Until we met...
I knew a rose was lovely, but i didn't know how sweet
its' scent could be...
I knew there was sunshine, but i didn't know how warm
its' glow could be...
I knew i needed someone, but i didn't know how much
Until i met you...
2
the love i feel for her is an emotion
that comes from my heart without explanation, reason or cause,
without words from her mouth or movement of her body
my love constantly grows.
it's an overwhelming emotional feeling that comes over me
whenever she's with me or when she crosses my mind,
whenever we are together, time could stand still
because the love i feel for her is timeless, forever
always in my heart without end
the love i feel for her terrifies me at times,
knowing the friend i might lose in hope of something more,
so i keep the love that i feel for her hidden in the shadows
of my heart for i would rather love in secret
than to have lost what i have already found.
the love i feel for her is so stong i find myself trembling
with anticipation for tender loving touch or some softly
spoken words from her lips that would tell me that she knows
the love i feel for her.
3
I'll always need you,
Your love, your kindness, your smile.
One look from you can turn black into bright colours,
Dark clouds into a sunny day,
in my mind.
What do people see when they see us?
do they actually understand?
or do they only half understand and pretend to know the rest?
I don't think anyone can understand our feelings,
or atleast know the extent of our love.
A love that I can feel and follows me for my own comfort,
Even when you aren't around i can feel you with me.
For you are the one love of my life,
my heart has never felt like it does with you before,
and I can't live without your love,
I'll always need you.
4
Love is the feeling of joy you experience when
you are with the person of your dreams,
Love is when you look into someone?s eyes and
get a feeling of warmth and comfort,
Love is the feeling of care and comfort
from someone you are close with,
Love is slowly walking hand in hand with
the person of your dreams,
Love is what everyone dreams of
having when they are alone,
Love is thinking of each other
when you are apart,
Love is the feeling that you
are never alone,
Love is happiness through
someone else,
Love is thinking of
each other,
Love is smiling at
each other,
Love is eternal
happiness,
Love is forever,
Love is what I feel for you.
Monday, September 15, 2014
ARTICLE: Which ‘MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT’ couples found wedded bliss? By Andrea Morabito NY POST
After five weeks of marriage documented over 10 episodes, Tuesday night’s finale of the FYI reality series “Married at First Sight” finally revealed which couples chose to stay together and which called it quits.
The extreme social experiment had complete strangers meet at the altar and marry without knowing anything about their spouses — only that they had been matched together by a panel of experts.
In the end, two marriages — Doug Hehner and Jamie Otis’ as well as Jason Carrion and Cortney Hendrix’s — had a happy ending, while Monet Bell and Vaughn Copeland opted for a divorce.
Surprisingly, immediate physical attraction at the altar didn’t necessarily determine wedded bliss. Otis, who was openly not attracted to her groom on their wedding day, is now deeply in love with Hehner, while Bell and Copeland, who consummated their marriage on their wedding night, found that sparks didn’t equal lasting chemistry.
In advance of the two-hour reunion special, “Married at First Sight: Six Months Later,” airing Sept. 16 at 9 p.m., the three couples open up to The Post about their experience on the reality series and their lives since the cameras stopped rolling.
Jamie Otis & Doug Hehner
Modal Trigger
Appearance wasn’t everything for Otis and Hehner.Photo: Richard Knapp/FYI
Jamie Otis, 27, a labor and delivery nurse from Harlem, had a rough upbringing in trailer parks and found herself dating the wrong men. Doug Hehner, 31, a commercial sales rep, was living with his parents in New Jersey and was tired of being the last single guy in his group of friends. But after getting off to a rocky start — Otis initially rejected him as unattractive and Hehner lied to her about his smoking habit — there was nowhere to go but up.
The experiment forced the couple to confront difficult issues — from tackling housing and finances to articulating their values — early on.
And that, they say, was the key to their eventual success.
“We got a chance to really figure each other out mentally and emotionally, and the physical part, it obviously comes around,” Hehner tells The Post. “Between the experts and the experiment, we took care of two years of getting to know each other [in five weeks].”
How sweet is this honeymoon kiss w my hub! 😘❤ #MarreidAtFirstSight @DougHehner@MafolieHotel #StThomas #TakeMeThere pic.twitter.com/2RKW7MKGYI
— Jamie N. Otis (@jamienotis) September 5, 2014
“We already knew the worst of each other,” adds Otis. “Now we’re absolutely in love and definitely going to be staying together, and I couldn’t be happier.”
Though the two still hadn’t had sex by the end of the experiment, Otis said Hehner’s patience made him more attractive. (The two have since consummated the relationship.) “The fact that Doug never, ever pressured me . . . that was by far the hottest trait,” she says.
Otis has also been accepted by Hehner’s family, who were initially skeptical of the former “Bachelor” contestant’s reality-show past.
The couple is living in Washington Heights but looking for a place in New Jersey closer to Hehner’s job and family, as they think about starting a family of their own. “We both envision children in the future — possibly in the near future,” Hehner says.
Cortney Hendrix & Jason Carrion
Modal Trigger
Hendrix and Carrion wasted no time getting to know one another.Photo: Richard Knapp/FYI
Jason Carrion, 27, an EMT from Brooklyn, was a relationship guy but dating women he knew weren’t a good match for him. Cortney Hendrix, 26, moved to Manhattan from North Carolina and was working as a makeup artist, but was unlucky in love, dating a string of boyfriends who cheated on her. The youngest couple on the show, they had immediate chemistry — and still do.
“We’ve gotten a lot closer,” says Carrion, who told his wife he loved her a few weeks after filming ended. “I gave her my heart, and since then everything has been perfect.”
The newlyweds moved into an apartment in Park Slope, and Hendrix’s parents — who refused to attend the wedding — have grown to accept the marriage, and are planning a couple’s shower in North Carolina for them.
“They call him their son-in-law,” she says. “He’s 100 percent part of my family.”
While Carrion’s mother — who had terminal cancer during the filming — passed away a few months ago, his wife did get to meet her the night before she died. “She was able to leave peacefully because she knew her son was going to be taken care of,” Hendrix says.
Their biggest challenge during the show was meshing their hectic schedules, which have only intensified now that Carrion is in the Fire Academy. But the two have cut back on their extracurriculars — she took a break from burlesque, he wrestles less often — to focus on spending time together.
“When everything is over with Fire Academy . . . we want to go on vacation and just be together,” says Carrion.
Monet Bell & Vaughn Copeland
Modal Trigger
Bell and Copeland had a communication breakdown during the experiment.Photo: Richard Knapp/FYI
Monet Bell, 33, a fashion product development manager from Harlem, had been single for five years despite her online dating efforts. Vaughn Copeland, 30, an industrial technician from New Jersey, was ready to settle down after spending 11 years in the military and five years in a long-distance relationship. Though they instantly hit it off, the couple are now filing for divorce.
The pair had immediate physical chemistry, but communication problems plagued them from the start — even on their honeymoon. When Copeland felt like Bell wasn’t paying enough attention to him on their Puerto Rican getaway, he withdrew his affection, refusing to hold her hand and putting her on the defensive.
