JOURNAL: JURY DUTY

I had to go the city for Jury Duty. I don't live in the city anymore..so I show the clerk all the paper. I got dismissed. But still it was stressful to go the city today.
I was exhausted when I got home....but i sure happy I didn't go to work today.

JOURNAL: NEVER FEELING GOOD ENOUGH

I think I'm better off than most people but I always feel like it's never enough. Sometime I feel down and unhappy because I wish to have this and be able to that. I got some of things that I thought would make me happy but the happiness is only temporary. When I get what I want, I tend to forget about it and want something else. It seems like nothing could satisfy me and maybe I should just be happy with what I got.

Who measures what a "successful" life is? You do. Nobody else.

If all you ever achieve in life is wasting your time away daydreaming and writing just one small piece of song or poetry, and that little bit of poetry becomes an inspiration generations later to a person who remakes world society (or whatever) - is that a life you would consider "unsuccessful"?

If somebody is perfectly happy just living alone in a hut, growing their own vegetables, who are you to determine that that kind of life is wasted?

If happiness exists, I think it is not up to others to judge or decide what is valuable and what isn't.

However, the point is to determine whether however you live your life actually DOES make you happy. If not, you're buying comfort and the illusion of safety at the expense of happiness.

The same is true for the opposite. Setting goals arbitrarily (new car, new house, etc.) in the material world just to in the end realize that it means nothing, because you never found out what would have made you happy.



For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time to still be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time … and remember that time waits for no one…

So stop waiting

until you finish school,

until you go back to school,

until you lose ten pounds,

until you gain ten pounds,

until you have kids,

until your kids leave the house,

until you start work,

until you retire,

until you get married,

until you get divorced,

until Friday night,

until Sunday morning,

until you get a new car or home,

until your car or home is paid off,

until spring,

until summer,

until fall,

until winter,

until you are off welfare,

until the first or fifteenth,

until your song comes on,

until you've had a drink,

until you've sobered up,

until you die,

until you are born again

to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy…

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

JOURNAL:SAD DAY...MY WIFE WILL HAVE A MISCARRIAGE

My wife had a anembryonic pregnancy.She will have a miscarriage. I am so sad...I thought I was going to be a daddy, and I found out that i will not be one.

Blighted Ovum

Despite the fact that it is a fairly common complication, few people have heard of blighted ovum, also known as an anembryonic pregnancy. Simply put, a blighted ovum is when normal conception, implantation, and growth of the placenta happen but no fetus develops. A blighted ovum always ends in a miscarriage within the first trimester and is in fact the cause of 50% to 60% of all first trimester miscarriages. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done to prevent it.

What happens with Blighted Ovum?

Since the implanted egg is fertilized, it is natural to assume that everything should progress normally with the pregnancy. With a blighted ovum though, the body can detect that something is wrong with the fertilized egg and therefore stops developing it. It is your body's own way of ensuring you have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

While it is not known exactly what causes a blighted ovum, most experts believe that some sort of chromosomal abnormality with either the egg or the sperm prevents the normal development. However, this abnormality is not indicative of future problems. Although a blighted ovum is common, it usually happens no more than once. Therefore, your health care provider will not refer you for genetic testing. If you experience two or more consecutive miscarriages though, then you may be referred for genetic testing.

It is also possible to have a blighted ovum with a twin pregnancy. In this case, one of the fertilized eggs does not continue to develop while the other does. The blighted ovum does not affect the second fertilized egg.

JOURNAL

Dear God,

This year made me value my healthy even more. The last few months...I had some medical problem and all the work up done showed nothing, Most likely it all due to stress, but i have nothing to really worry about. I am healthy. I have my parents and sisters, I have a job, I have an apartment in the city, I have my BMW car, I have saving, I am debt free, now a great smart phone. I have friends who love me and I have alot of love in my life. Thank you God for my blessing.

One regret was I didn't put any money in vanguard index fund in April, I thought the market would go down and stay down for a long time.

