The origin of this question doesn’t come from my past serious relationships and it doesn’t come from my divorce. It certainly comes from the numerous conversations or observations of women when I and other men think “do you even hear the words that are coming out of your mouth??” Unfortunately, if I had to assess whether many women are what I or what other men of good character would want (not referring to physical attraction, purely personality), the answer would be a resounding “hell NO.”
To cut to the chase as to why this may be the point, it is my observation that there are two types of women (for the purposes of this letter), the first is the woman that simply knows herself, the second woman is the woman who not only knows herself, but she is also “self aware.” We all know what knowing yourself is – it includes your likes, turn-offs, ambitions, desires, etc. However, being “self aware” means that you not only know yourself, you are also fully aware of how you are perceived by other people.
Again, my observation is that there are many women that exhibit less than desirable personality qualities (i.e. argumentative, aggresive, etc.) and unfortunately, they have no idea that they would run a good guy off in a heartbeat. I would like to ask some woman out there “which one of your girlfriends would you personally date if you were a guy.” I am sure most would say, “let me get back to you on that.” Of course that’s not true of every woman. However, the major point that I’m sharing is that sometimes women can be so fixated on “this is me and this is who I am, take it or leave it” that they don’t realize how much of a turn off their personality truly is, especially to a man that they would want to attract.
Its even amazing the number of arguments/squabbles that women have with their women friends during girls night out, girl’s vacations, etc. You hear comments like “I’ll never travel with her again”, “I hate waiting for her” or “that’s why I like it when I drive as opposed to riding with them” and many more complaints about women friends. Guess what – you and/or your girlfriends bring that same behavior (and more) in their relationships with men. Women don’t even want to deal with their girl friends (in some cases) because “you know how SHE is.” That’s exactly the point I’m making about the same and worse behavior with men.
Again, the natural defense is to say “well, what about the guys who…” – we’re not talking about them right now, this is about you being ready for “Mr. Right For You” in the event that’s what you would like to have in your life.
I know that there are some women that would say “if a guy doesn’t like me for who I am, then he’s not the guy for me.” Well, let’s take a look at who you are quite honestly:
Are you conflict oriented or conflict averse?
Are you boring or engaging?
Do you control the conversation?
Are you bossy or flexible?
Are you abrasive or soothing?
Are you clingly/insecure or secure?
Are you overly needy or independent to the extent there’s no room for anyone else or somewhere in the middle?
Do you appear to be frigid or tastefully alluring (let’s be honest, men do want to be ATTRACTED to a woman?)
I know that times have changed and that women have to assume more responsibility in the home and in the office than ever before. HOWEVER, one of the biggest things that I’ve seen in the 21st century woman that is a major turn-off is the lack of a brain buffer. Quite honestly that means that what comes up, comes out. In addition to the brain buffer issue is women who are theoretically so far on their own page with their likes, dislikes, “this is the way that I amisms”, that it literally turns people (women and men) off or runs them away. Again, I am referring to the “getting to know you” process.” These issues can be omnipresent even prior to an actual relationship ensuing.
Let me explain something briefly. Many times the guy that you are looking for who is sensitive to your needs, supports you in your progression of yourself, wants to carry his part of the load and all those other great things really doesn’t want a sarcastic, “flip”, “say whatever you feel” kind of woman. This doesn’t mean that he’s not looking for your opinion and doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. That also doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want a funny, witty woman with a ton of personality. This is where the old adage “it’s not always what you say, but how you say it” comes in. We are in a time where far too often women don’t care how they say what it is they have to say to a man. This may seem unreasonable, but it’s no different than the desire to have a man ask something of you rather than demand it. The gruff, crass and thoughtless way that some women speak (especially to men) these days doesn’t garner any level of respect, love, courtesy or desire to want to spend time with a woman who doesn’t have enough discretion to think before she speaks.
Some women may say “I don’t want to have to go through all of that, if I feel something I should just be able to say whatever.” Again, you wouldn’t want some guy coming at you half-witted and quarter-cocked with the first dumb ass thing out of his mouth. Just consider the feeling mutual. Too often the lack of decorum and the feeling of “whatever” that many women have will continue to attract the guys who do the same in return and alienate the ones who would offer them the respect in return of thinking before they said the first thing that came to mind.