“Behind the scenes, when cameras were not on . . . we had a major disconnect,” Copeland says. “We really didn’t even end up getting to like each other as friends.”
The two didn’t talk much after breaking up at the end of the five-week experiment, but finally apologized for their roles in the failure of their marriage after filming the reunion special last month. For instance, Bell admitted she could have made more of an effort to fulfill Copeland’s wish to have a wife who cooks, instead of just being angry about it.
“Since [then], there really aren’t hard feelings, we just weren’t a good match,” Copeland says. “We squashed the beef, hugged it out and we’re friends.”
Neither has started dating (they couldn’t begin the divorce process until the show finished airing), and while both want to get married again, they realize this experience will follow them.
“It’s sad. I didn’t sign up to get a divorce,” Bell says.
Copeland, too, admits his failed TV marriage could make future relationships more challenging. Still, he’s optimistic.
“The person I settle down with, when they really hear my side of it, they’ll know that I did this for pure intentions — to find love and find somebody I could be married to,” he says.
And both husband and wife say they have no regrets.
“It taught me some aspects about myself that I don’t think I would have learned if the social experiment wasn’t so extreme,” Bell tells The Post. “I think I’m a better woman and, in the future, will be a better wife.”
Since the split, Copeland is back living in New Jersey, and going to school part-time for a bachelor’s degree in electronic engineering technology, while Bell is writing a book — a humorous take on her dating experiences in New York.
The extreme social experiment had complete strangers meet at the altar and marry without knowing anything about their spouses — only that they had been matched together by a panel of experts.
In the end, two marriages — Doug Hehner and Jamie Otis’ as well as Jason Carrion and Cortney Hendrix’s — had a happy ending, while Monet Bell and Vaughn Copeland opted for a divorce.
Surprisingly, immediate physical attraction at the altar didn’t necessarily determine wedded bliss. Otis, who was openly not attracted to her groom on their wedding day, is now deeply in love with Hehner, while Bell and Copeland, who consummated their marriage on their wedding night, found that sparks didn’t equal lasting chemistry.
In advance of the two-hour reunion special, “Married at First Sight: Six Months Later,” airing Sept. 16 at 9 p.m., the three couples open up to The Post about their experience on the reality series and their lives since the cameras stopped rolling.
Jamie Otis & Doug Hehner
Modal Trigger
Appearance wasn’t everything for Otis and Hehner.Photo: Richard Knapp/FYI
Jamie Otis, 27, a labor and delivery nurse from Harlem, had a rough upbringing in trailer parks and found herself dating the wrong men. Doug Hehner, 31, a commercial sales rep, was living with his parents in New Jersey and was tired of being the last single guy in his group of friends. But after getting off to a rocky start — Otis initially rejected him as unattractive and Hehner lied to her about his smoking habit — there was nowhere to go but up.
The experiment forced the couple to confront difficult issues — from tackling housing and finances to articulating their values — early on.
And that, they say, was the key to their eventual success.
“We got a chance to really figure each other out mentally and emotionally, and the physical part, it obviously comes around,” Hehner tells The Post. “Between the experts and the experiment, we took care of two years of getting to know each other [in five weeks].”
How sweet is this honeymoon kiss w my hub! 😘❤ #MarreidAtFirstSight @DougHehner@MafolieHotel #StThomas #TakeMeThere pic.twitter.com/2RKW7MKGYI
— Jamie N. Otis (@jamienotis) September 5, 2014
“We already knew the worst of each other,” adds Otis. “Now we’re absolutely in love and definitely going to be staying together, and I couldn’t be happier.”
Though the two still hadn’t had sex by the end of the experiment, Otis said Hehner’s patience made him more attractive. (The two have since consummated the relationship.) “The fact that Doug never, ever pressured me . . . that was by far the hottest trait,” she says.
Otis has also been accepted by Hehner’s family, who were initially skeptical of the former “Bachelor” contestant’s reality-show past.
The couple is living in Washington Heights but looking for a place in New Jersey closer to Hehner’s job and family, as they think about starting a family of their own. “We both envision children in the future — possibly in the near future,” Hehner says.
Cortney Hendrix & Jason Carrion
Modal Trigger
Hendrix and Carrion wasted no time getting to know one another.Photo: Richard Knapp/FYI
Jason Carrion, 27, an EMT from Brooklyn, was a relationship guy but dating women he knew weren’t a good match for him. Cortney Hendrix, 26, moved to Manhattan from North Carolina and was working as a makeup artist, but was unlucky in love, dating a string of boyfriends who cheated on her. The youngest couple on the show, they had immediate chemistry — and still do.
“We’ve gotten a lot closer,” says Carrion, who told his wife he loved her a few weeks after filming ended. “I gave her my heart, and since then everything has been perfect.”
The newlyweds moved into an apartment in Park Slope, and Hendrix’s parents — who refused to attend the wedding — have grown to accept the marriage, and are planning a couple’s shower in North Carolina for them.
“They call him their son-in-law,” she says. “He’s 100 percent part of my family.”
While Carrion’s mother — who had terminal cancer during the filming — passed away a few months ago, his wife did get to meet her the night before she died. “She was able to leave peacefully because she knew her son was going to be taken care of,” Hendrix says.
Their biggest challenge during the show was meshing their hectic schedules, which have only intensified now that Carrion is in the Fire Academy. But the two have cut back on their extracurriculars — she took a break from burlesque, he wrestles less often — to focus on spending time together.
“When everything is over with Fire Academy . . . we want to go on vacation and just be together,” says Carrion.
Monet Bell & Vaughn Copeland
Modal Trigger
Bell and Copeland had a communication breakdown during the experiment.Photo: Richard Knapp/FYI
Monet Bell, 33, a fashion product development manager from Harlem, had been single for five years despite her online dating efforts. Vaughn Copeland, 30, an industrial technician from New Jersey, was ready to settle down after spending 11 years in the military and five years in a long-distance relationship. Though they instantly hit it off, the couple are now filing for divorce.
The pair had immediate physical chemistry, but communication problems plagued them from the start — even on their honeymoon. When Copeland felt like Bell wasn’t paying enough attention to him on their Puerto Rican getaway, he withdrew his affection, refusing to hold her hand and putting her on the defensive.
“Behind the scenes, when cameras were not on . . . we had a major disconnect,” Copeland says. “We really didn’t even end up getting to like each other as friends.”
The two didn’t talk much after breaking up at the end of the five-week experiment, but finally apologized for their roles in the failure of their marriage after filming the reunion special last month. For instance, Bell admitted she could have made more of an effort to fulfill Copeland’s wish to have a wife who cooks, instead of just being angry about it.
“Since [then], there really aren’t hard feelings, we just weren’t a good match,” Copeland says. “We squashed the beef, hugged it out and we’re friends.”
Neither has started dating (they couldn’t begin the divorce process until the show finished airing), and while both want to get married again, they realize this experience will follow them.