What I hope for the future: More health, my parents and sister (family still alive and prosper was well), I hope to sell my apartment in the city this year and buy a house in long Island, I want to be a daddy this new year for sure. I think I am going to see a therapist this year also to deal with my stress (I think it mostly from work, patients are just not nice anymore..this EMR shit is overwhelming and I am tired of seeing 35 patients or more everyday.)

I need to relax more and not get angry so quickly (anger managment?)

I wish everyone the best. And have A Happy New Year

JOURNAL

Dear God,

My MRI came back negative. Thank you for that. I went to the sleep study this weekend and that turn out to be negative. Thank you again.

God...I have a stalker and I need your help. She looked at my blog LESS THAN A WEEK and wanted me to stop the blog and just focus on her.... She thinks she is my beloved and i should drop everything and giver her all my attention. And get this...I have never met this girl. She think I have time to drop my job and everything and be in the phone for hours with her Who does she think she is ...the president? Seriously I am a busy person..do i have time to feed some pyscho 's ego. I think NOT. She think I am not a doctor and I am a fake. She think that I am making money off this blog which isn't true...I don't have any ad sense from google or anything else on my blog. It just get worse...she hates that people can call me from my blog. She says the movies are not mine....and she is correct...but the sites i get the from...like youtube or whatever allow you put the codes in your blog..my space..or whatever. She thinks i am a midget and short...FUNNY. She going to report to me to google because the picture that I put up are not mine...she need to look more at any blog ....almost every blog is using picture without copyright. She mention that she will get a lawyer. So let me ask you...does this sound like a rational normal woman... who found me less than a week? NO. Hey if she has all this time....Go For It. She even call me a criminal...what a joke She think my blog is dirty and nasty..Personally God, I think she is unstable. I told her to leave me alone and she doesn't. She think it is her job to protect the innocent.. from what? ....words....pictures.....cartoon? She is messing with the wrong person..... But if any of fan read this want want to help me ...just contact me.

JOURNAL

Dear God,

I took my MRI on Sat. I realized during this period of being ill that my dad was right..."Everyone is out for their own self interest except for your family".

I feel so much better today, I feel like my old self. Thank you God for my family, my job, my health, my car.

My tooth hurt a bit..even after seeing the dentist a two weeks ago.

I am taking a sleep study test this Satur.

Had a crazy day at work today. I was over booked. A patient burst into my office after he was told on the phone first that I won't be able to see him today. The guy got into his car came to the clinic and passed my Medical assistant into my office. The guy went nuts...what is wrong with people? I have always respected doctor, teacher, police all my life. I decide to never treat the patient again.

I love you God.

JOURNAL

ME: God, thank you for a wonderful day. I am getting a Scan done on my brain next week.Thank you for my health...my job...my family...my car...my apartment. I learn today it better to be silence a meeting. It's cold outside...my nose is stuff. I love you God...please help me

JOURNAL:

There is something deeper in me..an underlying feeling, gut feeling at who I am. I am not enough and I am too much at the same time. Not rich enough, not smart enough, no handsome enough. This result in shame.

If I was a better person, whatever that means...life wouldn't be hard...right> I wouldn't have so many struggles. there would be less sorrow in my heart. Why do my days seem so unimportant, filled not with adventure, but with duties and demands? I feel unseen..and I feel uncertain. Aware of my deep failing...but the desire set deep in my heart seem like a luxury, granted only to those seem to have their act together.

I was brought up to believe that the heart is central...above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Because God know that our heart is core to who we are. It is the source of all our creativity, our courage, and our convictions. It is the fountainhead of my faith, my hope and of course...my love.