Many women are under the impression that men are intimidated by free-thinking, motivated and assertive women. Though that may be the case with some men, there are many men who want a woman with wit, energy, ideas and ambition. HOWEVER, they want them to still be and act like women. The same way that it’s a turn off for a man to exhibit what would be considered “girl like” tendencies, it is equally as much of a turn off to a man for a woman to interact with him, have conflict with him and “get at” him the way that a man would. It doesn’t mean that a “good” man wants a woman to be demure or soft-spoken. Mature and developed men can receive what you’re saying much better when it’s delivered with grace, class and panache’ as opposed to when it’s being delivered with the subtlety of a baseball bat. The same way you want a man to be a man, a man talking with a woman, doesn’t wants to feel like he’s “going at it” with one of his boys unless it’s the tone of a specific conversation. It is cool to feel like you have a woman that can flow between “kickin it” and the serious man/woman vibe. Unfortunately, I’m not referring to moments of conflict; I’m just referring to typical everyday conversation where women are so raw and at times abrasive that it’s a turnoff. When I say abrasive I’m not referring to profanity. More like talking at someone instead of talking to them or just frankly saying anything that comes to mind regardless of how it may be received.
On the other end of the spectrum is the woman that feels that her opinion doesn’t matter or she constantly relegates herself to whatever the man’s position would be. Included in that is the woman who is not engaging in many regards and doesn’t present any level of allure or captivating quality to attract a man. The man you want typically only fully respects women that they fully respect themselves. Good guys typically are drawn to women who feel good about themselves. It is not my assertion in any way that a woman should “kow tow” to a man in any way. I feel that the most progressive relationships will always be the ones where the two act as equals (still respective of the man/woman dynamic) and the woman is not relegated to the lesser person in the relationship. Unfortunately, many woman position themselves in that place are at times taken advantage of because of it. Much of that was/is her doing.
Again, it is my personal opinion that the right woman can get a man to do just about anything that she would want if she was more desirable (mentally and yes, physically too – this is a desire based connection for both sexes) than demanding in many cases. There is an old statement that still is as true today as it has ever been – “you can attract a lot more bees with honey than you can with vinegar” and unfortunately many women have lost sight of that. On far too many occasions the otherwise desirable woman is driving men away by not being “self aware” and simply being herself.
So how is it that this position assumed by women of not being “self aware” can attract busters and stave off the desirable guy? Let’s look at the buster. The synonym for buster is predator. Busters look at women with emotional issues, super-ego/attitudes, walls, emotionally unavailable and/or low self-esteem as prey or a challenge. That means that by their very nature they know that your soft exterior or rough exterior, whatever you may have can be broken down by a series of saying and/or doing the things to get past the barriers that have been put up. The same way that the jackal stalks the lioness, many women are throwing so much of their “this is how I am” nature or their “I have low esteem” nature out there that its literally pheromones attracting the jackal who is willing to “play the game” until you break down and give him whatever it is he wants. The buster/predator sees you as a project, a thing to do, a conquest and is willing to engage in the game of “this is me” because he wants to destroy you or at least take the parts that he wants and leave the rest behind.
How does being “self aware” help minimize the attacks from the buster/predator? The same way that the woman that is not self aware can turn her friends off and not care, can rub the right guy the wrong way and say “he wasn’t the one for me” is the same woman that is so far on her own page that she doesn’t see the true intentions of the buster. It is her bullshit ways that have become the bait that the buster uses because they know that given the right “approach” they can and will break her down.
On the total other hand – the mature, progressive, “willing to grow with you” type guy is the one that typically sees the walls, the issues, the unnecessary difficulty, the low-esteem, the inflexibility or brash disposition and would rather not be bothered with all of that. All of what you may ask? All of the posturing, extreme ego, insensitivity, lack of esteem, potential conflict that he will notice very early in interacting with a woman if he himself is “self aware.” Self aware women and self aware men are not predators. They don’t have time to decipher the code of what makes you tick or burst through the proverbial walls that have been erected.
It is the law of attraction – those things that are alike in life are drawn to one another. The predator and the prey are drawn to one another. It is very much like Job 3:25 from the bible “What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.” Many women, I have to tell you – you are running the desirable guys away with your attitudes, lack of humility, lack of grace, lack of self-anything, lack of femininity (beyond sex appeal) and you are attracting the busters for the same exact reasons. Then those same women are enabling and supporting the behavior of the predators that they are in relationships with and are looking to place the blame on the man. Every person’s first order of priority is to love yourself, you can not look for anyone to love you more than you are willing to love yourself.
