I knew a patient once who told his fiancee he didn’t think he could marry her after all because she didn’t have slender legs and ankles. They were thick and sturdy and muscular. “Northern Italian child-bearing ankles,” she jokingly called them. Alas, he was a “leg man.” Those aesthetics were really, really, REALLY important to him. He had always envisioned his wife looking a certain way, and his fiancee didn’t fit that image. It was a real crisis for him, an awful dilemma, because they were perfect together otherwise, but he felt this stood in the way of his physical attraction to her. She told him that it really came down to one question he needed to ask himself: was his life better with or without her in it? Because those “big” legs were strictly hereditary and weren’t going anywhere. They also were the result of years of strength training she wasn’t about to abandon. In addition, if he wanted to dump her and go out and find a leggy model-type, how would he feel if a month after the wedding she was in a terrible accident or got a debilitating disease and her legs had to be amputated, or wasted away and became disfigured? Were legs really the deal-breaker? Wasn’t it more important to find the one person whom you cared enough about to love through the worst day of her life? And who cared enough about you to love you through the worst day of your life? Ultimately, it’s about companionship and being on the same wavelength, as well as being able to share things and have fun together and, well… LIKE each other through most any situation. To prefer one another’s company to anyone else’s. He married her.
Fact: In relationship studies, traditional “attraction” wears off within 18-24 months of dating. This probably corresponds to what you’ve experienced in real life – namely, that it’s hard to get “excited” about someone with whom you’ve been intimate for two years straight. Life becomes more about responsibility, friendship, compatibility and all those other “boring” things that old married couples cite. So how much emphasis should we put on physical attraction? It is no secret that compatibility is a stronger predictor of relationship health than chemistry. Yet chemistry is what we chase – somehow hoping that it turns into compatibility as well. It rarely does. Look at your most “passionate” relationships. Where are they now? Exactly. Yet we can’t help ourselves. we like what we like– often to our own detriment. Which is how men end up with hot crazy women and women end up with hot emotionally unavailable men. This isn’t my opinion. This is life.
The problem is that when we compare people side by side, great catches often lose out. Why respond to the 5’5″ guy when there are six-footers out there? Why go out with the heavyset person when you can write to a lean model-type? Why go out with the 45-year-old when you can try the 29-year-old?That doesn’t mean you’re shallow – no more than anyone else. It just means you’re human. You need to have some measure of attraction since there’s only ONE person with whom you’ll be having sex for the rest of your life. .
Which brings us to the moment of truth. You know that sex is the dessert and not the main course…but you know that this is the only person you’ll ever be with again. You know that companionship is more valuable than lust over 40 years…but you know that attraction is important and won’t get better over time. So should you stay or should you go if you’re not that physically attracted to your partner? If there is NO attraction to start, there’s not even any room to go down. However, if that person is somewhere in the broader spectrum – somewhere between a 5-7 on the attraction scale, you may want to think twice before you toss him/her back in the sea. First, ask yourself if he/she– could dissect YOU physically as well. How about emotionally? Intellectually? It’s simple to find fault with others, but there’s a certain grace and wisdom in loving people in spite of their flaws, just as you’d like to be loved in spite of yours.
Second, ask yourself if this person – despite your middling attraction for him/her – can make up for it in bed. I have been with a lot of beautiful woman who were horrible in bed. If she’s energetic, passionate, and devoted to your pleasure, she may be more valuable to my love life than someone who is more aesthetically pleasing with the lights on.
Finally, we often underestimate how rare it is to have a partner who loves us unconditionally. Very often, the second you assume the grass is greener is the second you may find yourself in an exciting new romance…with a guy who only texts you once a week. Attraction is an intensely personal choice and is fundamental to maintaining a healthy sex life. But don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re better off with a 6 in attraction and a 10 in compatibility, than you are with a 10 in attraction and a 4 in compatibility.
The things is this......as you get older the importance of sex become less. It’s just hard to consider that when you’re young. But realize that in 10 years, you’re raising little ones and your life is no longer your own. By 40s, you’re probably finishing menopause and his libido is largely gone. By 67, you’re thinking of retirement, travel and grandkids. By 77, you’re hoping just to stay healthy, and … Can you see how making a decision based on attraction is a perfect example of short-term thinking? Like getting a tattoo with someone’s name on your back and breaking up four months later. The truth is that life lasts for a REALLY, REALLY long time.
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