the desire.
So I imagined, but now,

now I know someone else,
a beautiful soul,
she saw my face and looked into my eyes,
she feels the weight of me there, in her eyes,
sees me, who I truly am,
touch?s me like no other before,
the fire inside me restarted, passion,
so much more than ever before

I miss my love more than I ever saw you,
once, just once I cried for you,
shed tears for your name, spoke it in my dreams,
now I know the love of the most beautiful heart,
I have ever know, and I have cried for knowing her.

So much wine tonight, way too much,
so much time to think,
to contemplate, the conclusion.


2

one day i was sitting waiting for an absolute 
that i would get a love of my dreams and that same day 
i went walking down a secret path that i thought i only knew 
but i guess i was wrong for that day that i was walking 
down the path there was a girl that was so beautiful 
i knew she was sent to me from heaven and with her angel 
glowing beauty i was quickly drawn to her love wishing 
and hoping and wishing for her love she passed by 
our eyes caught a gaze at each other's eyes as if we knew 
each other for ever and then i would ask her is heaven beautiful 
and if she asks why i ask that i would tell her 'cause you are 
the heavenly angel that just caught my heart.

POETRY: MY LOVE ...YOU ARE MY INSPIRATION

I compare you- not to the notebooks
that portray my intricate writings,
Nor to the pen I so religiously hold within my hand.
You are much like the shiny ink
that touches the sadness in my mind.

You are heartfelt perception, silent serenity,
warmth, and understanding-
An outstretched hand when my pen has forsaken me,
Kind words of freedom when darkness clouds my mind.
When I think of you my pen becomes immortal
and my paper, content.


2

My Love, you are my inspiration
the one I truly adore
your voice and what you say
always makes me wanting more
I have so much love for you
It's hard to explain
everything about you is like a dream

My Love, you are my future
the one I want
your thoughts and your care
makes you so special to my heart

My Love, I love you so much
nothing will ever change that
I can't wait to spend my life with you
to have you by my side
Forever and ever, Always


3


It's hard to love someone,
but it's harder to find someone who will love you,
Love can be so ineffable,
that no word could even describe why it is incredible,
Love is still a mystery,
no one can explain why losing love can be a misery,
Love is just a feeling,
but everyone treats it like its a "thing",
Love is as exciting as being a millionaire,
but love can also be as devastating as losing your friend,
It is so hard to let go of someone you really love,
but it is harder trying to forget about the person you loved,
Love is susceptible to any human's looks,
it can be prevented if you're willing to love someone not for their looks,
If you love someone,
don't say "I LOVE YOU!",
but instead say "I NEED YOU!",
It takes a nice person to love someone,
but it takes a real person to love someone for who they are inside.



4


You ask my feelings about you
it is hard to define
I know people like you
come only once in a lifetime.
I dream of the sensation
one day your heart and mine,
to feel the deep penetration
of two hearts combined.
::::
You ask my feelings about you
I'll do the best job I can
to tell you how much I care about you
and to make you understand.
When I am with you,
a feeling is inside
a feeling that warms my heart,
my soul, my mind.
::::
You ask my feelings about you
I'm trying to make you see
if you'll be there for me,
I'll be there for you, unconditionly.
Because you see,
That's how it's got to be
with in do time developing
emotionaly, mentally, and physically.
::::
You ask my feelings about you
I need to know how you feel every day
I'll do the same
so we don't push one another away.
::::
You ask my feelings about you
well, it is very true
I want you to understand
I DO care for you...



5

How do you tell someone
 who is everything to you,
  "thanks?"

How do explain things
 that are so deeply felt?

How do you define
 a shift of the soul?

We are not of the same blood yet,
 we are bound.

The dictionary
 is full of useless adjectives.

So,
 I will say,
  you are my breath,
   my heart,
    my life.


6

My love for you
rolls on for an eternity.
It is like a never ending story
written just for you.

My love for you
is like the sky.
It goes on and on.
Everyday I look to the sky
and all I think about is you.

My love for you
will always hold a place in my heart.
It will always be special to me
because it never ends, it only grows deeper,
as each day passes.