“It’s sad. I didn’t sign up to get a divorce,” Bell says.
Copeland, too, admits his failed TV marriage could make future relationships more challenging. Still, he’s optimistic.
“The person I settle down with, when they really hear my side of it, they’ll know that I did this for pure intentions — to find love and find somebody I could be married to,” he says.
And both husband and wife say they have no regrets.
“It taught me some aspects about myself that I don’t think I would have learned if the social experiment wasn’t so extreme,” Bell tells The Post. “I think I’m a better woman and, in the future, will be a better wife.”
Since the split, Copeland is back living in New Jersey, and going to school part-time for a bachelor’s degree in electronic engineering technology, while Bell is writing a book — a humorous take on her dating experiences in New York.
ARTICLE: Sens. Warren, Shelby: Criminal bank execs should face arrest By Peter Schroeder -
A bipartisan duo indicated Tuesday that there is broad interest in seeing the government punish individual bank executives, and not just their institutions, for criminal wrongdoing.
Sens. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) and Richard Shelby (R-Ala.) both expressed concern that actions tied to the financial collapse have resulted in fines and settlements but not arrests, suggesting the Senate Banking Committee will be an aggressive force no matter which party controls it after November.
During a hearing with financial regulators, both said that, while the Justice Department has extracted tens of billions of dollars from big banks for misbehavior leading up to the meltdown, they dropped the ball by not pursuing criminal cases against the executives running those banks.
“No corporation can break the law unless the individual within that corporation broke the law,” said Warren. “Not a single senior executive at these banks have been criminally prosecuted.”
Warren has been a longtime advocate for harsher penalties for individual executives, and Shelby jumped into her corner following her remarks.
While he focused much of his criticism on President Obama’s Justice Department, Shelby, too, said it’s only reasonable to expect executives to face charges as well.
“Something’s wrong with the Justice Department. People shouldn’t be able to … buy their way out of culpability,” he said. “I agree with her on that.”
The comments from Shelby are particularly significant. If Republicans take control of the Senate, he is in line to take over the Banking panel as chairman. Shelby previously served as the ranking member on the committee before reaching his term limit at the end of 2012.
He is currently the ranking Republican on the Appropriations Committee, but that gavel is expected to go to Sen. Thad Cochran (R-Miss.) if the Senate flips. That would move Shelby back to lead the Banking Committee, where he would bump aside the current ranking member, Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho).
Warren has long been a big bank critic from the left, and while Shelby is one of the chamber’s more conservative members, he also has been known to criticize the institutions from time to time.
Shelby’s comments suggest that the Banking Committee could end up with a bank critic no matter which party controls the Senate. Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio), a vocal bank critic, could take over as the next top Democrat on the panel, replacing retiring Sen. Tim Johnson (D-S.D.).
The Justice Department has racked up several multibillion dollar settlements with the biggest names in banking for their roles in the financial crisis.
Most recently, Attorney General Eric Holder announced a record $16.6 billion settlement with Bank of America, charging it defrauded investors by selling them securities loaded with risky mortgages. The bank admitted to wrongdoing as part of the settlement.
Holder was quick to point out that the settlement does not preclude future charges against individuals, but six years after the collapse, lawmakers like the two senators are still waiting for results.
“If you steal $100 on Main Street, you’re probably going to jail. If you steal a billion bucks on Wall Street, you darn well better go to jail, too,” said Warren.
At Tuesday’s hearing, Warren asked the regulators gathered if any had referred any specific executives to the Justice Department for criminal prosecution. No regulator volunteered that they had, but Federal Reserve Governor Daniel Tarullo said the regulators provided all relevant information for each particular case.
“We’ve shared all the information that the Department of Justice needed. I think the Justice Department has probably made its own assessment,” he said.
The discussion came amid a hearing devoted to the continued enactment of the Dodd-Frank financial reform law. Regulators said they had finished or were close to finishing nearly all of the major provisions of that 2010 law, and now are turning their efforts to enforcing those rules and monitoring their effectiveness.
At the hearing, both lawmakers and regulators suggested the next Congress could begin a debate on revisiting Dodd-Frank and make some changes, both technical and more substantive.
Tarullo told lawmakers they should consider changing the law to provide more exemptions from its requirements for small banks. And Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va.) said the time might have come for a “fix-it” bill tackling the Wall Street overhaul.
Sens. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) and Richard Shelby (R-Ala.) both expressed concern that actions tied to the financial collapse have resulted in fines and settlements but not arrests, suggesting the Senate Banking Committee will be an aggressive force no matter which party controls it after November.
During a hearing with financial regulators, both said that, while the Justice Department has extracted tens of billions of dollars from big banks for misbehavior leading up to the meltdown, they dropped the ball by not pursuing criminal cases against the executives running those banks.
“No corporation can break the law unless the individual within that corporation broke the law,” said Warren. “Not a single senior executive at these banks have been criminally prosecuted.”
Warren has been a longtime advocate for harsher penalties for individual executives, and Shelby jumped into her corner following her remarks.
While he focused much of his criticism on President Obama’s Justice Department, Shelby, too, said it’s only reasonable to expect executives to face charges as well.
“Something’s wrong with the Justice Department. People shouldn’t be able to … buy their way out of culpability,” he said. “I agree with her on that.”
The comments from Shelby are particularly significant. If Republicans take control of the Senate, he is in line to take over the Banking panel as chairman. Shelby previously served as the ranking member on the committee before reaching his term limit at the end of 2012.
He is currently the ranking Republican on the Appropriations Committee, but that gavel is expected to go to Sen. Thad Cochran (R-Miss.) if the Senate flips. That would move Shelby back to lead the Banking Committee, where he would bump aside the current ranking member, Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho).
Warren has long been a big bank critic from the left, and while Shelby is one of the chamber’s more conservative members, he also has been known to criticize the institutions from time to time.
Shelby’s comments suggest that the Banking Committee could end up with a bank critic no matter which party controls the Senate. Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio), a vocal bank critic, could take over as the next top Democrat on the panel, replacing retiring Sen. Tim Johnson (D-S.D.).
The Justice Department has racked up several multibillion dollar settlements with the biggest names in banking for their roles in the financial crisis.
Most recently, Attorney General Eric Holder announced a record $16.6 billion settlement with Bank of America, charging it defrauded investors by selling them securities loaded with risky mortgages. The bank admitted to wrongdoing as part of the settlement.
Holder was quick to point out that the settlement does not preclude future charges against individuals, but six years after the collapse, lawmakers like the two senators are still waiting for results.
“If you steal $100 on Main Street, you’re probably going to jail. If you steal a billion bucks on Wall Street, you darn well better go to jail, too,” said Warren.
At Tuesday’s hearing, Warren asked the regulators gathered if any had referred any specific executives to the Justice Department for criminal prosecution. No regulator volunteered that they had, but Federal Reserve Governor Daniel Tarullo said the regulators provided all relevant information for each particular case.
“We’ve shared all the information that the Department of Justice needed. I think the Justice Department has probably made its own assessment,” he said.
