I’m a strong talented guy and getting into positions where easy, but they never allowed me to expand beyond a point. I wanted to develop with someone, not take away but add, learn, love and grow. I never fought with anyone more than myself, I wrestled the ideas, thoughts, fears and notions that I’m not worth shit and beat myself up inside and out. I have always wanted to be a good man. A man of quality and character, sometimes that character takes over. Of all the things I hold dearest, the one of being a husband and father is my highest. It’s hard to understand, but these are what drove me on the divide, the idea of accomplishing something for my family and friends. I’ve never had too many close friends. Because, just like in a relationship the closeness show the imperfections. Alone on a ride or dealing with theses strong emotions, I feel them below my skin, wrapped around bones and muscle I try to find places for them, give them the space and depth they need to make me be that man, I try to conquer them before I return to those I love.
I think that’s a big fear, our imperfections revealed, it’s also what love is, I love my girlfriends imperfections, I love my friends imperfections. I’m a flawed man, but I’m not ok with it, I want to better it, sometimes giving it the language it needs proves the absolute most difficult. I believe that is why I have always ridden, and I allowed it to take over my life. Because it is healthy, it’s steady and it’s also silent. The silence lends itself to the beauty of what we do; giving credence to the endeavor and the effort it takes to do our sport. It is different for everyone but the tones are the same.
It has also damaged me;
It’s a phenomenal feeling to overcome a fear, to continue to find a deeper love with another, to use gratitude as fuel instead of anger. I’m more accustomed to fears of a life or death matter, not internal fearful issues, I haven’t acquired the wiring to sometimes handle it, although the light transcends thought, everything is tinted with a shade of gold, but it also causes strife.
I’m a physical being, if you’re in arms reach I can touch you, I can allow my hands to show you how I love, appreciate, and need you. The untangling of emotion that lead to them sometimes gets miss directed, but realizing you’re so much more than a body. All these feelings housed inside my frame have always known effort, I want them to go home, a home we created, one I’ve never had till now. A place of love, a foundation for dreams. To give a language for this huge amount of love and gratitude that I have for my girlfriend, this life, the friends, the rides and places we go. To shed that armor over things that don’t need to be protected.
My ex girlfriends were all beautiful woman, I knew with everyone of them that my life was never going to be the same, from that day forward every thought, actions and effort was going to have a different meaning. It wasn’t her beauty that caught me, it was the emotional intelligence in her eyes that grabbed me, I knew she possessed all that I had been missing and all that I wanted, I knew the pain would be immense the profit would far outweigh the effort, on the other side has changed, no longer fueled by the fear, but maintaining a healthy chip, but by having this amazing love with her, with my friends, I’ve become more than a character, more than the total of my stories, not a myth or statue. But a man who knows loves and desperately understands it. And shouldn’t that be it? To know love, friendship, gratitude, faith? A life spent with all of these is a life lived and shared.
I get turned around in the turmoil, this new found way to speak is awkward at first, but to see the smile on her face, and the lightness in their eyes makes it all worthwhile, we should continue to evolve until we die, even then disappear with a love in our eyes.
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