7

Love can be shown in so many ways,
Physically, emotionally, and with the soul.
But love means the most with just spending precious time together,
Holding one another and whispering those sweet thoughts of forever.
Sometimes a solid hug touches the heart so much more
Than anything ever has before.
Sometimes just gazing into the eyes of your love
Makes you feel more special than you've ever dreamed of.
Just that one laugh, that one talk, that one smile
Is worth missing those physical things,
And it makes your love so much more worthwhile.
Just think with that one kiss, 
What you could miss...
You could miss an emotional conversation, tons of laughs, and genuine smiles.
But whether you express your love physically, emtionally, or with your soul,
Make sure that you mean it, 
And that the one you express it to makes you feel whole

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PERSONAL: WHY GUYS DON'T DATE STRONG WOMAN AND WHAT THEY REALLY WANT

If an amazing woman like could be single, there must be something wrong with men. What she doesn’t acknowledge is that despite her impressive credentials – attractive, successful, intelligent – she might not be giving men what THEY WANT.When a man goes out with a woman, he’s not as concerned with whether she’s articulate and on track to make partner at the law firm.  Men DO value intelligence, but they also want from their girlfriend what they CAN’T get from their business associates. Warmth, affection, nurturing, thoughtfulness. If he finds himself constantly hearing all the things he needs to change, he may just determine that he wants a bright woman who is less challenging. Not a Stepford Wife. Not a bimbo. Not a maid. Just someone who makes his life EASIER and more pleasant. huge reason 

Count me against the men who ADORE strong, independent, intellligent women. But also count me as someone who finds many of them can’t get out of their professional shells when dating. From my own experience a reasonable number of professional women have a tough time letting their hair down and when with them seem to feel as if I were attending a 24 hour Martha Stewart festival. Now, the professional women who are genuine, authentic, intelligent, DOWN TO EARTH, affectionate, caring, nurturing, supportive and fun to be with…that’s an irresistible combination in my view! Heck, ANY woman with those qualities is worth keeping! Who wants to date a woman who doesn’t know when to turn it off? Leave the schmoozing, manipulating, ego stroking, best-foot-foward tactics at the office and try to connect as a real person. This is a skill that many successful, strong, intelligent women have not mastered. For this reason a lot of guys date economically disadvataged and sometimes uneducated women, many of them immigrants. Why?.. becuase what’s important to them are the values and principles concerning relationships they bring to the table. Most people who do not know me well, when they observe this they think that it is because I prefer subservient women whom I can control and manipulate easily. Not so! I just realized they if what is most important to me in a relationship is warmth, caring, sensitivity, well defined roles, etc., that I need to look at the real person, not their financial achievments and professional skills. Here’s a thought: Could it be that many highly educated, intelligent, successful people be emotionally ignorant?

In the final analysis the size of the pocketbook, the position in the boardroom, the model of the car does absolutely nothing to make a woman appealing. Is she fun? Does she let her hair down? Is she open to actually getting her jeans dirty during a vigorous, picturesque hike? Does she relish it when I play with her hair, or moan it’s no longer perfect? Does she set aside some time to actually listen to me, or is she answering her email, texts and cell phone calls constantly? Is she affectionate, or is she always in professional form even when away from the office? Is she secure enough in herself to date men who may not fit her “ideal” as far as their own professional stature, weight, height, etc., is concerned, or does she limit her choices to men with very narrow external preferences? Is she open to more than the missionary position and mind blowing oral sex and great fun in bed, or mechanical and routine? Will she at least pretend she loves giving oral sex and moan every once in awhile, or is she real quiet and making it obvious it’s a chore? Can she handle it when I am being just a guy, or judgmental on every small detail? Is she incessantly reminding me about my flaws, or actually gets a kick out of them? Does she realize sex is a great way to get intimate with a man, even through we know intimacy is a great way for a man to have sex with a woman, but will indulge me nevertheless since sex is on our minds 23.99 hours of the day? Is she on a constant search for clothes and material improvement, or will she actually attend an event with me she may not like?

Any time I hear a woman say that she thinks that she “intimidates” men due to her education, career, demeanor or looks I can immediately pick out at least 5 other, more tangible, reasons for why she has a hard time connecting with men.Hear this: Men are NOT intimidated by a strong, independent, successful and/or outspoken. They are, however, completely turned off by a ball buster. Many women failt to see that line between being outgoing and aggressive, confident and arrogant, outspoken and opinionated.