The discussion came amid a hearing devoted to the continued enactment of the Dodd-Frank financial reform law. Regulators said they had finished or were close to finishing nearly all of the major provisions of that 2010 law, and now are turning their efforts to enforcing those rules and monitoring their effectiveness.
At the hearing, both lawmakers and regulators suggested the next Congress could begin a debate on revisiting Dodd-Frank and make some changes, both technical and more substantive.
Tarullo told lawmakers they should consider changing the law to provide more exemptions from its requirements for small banks. And Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va.) said the time might have come for a “fix-it” bill tackling the Wall Street overhaul.
JOURNAL: SOMETIMES IT'S GREAT TO BE SINGLE.
1. A weekend in which you have no plans, no responsibilities, and nowhere at all to be, ranks as one of the best weekends you’ll ever have.
2. Sometimes friends will try to make plans with you and you have no reason to decline except for the fact that you just want to be alone that day. (Your plan is to have no plans, people need to understand that by now, right?)
3. A good album, book, or television show can keep your attention far longer than any party, club, or bar could.
4. Going away to a remote cabin in the middle of the woods to just exist for a period of time sounds like the best idea for a vacation that you can think of.
5. There is nothing more exciting than planning a long, solo road trip, because you know you’re going to be able to think your thoughts, listen to your music, and play your audiobooks for hours and hours on end. Is there anything better?
6. When people say they can’t eat alone at a restaurant, you’re like, really? That’s one of life’s simple pleasures! Food? Good. A book? Good. No conversation whatsoever? Perfect.
7. The worst trait any potential lover could have is “clingy.” You need your space like you need air to breathe. It’s essential. If they need to be around you all the time? Dealbreaker.
8. Even if you are attached, you carve out hours of alone time just to keep your sanity (and to keep your relationship healthy and happy, too).
9. The only person you’d ever consider marrying would be someone that also loves spending time alone, otherwise that thing’s never going to last.
10. If anyone that knew you were to describe you, one of the words they’d use emphatically to do so is: independent.
11. Your intuition is on point because you spend an insane amount of time alone and cultivating it.
12. While people around you hate being single, you consider it such a joy to be able to be at the whim of your aloneness and this feeling is especially better if you live alone, because you have so much time to do all your little things that you do when nobody is around.
13. You’re always working on a project –usually something artistic– and you start to get antsy if you haven’t been able to work on it for a few days.
14. When you do hang out with people, you prefer seeing them one on one or in a small group. The more intimate and deep the conversation, the better.
15. You are an observer –watching and studying people’s behavior– and, funny enough, are usually quite well-liked, which can serve to be a problem considering how much time you want to spend by yourself.
16. A full day by yourself makes you feel more you than anything at all.
17. You tend to enjoy cold, rainy weather, as it gives you even more of an excuse to hibernate in your home and read, sit by the fire, think, curl up, write in your journal.
18. If you are not thinking about life’s big questions, you must be dead.
19. Because you put a premium on spending time alone, you are more present and attentive when you do spend time with people, because you don’t feel as though you’re missing out on time by yourself.
20. You would much rather go on a hike or go to the beach by yourself than with anyone, which isn’t to say you dislike going with people, it’s just a more engaging experience when you do it alone.
21. Sure, it’s fun to drink wine with friends, but having a bottle of wine to yourself at the end of a long day? 100% perfect paradise heaven.
22. Traveling to a new place by yourself (even if the new place is only ten miles away) is your idea of a great time. You are always either planning a solo adventure, going on a solo adventure, or coming back from one. Experiencing the world through your own eyes without anybody else’s opinion is not just a desire, it’s an essential need of yours.
23. There is absolutely nothing that can touch the feeling of when someone cancels plans on you and you are suddenly left with surprise alone time. You’re all, “Oh good, more time to be with me!” and it’s truly an untouchable feeling of happiness
2. Sometimes friends will try to make plans with you and you have no reason to decline except for the fact that you just want to be alone that day. (Your plan is to have no plans, people need to understand that by now, right?)
3. A good album, book, or television show can keep your attention far longer than any party, club, or bar could.
4. Going away to a remote cabin in the middle of the woods to just exist for a period of time sounds like the best idea for a vacation that you can think of.
5. There is nothing more exciting than planning a long, solo road trip, because you know you’re going to be able to think your thoughts, listen to your music, and play your audiobooks for hours and hours on end. Is there anything better?
6. When people say they can’t eat alone at a restaurant, you’re like, really? That’s one of life’s simple pleasures! Food? Good. A book? Good. No conversation whatsoever? Perfect.
7. The worst trait any potential lover could have is “clingy.” You need your space like you need air to breathe. It’s essential. If they need to be around you all the time? Dealbreaker.
8. Even if you are attached, you carve out hours of alone time just to keep your sanity (and to keep your relationship healthy and happy, too).
9. The only person you’d ever consider marrying would be someone that also loves spending time alone, otherwise that thing’s never going to last.
10. If anyone that knew you were to describe you, one of the words they’d use emphatically to do so is: independent.
11. Your intuition is on point because you spend an insane amount of time alone and cultivating it.
12. While people around you hate being single, you consider it such a joy to be able to be at the whim of your aloneness and this feeling is especially better if you live alone, because you have so much time to do all your little things that you do when nobody is around.
13. You’re always working on a project –usually something artistic– and you start to get antsy if you haven’t been able to work on it for a few days.
14. When you do hang out with people, you prefer seeing them one on one or in a small group. The more intimate and deep the conversation, the better.
15. You are an observer –watching and studying people’s behavior– and, funny enough, are usually quite well-liked, which can serve to be a problem considering how much time you want to spend by yourself.
16. A full day by yourself makes you feel more you than anything at all.
17. You tend to enjoy cold, rainy weather, as it gives you even more of an excuse to hibernate in your home and read, sit by the fire, think, curl up, write in your journal.
18. If you are not thinking about life’s big questions, you must be dead.
19. Because you put a premium on spending time alone, you are more present and attentive when you do spend time with people, because you don’t feel as though you’re missing out on time by yourself.
20. You would much rather go on a hike or go to the beach by yourself than with anyone, which isn’t to say you dislike going with people, it’s just a more engaging experience when you do it alone.
21. Sure, it’s fun to drink wine with friends, but having a bottle of wine to yourself at the end of a long day? 100% perfect paradise heaven.
22. Traveling to a new place by yourself (even if the new place is only ten miles away) is your idea of a great time. You are always either planning a solo adventure, going on a solo adventure, or coming back from one. Experiencing the world through your own eyes without anybody else’s opinion is not just a desire, it’s an essential need of yours.
23. There is absolutely nothing that can touch the feeling of when someone cancels plans on you and you are suddenly left with surprise alone time. You’re all, “Oh good, more time to be with me!” and it’s truly an untouchable feeling of happiness
Friday, September 12, 2014
JOURNAL
I put in the change of hours again yesterday. Cutting 3 hours from my schedule so far. This new management is taking control of my schedule and putting in whoever they want ...something about open access.