Men and women have a lot of complexities in relationships and again, this letter can not and does not address all of them. However, if you are finding that you don’t know where “the good men are” or if you seem to attract predators in your life, it’s possible that you may have the entire male species figured out, so you would like to believe. My question then would be, how much time have you taken to assess your own quirks, idiosyncrasies and ways about you that may drive your friends or a good man to not want to further a relationship with you? How happy are you with your “this is me” attitude or disposition if “good” men and women may not want to be around you while you’re being you. When you look at the woman in the mirror, is that your best self or the person that you’ve resigned yourself to be?
Life should be evolving, it should exhibit growth and I’ve seen and observed far too many women who have tuned out the world so much that the only tune that they hear is their own. The sad part about that is that they’re the only ones willing to play that song because there’s no room for anybody else to join in.
I was raised by wonderful women and she is very strong willed and opinionated. The thing that I love about her the most is that she speak loud and clear, but they also listen in return. She taught me to listen, not only to myself, but to others. That ability to listen is what can allow me to be in a conversation with a woman and be able to detect that the primary tune that she hears is her own, there’s really no place for me in that band.
I would venture to say that given the number of men that I’ve talked to about the state of their relationships that I’m “on to something” with this synopsis. These good guys find themselves on bad dates and undesirable situations with women just the same way women do. Here’s the scary part – the buster/predator guys that are bad dates, really don’t care if they are good to women or not. The buster/predator doesn’t care how you perceive him, if it’s a failed attempt, he’s on to the next victim. The women who are bad dates, you can’t tell them a damn thing!! To say that they are not self-aware is an understatement. The even scarier part is that the dynamics of some (not all, but some) female friendships is that women can’t even keep it real with their girls and let them know how “out of pocket” that their girl is. Or if they do tell her, she’s not listening. Additionally, the women who know that they haven’t taken a good look in the mirror intentionally relay stories (by only telling part of the truth) to their girls to get advice from them that fosters their continuance of their less than desirable behavior.
In the end, it’s not up to a guy, your girls or anybody to police your behavior ladies. In the end it’s you.
Let me take this one step further for the women who do move past the “getting to know you” stage and actually develop a relationship with a “good guy.” The woman who is “self aware” recognizes that once she has started dating a good guy that the journey is not over, it has just begun while the woman that only knows what she likes and dislikes feels like “mission accomplished.” Far too many women equate fidelity with being a “good woman.” That is to say that as long as she’s faithful to her guy she can act in any manner that she wants (including driving a guy crazy for no reason) and as long as she’s faithful she’s a “good woman.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. If you are not aware of how your moods, outbursts, despondence, “shitty tone”, demands, sometimes insatiable or needy behavior is affecting your man you are not being a “good woman” in his eyes regardless of how faithful you are. This is where it becomes most critical that you are “self aware” because your behavior will push a good guy out the door if you can’t police yourself.
To the women who none of this applies to, congratulations to you. That still doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues to be fleshed out while in the relationship, but at least you’re one step closer to shakin’ the busters and attracting a winner. To the women that want to know where are all of the good men and why does this keep happening to me, when was the last time you took a look at the woman in the mirror. When was the last time you heard and received the positive and progressive advice of the men and women in your life, when was the last time you asked somebody “what. if anything, do you think that I could work on to be the best person I could be for myself and in a relationship?” I would venture to say that women spend an inordinate amount of time griping about how there are no (or only a few) good men out here, but not nearly as much time is spent on being the best that they can be or pointing out issues to their girls. Again, sometimes they do that and their girl “knows so much” that she’s not listening to the good advice being offered.
I’d like to share that denial is a lose/lose scenario for everybody. Its great to love yourself and feel good about who you are and I would never want to insinuate that anyone become less of a person to allow room for somebody else. As men are to be providers and protectors, women are nurturers and sources of comfort. I’m not saying to give your “gifts” of comfort and nurture to everyone. However, allow for others to qualify you as you should qualify them without the “all self-knowing” part of your personality disqualifying you before you even get a chance.