The key to any good relationship is a willingness to be vulnerable and to submit. It’s the key to flirting. Somebody has to lead or else you’ll both be stepping on each other’s toes throughout the whole song. There’s a reason why two magnets, when positioned the same way directly at each other, repel and why, if you turn one of the magnets 180 degrees, they click.Women with a distinctive male energy often confuse men. Sure, they can visually see she’s a female, but all of her non-verbal cues (posture, facial expressions, tone of voice) are distinctly male. That confuses the male brain and can trick the brain into treating you and “seeing” you as a male. The same can be said for women when dealing with a “nice guy.” They’re “seeing” his female energy – the submissive, demure, vulnerable part of him. That’s why they’re not attracted to them.

You’re undoubtedly a great catch. You can teach us a thing or two. You are a go-getter and worthy of everyone’s respect. But if that go-getter side ends up emasculating your man, or makes him feel insignificant, or second-guessed, he’s not really getting what he wants out of a partner. Men want to feel masculine. . This doesn’t mean you should play dumb, or be weak and needy, no more than the nice guy should start acting like a jackass. It might mean, however, turning off some of the things that make you “successful” at work. This is a bitter pill to swallow, perhaps even a double standard. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that “hard-driving, opinionated, and meticulous” are not on most men’s lists of ideal feminine traits.

It’s not a matter of giving anything up, or altering who you are in any fundamental way. It’s a matter of accepting that “He wants to be the boy” on dates, and letting him, for the sake of nurturing that spark that’s so critical to success in romantic relationships. If you want to go on “being the man” regardless, hey — more power to ya. Date guys who are dreamers and have no drive, who like to nest and pick out wallpaper (or sit home and drink all day and watch sports on T.V. instead of working for a living). They will savor be taken care of while you go out and slay those dragons to put meat on the table. If you truly are a masculine energy woman, things should work out great. If not… at some point you will burn out, feel drained and start resenting your man for not slaying a few damn dragons himself once in a while. Yes, you can kill your own spiders in the bathroom at 3 a.m., you’ve done it forever, but doggone it, wouldn’t it be nice if someone ELSE took over sometimes? Unfortunately, that’s the point at which conflict starts… it’s not what either of you signed up for, so you both wind up miserable.

You need to look at what you are saying. You want to be smart and driven and have a career, which is fine. You want a man who is smart and driven and has a career. This is fine too.The problem is you want both of these things. Putting two smart successful driven people together is like putting two alpha dogs in a cage. They are not going to get along. If one of the people in a relationship is a rock, the other has to be softer, or the relationship wont work.Women always write off men who are gentle and nurturing. Always. Do most men want to be the leader?  Yes.  Why?  They saw this work for their parents and grandparents.  But what about it worked? First, my father and grandfathers were not tyrants.  It was not their way or the highway.  They did not even reserve the position of calling the shots in every situation.

A good example.  I was dating a girl who was more than willing to allow me to lead in most situations.  I like to go to garage sales, but rarely do it.  However, she was a pro at it.  So when she said she wanted to do it, we made plans and early that morning, I cooked breakfast while she made a list of places to go and mapped it out on google maps.  When we walked out to my truck, i handed her the keys and said, “Lead the way.”  It was early in the relationship and so I am sure she was not totally sure what to expect from me, so she was a bit surprised, and i could see that that one little thing made her happy.  It’s called respect.  She felt respected and appreciated for what she brought to the table.  Do you think a man won’t react the same way?  Nobody says you have to stay with a tyrant, and in fact, every sane man on this site would tell you to get away from a tyrant.  I won’t live with a woman who is. Guys like myself want one part of their life where we don’t have to compete.  Men are sick and tired of relationships being power struggles.  Every woman I was in a relationship with who said they wanted it to be an equal partnership, it always felt like a power struggle.  In every case, it was her way or the highway.  If she ever relented and allowed me to have my way, I was made to pay dearly for it.  And it was also held over my head constantly.  No thank you.  It simply works better when one person is the default leader,but is also kind and loving in doing so, and is also wise enough to understand when it is better to temporarily relinquish that position.The point is, just because you give up that responsibility and put it on the man, and he turns out to be abusive in that role, you do not have to stay with him.  If men were consistently being given that opportunity, they would rise to the challenge. 

FROM A FAN: DATING IS BAD FOR WOMAN AS WELL

I have spent a lot of time being both incredibly admired and incredibly lonely. In my lifetime I have never had a man pursue me or ask me on a date. I have always been the initiator. Contrast that to the fact that most people in my life have in some way, shape, or form told me I was attractive. The argument therefore goes that men are intimidated by me and thus do not ask me out. Heard that one more times than I count – “You are intelligent, strong, beautiful, sexy, and successful – that is scary to men.” In my head, I call bull every time and finally I decided to take it out of my head and into reality. I asked my friends just to be truthful with me – tell me I am hideous or stink, or whatever it is that is proving a man repellant. To that, they invariably repeat, “You are intelligent, strong, beautiful, sexy, and successful – that is scary to men.”