JOURNAL; MICHAEL JACKSON

I was on my way home yesterday and the radio was playing P.Y.T> Pretty Young Thing and I was singing in my car and then they play BAD. At this point I didn't know he was dead. When I got home and put on the T.V. I found out he was died. The news of Michael Jackson's death yesterday threw me off. At first I thought it was a rumor. But alas, no. I grew up with his music and have many favorite songs. Indeed, I consider him the King of Pop. His death was a big surprise,

Words are not even good enough to describe Michael Jackson. An almost impossible pill to swallow when an era of your life has ended and especially so abruptly. I am a huge advocate of true talent and having a purpose when one has such influential power. MJ was one of the very few who embodied those things. Michael IS the music video era and he IS the definitive example of a pop culture humanitarian icon who has single handedly influenced the entire world. But even though Michael’s gone, we still can remember his sacrifices as a child to give us the music we love and the talent that not one person can or ever will replace.I understand that last night, MTV played non-stop Michael Jackson videos (it better have, since the late entertainer made that network!

Like a lot of you, I imagine, my mind this afternoon keeps drifting back to childhood memories of Michael Jackson. So my memories start around the time of “The Wiz” and “Off the Wall.” I never did get enough of that album’s delirious dance numbers, pure exuberant joy on vinyl (though I felt a little uncomfortable when Michael got all choked up at the end of “She’s Out of My Life”).

Then “Thriller” came out and took over the world. I remember watching “The Making of Michael Jackson’s Thriller” on VHS over and over again one night at a church lock-in, staring with slack-jawed amazement each time they showed that clip of Michael when he first busted out the moonwalk on that Motown TV special. (Yup, MJ at a church lock-in. Remember when Michael Jackson was the sweet, good one your parents liked and Prince was the bad, filthy one? Boy, things change.)

It was all downhill from there, more or less. I enjoyed seeing some of the videos from “Bad” on MTV — “The Way You Make Me Feel” had a certain charm — but excessive plastic surgery had turned his handsome young face vaguely reptilian. The last time I paid any attention to his work was when he premiered the “Black or White” video on Fox before a “Simpsons” episode, choosing to follow his upbeat plea for racial unity with four minutes of inexplicable crotch-grabbing and car-smashing (the racist scrawls that provide some motivation to his actions in this version of the video were added digitally after the first airing). It was clear he was losing his grip on the public imagination, and maybe on reality, even if you tuned out the increasingly disturbing reports about his personal behavior. So that was pretty much it for Michael and me.

When Jackson announced that he was doing 10 shows — and eventually 50 — at London’s O2 arena a few months ago, my friends and I talked about how great it would be to finally see him live, but I could never imagine them actually happening. He so desperately wanted to get back to that “Thriller” level of fame and artistry, and there was no way the 50-year-old Michael, with years of rust and bad press and drug abuse and ill health and disappointing records behind him, was going to be able to pull it off. When the first shows were pushed back a few weeks ago, the doubts really started to build. In the end, it seems, he preferred to die rather than disappoint us.

Thank God we’ve still got the records and clips of those remarkable performances. As a human being, the guy was a mess. But as a musician, dancer and all-around performer, the dude was one in a billion. I’m glad I was around for Michael Jackson. Aren’t you? I think I’m going to go listen to “Off the Wall” now.

AE Houseman captured the transitory nature of fame in his poemTo an athlete dying young.

The time you won your town the race
We chaired you through the market-place;
Man and boy stood cheering by,
And home we brought you shoulder-high.

To-day, the road all runners come,
Shoulder-high we bring you home,
And set you at your threshold down,
Townsman of a stiller town.

Smart lad, to slip betimes away
From fields where glory does not stay
And early though the laurel grows
It withers quicker than the rose.

Jackson was quoted by TMZ as saying, Jackson was “looking forward to doing a lot of great things. … I think the best is yet to come in my true humble opinion.” Maybe this was the best he could hope for. No slow decay of rented cars or mocking stares but the gentle hands of family and friends.

Eyes the shady night has shut
Cannot see the record cut,
And silence sounds no worse than cheers
After earth has stopped the ears.