Understand that the notion that the “right guy for you” will love you just as you are, despite your idiosyncrasies, quirks, flaws and attitudes that are a manifestation of “this is how I am” (as opposed to general likes and dislikes) is highly unlikely. What’s a general like or dislike? Basic things like “I don’t like football”, “I would prefer to go to the early church service” as opposed to “this is how I talk, so deal with it”, “this is how I get sometimes” or “I’ve never had to do XYZ for myself, so I won’t worry how to do it now.” Its not that only “strong” women exhibit these attitudes, a passive woman who doesn’t form her own opinion or appears helpless or “whoa is me” at all times can be just as much of a turnoff for the mature man looking for a progressive relationship.
The fairytale, the “Notebook” (refering to the movie) love affair, the myth that any person male or female will totally accept and more importantly, be fulfilled with another person without regard to that person operating in their best self is again, high unlikely. It doesn’t mean that a meaningful relationship can not be had, it more so means that the odds of that relationship being with the “ideal” man that was desired/envisioned is very improbable.
Thesis Statement Ladies: Many women say that they are not settling until they find what they want ideally in a man. However, many of those same women settle on being their lesser selves as a person and potential mate as opposed to finding their best self that would attract the man they feel would be their ideal compliment.
When I speak of settling within yourself I’m not referring to worldly ambition or being “goal oriented.” I am referring to character and the caliber of “feminine esthetic” that makes a man want to be around and partner with a woman. There are many ambitious and accomplished women who develop false-pride (as many men do) and lose a fair amount of humility as they accomplish more and also as they feel better about themselves. Accomplishment and esteem are in direct relationship to humility. The more you “are”, the more you “do”, the more you “have to offer”, the more humble ANY PERSON (man or woman) should become. Far too often women gain a stronger sense of self, attain more “stuff” and lose their humility which in turn may be a turn-off to a good guy. Women deserve to be proud and feel good about what they have done or who they are as women. There is however a huge difference in being proud and remaining humble. The right guy will respect you more and possibly desire you more if your confidence and accomplishments surpass the average man without having the “false pride”, “BIG EGO” (pun intended) and “chip on her shoulder” to go with it.
A quick note to the women who have been hurt by guys in the past, let that burden and frustration go. It is not the next guy’s job to pick up the slack and remove the hurt of your past relationships. Yes, I agree – this is true of men, as well as women – I got you!! Again, we’re talking about women here.
So, let me put a wrap on the letter by saying that of course there is no such thing as perfection. There is an air of compromise, acceptance, patience and tolerance that a relationship will have to endure on both sides. However, there is a growing contingency of women who are not “self aware” and have attitudes, insufferable dispositions/opinions who refuse to make adjustments in any relationships male/female and even with female friends and these individuals can not figure out why they’re unlucky in love. The mirror is only a step away.
I also want to say that if your first response upon reading this is “well about what the guys when they” or “if men didn’t do” or “if men would do”, then basically you’re listening to your own song and missed the entire purpose of the letter. It wouldn’t be surprising if you never heard what anyone said outside of your own voice in your head. The subject of this letter is women’s issues in a particular area, not men’s issues.
Go to the mirror, put your song on mute, take a long look with both eyes open and ask yourself – “am I the only person that likes what I see”, your soul and your environment will provide the answer – only if you are willing to listen.
Are you bossy or flexible?
Are you abrasive or soothing?
Are you clingly/insecure or secure?
Are you overly needy or independent to the extent there’s no room for anyone else or somewhere in the middle?
Do you appear to be frigid or tastefully alluring (let’s be honest, men do want to be ATTRACTED to a woman?)
I know that times have changed and that women have to assume more responsibility in the home and in the office than ever before. HOWEVER, one of the biggest things that I’ve seen in the 21st century woman that is a major turn-off is the lack of a brain buffer. Quite honestly that means that what comes up, comes out. In addition to the brain buffer issue is women who are theoretically so far on their own page with their likes, dislikes, “this is the way that I amisms”, that it literally turns people (women and men) off or runs them away. Again, I am referring to the “getting to know you” process.” These issues can be omnipresent even prior to an actual relationship ensuing.
