Fake love is the immediate chemistry. We all know what that is - the chemical rush of horniness that can last from three weeks to a year and a half and then "Poof!" it's gone.
The onset of real love and fake love can feel very similar. It's obsessive - you can't think about anything else, and you might lose weight, sleep, or time. However, when it's fake love, you are both only projecting fantasies and assuming things about each other. You can't see future problems because you are both idealizing all of each other's qualities and insisting that the other person is the best you've ever met. However, you haven't actually "met" them. You are only seeing an idealized version of that person.
Real love evolves into service. You see, fake love is all about how the other person makes you feel. Real love is about your commitment to making someone else feel good. Real love involves two people focusing on the needs of each other and doing loving acts over and over again without anyone keeping score. That's why fake love ends up being such a bummer and a letdown - you hit a wall because all you're thinking about is how you feel.
So many woman wants their fierce chemical attraction to continually persist throughout the course of the entire relationship, or they fears they will find themself losing interest. This made first dates difficult , because if that woman didn’t feel that spark right off the bat, dude was getting friend-zoned and she was gonna keep it moving.
But this weekend I had a moment of clarity that made me question my unwavering support of her relationship worldview. My epiphany came after the Season two of Aziz Ansari’s brilliant Netflix series, Master of None. I must admit that one of the most compelling story lines of the entire season was the sexual-tension-laced-friendship between Dev (Ansari) and his Italian crush Francesca (Alessandra Mastronardi).
While we never see the exact moment they first meet, you can tell that their connection was organic and far more piercing than either expected it to be. Although she was engaged throughout the course of their friendship, their bond was clearly undeniable. Both tried their damnedest to avoid developing feelings for one another. After Dev finally reveals that he wants to be more than friends and she pretty much shuts him down, he had a conversation with his best friend Arnold (Eric Wareheim) that was harsh, but offered an incredibly profound insight: “Your relationship probably wasn’t gonna be this magical fantasy that’s in your head. It’s probably gonna be a sh*t show.”
In that moment, so many thoughts of relationships past began to run through my head. As a former “spark addict,” not only did I vividly remember my own skewed expectations of what a healthy emotional median was for myself, but I also remembered the unfair burden I placed on women to live up to some unrealistic emotional median. To use “sparks” as the thing that undergirded my past relationships was flat out stupid. Why? Because it came at the cost of ignoring practicality and the other benefits of a long-term relationship that are—in some ways—more substantive than an off-the-hook spark. In fact, maintaining the belief that women owed it to me to continually nurture such a connection was a downright selfish demand of inhuman perfection.
I am in no way saying that chemistry isn’t important. Nor am I advising anyone on how they should conduct their relationship. But for those people who may be like I once was and like my homegirl currently is—out here chasing sparks, maybe my own cognition can help you out in some way.
Sparks are awesome but, for me, they aren’t the main priority. I realize that by creating the expectation that my wife will always be in a mental, emotional and spiritual place to provide passion is far too laborious of a request. Life happens, things change, passion subsides and reignites and if your bond isn’t reinforced by something firmer than sparks, your relationship may be in some serious danger.
But this weekend I had a moment of clarity that made me question my unwavering support of her relationship worldview. My epiphany came after the Season two of Aziz Ansari’s brilliant Netflix series, Master of None. I must admit that one of the most compelling story lines of the entire season was the sexual-tension-laced-friendship between Dev (Ansari) and his Italian crush Francesca (Alessandra Mastronardi).
While we never see the exact moment they first meet, you can tell that their connection was organic and far more piercing than either expected it to be. Although she was engaged throughout the course of their friendship, their bond was clearly undeniable. Both tried their damnedest to avoid developing feelings for one another. After Dev finally reveals that he wants to be more than friends and she pretty much shuts him down, he had a conversation with his best friend Arnold (Eric Wareheim) that was harsh, but offered an incredibly profound insight: “Your relationship probably wasn’t gonna be this magical fantasy that’s in your head. It’s probably gonna be a sh*t show.”
In that moment, so many thoughts of relationships past began to run through my head. As a former “spark addict,” not only did I vividly remember my own skewed expectations of what a healthy emotional median was for myself, but I also remembered the unfair burden I placed on women to live up to some unrealistic emotional median. To use “sparks” as the thing that undergirded my past relationships was flat out stupid. Why? Because it came at the cost of ignoring practicality and the other benefits of a long-term relationship that are—in some ways—more substantive than an off-the-hook spark. In fact, maintaining the belief that women owed it to me to continually nurture such a connection was a downright selfish demand of inhuman perfection.
I am in no way saying that chemistry isn’t important. Nor am I advising anyone on how they should conduct their relationship. But for those people who may be like I once was and like my homegirl currently is—out here chasing sparks, maybe my own cognition can help you out in some way.
Sparks are awesome but, for me, they aren’t the main priority. I realize that by creating the expectation that my wife will always be in a mental, emotional and spiritual place to provide passion is far too laborious of a request. Life happens, things change, passion subsides and reignites and if your bond isn’t reinforced by something firmer than sparks, your relationship may be in some serious danger.
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