THOUGHTS/DATING: DON'T BE HEARTBROKEN WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS YOUR HEART

Many people are very sad or lost when they break up with someone.

We have all sat down on a couch, and calmly been there for someone who lost “the love of their lives”.  About two years ago when I got divorce, I had a realization.  If you break down really deeply why someone is crying, are they really sad that they lost a person?  They now get no more time with the person.  That person has moved on.  But is that really the problem?  Deep down, is this the real reason that they are sad?  I am starting to think, possibly not.

When you see two people walking down the street, holding hands, you are seeing two individual people.  You are seeing two people who are each complete, under the illusion that they are two halves connected.  Movies, music, TV shows, and the people around us, our parents, have repeatedly drilled into our hearts a big lie, “You are incomplete without someone else.”

This lie, in my opinion, is responsible for a lot of the pain that goes on in this world.  People hear all the time “You complete me”  “I need you” “You are the one.”  If you tell someone that they complete you, you are saying to yourself that you are incomplete without them.

If you go back to our childhood, we had crushes, we thought other people were cute, but the truth is we were never incomplete without anyone else.  We were not really in relationships and we were overall happier.

I am not at all saying that I don’t believe that we should be in relationships.  I am saying that almost all of the pain, fighting, stress, fear and sadness is from the illusion that you are incomplete without another person.

Think about it, if you believe that a person completes you, everything that person does dictates if you are happy or sad.  If that person leaves, cheats, or even doesn’t do what you want them to do, you just become sad, angry or lost.  You are literally an emotional slave to what that person does.  You have now assigned the task of making you happy to that person, forever.  NOBODY COULD TAKE THAT TASK ON.   That is absolute insanity.

About few years ago, I was sad because I was going through a divorce.  My sisterr asked me why I was crying.  “I don’t want to lose her.”  I said.  She responded with something that I will never forget, she asked me this, “So you are saying you are in this for you?  You don’t want to lose her?  Do you think you own her?”  I didn’t quite get it until she added this.  “If you really love her, you want her happy no matter who she was with.  If you are sad it is because you are saying you want to be the one who makes her happy.  That is selfish.”

Man, NO SHIT!  That thought immediately freed me.  I stopped crying about it and realized something huge.  After that second, I was almost completely over her.  Anytime I was sad about her and I breaking up, I could see that I was under the illusion that I was owed more of her.  Absolutely crazy and selfish.  (Sadly for me now, when I see somebody crying over a breakup, I see them as selfish.)

If you are crying about a break up, you are saying you are owed more time with that person, versus being thankful for the time you had.

You are actually spoiled.  You have had this experience with someone and you are upset it is not more.  Your problem is not the loss of the person.  Your problem is your perception.

If you set up a belief system that the other person completes you, I believe the chances of break up or cheating are way higher.  Your clinging onto each other will train you that you always need someone.  When that person is not around………………….

If you are in a relationship where you know that you are each complete as is, things are very different,

1.  You aren’t dependent on what that person does.

2.  You can do what you want, when you want and that person will love you anyway.

3.  You won’t move from fear.  I think many people are doing things with the other person all of the time, just because they are scared that person will cheat on them, or leave them.

When we believe that we are only complete as a couple, we can only do things as a couple.  What does that imply?  Somebody is always making a sacrifice.  There is no way that both people want to do the exact same thing at the same time.  This causes us to do many things we would never do alone.  I am guilty of this.  I can’t tell you how many movies that I have seen many many times because I want to show her.  That is fine and cute, but I promise you, if I was by myself I would be getting new things done, not watching Parenthood for the 75th time.  Deep down, one person doesn’t want that restaurant, movie, or is missing out on doing something that their heart wants.  It has become “What are WE going to do tonight?”  Implying we have to agree.

My ex wife and I realized we are both doing things that we would not want to do alone.  As a set we both rent movies.  If we were each alone, we realized that we would not be doing that, we would be out hiking, or doing something new.  However together, a story shows up in our heads and we become this sluggish team of doing what we think a couple has to do.

If you start to understand what I am saying, you will lose something.  You will lose co dependancy.  You will also suddenly not be attracted to people who are co dependent.  You will start to become whole, and you will only be able to align with someone who is whole.  What a concept.  Now you are whole, with a whole person.  Now you can do what you want, they can do what they want and when you guys are together, that time is more special because you are really being you and they are too.

I am going to offer you something that might screw with your belief, but if you face it, you might feel really good.

You are whole, powerful, strong, amazing as is.  You don’t need anything or anyone to make you feel good.  If you want to argue this, that is your choice.  If you want to fix your situation go get a person immediately, and be clung together.  If you want to change your life, change your perception of yourself.