Let me explain something briefly. Many times the guy that you are looking for who is sensitive to your needs, supports you in your progression of yourself, wants to carry his part of the load and all those other great things really doesn’t want a sarcastic, “flip”, “say whatever you feel” kind of woman. This doesn’t mean that he’s not looking for your opinion and doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. That also doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want a funny, witty woman with a ton of personality. This is where the old adage “it’s not always what you say, but how you say it” comes in. We are in a time where far too often women don’t care how they say what it is they have to say to a man. This may seem unreasonable, but it’s no different than the desire to have a man ask something of you rather than demand it. The gruff, crass and thoughtless way that some women speak (especially to men) these days doesn’t garner any level of respect, love, courtesy or desire to want to spend time with a woman who doesn’t have enough discretion to think before she speaks.
Some women may say “I don’t want to have to go through all of that, if I feel something I should just be able to say whatever.” Again, you wouldn’t want some guy coming at you half-witted and quarter-cocked with the first dumb ass thing out of his mouth. Just consider the feeling mutual. Too often the lack of decorum and the feeling of “whatever” that many women have will continue to attract the guys who do the same in return and alienate the ones who would offer them the respect in return of thinking before they said the first thing that came to mind.
Many women are under the impression that men are intimidated by free-thinking, motivated and assertive women. Though that may be the case with some men, there are many men who want a woman with wit, energy, ideas and ambition. HOWEVER, they want them to still be and act like women. The same way that it’s a turn off for a man to exhibit what would be considered “girl like” tendencies, it is equally as much of a turn off to a man for a woman to interact with him, have conflict with him and “get at” him the way that a man would. It doesn’t mean that a “good” man wants a woman to be demure or soft-spoken. Mature and developed men can receive what you’re saying much better when it’s delivered with grace, class and panache’ as opposed to when it’s being delivered with the subtlety of a baseball bat. The same way you want a man to be a man, a man talking with a woman, doesn’t wants to feel like he’s “going at it” with one of his boys unless it’s the tone of a specific conversation. It is cool to feel like you have a woman that can flow between “kickin it” and the serious man/woman vibe. Unfortunately, I’m not referring to moments of conflict; I’m just referring to typical everyday conversation where women are so raw and at times abrasive that it’s a turnoff. When I say abrasive I’m not referring to profanity. More like talking at someone instead of talking to them or just frankly saying anything that comes to mind regardless of how it may be received.
On the other end of the spectrum is the woman that feels that her opinion doesn’t matter or she constantly relegates herself to whatever the man’s position would be. Included in that is the woman who is not engaging in many regards and doesn’t present any level of allure or captivating quality to attract a man. The man you want typically only fully respects women that they fully respect themselves. Good guys typically are drawn to women who feel good about themselves. It is not my assertion in any way that a woman should “kow tow” to a man in any way. I feel that the most progressive relationships will always be the ones where the two act as equals (still respective of the man/woman dynamic) and the woman is not relegated to the lesser person in the relationship. Unfortunately, many woman position themselves in that place are at times taken advantage of because of it. Much of that was/is her doing.
Again, it is my personal opinion that the right woman can get a man to do just about anything that she would want if she was more desirable (mentally and yes, physically too – this is a desire based connection for both sexes) than demanding in many cases. There is an old statement that still is as true today as it has ever been – “you can attract a lot more bees with honey than you can with vinegar” and unfortunately many women have lost sight of that. On far too many occasions the otherwise desirable woman is driving men away by not being “self aware” and simply being herself.
So how is it that this position assumed by women of not being “self aware” can attract busters and stave off the desirable guy? Let’s look at the buster. The synonym for buster is predator. Busters look at women with emotional issues, super-ego/attitudes, walls, emotionally unavailable and/or low self-esteem as prey or a challenge. That means that by their very nature they know that your soft exterior or rough exterior, whatever you may have can be broken down by a series of saying and/or doing the things to get past the barriers that have been put up. The same way that the jackal stalks the lioness, many women are throwing so much of their “this is how I am” nature or their “I have low esteem” nature out there that its literally pheromones attracting the jackal who is willing to “play the game” until you break down and give him whatever it is he wants. The buster/predator sees you as a project, a thing to do, a conquest and is willing to engage in the game of “this is me” because he wants to destroy you or at least take the parts that he wants and leave the rest behind.
How does being “self aware” help minimize the attacks from the buster/predator? The same way that the woman that is not self aware can turn her friends off and not care, can rub the right guy the wrong way and say “he wasn’t the one for me” is the same woman that is so far on her own page that she doesn’t see the true intentions of the buster. It is her bullshit ways that have become the bait that the buster uses because they know that given the right “approach” they can and will break her down.
