PERSONAL: WILL I BE ALONE FOREVER?

Its 4:00 am

This is the hour your mind processes years of rejection. Never fitting in growing up, low self-esteem at the lunch table in middle school. Punched holes in the wall and tears on the pillow case. You analyze how you could have texted that girl differently who stopped responding. The day hasn’t even begun, and you’re already exhausted.

What’s the point? Why even get out of bed? Why even fucking try when you feel like you’ve been trying your whole life, only to be met by a slap in the face?

it’d be nice if we had a map, one where x marks the spot. An instruction booklet with illustrations. A flashing neon sign above the head of the person we’re supposed to be with. All we have is this innate desire to love and be loved and the depths of this big, beautiful world in which to find it.

Whenever I dated somebody new, part of me thought that perhaps this woman would be the one to change things, to rein in my wild wanderlust, to make me want to stay somewhere for longer than a year or two. To make me want to settle permanently. Part of me thought that I would be OK with that, if only she was the “right man”… completely oblivious to the fact that, if she was the “right man”, she would never ask me to shelve my dreams and ambitions, to hate my sexual fantasy, nor would she want to rein me in or have me change who I truly am. I ignored the fact that I often didn’t feel like myself when I was in these relationships;

“What if I’m single forever?” I asked myself. “What if I never find my ultimate ‘soulmate’, that person I’ll grow old with? What if I never fall in love again?”

Most days, I don’t mind being single. It’s pretty great actually. There’s a wonderful freedom that comes from being completely and utterly unattached. However, some days, I do mind. It gets lonely. And today is one of those days, so I’m going to talk about it.

Finding a partner and building a life is such a staple expectation that everyone has about growing old, and I think that’s why we can feel so empty when we don’t have that. We’re conditioned to believe that everything else in life is secondary. Building a career, having hobbies, finding fulfillment. All of it comes after getting married and having kids. And maybe that’s how it should be. I don’t know. What I doknow is that that puts a hell of a lot of pressure on dating. And that’s terrifying for people like me who just cannot, for whatever reason, get a handle on this whole dating thing.

The way I see it, there are three possible reasons as to why I’m single and always have been.

Option 1:
I’m a hideous troll monster and the very sight of me physically repulses women. I don't believe this options because I have been with a lot of woman in my lifetime...more than the average man.

Option 2:
My personality is capital T, capital W The Worst and women cannot stand to be in my presence for longer than 5 minutes before they want to gouge their eardrums out with a dull spork.. I don't believe this is true either because once again I had alot of relationship.

Options 3:
The world has become more superifical.

Of the three options, I would much prefer that I’m single because the world has become more superifical.

I had more relationship when i was younger and now relationship are far in between. There’s a unique kind of blow that your confidence takes when you’ve been virtually invisible to the opposite sex for long period of time. As each year passes and nothing changes, you get more and more used to it. You joke about getting cats and saving tons of money on Valentines and anniversary presents, while simultaneously grieving. Grieving because you didn’t get that love that last forever. You didn’t get to hold someone’s hand for the first time and be the first person to hold their hand, and feel excitement and terror bubble up in your stomach from being in such uncharted territory. You didn’t get any of that and now you’re at an age where hooking up is commonplace and you’re still hoping that maybe someone wants to hold your hand sometime.

My love life was certainly nothing to write home about.

For the most part, I would fall for people who didn’t want me, and we all know the delicious torture of unrequited love. Wanting what we can’t have is intense, and oh how we build that person up in our minds.Then there were the people who really liked me, and I liked them too sometimes, but would then freak the frack out about it, and pull away. I spent many nights crying over my single status.Continually falling for people who did not quite feel the same really took a toll on my self-esteem. I felt ugly and unlovable. I was convinced there was something seriously wrong with me. That I would never find someone was a very real worry

The underlying message is that I need to just keep on wishing and hoping and waiting. Just wait, and wait, because something better than the life you have is guaranteed. Love is guaranteed. But it’s not, is it? Not at all, not even for someone like me, who they maybe think is cool, reasonably attractive, and not obviously insane. I wanted to cry at that dinner table with my family, because keeping up the farce that I’m still waiting means staying still. It means diminishing the life I do lead, which is a good one. I’ll never be free to say that I’m alone forever, only that I’m in a holding pattern until real life begins.

When our emotions get dialed up, we turn into a dog chasing its own tail in search for nirvana. We start to get delusional thinking our one approach to the madness is going to solve it all. It’s not our fault everyone else doesn’t understand us.

“If I just keep trying this same thing… eventually it will work.”

The only thing I made myself do was put one foot in front of the other each day. It didn’t have to be pretty, I didn’t need to change the world. I just needed to change myself.

There’s no point in me sitting around, bemoaning that I’m single, and waiting for a partner so that my life can really begin, or some other bullshit like that. I’m going to get out there and create the life I want to live. You don’t need a partner to complete you.A partner would be a wonderful bonus to an already happy life,When you’re out there, enjoying your life, doing what you love to do, that’s when you start to meet lots of other likeminded people

Do I believe that I’ll be single forever, No, I don’t. What’s so exciting about life is that we never, ever know who we’re going to meet that might change everything. But I think it’s pretty empowering to live life knowing that, if I stay single, I’d be just fine. I'd be MORE than fine. I’d create interesting futures for myself. I’d live thoughtful, purposeful lives, ones that are still full of love, even if it’s simply love for myself and what I am passionate about.