I really don't care if I am losing money. I am trying to find balance in my life. I am not going to kill myself for a company that doesn't listen to me
I really don't care if I am losing money. I am trying to find balance in my life. I am not going to kill myself for a company that doesn't listen to me
POETRY: I CAN SEE YOU EVERYWHERE
You are familiar
I run my hands against your face
Your features
Like a professional climber
On a mountainous terrain
I seem to remember
With my fingers
I climb every curve and cranny
Towards your majestic summit
At a most cautious pace
I dare not look down
For fear that some slip of uncertainty of you
In me would be found
Until finally I come to an abrupt end
Standing still I feel the gentle wind
Wrapping itself around me
You catch my fall
You give me your hand
You say 'trust me'
This is no stranger at all
But the arms of my friend
Together we reach the top
Then climbing down
My adventure with you
Starts all over again
2
I can see you everywhere,
And yet you are nowhere.
I feel your breath on my neck,
Your warm lips pressed against mine,
But when i reach out to you
You aren't there.
Can it be my imagination?
How can you be so real?
Maybe you live inside me,
A piece of your soul,
But our bodies do not know each other.
I dream of the day we will meet.
The overwhelming feelings,
Bursting at the seams.
You are my true love,
My destiny.
Until we meet,
I will hold you in my heart.
And pray you will soon find me.
3
Come sit by my side for a spell.
This old rocking chair is plenty big.
Well, I hope you have missed me today,
As all I have done is think of you.
I've been wanting to put my arms around you,
Maybe pull you against me so tight,
To run my fingers throught your hair,
And watch as it softly falls through my hands.
I have such wonderful thoughts of you.
There was a thunderstorm early this morning.
Soft gray clouds came rolling in,
The sound of thunder far off in the distance.
It woke me up only to find you not beside me.
I was startled at first, and then I saw you.
The sheer curtains were gently blowing in,
And the soft morning light caressed your face with beauty.
We shared our bodies and love last night,
And yet I find the gentle touch of your hand
Has not only defined the essence of you,
But has touched the core of my being.
The soft light bathes you as from a magic spell.
Various shades and textures pour all about,
Every feature is transformed in a painting
That would defy the most gifted of artists.
My life has changed through your love for me,
A clarity and purpose in life have now been defined.
Dreams in time will become realities,
And a life together makes my heart ache with love for you.
I sit and ponder what it is I love about you so much.
I can never put my finger on any one little thing...
Maybe that is just as well, besides,
You are showing me new and wonderful things every day.
I have kissed your incredible lips a thousand times,
And every time I do, it's as though it were the first time.
How could a simple kiss send me on a journey
Where my consciouness meets my soul?
Looking into your eyes has taken me to places
That love talks about, yet doesn't explain.
Maybe that's for the best,
As it will always make us keep coming back.
I can see you with a clarity and vision of past and present.
You sure loved to dance in that field of daisies.
I studied you for the longest time,
Watching a child's dance of love and joy.
Well, years have gone by and time has been a friend,
A woman I love, and life spent together.
My heart always aches, as it is full of love for you,
As I know I will always be by your side.
I run my hands against your face
Your features
Like a professional climber
On a mountainous terrain
I seem to remember
With my fingers
I climb every curve and cranny
Towards your majestic summit
At a most cautious pace
I dare not look down
For fear that some slip of uncertainty of you
In me would be found
Until finally I come to an abrupt end
Standing still I feel the gentle wind
Wrapping itself around me
You catch my fall
You give me your hand
You say 'trust me'
This is no stranger at all
But the arms of my friend
Together we reach the top
Then climbing down
My adventure with you
Starts all over again
2
I can see you everywhere,
And yet you are nowhere.
I feel your breath on my neck,
Your warm lips pressed against mine,
But when i reach out to you
You aren't there.
Can it be my imagination?
How can you be so real?
Maybe you live inside me,
A piece of your soul,
But our bodies do not know each other.
I dream of the day we will meet.
The overwhelming feelings,
Bursting at the seams.
You are my true love,
My destiny.
Until we meet,
I will hold you in my heart.
And pray you will soon find me.
3
Come sit by my side for a spell.
This old rocking chair is plenty big.
Well, I hope you have missed me today,
As all I have done is think of you.
I've been wanting to put my arms around you,
Maybe pull you against me so tight,
To run my fingers throught your hair,
And watch as it softly falls through my hands.
I have such wonderful thoughts of you.
There was a thunderstorm early this morning.
Soft gray clouds came rolling in,
The sound of thunder far off in the distance.
It woke me up only to find you not beside me.
I was startled at first, and then I saw you.
The sheer curtains were gently blowing in,
And the soft morning light caressed your face with beauty.
We shared our bodies and love last night,
And yet I find the gentle touch of your hand
Has not only defined the essence of you,
But has touched the core of my being.
The soft light bathes you as from a magic spell.
Various shades and textures pour all about,
Every feature is transformed in a painting
That would defy the most gifted of artists.
My life has changed through your love for me,
A clarity and purpose in life have now been defined.
Dreams in time will become realities,
And a life together makes my heart ache with love for you.
I sit and ponder what it is I love about you so much.
I can never put my finger on any one little thing...
Maybe that is just as well, besides,
You are showing me new and wonderful things every day.
I have kissed your incredible lips a thousand times,
And every time I do, it's as though it were the first time.
How could a simple kiss send me on a journey
Where my consciouness meets my soul?
Looking into your eyes has taken me to places
That love talks about, yet doesn't explain.
Maybe that's for the best,
As it will always make us keep coming back.
I can see you with a clarity and vision of past and present.
You sure loved to dance in that field of daisies.
I studied you for the longest time,
Watching a child's dance of love and joy.
Well, years have gone by and time has been a friend,
A woman I love, and life spent together.
My heart always aches, as it is full of love for you,
As I know I will always be by your side.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
POETRY: I NEVER REALIZED HOW LOVE FELT UNTIL I GOT WITH YOU
I never realized how love felt until I got with you.
Love is an amazing thing.
Love can turn your life around,
especially when you're with someone like you.
Love can make you feel some crazy things
you've never felt before.
I realize I'm in love,
I can't be without you for a minute,
I think about you all the time,
I do things with you
that I wouldn't do with anyone else in my life.
I care for you more than anyone else,
and you're the only person I want to marry.
You're the only person I want to wake up to every day
and kiss good morning.
You're the person I want to go to bed with,
no one but you.
2
Always wondering who's going to be the true love for me
who will be the one who loves me
i know now that you were meant to be mine
we are true love that lots of people can't find
i loved you from the first time i laid my eyes upon you
your first kiss, your first touch, our first time together meant so much
Sitting here now trying to write this poem,
you mean so much to me; you're my everything
there are no words that can explain how much i love you
today, tomorrow, each and every day.
3
I glance upon your face,
with sweet, undying grace;
Your hair of golden brown,
does well to hold your crown.
Endless beauty, steadfast as it shines-
IO through noon and night-
you'll be forever mine
in dark and in the light
Love is an amazing thing.
