DATING: THE UNREALISTIC THINGS THAT WOMAN ARE LOOKING FOR.....I MIGHT BE SINGLE FOREVER

A new store has opened. A Husband Store!? There’s a sign at the entrance:

You may visit the Husband Store only once. There are six floors, and the value of the products increases on each successive floor. The shopper can choose any item from a particular floor, or go up to shop on the next floor, but she cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes into the store. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: Men Who Have Good Jobs.

“That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues upward, where the sign reads:

Floor 2: Men Who Have Good Jobs and Love Kids.

She’s intrigued, but continues to the third floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 3: Men Who Have Good Jobs, Love Kids, and Are Extremely Handsome.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

Floor 4: Men Who Have Good Jobs, Love Kids, Are Extremely Handsome, and Help Equally with the Housework.

“It can’t get better than this!” she exclaims. But then a voice inside her asks, “Or can it?” She goes up and reads the sign.

Floor 5: Men Who Have Good Jobs, Love Kids, Are Extremely Handsome, Help Equally with the Housework, and Have a Great Sense of Humor.

Having found what she’s looking for, she’s tempted to stay, but something propels her to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 42,215,602 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife Store right across the street.

The first floor has wives who Love Sex.

The second floor has wives who Love Sex and Are Kind.

The third floor has wives who Love Sex, Are Kind, and Like Sports.

The fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited.



Did you know that 99% of the woman on dating sites are adventure travelers? It seems dubious to me too, but let’s continue as if it’s true. The majority of woman on the site go on and on about all of the outdoor adventure activity they do, including mountain climbing, ziplining, white water rafting, bungee jumping, parasailing, sky diving, someone even talked about alligator wrestling. And of course they love traveling and frequent all these crazy places like Iceland and Belize and Egypt and Greece and the rainforests or whatever. They are outdoors all the time, playing every sport that was ever invented, including some you’ve never heard of (sled hockey?), and they work out 5+ times a week.Come on. I live in Long Island, 25 minutes  away from the city and 20 minutes away from the beach. These woman say they are ambitious and have pretty good jobs where they are making average salaries. How exactly are they ziplining regularly? And where? And how are they getting time off from work to travel all the time, at age 30s? And with what money? I don’t buy it. Oh and everyone loves their job. But that’s not even what bothers me. The real kicker here is the type of men they are all looking for. Now on my profile, I checked off the box saying that I want someone who wants kids and who’s single (… why I have to specify this troubles me). And I wrote out by hand that I am looking for an easy-going, honest, passionate woman. Are those the type of characteristics these woman are looking for? Not even close.

He has to be beautiful and adventurous and also love adventure sports like ziplining and whatever the hell, and he also has to love to travel. He has to be open to trying anything (I’m assuming this means sexual positions) and be outgoing and extroverted and like to go out but also like to stay in. He has to be a great conversationalist, smart, witty, funny, and “not get embarrassed easily.” (Why are we specifying this? Again, troubled.)  He also has to be ambitious, be smart and successful, be educated and have a great job, be family-oriented, be career-driven, want to have (and, unspoken, take care of) kids, knows how to take care of himself (I can only assume this means that he’s must have GQ looks), be outdoorsy, like to be outside all the time (these are apparently two different things), like to camp and hike, be “active” and work out frequently, did I mention handsome?, like all different kinds of foods and be willing to try – AND LIKE, GODDAMNIT – any kind of exotic food, not be pessimistic or complain, be loyal and honest, not be self-conscious about anything (… you’re helping), know who he is and what he wants, and, my ultimate favorite, ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM.

Wow you girls. This is a joke, right? Do you sincerely think you can find all of this in one person? Have you considered the fact that you are on these dating site because this is what you’re holding out for?! First of all, these woman check off “tall" as the body type for their match… But you want someone who does these adventure sports and plays sports too and works out every day? Huh? And how are you going to find someone who is career-driven and is family-oriented and is  who also has time to play sports as an adult and like hike around all the time and wrestle alligators? What? I do know guys who do that kind of stuff, but believe me most of them do not meet all these other criteria, including having the hot model appearance you desire.

But also, think hard – DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS? I don’t think you want this type of guy, if he even exists, because then he’d be too intimidating and you’d feel like he was overshadowing you and better than you at the things you do, and lord knows that would be a problem.

So I offer this plea to you. Refocus. Look for a guy who doesn’t mind that you (apparently) want to go off ziplining, but who might want to lay in the sunshine and read a book while you do. (To work on that tan you demand, obviously.) Or pick, say, two of the major things you’re looking for. Like, he has to be adventurous and handsome, but it’s okay if he’s a mailman. You know? Be a little more realistic. I’m not saying let go of your dreams. But get a grip. Everyone is not Brad Pit. (Not that you’d be into him, since he’s athletic and toned and probably doesn’t have time for parachuting with all those kids in tow.)

It’s this bad, and I haven’t even been on a date yet. Good lord. Clearly I’m going to be single forever.