On the total other hand – the mature, progressive, “willing to grow with you” type guy is the one that typically sees the walls, the issues, the unnecessary difficulty, the low-esteem, the inflexibility or brash disposition and would rather not be bothered with all of that. All of what you may ask? All of the posturing, extreme ego, insensitivity, lack of esteem, potential conflict that he will notice very early in interacting with a woman if he himself is “self aware.” Self aware women and self aware men are not predators. They don’t have time to decipher the code of what makes you tick or burst through the proverbial walls that have been erected.
It is the law of attraction – those things that are alike in life are drawn to one another. The predator and the prey are drawn to one another. It is very much like Job 3:25 from the bible “What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.” Many women, I have to tell you – you are running the desirable guys away with your attitudes, lack of humility, lack of grace, lack of self-anything, lack of femininity (beyond sex appeal) and you are attracting the busters for the same exact reasons. Then those same women are enabling and supporting the behavior of the predators that they are in relationships with and are looking to place the blame on the man. Every person’s first order of priority is to love yourself, you can not look for anyone to love you more than you are willing to love yourself.
Men and women have a lot of complexities in relationships and again, this letter can not and does not address all of them. However, if you are finding that you don’t know where “the good men are” or if you seem to attract predators in your life, it’s possible that you may have the entire male species figured out, so you would like to believe. My question then would be, how much time have you taken to assess your own quirks, idiosyncrasies and ways about you that may drive your friends or a good man to not want to further a relationship with you? How happy are you with your “this is me” attitude or disposition if “good” men and women may not want to be around you while you’re being you. When you look at the woman in the mirror, is that your best self or the person that you’ve resigned yourself to be?
Life should be evolving, it should exhibit growth and I’ve seen and observed far too many women who have tuned out the world so much that the only tune that they hear is their own. The sad part about that is that they’re the only ones willing to play that song because there’s no room for anybody else to join in.
I was raised by wonderful women and she is very strong willed and opinionated. The thing that I love about her the most is that she speak loud and clear, but they also listen in return. She taught me to listen, not only to myself, but to others. That ability to listen is what can allow me to be in a conversation with a woman and be able to detect that the primary tune that she hears is her own, there’s really no place for me in that band.
I would venture to say that given the number of men that I’ve talked to about the state of their relationships that I’m “on to something” with this synopsis. These good guys find themselves on bad dates and undesirable situations with women just the same way women do. Here’s the scary part – the buster/predator guys that are bad dates, really don’t care if they are good to women or not. The buster/predator doesn’t care how you perceive him, if it’s a failed attempt, he’s on to the next victim. The women who are bad dates, you can’t tell them a damn thing!! To say that they are not self-aware is an understatement. The even scarier part is that the dynamics of some (not all, but some) female friendships is that women can’t even keep it real with their girls and let them know how “out of pocket” that their girl is. Or if they do tell her, she’s not listening. Additionally, the women who know that they haven’t taken a good look in the mirror intentionally relay stories (by only telling part of the truth) to their girls to get advice from them that fosters their continuance of their less than desirable behavior.
In the end, it’s not up to a guy, your girls or anybody to police your behavior ladies. In the end it’s you.
Let me take this one step further for the women who do move past the “getting to know you” stage and actually develop a relationship with a “good guy.” The woman who is “self aware” recognizes that once she has started dating a good guy that the journey is not over, it has just begun while the woman that only knows what she likes and dislikes feels like “mission accomplished.” Far too many women equate fidelity with being a “good woman.” That is to say that as long as she’s faithful to her guy she can act in any manner that she wants (including driving a guy crazy for no reason) and as long as she’s faithful she’s a “good woman.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. If you are not aware of how your moods, outbursts, despondence, “shitty tone”, demands, sometimes insatiable or needy behavior is affecting your man you are not being a “good woman” in his eyes regardless of how faithful you are. This is where it becomes most critical that you are “self aware” because your behavior will push a good guy out the door if you can’t police yourself.