Love can turn your life around,
especially when you're with someone like you.
Love can make you feel some crazy things
you've never felt before.
I realize I'm in love,
I can't be without you for a minute,
I think about you all the time,
I do things with you
that I wouldn't do with anyone else in my life.
I care for you more than anyone else,
and you're the only person I want to marry.
You're the only person I want to wake up to every day
and kiss good morning.
You're the person I want to go to bed with,
no one but you.
2
Always wondering who's going to be the true love for me
who will be the one who loves me
i know now that you were meant to be mine
we are true love that lots of people can't find
i loved you from the first time i laid my eyes upon you
your first kiss, your first touch, our first time together meant so much
Sitting here now trying to write this poem,
you mean so much to me; you're my everything
there are no words that can explain how much i love you
today, tomorrow, each and every day.
3
I glance upon your face,
with sweet, undying grace;
Your hair of golden brown,
does well to hold your crown.
Endless beauty, steadfast as it shines-
IO through noon and night-
you'll be forever mine
in dark and in the light
Monday, September 8, 2014
JOURNAL:
I brought new glasses this weekend from Lencrafter. I look like Clark Kent. These are the second pair now. I am having pressure sore marks on nose.
I also received my scanner from Amazon. It is fast and amazing and small.
I have reach a point where I am beginning to realize that my approach to finding the one isn't working. I need to try something different..I don't know what it is.I am still trying to figure that one out. I don't know what to do
POETRY: I LOVE YOU
Watching my life go by
Remembering young innocent days
Not knowing how I got here
I've grown so fast
I don't know what's coming next
Who will I give my love to
Who will I spend my life with
How long will I live
Why am I me; why am I not you
There's nothing to seek
I'm going crazy
I just want to know what's next
What's going to happen tomarrow
Am I going to find him
Am I going to die
Where am I going to be
Who's going to be there with me
I just want to know what's next
What's next for me in this life
Who knows if I don't
2
If the words I speak could make you laugh,
I'd talk forever.
If my embrace could make you feel secured,
I'd embrace you forever.
If understanding you could make us closer,
I'd listen to you forever.
If holding your hand could make you tingly inside,
I'd hold your hand forever.
If your eyes are the windows to your soul,
I'd stare into them forever.
If a simple kiss could make you glow,
I'd kiss you forever.
If the compliments I whisper in your ear makes you feel beautiful,
I'd whisper those words to you forever.
If the way I touch you makes u feel wanted,
I'd caress you forever.
If talking to you, and embracing you,
And listening to you, and holding you,
And staring into your eyes, and kissing you,
And whispering compliments to you, and caressing you
Could make you feel my love,
I'd willingly do all those things forever.
And if someone asks me how much I love you,
I'd say, "So much, it would last forever.
3
I look into your eyes, I'm falling
Into you. I'm soaring
In the azure sky
In places and ways
I never thought possible before.
I touch your skin
An electric tingle thrills me,
I'm hectic
As I wish your touch
Would linger on me forever.
I smell your scent
the fluttering wings
Of butterflies tremble in my stomach,
As I long to immerse myself
In all of you.
Each little thing about you
Makes the thought of life
Without you,
Seems as unthinkable
As eagles that have never flown.
4
How I long to be lost in your arms
After a long day with you entwined,
Within my every word.
My mind can't wait another second
To be with you.
For my heart keeps driving it
Close to insanity,
For it misses you so.
But only time seems
To stand between us.
For the distance
Can be easily conquered,
But time has to pass by
On its own.
So all I can do
Till it passes me by,
Is to live in the memory
Of the past night.
When I held you in my arms
Whispering every word,
My heart spoke
About how much
It had missed you
Every second
That I was away.
But as time passed
It slowly brought me torment,
Leaving my mind lusting after
Every lady that walked by.
Causing me to sin
Against you.
Trying to make me
Break the bond
That lay between us.
Luckily my heart knew
Where it truly belonged
And it was with you.
Time came close
To breaking the bond
But it failed.
For it ran out,
So I?ll always be yours
As long as you're mine.
5
You are the passion
that is burning bright,
You are the star
that shines all night.
I want to hold you
and keep you near,
when you are around
I'll show no fear.
You are always on my mind,
I want to love you
all the time.
Our love resides
in a special place,
it makes my heart
know not to race.
I will tell you
the truth today,
my love for you
is here to stay.
6
i loved you...
not for the face's beauty you hold
but for the the beauty you kept within
and then, i needed you...
i loved you...
not for the money you spent
but for the wealth within your heart
and then, i needed you...
i loved you...
not for the elegant dress you wore
but for the mask you took off to the world
and then, i needed you...
i love you...
not for the times when you were still here
but because you left me still loving you
and now, i need you....
Remembering young innocent days
Not knowing how I got here
I've grown so fast
I don't know what's coming next
Who will I give my love to
Who will I spend my life with
How long will I live
Why am I me; why am I not you
There's nothing to seek
I'm going crazy
I just want to know what's next
What's going to happen tomarrow
Am I going to find him
Am I going to die
Where am I going to be
Who's going to be there with me
I just want to know what's next
What's next for me in this life
Who knows if I don't
2
If the words I speak could make you laugh,
I'd talk forever.
If my embrace could make you feel secured,
I'd embrace you forever.
If understanding you could make us closer,
I'd listen to you forever.
If holding your hand could make you tingly inside,
I'd hold your hand forever.
If your eyes are the windows to your soul,
I'd stare into them forever.
If a simple kiss could make you glow,
I'd kiss you forever.
If the compliments I whisper in your ear makes you feel beautiful,
I'd whisper those words to you forever.
If the way I touch you makes u feel wanted,
I'd caress you forever.
If talking to you, and embracing you,
And listening to you, and holding you,
And staring into your eyes, and kissing you,
And whispering compliments to you, and caressing you
Could make you feel my love,
I'd willingly do all those things forever.
And if someone asks me how much I love you,
I'd say, "So much, it would last forever.
3
I look into your eyes, I'm falling
Into you. I'm soaring
In the azure sky
In places and ways
I never thought possible before.
I touch your skin
An electric tingle thrills me,
I'm hectic
As I wish your touch
Would linger on me forever.
I smell your scent
the fluttering wings
Of butterflies tremble in my stomach,
As I long to immerse myself
In all of you.
Each little thing about you
Makes the thought of life
Without you,
Seems as unthinkable
As eagles that have never flown.
4
How I long to be lost in your arms
After a long day with you entwined,
Within my every word.
My mind can't wait another second
To be with you.
For my heart keeps driving it
Close to insanity,
For it misses you so.
But only time seems
To stand between us.
For the distance
Can be easily conquered,
But time has to pass by
On its own.
So all I can do
Till it passes me by,
Is to live in the memory
Of the past night.
When I held you in my arms
Whispering every word,
My heart spoke
About how much
It had missed you
Every second
That I was away.
But as time passed
It slowly brought me torment,
Leaving my mind lusting after
Every lady that walked by.
Causing me to sin
Against you.
