JOURNAL: I FEELING SAD ABOUT MY DATE AGAIN

I was thinking about my date on Sunday again. It just show once again..how people like to play games. She saw my picture...I told her what I was looking for (marriage and kids)  and my approach to dating (if we meet we would be a couple). We even talk for a few weeks to build some sort of bond which I thought we had. I would call her every night. And when she was not feeling well..i sent her things ..sites to look at ...books.....whatever I can to try to make her not feel so sad.

But like always... people say and do something totally different. I felt lead on...it like getting into a relationship with someone and telling them you want kids and that person...never wanted to have kids. I wasted my time... and my heart is broken.I am trying to figure how that lesson of all this

I am not worried...i let the universe take care of things...there is always karma. What you put out is what you will get...so I am not worried about the pain she caused me....i will move on and she has to live with herself. It will come back to her. I would never have done with she did to me. But people are cruel. She did exactly what her ex boyfriend did to her....and then you wonder why people attract the same people over and over again. If you read my blog...you know I believe that relationship are mirror images of who you are.

My heart is too sensitive for this world. Sometimes..i want to just stop my search..because of the constant disappointment. It's hard to find individuals who have a heart...who have compassion....and feel. Each day beckons with determination for me to do my best even though my worst prevails. To be silent when words are all I have. To fill my lungs with sounds of thunderous laughter and to release my tears drop by drop. To feast as a faithful lamb, to find strength in my weakness, to love with no reservation, and to free that which binds my soul – to be less and to be more, to be all and to be nothing, to love and to hate, to pray and to curse and to know the difference.

I do not know how to hate as much as I know how to love.

My heart is full of love. I love. I love. I love. It is in what I do, who I am and goes wherever I go. Inside of me lays something good, something blue and something true. Oh wasted time, wasted days, worry not, for it’s up to fate.

She rules our destiny, decides our rise and our fall. In our days, choices are made and in our choices our lives are shaped. If we could see the path ahead of us, the nature of events as we know them now and how would it have been – Would we make them any different or we would choose the same?

People come and then they leave, careers are driven which in turn drive us, friendships blossom and they die, we have the worst and we have the best. Smiles make our days, sunshine clears the rain and the rain cleanses us too. So when in fact my heart crumbles into millions of tiny pieces, and pain excruciates and carves its name, I know with certainty, that when it rains it rains for me – it clears my sorrows and my troubles too – I start to feel my heart explode with pure and simple love, for although my eyes see only darkness my heart sees only light.

I cannot love any less than I do, I will not have a love one fraction less, for then what am I if not a fool, for believing in the science of life and not the gentle beat of my heart. For me to love is to love with all that I am or not at all, open, raw, without fear, that is me.