The funny thing is, it really doesn’t make a darned bit of difference. I could be stinky, disgusting, and hideous, or I could be gorgeous, awesome, and intimidating. The net effect to me is the same. I am alone. I will readily admit before I am asked, that yes – I can get laid. And I have. When the loneliness is too much and I am craving human touch to feel like I even exist, there are any number of men willing to step in and give me an evening of…human touch. Some of them have even mastered making it feel meaningful despite their intent to go home and forget I ever existed until the next time I am so desperate that any human contact will do…and I call.

So why am I writing to you? Because many of you think this is proof that women have it easier than you. I want you to know that there are women like me that don’t post because you think this. Instead, we sit and internalize. We wonder why if we are supposed to have it so easy there is no one there. We wonder if this means we are defective and why we don’t experience the life so many assume we have. 

And we also know that if we show our desperation and despair we will either be called out by some of the guys here who think we should be happy because we can get laid, or even more painful – demonized by the stronger better versions of ourselves that post here telling us to suck it up and say “Next” when the men we want don’t want us back.

Honestly, I wish I was that woman. I wish I had the strength of character that several of the strong female posters here have to not let the constant loneliness tear me apart. Or at least that I possessed the ability to enjoy a one night stand as so many men seem to think would make it all better. As it stands, I spend my life devoid of intimate male contact until the pain of being alone trumps the inevitable pain I know I will experience when my lover for the night decides never to call me again. Here me – I do actually know that will happen – I am not stupid or deluded by the players. I know each time I engage in "sex with the ex" that it will not change a damned thing about him not wanting me as anything more than a booty call. So when I do call, it is because the pain of loneliness in the present moment has overcome the pain of what I know the next day will bring.

I just hoped it would finally dawn on some of the men here that being a single woman is not a cake walk - that we are lonely and hurting and desperate. Yes, I said it. I admit it. I am desperate…and afraid. This is what drives me to do the things you all call stupid and silly. Unfortunately, each time I give in to the pain for momentary surcease, I am simply reminded that I am and will only ever be - a phuk. I am also posting for the other women who might feel as I do, that they must be broken or worthless because no one seems to want to love them...and are too afraid to admit that frankly, they do need it to feel complete. We do need to be held, and cherished, and adored but somehow our society has warped this into embarrassment and shame. 

I am standing up and confessing, I am not immune to the desire and the need for connection - connection with a man.I mentioned earlier that I had as of late been on a mission to understand why I was not loved or chased, even though I do get admired. I actually did finally get my answer. It came in the form of a candid friend/lover when I asked him directly to tell me why I wasn’t loved or apparently why I could never be loved. To his credit, as uncomfortable as it might have been for him, he looked me dead in the eyes and finally told me the truth, a truth so many others have danced around and in doing so, confirmed a thought I had begun to form. I am, as I stand today, actually unlovable. 

All my life I have been taught to be strong, to be confident, and to succeed in a man’s world and how to not bend in the face of adversity so that I could do so. And truly – I am that...and I have succeeded in a career dominated by the boys club. Unfortunately, the very traits that have made me successful have also doomed me to a lifetime without love. My friend/lover told me that it is evident to all the men in my circle that I have a “sword and shield” at the ready at all times – and while they respect it, admire it, and yield to it, they will not love it. 

In other words, I am, for all intents and purposes, a man. Since I am attractive and by appearance female, they can get past this long enough to sleep with me, but they will never be inspired to be with me, to champion me, to love me...as that, my sword and shield will handle without them.

Meanwhile, after periods of celibacy and no human touch, I turn in desperation to a single night. A night that yes I can have with many or perhaps any of them. A night that provides a momentary salve to the pain of loneliness but then adds molten silver to the sword and shield I will inevitably carry the next day.

I guess my point to my single brethren is – never assume. Never assume the single (even if hot) girl is not desperate. Never assume that she dates continuously and simply picks and chooses between the men throwing themselves at her feet. For every assumption you make, I guarantee there is at least one counterpoint in the form of a woman like me. One who feels the loneliness you feel and doesn’t post for fear of being picked apart – either because she can “at least get laid” or because she knows her sistren will tell her “ to buck up and not need a man for happiness” – which when done, simply adds to the self-perpetuating shield that causes her to never have the love for which she actually yearns.