In the weeks before his death, we might have said we didn't know how we felt about Michael Jackson. He'd become so bizarre, so pale, so foreign and different from the musical genius some of us once worshipped. We thought that we hardly thought about him, except perhaps as a punch line. We felt that we felt nothing. But when news of Jackson's death broke yesterday, it turned out that we were wrong. Fans and unfans alike, all around the world, all felt something, and sometimes very deeply.

I am still in shock with Michael Jackson sudden death. Off The Wall was the second LP I ever brought. I remember playing the LP. I remember all his video. I was his biggest fan. When I was a teenager, I was obsess with him. He was amazing...but changed after his Bad album.

-he spent money he didn't have

-he keep asking for problems when he continue allowing kids sleep in his bed.

-taking drugs

-married his second wife....who he didn't really love. She was just a baby machine.

I feel sorry for him. I do blame his father who mess him up. Father hitting him. I am crying for the inner child in him. But I love his music.

Brian Oxman, Jackson family spokesman and attorney, reacted to the tragic news of Michael Jackson's death on CNN. He said he was "stunned" and that he cried with the family. He also said that the people surrounding Michael were "enabling him" and that he "warned" the family that Michael may have been abusing prescription drugs.And he had too many millions of dollars for anyone around him to ever say "Michael-- you idiot--a what are you doing?" His family deserves most of the blame. Noones ever heard of an intervention??

Personally, I think we will find out that the doctor who was with him and gave me the dermerol injection was the one who killed him.

Honestly, who could not see this coming with the many cries for help along the years that Michael Jackson put forth? Does anyone think that such behavior is normal, even from Michael? Sadly, with all the abuse to his body and the drugs, no one was able to step in and intervene to help this poor lost soul. Those around him did not help, they appeared to have made matters worse. In the end, another generation has a talented entertainer that defined the late 70’s and 80’s die too young.

REVIEW: MY PER SE FOOD REVIEW

Per Se
10 Columbus Cir, 4th Fl
New York, NY 10019-1158
Phone: (212) 823-9335

Per se restaurant in the Time Warner Center. Per Se did not disappoint. Whilst I truly feel that no meal is worth almost a Grand, the experience was something we'll never forget..Each person is served at the exact same time The service and presentation were both phenomenal.You will get the $275 prix fixe menu, because there is no other choice. Some of the entree add on made the $275 go up to $375 per person.. It comes with 9 courses and it took about 5 hours to dine (.Tip: Please do not go here with strangers, it's a looong meal to be savored) The wine list is very expensive so expect even a low end bottle to be over $100. The menu is always changing everyday. There are only 14 table total in the resturant. The only bad thing was the view. I thought I would see the Columbus Circle...but you can only see the park.

The food is excellent--- examples:Amuse bouche of an ice cream cone topped with a salmon mousse & creme fraiche inside, pearl tapioca with oysters & topped with caviar, an egg shell that contained a black truffle like gravy & a custard on the bottom and inside of this mix a chip made of chive. Next I chose a corn polenta & she chose foie gras. Fish: a crispy skin fillet of royal dorade with radishes & pistachio butter & nicose olive oil. That dish was okay but the next bit of seafood was magnificent - butter poached novia scotia lobster with chesnut ravioli & brown butter emulsion. Meat: pan rosted breast of farmers quail-the quail skin was a little rubbery for our taste. Second was a rib-eye of veal served with lentils & pearl onions in a veal sauce. It was a very good, substantial piece of meat cooked perfectly pink. Dessert was also good. The service was all timely & refined. As we left & they gave us a bag with cookies for the next day -

JOURNAL: I GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS

One of my goal in my mission statement was--- I want to be married to a beautiful compassion, intelligent woman. I finally did achieve my goal. I got in married in Las Vegas to a woman who was meant for me. It was a long journey that took a lifetime. I have been search and search and been disappointed so many times. I am truly blessed. I love her and she is my inspiration from this point on. I love her. I wish every the same happiness that I have for myself.

