JOURNAL: I WENT ON A DATE TODAY.

Am I doomed to be alone because I dare to be myself?  I don’t want someone I can’t be myself with, much as I admit that sometimes I have thrown myself at someone almost in the hopes of repelling them, because I didn’t believe they could see and love the real me and also because I wanted to test them.

Much as I know there is nothing wrong with me, I guess I always thought I had to be perfect and have my life figured out before someone decent expressed an interest. I guess I’m only human.

I see a habitual pattern repeated, that of getting really excited about someone possibly before I know them well enough and then beginning to have all sorts of expectations. Tons of if/then statements for how we should interact, for how i can know she likes me, for me to think I’ve got it under control, even though I don’t.Nobody does.And all my vain attempts at control actually squish the delicate flower that was forming. Maybe the girl for you is not the person you thought it was going to be, that maybe your dream come true won’t look exactly as you thought it would

The last time I got involved with somebody, I analyzed whether she would call back or not, whether she liked me. This time, I’m going to look into myself and explore my reactions with curiosity.

I want to find love where I am right now.Even if it brings me elsewhere, because a life without love without the daring of really caring for another person would get pretty shallow and stupid after a while, I don’t want to be in a relationship only because I think it would make me happy, but also because being connected intimately to another human would add serious depth to my life.

I need to take off the walls around my heart, but know who I am and have enough respect for myself to have boundaries without having walls, to let everything happen in its proper time instead of trying to seek certainty from some future event,  I need to feel safe in my love for myself above all.And I need to recognize that I am not in control, I am just a broken human wanting love like everyone, and despite my best efforts I might lose or get hurt, and even more astonishing I could even win, and my life will take its course.I’m tempted to be single forever, until I figure everything out and know exactly what I want, but staying in my cave is not really going to help me figure it out. And I also tend to believe love can change and grow with you, it doesn’t have to hold you back. In fact, it could be your greatest catalyst for growth.Things are not always as they seem…And we become free when we let things be, we are in control when we accept ourselves as we are, we progress when we are content where we are.

I went on a date today....I talk to this girl for few weeks, and I left not knowing she wanted me or not. She seem so quiet.... I know I wanted her...maybe I am wrong....maybe she will be mine