GETTING TO THE CORE: FEAR

If only I could get rid of the difficulties I am facing, if only I could just "get it right" then I could get on with having a great relationship.

Someone says something that hurt me and touched off a fight.At first I get caught up in feeling hurt and my body aches and my mind is swarming with painful thoughts.

I don't like to feel this way.so I start to react against it. The more I struggle, the more entangled I get. I start to tell myself stories...

-she attacking me
-she will never understand me
-she is aggressive
-if I plug into the story...she likes to attack me, that's just the way she is. I then to do something to get back at hero or close myself off to her.

I must put away my stories.

These kind of stories are mental fabrication, judgement or interpretations that put what's happening into familiar framework.. Usually we do not recognize these stories as our own invention, instead we believe that they represent some reality. Stories often operate in the background of the mind as part of an ongoing stream of gossip that we keep us with ourselves. The less conscious we are of how they control us, the more they keep us locked into old patterns of behavior.

The greatest obstacles in relationship are often our stories about how we think relationship should be..
-if you love someone you should always keep them happy
-you should always want to be there
-you should set aside angry.


At the core of my fear is fear of loss. I am afraid of being neglected or abandoned again. And I cling to relationship in a addictive way and demanding my partner to continually prove their love...to surrender to me...to let me be in control. I guess my parent never responded to my need for love and caring..even thought they were good parents and did the best they can. I feel ashamed and disempowered  when I have need to connect to someone. I play out the same self defeating patterns over and over again.
I keep telling myself
I am not really worthy of a wonderful relationship.
I can't have such wonderful feelings.

Therefore I'd better grab what I can right now, before this woman disappears...I can't believe this will ever last..and I would immediately give himself to the relationship...and this usually scary people away confirming I can't really have this...



This master script keep telling me...
"There is something wrong with me....I am not enough"

It's just my way of coping with sever deprivation and neglect in childhood. I am trying to understand why my parents were not more loving ..and it must be that I am bad and undeserving of love. Maybe my parents neglect is because I am not good enough. In believing that...i solidified my deprivation into an identity....I found a way to make something (an identity for myself) out of nothing (unfulfilled needs)

This provided a security of sort...the only kind that was available when I was young.I feel more fully of myself when I am empty,hungry, and deprived. Despite the pain it caused it gave me security.

Believing this story as truth and accurate..it just conditions my belief system.This story become my life script that give me identity.

This essential need to be loved is not acknowledged and we express it in distorted ways. The critic in my head...makes me feel guilty and ashamed of the need...it's somehow wrong, bad. The solution is to establish a straightforward adult relationship with my needs ...so the critic nor the wounded child remain in charge.

Surrendering involves  letting go of what we already know or have and letting be...opening to the situation that life presents.Many people distrust the nothing of surrendering because they confuse it to submission to another's will...which can in fact have disastrous consequences in a relationship. Submission means giving over power to someone else, putting that person above us