I am tired of being quiet. I am tired of being misunderstood. I am tired of not admitting that I need to be seen, to be loved, to be cherished. I am tired of living a life where I am lauded for my strength and in parallel missing out on the one thing I want most. All of my matched up girlfriends tell me how great they think I am and wish they had my strength. Then they go home to the men that adore them and I go home to my dog and a computer screen. So yes, I can get laid, and yes I am just as desperate as the men here that can’t. So we have come full circle. Assumptions about the easy life of at least one single woman are both completely true, and completely ridiculous.

DATING:HERE IS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ALL THE GOOD MEN

So what we have learned, is that women who poses all of the power and sexual currency, are actually pretty horrendous human beings on top of it? Shocking.

The divorce rates are as higher as ever and largely initiated by women, and not for abuse of infidelity, but frivolous reasons. They cna and do simply move on to the next guy, or simply live content to be alone, which they are generally much better at doing, especially when there reproductive capacity is quite over.

We are now finding studies which also show that women are now cheating more than men as well. So we have a population of entitled women with ever expanding lists of expectations who feel no shame in ruining a generation of men.

Women are shocked to find that men become bitter, and simply don’t bother anymore, and therefor they shouldn’t be shocked with not getting picked. Well, it turns out they have real reasons for said bitterness, because of what your fellow women have done to them. Sure there are exceptions on both sides, but the data is in.

Women want alpha males, and they also are more shallow and cheat more. Awesome. What we also find, is that men are far far far more forgiving about income and “acheivement”. As if having a peice of paper that says you know how to be taught what to think and take tests from a school is a sign of intelligence.  Surveys and studies have shown successful men like and in many cases seek out women of lesser means, as they tend to not be ball busting  “ambitious/driven” women who obsess over careerism, money, and superficiality.

We find that even the most liberal ball busting lefty left feminists who espouse how they are fine if there man makes less, or isn’t in some fancy job, will often feel bitter, resentful, or unattracted  over time and leave or cheat on said man. The double standard is intense.

Women are valued for who they are, men are valued for what they can do, their utility, essentially. Men make up the majority of the homeless now, and have a 4-6x time rate of suicide, which comes as no surprise really given the societal shift that has happened. If you take an equally unattractive woman and man and put them in a public space long enough, the woman will always, ALWAYS, get more suitors than the guy. Please tell me how that’s fair.

It has and always will be an uphill battle for men, especially in an economy and culture that has so eviscerated everything that it means to be a guy. Men have become disposable and marginalized, and women have become entitled and narcissistic.

If you are ever wondering what happened to the good men? What happened to them especially as they age? You need not look to them for your cause, look at your fellow ladies who ruined them for you. The data doesn’t lie.

WOMAN ARE JUT CRAZY

Do you want to remain single or be in a relationship? Do you want to start a family and have kids or do you still want to hang out with your friends? Do you want to be loved and treated well or do you want to keep giving and get nothing back? It all up to you. Most woman take the latter.Weird..isn't it? I think so. They are holding out for what?  I could have kids until i am in my 80s, most woman have until 37, but they don't get it. We live in crazy times. 

I read — and have read — A LOT of women’s profiles — and most women seem to be describing — in terms of looks — the SAME guy — a very George Clooney / Jon Hamm type guy — 6 feet plus, head of hair (no matter what age), athletic, handsome (“I want to feel goosebumps when he walks into a room” etc.).I live on the Westside of LA and I rarely, rarely see any guys who come close to that type — I just came back from NYC and didn’t see any guys who looked like that“women rate 80% of all men as below average-looking” shows women as pretty brainless – dumb chicks cannot even divide 100 by 2 without getting an 80 – so on the surface, it is easy to laugh off.

Maybe something’s just wrong with me? Generally speaking, if someone is interested in me and seems to have enough in common with me (in terms of future plans, beliefs, morals, et al), I’ll go out with her. I’ve never turned someone down for a date unless the woman made me feel uncomfortable, initially (and maybe that wasn’t fair of me, I’ll admit).

None of the woman I’ve dated look anything like one another, as I’m not so much interested in a “look” or a “type” as I am who they are. I’d rather be with a good hearted, fun loving, respectful caring woman — and ifs he happens to be a 9 or 10, whatever. I’m not all that pressed.