To the women who none of this applies to, congratulations to you. That still doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues to be fleshed out while in the relationship, but at least you’re one step closer to shakin’ the busters and attracting a winner. To the women that want to know where are all of the good men and why does this keep happening to me, when was the last time you took a look at the woman in the mirror. When was the last time you heard and received the positive and progressive advice of the men and women in your life, when was the last time you asked somebody “what. if anything, do you think that I could work on to be the best person I could be for myself and in a relationship?” I would venture to say that women spend an inordinate amount of time griping about how there are no (or only a few) good men out here, but not nearly as much time is spent on being the best that they can be or pointing out issues to their girls. Again, sometimes they do that and their girl “knows so much” that she’s not listening to the good advice being offered.
I’d like to share that denial is a lose/lose scenario for everybody. Its great to love yourself and feel good about who you are and I would never want to insinuate that anyone become less of a person to allow room for somebody else. As men are to be providers and protectors, women are nurturers and sources of comfort. I’m not saying to give your “gifts” of comfort and nurture to everyone. However, allow for others to qualify you as you should qualify them without the “all self-knowing” part of your personality disqualifying you before you even get a chance.
Understand that the notion that the “right guy for you” will love you just as you are, despite your idiosyncrasies, quirks, flaws and attitudes that are a manifestation of “this is how I am” (as opposed to general likes and dislikes) is highly unlikely. What’s a general like or dislike? Basic things like “I don’t like football”, “I would prefer to go to the early church service” as opposed to “this is how I talk, so deal with it”, “this is how I get sometimes” or “I’ve never had to do XYZ for myself, so I won’t worry how to do it now.” Its not that only “strong” women exhibit these attitudes, a passive woman who doesn’t form her own opinion or appears helpless or “whoa is me” at all times can be just as much of a turnoff for the mature man looking for a progressive relationship.
The fairytale, the “Notebook” (refering to the movie) love affair, the myth that any person male or female will totally accept and more importantly, be fulfilled with another person without regard to that person operating in their best self is again, high unlikely. It doesn’t mean that a meaningful relationship can not be had, it more so means that the odds of that relationship being with the “ideal” man that was desired/envisioned is very improbable.
Thesis Statement Ladies: Many women say that they are not settling until they find what they want ideally in a man. However, many of those same women settle on being their lesser selves as a person and potential mate as opposed to finding their best self that would attract the man they feel would be their ideal compliment.
When I speak of settling within yourself I’m not referring to worldly ambition or being “goal oriented.” I am referring to character and the caliber of “feminine esthetic” that makes a man want to be around and partner with a woman. There are many ambitious and accomplished women who develop false-pride (as many men do) and lose a fair amount of humility as they accomplish more and also as they feel better about themselves. Accomplishment and esteem are in direct relationship to humility. The more you “are”, the more you “do”, the more you “have to offer”, the more humble ANY PERSON (man or woman) should become. Far too often women gain a stronger sense of self, attain more “stuff” and lose their humility which in turn may be a turn-off to a good guy. Women deserve to be proud and feel good about what they have done or who they are as women. There is however a huge difference in being proud and remaining humble. The right guy will respect you more and possibly desire you more if your confidence and accomplishments surpass the average man without having the “false pride”, “BIG EGO” (pun intended) and “chip on her shoulder” to go with it.
A quick note to the women who have been hurt by guys in the past, let that burden and frustration go. It is not the next guy’s job to pick up the slack and remove the hurt of your past relationships. Yes, I agree – this is true of men, as well as women – I got you!! Again, we’re talking about women here.
So, let me put a wrap on the letter by saying that of course there is no such thing as perfection. There is an air of compromise, acceptance, patience and tolerance that a relationship will have to endure on both sides. However, there is a growing contingency of women who are not “self aware” and have attitudes, insufferable dispositions/opinions who refuse to make adjustments in any relationships male/female and even with female friends and these individuals can not figure out why they’re unlucky in love. The mirror is only a step away.
I also want to say that if your first response upon reading this is “well about what the guys when they” or “if men didn’t do” or “if men would do”, then basically you’re listening to your own song and missed the entire purpose of the letter. It wouldn’t be surprising if you never heard what anyone said outside of your own voice in your head. The subject of this letter is women’s issues in a particular area, not men’s issues.
Go to the mirror, put your song on mute, take a long look with both eyes open and ask yourself – “am I the only person that likes what I see”, your soul and your environment will provide the answer – only if you are willing to listen.
I am searching for my future wife/soulmate. Please stop by again.
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