This year has been an amazing year. I am blessed. I have the apartment I want in the city. I have the car I always wanted. I am married to a beautiful and compassionate woman. I have my family. I have my health. I have a great job. Everything now is extra.

JOURNAL: I GOT ENGAGED IN CENTRAL PARK TODAY

Today I proposed to my girlfriend in Central Park. I got down on my knee and ask her to marry me. I didn't feel nervous or scared. There was no voice in my head of fear or anything. I felt peace. I felt I was doing the right thing. I am so happy and blessed. People around us clapped and wanted to take picture of us. Thank you God for this day. After she said yes, we took a boat and row near the boat house in Central Park. We held hand and pray to God for a good fortune.


I want to lie with you in green pastures,
Swim with you in fresh, blue water.
I want to hold you until all times end,
I want to know you forever and be your friend.
Love me will you, this I ask,
Open up to me,
Kiss me, love me, my love for you never dies
Like a candle that never goes out,
My love for you burns on and on.
Please say yes as I ask you this,
Sweet angel of God, pure precious dove,
Will you marry me my Love?

Will youI want to share my life
Will you come and live with me
And be forever my wife

I want to be your husband
And have many children together
We will always share our dreams
And be there for each other

I want to grow old with you
As we share our happyness and love
I will care for you in sickness
And pray to God up above

So I am standing here believing
How happy we will be
As I give you this ring with a question
Will you Marry me?

Spanish: Te Casas Conmigo?
Esperanto Ĉu vi edziniĝus kun mi? (
Japanese: "watashito kekkon shite kuremasuka? "
Finnish: Haluatko naida minut?
German: Willst Du mich heiraten?
Italian: lo sposerete?
French: Veux-tu m'épouser?
Portuguese: Você casar-me-á?
Greek: Θα με παντρεψετε;
Danish: Vil du gifte dig med mig?
Russian: будешь ли ты моей женой?

JOURNAL: I WILL BE AWAY FOR ONE WEEK ON VACATION --FLORIDA

I will be away....God I need it. I am so burned out from work. I need this. I hope all of you a great week.

JOURNAL

As I was looking at my photograph...i wonder is anyone ever alone. I sometimes feel alone. But our feelings aren't trustworthy. I look at my picture as a child, teenager..and now adult... I notice every form self I have left behind is a ghost. My body is no longer the body of a child. My thoughts, desires, fears, and hopes have changed. It would be terrible to walk with all the dead selves holding on. I have to let go. Even the self I am today is a ghost. So what does that teach me? That death has been with me every moment of my life. I have survived thousands of death every day as my old thoughts, my old cells, my old emotions,....and even my old identity passed away.

Sometimes my ghost seem real...as real as dreams. We are not the same person we were five, ten of fifteen years ago. Our personalities are constantly evolving, transforming, growing. What holds our ghost is memory. We continue to remember how the old life was. When we die.....the afterlife will become real and the physical world will become a dream. It's just a matter of perspective. When we are in a physical body...our perspective makes physicality real. When we are dreaming at might, the dream state become real. When we cross over.. both waking and dreaming are unreal. Consciousness is convinced by its own creations.

JOURNAL: I BROUGHT AN ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT ON THE UPPER WEST SIDE

So this week... I brought an aparment in the upper west side. I can't believe it. Within 6 month I brought my X3 BMW and one bedroom apartment. It is one of the biggest commitment I have ever made in my life...but i am excited about it. I have a great view with my apartment. This was many years in the coming. I sacrificed alot and saved as much as i could for this. It seem that this year will be even better than last year for me. I am on the right track with my life. One thing is still missing.....love....a wife and partner. I still have hope that by the end of year...i will at least get enagaged. This is the biggest purchase I have ever did. Presently I am broke now.....I can't go anywhere...or buy anything really big. But within a few month I will have some saving. I can't believe how quickly things can change.