PERSONAL: WHY WOMAN CHEAT

Women often end up in marriages that are emotionally and sexually unsatisfying. Women often pursue men unable to provide those things, because they can provide other things like security or egotistical/social validation, and often such men are genuinely good and loving people. However once the script of find a man > get him to fall in love with you > obtain marriage/commitment > have a kid or two is played out, women often wake up to find themselves feeling increasingly detached from their partners. The key to that detachment is unmet needs, which she has a very hard time talking about, and the man is usually utterly clueless about. Over time the relationship runs into the ground because the woman is typically working her ass off to be a good wife (as she defines it) without getting her emotional and sexual needs effectively met (as she defines them).

Once this process really takes hold, the relationship essentially goes bankrupt without the guy knowing. The woman typically expects the guy to work this out intuitively, and becomes contemptuous when he can't. This creates ideal circumstances for the woman to lose all sexual attraction to her husband, whilst feeling increasing temptation to pursue sex with other men. With other men she can get her sexual and emotional needs met, especially when the adrenaline rush of cheating is added to the mix. This becomes addictive, and the woman has to choose between a powerful drug-like rush of sex outside the marriage, or remaining faithful within a dynamic where her needs are chronically unmet. Being human, the drug-rush tends to win causing huge emotional turbulence for the woman, which often gets expressed as anger towards the man she's married to.

Over time, the woman moves through predictable stages of increasing detachment, until there is no chance of saving the relationship. Counselling, separation, and other strategies to delay the collapse of the marriage are often part of a slow death to the partnership. These rarely have a hope of fixing the issue, and are typically done for social reasons rather than in a genuine attempt to fix things. Therapists rarely if ever have the understanding or courage to address what is actually happening, and often women are not honest about what’s actually happening anyway. Men play their part in this too, by tolerating and putting up with less and less love from the woman, hoping  things will get better with time, without actually changing the way they are behaving or standing up for themselves.

Important to understanding all of this, is understanding the way our society conditions women to deny their own sexuality, and sexual needs. This denial is linked to the desire of men to be certain of paternity, and the social constructs they put in place to try and ensure any kids they end up raising are definitely their own. Essentially women have been historically shamed for their sexual needs, whilst men have typically been given broad leeway to pursue theirs, and this has often been excused through various social constructs and conditioning. The consequence of this is that women often commit to marriages and relationships without being sexually and emotionally satisfied, and to men who are not only incapable of providing this, they don’t even know it’s required. Often the woman herself is taken by surprise when testosterone changes around the age of 30 create surprisingly different sexual priorities than she has ever had to manage before.

 The "game" for women, in many cases, consists of getting men to commit. Thus a system is born in which woman seek to lock a man down while simultaneously ignoring their own desires. This system causes some women to behave in ways in which they focus on the fantasy of getting someone to commit rather than the person their partner is. From this the woman may feel taken advantage of further down the road when her husband has been ignoring her (even though she set the stage for this); both the focus on fantasy fulfillment as well, as the sacrifice that is made while accomplishing this task, can lead to huge rifts in the relationship which are further compounded for a number of cultural and biological reasons