Trying to make me
Break the bond
That lay between us.
Luckily my heart knew
Where it truly belonged
And it was with you.
Time came close
To breaking the bond
But it failed.
For it ran out,
So I?ll always be yours
As long as you're mine.
5
You are the passion
that is burning bright,
You are the star
that shines all night.
I want to hold you
and keep you near,
when you are around
I'll show no fear.
You are always on my mind,
I want to love you
all the time.
Our love resides
in a special place,
it makes my heart
know not to race.
I will tell you
the truth today,
my love for you
is here to stay.
6
i loved you...
not for the face's beauty you hold
but for the the beauty you kept within
and then, i needed you...
i loved you...
not for the money you spent
but for the wealth within your heart
and then, i needed you...
i loved you...
not for the elegant dress you wore
but for the mask you took off to the world
and then, i needed you...
i love you...
not for the times when you were still here
but because you left me still loving you
and now, i need you....
Friday, September 5, 2014
LOVE LETTER: ALL I WANT IS YOU
Why must I feel this way? I am a man of many torments,some of which I cannot describe. There are certain things missing, such as my love. Without her I am not who I am supposed to be. Every day I question, does she feel the same as I? Does she love me as much as I love her? And with every thought I die! I have died so many times, that I don't know if I die again, if that will be the final.Sometimes I feel as if that would be the best thing. I would miss everyone, but this pain I would not. Just as long as I may take the love I have. I would be in a better place. My heart stays with her, and she shall keep it. I no longer have any use for it. I love her! And my heart is a symbol of that, so that she may never forget me, and forever know, I will always be with her!
All I want is... to love you for the rest of my life... waking up every morning nestled in your arms... snuggling you tight as I close my drowsy eyes for the night... throughout the day thoughts of you dance in my mind... bringing a smile to my face... warming my heart... anticipating your arrival home... waiting to embrace you... All I want is... to share everything with you... our hopes... dreams...our future... sharing... the little things... things that make us laugh... and the not so little things that we can't help but to worry about... All I want is... to continue giving you my complete love... and nothing less... being your sanctuary from the storm... a place you can come to for comfort and acceptance... being a good listener... hopefully always using discernment... knowing there will be times when I just need to remain silent... but too knowing the things left unspoken can still be understood...All I want is... to raise our children... fulfill our dreams... watch as our life unfolds... spoil our grandchildren... and grow old together...All I want is..You
All I want is... to love you for the rest of my life... waking up every morning nestled in your arms... snuggling you tight as I close my drowsy eyes for the night... throughout the day thoughts of you dance in my mind... bringing a smile to my face... warming my heart... anticipating your arrival home... waiting to embrace you... All I want is... to share everything with you... our hopes... dreams...our future... sharing... the little things... things that make us laugh... and the not so little things that we can't help but to worry about... All I want is... to continue giving you my complete love... and nothing less... being your sanctuary from the storm... a place you can come to for comfort and acceptance... being a good listener... hopefully always using discernment... knowing there will be times when I just need to remain silent... but too knowing the things left unspoken can still be understood...All I want is... to raise our children... fulfill our dreams... watch as our life unfolds... spoil our grandchildren... and grow old together...All I want is..You
POETRY: YOUR KISS
My passion for thee burns bright,
Like a torch set to fire in the night,
I know I can give thee what thy heart desires,
For my passion for thee burns like a fire.
Oh how I?m yearning,
This passion is burning.
My heart is racing,
For your embracing.
This flame won?t subside,
All these feelings trapped inside.
You?re the one I desire,
Won?t you settle my inner fire?
2
my heart captured by your embrace...love stolen by ur sweet grace. if i was breathing i didn't know...i was lost in you from the very depths of my soul. when our lips met that night...i felt like taken flight. mind soaring through the crisp night air...my feet were weightless as if nothing were there. that split moment,when our lips touched, my spirit passed me like a cool damp mist...forever in a kiss
Magic of a kiss,
no words to
describe.
Holding her
close, her soft
lips, touching
mine.
My heart feeling
warm, my mind
moving fast,
wishing our kiss
could last and last.
Magic of a kiss,
no words to
... describe
Like a torch set to fire in the night,
I know I can give thee what thy heart desires,
For my passion for thee burns like a fire.
Oh how I?m yearning,
This passion is burning.
My heart is racing,
For your embracing.
This flame won?t subside,
All these feelings trapped inside.
You?re the one I desire,
Won?t you settle my inner fire?
2
my heart captured by your embrace...love stolen by ur sweet grace. if i was breathing i didn't know...i was lost in you from the very depths of my soul. when our lips met that night...i felt like taken flight. mind soaring through the crisp night air...my feet were weightless as if nothing were there. that split moment,when our lips touched, my spirit passed me like a cool damp mist...forever in a kiss
Magic of a kiss,
no words to
describe.
Holding her
close, her soft
lips, touching
mine.
My heart feeling
warm, my mind
moving fast,
wishing our kiss
could last and last.
Magic of a kiss,
no words to
... describe
JOURNAL: AM I GOOD ENOUGH?
Beside my parents and sister, only one other woman really truly loved me.Most of the other, including my ex wife have ever loved me. They’ve liked me a gosh-darn awful lot, but boy-oh-boy do they not want to pull out those three little words.
I think I’m lovable. Both in my innate humanness and in my adult life. I have my shit together.I know I am not owed love. Most women imagine that they're going to be blown away by someone, literally knocked off their feet by a guy straight out of a GQl. But other times, women just don't find your personality intriguing enough. They might like YOU — being around you, going out to dinner with you, sleeping with you, having brunch with you the next day. But they don't necessarily find themselves fully engaged and interested in who you really are.
It's a little rare, to find someone who loves you so much that she just loves to talk, talk, talk with you for hours. Plenty of woman will want to form a "fun little team" with you, particularly if you're smart and highly evolved and you have your shit together..
Don't I deserve something, beyond falling right in line with the other perfect, shiny guys who deserve doting wife? Don't I deserve a bigger, brighter existence than the ones they might be perfectly satisfied with?
The lack of spark within me comes from the conflict between WHO I AM TRYING TO BE and WHAT I REALLY WANT FOR MYSELF. I want more. I act like I don't want more,I act like I am satisfied, but in fact, I want a lot more.
I used to date women who were obsessed with their creative projects. After a while, I realized that I didn't want THEM. I wanted to BE them. I thought being close to that energy might be enough. I thought that being loved by someone who was willing to give herself completely to the creative process was enough. I met a musician once who was consumed by her creations. I put her on a pedestal. I had so much crazy lust for her..she was so HOT, it was almost stupid. But it wasn't her — I hardly knew her — it was her focus, her total involvement and belief in what she did, that made me crazy. I was her looks. I wanted to have that kind of passion for myself. I SHOULD'VE BEEN CHERISHED. I refused to cherish myself. It was easier to pretend that all of that magic and passion belonged to someone else, and that I had to ask permission to get a little taste of it.
It's time to forget about being lovable. And in fact, it's time to forsake someone else's idea of what gives you a spark or no spark. No more audience. I am the cherished and the cherisher. I am the eminently lovable and the lover. I am the million brilliant sparks, flashing against a midnight sky. Fuck "good" partners. Fuck waiting to be let in. I am already in. I am in.f.
I stop wondering if I am lovable. Fuck asking someone else, "Am I there yet?" Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. I am not going to grow up to be one of those men with a perpetual question mark etched into my brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough?
I have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today.
I think I’m lovable. Both in my innate humanness and in my adult life. I have my shit together.I know I am not owed love. Most women imagine that they're going to be blown away by someone, literally knocked off their feet by a guy straight out of a GQl. But other times, women just don't find your personality intriguing enough. They might like YOU — being around you, going out to dinner with you, sleeping with you, having brunch with you the next day. But they don't necessarily find themselves fully engaged and interested in who you really are.
It's a little rare, to find someone who loves you so much that she just loves to talk, talk, talk with you for hours. Plenty of woman will want to form a "fun little team" with you, particularly if you're smart and highly evolved and you have your shit together..
I SHOULD BE CHERISHED.
I got some colorful markers, and I wrote those words 50 times, on the same page. I SHOULD BE cherished. I should be cherished. I. Should. Be. Cherished.
In the past...I didn't cherish myself. I would do whatever what's-her-face wants to do, for the sake of the fun little team, for the sake of demonstrating your good communication skills. I would cherishing her, and cherishing sanity, BUT I WASN'T CHERISHING ME.
I got some colorful markers, and I wrote those words 50 times, on the same page. I SHOULD BE cherished. I should be cherished. I. Should. Be. Cherished.
In the past...I didn't cherish myself. I would do whatever what's-her-face wants to do, for the sake of the fun little team, for the sake of demonstrating your good communication skills. I would cherishing her, and cherishing sanity, BUT I WASN'T CHERISHING ME.
Don't I deserve something, beyond falling right in line with the other perfect, shiny guys who deserve doting wife? Don't I deserve a bigger, brighter existence than the ones they might be perfectly satisfied with?
The lack of spark within me comes from the conflict between WHO I AM TRYING TO BE and WHAT I REALLY WANT FOR MYSELF. I want more. I act like I don't want more,I act like I am satisfied, but in fact, I want a lot more.
I used to date women who were obsessed with their creative projects. After a while, I realized that I didn't want THEM. I wanted to BE them. I thought being close to that energy might be enough. I thought that being loved by someone who was willing to give herself completely to the creative process was enough. I met a musician once who was consumed by her creations. I put her on a pedestal. I had so much crazy lust for her..she was so HOT, it was almost stupid. But it wasn't her — I hardly knew her — it was her focus, her total involvement and belief in what she did, that made me crazy. I was her looks. I wanted to have that kind of passion for myself. I SHOULD'VE BEEN CHERISHED. I refused to cherish myself. It was easier to pretend that all of that magic and passion belonged to someone else, and that I had to ask permission to get a little taste of it.
It's time to forget about being lovable. And in fact, it's time to forsake someone else's idea of what gives you a spark or no spark. No more audience. I am the cherished and the cherisher. I am the eminently lovable and the lover. I am the million brilliant sparks, flashing against a midnight sky. Fuck "good" partners. Fuck waiting to be let in. I am already in. I am in.f.
I stop wondering if I am lovable. Fuck asking someone else, "Am I there yet?" Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. I am not going to grow up to be one of those men with a perpetual question mark etched into my brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough?
I have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
PERSONAL: BEING THANKFUL THAT I MET YOU
It will be strange at first. I would ask you out on a date after meeting you online.You will never have to wonder with me I will pick you up right on time, and you will slide into the front seat of my car and we’ll make small talk and I’ll smile
During dinner I’ll nervously play with my food, wondering if you find me attractive.When the check comes, we’ll fight over it, but in the end, I end up paying We’ll continue to see each other, and you’ll always make me laugh. You’ll pay attention to me, and send me a “good morning” text each day. You’ll leave me awake at night, giant smile plastered to my face, trying to accept the fact that it’s happening again, that I’m getting that feeling I thought I had lost forever.
You’ll ask me to be your boyfriend, and I’ll say yes. We’ll change our relationship statuses on Facebook and I’ll smile whenever I get a new message from you. You’ll continue to surprise me with interesting date ideas, and we’ll spend nights curled up on your bed, watching Netflix and talking about our childhoods. I’ll tell you about my worst fears, and I wonder how you’ll handle them, how’ll you tackle diffusing them.
We’ll sleep together for the first time and I’ll be nervous. You’ll do everything in your power to make sure I’m not but I will be — it’s inevitable. It will be strange — not un-enjoyable, but different. It will be different loving you You’ll teach me to love loving you.
You’ll become my best friend and I’ll become yours. I’ll tell you everything, and slowly, things will remind me of you. I’ll have the urge to constantly let you know what’s on my mind, and you’ll love it. You’ll do the same. Soon we’ll have a favorite restaurant, favorite movies, favorite songs. We’ll have routines, and you’ll become familiar to me. You’ll become home.
Slowly, you’ll become my person, and I’ll love you unconditionally, and I’ll look back to the way I feel now, and realize how silly I was for worrying I’ll never find love again. You’ll make me realize that a broken heart can’t stay broken forever. You’ll be the one that glues the pieces back together, and I’ll be thankful I met you
During dinner I’ll nervously play with my food, wondering if you find me attractive.When the check comes, we’ll fight over it, but in the end, I end up paying We’ll continue to see each other, and you’ll always make me laugh. You’ll pay attention to me, and send me a “good morning” text each day. You’ll leave me awake at night, giant smile plastered to my face, trying to accept the fact that it’s happening again, that I’m getting that feeling I thought I had lost forever.
You’ll ask me to be your boyfriend, and I’ll say yes. We’ll change our relationship statuses on Facebook and I’ll smile whenever I get a new message from you. You’ll continue to surprise me with interesting date ideas, and we’ll spend nights curled up on your bed, watching Netflix and talking about our childhoods. I’ll tell you about my worst fears, and I wonder how you’ll handle them, how’ll you tackle diffusing them.
We’ll sleep together for the first time and I’ll be nervous. You’ll do everything in your power to make sure I’m not but I will be — it’s inevitable. It will be strange — not un-enjoyable, but different. It will be different loving you You’ll teach me to love loving you.
You’ll become my best friend and I’ll become yours. I’ll tell you everything, and slowly, things will remind me of you. I’ll have the urge to constantly let you know what’s on my mind, and you’ll love it. You’ll do the same. Soon we’ll have a favorite restaurant, favorite movies, favorite songs. We’ll have routines, and you’ll become familiar to me. You’ll become home.
Slowly, you’ll become my person, and I’ll love you unconditionally, and I’ll look back to the way I feel now, and realize how silly I was for worrying I’ll never find love again. You’ll make me realize that a broken heart can’t stay broken forever. You’ll be the one that glues the pieces back together, and I’ll be thankful I met you
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